Malcolm in the Middle 3x18

Directed by Jeff Melman

Lindsey Haun as Kristen • Dana Davis as Chandra • Steve Reevis as Enoch • Frederick Dawson as Officer Bob • John Colella as Officer Mel

Girls in the house spell trouble for the boys, who are on their own while Dad's hosting a poker game that's more about one-upmanship than cards.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Good night, honey.

2. Good night.

3. Oh, honey, please not tonight.

4. It's freezing.

5. What do you think?

6. More salt? More cilantro? A little zing of Tabasco?

7. It's perfect.

8. I can't taste anymore.

9. Okay, dips—

10. creamy, salsa, crab and compote.

11. Chips—

12. potato, corn, blue corn, sour cream and onion,

13. salt and vinegar, kettle, and baked.

14. How much did this table cost?

15. Is this why I didn't get a birthday present?

16. Hey, this is my first time hosting the poker game,

17. and I want everything perfect when my friends come over.

18. Or at least better than their stuff.

19. Ooh, I almost forgot.

20. Do you know Brian's daughter, Chandra?

21. Of course. Yeah.

22. Well, Brian's bringing her over tonight,

23. and I think she's bringing a friend.

24. Kristen?

25. Uh, yeah, something.

26. But Brian is playing poker.

27. So I need you two to entertain them, understand?

28. Uh-huh. Now, I mean it, guys.

29. I don't want you bothering us.

30. I want you and those girls in your room all night

31. with the door closed.

32. Got it?

33. There's your birthday present.

34. Who's Chandra?

35. She's no one to you. Understood?

36. If you set one foot in our room tonight,

37. you are dead.

38. Where am I supposed to go?

39. I don't care.

40. But if I see you tonight,

41. I will Charlie-horse every muscle in your body.

42. But... It disturbs me

43. how much I enjoyed that.

44. Don't make me do it again.

45. Hi, honey. Hello.

46. You're working late tonight, right?

47. Yeah, 10:30 at least.

48. Okay, good. Something came up.

49. I've got to have dinner with someone.

50. Who? No one.

51. I mean, it's just

52. some old business I have to take care of

53. and I don't really want to talk about it now, okay?

54. Well, can I help?

55. No, it's fine.

56. I promise, I'll tell you everything when you get home.

57. Okay. Thanks.

58. Don't worry. He'll be gone by the time you get back.

59. Did you catch that "he" part?

60. Hi, Hal.

61. Hey, Brian, how are you?

62. They're here.

63. Get out.

64. Boys,

65. I know you know Brian

66. and I think you kids know each other.

67. Yeah. Yeah. No. No.

68. Anyway, we're going to leave you kids to entertain yourselves.

69. Yes, your father and I

70. have to conduct some business.

71. It seems that he has some of my money in his wallet.

72. Bring it on. All right.

73. May I take your wrap?

74. Listen, just 'cause my dad dragged us to this dump

75. doesn't mean we have to talk to you.

76. Just show us where we can sit

77. where we won't catch fleas.

78. I'm gonna go see what Dewey's doing.

79. Hey.

80. (loudly): Oh, you're Stevie,

81. right?

82. Can we help you in?

83. I'm not...

84. deaf.

85. Did you hear him breathe?

86. Aw...

87. All right, did you hear the one

88. about the astronaut and the hooker?

89. Yeah.

90. I didn't get it.

91. Dewey, I told you to stay in your room. But Reese said...

92. No, Dewey, this is man time.

93. You can't be here.

94. How's the dip?

95. Hey, Hal, this is

96. a sweet table.

97. What is it, a 52-incher?

98. Yes, sirree.

99. Nice. I got the 54. Yeah, but

100. you don't have the built-in drink holders like I do.

101. Or the extra-padded leather around the edges like mine.

102. You can play all night

103. and not feel it in your wrists the next day.

104. Oh, but this is nice, too, Hal. Sweet.

105. Sweet. (men laughing)

106. Hoe do you live your life with only three keys?

107. I've got five. I've got nine. I got seven.

108. Guys, guys, guys, do we have to do this every week?

109. You're right.

110. So, uh, how's the kids?

111. You're just asking about his kids

112. so you can talk about yours.

113. Hey, why shouldn't I?

114. Did I tell you that James was made

115. captain of the wrestling team?

