1. Reese's had the remote
for four hours.
Copy !req
2. That's four hours of mindless
crap in five-second increments.
Copy !req
3. You go to the bathroom,
you lose the remote.
Copy !req
4. Fine.
Copy !req
5. I can wait.
Copy !req
6. I don't know.
Copy !req
7. You drank a lot of soda...
it must really be pushing
Copy !req
8. up against
the walls of your bladder.
Copy !req
9. Not going to work.
Copy !req
10. And then, I had four glasses
of Dad's iced tea.
Copy !req
11. He just kept pouring...
and pouring...
Copy !req
12. Not going to work.
Copy !req
13. The equivalent of three
semi trailers of water
Copy !req
14. pour over the falls
every second.
Copy !req
15. Not going to work.
Copy !req
16. Not... going to... work!
Copy !req
17. Turns out this is way better
than anything on TV.
Copy !req
18. All right.
Copy !req
19. Turn it.
Copy !req
20. Turn it. Turn it.
Copy !req
21. No! Too far. Go back.
Copy !req
22. Back, back, back, back
back, back, back...
Copy !req
23. Right there, there, there,
there. There.
Copy !req
24. Okay, just three
more inches clockwise.
Copy !req
25. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy.
Copy !req
26. Okay, back a couple degrees...
couple degrees
Copy !req
27. And keep 'er steady.
Copy !req
28. Steady... yeah!
Copy !req
29. There. Perfect.
Copy !req
30. Oh.
Copy !req
31. These needles here
are going against the grain.
Copy !req
32. That's all I'm going
to be able to look at.
Copy !req
33. Don't move.
Copy !req
34. Just spend a couple
of days with Grandma.
Copy !req
35. You can leave
right after Christmas.
Copy !req
36. I am not visiting that woman.
Copy !req
37. She's evil and she hates me.
Copy !req
38. Francis, this is family.
Copy !req
39. This is Grandma's first
Christmas since Grandpa died
Copy !req
40. and you live the closest.
Copy !req
41. How can you be so selfish?
Copy !req
42. Well, did you invite her
to yourhouse?
Copy !req
43. She knows she's always welcome.
Copy !req
44. Hey, maybe we'll both
get on a bus
Copy !req
45. and come down and surprise you.
Copy !req
46. Don't you threaten me.
Copy !req
47. I am ending this discussion.
Copy !req
48. You are going to Whitehorse.
Copy !req
49. You are going to the drugstore
Copy !req
50. to buy her a gift,
and you are both
Copy !req
51. going to have
a proper Christmas.
Copy !req
52. Aw, look
at the little baby!
Copy !req
53. I hate you!
Copy !req
54. Get this off of me,
you stupid son of a...
Copy !req
55. Boys!
Copy !req
56. Dewey asked us to do it.
Copy !req
57. What is wrong with you?
Copy !req
58. The tree is barely
Copy !req
59. in the door and already
you're starting.
Copy !req
60. I can't leave you alone
for even one second
Copy !req
61. without you trying
to kill each other.
Copy !req
62. This is supposed
to be a happy time!
Copy !req
63. I don't know what it is
Copy !req
64. but Mom freaks out about
something every Christmas.
Copy !req
65. Ho-ho-ho!
Copy !req
66. Drop and roll, honey.
Copy !req
67. Who did this?
Copy !req
68. For God's sakes,
drop and roll!
Copy !req
69. Maybe it's lack of sunlight
in the winter.
Copy !req
70. I heard that messes up
some people's brains.
Copy !req
71. Hi, Grandma.
Copy !req
72. For God's sakes,
it's colder in here.
Copy !req
73. Don't you turn
the heat on?
Copy !req
74. I'm not going
to pay those pirates.
Copy !req
75. Of course not.
Copy !req
76. Well, in the spirit
of the season,
Copy !req
77. let's begin this
pathetic charade.
Copy !req
78. I never know what
you're talking about.
Copy !req
79. You talk like a jackass.
Copy !req
80. You do this to torture me?
Copy !req
81. To hurt me?
Copy !req
82. You don't like
Christmas music?
Copy !req
83. It sounds like
a song they sang
Copy !req
84. when they would ride
through the villages
Copy !req
85. and throw the babies
into the fire.
Copy !req
86. They sang "Jingle Bells"?
Copy !req
87. They sang something.
Copy !req
88. Well, look at that— 8:00
already, way past my bedtime.
