Malcolm in the Middle 3x9

1. Where did you come from, flubba?

2. Hello, Hal.

3. Once again, I have to be embarrassed for the both of us.

4. Yup.

5. You go straight to your job after school today.

6. I don't want you to be late

7. for your first day of work, and no excuses.

8. I don't want to hear a lion escaped from the zoo.

9. Or the bus driver went insane and refused to stop.

10. Francis' friend, Richie, gave Reese

11. a job at the Circus Burger.

12. It's perfect.

13. Reese gets to be bossed around all day

14. by the only guy on the entire planet

15. that's dumber than he is.

16. This job is stupid.

17. Well, you do get to wear a paper hat.

18. Reese, you want to drive when you get your license,

19. you're going to pay for your own insurance.

20. Yeah, but if everyone else has insurance, then why do I need it?

21. They've got it covered.

22. Son, it's not as simple as that.

23. You see...

24. Good morning, everybody.

25. Say good morning, Charlie.

26. Show everyone how alive you are.

27. My parents made a deal with Dewey.

28. If he keeps his goldfish alive for two months,

29. he gets a dog.

30. Aren't I doing a good job?

31. You sure are.

32. How is that fish still alive?

33. I don't know.

34. He never feeds it.

35. He leaves it out in the sun for hours.

36. Last week, there was an old banana peel in there.

37. I do not want a dog in this house.

38. Well, as long as this fish is alive

39. there's nothing we can do about it.

40. Hal, I expect you to take care of this.

41. What are you suggesting?

42. I'm not suggesting anything.

43. I just want it taken care of.

44. Class, today we begin a new round

45. of independent study projects.

46. Hydrostatic Equilibrium.

47. My God, I'm still mired in path integral quantization.

48. My stepdad's right, I'm useless.

49. Well, the cold hard fact of life is

50. some are more advanced than others.

51. Some even think they are more advanced than me.

52. I never said that.

53. And yet you assume I'm talking about you.

54. You're looking right at me.

55. I'm sure you're all convinced

56. that by virtue of your being in this class

57. your intellects tower above those of the tiny-minded

58. plebeians wasting oxygen in the rest of the school.

59. But to some, you are nothing more than howling primates.

60. I am very excited to announce today

61. that we are welcoming to our class a new student.

62. A young man of unparalleled intellect.

63. As near as we can measure, his IQ is over 280.

64. (gasps) Those tests are culturally biased.

65. Think what you will.

66. Your petty fears no longer concern me.

67. I finally have the mental clay

68. worthy of my sculpting.

69. Barton is a white-hot comet of brilliance

70. blazing through our dark little corner of ignorance.

71. A mind of such unfathomable reach and enormous power.

72. Can I come in now?

73. Barton, I thought I told you to wait until you heard

74. "a new era for man."

75. But there's a bee out there.

76. So, assistant manager.

77. How'd that happen?

78. INS raid cleaned us out.

79. So, from 12:00 to 5:00, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday

80. this is my domain.

81. I'm proof you don't really need to graduate

82. from high school.

83. That's just propaganda

84. from those money-grubbing diploma companies.

85. Sean, Doug, this is Reese.

86. Hey. Hey, what's up?

87. Hey. Hey.

88. Okay, press cow for burger,

89. potato for fries,

90. and I'm not sure what this is.

91. Does that look like a pig or a dog to you?

92. Wouldn't it be easier to put words on the keys?

93. Ah, a man of letters.

94. A word to the wise—

95. I wouldn't throw that in anyone's face.

96. (cash register rings) Once you got your total,

97. you put the money in the drawer.

98. Except if you're making a pocket transaction.

99. What's that? It's kind of a morale builder.

100. Once in a while, you take five or ten bucks.

101. But you don't ring it up,

102. you put it in your pocket instead.

103. You don't have a problem with that, do you?

104. Oh, no, that's cool.

105. See, Reese?

106. You've entered the working world.

107. The world of adult responsibility.

108. I have the key to her locker.

109. You want to smell her jacket later,

110. just let me know.

111. Hey, they found the last piece of that guy.

112. Oh, man.

113. Come on, guys, we talked about this.

114. If we're going share a roll of toilet paper,

115. can we at least keep it on the spindle?

116. As long as you're bringing this kind of stuff up,

117. I got a fiancée coming Thursday.

118. Fiancée? What are you talking about?

119. I'm engaged.

120. There comes a time when a man gets tired of playing the field.

121. What field?

122. You don't even know any women.

123. That occurred to me, too.

124. That's why I ordered one from Russia.

125. A mail-order bride?

126. That actually exists?

127. Sure. In some of the more irradiated parts

128. of the former Soviet Union,

129. there are a lot of marriage-minded women.

