1. Oh, not again.
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2. This baby... is gonna kill us.
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3. Oh, Jamie, for the love of...!
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4. It's all over the walls.
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5. Boys, it's a level three!
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6. Backyard, now!
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7. Oh, my God!
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8. How does this kid
keep getting out
of its diaper?
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9. Damned if I know.
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10. I put that one on
with duct tape.
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11. Reese, get a mask and bucket
and clean up that wall.
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12. Malcolm, find the old diaper
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13. and bury it
at least three feet deep.
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14. Dewey, stand by
with the garden hose.
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15. Oh, we don't
have any diapers!
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16. How did we go through
a bonus pack in one day?
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17. Ugh! Jamie just went
all over the towel!
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18. Dewey, here... give me
your pajama top.
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19. Not again!
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20. This is my last pair!
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21. Let's get you to the shower.
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22. God... oh...
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23. Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait.
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24. Ugh, it's in my hair!
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25. Yes, I was checking our status
at the day care center.
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26. What? How do you move down
on the waiting list?
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27. Those are juvenile
offenses
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28. and shouldn't be part
of the public record!
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29. Hal, what are we going to do?
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30. My maternity leave is over,
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31. I go back to work tomorrow,
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32. and we still haven't found
day care for Jamie.
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33. Well, honey, maybe
you'll have to just...
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34. stay out
a little longer.
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35. I know money
is tight, but...
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36. we can always
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37. stretch our pennies
a little more.
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38. This is insane.
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39. There is no juice left in there.
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40. You are watering down water.
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41. All right,
we're desperate!
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42. But there has to be
some decent day care program
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43. we can afford.
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44. Now, where the hell
haven't we looked?
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45. We're joining a church?
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46. We don't know anything
about these people.
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47. They have the best staffed
co-op nursery in town,
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48. and they'll take care
of Jamie for free.
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49. So, as far as these people know,
we've been practicing members
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50. of the Brethren of Calvary
for years, you understand?
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51. Why doesn't Malcolm
have to be here?
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52. Would you rather be
doing his job right now?
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53. Ow, ow, ow! Let go, let go!
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54. What if they
ask me to pray?
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55. I don't know
how to pray.
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56. Look, they only
want to meet us.
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57. So for the next half hour,
as far as you're concerned,
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58. God is the greatest
thing in the universe,
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59. and that's that.
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60. Hello, everyone. I'm Pastor Roy.
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61. I understand you
want to transfer
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62. your membership
from the Brethren in Danville?
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63. Yes. We were longtime
members in Danville.
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64. I didn't know we had a church
in Danville.
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65. It's gone now,
bought out by a strip club.
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66. Really?
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67. Well, it's not
all nude.
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68. It's just topless
with tassels, but still...
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69. We just so want to continue
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70. to be part
of the Brethren community.
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71. "Community." I love that word.
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72. And our branch is very active.
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73. I'm sure the boys will enjoy
Bible study.
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74. Oh, I'm sure they will.
And of course,
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75. we also have hayrides, retreats,
prayer breakfasts...
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76. Day care?
Day care...
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77. Really? Lois,
did you hear that?
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78. They have day care.
I did not know that.
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79. That kind of service
is why we have always
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80. been so committed
to this church.
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81. That's wonderful.
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82. Have you gone through
the Precepts of the Covenant?
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83. Yes. Of course.
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84. Love the Precepts.
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85. Number three has gotten me
through some hard times.
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86. But it always comes back
to God, huh?
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87. Yeah, God's pretty neat.
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88. Yeah, he's totally
my favorite of all them.
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89. I promise I will hire you back
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90. just as soon
as business picks up.
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91. I've never seen it
this slow, Otto.
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92. That makes six employees
laid off in one week.
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93. It is that festival
down at Roswell.
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94. All of the tourists
are going—
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95. to see where
the UFOs landed.
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96. Our people are losing their jobs
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97. 'cause a bunch of idiot tourists
think little green men
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98. crashed a spaceship down there?
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99. That's ridiculous.
Ja.
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100. They will see
nothing down there.
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101. The government put
every scrap of evidence
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102. in a secret vault
50 years ago.
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103. Is this the news desk?
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104. Listen, I'm out
at the Grotto Ranch,
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105. and... oh, my God,
there it is again!
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106. There's something weird
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107. happening in the sky!
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108. I see a light
and some kind of craft.
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109. You'd better get out here
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110. right away!
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111. I suppose it could be out here
for another 20 minutes,
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112. but you'd better hurry!
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113. Hi, Donna, we're here.
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114. Oh, hi, Lois.
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115. This must be
your little angel.
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116. There, there.
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117. I don't know what got
into Jamie this morning.
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118. This is so out
of the ordinary!