Copy !req
89. Where do I sleep?
Copy !req
90. You're sitting on it.
Copy !req
91. Does it turn into a bed?
Copy !req
92. Yes, it becomes a bed.
Copy !req
93. It's a special, magic sofa.
Copy !req
94. It opens up for
magic, lazy boy
Copy !req
95. and angels come
and feed you grapes
Copy !req
96. and sing to you
while you sleep
Copy !req
97. and it flies around the room
granting wishes
Copy !req
98. for boys
what are stupid.
Copy !req
99. All right! It doesn't fold out.
Copy !req
100. Can I look yet?
Copy !req
101. Just a minute.
Copy !req
102. Hey, this is supposed to be
to Dewey from both of us.
Copy !req
103. I picked it out.
Copy !req
104. I stepped in it.
Copy !req
105. Hey!
Copy !req
106. Hey...
Copy !req
107. Gotcha!
Copy !req
108. Uh, Mom.
Copy !req
109. How nice to see you home.
Copy !req
110. I have had it!
Copy !req
111. What are you doing?
Copy !req
112. I am taking everything.
Copy !req
113. Every present,
Copy !req
114. every decoration,
every treat.
Copy !req
115. I am locking it
in the garage.
Copy !req
116. Every single Christmas
you scream or burn
Copy !req
117. or break or destroy,
and I am putting a stop to it!
Copy !req
118. She's stealing Christmas!
Copy !req
119. Mom, you can't
do this!
Copy !req
120. Yeah, this is
the last year
Copy !req
121. Dewey will believe
in Santa Claus.
Copy !req
122. What?
Copy !req
123. If you boys behave
Copy !req
124. until Christmas morning
Copy !req
125. there will be
a Christmas morning.
Copy !req
126. Otherwise, these
are going back to the store
Copy !req
127. and Christmas will be canceled!
Copy !req
128. You wouldn't
cancel Christmas.
Copy !req
129. You're bluffing.
Copy !req
130. You canceled Christmas?
Copy !req
131. I'm not canceling Christmas.
Copy !req
132. I'm holding it hostage.
Copy !req
133. I know, it seems harsh,
Copy !req
134. but nothing else
has ever worked.
Copy !req
135. Every year, we yell
Copy !req
136. we threaten, we bargain, we beg.
Copy !req
137. Maybe this time
they'll behave.
Copy !req
138. We're in this together.
Copy !req
139. I'm playing the unity card.
Copy !req
140. But... The unity card, Hal.
Copy !req
141. But...
Copy !req
142. I love Christmas.
Copy !req
143. I know you do, dear.
Copy !req
144. Isn't there anything
that trumps the unity card?
Copy !req
145. Hal...
Copy !req
146. I really think we can
win this 'Nam thing.
Copy !req
147. Hey, that's not for you.
Copy !req
148. That's for the carolers.
Copy !req
149. You're ruining smoking for me.
Copy !req
150. You sound like you're dying.
Copy !req
151. You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Copy !req
152. You can't wait to get your hands
on my things.
Copy !req
153. Oh, yeah, Grandma, I got
big plans for these doilies
Copy !req
154. and I really want
that can of peaches
Copy !req
155. that's been on your shelf
for 30 years.
Copy !req
156. Don't touch my peaches.
Copy !req
157. Oh, like I'm
really going to touch...
Copy !req
158. Stop your racket!
Copy !req
159. Decent people are trying
to sleep!
Copy !req
160. You stupid music!
Copy !req
161. There is no figgy pudding
for you here!
Copy !req
162. Please pass
the syrup, please.
Copy !req
163. Thank you.
Copy !req
164. You are very welcome.
Copy !req
165. More coffee?Please.
Copy !req
166. I'll get it for you, Mom. That's okay.
Copy !req
167. Well, then, I hope you'll let us
wash the dishes.
Copy !req
168. We'd love to! Absolutely!
Copy !req
169. Now, that, I'll take you up on.
Copy !req
170. I think we can do this.
Copy !req
171. It's Christmas Eve,
and we've behaved for ten hours.
Copy !req
172. Okay, eight were sleep,
but still.
Copy !req
173. We can make it through
another 24, right?
Copy !req
174. Who wants the last waffle?
Copy !req
175. I do!
Copy !req
176. Oh, no!
Copy !req
177. You know, I would really
Copy !req
178. like that waffle.
