1. I can't believe you,
Dewey! How could you do this?Copy !req
2. When is she
going to stop?Copy !req
3. I'm starving.
Go get us some food.Copy !req
4. I'm not going
out there.Copy !req
5. That's right,
you better cry!Copy !req
6. Sorry doesn't
cut it, young man!Copy !req
7. This was a good idea.Copy !req
8. Just wish you had
told me earlier.Copy !req
9. I was hiding outside
for 45 minutesCopy !req
10. before I came in.Copy !req
11. I saw you.Copy !req
12. Boys, you know how you've
been hounding us for yearsCopy !req
13. for your own computer?Copy !req
14. Well, your mother and
I have arranged a dealCopy !req
15. with our nice neighbor
Ed to get you one.Copy !req
16. I'm giving you
my old laptop.Copy !req
17. Is it inside that?Copy !req
18. Nope, that's it.
And in exchange,Copy !req
19. you're going to help Ed
set up his new computer.Copy !req
20. It shouldn't be hard
for a smart kid like you.Copy !req
21. All you have to do is install
the sound and graphics cardCopy !req
22. and set up a wireless network
for my broadband connection,Copy !req
23. and I'm good to go.Copy !req
24. And, Reese, you're
going to help himCopy !req
25. resod his lawn
and build a gazebo.Copy !req
26. What? No!Copy !req
27. Come on, boys.Copy !req
28. Nothing in this life
comes free.Copy !req
29. Oh, Hal, here are
those Foreigner albums.Copy !req
30. Pleasure doing
business with you.Copy !req
31. Oh, just be glad
you're getting a computer.Copy !req
32. Maybe I should get a dog
or a rat.Copy !req
33. Some dumb animal that at least
knows how to work for a living!Copy !req
34. Yes, ma'am.Copy !req
35. Damn idiots never learned
how to do one damn thing rightCopy !req
36. your entire lives!Copy !req
37. Yes, ma'am.Copy !req
38. And the blood
from my kneesCopy !req
39. was tracking behind where
I had already scrubbedCopy !req
40. so I had to keep going
around and aroundCopy !req
41. until finally she let me
put dish towelsCopy !req
42. on my knees.Copy !req
43. So, how was your day?Copy !req
44. Did you make a lot
of snow globes?Copy !req
45. I don't care about that.Copy !req
46. My husband is being disrespected
by a woman who isn't fitCopy !req
47. to eat the crap
between your toes.Copy !req
48. Someone ought to cut
that woman's belly openCopy !req
49. with a rusty knife and strangle
her with her own entrails.Copy !req
50. I love you, too.Copy !req
51. If you want me,
I'll be under my bed.Copy !req
52. Oh, come on, Dewey,
it wasn't that bad.Copy !req
53. It was terrible!Copy !req
54. I hate soccer.Copy !req
55. I stink!Copy !req
56. My team stinks.Copy !req
57. Well, 27-0 doesn't
reflect how closeCopy !req
58. the first five minutes
of the game were.Copy !req
59. Hey, you guys won
the coin toss.Copy !req
60. I want to quit.
Well, you can't quit.Copy !req
61. People don't just quit because
they lose a couple games.Copy !req
62. The coach quit.Copy !req
63. No, he had an emotional
breakdown.Copy !req
64. That's not the same thing.Copy !req
65. The point is,
you're not quitting.Copy !req
66. In fact, you know what?Copy !req
67. I'm going to coach you.Copy !req
68. What?
Well, sure!Copy !req
69. This'll be great.Copy !req
70. It'll give us a chance
to hang out,Copy !req
71. spend a little time together,Copy !req
72. kick the ball around.Copy !req
73. And who knows, someday
you might just look backCopy !req
74. and say, "Boy, I sure had
some fun with my old man."Copy !req
75. (chuckles)
