Malcolm in the Middle 4x14

Directed by Jeff Melman

Brittany Finamore as Alison • Beth Grant as Dorene Hooper • Brendan Walsh as Weaver • Kyle Sullivan as Dabney Hooper • Joel Murray as Larry

Malcolm tries to emancipate Dabney from his overbearing mother while Hal invites his ne'er-do-well old buddy to the house. At the ranch, Francis is forced to share a room with Otto.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Boys... you see what I have?

2. This is a movie I asked you to return three weeks ago.

3. What if we want to watch it again?

4. I found it in the dishwasher.

5. 21 days times $2.99 a day, that's...

6. $62.79. What?

7. What is it going to take for you boys

8. to learn some responsibility?

9. You can't just go through life letting things slide?

10. Sooner or later, you are going to learn that...

11. Is it the tenth already?

12. Mom's been at her sister's for a month,

13. resting while she's pregnant.

14. Things were kind of chaotic for a while,

15. but we've settled into a pretty nice rhythm.

16. Can I use a glass?

17. No. Nothing that requires washing.

18. Okay, let's clear the table.

19. Oh, I talked to your mother last night.

20. She misses you all very much, and she'll be home soon.

21. How soon?

22. A few weeks.

23. Oh, and Reese, she wanted you

24. to sweep the leaves off the garage roof

25. when you get home from school today.

26. What? But today is the one day

27. that Alison's parents aren't home.

28. To interfere with our homework.

29. Reese, your mother... This isn't fair!

30. Mom can't control us when she's not even here!

31. Nobody is being controlled by your mother.

32. For instance, I'm inviting an old friend over tonight,

33. and even though we're never going to tell

34. your mother about it, it doesn't mean we're being controlled.

35. To repeat: Your mother is never to hear about this.

36. And you boys are just going to love Larry.

37. We were inseparable in high school.

38. But seriously, your mother cannot find out

39. he was in this house.

40. Dad, you're hurting me. Oh.

41. Sorry, sweetheart.

42. Malcolm... Stevie!

43. Hi, Mrs. Hooper.

44. Do either of you hooligans

45. know where my son, Dabney, is?

46. I don't know. He was excused from gym.

47. What is a nervous eyelid anyway?

48. It's an allergic reaction to either gluten, whey or air.

49. I suppose you boys are coming

50. to Dabney's birthday party tonight. Yeah.

51. Sure. Just a little reminder:

52. I don't want either of you

53. showing up with any punk hairdos or racy outfits.

54. What are you doing on the pavement, huh?

55. I told you to walk on the grass.

56. There's another guy

57. who doesn't let me walk on the grass.

58. Fine, you like the pavement so much, kiss it.

59. Oh, my God... Dabney!

60. You come away from there!

61. Did you make

62. eye contact with that big boy?

63. When you're in danger,

64. you tuck and cower.

65. I was cowering; he wouldn't let me tuck.

66. Ow!

67. Ow!

68. Not it.

69. Hello?

70. Hello. This is a recorded greeting

71. from the Malgacore Financial...

72. Hi, Mom. We're fine.

73. Okay, I'll ask him.

74. Mom wants to know if you swept the leaves

75. off the garage. I'm doing it now.

76. So Piama called— she and Gretchen got to Tucson okay.

77. Tucson... the city that never sleeps.

78. They think they're going to have so much fun

79. but we will show them, eh?

80. Just us guys.

81. Where do you want your things, Otto?

82. Just put them in Francis' room.

83. What?

84. Oh, and Gretchen left this for you. Wh...?

85. Hold on. Why is he bringing your things to my room?

86. Because I'm staying with you this weekend.

87. I have not slept alone in a bed for 35 years.

88. You're planning on sleeping in my bed? With me?

89. It would be presumptuous of me to ask a guest.

90. "Don't forget to sweep the leaves

91. "off my roof 'cause I'm a mean old lady.

92. "Who cares if it's wet and slippery?

93. "The roof has to be cleaned

94. 'cause I'm stupid."

95. Not it.

96. Hello?

97. Oh, hi, Mom.

98. I wasn't talking about her.

99. What do you mean "Mom"?

100. It's me, Francis. Did you page me?

101. Yeah, Reese is right here.

102. I'll tell him, Mom,

103. but does he really have to stay up all night?

104. Can't he fix

105. my bike tomorrow?

