1. Malcolm, Malcolm, in school,
we learned the coolest thing.
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2. There were these people
who did this broadcast
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3. and convinced everyone
that aliens were landing.
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4. So, what we do
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5. is we wait for Reese
to fall asleep,
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6. then we flash some lights
outside his window,
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7. and we go to the TV,
but we'll have made a tape...
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8. Dewey, you're totally
overthinking this.
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9. Reese, aliens landed
down the street!
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10. Every man for himself!
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11. Oh.
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12. Mom is coming home a week early
from Aunt Susan's.
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13. We did all right with her gone,
but we still have
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14. a couple things to take care of
before she gets back.
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15. Move it, move it.
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16. Now, remember, boys,
if you see the bobcat,
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17. don't be a hero.
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18. Stand on a chair
and use your whistle.
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19. Get out of here, Foamy! Go home!
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20. You think she'll notice
the grass fire?
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21. Just remember,
as far as we know,
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22. Dewey has always been missing
the tip of his finger.
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23. Boys, we're home.
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24. Oh, boys, I've missed you so!
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25. Dad knocked down
your bedroom wall.
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26. What?
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27. Honey, I-I know
it doesn't look like much,
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28. but this is just
the beginning stages
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29. of a major expansion.
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30. I have
conceptual drawings here.
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31. Look, look.
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32. See how it continues
onto my hand?
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33. It was going to be something
really nice for you and the baby
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34. with a window seat,
and please just promise
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35. you won't get mad
and leave again!
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36. Hal, I'm just so glad
to be home!
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37. Oh!
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38. Ugh! My sister
is the most obnoxious,
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39. sanctimonious know-it-all
I've ever met.
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40. She spent every
minute of my visit
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41. telling me everything I've
ever done wrong in my life.
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42. It was just awful.
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43. Tell me about it.
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44. Dating her was the worst
five years of my life.
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45. Well, you know why she's
like that, don't you?
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46. My parents.
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47. Susan was always
the pretty one,
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48. Susan was the smart one, Susan
was the one with all the talent.
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49. I was the one that couldn't
do anything right.
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50. Hal, it got me
thinking about Reese.
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51. As if you weren't feeling
bad enough.
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52. No, Hal, I don't think that
we give Reese enough credit.
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53. I think that if we gave Reese
a little more responsibility,
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54. he would rise
to the challenge.
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55. Now, I'm not talking
about giving him
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56. a key to the house,
or anything.
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57. I just think some encouragement
would do him good.
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58. Okay.
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59. Ooh.
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60. Honey, come here.
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61. The eggs have hatched.
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62. Morning.
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63. Dewey, Mom's home.
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64. Huh?
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65. Oh. Right.
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66. So, it's going to cost
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67. at least $800
to close up the wall.
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68. I suppose I can go back
to work at the drugstore.
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69. Really?
Yeah.
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70. I'm sure I can stand
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71. on my feet
for eight hours a day.
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72. And if you fall,
the amniotic fluid
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73. provides a great cushion.
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74. We'll think of something.
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75. Hey, there's
tons of stuff
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76. we don't use
in the garage.
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77. Why don't we just put it out
on the front lawn
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78. and see if we can sell it?
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79. You mean like
a garage sale?
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80. That's a terrific idea, Reese.
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81. Don't you think
that's a great idea, Hal?
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82. Actually,
I was the one...
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83. And you know what?
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84. You can be
in charge.
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85. You can organize the stuff,
you can set the prices,
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86. you can pick the date.
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87. Why? I didn't
do anything.
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88. Reese, this isn't a punishment.
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89. This is us demonstrating
our faith in you,
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90. because I know
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91. you are going to do a great job.
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92. We believe in you.
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93. Don't we, Hal?
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94. For God's sakes, he's my son.
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95. I mean, I love him.
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96. Just answer the question, Hal.
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97. Who wants juice?
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98. I do!
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99. You can't just sell
all my old stuff.
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100. Everything in that garage
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101. represents a precious
childhood memory.
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102. It's a bunch of old magazines,
a broken yo-yo
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103. and a Rubik's cube
painted all one color.
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104. Well, you try and solve
that thing!
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105. I'm not going to argue with you.
