Malcolm in the Middle 3x2

Directed by James Simons

Daniel von Bargen as Commandant Edwin Spangler • Bryan Burke as Gus • Mary Pat Gleason as Woman • Kyle Sullivan as Dabney Hooper • Evan Matthew Cohen as Lloyd

Being fed up with military school, Francis gets himself legally emancipated so he can go north to Alaska with his friend Eric and become a logger. This does not sit well at all with the family.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Leaving so soon, cadet?

2. Sir, by statue 614 of the Alabama Legal Code,

3. I am officially emancipated and considered an adult,

4. an adult who no longer chooses

5. to attend Marlin Academy.

6. I have copies of the documents here,

7. if you want to see them again.

8. Oh, no need.

9. I'm sure that everything was done on the up-and-up.

10. Let me tell you something, cadet.

11. In all my years at this Academy,

12. I have never had a student who was more bullheaded,

13. more committed to avoid learning at all costs,

14. a cadet whose constant byword was "insubordination."

15. Thank you, cadet.

16. What?

17. Before you came to this academy,

18. I was bored, uninspired and this close to retiring,

19. but your insolence and stupidity

20. have been the irritating grain of sand

21. around which has formed the pearl of my renaissance.

22. I like me again.

23. Cadet!

24. As a thanks, I want you to have this.

25. Normally, these are reserved

26. for cadets who have distinguished themselves,

27. or whose parents have donated a building,

28. but you've left your mark here in your own way,

29. so what the heck?

30. Wow. Sir, this is great.

31. Farewell, cadet.

32. Thank you so much. Now,

33. careful, that's razor...

34. Normally, I dread the first day of school.

35. My mom's been on such a rampage about Francis,

36. it's actually a relief to get out of the house.

37. Thank God!

38. Summer's over.

39. Hello, babies.

40. How's baby school, babies?

41. Didn't high school start, like, a half hour ago?

42. Hey, if I'm on time today

43. they're going to expect it every day.

44. Ow! Ow! Ow!

45. Hi, Reese. This is Gus.

46. He's in the lead

47. to replace you as school bully.

48. He gives a wedgie that'll knock your socks off.

49. I'm not just saying that

50. 'cause he's got me in a headlock.

51. If you grab your wrist instead of your fingers,

52. you'll get better leverage.

53. You listen to him. He's the man.

54. I've completed the research on our new teacher,

55. if anyone's interested.

56. Lionel Herkabe, born July 8, 1963.

57. Parents— John and Ida.

58. Notice anything?

59. He was a Krelboyne.

60. We won't have to talk down to him.

61. Finally, someone who knows our pain.

62. "Bentley Gifted High, Princeton, Harvard Business."

63. What's this guy doing teaching?

64. Well, there was some unpleasantness.

65. He quit a government think tank to start a dot-com.

66. One-time net worth $200 million,

67. Now $137.

68. Here he comes! Here he comes!

69. Hurry up.

70. Get out of my way.

71. Who's Dabney?

72. That's me, sir.

73. I took the liberty of ordering you a decaf soy latte.

74. Let me guess.

75. Emotionally needy, closet bed-wetter...

76. you get no affection at home so you'll be seeking it from me.

77. Look elsewhere, son.

78. Who's the anal-retentive outsider?

79. With repressed matricidal tendencies?

80. It was from me, sir! Please, stop.

81. As you may or may not know,

82. I was once one of you... a Krelboyne,

83. and I'm sure I would have made the same

84. lame attempt to ingratiate myself

85. to the new, soft-headed thickwit teaching my class.

86. Oh, yes, I've been there.

87. I have been coddled and preened.

88. "Oh, you're a genius. You can do anything

89. "you set your mind to.

90. It must be so easy being you."

91. Well, bull ...!

92. All that gets you is an ex-wife and $14 million in debt.

93. Now I refuse to let you fall into the trap

94. society has set for you.

95. Playtime is over children.

96. You've had a free ride so far.

97. It's about time somebody motivated you, challenged you,

98. tested your mental limits.

99. Granted, I don't have

100. a teaching certificate

101. from a two-year community college

102. like most of the people I was forced to say hello to

103. this morning in the teachers lounge,

104. but, you know, I'm just going to try to muddle through

105. with my double doctorate from Harvard.

106. This is a test.

107. Correct. You have 20 minutes.

108. There are six essay questions.

109. I'm sorry. I thought this was the gifted class.

110. Begin!

111. Thanks for the ride.

112. Are you sure about this Alaska thing?

113. Oh, absolutely.

114. I don't know.

115. I heard Alaska's supposed to be a hole.

116. Are you kidding?

117. Cruise ships go up there.

118. Only for about six weeks in the summer.

119. Isn't it dark there the rest of the year?

120. I don't have to justify myself to you.

121. I don't have to justify myself to anyone.

122. That's why I got emancipated, okay?

123. Okay.

124. Good luck with your parents.

125. Yeah, well, they had a week to think about it.

126. We'll see how they take it.

127. You...!

128. You ungrateful son of a...!

129. This wasn't meant to hurt you!

130. After all we've done!

131. All I'm saying is that you can get your diploma first

132. and then do what you want.

