1. What?Copy !req
2. What?Copy !req
3. Okay, late the
cupcakes you bakedCopy !req
4. for Dewey's class
last night.Copy !req
5. And I took Dad's license
to make a fake I.D.Copy !req
6. And I can't return
your necklaceCopy !req
7. because I already sold it.Copy !req
8. I was just going to sayCopy !req
9. your shirt didn't go
with your pants.Copy !req
10. Oh.Copy !req
11. Phew!Copy !req
12. Would you like some more
orange juice, Stevie?Copy !req
13. Thank you... Lois.Copy !req
14. Stevie's staying at our house
for a weekCopy !req
15. while his parents are
in Hawaii.Copy !req
16. They get tropical drinks
on a beachCopy !req
17. while he gets to watch my dad
air-drying in the kitchen.Copy !req
18. Did everyone notice the wayCopy !req
19. Stevie pre-sliced
the grapefruit sections?Copy !req
20. It's so nice to have
a boy in the houseCopy !req
21. who's not
a rude little monster.Copy !req
22. Hey, was that shot at me?Copy !req
23. Yes, honey, it was.Copy !req
24. Hal, I don't have any bread
for Dewey's sandwich.Copy !req
25. You're gonna have to stop by the
market on your way to school.Copy !req
26. No problem.Copy !req
27. Or you could
just give meCopy !req
28. money for a hot lunch.Copy !req
29. Don't be silly.Copy !req
30. Those things aren't nutritious.Copy !req
31. Why are we in a liquor store?Copy !req
32. For the bread.
Everybody knowsCopy !req
33. liquor stores have
the best bread in townCopy !req
34. Ten lottery
tickets, please.Copy !req
35. I don't see any bread.Copy !req
36. What are you talking about?
There's melba toast.Copy !req
37. If you can't make a
sandwich out of that,Copy !req
38. you're just not
trying hard enough.Copy !req
39. Oh, my God.Copy !req
40. What?Copy !req
41. Dewey, I just won
a thousand dollars!Copy !req
42. A thousand dollars!Copy !req
43. Yes!Copy !req
44. What are we going to buy?Copy !req
45. We're not going to buy
anything with this, son.Copy !req
46. We're going to put this money
right into your college fund.Copy !req
47. A secret college fund that your
mother can never know about.Copy !req
48. Sometimes when it rains,
they get stuck.Copy !req
49. Here.Copy !req
50. Thanks.Copy !req
51. Uh, Malcolm, right?Copy !req
52. Yeah, and I know
you're Alison.Copy !req
53. I'm glad we finally talkedCopy !req
54. after a month of
being locker neighbors.Copy !req
55. "Locker neighbors"?Copy !req
56. Yeah, we're...Copy !req
57. This is my locker.Copy !req
58. Oh! You— locker neigh...Copy !req
59. 'cause-'cause we're
right next door.Copy !req
60. Yeah, that-that's funny.Copy !req
61. I-I get it.Copy !req
62. Well, uh, see
you, neighbor.Copy !req
63. And keep your damn
dog off my lawn!Copy !req
64. I-I don't have a dog.Copy !req
65. No, no, I was kidding,
because we're neighborsCopy !req
66. and sometimes neighbors haveCopy !req
67. a problem with
their dogs going...Copy !req
68. See, I always assume people
know when I'm kidding,Copy !req
69. but sometimes it's
just so subtleCopy !req
70. I come off sounding
like a jerk.Copy !req
71. I mean, not too
subtle for you.Copy !req
72. I don't want to
sound condescending.Copy !req
73. It's just I think about
this kind of stuff a lot.Copy !req
74. And... I should have stopped
talking 30 seconds ago, right?Copy !req
75. Uh, I have to go to gym now.Copy !req
76. What is wrong with me?Copy !req
77. How long... you got?Copy !req
78. I always ruin
everything.Copy !req
79. Even with a perfect
girl like Alison.Copy !req
80. Alison's a moron.Copy !req
81. She's not the problem.Copy !req
82. It's me.
I overthink everything.Copy !req
83. I can't even carry on
a normal conversationCopy !req
84. without screwing it up.Copy !req
85. Why won't my brain
just let me be happy?Copy !req
86. Honey, I got
to get going.Copy !req
87. You heading down
to the art gallery?Copy !req
88. It's not art!Copy !req
89. Sorry. Heading down
to the placeCopy !req
90. where you sell overpriced,
pretentious stuffCopy !req
91. to tourists with more money
than taste?Copy !req
92. You dolisten.Copy !req
93. Thank you very much.Copy !req
94. It was good doing business
with you, Mr. Dodson.Copy !req
