1. Oh, not again.Copy !req
2. This baby... is gonna kill us.Copy !req
3. Oh, Jamie, for the love of...!Copy !req
4. It's all over the walls.Copy !req
5. Boys, it's a level three!Copy !req
6. Backyard, now!Copy !req
7. Oh, my God!Copy !req
8. How does this kid
keep getting out
of its diaper?Copy !req
9. Damned if I know.Copy !req
10. I put that one on
with duct tape.Copy !req
11. Reese, get a mask and bucket
and clean up that wall.Copy !req
12. Malcolm, find the old diaperCopy !req
13. and bury it
at least three feet deep.Copy !req
14. Dewey, stand by
with the garden hose.Copy !req
15. Oh, we don't
have any diapers!Copy !req
16. How did we go through
a bonus pack in one day?Copy !req
17. Ugh! Jamie just went
all over the towel!Copy !req
18. Dewey, here... give me
your pajama top.Copy !req
19. Not again!Copy !req
20. This is my last pair!Copy !req
21. Let's get you to the shower.Copy !req
22. God... oh...Copy !req
23. Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait.Copy !req
24. Ugh, it's in my hair!Copy !req
25. Yes, I was checking our status
at the day care center.Copy !req
26. What? How do you move down
on the waiting list?Copy !req
27. Those are juvenile
offensesCopy !req
28. and shouldn't be part
of the public record!Copy !req
29. Hal, what are we going to do?Copy !req
30. My maternity leave is over,Copy !req
31. I go back to work tomorrow,Copy !req
32. and we still haven't found
day care for Jamie.Copy !req
33. Well, honey, maybe
you'll have to just...Copy !req
34. stay out
a little longer.Copy !req
35. I know money
is tight, but...Copy !req
36. we can alwaysCopy !req
37. stretch our pennies
a little more.Copy !req
38. This is insane.Copy !req
39. There is no juice left in there.Copy !req
40. You are watering down water.Copy !req
41. All right,
we're desperate!Copy !req
42. But there has to be
some decent day care programCopy !req
43. we can afford.Copy !req
44. Now, where the hell
haven't we looked?Copy !req
45. We're joining a church?Copy !req
46. We don't know anything
about these people.Copy !req
47. They have the best staffed
co-op nursery in town,Copy !req
48. and they'll take care
of Jamie for free.Copy !req
49. So, as far as these people know,
we've been practicing membersCopy !req
50. of the Brethren of Calvary
for years, you understand?Copy !req
51. Why doesn't Malcolm
have to be here?Copy !req
52. Would you rather be
doing his job right now?Copy !req
53. Ow, ow, ow! Let go, let go!Copy !req
54. What if they
ask me to pray?Copy !req
55. I don't know
how to pray.Copy !req
56. Look, they only
want to meet us.Copy !req
57. So for the next half hour,
as far as you're concerned,Copy !req
58. God is the greatest
thing in the universe,Copy !req
59. and that's that.Copy !req
60. Hello, everyone. I'm Pastor Roy.Copy !req
61. I understand you
want to transferCopy !req
62. your membership
from the Brethren in Danville?Copy !req
63. Yes. We were longtime
members in Danville.Copy !req
64. I didn't know we had a church
in Danville.Copy !req
65. It's gone now,
bought out by a strip club.Copy !req
66. Really?Copy !req
67. Well, it's not
all nude.Copy !req
68. It's just topless