What do you say?Copy !req
76. No!
Dewey, you are notCopy !req
77. quitting the team.Copy !req
78. I am going
to coach youCopy !req
79. and we are going to create
treasured father-son memoriesCopy !req
80. whether you want to or not.Copy !req
81. So, what's... on the...
hard drive?Copy !req
82. Nothing.
He erased everything.Copy !req
83. No, he just
thinks he did.Copy !req
84. He may have deleted
all the programs,Copy !req
85. but he didn't
format the drive.Copy !req
86. They never... do.Copy !req
87. There it is.Copy !req
88. Let's check out
what he's got in here.Copy !req
89. Let's go through
his e-mails.Copy !req
90. Why? It's Ed.Copy !req
91. What's he going to...?Copy !req
92. Oh, my God.Copy !req
93. "Eddie, last night
was amazing.Copy !req
94. You touched me places
my husband never knew existed."Copy !req
95. "TGoodwin."Copy !req
96. That's Mrs. Goodwin
from down the block.Copy !req
97. That's horrible.Copy !req
98. They're both married.Copy !req
99. And fat.Copy !req
100. Look at this one.Copy !req
101. "Edward, just saying your name
turns me to jelly."Copy !req
102. That's... Mrs. Fisher.Copy !req
103. Mrs. Conlin, Mrs. Wilson,
Mrs. Beltz...Copy !req
104. He's sleeping with half the
women in this neighborhood.Copy !req
105. Here's one from old
Mrs. Swanbeck.Copy !req
106. Open the picture
attachment.Copy !req
107. All right, kids,
let's huddle up.Copy !req
108. Huddle up.
Come on.Copy !req
109. Hello there.Copy !req
110. My name is Hal.Copy !req
111. I'm the new coach.Copy !req
112. Now, I don't claim
to know a lotCopy !req
113. about soccer, but I do know
about being a young boy.Copy !req
114. And growing up can be tough.Copy !req
115. I know what it's like
to be the class spaz...Copy !req
116. the fat kid...Copy !req
117. the nose picker.Copy !req
118. Just wipe it on the grass, son.Copy !req
119. But together,
we are more than that.Copy !req
120. And today we're going
to find outCopy !req
121. what it's like to be a team!Copy !req
122. Can we just forfeit
and get a burgerCopy !req
123. before the line gets too long?Copy !req
124. No.Copy !req
125. What we're going to do
is go out on that fieldCopy !req
126. and we are going
to have some fun.Copy !req
127. You kids
make me sick!Copy !req
128. If you're not puking
from exhaustion,Copy !req
129. you're not playing
hard enough!Copy !req
130. It's a beautiful day.Copy !req
131. Let's go out
and enjoy the sunshineCopy !req
132. and play some soccer!Copy !req
133. You will rip
their heads off!Copy !req
134. Do you hear me?
(sobbing)Copy !req
135. Now stop crying.Copy !req
136. Stop crying,
you little baby!Copy !req
137. Hey, fella, why don't
you just ease up!Copy !req
138. Come on,
they're just kids.Copy !req
139. You hear that, men?Copy !req
140. That's what a loser
sounds like.Copy !req
141. All right, what do you say,Copy !req
142. we go out and give it our best
and have some fun?Copy !req
143. It was 48 to nothing
before the half.Copy !req
144. I had to call it.Copy !req
145. Of course.Copy !req
146. Two, four, six, eight!
Who did we annihilate?Copy !req
147. The Tigers!
The Tigers!Copy !req
148. We killed the Tigers!Copy !req
149. Hey, Stevie.Copy !req
150. You were supposed...
to meet me...Copy !req
151. at the library.Copy !req
152. Oh, yeah. Sorry.Copy !req
153. You know, I actually found
something decentCopy !req
154. on Ed's computer.Copy !req
155. The Virts?Copy !req
156. Yeah, you create
a virtual family,Copy !req
157. put them in
different situations,Copy !req
158. and the computer
plays out their lives.Copy !req
159. I'm putting in
the characters right now.Copy !req
160. Is that...Copy !req
161. your mom?Copy !req
162. Not yet.Copy !req
163. Reese.Copy !req
164. Make sure... you capture...Copy !req
165. the blackness of his soul.Copy !req
166. Aggressiveness— ten.Copy !req
167. Hygiene— zero.Copy !req
168. Okay, now me.Copy !req
169. Malcolm.Copy !req
170. Appearance— nine.Copy !req
171. No, ten.Copy !req
172. A ten for
intelligence.Copy !req
173. And social skills... ten.Copy !req
174. Too bad...
it doesn't go... higher.Copy !req
175. I have social skills,
jackass!Copy !req
176. Okay, it's dinnertime.Copy !req
177. Where's Malcolm?Copy !req
178. Looking at himself
in the mirror.Copy !req
179. How you doing?Copy !req
180. I'm hot and I'm bored.Copy !req