95. Ah, Francis, come.
Meet Mr. Dodson.Copy !req
96. He is a wonderful man.Copy !req
97. We will be doing lots
of business with him for sure.Copy !req
98. Yeah, look, I got to go.Copy !req
99. Uh, I'm running late
for another sales call,Copy !req
100. so, uh, see you
gentlemen around.Copy !req
101. We will talk soon.Copy !req
102. Ah, Francis.Copy !req
103. I am such a lucky man.Copy !req
104. When I left for
this country,Copy !req
105. all of my friends are warning
me, "Otto, Otto, be careful.Copy !req
106. People will try to take
advantage of you."Copy !req
107. But this is
not the case.Copy !req
108. Like that Mr. Dodson.Copy !req
109. He knows so much more
about ranching than I do.Copy !req
110. But does he act all superior
and high and mighty?Copy !req
111. No! No! Instead,
he teaches me.Copy !req
112. Like before today,
I did not knowCopy !req
113. that cows need
ultraviolet protection.Copy !req
114. What?Copy !req
115. What is this stuff?Copy !req
116. Sunscreen.Copy !req
117. For cows.Copy !req
118. Otto, how much did you pay
for this?Copy !req
119. $200 a bucket,
plus, of courseCopy !req
120. the zinc for their noses.Copy !req
121. Do not worry.Copy !req
122. I already paid him.Copy !req
123. How much time do I get
for a thousand bucks?Copy !req
124. Oh, Mama!Copy !req
125. I have been dreaming
about this for years.Copy !req
126. What? Are you crazy?Copy !req
127. We can't do it at my house.
My family's there.Copy !req
128. Uh, but there's a parking lotCopy !req
129. near my office
where we can meet.Copy !req
130. That's your ground
speed indicatorCopy !req
131. and that's your
vibration tachometer.Copy !req
132. Check.Copy !req
133. Yes, sir!Copy !req
134. Can't wait to resurface
some roads with this baby.Copy !req
135. Wow, looks like you're all set.Copy !req
136. Yes. Let me ask you
a hypothetical.Copy !req
137. I mean, if I was to accidentally
run over something—Copy !req
138. I mean crush it into dustCopy !req
139. where they're completely
unrecognizable...Copy !req
140. You'd want to center it
in the middle of the drum.Copy !req
141. That is, if such
a tragic incident should occur.Copy !req
142. Come again?Copy !req
143. Look, a lot of our, uh,
"road builders" haveCopy !req
144. that inevitable fragile item
cross their paths.Copy !req
145. And if Iwere to encounter
such a fragile item...?Copy !req
146. You'd have no choice
but to speed upCopy !req
147. until that item no longer posed
a threat to your road building.Copy !req
148. Now sign here,
and you can get to work.Copy !req
149. Hoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
150. I can do better.Copy !req
151. Stevie, you are
such an angel.Copy !req
152. You are welcome to stay with us
any time your parents go away.Copy !req
153. Sure, Hawaii's great,Copy !req
154. but we're having fun
right here, huh?Copy !req
155. Sure are.Copy !req
156. Hey! I didn't buy this.Copy !req
157. 49 cents less.Copy !req
158. With lotion.Copy !req
159. Ooh!Copy !req
160. Don't you have midterms
to study for, too?Copy !req
161. I think I have three tomorrow.Copy !req
162. Don't you even care
that if you don't study,Copy !req
163. you're going to fail.Copy !req
164. Nah.Copy !req
165. How do you do that?Copy !req
166. What?Copy !req
167. How do you go through your lifeCopy !req
168. without worrying that bad things
are going to happen?Copy !req
169. I don't know.Copy !req
170. I guess if I feel myself
starting to worry,Copy !req
171. I just sing the Minty-Mint song
in my head.Copy !req
172. So, when I just asked you
that question about failing,Copy !req
173. you were thinking about
that song?Copy !req
174. Yep.
Boys, for
the last time,Copy !req
175. get in here, and help me
with these groceries now!Copy !req
176. Reese, you're a genius.Copy !req
177. What?
That girl, Alison,
just asked meCopy !req
178. why everyone in the world
has accents except for us.Copy !req
179. And instead of going into
this long explanation,Copy !req
180. I thought of the
Minty-Mint song.Copy !req
181. And all that came
out of my mouth was,Copy !req
182. "Because they're weird,"