with tassels, but still...Copy !req
69. We just so want to continueCopy !req
70. to be part
of the Brethren community.Copy !req
71. "Community." I love that word.Copy !req
72. And our branch is very active.Copy !req
73. I'm sure the boys will enjoy
Bible study.Copy !req
74. Oh, I'm sure they will.
And of course,Copy !req
75. we also have hayrides, retreats,
prayer breakfasts...Copy !req
76. Day care?
Day care...Copy !req
77. Really? Lois,
did you hear that?Copy !req
78. They have day care.
I did not know that.Copy !req
79. That kind of service
is why we have alwaysCopy !req
80. been so committed
to this church.Copy !req
81. That's wonderful.Copy !req
82. Have you gone through
the Precepts of the Covenant?Copy !req
83. Yes. Of course.Copy !req
84. Love the Precepts.Copy !req
85. Number three has gotten me
through some hard times.Copy !req
86. But it always comes back
to God, huh?Copy !req
87. Yeah, God's pretty neat.Copy !req
88. Yeah, he's totally
my favorite of all them.Copy !req
89. I promise I will hire you backCopy !req
90. just as soon
as business picks up.Copy !req
91. I've never seen it
this slow, Otto.Copy !req
92. That makes six employees
laid off in one week.Copy !req
93. It is that festival
down at Roswell.Copy !req
94. All of the tourists
are going—Copy !req
95. to see where
the UFOs landed.Copy !req
96. Our people are losing their jobsCopy !req
97. 'cause a bunch of idiot tourists
think little green menCopy !req
98. crashed a spaceship down there?Copy !req
99. That's ridiculous.
Ja.Copy !req
100. They will see
nothing down there.Copy !req
101. The government put
every scrap of evidenceCopy !req
102. in a secret vault
50 years ago.Copy !req
103. Is this the news desk?Copy !req
104. Listen, I'm out
at the Grotto Ranch,Copy !req
105. and... oh, my God,
there it is again!Copy !req
106. There's something weirdCopy !req
107. happening in the sky!Copy !req
108. I see a light
and some kind of craft.Copy !req
109. You'd better get out hereCopy !req
110. right away!Copy !req
111. I suppose it could be out here
for another 20 minutes,Copy !req
112. but you'd better hurry!Copy !req
113. Hi, Donna, we're here.Copy !req
114. Oh, hi, Lois.Copy !req
115. This must be
your little angel.Copy !req
116. There, there.Copy !req
117. I don't know what got
into Jamie this morning.Copy !req
118. This is so out
of the ordinary!Copy !req
119. There, there, pumpkin.
When'd you get so fussy?Copy !req
120. Well, sometimes
even the youngest babiesCopy !req
121. can sense your anxiety
on the first day.Copy !req
122. Yeah, that must be it.Copy !req
123. Uh, I expressed
some breast milk.Copy !req
124. Oh, my.Copy !req
125. I come from a long
line of milkers.Copy !req
126. Once these get started,
there's no stopping them.Copy !req
127. Whoa, this is
so unusual!Copy !req
128. At home we forget
we even have a baby.Copy !req
129. Bye-bye, sweetheart.Copy !req
130. We're going to get along great
here, aren't we, precious?Copy !req
131. Now, I know a lot of the mothers
like to hang around for a whileCopy !req
132. on the first day,
but we think it's...Copy !req
133. I'm still waiting for a price...
Here's your change.