181. What is this stuff?Copy !req
182. It smells awful.Copy !req
183. What are you doing?Copy !req
184. There's bare patches
all over the place.Copy !req
185. Are you even paying attention
to what you're doing?Copy !req
186. Hey, I get grounded plenty, Ed.Copy !req
187. I know how to do grunt work.Copy !req
188. So why don't you just go fix
Mrs. Conlin's "garage door"Copy !req
189. and get off my back!Copy !req
190. What did you say?
You heard me.Copy !req
191. Oh, my God.
What do you know?Copy !req
192. Everything.Copy !req
193. You might want to formulate
your megabytesCopy !req
194. next time
you get rid of your computer.Copy !req
195. Oh, and by the way,Copy !req
196. Mrs. Swanbeck? You are sick.Copy !req
197. Keep your voice down.Copy !req
198. Look, it's not my fault.Copy !req
199. I try to be faithful,Copy !req
200. but the women on this block
are just so desperateCopy !req
201. and lonely.Copy !req
202. It's like I cast
some kind of spell.Copy !req
203. I try to tell them no,Copy !req
204. but it always leads
to a back rub.Copy !req
205. I know, Ed. I read all about it.Copy !req
206. Is that you, Ed?Copy !req
207. I'm a little busy
right now, Martha.Copy !req
208. Look...Copy !req
209. you can't tell my wife.Copy !req
210. You can't tell anyone.Copy !req
211. Please.Copy !req
212. I'll do anything.Copy !req
213. I'll do anything you ask.Copy !req
214. I can work with that.Copy !req
215. Damn these loggers!Copy !req
216. Don't they know
somebody's got to clean upCopy !req
217. their caribou carcass?Copy !req
218. These antlers won't
fit down the disposal!Copy !req
219. Oh, hey, Francis,
come away from there.Copy !req
220. You don't have
to do that.Copy !req
221. You're much to valuable an
employee to mess with that.Copy !req
222. But yesterday you said
you'd seen tumors with hairCopy !req
223. that were smarter than me.Copy !req
224. Can't you tell
good-natured ribbing?Copy !req
225. I got a more
important job for you.Copy !req
226. Why don't you sit
in that chairCopy !req
227. and check out the reception
on the TV.Copy !req
228. It's been kind
of spotty lately.Copy !req
229. Oh, and make sure these sodas
haven't gone flat.Copy !req
230. That sounds... doable.Copy !req
231. We got other people
to do the grunt work.Copy !req
232. A newlywed like you shouldn't
be tiring himself outCopy !req
233. before he even gets home.Copy !req
234. Your lovely, young wife
wouldn't like that, would she?Copy !req
235. What did you do?Copy !req
236. I don't know what
you're talking about, honey.Copy !req
237. Lavernia is being
nice to me.Copy !req
238. She's treating me
like a human being!Copy !req
239. What did you do to her?Copy !req
240. Maybe she turned over
a new leaf.Copy !req
241. Sometimes really big
crappy jerksCopy !req
242. just realize they got
to change their ways.Copy !req
243. This woman was terrified,Copy !req
244. and I've never seen
her scared of anything.Copy !req
245. I don't know how
you threatened her,Copy !req
246. but you must
have said something.Copy !req
247. I wouldn't do
that, Francis.Copy !req
248. You're the man.Copy !req
249. I'm not going to fight
your battles for you.Copy !req
250. Obviously that's not true.Copy !req
251. Now, damn it, you're
going to tell me what you did!Copy !req
252. You know what?Copy !req
253. I don't have to do anything
you tell me to do.Copy !req
254. And you might want to reconsider
your tone of voice.Copy !req
255. Sometimes you
make me so mad.Copy !req
256. All right, look, uh,
today's practice was...Copy !req
257. Well, let's-let's focus
on the positive.Copy !req
258. I-I think it's encouraging
that so many of youCopy !req
259. found the right field.Copy !req
260. And a special congratulations
go to BillyCopy !req
261. for using the sidestep
that we practicedCopy !req
262. to run away from the butterfly
that almost landed near him.Copy !req
263. But we do need
to work onCopy !req
264. your general unwillingness
to kick the ball.Copy !req
265. It hurts!Copy !req
266. Boys, if we are going
to get better,Copy !req
267. we're going to have
to work together.Copy !req
268. We're going to have to start
acting like a team.Copy !req
269. You know what it means
to be on a team, don't you?Copy !req
270. Well, don't look at...Copy !req
271. Come on, think of a team.Copy !req