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106. You have ten seconds
to come up with a good reason
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107. to keep all that junk,
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108. or I'm getting rid of it.
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109. See, this is why
you are a terrible mother.
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110. Because everything has to be
a competition with you!
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111. Oh, it does not.
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112. I'm hanging up!I'm hanging up first.
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113. No, I'm hanging...
Damn it!
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114. You mustn't talk about
your family like that, Francis.
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115. There is nothing
more important than...
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116. It's a letter from
our son, Rutger!
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117. We must hide
this immediately.
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118. Why do you have to hide
a letter from your son?
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119. Otto, no!
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120. What are you doing?
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121. Nothing, because this
did not happen.
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122. Nothing happened.
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123. Except for me telling you
that nothing happened.
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124. That happened, but only that.
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125. Things will begin
to happen again, starting...
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126. now!
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127. Oh, look, the mail came.
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128. Hmm, hmm, hmm.
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129. Soon as the swelling
in my ankles goes down,
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130. I'm going to get right back
to work with you boys.
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131. Thank you, honey.
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132. No matter what it
does to the baby.
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133. Reese, if you put
the heavy boxes down first,
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134. and thenstack
the light ones on top...
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135. It just kills you I'm
in charge, doesn't it?
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136. Oh, wow!
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137. What's that?
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138. This is the transmitter
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139. from the pirate radio station
I had in college!
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140. It was only a couple of watts,
but I brought the truth
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141. to everyone within three blocks
of the west side of campus.
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142. Until the FCC
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143. shut me down
for telling it like it was.
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144. And for not having a license.
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145. See, the way it works...
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146. I was just trying to be polite.
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147. I didn't think you were going
to punish me for it.
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148. Hey, there, Sparky.
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149. So, half the campus is
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150. goose-stepping down
to the bonfire
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151. to be brainwashed
by the Stepford cheerleaders—
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152. the pied pipers of pep.
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153. They want us to forget
why we came to this institution,
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154. but not Kid Charlemagne.
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155. I am here to seek knowledge.
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156. Let's get going, Hal.
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157. And don't forget your head.
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158. Righty-o.
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159. I remember this toy.
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160. I begged for it for months.
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161. It was supposed to move and talk
and learn my name.
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162. But the stupid thing
never worked.
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163. Robot, robot, robot,
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164. robot, robot, robot...
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165. Okay, now I need
a five-inch girder.
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166. Coming right up.
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167. Hey, look, my baseball glove.
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168. Hey, look, my baseball glove.
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169. Dad, is this yours?
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170. No, it must have
been my roommate's.
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171. You know, I think
it might be something...
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172. Throw it out.
It's garbage.
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173. Reese, maybe we should
try to find out what it is.
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174. Mom!
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175. Malcolm's not respecting
my leadership!
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176. Malcolm, you respect
Reese's leadership!
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177. Ooh, come on.
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178. Come on.
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179. Yes!
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180. He said he'd return.
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181. He couldn't be silenced.
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182. Kid Charlemagne
is back on the air.
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183. Otto always planned
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184. that when Rutger
finished college,
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185. he would come out here und
live with us on the ranch.
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186. But instead, he insisted
on going to medical school.
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187. And when he was named chief
surgeon of his hospital,
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188. Otto was crushed.
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189. It's so strange he never
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190. mentioned any of this.
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191. That is Otto's
Teutonic pride.
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192. He will never, ever show
his feelings to anyone.
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193. Welcome to the Grotto.
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194. I'm sure you will
enjoy your stay.
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195. And don't forget to
visit the gift shop.
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196. Oh... perhaps tomorrow,
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197. you would like to
go horseback riding
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198. on Uncle Otto's pony!
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199. Malcolm, dinner!
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200. Hal, I'm not going
to call you again!
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201. There are so many things
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202. the government
doesn't want you to know,
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203. and that's why they don't want
Kid Charlemagne on this mic.
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204. Do I love my country? Yes.
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205. Do I vote?
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206. I used to, until they moved
our polling place
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207. to the house with the big dog.
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208. Hal! I said dinner!
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209. Kid Charlemagne is
back on the air.
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210. I think we should start
the garage sale around 7:00,
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211. because serious shoppers
like to get an early start.
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212. Unless you have
a different idea,
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213. which I'm sure would be great.