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119. There, there, pumpkin.
When'd you get so fussy?
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120. Well, sometimes
even the youngest babies
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121. can sense your anxiety
on the first day.
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122. Yeah, that must be it.
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123. Uh, I expressed
some breast milk.
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124. Oh, my.
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125. I come from a long
line of milkers.
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126. Once these get started,
there's no stopping them.
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127. Whoa, this is
so unusual!
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128. At home we forget
we even have a baby.
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129. Bye-bye, sweetheart.
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130. We're going to get along great
here, aren't we, precious?
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131. Now, I know a lot of the mothers
like to hang around for a while
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132. on the first day,
but we think it's...
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133. I'm still waiting for a price...
Here's your change.
Thank you.
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134. That's not the right ointment!
What's wrong with you?
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135. You said you wanted
the do-it-yourself
applicator,
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136. you crazy old man!
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137. You think you're getting
out of helping me with this?
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138. You're my wife!
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139. Ooh. Ooh!
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140. Has it always been
this quiet here?
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141. And the best part is,
when you play with God,
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142. it's always your turn.
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143. What does the "T" on
the wall stand for?
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144. Uh, we'll talk
about that later.
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145. Hal, I have to meet
a parishioner in my office.
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146. Would you mind
continuing the lesson?
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147. What, me?
Don't worry.
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148. It's just the story
of Daniel and the lions.
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149. I'm sure you know it
in your sleep.
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150. Uh...
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151. Okay, then, class.
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152. Uh...
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153. this is a story about a man
named Daniel,
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154. and, apparently, some lions,
so...
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155. Um...
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156. "Uh, it-it pleased Darius
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157. "to set over the kingdom
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158. "120 princes,
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159. "which should be
over the whole kingdom,
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160. "and over these three officials,
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161. uh, uh, of whom Daniel
was first..."
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162. When do the
lions show up?
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163. Soon, Dewey.
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164. Please, you just have to be
a little patient.
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165. Ooh! Ooh!
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166. "Uh, uh, and Darius
said to Daniel,
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167. "'Yea, verily, I smote you,
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168. "and I send thee
to be thrown into the den.'
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169. "Where soon,
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170. Daniel was eaten by the lions."
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171. I thought God
saved him.
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172. Oh.
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173. Well, sure.
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174. I was getting
to that.
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175. Uh, as, as it is written...
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176. the lion dith spit him up...
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177. along with a lamb.
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178. A talking lamb.
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179. "And verily,
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180. "it came to pass
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181. "that the big lump in the middle
of the boa constrictor
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182. "turned out to be
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183. "the missing ranger.
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184. "Forasmuch as the multitudes
could still hear his radio
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185. "saying unto them,
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186. "Come in, Dave.
Dave, do you read me?"
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187. Oh!
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188. Well, we really shook
the rafters, didn't we?
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189. I think Pastor Roy
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190. might call the cops on us.
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191. Yes, Reese?
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192. Is there some kind of
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193. loyalty oath I can sign
so I can get out of here?
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194. Reese, no one's
forcing you to stay.
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195. The only thing
keeping you here
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196. is that little voice in your
head that keeps saying,
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197. "Why are all these people
so much happier than me?"
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198. Now, then,
as you know,
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199. Mrs. Pitzer,
the church secretary,
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200. suffered a paralyzing
spider bite
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201. at last summer's faith retreat,
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202. but out of
that tragedy
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203. has come these wonderful
inspirational scenes
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204. that she paints
with her mouth.
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205. Here's Elijah being taken
up to Heaven
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206. in his fiery chariot;
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207. Jonah and the whale;
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208. the parting
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209. of the Red Sea...
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210. It's a joyful thing
to witness the way
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211. God has blessed this woman's
tongue and teeth.
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212. Oh, man. Wow.
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213. Mom, I don't want
to go to that class.
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214. You see this paycheck?
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215. I earned this because
we have day care.
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216. Those who earn paychecks
get to have an opinion.
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217. Those who don't
go to Bible school.
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218. Hal, three serious diapers
on the way home.
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219. We have to burn the car seat.
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220. Dad, talk to her.
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221. I don't want to go
to this class.
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222. Malcolm, you have to give
this church a chance.
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223. I understand it's
a little different
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224. from what we're
used to,
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225. but I opened up
to the experience,
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226. and I feel a real
spiritual connection.
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227. How's it looking, Hal?
Great.
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228. See you got the
windows framed in.
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229. We all find
our own path...
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230. our own way.
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231. I don't like the way
it feels either,
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232. but I don't have any more
blouses, you little miracle.
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233. If you could just, for the love
of God, stop crying.
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234. Hi, Donna.
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235. Oh, don't tell me
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236. Jamie's
been carrying on again.