272. Like the X-Men?Copy !req
273. Yes!Copy !req
274. Yes! Yes, like the X-Men.Copy !req
275. You boys are like the X-Men.Copy !req
276. And what do the X-Men do?Copy !req
277. Fight evil?Copy !req
278. Yes, they work together.Copy !req
279. To fight evil
and also to uphold the idealsCopy !req
280. of good sportsmanship
and teamwork!Copy !req
281. And fight evil!Copy !req
282. Yes! Okay, okay, boys.Copy !req
283. Come on, come on, come on,
huddle up, huddle up.Copy !req
284. I should not be
telling you this,Copy !req
285. but the American Youth
Soccer FederationCopy !req
286. has been infiltrated
by evil forcesCopy !req
287. hell-bent on total
domination of the Earth.Copy !req
288. Now, the infiltration
goes all the way downCopy !req
289. to the lowest levels.Copy !req
290. I'm talking the Blackhawks,
the Bulldogs, the Eagles.Copy !req
291. Every other team in our leagueCopy !req
292. has been lost
to the forces of evil.Copy !req
293. And it's up to you boys
to stop them.Copy !req
294. Now, boys, what do you say, hmm?Copy !req
295. Who wants to be on the side
of goodness and virtueCopy !req
296. and who wants to rid
the world of evil?Copy !req
297. All right, boys!Copy !req
298. Now, let's get out there
and do some kicking drills!Copy !req
299. Can you please...
start working?Copy !req
300. Just one more second.Copy !req
301. This is really interesting.Copy !req
302. I just made my mom quit
her crappy jobCopy !req
303. and go to law school.Copy !req
304. It's less money, but her
happiness level went way up.Copy !req
305. I made my dad quit, too.Copy !req
306. All he's doing is
working on neighbors' cars,Copy !req
307. but check out
his happiness level.Copy !req
308. But I still think
they could be happier.Copy !req
309. Let's send Reese to China.Copy !req
310. What are you changing...
about Malcolm?Copy !req
311. Nothing, he's fine.Copy !req
312. He's burning himself...Copy !req
313. with a cigarette.Copy !req
314. Just a phase.Copy !req
315. Where were you?
(music stops)Copy !req
316. I've been waiting ten
minutes for that lotion.Copy !req
317. Look at this.
I am starting to freckle.Copy !req
318. Look, Reese,
my wife gets back soon.Copy !req
319. I'm going to have a hard timeCopy !req
320. explaining why I'm catering
to a 15-year-old boy.Copy !req
321. I'll explain it to her
if you want me to.Copy !req
322. That's okay,
forget I mentioned it.Copy !req
323. Fly.
Where?Copy !req
324. Just a drill.Copy !req
325. Well, the oak
seems to burnCopy !req
326. a few degrees hotter
than the maple.Copy !req
327. This game is asinine!Copy !req
328. I thought you liked it.Copy !req
329. No, this is idiotic
programming.Copy !req
330. My family has turned out
horrible.Copy !req
331. My mom finished law schoolCopy !req
332. and became
a Supreme Court justice,Copy !req
333. Reese is the king
of China,Copy !req
334. and my dad is
a millionaireCopy !req
335. from his chain
of auto body shops.Copy !req
336. Why is Malcolm
sneaking scotchCopy !req
337. from the toilet tank?Copy !req
338. He won't stop drinking!Copy !req
339. That's his second bottle
since breakfast.Copy !req
340. I am so done with this game.Copy !req
341. No, you know what?Copy !req
342. I'm moving them all to Arkansas
to become chicken farmers.Copy !req
343. That ought to level out
the playing field.Copy !req
344. Hi, honey. This is great!Copy !req
345. You're home early.Copy !req
346. And you don't come home
so mad anymore.Copy !req
347. I think we may
have to split up.Copy !req
348. What?Copy !req
349. I'm not sure
this marriage is working.Copy !req
350. I mean, I love you,
but I don't know you that well.Copy !req
351. Hell, I can't even pronounce
your last name.Copy !req
352. Tan-nah-nah-ha-ahk-nah.Copy !req
353. And then with this
whole Lavernia thing,Copy !req
354. I'm starting to think
there's a side...Copy !req
355. I don't understand.Copy !req
356. If someone does something
because they love someoneCopy !req
357. and it solves
the problem, then...Copy !req
358. No!Copy !req
359. Marriage is supposed to beCopy !req
360. about trust and communication
and not being terrified!Copy !req
361. We're supposed to be a team,
I thought.Copy !req
362. Look, I'm going
to ask you one last time,Copy !req
363. for the sake of our marriage,
what did you do?Copy !req
364. (mumbles):