116. Stevie just wrote a brand-new antivirus program.

117. My daughter's essay scored her a trip to the White House.

118. Malcolm has an IQ of 165.

119. We know.

120. You've been using that for six months.

121. Would you like something

122. from the kitchen?

123. No...

124. thank you.

125. He doesn't want anything.

126. You think they'll offer to change his diapers?

127. I can't believe Stevie's putting up with this.

128. Maybe we should get him a blanket. You know what?

129. I'll take care of it. Would you like a blanket?

130. Girls, let me explain

131. something to you about Stevie.

132. He's no different than the rest of us.

133. He plays video games.

134. He does chores around the house.

135. He goes to the movies with friends.

136. He leads a completely normal life.

137. Which makes it even sadder

138. that he only has two months to live.

139. What? What?

140. Stevie, they have a right to know.

141. Oh, my God.

142. Is it true?

143. I've been told...

144. I'm very brave.

145. Oh.

146. 129.

147. That didn't beat Malik.

148. So, Malik wins

149. the breath-holding.

150. Abe got the most dip on a chip.

151. Trey has the longest neck.

152. Steve has the highest socks,

153. and Hal, well,

154. Hal has nothing so far.

155. Yeah, the doctors are baffled.

156. Stevie's brain is growing too big for his head.

157. It's pressing up against his skull.

158. They say he only has two months before it explodes.

159. It's called...

160. encephalo...

161. neuryop...

162. alitis.

163. How horrible. Oh, God.

164. What do you think you're doing?

165. Helping Stevie.

166. It's okay.

167. It's weird, but it feels good helping people.

168. I like being the hero.

169. You're pimping a fatal disease to take advantage of a girl.

170. For good.

171. Stevie, this is so unfair.

172. I have...

173. no regrets.

174. Well...

175. one.

176. "Old business." What do you think that means? I don't know.

177. You think it's an old boyfriend or something?

178. You know, I have no idea what it is.

179. Sometimes those old

180. relationships can really get a hold on you.

181. Hey, what's up with her ex-husband?

182. He's still in jail.

183. Didn't his parole hearing just come up?

184. I don't know. Maybe.

185. Look, she'll tell me about it tonight.

186. Whatever it is.

187. Man, I really admire your maturity. Thank you.

188. I'm the complete opposite.

189. I overanalyze everything.

190. Like how Piama didn't kiss you good-bye.

191. I'd be totally fixated on that.

192. Or her ex-husband being locked up without a woman

193. for five years.

194. That's what's wrong with me.

195. One suspicious conversation

196. and immediately I'm picturing

197. sweaty bodies rolling around

198. in front of a fireplace.

199. God, I got a lot of growing up to do.

200. What are you doing here?

201. Get out.

202. You kicked me out of my room already,

203. so I have nowhere else to go.

204. That's not my problem.

205. And I don't want to hear you crying.

206. It's a real mood-killer.

207. Thanks, Chandra.

208. This light's much better for his eyes.

209. The music...

210. helps regulate...

211. my heartbeat.

212. I just have to go call his vitals in to the doctor.

213. Missing something?

214. What did you do with it?

215. What do you think you're doing with a gun?

216. Are you insane? Give it back.

217. No. You don't bring a gun into this house.

218. You don't get to have a gun.

219. Where is it?

220. This is where my family lives.

221. You don't even know them and you bring a gun here?

222. What the hell is wrong with you?

223. You'd better tell me where it is.

224. No way, you can't have a gun.

225. It's not mine. It's my boyfriend's.

226. I'm just holding it for him

227. because his parents search his room.

228. Well, they should.

229. He's got a gun.

230. Tell me where it is.

231. No.

232. That's not even mine.

233. Don't you have anything in this house that isn't junk?

234. No.

235. Damn! Big deal.

236. Who can stuff the most pretzels in their mouth at one time?

237. Okay, who can throw a potato chip the farthest?

238. I've never met anyone who was going to die before.

239. We're all dying.

240. I'm just...

241. going...

242. before Thanksgiving.

243. That's terrible.

244. It makes me...

245. appreciate...

246. the time...

247. I have.

248. Wow, that's beautiful.

249. You're so...

250. alive.