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214. I was thinking 11:30.
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215. So I could watch cartoons.
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216. Oh, so you'll be
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217. well rested
and better able to focus.
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218. Good thinking.
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219. Where were you
this afternoon?
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220. I instructed you to separate the
twist ties according to length.
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221. He's been like
this all day.
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222. I was doing homework.
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223. No homework takes
more than 20 minutes.
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224. Hal, what are you
doing out there?
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225. I've been gone for six weeks,
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226. and now that I'm home,
I barely see you.
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227. I missed you, too.
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228. Why don't I put
on some music?
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229. What is this childish need
you have to defy my authority?
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230. Bite me. Just when I was starting
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231. to feel confident
in my abilities.
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232. Malcolm, I am sick of you always
putting your brother down.
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233. This is Reese's project, and you
are going to be supportive.
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234. And if the government
doesn't have a car
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235. that runs on water,
then what are they
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236. building all those dams for?
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237. Reese is in charge
of this garage sale,
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238. and you are going
to obey him.
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239. No matter
what he asks you to do,
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240. you are going to do it.
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241. But he's... Malcolm, you can either let him
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242. be in charge of you
for the garage sale,
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243. or you can let him
be in charge of you
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244. every day for the rest
of your life.
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245. In case
you haven't noticed,
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246. "Evian" spelled backwards
is "naive"!
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247. Wow, it's like
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248. that guy is saying
what we're all thinking.
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249. Hal, will you
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250. turn that racket off?
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251. Well, I guess I can't expect
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252. a suburban housewife
to understand.
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253. Dewey, what are you doing?
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254. A tennis ball doesn't go
with the football.
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255. It goes
with the ceramic bananas.
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256. This is stupid.
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257. Why are we sorting everything
by color?
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258. Because I say so.
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259. And because alphabetical order
was slowing us down.
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260. Us?
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261. This better be good.
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262. There'll be hell to pay
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263. if Jellybean wakes up
from her massage
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264. and doesn't see me
on the table next to her.
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265. Oh, my God!
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266. Is that a Nortair?
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267. It's a Nortair 680b.
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268. It's, like, the first
personal computer ever made.
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269. You have an interest in this
type of stuff, don't you?
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270. There aren't many
of these left.
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271. I'll give you
five bucks for it.
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272. Yeah, right.
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273. I checked online.
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274. This is in
mint condition.
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275. It's worth at
least $1,300.
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276. Deal. No take-backs,
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277. double black magic,
tap it, bomb it,
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278. flush it down the toilet.
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279. You understand it's going
to take me a couple days
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280. to get the money. That's exactly what I want.
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281. I want you to buy it
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282. this Saturday
at our garage sale.
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283. In front of everybody.
With cash.
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284. You're going to react in horror
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285. when I tell you Reese was going
to throw this in the trash.
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286. And then
you're going
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287. to tell everyone they should
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288. have listened to meall along.
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289. You know, right now
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290. you're sounding a lot
like a James Bond villain.
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291. Me? There's nothing
wrong with me.
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292. I'm fine.
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293. And right.
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294. And right!
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295. And on Saturday,
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296. everyone's going to know it.
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297. Okay, but these revenge plans
have a way of backfiring.
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298. Word to the wise,
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299. if you ever make someone
an Ex-Lax milkshake,
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300. don't do it on an empty stomach.
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301. Someone is looking down at you
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302. from a satellite with his finger
on the death beam,
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303. and somewhere,
someone is watching him.
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304. But who's watching that...
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305. Oh, no! Oh, no.
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306. Sir, do you know why
I pulled you over?
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307. Certainly not for operating
an illegal pirate radio station.
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308. I mean, even if I did
have the equipment in college,
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309. I wouldn't have kept it
and be using it today.
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310. What's with all these questions,
anyway?
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311. Do you have a warrant?
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312. You ran a stop sign
a half mile back.
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313. What?
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314. There's no stop sign back there.
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315. It's at the driveway
to the country club.
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316. They just put it up.
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317. That stop sign is
a declaration of war!
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318. It's for the fat cats
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319. up on top of the hill
playing golf
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320. while us regular Joes are late
for our second job,
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321. or church or dinner
with our families.