Copy !req
179. Yes, but I am a growing boy.
Copy !req
180. Perhaps it would be best
if I had the waffle.
Copy !req
181. Thanks for
offering it to me, boys.
Copy !req
182. They are such good boys.
Copy !req
183. Ow!
Copy !req
184. God, what the hell is wrong
with you?
Copy !req
185. You like pushing me?
Copy !req
186. That's what happens when
you push, big, tough guy.
Copy !req
187. Can't you do the entire family
a favor and just die?
Copy !req
188. All you have ever done
is treat us like dirt!
Copy !req
189. You shouldn't even be
allowed to be a grandma.
Copy !req
190. Are you finished?
Copy !req
191. Yes, I am...
Copy !req
192. Oh, I am so sorry.
Copy !req
193. Oh...
Copy !req
194. I should have kissed your
boo-boos and made them better.
Copy !req
195. I was supposed to tell
Copy !req
196. the bad little boy stories
Copy !req
197. and bake you giant sugar cookies
Copy !req
198. and knit you nice,
fluffy sweaters.
Copy !req
199. I should have carried you
and held you
Copy !req
200. and told you how much
I loved your diapers.
Copy !req
201. Why don't you just unhinge
your jaw and finish me off?
Copy !req
202. After my Magnum, P.I.
Copy !req
203. Lois! I'm home!
Copy !req
204. Now, honey,
Copy !req
205. I know I'm not
supposed to do this
Copy !req
206. but I saw something
in the store today
Copy !req
207. and I had
to get it for you.
Copy !req
208. It's a little more than
Copy !req
209. we agreed we would
spend on each other
Copy !req
210. but I figured hey,
it's Christmas.
Copy !req
211. We have the whole rest of
the year to follow the rules.
Copy !req
212. It's beautiful.
Copy !req
213. I mean, isn't that what
this season is all about?
Copy !req
214. You know, relaxing, enjoying
things, making people happy?
Copy !req
215. Hal, that's so
sweet and thoughtful.
Copy !req
216. I hope I get to open it.
Copy !req
217. Rats!
Copy !req
218. You're doing it all wrong.
Copy !req
219. You have
seven ornaments.
Copy !req
220. I'm putting them
on your tree.
Copy !req
221. How could I do it wrong?
Copy !req
222. Go get the angel off mantel.
Copy !req
223. Who's this?
Copy !req
224. That is your grandfather,
when he was young man.
Copy !req
225. Ugh! Tell me that eyebrow thing
isn't genetic.
Copy !req
226. You and him—
both the same.
Copy !req
227. Always had to have
your own way;
Copy !req
228. nothing ever good enough.
Copy !req
229. Always have
to fight everything.
Copy !req
230. Victor always had to be
so independent.
Copy !req
231. Left home when he was 11,
lived on his own.
Copy !req
232. Got work on a farm
Copy !req
233. plowing the fields,
like a man.
Copy !req
234. Worked 18 hours a day.
Copy !req
235. Had to sleep
with the pigs
Copy !req
236. but he never complained.
Copy !req
237. He was strong.
Copy !req
238. He made something of himself.
Copy !req
239. Nobody's like
that anymore.
Copy !req
240. Everybody's too soft.
Copy !req
241. Hey, Grandma, why don't you
let me help you with that?
Copy !req
242. Your grandfather was tough.
Copy !req
243. He didn't take anything
from anybody.
Copy !req
244. He was... proud.
Copy !req
245. A man of... honor.
Copy !req
246. He was a wonderful...
Copy !req
247. wonderful man.
Copy !req
248. Victor...
Copy !req
249. du kaya mischna...
Copy !req
250. Grandma?
Copy !req
251. Grandma?
Copy !req
252. Oh!
Copy !req
253. Oh, God!
Copy !req
254. Ugh!
Copy !req
255. Just one more night.
Copy !req
256. We can get through one night.
Copy !req
257. We should be proud
of ourselves.
Copy !req
258. Everything's put away.
Copy !req
259. We haven't had
a single fight.
Copy !req
260. We did it.
Copy !req
261. We're going to get presents?
Copy !req
262. We're going to get presents.
Copy !req
263. What do we do now?
Copy !req
264. I guess we could take a nap.
Copy !req
265. Or maybe play quietly—
Copy !req
266. very quietly.
Copy !req
267. Shut up, Petey, shut up!
Copy !req
268. God, I'll be so glad
when Christmas is over.