130. That's my darling, Svetlana.

131. Wait a second.

132. Yup.

133. Svetlana.

134. How come you're driving us to school?

135. Because that's what mamas do sometimes.

136. How'd you do on the test?

137. Okay...

138. you know your Tolstoy, and your Elliot.

139. Let's see how you do with the Bard.

140. "Every true man's apparel fits your thief."

141. Measure for Measure, Act Four, Scene Two,

142. Abhorson's speech to Pompey.

143. Could you hand me my green crayon?

144. Wow, he's right again.

145. Okay, Barton, let's try Chaucer's The Shipman's Tale.

146. Should I start with the prologue?

147. Please.

148. How about line 203?

149. "'And when your husband has gone off to Flanders,

150. "I shall deliver you from fear of slanders.'

151. "And on the word, he caught her by the flanks

152. "and clasped her closely, giving her a riot of kisses

153. saying softly, 'Keep things quiet.'"

154. What are you doing?

155. Chaucer?

156. I can not believe you are polluting his mind

157. with such pop culture drivel.

158. I apologize for them, Barton.

159. And I will do everything I can to minimize these

160. annoying distractions, so that you can concentrate

161. on the accelerated program I've laid out for you.

162. Together, we are going to astonish the world.

163. Would you like a Pixy Stix?

164. Thank you.

165. Having problems, Malcolm?

166. No, no, not you.

167. It's this stupid hydrostatic equilibrium.

168. It just doesn't make any sense.

169. Well, it is awfully difficult.

170. But don't despair.

171. I am here for you, Malcolm

172. and I'll make sure

173. that you get the help that you deserve.

174. To estimate the pressure at the center of the sun,

175. just assume a constant density of 1.41 grams

176. per cubic centimeter.

177. Am I going too fast for you?

178. You know, Herkabe only made you my tutor to humiliate me.

179. I thought it was to humiliate me.

180. I don't understand why this is so hard.

181. Don't give up.

182. Remember the Little Engine That Could?

183. You're not listening!

184. I get everything.

185. In my entire life,

186. there is nothing I haven't been able to master.

187. I took algebra in sixth grade.

188. I taught my dad how to rebuild

189. his transmission when I was five.

190. I was reading before I could walk.

191. I remember my own birth.

192. What?

193. Do you know your heart stops

194. during your mother's contractions?

195. You seriously remember that?

196. The worst was the diaper-changing.

197. That was the most degrading week of my life.

198. So, what's it like in there?

199. What do you mean?

200. Well, your brain?

201. I mean, for me, it's like when I'm thinking really hard,

202. my brain starts making all these connections

203. and those connections make other connections

204. and everything starts moving really fast

205. and it feels like a bomb's going off.

206. Is your brain like that?

207. It's more like a beehive

208. and every bee has a brain like yours.

209. Okay, ready!

210. That is so cool!

211. I wish you had a gun

212. so we could really test this thing out.

213. Excuse me, could I get some help here?

214. Hey, Craig.

215. So, I overheard your mom talking on the phone

216. and it's true:

217. you've got a job.

218. I applied here, once.

219. Didn't get it.

220. It's all politics.

221. I guess. So, what do you want?

222. I want you to listen very carefully.

223. My blood sugar is dangerously low

224. so I don't want to burn up any calories repeating myself.

225. I want the Jumbo Clown Burger with the Big-top Fries,

226. no pickles, a slice of onion, make sure it's center-cut

227. and extra tomatoes.

228. And let's do the patty

229. well on one side and medium on the other.

230. And make sure they open a fresh package for my bun.

231. If it's stale, I bail.

232. Seriously.

233. Your total's $5.45

234. and you get free refills on the soda.

235. I've heard that one before.

236. Turns out, it's just for today.

237. What a sack.

238. That's a pocket transaction

239. if I ever saw one.

240. Oh.

241. Yeah.

242. Right.

243. Artie, you put together one hell of a bachelor party.

244. I'm much obliged to you.

245. Oh, I'm just sorry the nearest stripper is 300 miles away.

246. Hey, how's she doing, anyway?

247. She took her top off.

248. Oh, yeah!

249. All right, all right, hey, listen up.

250. I'd like to say a few words about my bunkmate, Pete, here

251. on account of his upcoming nuptials.

252. Many's the time when I've been feeling low

253. and I always knew I could turn to Pete.

254. He'd be lying there on his bunk,

255. trimming his beard with a lighter

256. and I'd think, "Hell, I'm better than that."

257. To Pete, and his lucky lady.

258. To Pete.

259. Yeah!

260. What's going on with you?

261. I just don't get what we're celebrating.

262. I mean, it just seems wrong.

263. It's Pete's life; if he wants to marry

264. a total stranger, that's his business.