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322. "Well, I'm sorry
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323. "I missed Little Bobby's
first steps, honey,
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324. "but I had to come
to a complete stop
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325. just because those robber barons
can't look both ways!"
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326. Gretchen, what
are you doing?
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327. I was just going
through some
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328. of Rutger's things
from when he was a boy.
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329. Boy, I don't remember
that he was so fat.
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330. Schlupi!
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331. Who's Schlupi?
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332. Otto and Rutger used
to love Schlupi.
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333. Otto would put Schlupi on,
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334. and Rutger would laugh
and laugh.
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335. It was almost
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336. like a little brother to him.
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337. Schlupi could say all of
the things that Otto couldn't.
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338. Like, "Go to bed."
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339. And "Behave yourself."
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340. And "Take your finger
out of there, it's disgusting!"
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341. Oh, the love in that house.
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342. And now...
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343. it's gone.
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344. Gretchen, I hate
seeing you so upset.
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345. You've got to talk
to Otto about this.
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346. There is no getting through
to him.
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347. He won't even admit
that anything is wrong.
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348. Oh!
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349. Oh... Oh.
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350. So you have
the money, right?
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351. Yes. It cost me
three Little Lulus
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352. and a Captain
Picard plate.
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353. I hope you're happy.
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354. I'll go get the computer.
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355. You memorize this script.
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356. Reese, that's a great idea
you're probably having
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357. to help that lady
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358. who's trying to buy something.
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359. Yeah, okay.
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360. Can I help you?
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361. How much for the vacuum?
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362. That's a set. You can only
buy that if you buy the lamp.
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363. But I don't need a lamp.
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364. Then you don't need a vacuum.
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365. She'll be back.
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366. And the lamp isn't going
without the blender.
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367. You've obviously put a lot
of thought into this.
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368. Where the heck does your father
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369. keep disappearing to?
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370. And then the stop sign army
spring into action,
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371. all in support
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372. of the military industrial
country club complex.
Copy !req
373. But that's not where it ends.
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374. Ooh.
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375. Okay, pay attention to this.
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376. How many sides to a stop sign?
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377. Eight.
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378. That's just a little too close
to the number of judges
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379. on the Supreme Court
for this citizen.
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380. Hang on a second, America.
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381. Thank you very much.
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382. That's mypiggy bank!
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383. That was in my room!
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384. Relax, dipwad.
I got two bucks for it.
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385. It had $16 in it!
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386. Wah-wah.
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387. Spilt milk.
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388. Mom, stupid Reese just did
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389. the stupidest thing to my...
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390. You're as bad as Malcolm.
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391. I don't want to hear any more
complaining out of you
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392. for the rest of the day,
understood?
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393. Now, go! Help your brother.
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394. Excuse me,
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395. do you have a microwave
for sale?
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396. No, we...
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397. Well, actually, yes.
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398. Yes, we do.
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399. Follow me.
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400. Excuse me, Malcolm,
it's me, Craig.
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401. What's that
you're holding in your hands?
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402. You mean this thing that
I've been trying to save?
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403. That Reese has
insisted all along
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404. was mere junk?
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405. Mere junk?
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406. Why, your brother couldn't
be more wrong,
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407. nor you more right.
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408. Please
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409. allow me to buy it from you
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410. for the princely sum of...
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411. Come with me.
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412. Dad, what are you doing?
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413. Craig, get back here!
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414. Mom...
What are you doing
with that?
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415. I ordered you
to throw this away!
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416. Let go of it,
you idiot!
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417. Give it! No!
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418. There you go— $16.
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419. Thank you.
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420. Hey, is that stereo for sale?
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421. Make me an offer.
Copy !req
422. because we believe
in the Constitution!
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423. We don't think
that the Constitution
Copy !req
424. is an empty promise.
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425. We believe in the Bill
of Rights, don't we?
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426. Well, I never understood
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427. what the big deal was
about quartering soldiers.
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428. I mean, as long as I don't have
to change in front of them.
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429. It's the spirit of free speech!
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430. It's the fundamental
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431. freedom that thousands of men
have given their lives for!
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432. Hang a left here on Riverton.
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433. Attention, you are
conducting a broadcast
Copy !req
434. in direct violation
of FCC Rule 27.
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435. Pull over.
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436. I'm not going down
without a fight!