251. Can I...

252. tongue-kiss you?

253. What? I-I'm sorry.

254. The pressure...

255. on my brain...

256. Oh, you poor baby.

257. What are you doing here?

258. What do you think?

259. Go pee outside.

260. Oh, for God's sake!

261. Out.

262. At the tone, the time will be

263. 8:22 and 30 seconds.

264. Bam!

265. Right to the millisecond.

266. I'm two seconds off. I'm three.

267. Same here.

268. Hal, you don't even have a minute hand.

269. Well, it's, it's really more of a decorative piece.

270. Where is it?

271. Where's what?

272. Full house

273. nines over aces.

274. Yeah, looks like I'm on a roll.

275. And I expect to stay on one

276. once I get home to Alana, if you know what I mean.

277. So, what is this, the third Wednesday of the month?

278. Ooh! Hey, I do fine, thank you very much.

279. Oh, yeah?

280. What's the number?

281. Whoa-whoa-whoa, we're not going to do this.

282. Just deal the cards, will you?

283. Three.

284. Four. Four.

285. Five.

286. Two.

287. Two? Ouch.

288. Just twice a week?

289. Oh, per week— oh, then...

290. Fourteen.

291. 14? Come on.

292. No way.

293. No, he's telling the truth.

294. Believe me. I went on vacation with him.

295. If anything, he's underselling himself.

296. Well, I... guess I win.

297. I mean, it's really none of your business.

298. I don't care

299. how high you wear your socks.

300. You ain't beating that.

301. Hey, hats off to you, man.

302. Yeah, now we know why you're so bad at poker.

303. I don't even know how you can keep your eyes open.

304. Oh, you'd better watch it, Hal.

305. She must be angling for something big.

306. What are you talking about?

307. Well, you know she's gonna want

308. something in exchange.

309. You don't get anything free with women.

310. Listen to you.

311. With that attitude

312. it's no wonder you're not doing any better.

313. Ooh...

314. Well, don't put that on me, pal.

315. Uh, can we...? Let me ask you something.

316. When was the last time you sent your wife flowers?

317. Well, how come it's always the man

318. that has to send the flowers?

319. I would love to get some flowers.

320. Might as well stretch.

321. This is going to take a while.

322. Did you ever stop to think

323. that women are independent

324. human beings

325. who can make their own...

326. choices?

327. If you look at any successful relationship

328. you'll find one common element at their core: trust.

329. That's fine, Francis,

330. but I really didn't need the hour-and-20-minute speech.

331. I was just going to ask if you wanted to take off early

332. 'cause I was willing to cover your shift,

333. but evidently you're not concerned, so I...

334. You like...

335. this?

336. Oh, yeah.

337. You know something, Stevie?

338. Maybe it was meant for me

339. to be here with you, you know?

340. I mean, wasn't it fate

341. that made Dawson's Creek a rerun so I came here?

342. I guess... fate... can be kind... too.

343. Oh, this is so awful.

344. Stop.

345. It's okay.

346. No, it's not okay.

347. I just keep thinking about everything

348. you're going to miss out on.

349. You're never going to grow up.

350. You're never going to go to your prom.

351. I mean, you're never

352. going to know what it's like to be loved.

353. What I'm thinking about doing—

354. it goes against everything I believe in, okay?

355. But then, I don't even know what I believe in anymore.

356. (sobbing): It's like,

357. what kind of a God could just let you die like this?

358. I'll ask... when I see him.

359. When was the last time

360. you just made time to talk to her?

361. You're perfectly happy

362. just closing off

363. and not sharing your feelings.

364. Why don't you just get off my back?

365. There it is!

366. You're shutting me out!

367. Why can't you just talk to me?

368. So that you can twist my words around

369. and just throw them back at me?

370. How many times do I have to apologize for that?

371. You've been drinking, haven't you?

372. Well, I warned you,

373. but you didn't give me any other choice.

374. Now my boyfriend's coming over

375. and he's going to get that gun from you one way or another.

376. Oh, little Markie Rosenbaum's

377. going to come over and scare me.

378. I broke up with Markie.

379. I'm dating Derek Fowler.

380. Derek Fowler?

381. He's a psycho!

382. What happened to Markie?

383. I loved Markie!

384. You guys were great together!

385. You know, Derek's going to make you tell him

386. where that gun is.