and she liked it.Copy !req
183. Cool.
I could actually feel
my brain click off.Copy !req
184. She said I was cute, and
then she touched my shoulder.Copy !req
185. Let's keep this
in the family, understand?Copy !req
186. Hey, here she comes.Copy !req
187. Oh, man.
I just did it once.Copy !req
188. What if it was
all just a fluke?Copy !req
189. You'll be fine.I'm too new at this.Copy !req
190. Just relax. But...Copy !req
191. Just say what I say.Copy !req
192. Hey, Malcolm.Copy !req
193. I-I forgot to
ask you something.Copy !req
194. Hmm...Copy !req
195. Are you okay?Copy !req
196. Do you need to get
to class or something?Copy !req
197. No, I'm just killing time
till lunch.Copy !req
198. Oh, I know what you mean.Copy !req
199. These mornings
can just drag on.Copy !req
200. School's for suckers.Copy !req
201. It's just some scam
thought up by parentsCopy !req
202. so they can stay home all day
and party hearty.Copy !req
203. Oh, my God. I've
thought the same thing.Copy !req
204. I, uh...Copy !req
205. I think it'd be cool
if they took the one-dollar billCopy !req
206. and changed it
to the million-dollar bill.Copy !req
207. That way, nobody would be poor,
and we'd all be millionaires.Copy !req
208. That is such a cool idea.Copy !req
209. I want to help
poor people, too.Copy !req
210. What I wanted
to ask you is, um,Copy !req
211. do you want to go to the
dance with me on Friday?Copy !req
212. Yeah! I was waiting to ask you,Copy !req
213. but I wanted to find
the right time, and the...Copy !req
214. Uh, awesome.Copy !req
215. Awesome.Copy !req
216. I... I got to get to class.Copy !req
217. Me, too.Copy !req
218. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
219. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
220. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
221. Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!Copy !req
222. "College fund"?Copy !req
223. Dewey! Hi.Copy !req
224. What brings you out
on such a lovely day?Copy !req
225. I was following my dad
on his secret steamroller.Copy !req
226. Oh, it's not just
a steamroller, son.Copy !req
227. This is a culmination
of everythingCopy !req
228. I've worked for
in my entire life.Copy !req
229. Andl've also
managed to put awayCopy !req
230. some money for your college.Copy !req
231. Which, if interest rates
hold... Oh, all right!Copy !req
232. If you don't tell your mother,
I'll let you squash something.Copy !req
233. Can I squash Reese's bike?Copy !req
234. Sure.Copy !req
235. It's in the trunk.Copy !req
236. You want to know what's great?Copy !req
237. Not thinking so much.Copy !req
238. It's cool.Copy !req
239. Usually I'd be all stressed out
like Stevie.Copy !req
240. But I figure life should be—
what's the word?Copy !req
241. Funner.Copy !req
242. What'd you get
for problem... 17?Copy !req
243. I drew a tank.Copy !req
244. What's wrong... with you?Copy !req
245. Huh?Copy !req
246. For two days,Copy !req
247. you've been acting
like an idiot.Copy !req
248. No. For two days,Copy !req
249. I've acted like someone
who's happy and relaxed.Copy !req
250. You're turning into Reese.Copy !req
251. So? I'm not stressing
out about schoolCopy !req
252. and girls and stuff.Copy !req
253. That doesn't make me
an idiot.Copy !req
254. That makes me
the opposite of an idiot.Copy !req
255. The brain is a muscle.Copy !req
256. Use it or lose it.Copy !req
257. But maybe if you
use it too much,Copy !req
258. it'll cramp up on you.Copy !req
259. Didn't think about
that, did you?Copy !req
260. Malcolm?Copy !req
261. I fell.Copy !req