Thank you.Copy !req
134. That's not the right ointment!
What's wrong with you?Copy !req
135. You said you wanted
the do-it-yourself
applicator,Copy !req
136. you crazy old man!Copy !req
137. You think you're getting
out of helping me with this?Copy !req
138. You're my wife!Copy !req
139. Ooh. Ooh!Copy !req
140. Has it always been
this quiet here?Copy !req
141. And the best part is,
when you play with God,Copy !req
142. it's always your turn.Copy !req
143. What does the "T" on
the wall stand for?Copy !req
144. Uh, we'll talk
about that later.Copy !req
145. Hal, I have to meet
a parishioner in my office.Copy !req
146. Would you mind
continuing the lesson?Copy !req
147. What, me?
Don't worry.Copy !req
148. It's just the story
of Daniel and the lions.Copy !req
149. I'm sure you know it
in your sleep.Copy !req
150. Uh...Copy !req
151. Okay, then, class.Copy !req
152. Uh...Copy !req
153. this is a story about a man
named Daniel,Copy !req
154. and, apparently, some lions,
so...Copy !req
155. Um...Copy !req
156. "Uh, it-it pleased DariusCopy !req
157. "to set over the kingdomCopy !req
158. "120 princes,Copy !req
159. "which should be
over the whole kingdom,Copy !req
160. "and over these three officials,Copy !req
161. uh, uh, of whom Daniel
was first..."Copy !req
162. When do the
lions show up?Copy !req
163. Soon, Dewey.Copy !req
164. Please, you just have to be
a little patient.Copy !req
165. Ooh! Ooh!Copy !req
166. "Uh, uh, and Darius
said to Daniel,Copy !req
167. "'Yea, verily, I smote you,Copy !req
168. "and I send thee
to be thrown into the den.'Copy !req
169. "Where soon,Copy !req
170. Daniel was eaten by the lions."Copy !req
171. I thought God
saved him.Copy !req
172. Oh.Copy !req
173. Well, sure.Copy !req
174. I was getting
to that.Copy !req
175. Uh, as, as it is written...Copy !req
176. the lion dith spit him up...Copy !req
177. along with a lamb.Copy !req
178. A talking lamb.Copy !req
179. "And verily,Copy !req
180. "it came to passCopy !req
181. "that the big lump in the middle
of the boa constrictorCopy !req
182. "turned out to beCopy !req
183. "the missing ranger.Copy !req
184. "Forasmuch as the multitudes
could still hear his radioCopy !req
185. "saying unto them,Copy !req
186. "Come in, Dave.