265. Well, what about this woman, is anyone thinking about her?

266. Right now, I'm trying to keep a topless stripper in my head.

267. I don't have room for much else.

268. Think about it for a second.

269. She's blindly committing to spend the rest of her life

270. in this godforsaken place with Pete as her husband.

271. I mean, what kind of a poor creature

272. would actually go through with this?

273. Maybe her life's pretty awful.

274. Worse than this?

275. What? Does she live in a slaughterhouse?

276. Is she dragged to work by horses every day?

277. She couldn't possibly know what she's getting into.

278. You're exaggerating, man.

279. We don't know.

280. It might work out fine.

281. Dudes, how's business?

282. Where were you?

283. I was supposed to be home for dinner

284. but you're the only one who can cash me out.

285. Hey, I'd stay on my good side if I was you.

286. One of these days, somebody's going to have to clean out

287. those bathrooms.

288. Whoa, dude, this is way uncool.

289. Reese, man, you can't take this much money.

290. What are you talking about?

291. Your cash drawer, man.

292. It's over 400 bucks short.

293. Look. The whole point is

294. to take five or ten bucks, and that's it.

295. You got to put the 400 back.

296. I didn't take it, honest.

297. Dude, it's your register.

298. Did he give his register key to anyone today?

299. No. Uh-uh.

300. I didn't take it.

301. I didn't take any.

302. I never even did one of those stupid pocket transactions.

303. What are you talking about? I saw you yesterday.

304. No, I wanted it to look like I was taking it, but I didn't really.

305. When you guys weren't looking,

306. I put the money back.

307. You guys didn't see it, because I was... being sneaky and stuff.

308. Nice, Reese.

309. Way to screw it up for everybody.

310. I didn't take it.

311. Look, man, if you think I'm covering for you, you're crazy.

312. When the owner comes back tomorrow morning

313. and checks the books, that money better be here

314. or you're going down. (register shuts)

315. Oh, dude.

316. All right.

317. To change from apparent to absolute magnitude in all spectra,

318. the formula is "A over B, times K over D."

319. That's if K is...

320. How do they expect you to learn all these formulas?

321. Use a mnemonic device.

322. Like, "Anefru, Babbashar, Kalhla, Dastra..."

323. Babylonian kings, Third Dynasty.

324. Stop complaining.

325. I have homework, too.

326. Oh, it's a butterfly.

327. Malcolm, you got to help me.

328. What's going on?

329. It's horrible.

330. There was $400 missing from the register

331. at the end of my shift, and they think I took it.

332. Well, did you?

333. No. Of course not.

334. I'm Barton. Who's this dork?

335. He's my tutor. You're kidding me.

336. The one time I need you to be a genius,

337. I find out you're faking the whole smart thing?

338. Reese, calm down.

339. How did this happen?

340. I don't know. My register didn't

341. total up right at the end of the shift.

342. Who was there?

343. Me, Sean, Greta, Richie.

344. Richie? Why didn't you say so in the first place?

345. What do you mean? It's Richie, he's setting you up.

346. How do you know? Because it's Richie.

347. Come on.

348. Barton, you want to go learn something about the real world?

349. Not really. Too bad. You're coming.

350. (Barton grunting, thuds) Dewey, you have to cover for us.

351. Make sure it sounds like we're all still here.

352. Got it.

353. Ow...

354. Stop it!

355. You shut up.

356. Stupid creeps...

357. Ow... stop it...

358. (whispers): Did you get it?

359. Yes, I got it.

360. The pet store owner told me it was already dead.

361. But I suspect the worst.

362. We'll switch the fish tonight when Dewey's sleeping.

363. I don't know, Lois.

364. It seems so sneaky and underhanded.

365. What kind of example are we setting for the boys?

366. Oh, Hal, stop worrying.

367. The boys are fine.

368. Hey, dude, did you get the money?

369. Yeah, you'd like another 400, wouldn't you?

370. What are you talking about?

371. Wow, an entire colony of Cryphonectria parasitica.

372. Hey, get your own pizza, Dewey.

373. His name's not Dewey.

374. So, how come you've had me call him Dewey all these years?

375. Look, we know you took the money

376. and you're just trying to pin it on Reese.

377. After everything my brother's done for you.

378. All the alibis, all the handouts,

379. all the times he's helped you fake your death.

380. Whoa, dudes, I wasn't even there today.

381. The only time I came in was to cash out.

382. You were right there.

383. Yeah, but I had a ten-minute break at 4:30.

384. You could've snuck in then and taken the money.

385. Well, yeah, but...

386. You want to play innocent?

387. Fine, we'll just let the police decide.

388. Whoa, police.

389. What makes you think the cops are going to take your side?

390. Maybe 'cause you've already been arrested

391. like ten times for petty theft.