262. Who do you think
invented the spoon?Copy !req
263. Paleo...Copy !req
264. Spoony Spoonicus.Copy !req
265. Spoony Spoonicus.Copy !req
266. That is so awesome.Copy !req
267. You're supposed
to take me ice-skating today.Copy !req
268. Where were you?Copy !req
269. I'm sorry, Dewey.
I got stuck at the office.Copy !req
270. So, Hal, I called
the office todayCopy !req
271. and they said you took
the whole day off.Copy !req
272. That's right.Copy !req
273. I spent the whole day
ice-skating with Dewey.Copy !req
274. Oh, you should see the boy,
Lois.Copy !req
275. Twirling and jumping
on that ice.Copy !req
276. He did a double axelCopy !req
277. that was, quite frankly,
exquisite.Copy !req
278. Hal, we've got
to go overCopy !req
279. next month's budget tonight.Copy !req
280. Oh, I can't tonight, honey.Copy !req
281. I have to go into the office
to make up for the timeCopy !req
282. I missed with Dewey.Copy !req
283. Yeah, the office.Copy !req
284. Can't get enough
of the good ol' office.Copy !req
285. Hello?Copy !req
286. Malcolm, good, you're home.
Listen.Copy !req
287. Is there some scientific way
to find outCopy !req
288. if something is pudding
without actually tasting it?Copy !req
289. Is it chocolate?Copy !req
290. No. Why, would that make
a difference?Copy !req
291. I like chocolate.Copy !req
292. It's browner than
the not-chocolate stuff.Copy !req
293. You didn't by any chance
find that coffee canCopy !req
294. in the garage, did you?Copy !req
295. You're going
to the steamroller,Copy !req
296. aren't you?Copy !req
297. So what if I am? I rented it.Copy !req
298. Why shouldn't I get to use it?
It's a free country.Copy !req
299. Dad, you've been crushing things
for five days straight.Copy !req
300. Have you even slept?Copy !req
301. That's the thing, Dewey.Copy !req
302. Ever since I got
the steamroller,Copy !req
303. I don't have to sleep.Copy !req
304. It's like the laws of
nature don't apply to me.Copy !req
305. What's this?Copy !req
306. Nothing.
It's a brochure
for a wrecking ball.Copy !req
307. It's not even mine, okay?Copy !req
308. I'm just holding it
for a friend.Copy !req
309. Dad, I think you have
a problem.Copy !req
310. Why can't everyone
just leave me alone?Copy !req
311. Check out
this awesome story.Copy !req
312. So I thought
I was goingCopy !req
313. to borrow Reese's
tuxedo T-shirtCopy !req
314. for the dance tonight, but
then I saw one at the mallCopy !req
315. that said, "FBI—
Federal Booby Inspector."Copy !req
316. Federal Booby Inspector!Copy !req
317. Awesome.Copy !req
318. You... the man.Copy !req
319. Malcolm, I know I promised
you the tuxedo shirt,Copy !req
320. but I saw this at the mall,
and I think it's way better.Copy !req
321. Oh, my God!Copy !req
322. I was going to buy this
after school!Copy !req
323. No way!
Righteous!Copy !req
324. Whoa. Stevie, you got to let
Reese head-butt you.Copy !req
325. It's like getting hit
in the headCopy !req
326. with something really hard.Copy !req
327. Not... in this... lifetime.Copy !req
328. Your call.Copy !req
329. Maybe we'll do one later
at the dance.Copy !req
330. Go... with you?Copy !req
331. Ha...Copy !req
332. ha...Copy !req
333. ha.Copy !req
334. Come on, Stevie.Copy !req
335. You got to come with us.Copy !req
336. We're like the Three Musketeers.Copy !req
337. You can't have
the Three Musketeers without...Copy !req
338. what's his name.Copy !req
339. Nougat.
Yeah, that dude.Copy !req
340. I'll be quilting.Copy !req
341. Fabrizzi's a master.Copy !req
342. The desert
is practically alive.Copy !req
343. It looks like the dolphin