Dave, do you read me?"Copy !req
187. Oh!Copy !req
188. Well, we really shook
the rafters, didn't we?Copy !req
189. I think Pastor RoyCopy !req
190. might call the cops on us.Copy !req
191. Yes, Reese?Copy !req
192. Is there some kind ofCopy !req
193. loyalty oath I can sign
so I can get out of here?Copy !req
194. Reese, no one's
forcing you to stay.Copy !req
195. The only thing
keeping you hereCopy !req
196. is that little voice in your
head that keeps saying,Copy !req
197. "Why are all these people
so much happier than me?"Copy !req
198. Now, then,
as you know,Copy !req
199. Mrs. Pitzer,
the church secretary,Copy !req
200. suffered a paralyzing
spider biteCopy !req
201. at last summer's faith retreat,Copy !req
202. but out of
that tragedyCopy !req
203. has come these wonderful
inspirational scenesCopy !req
204. that she paints
with her mouth.Copy !req
205. Here's Elijah being taken
up to HeavenCopy !req
206. in his fiery chariot;Copy !req
207. Jonah and the whale;Copy !req
208. the partingCopy !req
209. of the Red Sea...Copy !req
210. It's a joyful thing
to witness the wayCopy !req
211. God has blessed this woman's
tongue and teeth.Copy !req
212. Oh, man. Wow.Copy !req
213. Mom, I don't want
to go to that class.Copy !req
214. You see this paycheck?Copy !req
215. I earned this because
we have day care.Copy !req
216. Those who earn paychecks
get to have an opinion.Copy !req
217. Those who don't
go to Bible school.Copy !req
218. Hal, three serious diapers
on the way home.Copy !req
219. We have to burn the car seat.Copy !req
220. Dad, talk to her.Copy !req
221. I don't want to go
to this class.Copy !req
222. Malcolm, you have to give
this church a chance.Copy !req
223. I understand it's
a little differentCopy !req
224. from what we're
used to,Copy !req
225. but I opened up
to the experience,Copy !req
226. and I feel a real
spiritual connection.Copy !req
227. How's it looking, Hal?
Great.Copy !req
228. See you got the
windows framed in.Copy !req
229. We all find
our own path...Copy !req
230. our own way.Copy !req
231. I don't like the way
it feels either,Copy !req
232. but I don't have any more
blouses, you little miracle.Copy !req
233. If you could just, for the love
of God, stop crying.Copy !req
234. Hi, Donna.Copy !req
235. Oh, don't tell meCopy !req
236. Jamie's
been carrying on again.Copy !req
237. You sure have
a high-spirited little one.Copy !req
238. Yeah, I guess I do.Copy !req
239. Thanks for everything.Copy !req
240. All right, dear.Copy !req
241. Oh, and are you going
to be picking up Seth,Copy !req
242. or should he be dropped off?Copy !req
243. Seth? Who's Seth?Copy !req
244. You're babysitting
Seth Richards.Copy !req
245. It's been on the schedule
for two weeks.Copy !req
246. See? Saturday,
Lois has Seth.Copy !req
247. You don't understand.Copy !req
248. I'm one of those people who
drops kids off at the co-op.Copy !req
249. I don't watch them. I work.Copy !req
250. We all take turns sitting.Copy !req
251. That's what "co-op" means.Copy !req
252. But I thought this one of those
churches where, you know,Copy !req
253. people felt good doing things
for other peopleCopy !req
254. who don't have
to do anything back.Copy !req
255. I have to work tomorrow.Copy !req
256. I'm sorry, but you're goingCopy !req
257. to have to figure out
something else.Copy !req
258. Seth, you have got
to get out of there!Copy !req
259. This is my fort!Copy !req
260. I'll be with you in a minute.Copy !req
261. I have to admit,
I was a doubter.Copy !req
262. But I guess
we're pretty luckyCopy !req
263. to get a visit
from an actual UFO.Copy !req
264. Yeah, yeah, but look at me.Copy !req
265. I am still shaking from seeing
that craft with my own two eyes.Copy !req
266. I tell you, they spoke to me
telepathically.Copy !req
267. There's been
another sighting!Copy !req
268. The alien's moved down
to the Songbird Ranch.Copy !req
269. They actually have
a piece of landing gear.Copy !req
270. What?Copy !req
271. No, they don't.Copy !req
272. They're lying.Copy !req
273. Otto, we can't
let these people...Copy !req
274. For your own safety,Copy !req
275. do not wave at them.Copy !req
276. They think our handsCopy !req
277. are sex organs.Copy !req
278. You may start something