Copy !req
269. Yeah, we'll be safe
for another year.
Copy !req
270. Mom's doing this
next Christmas?
Copy !req
271. Why wouldn't she?
Copy !req
272. It worked, didn't it?
Copy !req
273. And what if it's
not just Christmas?
Copy !req
274. What do you mean?
Copy !req
275. What if she does it
for other things
Copy !req
276. like Halloween
or Fourth of July?
Copy !req
277. Or our birthdays?
Copy !req
278. She can't do this!
Copy !req
279. I can't take it anymore.
Copy !req
280. We have to do something
to stop her.
Copy !req
281. Something drastic.
Copy !req
282. I'm in.
Copy !req
283. Mom needs to know
Copy !req
284. she can't take special
occasions hostage.
Copy !req
285. She needs to know
we don't negotiate.
Copy !req
286. She turned a beautiful
family holiday
Copy !req
287. into a nightmare.
Copy !req
288. It's time we show her
the true spirit of Christmas.
Copy !req
289. Now, before you say anything,
I don't want you
Copy !req
290. to think of this
as Christmas cider.
Copy !req
291. This is nondenominational
"winter" cider.
Copy !req
292. Though the boys are doing
so well, I...
Copy !req
293. Lois?
Copy !req
294. I'm a terrible mother.
Copy !req
295. I shouldn't be allowed
to have children.
Copy !req
296. Oh, sweetie...
Copy !req
297. I ruined Christmas.
Copy !req
298. What do you mean?
Copy !req
299. The boys are behaving like
I never knew they could behave.
Copy !req
300. I thought
that's what you wanted.
Copy !req
301. Yeah, but I didn't
want it like this.
Copy !req
302. I wanted to take it
back five minutes
Copy !req
303. after I starting
grabbing those presents,
Copy !req
304. but I didn't know how.
Copy !req
305. I'm a monster.
Copy !req
306. No, no, you're not monster.
Copy !req
307. I am. I really am.
Copy !req
308. No, you're not a monster.
Copy !req
309. Why don't you just
admit I'm a monster!
Copy !req
310. All right, in this
particular case,
Copy !req
311. you're a monster.
Copy !req
312. I know.
Copy !req
313. Just let the machine get it.
Copy !req
314. Come on, you know how
when you cry it makes me cry.
Copy !req
315. You are
a wonderful mother.
Copy !req
316. And you're a wonderful person.
Copy !req
317. Hey, Mom, it's Francis.
Copy !req
318. I just want you to know
that I am disgusted
Copy !req
319. with the way you treat Grandma.
Copy !req
320. Abandoning a helpless
old woman at Christmas.
Copy !req
321. I hope you're
ashamed of yourself.
Copy !req
322. I am. I am.
Copy !req
323. Hal, the boys don't
deserve this.
Copy !req
324. I mean, they're a
little high-spirited
Copy !req
325. but they're good,
good boys.
Copy !req
326. God, this feels so right.
Copy !req
327. This is way better
than real Christmas.
Copy !req
328. Remember, mess them
up just enough
Copy !req
329. so mom can't
return them.
Copy !req
330. Wait a minute.
Copy !req
331. Mom got me the exact
video game I asked for.
Copy !req
332. These are better
than what I asked for.
Copy !req
333. You know what?
Copy !req
334. Mom got me everything
I wanted.
Copy !req
335. Me, too.
Copy !req
336. She listened to us.
Copy !req
337. Okay, so she got lucky
a few times.
Copy !req
338. I never asked
for a stupid globe.
Copy !req
339. That's mine.
Copy !req
340. The cleats are yours.
Copy !req
341. Oh.
Copy !req
342. Mom really tried this year.
Copy !req
343. All she wanted
was a nice Christmas
Copy !req
344. and we ruined it.
Copy !req
345. In all fairness,
we ruin everything.
Copy !req
346. Remember how happy we were
a minute ago?
Copy !req
347. How do we go back?
Copy !req
348. I don't know.
Copy !req
349. Do we have any paint left?
Copy !req
350. No.
Copy !req
351. Oh, well.
Copy !req
352. What are you doing?
Copy !req
353. I'm doing you a favor,
Copy !req
354. so why don't you shut up
and enjoy it.
Copy !req
355. What is this?
Copy !req
356. Oh, you don't want
to look in there.