106. Well, you're right.

107. Saturday morning is the best time for riding.

108. Okay.

109. Now I get it.

110. Just go easy on him.

111. You're a lot smarter than he is.

112. I've got to go.

113. Whoo!

114. Whoo!

115. This floor is so cold.

116. Get me under those warm blankets.

117. Aah...!

118. Aah.

119. Aah...

120. This is sort of weird.

121. I haven't had a sleep-over since I was in the third grade.

122. I was at Jeffery Feldman's house and his mom, uh...

123. Otto, what the hell are you doing?

124. I know, I am a notorious blanket hog.

125. Mmm.

126. Otto! Ooh. Sorry.

127. Popsicle toes.

128. Push! Push!

129. Look! I'm starting to crown!

130. Get this horrible thing out of me!

131. Can he open presents now? Yeah, can I?

132. Oh, okay, but go slow.

133. We don't want to end up covered in paper cuts, do we?

134. Boy, this is such a great party.

135. It's twice the turnout we had

136. last year.

137. Can I open Grandpa's present

138. first, Mom?

139. Well, we might as well get that out of the way.

140. Whoa.

141. The XJ... 7000!

142. Cool!

143. What is it?

144. It's a paintball gun.

145. It's, like, the best one you can buy.

146. I'll take that.

147. But, Mom! When will your thoughtless grandfather learn?

148. These gifts do nothing

149. but overstimulate you.

150. And when the so-called fun ends,

151. you're left all red and giggly and up until 9:00.

152. Well, not this time.

153. Give it to Mommy.

154. That's okay.

155. I wouldn't know how to paint with it anyway.

156. Why don't you open one of my gifts?

157. A new hairbrush.

158. Thanks, Mom.

159. Want to give it a try?

160. Sure.

161. Count down from a hundred.

162. You boys can help.

163. One hundred...

164. 99...

165. 98...

166. 97...

167. Oh, ha, ha!

168. Here he is!

169. Hey, you big jackass!

170. It was just Mrs. Haggerty turning around in our driveway.

171. So how come Mom won't let you hang out with this Larry guy?

172. Oh, she thinks he's a bad influence.

173. You know Mom, she's always

174. blowing things out of proportion.

175. Just like at our wedding.

176. Okay, he missed the ceremony,

177. but he did show up with these two totally hot...

178. Well, that's a bad example.

179. Oh, there was this time in New Orleans when we...

180. No, that's no good either.

181. Oh! Here's on.

182. Our families went to the same church...

183. Oh... well, you know your mother.

184. She just makes stuff up.

185. He's here!

186. Dewey!

187. Hoo!

188. Oh, ho!

189. Pass complete! Larry!

190. Hal!

191. Man, you look like crap.

192. You, too, buddy. Come on in.

193. Boys, I'd like you to meet Larry Ross.

194. These are my boys. This is Reese

195. and Dewey. Malcolm is at

196. a birthday party.

197. So, you got custody, huh?

198. Good for you.

199. Little word to the wise, I heard, uh,

200. you should talk nice about the ex, even if she is...

201. No, no, no, no, no, I'm still married to Lois.

202. Oh, really?

203. Oh, yeah.

204. Well, that's-that's great, man.

205. That's-that's just great.

206. You know, there's a little bar down the way that...

207. No, no, she's out of town for a while.

208. Sweet! First beer, 7:04.

209. One of you kids ought to write that down.

210. Isn't he great?

211. This is kind of a landmark night for me.

212. My first psychological trauma not caused by my mother.

213. But I guess I do owe Otto for everything he's done for me.

214. I mean, he and Gretchen have just been amazing.

215. Gretchen...

216. I wonder what was in that note?

217. Whoa, whoa, whoa...

218. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

219. They had to take that tractor apart piece by piece

220. to get it out of the teacher's lounge.

221. But you never gave me up, man.

222. What happened?

223. I mean, look at me.

224. Middle-aged, lousy job.

225. Dumpy little house that can't hold the kids I have

226. and another one on the way.

227. Don't get down on yourself, man.

228. The only reason you're a failure

229. is because society hates free spirits like you and me.

230. It's the price we pay

231. for being in the vanguard.

232. You remember the way Dawkins

233. screwed us over?

234. Who? Dawkins.

235. Our boss back at Carmello's.

236. You remember senior year, Labor Day weekend?

237. The kitchen flooded.

238. We spent the whole weekend cleaning it up,

239. and then he stiffed us out of 200 bucks.