and the tiger are dancing.Copy !req
344. Could I get this pictureCopy !req
345. but with my husband's face
where the dolphin is?Copy !req
346. Well, like all
great artists,Copy !req
347. he'll do absolutely
anything for money.Copy !req
348. Oh, my God!Copy !req
349. Francis, what happened?Copy !req
350. You are going
to be so proud of me.Copy !req
351. I was putting gas
in the van,Copy !req
352. and this guy walked
out of the men's room.Copy !req
353. The sunscreen guy!Copy !req
354. And when I saw,Copy !req
355. it was like I became
this wild animal.Copy !req
356. Like nature took over.Copy !req
357. I ran up to him
and I blindsided himCopy !req
358. with the windshield-wiper
squeegee,Copy !req
359. and his Big Gulp went flyingCopy !req
360. and he was crying
for his mother!Copy !req
361. Do you want
to see his front tooth?Copy !req
362. You know what?
I'm going to think about itCopy !req
363. and maybe come back
another time.Copy !req
364. Why are you whistling?Copy !req
365. Honey, listen.Copy !req
366. I really want to
hear about this,Copy !req
367. but I kind of told my boss
I'm not trailer trash,Copy !req
368. and you're blowing
my cover.Copy !req
369. These little cuts
and bruises?Copy !req
370. These here are the symbols
of my success.Copy !req
371. I mean, the guy took
some convincing,Copy !req
372. but in the end,Copy !req
373. the money was
cheerfully refunded.Copy !req
374. Is there supposed to be
this much blood in my pocket?Copy !req
375. Okay, you're going
to the emergency room.Copy !req
376. Want some punch?Copy !req
377. If I say yes,
you're just going to hit me.Copy !req
378. I'm going
to hit you anyway,Copy !req
379. but it's funnier
if you say yes first.Copy !req
380. So what do you
like better,Copy !req
381. slow dancing
or fast dancing?Copy !req
382. Slow dancing.Copy !req
383. Me, too.Copy !req
384. Unless the fast dance
song, like, really rocks.Copy !req
385. Yeah.Copy !req
386. I can't believe
the awesomenessCopy !req
387. of how awesome this is.Copy !req
388. At Cheswick Grounds,
Britain's largest public lawn,Copy !req
389. each blade of grass
is said to growCopy !req
390. a full centimeter a day.Copy !req
391. Let's watch.Copy !req
392. Stevie, what are you doing here?Copy !req
393. I thought you're going
to the dance with the boys.Copy !req
394. I didn't want...
to go.Copy !req
395. Stevie, you listen to me.Copy !req
396. Just because you're in
a wheelchairCopy !req
397. doesn't mean you can't
enjoy a dance like anyone else.Copy !req
398. I think you are a fine young man
with beautiful qualitiesCopy !req
399. that any girl would enjoyCopy !req
400. if you just put yourself
out there.Copy !req
401. But...
There are plenty
of things you can do.Copy !req
402. You can snap your fingers
to the beat.Copy !req
403. You can spin around
in a circle.Copy !req
404. That would be adorable.Copy !req
405. Please... Stevie, any girl would be luckyCopy !req
406. to be your girlfriend.Copy !req
407. You're polite,
you're considerate,Copy !req
408. and you are very clean.Copy !req
409. Girls go crazy for that.Copy !req
410. Lois... Stevie, you know what?Copy !req
411. We're going to that dance.Copy !req
412. Francis,Copy !req
413. what happened to you?Copy !req
414. Otto, I have to tell you
something.Copy !req
415. There is no such thing
as sunscreen for cows.Copy !req
416. What are you
talking about?Copy !req
417. The guy, he was
ripping you off.Copy !req
418. But don't worry,
I took care of it.Copy !req
419. I got you your money back.Copy !req
420. Ugh! I am such an idiot.Copy !req