Copy !req
357. It's too sad.
Copy !req
358. No, Grandma,
Copy !req
359. what are all these things?
Copy !req
360. I mean, look at this.
Copy !req
361. There must be, like, a thousand
dollars worth of stuff in here.
Copy !req
362. $2,735.
Copy !req
363. $4,500 Canadian.
Copy !req
364. What are they doing
in your closet?
Copy !req
365. They're gifts.
Copy !req
366. For the family, for relatives,
for friends.
Copy !req
367. But you never give presents.
You...
Copy !req
368. Oh, my God, Donatello
with pizza-throwing action.
Copy !req
369. I wanted one of these
when I was six.
Copy !req
370. I know you did.
I bought that for you.
Copy !req
371. No, you didn't.
Copy !req
372. Yes, I did.
Copy !req
373. And then,
right before Christmas,
Copy !req
374. your Mommy
put you on the phone
Copy !req
375. you called me "poopie"
and hung up.
Copy !req
376. Is that the bread maker
Mom was asking for last year?
Copy !req
377. If she wants bread so much
Copy !req
378. she should write back
Copy !req
379. when her mother writes to her.
Copy !req
380. Oh, this was
for Cousin Nikola.
Copy !req
381. I spent a day shopping for it.
Copy !req
382. Then she marries a Protestant.
Copy !req
383. That camera, for your father,
Copy !req
384. right before he refused to drive
me to the liquor store— ugh!
Copy !req
385. All the nice things
I do for people.
Copy !req
386. Oh, my God, you're crazy!
Copy !req
387. I just thought you were evil,
but you are nuts!
Copy !req
388. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
389. Gifts aren't conditional—
they're gifts!
Copy !req
390. You give them to people
because you love them.
Copy !req
391. They're not something
you can take away
Copy !req
392. because of some petty slight.
Copy !req
393. You're not
teaching people anything.
Copy !req
394. You haven't gotten back at them.
Copy !req
395. They don't even know
they've upset you.
Copy !req
396. All you have done here is-is...
Copy !req
397. constructed a monument
to your own insanity!
Copy !req
398. What kind of a person
does that?
Copy !req
399. A lonely...
Copy !req
400. bitter... old woman.
Copy !req
401. What?
Copy !req
402. Look what I've done.
Copy !req
403. What use is all these things
to me now?
Copy !req
404. They could have brought
someone some happiness;
Copy !req
405. instead, they rot here.
Copy !req
406. Grandma? My hea... heart.
Copy !req
407. I... I think it's melting.
Copy !req
408. Yes... it's melting.
Copy !req
409. Oh... you showed me the way...
Copy !req
410. Francis, by yelling at me.
Copy !req
411. Quick, go get
my magic sled
Copy !req
412. and me and my reindeers
will go and give Christmas
Copy !req
413. to all the mean,
stupid, rude people.
Copy !req
414. We'll all join hands
and sing songs.
Copy !req
415. And we'll sprinkle
Copy !req
416. the ingrates with fairy dust
Copy !req
417. and my...
Copy !req
418. Are you sure
you want to do this?
Copy !req
419. Yes. I don't know
what I was thinking;
Copy !req
420. taking presents
away from children?
Copy !req
421. What kind of a sick
person does that?
Copy !req
422. Look, I just want to get
everything out of the garage
Copy !req
423. set it up in the house,
and have a nice Christmas.
Copy !req
424. You know what?
Copy !req
425. Why don't we wake up the boys
and have Christmas tonight?
Copy !req
426. I can't wait to see the look
on their sweet little faces.
Copy !req
427. Well, Hal, that was...
Copy !req
428. smart of you to
wake up the boys
Copy !req
429. so they could help us
carry in the presents.
Copy !req
430. Yes... yes... uh...
Copy !req
431. well, come on,
come on, hurry up, boys.
Copy !req
432. Yeah.
Sure.
Okay.
Copy !req
433. I'll cut off his hands and stick
them in his kakooshnyik.
Copy !req
434. Yoric greblech!
Copy !req
435. Roller skates!
Copy !req
436. Oh, I hope you like
them, sweetie.
Copy !req
437. Ooh, I think we have another
present here for Reese.
Copy !req
438. I wonder what it is.
Copy !req
439. This really is the best
Christmas we've ever had.
Copy !req
440. I don't know why we didn't try
Copy !req
441. this whole denial thing
a long time ago.
Copy !req