you won't want to finish.Copy !req
279. What?Copy !req
280. I love you.Copy !req
281. Stop saying that.Copy !req
282. Ever since we joined
this church,Copy !req
283. you've been acting
really weird.Copy !req
284. That's because
I'm a different Reese.Copy !req
285. I was sitting
in Bible class dead,Copy !req
286. when suddenly I was awakened.Copy !req
287. I'm dedicated to something
outside myself now.Copy !req
288. Something wonderful.Copy !req
289. Now come here.Copy !req
290. Can't you just hit me
like you used to?Copy !req
291. I'm just too happy.Copy !req
292. It's beautiful.Copy !req
293. You painted it and everything.Copy !req
294. Welcome home, Hal.Copy !req
295. I am so overwhelmed by this.Copy !req
296. And I'm not just
blowing smoke this time.Copy !req
297. You are the best.Copy !req
298. God bless you all.Copy !req
299. I think you're charging me
for your own soda.Copy !req
300. Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
301. That kid has me so frazzled.Copy !req
302. I mean... Where is he?Copy !req
303. Lois, for the love of God,Copy !req
304. are you watching
this kid or not?Copy !req
305. Where did you find him?Copy !req
306. Under a carCopy !req
307. sharing his candy bar
with a squirrel.Copy !req
308. He didn't like it.
He's sick.Copy !req
309. Lois, I am trying outCopy !req
310. a less supportive
undergarment.Copy !req
311. I can't be chasing this
boy all around the store.Copy !req
312. Why don't you just
leave him in your carCopy !req
313. like the other
bad mothers do?Copy !req
314. Mrs. Munson,Copy !req
315. I want you
to release my brother.Copy !req
316. What?Copy !req
317. Ever since ReeseCopy !req
318. got in your class,
he's been really nice to me.Copy !req
319. Trust me— it's creepy.Copy !req
320. I don't like
this church.Copy !req
321. Ever since we came here,
all I do is think about stuff.Copy !req
322. What kind of God
makes children thinkCopy !req
323. when they're not even in school?Copy !req
324. Well, now, see,
that is a torment,Copy !req
325. but I'm sure He has His reasons.Copy !req
326. Yeah, like Pastor Roy said.Copy !req
327. How God's so much bigger
and wiser than usCopy !req
328. and trying to see
what he's thinkingCopy !req
329. would be like an ant trying
to see what I'm thinking.Copy !req
330. Yes, exactly.Copy !req
331. But we can trust in His wisdomCopy !req
332. and we can have faith
that He is watching over us.Copy !req
333. Like me with the anthill
in my backyard.Copy !req
334. I spent days watching the ants,
trying to figure outCopy !req
335. which ones were good
and which ones were bad.Copy !req
336. But they all justCopy !req
337. looked like ants,Copy !req
338. so I started
smiting all of them.Copy !req
339. Well, that's not...Copy !req
340. I was smiting them
with the garden hoseCopy !req
341. and with lighter fluid
and with the lawn mower,Copy !req
342. and to be
perfectly honest,Copy !req
343. I think I went a little crazy
with the shovel.Copy !req
344. Those antsCopy !req
345. could have been praying
to me all day,Copy !req
346. I wouldn't have heard them.Copy !req
347. There was nothing
they could do about it.Copy !req
348. But I don't
think...Copy !req
349. Really, it's the same with us.Copy !req
350. There's nothing we can do
about anything, either.Copy !req
351. So why worry about it?Copy !req
352. Hey, this
is making me feel better.Copy !req
353. Well, that's... good, but...Copy !req
354. I guess all we can do
is live our livesCopy !req
355. with as much
kindnessCopy !req
356. and decency as possibleCopy !req
357. and try not to dwell
on God standing over usCopy !req
358. with that giant shovel.Copy !req
359. Bye.Copy !req
360. That was $50 worth
of makeup.Copy !req
361. Am I pretty?
No, you are not pretty.Copy !req
362. You have caused me an
enormous amount of troubleCopy !req
363. and I have had it,
you hear me?Copy !req
364. Seth?Copy !req
365. Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.Copy !req
366. Is he...Copy !req
367. Are you from the co-op?Copy !req
368. Yes, yes, I am.Copy !req
369. And I suppose that
this might look a little odd,Copy !req
370. but in my defense,
I didn't realizeCopy !req
371. I'd have to take care
of a kid today...Copy !req
372. a child...