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237. You sure have
a high-spirited little one.
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238. Yeah, I guess I do.
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239. Thanks for everything.
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240. All right, dear.
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241. Oh, and are you going
to be picking up Seth,
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242. or should he be dropped off?
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243. Seth? Who's Seth?
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244. You're babysitting
Seth Richards.
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245. It's been on the schedule
for two weeks.
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246. See? Saturday,
Lois has Seth.
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247. You don't understand.
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248. I'm one of those people who
drops kids off at the co-op.
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249. I don't watch them. I work.
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250. We all take turns sitting.
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251. That's what "co-op" means.
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252. But I thought this one of those
churches where, you know,
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253. people felt good doing things
for other people
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254. who don't have
to do anything back.
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255. I have to work tomorrow.
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256. I'm sorry, but you're going
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257. to have to figure out
something else.
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258. Seth, you have got
to get out of there!
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259. This is my fort!
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260. I'll be with you in a minute.
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261. I have to admit,
I was a doubter.
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262. But I guess
we're pretty lucky
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263. to get a visit
from an actual UFO.
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264. Yeah, yeah, but look at me.
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265. I am still shaking from seeing
that craft with my own two eyes.
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266. I tell you, they spoke to me
telepathically.
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267. There's been
another sighting!
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268. The alien's moved down
to the Songbird Ranch.
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269. They actually have
a piece of landing gear.
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270. What?
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271. No, they don't.
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272. They're lying.
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273. Otto, we can't
let these people...
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274. For your own safety,
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275. do not wave at them.
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276. They think our hands
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277. are sex organs.
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278. You may start something
you won't want to finish.
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279. What?
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280. I love you.
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281. Stop saying that.
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282. Ever since we joined
this church,
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283. you've been acting
really weird.
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284. That's because
I'm a different Reese.
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285. I was sitting
in Bible class dead,
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286. when suddenly I was awakened.
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287. I'm dedicated to something
outside myself now.
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288. Something wonderful.
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289. Now come here.
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290. Can't you just hit me
like you used to?
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291. I'm just too happy.
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292. It's beautiful.
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293. You painted it and everything.
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294. Welcome home, Hal.
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295. I am so overwhelmed by this.
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296. And I'm not just
blowing smoke this time.
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297. You are the best.
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298. God bless you all.
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299. I think you're charging me
for your own soda.
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300. Oh, I'm sorry.
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301. That kid has me so frazzled.
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302. I mean... Where is he?
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303. Lois, for the love of God,
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304. are you watching
this kid or not?
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305. Where did you find him?
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306. Under a car
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307. sharing his candy bar
with a squirrel.
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308. He didn't like it.
He's sick.
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309. Lois, I am trying out
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310. a less supportive
undergarment.
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311. I can't be chasing this
boy all around the store.
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312. Why don't you just
leave him in your car
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313. like the other
bad mothers do?
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314. Mrs. Munson,
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315. I want you
to release my brother.
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316. What?
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317. Ever since Reese
Copy !req
318. got in your class,
he's been really nice to me.
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319. Trust me— it's creepy.
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320. I don't like
this church.
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321. Ever since we came here,
all I do is think about stuff.
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322. What kind of God
makes children think
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323. when they're not even in school?
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324. Well, now, see,
that is a torment,
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325. but I'm sure He has His reasons.
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326. Yeah, like Pastor Roy said.
Copy !req
327. How God's so much bigger
and wiser than us
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328. and trying to see
what he's thinking
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329. would be like an ant trying
to see what I'm thinking.
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330. Yes, exactly.
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331. But we can trust in His wisdom
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332. and we can have faith
that He is watching over us.
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333. Like me with the anthill
in my backyard.
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334. I spent days watching the ants,
trying to figure out
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335. which ones were good
and which ones were bad.
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336. But they all just
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337. looked like ants,
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338. so I started
smiting all of them.
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339. Well, that's not...
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340. I was smiting them
with the garden hose
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341. and with lighter fluid
and with the lawn mower,
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342. and to be
perfectly honest,
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343. I think I went a little crazy
with the shovel.
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344. Those ants
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345. could have been praying
to me all day,
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346. I wouldn't have heard them.
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347. There was nothing
they could do about it.
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348. But I don't
think...
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349. Really, it's the same with us.
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350. There's nothing we can do
about anything, either.
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351. So why worry about it?
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352. Hey, this
is making me feel better.
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353. Well, that's... good, but...
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354. I guess all we can do
is live our lives
Copy !req
355. with as much
kindness
Copy !req
356. and decency as possible
Copy !req
357. and try not to dwell
on God standing over us
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358. with that giant shovel.
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359. Bye.
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360. That was $50 worth
of makeup.
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361. Am I pretty?