133. It's all about maximizing your options,

134. taking the long view.

135. Sorry about using "The Closer."

136. Nonsense.

137. I wouldn't have taught it to you

138. if I didn't want you to use it.

139. Listen, what do I always say?

140. "The nards are fair game."

141. The nards are fair game.

142. Look, sometimes you're presented

143. with an opportunity that you just can't pass up.

144. I hope you understand.

145. I'm not the one you have to worry about.

146. I know. And I want

147. to get this straight with Mom.

148. That's why I came here.

149. Okay then.

150. Honey?

151. Um, your son has something to say to you.

152. Huh? I didn't know

153. the Hendersons painted their house.

154. Well, I have your test results.

155. You all got As.

156. But, since this is the giftedclass,

157. I also factored in cogency of argument,

158. economy of language

159. and penmanship, which enabled me to do this.

160. What is that?

161. A ranking board.

162. But I thought you said we all got As.

163. Oh, you did.

164. But some of you got better As than others.

165. But we all still have As?

166. Of course.

167. So, what does being number one get you?

168. Nothing.

169. Just the knowledge that you...

170. are number one.

171. Or that you are not...

172. number one.

173. Yes, Number Five.

174. It's Dabney, sir.

175. I know. What is it, Number Five?

176. I forgot.

177. What... a jerk.

178. Is that what we're going to turn out like?

179. If I ever start acting like that,

180. you have to promise to kill me.

181. No, no more death pacts.

182. Don't worry about it.

183. The only way that stupid board

184. can have an effect on us is if we let it.

185. Those numbers mean nothing.

186. What are...

187. you doing?

188. Nothing.

189. You were studying?

190. No, I wasn't.

191. My book just fell open to this page.

192. You know, I'm really not hungry.

193. I think I left my recess stuff in my locker.

194. Oh, my God, high school is awesome.

195. They have an entire room just for detention.

196. They put you in with juniors and seniors.

197. Some of them have records.

198. It's really inspiring.

199. What are you looking at?

200. Francis.

201. He's still out there?

202. Yeah, he's eating out of the bird feeder.

203. Whose shoes are these?

204. Who left their shoes in the living room?

205. Those are mine— I'm sorry.

206. You're right you're sorry.

207. Leaving your shoes around like you,

208. like you don't even care about them.

209. I hope you like walking to school in your socks!

210. I said I'm sorry.

211. Well, I've heard sorry before.

212. I don't think so.

213. Okay, tell you what we're going to do.

214. From now on,

215. when you want to wear shoes,

216. you check them out.

217. Sign them in, sign them out.

218. Just like a library.

219. Clean up those toys!

220. Oh, thanks.

221. It is freezing out there.

222. Hey, it's good to see you guys.

223. I really missed you.

224. What was that for?

225. Emancipation?

226. What, you're divorcing the family now?

227. How could you do this to Mom?

228. She left me no choice.

229. Ow!

230. We've done a lot of bad things to Mom,

231. but we would never abandon her.

232. I'm not abandoning her.

233. I'm just going to Alaska.

234. That's 5,000 miles away.

235. It is not...

236. 5,000 miles, are you serious?

237. Oh, my God, it's going

238. to take me forever to get up there.

239. Then don't go.

240. Guys, you have to understand.

241. I'm not doing this to hurt anybody.

242. I just... I really think

243. this is my best chance to make something of myself.

244. Tell it to Mom.

245. I can't, she won't talk to me.

246. She is being so immature.

247. In the meantime, I'm stuck outside in the freezing cold.

248. Would it be all right if I slept in here tonight?

249. Certainly, the whale

250. represents the search for God...

251. but that could be limiting.

252. We could say it was

253. the search for the self.

254. Melville could be

255. considered a pre-existentialist.

256. But you can't deny

257. that the whale could also be the search for truth

258. which has been a theme throughout

259. his whole oeuvre.

260. But we can't overlook the fact that it is an actual whale,

261. which was the biggest industry in the 19th century.

262. The oil was used in lamps,

263. soaps and even cosmetics.

264. Today, whaling is outlawed, but many Aleutian islanders

265. are legally allowed to harvest whales

266. for ritual purposes.

267. But I digress!

268. Wow, nine places.

269. That's got to be a record.

270. Okay, on to new business.

271. This Friday, Principal Littledove

272. will be dropping by for a little evaluation.

273. I think he'll be very impressed with what he sees.

274. I don't think he'll understand it,

275. but I think his tiny brain

276. will have the dim perception of the progress you can make

277. when students are properly motivated.

278. Now, who would like to sink their teeth

279. into some Bernoulli equations?