240. Wait! Yeah!

241. Unbelievable.

242. 200 bucks. I mean, you take that,

243. plus the interest over all these years,

244. we're rolling in it.

245. Boy, if I had that money right now,

246. I could afford to build a nursery.

247. Thanks a lot, Dawkins.

248. You want a nursery, Hal?

249. We could do it.

250. Yeah, I got a contractor's license.

251. We could add on to your bedroom here no problem at all.

252. What? You knock out this wall,

253. you extend out a little bit.

254. We could do the whole thing for cost.

255. We'll make do.

256. You're not being fair to the baby, Hal.

257. I know, but... Come on. Eye of the tiger!

258. We create our own futures.

259. Well, you know, you-you... you do what you can.

260. I mean, we'll be okay as long as we...

261. Oh, my God!

262. Now you're committed.

263. Let's get to work.

264. Larry, I don't believe you!

265. I invited you over for a couple of beers,

266. and you punch a hole in my wall?

267. This is exactly why

268. I haven't seen you in all these...!

269. That little bat did all that?

270. This is great.

271. Wait till Lois sees this.

272. Dad? I don't know what he did last night,

273. but there's no hot water,

274. and the toilet's full of sawdust.

275. Dewey, if Dad wakes up by dinner,

276. tell him I'm at Dabney's. Okay.

277. Good afternoon. The current time is...

278. Yeah, Mom. My bed's going in the sunny spot.

279. Reese's bed is going in the closet like you wanted.

280. This is ridiculous.

281. We're never going to make that movie.

282. I'm moving as fast as I can, okay?

283. He's doing a really good job, Mom.

284. You may want to give him a break.

285. Thanks, Dewey. You're a good brother.

286. She said no.

287. Don't you think it's

288. a little strange that your mom keeps calling

289. just so you can do Dewey's homework

290. and-and fix Dewey's bike, and move

291. Dewey's furniture around?

292. What are you trying to say?

293. It's obvious, isn't it?

294. She wants you to do stuff for Dewey.

295. Hey, if you want to talk to her about it...

296. As a matter of fact, I do.

297. Hello?

298. Yes, good afternoon to you, too.

299. Well, thank you,

300. but I really don't need to know what time it is.

301. Wait, listen to me.

302. Listen to me!

303. Forget it, there's no talking to her.

304. Good-bye.

305. Okay, good afternoon.

306. God, she's polite and rude at the same time.

307. Ow! Careful!

308. Hold still, Mom.

309. This is a tough area for us.

310. Dabney, you get that. I'm going to go hop in the shower.

311. If that's the Thompsons, tell them to move their car,

312. then they'll get their cat back.

313. Hi, Malcolm. Where's your mom?

314. In the shower. Good. Then I won't have

315. to put the laxative in her tea.

316. We have to meet Stevie at paintball in an hour.

317. Malcolm, I can't go— Mom and I

318. are going to put on our pajamas and watch videos.

319. Dabney, your grandfather got you this amazing gun,

320. and you have to use it.

321. Look, Malcolm, I know you think I'm a mama's boy...

322. No. Mama's boys are laughing at you with their mothers.

323. Come on, I saw the look in your eye

324. when you opened it.

325. Admit it. You're dying to do this.

326. You just have to break free from your mom.

327. Malcolm, you don't understand.

328. In exactly 17 minutes, she's going to open that shower door

329. and expect to see me there with a warm, cozy towel.

330. All right, let's go.

331. Oh, my God!

332. Damn it, Larry!

333. Okay, think, think.

334. How can I blame this on the boys?

335. Good morning, princess.

336. Larry!

337. What have we done?

338. I've actually made my crappy house even crappier.

339. Yeah, we got a hell of a lot of work to do.

340. You're damn right we do!

341. First things first— we're going to pay

342. a little visit on our old friend Dawkins.

343. What? Did a little research last night.

344. Turns out he lives in a place called Carlson Estates.

345. Estates, man! Can you believe that?

346. He's living a life of luxury.

347. You... you don't even have a wall.

348. We're going to get this guy.

349. Larry, we-we have to fix this. This?

350. This is nothing. Two days, tops.

351. You lay your foundation here, zam!

352. Little electrical, zing, zing!

353. Put in a bay window, vrunt! You're done.

354. Now, let's go get Dawkins.

355. Okay.

356. Someone was out of bed bright and early this morning.

357. Yeah, Gretchen left me a note.

358. Can't seem to find it anywhere.

359. I think it may have been

360. about your violent night terrors.