Took her parakeet.Copy !req
365. What?
I took her parakeet!Copy !req
366. You stole the woman's pet?Copy !req
367. The woman's pet?Copy !req
368. You protect the people
that you love.Copy !req
369. I figured you'd do
the same for me.Copy !req
370. But I would tell you!Copy !req
371. If I was going to grab
someone's parakeetCopy !req
372. and hold it hostage...Copy !req
373. Well, gee, I wouldn't do that!Copy !req
374. How long were you going
to keep it for, anyway?Copy !req
375. Till she behaved.Copy !req
376. And if she didn't,
I guess I'd have killed it.Copy !req
377. See, that's where
it gets alarming again.Copy !req
378. But putting asideCopy !req
379. the horrible nature
of the act itself,Copy !req
380. what's really upsetting
is that you madeCopy !req
381. this unilateral decision.Copy !req
382. I said I was sorry!Copy !req
383. How many times do you
want me to say it?Copy !req
384. You didn't say you were...Copy !req
385. And what about you?Copy !req
386. You were going to
break up with me!Copy !req
387. You think that
makes me feel safe?Copy !req
388. You're right.Copy !req
389. I'm sorry.Copy !req
390. Wait! No!Copy !req
391. I'm not apologizing here.Copy !req
392. We need to bring
this bird back,Copy !req
393. and if I do it, she's
going to think I was involved.Copy !req
394. You made this mess without me.Copy !req
395. You clean it up without me!Copy !req
396. Or what?Copy !req
397. Or maybe I'll do it for you!Copy !req
398. And you...Copy !req
399. have dinner ready
when I get back!Copy !req
400. Look, Ed, school
gets out at 3:00.Copy !req
401. It is 2:15.Copy !req
402. I've been waiting around
for over an hour!Copy !req
403. Sorry, Reese.Copy !req
404. Excuse me.Copy !req
405. Damn, hurry up.
Get in the car.Copy !req
406. Hello, I'm Mrs. Abbott,
Reese's guidance counselor.Copy !req
407. I've been trying to talk
to you about your sonCopy !req
408. for the past three weeks.Copy !req
409. Well, I'm here now.
What can I do for you?Copy !req
410. You have to stop this.Copy !req
411. Stupid game!Copy !req
412. This is ridiculous!Copy !req
413. Everybody in my family
is, like, perfect.Copy !req
414. My mom is president,Copy !req
415. Reese is married
to six supermodels,Copy !req
416. and my dad used
all his moneyCopy !req
417. to fund a search for
extraterrestrials.Copy !req
418. Nothing I do
has any effect whatsoever.Copy !req
419. If I give them money,
if I take it away,Copy !req
420. if I make them ugly,
if I make them Canadian,Copy !req
421. everything works out
beautifully for themCopy !req
422. and horrible for me!Copy !req
423. Dewey just became Pope.Copy !req
424. And I weigh 500 pounds.Copy !req
425. That's it.Copy !req
426. I'm just going to have
to kill them.Copy !req
427. Go to counter, get knife,
kill them.Copy !req
428. No!Copy !req
429. Don't make yourself a sandwich!Copy !req
430. Kill! Kill!Copy !req
431. No, not yourself!Copy !req
432. Don't kill. Don't kill.Copy !req
433. You stupid fat bastard!Copy !req
434. This means nothing!Copy !req
435. So, Dad,
are you going to ground me?Copy !req
436. Boy, your counselor
was furious.Copy !req
437. So how about we head back
to your place,Copy !req