392. Excuse me, one of those was for arson.

393. I'm telling you, you're making a big mistake.

394. No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

395. No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

396. He didn't do it.

397. According to this citation,

398. Richie was stopped at 4:20 today at 18th and Wilson

399. for urinating from a moving vehicle.

400. So? So, the Circus Burger is

401. on Walnut, which is at least 25 miles away.

402. He couldn't have gotten there during Reese's break.

403. Well, maybe if the traffic was light...

404. Yeah, and maybe if a '78 Bonneville could go

405. 300 miles an hour.

406. Otherwise, it's impossible.

407. Hey, hey, way to go, Dewey!

408. Let me see that.

409. Is he right?

410. Yes.

411. He's always right.

412. Sorry, Richie.

413. Come on, Reese, let's go.

414. But I swear to God, I didn't do it.

415. I didn't take the money.

416. Well, look, we still have a few hours.

417. Maybe we can figure out...

418. Richie, I got us the DVD player

419. but we need to steal another $600

420. if you want the surround...

421. sound.

422. You may want to hang on to that receipt.

423. I can't believe you lied.

424. We're calling the cops.

425. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

426. Maybe we can figure out some sort of deal.

427. Whatever you guys want, it's yours.

428. We get to use your place for a party anytime we want.

429. Yeah, and we get free burgers for life.

430. And I get to make out with your girlfriend.

431. Forget it.

432. All right, the beanbag chair.

433. Wow, Pete, is that really you?

434. No, it's a reflection.

435. Here, you can give these to Svetlana.

436. Eric and Artie should be back any minute

437. from Mamu with your bride.

438. I got to be honest.

439. I'm a little... I'm a little nervous.

440. Well, you are about to marry a total stranger.

441. Have you really thought about what you're doing?

442. Oh, I've been thinking about settling down

443. for a long, long time.

444. Yeah, but you don't know anything about her.

445. I mean, what if she thinks you're...

446. What if she doesn't like you?

447. Well, I'd be sad, but I'd reassure her

448. that I'd support her anyway, because I made that commitment.

449. Then I guess I'd spend

450. the rest of my life being sweet to her

451. in the hopes of changing her mind.

452. Well, good luck, Pete.

453. Thanks.

454. Svetlana's here.

455. And she is gorgeous.

456. Oh!

457. I must have...

458. misread the catalog.

459. Just look how light on her feet she is.

460. Hey, baby. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

461. Hey, guys...

462. Oh, hey, Pete...

463. Just get that thing out of here.

464. I'll take care of it.

465. I got it.

466. Why you?

467. Because I signed for it.

468. Who cares if you signed for it? Wait a minute. Come here.

469. Oh, there's our ride.

470. So nice of Richie to drive you to school.

471. Yeah, well, that's just his way

472. of saying, "Thanks for a job well done."

473. Good morning, everybody.

474. Now, son, don't be disappointed.

475. Say good morning, Charlie.

476. Show everyone how alive you are.

477. Aren't I doing a good job?

478. Yeah, yeah, great.

479. That little monster.

480. He's been buying his own fish and switching them.

481. God only knows how many he's gone through.

482. He's going to pay for this.

483. Well, how?

484. If we bust him, he'll know we've been cheating, too.

485. Dewey,

486. your father and I are so proud

487. of the way you've taken care of that fish.

488. Yes, we are.

489. You certainly proved to us that you can be trusted.

490. It's so nice to have a boy

491. who's so conscientious, responsible

492. and honest, and who always finds a way

493. to do the right thing.

494. Before we go any further,

495. is there anything you want to tell me?

496. I want a beagle.

497. Well, you're not going to get it, you little sneak!

498. We know that you've been switching fish on us

499. because I put a dead fish in there last night.

500. That's cheating!

501. You're cheaters!

502. (door slams shut) Well, not exactly textbook

503. but at least we're not getting a dog.

504. I cleaned out my cubby.

505. You're sure I can't talk you into staying?

506. My mom says I need a healthier environment.

507. She thinks it's creepy the way you're using me

508. for your own self-aggrandizement.

509. A healthier environment?

510. That is not what you need.

511. Son, you will never connect normally

512. with another human being.

513. People will recognize your brilliance

514. and they will loathe you for it.

515. The best you can hope for is uncomprehending fear...

516. (whispers): which I can channel into great things.

517. Please?

518. Can I go now?

519. Sure.

520. Go.

521. You, my ex-wife...

522. all of my therapists, you're all the same.

523. Bye, guys.

524. Bye, Barton.

525. Good luck at NASA.

526. Send us a letter

527. when you get declassified.

528. Mr. Herkabe, we know this is hard for you, so...

529. It's his dad.

530. We Photoshopped your head in.