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437. I'm the voice of the little man!
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438. The man on the girder.
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439. The man on the streets.
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440. The man
that fights The Man!
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441. Oh, my God!
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442. You're Kid
Charlemagne.
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443. Give it!
No!
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444. Let go!
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445. Reese, don't,
you stupid jackass.
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446. You don't know
what you're doing!
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447. That is enough out of you!
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448. Are you really
so insecure that you can't stand
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449. anyone else getting
any attention?
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450. Your brother has worked so hard
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451. to make this yard sale
a success,
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452. he doesn't need you
undermining him at ever turn.
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453. Mom, you have
to listen to me.
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454. We have a Nortair 680b.
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455. It's a type of computer
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456. that was built in 1976.
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457. There's only a few
in existence.
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458. And Craig is going
to give us $1,300 for it.
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459. $1,300?
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460. Oh, my God.
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461. What are you doing?
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462. I have a lot
of things to sell,
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463. and I don't have time
to argue with this bozo.
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464. I've got a Jet Ski
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465. on hold, and the place closes
at 6:00.
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466. What are you
talking about?
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467. I'm buying a jet ski
with my yard sale money.
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468. That money
isn't yours.
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469. It's going to rebuild
our bedroom wall.
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470. But you said
I was in charge.
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471. That means
I get the money!
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472. No, it doesn't.
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473. Then why the hell would I want
to be in charge?
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474. Reese, this is helping you
become a better person
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475. by building your
self-esteem,
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476. which you are obviously
going to need
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477. if you are stupid enough
to throw away $1,300
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478. that this family
desperately needs!
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479. I'm cooperating!
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480. I never met this man before.
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481. I hate the Constitution.
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482. I hate free speech.
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483. I'll snitch.
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484. I know things!
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485. What on earth?
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486. Stop! Government agent!
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487. Fare warning, sir!
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488. Running adds an additional
$80 to your fine!
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489. Otto, come out.
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490. I know you're in here.
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491. This is ridiculous.
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492. It's been three days.
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493. Look, I know you don't want
to talk about this,
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494. but you can't
just keep hiding.
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495. Are you happy like this?
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496. Don't I look happy?
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497. Gretchen is freaking out.
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498. The guests are leaving
in droves.
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499. And Muffy wants her stall back.
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500. You have to stop this.
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501. There is nothing to stop,
because there's nothing wrong.
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502. Now go away.
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503. Look, if there's one thing
I'm an expert at,
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504. it's pointless family conflict.
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505. And if Rutger is anything
like me,
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506. you're going to have
to make the first move.
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507. That means you're going to have
to deal with your feelings.
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508. I can't.
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509. I know you can't.
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510. That's why I want you
to do something for me.
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511. Hmm?
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512. Look at your wedding ring.
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513. Hmm?
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514. Oh.
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515. Schlupi?
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516. Yes, Schlupi.
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517. I think it's about time
he weighed in on all this.
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518. I guess I was a little
disappointed
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519. when Rutger wouldn't come.
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520. And then
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521. when the letters came,
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522. it was so painful.
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523. I couldn't bear it.
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524. I love him so
much, Francis.
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525. And I swore that I would never
do that to my son,
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526. and now look!
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527. Rutger is such a wonderful boy.
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528. He's so sensitive.
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529. He's-he's so bright...
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530. I'm going
to get Schlupi a phone.
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531. I'll tell you one thing.
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532. 20 years ago, I would
have cleared that fence.
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533. And the open manhole.
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534. Oh, God.
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535. How could I have been so wrong
about Reese?
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536. Hal, just say it again, please.
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537. I really need
to hear it.
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538. Okay, okay.
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539. Reese...
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540. is hopeless.
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541. Thank you.
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542. Ah, sorry.
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543. Hello?
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544. Mom?Francis?
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545. Listen, I've been doing
some thinking,
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546. and I just wanted to tell you
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547. that even though
we haven't always gotten along,
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548. I guess you thought
you were doing
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549. what was best for me, and...
well, I appreciate it.
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550. Wow.
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551. Francis, what brought this on?
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552. I don't know.
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553. I guess
I just had a breakthrough.
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554. Anyway, I wanted to tell you
about this thing
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555. that happened in junior high...
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