438. you can set up your Jacuzzi,Copy !req
439. and then you can throw something
on the barbecue for me.Copy !req
440. I've got a better idea.Copy !req
441. I'll get in my Jacuzzi,
and you'll fix dinner for me.Copy !req
442. What are you talking about?Copy !req
443. With the information
I just got on you,Copy !req
444. I can call your motherCopy !req
445. and you won't see
daylight for years.Copy !req
446. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
447. One word, and I'm telling
your wife your little secret.Copy !req
448. I guess the question is:
am I more scared of my wifeCopy !req
449. or are you more scared
of your mother?Copy !req
450. Then get a dozen
peach roses—Copy !req
451. they got to be peach—Copy !req
452. and run them over
to Mrs. Malone's.Copy !req
453. Lavernia, I'm sorry.Copy !req
454. I just talked to my wife,
and it turns outCopy !req
455. this was all a big
misunderstanding.Copy !req
456. She's sorry, too,
and we just want you to have...Copy !req
457. I guess I should have putCopy !req
458. a blanket on this
on the way over.Copy !req
459. I just want you to know
that I...Copy !req
460. Okay, boys, look,
we have come a long way,Copy !req
461. and today is the day we show
what we're made of!Copy !req
462. Now, who are we?Copy !req
463. The forces of good!Copy !req
464. And who's evil?Copy !req
465. The Gophers!Copy !req
466. We've got a schedule
change, Coach.Copy !req
467. The Gophers didn't show up,Copy !req
468. so you're playing
the Blackhawks again.Copy !req
469. Don't worry, I'll call it
before it gets too ugly.Copy !req
470. We're playing
the Blackhawks again?Copy !req
471. Boys, boys, listen to me.Copy !req
472. You're forgetting your mission.Copy !req
473. You're here to fight evil,Copy !req
474. and the Blackhawks
are the most evil of all.Copy !req
475. You know when the teacher
remembers to give you homeworkCopy !req
476. right before you're leaving
school at the end of the day?Copy !req
477. The Blackhawks are behind it.Copy !req
478. When your mother saysCopy !req
479. you can't watch TV,
for no reason,Copy !req
480. the Blackhawks
told her to say that.Copy !req
481. And when you didn't get
the Christmas presentsCopy !req
482. that you wanted,
do you know who got them?Copy !req
483. The Blackhawks.Copy !req
484. If it were up to them,Copy !req
485. we wouldn't even have
a Christmas.Copy !req
486. I for one am glad
that we have the chance to fightCopy !req
487. for what is right and good
in this world!Copy !req
488. Now, I ask you boys,
who are we going to beat?Copy !req
489. The Blackhawks!Copy !req
490. And what are they?
Evil!Copy !req
491. Yeah!Copy !req
492. Teams take the field!Copy !req
493. I love you boys.
(chuckles)Copy !req
494. I've done all the
coaching I can do.Copy !req
495. The rest is up to them.Copy !req
496. No...Copy !req
497. Eat chalk, evildoer!Copy !req
498. Oh, my God.
No.Copy !req
499. We couldn't stop them
if we wanted to.Copy !req
500. So you just left
the truck thereCopy !req
501. and ran all the way home?Copy !req
502. Hey, you didn't see
the look on her face.Copy !req
503. I'm kind of scared to even
go into work tomorrow.Copy !req
504. You know, she does
have a turtle.Copy !req