361. What are you talking about?

362. I don't speak terrified German,

363. but you must have been having some pretty horrific dreams.

364. That's ridiculous. I never dream. What?

365. I never dream— I go to sleep;

366. eight hours later, I wake up with a slight sore throat

367. just like everybody else.

368. You screamed for hours.

369. I think it was you that had the bad dream,

370. but don't worry, I know just what to do.

371. I will give you a nice, oily massage before bedtime,

372. you will sleep like a baby.

373. This is going to be sweet.

374. Now, once we jump the inner fence,

375. I'll take care of the dogs, you take out the cameras.

376. He lives in a trailer park.

377. Yeah, an awesome trailer park.

378. I mean, look at that double-wide.

379. You don't got a trailer like that.

380. All right, commando mode.

381. All right, you scale the side of the trailer.

382. See if you can get in up there where the paint's peeling.

383. Okay. All right, move.

384. What's going on out there?

385. Larry?

386. Hal?

387. Mr. Dawkins? Is that you?

388. What a pleasant surprise.

389. Come on in.

390. I just put some tea on.

391. Stevie, cover me!

392. I'm so glad I dragged Dabney here.

393. This is exactly the kind of thing he needs.

394. Aren't I dead by now?

395. In the game, you are.

396. Dabney, just fire back!

397. Don't fire back. And don't move.

398. We're going to go get more ammo.

399. Get... up!

400. You have to shoot.

401. You have to do this. Mom was right.

402. I could be home watching Dark Victory right now.

403. You have to fight back! Just pull the trigger!

404. But there could be adverse consequences.

405. That is your mother talking!

406. Just shoot it!

407. If you want to be any kind of man, shoot it now.

408. Haul ass!

409. Brush your own damn hair!

410. Get your own damn towel!

411. 100! 99!

412. 98! 97!

413. Aaah!

414. I call... Dabney's team.

415. The tea is great.

416. I wish I had more

417. to offer you, but the Meals on Wheels van

418. only comes around twice a week now.

419. No, this is fine.

420. You've been so... nice.

421. Can I ask you something?

422. See, Larry and I were talking

423. about old times at the restaurant,

424. and a certain Labor Day weekend came up.

425. Oh, you mean the time you boys flooded the kitchen.

426. Huh?

427. You two were doing chin-ups

428. on the water pipe.

429. Oh... yeah!

430. We busted it!

431. Larry, I think he's right.

432. Mr. Slocumb didn't want me

433. to give you your paychecks,

434. but I snuck them to your dads.

435. I almost got fired for that, but what's right is right.

436. Well, that was illuminating.

437. We now know the face of all evil

438. is a feeble old man in a trailer park

439. who whittles bird feeders.

440. Well, I hope we've both learned something here.

441. Oh, yeah.

442. What the hell is wrong with you?

443. Eye of the tiger, Hal.

444. Larry? Hal? Are you boys all right?

445. Yeah, Mom, he just finished digging

446. that underground fort you wanted.

447. I think you're going to have

448. a lot of fun in it. Give me that.

449. Honey, don't say anything. Just listen.

450. You were right. You're always right.

451. From now on, I will do whatever you say,

452. because I have been happier just mindlessly obeying you

453. than doing what I think I want

454. with any of my so-called friends.

455. I love you.

456. I miss you.

457. Here's Dewey.

458. Really, Mom?

459. You want me to cut Reese's hair?

460. But he loves his hair.

461. Okay.

462. This is so unfair.

463. Just get it over with.

464. Mohawks are kind of out, Mom.

465. What if I...

466. Do you hear a strange ringing, Mom?

467. You are so dead!

468. And the last thing I remember

469. is him shoving paint balls up my nose.

470. Good. Then let's just say that's where he stopped.

471. Where's my boy? What have you done

472. with my poor, delicate boy?

473. Oh, my God!

474. This is your fault, you evil little Svengali!

475. I knew I shouldn't let Dabney have any friends!

476. Now, Dabney, where... Get the car.

477. We're going home.

478. Dabney, you've never spoken to me like this before.

479. Well, get used to it.

480. I'm not your little boy anymore, Mom.

481. I'm your little man.

482. Oh, my.

483. Oh...

484. Oh, Dabney. Oh!

485. "Dear Francis, to stop Otto's night terrors,

486. "just caress his Ohrlappchen.

487. Gretchen."

488. His Ohrlappchen?

489. Please, please, please, please, please.

490. Ah...

491. Thank you.