387. Where are you going?

388. I don't want to be anywhere near here

389. when he shows up.

390. Chandra, I'm going home!

391. Sayo... nara.

392. Well, maybe I'll just call the cops.

393. Go ahead.

394. Let's hope they get here first.

395. That's it!

396. I've had it!

397. Dewey, shut up!

398. You guys broke all my stuff!

399. Look, I've got something good going on in there

400. and I don't want you to ruin it.

401. This is all I have left!

402. There. Now you got nothing to worry about.

403. End of discussion.

404. Oh, my God.

405. How can a night that started out so badly

406. get even worse?

407. Wait.

408. Don't panic.

409. Think for a second.

410. No, this is good.

411. This is sensible.

412. I make those kind of statements

413. and just assume that she knows I'm sorry.

414. And you know what?

415. That's not right.

416. She deserves better than that.

417. That's all I needed to hear.

418. I'm going to call that woman up

419. and tell her just how much I love her.

420. Hello?

421. Earl, is that you?

422. Earl, what the hell you doing at my house?

423. Hello?

424. I-I'm, I'm going to go home now

425. 'cause I-I got a thing to do tomorrow.

426. Well, I guess the game's over.

427. Yeah.

428. You know, I've wondered why Earl

429. never came to the game.

430. Dad, I've tried

431. to be understanding about all this,

432. but there is a limit.

433. You have a right to know what's going on in this house.

434. Dewey, now is not the time to be...

435. Normally, I don't mind

436. being a snitch, but this even makes me sad.

437. This is what your son is up to.

438. Stevie! What are you doing?

439. Where's Reese?

440. I was about to take a scented bath.

441. Is something going on?

442. Lamb chop! Put your sweater on!

443. Dad... I...

444. Stevie, how cou...?

445. It's not...

446. what it looks like.

447. Well, it looks...

448. like she was on your lap!

449. Oh, my God, his head exploded!

450. Abe, are you okay?

451. I think so.

452. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

453. Is everyone okay?

454. I mean... what was that?

455. Face it, Dad.

456. You were a crappy father.

457. All you ever cared about

458. was women, drinking, and stealing.

459. You know what?

460. I can't talk about this anymore.

461. How many times do I have to say it?

462. I need money!

463. Guess who's home.

464. What are you doing here?

465. I got off early.

466. Hello. I'm Francis, Piama's husband.

467. You're married?

468. Hmm...

469. Didn't think that was worth mentioning?

470. Very cozy.

471. Francis, I told you I...

472. Hey, I had a life before I met you.

473. Maybe I haven't been fair to you.

474. I mean, our relationship wasn't all bad.

475. Remember all the tickle fights?

476. Oh, yeah, those were wild.

477. I remember this one time

478. we were taking a bath together, and she started squirming...

479. Ah! No, I don't want to hear this!

480. Aw, come on.

481. It's a funny story, Francis.

482. And he loves telling it, don't you, Dad?

483. "Dad"?

484. Yup.

485. I just... Oh, I'm, I'm so sorry.

486. I just... I mean, it's a real pleasure

487. to meet you, sir.

488. Do you have any money?

489. No.

490. Well, tonight's been a big ball of nothing.

491. I'm going to go finish off my shift.

492. Love you, honey!

493. You are never seeing that girl again.

494. And you sure as hell

495. are never seeing that boy again.

496. You know what?

497. You are not seeing daylight for the next six months.

498. Just tell me what happened.

499. We... were playing...

500. cards.

501. Okay.

502. Let's start with you.

503. Well...

504. it's like...

505. this.

506. So, let me see.

507. You found a gun.

508. Didn't tell your father.

509. Handled it, hid it inside the house.

510. Handled it again to move it

511. and tried to destroy it with a hacksaw.

512. And at no point did you contact the police

513. until after the gun went off.

514. Yes.

515. What did you say your IQ was?

516. Man, what a night.

517. When that thing went off,

518. I couldn't believe how scared I was.

519. You were scared?

520. Hey, I was way more scared than you guys.

521. Are you kidding me?

522. I screamed like a little girl.

523. Puh-leeze! I could have broke glass the way I screamed.

524. You sounded like a hero compared to how I...