No, you are not pretty.
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362. You have caused me an
enormous amount of trouble
Copy !req
363. and I have had it,
you hear me?
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364. Seth?
Copy !req
365. Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
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366. Is he...
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367. Are you from the co-op?
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368. Yes, yes, I am.
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369. And I suppose that
this might look a little odd,
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370. but in my defense,
I didn't realize
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371. I'd have to take care
of a kid today...
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372. a child...
a, um...
Copy !req
373. a little person.
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374. What are pleasure dots?
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375. Oh, my Lord.
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376. Seth,
Copy !req
377. you come away from that
woman this instant.
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378. He did some nice coloring.
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379. What the hell
are you doing?
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380. What does it look
like I'm doing?
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381. What kind of alien are you?
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382. You don't even glow
in the dark.
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383. Get out of here.
Copy !req
384. You get out of here.
You get out of here.
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385. You get out of here.
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386. You get...
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387. Hal, I had a terrible day
with that child.
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388. Oh, honey, I'm sorry I
couldn't help you out.
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389. I just got back
from an all-day
Copy !req
390. hayride committee meeting.
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391. Do you know there are six
different kinds of hay
Copy !req
392. and they all have
their promoters.
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393. Hal, listen to me.
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394. It was impossible
at work with that child,
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395. but I kept thinking,
"I don't have a choice.
Copy !req
396. I have to do this for Jamie."
Copy !req
397. And then the parents came
and there was
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398. this ugly thing,
and then
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399. I saw this.
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400. Hey, this is good coloring.
Copy !req
401. It's baby Moses
in the bullrushes.
Copy !req
402. And I started to think
about that story,
Copy !req
403. where the mother has
to take her little one
Copy !req
404. and send him
down the river forever
Copy !req
405. to be raised by someone else.
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406. And I wanted to be that mom.
Copy !req
407. Hal... I don't like this baby.
Copy !req
408. Are you serious?
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409. I know it's terrible.
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410. I don't deserve
to be a mother.
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411. I'm supposed to be
feeling all this perfect
Copy !req
412. motherly love,
and it's not there.
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413. It is just not there.
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414. I can't believe
you're saying this.
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415. I know it's horrible.
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416. You really
don't remember, do you?
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417. Remember what?
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418. Honey, you've hated
all our babies.
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419. You couldn't
stand
Copy !req
420. the sight of any of them
for at least two months.
Copy !req
421. What?
Well, Reese, six months,
Copy !req
422. but he was a nipple-biter,
so I didn't blame you.
Copy !req
423. You told me
Copy !req
424. to leave Francis
at the county fair
Copy !req
425. so he could be
raised by cows.
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426. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
427. It's just that
you're so tired
Copy !req
428. and, I mean, this all
seems so overwhelming,
Copy !req
429. but believe me, in a few weeks
you are going to love this baby
Copy !req
430. as much as anyone
has ever loved a baby.
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431. Really?
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432. Yeah.
Copy !req
433. Hey, I don't hear anything.
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434. Where is the baby?
Copy !req
435. Sleeping quietly.
Copy !req
436. Been that way
for an hour.
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437. Oh, my goodness.
Copy !req
438. How precious.
Copy !req
439. Who couldn't love
something like that?
Copy !req
440. Do we have
to keep the painting?
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441. No.
Copy !req
442. We just have to find
an atheist handyman.
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443. Come, it's time.
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444. It all became clear to me
that first day in church.
Copy !req
445. And now that
everything
Copy !req
446. has been carefully prepared,
Copy !req
447. this will be the most
magnificent day
Copy !req
448. of my life.
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449. What are you doing?
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450. I plan to float
above the clouds
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451. and experience the joy
that only birds can know.
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452. You're going to fry yourself
on a high-voltage wire.
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453. I'm not afraid.
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454. I have faith in my vision.
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455. I love you, Dewey.
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456. This is incredible.
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457. I can see the top of Dad's car
from here.
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458. I'll miss you at first.
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459. No, I'm as surprised as you are.
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460. No, I'm as surprised as you are.
Copy !req
461. No, I'm as surprised
as yo are.
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462. The United States
government is not happy
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463. with the level of interest
you've created in this sector.
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464. But what's the harm
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465. in pretending I'm
from another planet?
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466. I mean, all
that UFO stuff
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467. about abductions
and cavity probes,
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468. that's all made up.
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469. Right?
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470. Yes, there are no aliens.
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471. But there are cavity probes.
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472. But you just joined us
two weeks ago.
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473. Believe me, you do not want us
to be part of your church.
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474. We really don't belong
around civilized people.
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475. Oh, come now.
I'm sure that's just a...
Copy !req
476. See, that's exactly
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477. the kind of thing
we're talking about.
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