421. It is my fault
you had to fight.Copy !req
422. I'm sorry. And thank you.Copy !req
423. It's okay.Copy !req
424. You know what?Copy !req
425. There is a man
in my office right now,Copy !req
426. and I am suspicious
of him, too.Copy !req
427. Come, you will meet him.Copy !req
428. Okay, show my friend here
what you are selling me.Copy !req
429. This here's a magic stick.
It finds water.Copy !req
430. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
431. I've seen these.Copy !req
432. It's got the good
Swenson bevel on there.Copy !req
433. Yeah, these are great.Copy !req
434. I don't know.Copy !req
435. I guess I'd say
I like curly fries better.Copy !req
436. Ha, I knew it.Copy !req
437. You totally owe me
a buck, Malcolm.Copy !req
438. What about Cajun curly fries?Copy !req
439. Oh, my God!Copy !req
440. I completely forgot
about those.Copy !req
441. Thoseare my favorite.Copy !req
442. Mine, too.Copy !req
443. Why can't they make
more foods curly?Copy !req
444. You guys are, like,
the coolest brothers.Copy !req
445. I mean, you're both
so easy to talk to.Copy !req
446. It's not like
a strain or anything.Copy !req
447. Yeah, Reese and I get along
awesome.Copy !req
448. It's 'cause
you're so alike.Copy !req
449. You should totally check
to make sureCopy !req
450. you're not, like, twins
or something.Copy !req
451. I'll ask my mom
when I get home.Copy !req
452. I just got
a really good idea.Copy !req
453. I know this senior
who's got some beer stashed.Copy !req
454. No way.Copy !req
455. We can grab a six pack
and a blanketCopy !req
456. and go down
to the football field.Copy !req
457. Awesome.Copy !req
458. I can't believe
I'm about to do this.Copy !req
459. Underage drinking,
making out with a girlCopy !req
460. where we're almost
certain to get caught.Copy !req
461. High school rules!Copy !req
462. I am Hal!Copy !req
463. Oh... maybe just one row.Copy !req
464. Get away from here, son!Copy !req
465. I don't want you to see me
like this!Copy !req
466. Dad, you have to stop!Copy !req
467. I can't!Copy !req
468. I'm proud of you, Dad.Copy !req
469. So what yard line
do you want to sit on?Copy !req
470. 'Cause I was
thinking the 50.Copy !req
471. But it's kind
of a long walk.Copy !req
472. There's nothing to be nervous
about, Stevie.Copy !req
473. I'll dance the first
couple of dances with you.Copy !req
474. Hey, stop blaming yourself!Copy !req
475. That guy's a complete jerk.Copy !req
476. We're going to throw
away his beer, get
someone to take you home,Copy !req
477. and you should
totally dump that guy.Copy !req
478. That's what I would have doneCopy !req
479. if I hadn't shut off my brain
all week.Copy !req
480. Here's what I really did.Copy !req
481. My mom said
you asked for this.Copy !req
482. How's my gal?Copy !req
483. I don't know.
She won't stop screaming.Copy !req
484. She hasn't even seen
my report card yet.Copy !req
485. The way I figure it,Copy !req
486. I have to average
an 8.0 just to break even.Copy !req
487. Which might be doable since I
don't have distractions anymore.Copy !req
488. Alison dumped me as soon as
I used the word "paradox"Copy !req
489. in a sentence.Copy !req
490. Welcome back.Copy !req
491. Sorry about Alison.Copy !req
492. It's no big deal.Copy !req
493. I'm still going to be
seeing her around a lot.Copy !req
494. You know what I don't
get about football?Copy !req
495. How come the away team has
so many different uniforms?Copy !req
496. I don't know.
Rich kids.Copy !req
497. Probably it.Copy !req
498. You want to make out? Do you? Sure.Copy !req