a, um...Copy !req
373. a little person.Copy !req
374. What are pleasure dots?Copy !req
375. Oh, my Lord.Copy !req
376. Seth,Copy !req
377. you come away from that
woman this instant.Copy !req
378. He did some nice coloring.Copy !req
379. What the hell
are you doing?Copy !req
380. What does it look
like I'm doing?Copy !req
381. What kind of alien are you?Copy !req
382. You don't even glow
in the dark.Copy !req
383. Get out of here.Copy !req
384. You get out of here.
You get out of here.Copy !req
385. You get out of here.Copy !req
386. You get...Copy !req
387. Hal, I had a terrible day
with that child.Copy !req
388. Oh, honey, I'm sorry I
couldn't help you out.Copy !req
389. I just got back
from an all-dayCopy !req
390. hayride committee meeting.Copy !req
391. Do you know there are six
different kinds of hayCopy !req
392. and they all have
their promoters.Copy !req
393. Hal, listen to me.Copy !req
394. It was impossible
at work with that child,Copy !req
395. but I kept thinking,
"I don't have a choice.Copy !req
396. I have to do this for Jamie."Copy !req
397. And then the parents came
and there wasCopy !req
398. this ugly thing,
and thenCopy !req
399. I saw this.Copy !req
400. Hey, this is good coloring.Copy !req
401. It's baby Moses
in the bullrushes.Copy !req
402. And I started to think
about that story,Copy !req
403. where the mother has
to take her little oneCopy !req
404. and send him
down the river foreverCopy !req
405. to be raised by someone else.Copy !req
406. And I wanted to be that mom.Copy !req
407. Hal... I don't like this baby.Copy !req
408. Are you serious?Copy !req
409. I know it's terrible.Copy !req
410. I don't deserve
to be a mother.Copy !req
411. I'm supposed to be
feeling all this perfectCopy !req
412. motherly love,
and it's not there.Copy !req
413. It is just not there.Copy !req
414. I can't believe
you're saying this.Copy !req
415. I know it's horrible.Copy !req
416. You really
don't remember, do you?Copy !req
417. Remember what?Copy !req
418. Honey, you've hated
all our babies.Copy !req
419. You couldn't
standCopy !req
420. the sight of any of them
for at least two months.Copy !req
421. What?
Well, Reese, six months,Copy !req
422. but he was a nipple-biter,
so I didn't blame you.Copy !req
423. You told meCopy !req
424. to leave Francis
at the county fairCopy !req
425. so he could be
raised by cows.Copy !req
426. Oh, my God.Copy !req
427. It's just that
you're so tiredCopy !req
428. and, I mean, this all
seems so overwhelming,Copy !req
429. but believe me, in a few weeks
you are going to love this babyCopy !req
430. as much as anyone
has ever loved a baby.Copy !req
431. Really?Copy !req
432. Yeah.Copy !req
433. Hey, I don't hear anything.Copy !req
434. Where is the baby?Copy !req
435. Sleeping quietly.Copy !req
436. Been that way
for an hour.Copy !req
437. Oh, my goodness.Copy !req
438. How precious.Copy !req
439. Who couldn't love
something like that?Copy !req
440. Do we have
to keep the painting?Copy !req
441. No.Copy !req
442. We just have to find
an atheist handyman.Copy !req
443. Come, it's time.Copy !req
444. It all became clear to me
that first day in church.Copy !req
445. And now that
everythingCopy !req
446. has been carefully prepared,Copy !req
447. this will be the most
magnificent dayCopy !req
448. of my life.Copy !req
449. What are you doing?Copy !req
450. I plan to float
above the cloudsCopy !req
451. and experience the joy
that only birds can know.Copy !req
452. You're going to fry yourself
on a high-voltage wire.Copy !req
453. I'm not afraid.Copy !req
454. I have faith in my vision.Copy !req
455. I love you, Dewey.Copy !req
456. This is incredible.Copy !req
457. I can see the top of Dad's car
from here.Copy !req
458. I'll miss you at first.Copy !req
459. No, I'm as surprised as you are.Copy !req
460. No, I'm as surprised as you are.Copy !req
461. No, I'm as surprised
as yo are.Copy !req
462. The United States
government is not happyCopy !req
463. with the level of interest
you've created in this sector.Copy !req
464. But what's the harmCopy !req
465. in pretending I'm
from another planet?Copy !req
466. I mean, all
that UFO stuffCopy !req
467. about abductions
and cavity probes,Copy !req
468. that's all made up.Copy !req
469. Right?Copy !req
470. Yes, there are no aliens.Copy !req
471. But there are cavity probes.Copy !req
472. But you just joined us
two weeks ago.Copy !req
473. Believe me, you do not want us
to be part of your church.Copy !req
474. We really don't belong
around civilized people.Copy !req
475. Oh, come now.
I'm sure that's just a...Copy !req
476. See, that's exactlyCopy !req
477. the kind of thing
we're talking about.Copy !req