280. Come on, guys.

281. Look at yourselves.

282. If we don't let those

283. stupid rankings get to us, they mean nothing.

284. Easy for you to say, Number One.

285. I have a name.

286. We all have names!

287. Oh, my God, I can't remember mine!

288. This is ridiculous!

289. School used to be the one place where you were truly happy,

290. and Herkabe has taken that away from you.

291. That stupid board

292. is ruining our lives.

293. We can't let him do that.

294. What choice... do we have?

295. We have the choice that people have had for centuries.

296. We can choose to fail.

297. Like the French?

298. You mean... we tank... today's test?

299. No, we don't tank it.

300. We nuke it.

301. Every answer wrong.

302. No complete sentences.

303. No punctuation.

304. And we use number three pencils.

305. You can't rank zeros!

306. That's brilliant!

307. He'll have no choice

308. but to throw out his stupid system!

309. We'll be free!

310. I'm very disappointed in you.

311. Everyone else, nice job.

312. I'm sorry.

313. I'm sorry.

314. I tried.

315. My hand wouldn't let me.

316. I regret...

317. nothing.

318. Interesting gambit, but I guess

319. the Lemmings didn't follow you off the cliff.

320. When you've spent some time in the real world,

321. you'll realize you can't fight the system, and now...

322. I'mthe system.

323. Don't worry, I just let the air out.

324. We can talk while I put on your spare.

325. Look, I'm sorry I had to resort to this,

326. but you have to give me five minutes so we can talk.

327. I can talk over the music!

328. You can't drive on a flat!

329. You're going to ruin your rims!

330. That was a red light!

331. You might want to notice

332. my entire opening paragraph is a palindrome.

333. You might want to notice...

334. my formatting.

335. What's this?

336. A study of irrigation techniques of pre-Roman society and how

337. they led to the advancement of Western civilization.

338. I thought we were just studying Mesopotamian farming techniques.

339. We were.

340. I just used that as a jumping-off point.

341. I saw how their influences spread through the Egyptians,

342. the Carthaginians, basically through the whole ancient world.

343. I think you'll be very happy with this paper.

344. Very nice, Number Twelve.

345. It's nice to see a little effort put forth

346. while some are content to do the absolute minimum.

347. So... he wants... to play.

348. Oh, we'll play all right.

349. What is it we're playing?

350. Okay, I think we're ready

351. to show Principal Littledove

352. what the right kind of motivation can accomplish.

353. Well done, class.

354. You know, maybe we should just put our heads down

355. and take a rest for a moment, shall we?

356. Yes, One-to-the-Eleventh?

357. Did you know I can count to a million by prime numbers?

358. I can, too!

359. So can I! It's easy.

360. That's not necessary.

361. 2, 3, 5, 7, 11...

362. 13, 17, 19...

363. 23, 29, 31.

364. Now by hundreds!

365. 101, 211, 307, 401, 503, 601...

366. 7!

367. 7! No!

368. Okay, that is enough, One-to-the-Eleventh.

369. By thousands! 1,009...

370. 2,003...

371. Now back by hundreds!

372. 2,111, 2,203...

373. 2... 11...

374. No!

375. Where are you going, Number Three?

376. It's hot.

377. It's hot and I'm stupid!

378. I'm stupid, too!

379. Everybody, please remain seated!

380. I'm Zero!

381. Zero-to-the-Zeroth!

382. I'm nothing!

383. I'm invisible!

384. Boy, that's quite a show for your first week here.

385. You were right, you can't beat the system,

386. but you sure can break it.

387. I love you guys.

388. I'll write you when I get there, okay?

389. Someday, when you come back

390. and you're unemployed and have no place to live,

391. you can come stay at my castle.

392. Thanks, bud.

393. He's leaving.

394. He just wants to talk to you.

395. Just hear him out.

396. Lois, this... this has got to stop.

397. He's going very far away

398. and you're not going to see him for a very long time.

399. Honey, there are moments in life

400. that you just don't get back, and I know you.

401. If you do not deal with this now,

402. it will haunt you forever.

403. Fine.

404. I've lost a son but gained a baby.

405. I tried.

406. I know.

407. Are you sure this is what you want?

408. Well, it'd better be.

409. Francis.

410. I'm listening.

411. This is what you get!

412. This is what you get for the way you treated me!

413. I'm going to Alaska and you're going to be left without a son!

414. And the horrible way you treated me

415. is now a matter of public record!

416. I treated you?

417. We've made sacrifice after sacrifice for you

418. and you've caused us nothing but pain!

419. You want pain? I've got your scars, baby!

420. 3h years in that horrible school...

421. We went without for that school!

422. Oh!

423. Oh! Maybe I should thank you!

424. Thank you, Mother, for making my life a living hell!

425. Living hell? You've been nothing

426. but a problem since the day you were born.

427. Your problems are over, lady, 'cause I'm out of here!