Malcolm in the Middle 3x13

1. Dewey!

2. Come on out, honey!

3. How did he find out he was going

4. to the doctor this morning?

5. Well, I certainly didn't say anything.

6. Dewey!

7. Son?

8. (echoes): Dewey!

9. Dewey, come on out!

10. We love you, son!

11. Dewey, come on, we're going to be late.

12. Oh... poor little thing.

13. Go start the car.

14. Awesome dinner, Mom.

15. Those are the best fish sticks

16. I've had in my entire life.

17. Seriously, I don't know how you do it.

18. The microwave.

19. But for the perfect amount of time.

20. Well, I better clear my plate

21. and get started on my homework.

22. At first, I thought it was a brain tumor,

23. but tomorrow, he's old enough

24. to get his learner's permit.

25. He's on his best behavior

26. until after he passes the test.

27. Can I get anyone a nice cup of peppermint tea?

28. Helps digestion.

29. Mom and Dad have been looking

30. for any excuse to ground him,

31. but he hasn't screwed up once

32. in, like, three weeks.

33. It's actually getting kind of boring.

34. Ow!

35. Didn't think so.

36. Remember, Dad, you're picking me up

37. from school tomorrow to take me to the DMV.

38. I wouldn't miss it, son.

39. Dear God, what are we going to do?

40. What can we do?

41. He hasn't done anything wrong.

42. Oh, please, it's Reese.

43. We just haven't looked hard enough.

44. Hal, we're going to have to face it.

45. That kid is going to be mobile.

46. Reese surrounded by 6,000 pounds of steel

47. and 20 gallons of explosive fuel.

48. It's like giving a shark a submachine gun.

49. I'll get it.

50. Hello.

51. Hey, Dad.

52. Francis, hi, how are you?

53. We haven't heard from you in so long.

54. Yeah, well,

55. you know how I've always been kind of impulsive

56. and independent-minded, but basically

57. just unlucky?

58. What?

59. Well, there's been a certain incident here,

60. and without getting bogged down by the blame game,

61. let's just say there have been some damages.

62. That's why you're calling?

63. Francis, no, you can't do that anymore.

64. You're on your own.

65. You've emancipated yourself, remember?

66. You can't come running back to your parents for money

67. at the first sign of trouble anymore.

68. I'm not running to my parents.

69. I'm calling as one adult to another

70. for an adult... loan.

71. No. No, you've made whatever mess you've made

72. and you take care of it.

73. I have been taking care of it.

74. I already got Big Red to cut me the lumber

75. in exchange for a pair of fur-lined boots.

76. I got my friend Pete to make the boots

77. but only because I promised him

78. a new set of teeth

79. and, as you probably know, teeth don't come cheap

80. and that's where you...

81. Hey, Dave, you know that digital camera

82. that Bernie got that you like so much?

83. Yeah?

84. Well, what would you pay

85. if I could get it for you?

86. You can get Bernie to give up his camera?

87. Absolutely.

88. I've been waiting for this my whole life.

89. Once I'm driving, everything changes.

90. All I have to do is stay out of trouble for the next 16 hours

91. and I'm home free.

92. How's that?

93. A little tighter on this side.

94. Okay, you're all set.

95. Now, remember, do not untie me until the morning,

96. no matter what I say or how much I beg.

97. Got it.

98. Uh-oh. I got to go to the bathroom.

99. Too bad.

100. Just testing.

101. Thanks, buddy.

102. It's weird, but Reese suddenly doesn't seem

103. as irritating as he used to.

104. It's amazing what a driver's license

105. can do for a relationship.

106. Hi.

107. Dewey, I am warning you.

108. If you even touch me,

109. you can forget about me ever driving you anywhere

110. for the rest of your life.

111. I have nowhere to go.

112. Hello.

113. Hi, Lois, it's Craig.

114. Craig, I can't talk right now.

115. I'm on the other line.

116. It's okay, this will only take a second.

117. I have something to say to you

118. that I only feel comfortable saying

119. because we're like family.

120. Your son Malcolm is a filthy vandal.

121. What?

122. He threw eggs all over the front of my new apartment—

123. him and his little wheelchair friend.

124. They wanted some free Lucky Aide candy.

125. I said no. The next thing I know, it's like D-Day here.

126. Malcolm! Get in here!

127. You'd think I'd be the last person he'd target

128. after I forgave your family for burning my old place down,

129. which, I'd like to remind you again, I hardly ever mention.

130. Craig, I am so sorry.

131. Well, boys will be boys.

132. All I want is for him to come over and clean it up,

133. and if he could stop and get me a nonfat latte along the way

134. that would be great.

135. Don't worry, he's on his way.

136. What is the matter with you?

137. Throwing eggs at Craig's front door?

138. What are you talking about?

139. I did it. I did it.

140. You passed the test?

141. I aced it.

142. You got five wrong.

143. Yeah, but I got 11 right, and that's good enough

144. for my learner's permit.

145. Man, if the DMV was running my school,

146. I'd be, like, a "C" student.

147. Well, congratulations.

148. Dad, you sent that check to the driving school, right?

149. Yes, Reese.

150. You're sure you signed it.

151. It's not going to bounce or anything?

152. Everything is fine, Reese.

153. Just go there straight after school tomorrow.

154. You guys are the best.

155. I promise when you're old and crazy,

156. I'll drive to the home and visit you.

157. Maybe we could go for a drive around the park.

158. Would you like that?

159. I can't wait.

160. Why are you still here?

161. Get over to Craig's.

162. Start cleaning.

163. Mom, I didn't throw anything

164. at his front door, I swear.

165. Malcolm, why would a grown man lie

166. about something like that?

167. I lied because I needed your help.

168. I finally got my insurance settlement.

169. This receiver works in both SRS 5.1 and DTS.

170. Unidirectional subwoofer for surround sound.

171. Progressive-scan DVD player.

172. Plays both AIFF and MP3 formats on either CDs or CD-Rs.

173. I figured you'd be comfortable

174. with this level of electronics.

175. I mean, the guys at the store

176. couldn't find their graphic equalizers

177. with two hands and a flashlight.

178. You dragged me over here to hook up your stereo?

179. Can't you get one of your friends to help you do this?

180. And tick off the other friends I didn't ask?

181. Malcolm, this goes far beyond just a stereo.

182. This is going to be

183. the greatest entertainment center ever.

184. Have you ever wanted to be the best at something?

185. Not just good, I don't mean great,

186. I mean the absolute best?

187. I don't know.

188. Well, I have.

189. Ever since I was a kid watching Land of the Lost

190. on my tiny black-and-white six-inch,

191. I knew there'd be a day...

192. a day when I could create my own high-def universe...

193. a magical realm where fantasy and technology

194. intersect at my every whim

195. because I am the king.

196. So your lifelong dream

197. was to become the world's best TV watcher?

198. Yeah.

199. I'm in.

200. I still can't believe it.

201. For the first time ever, I'm going to be...

202. behind the wheel.

203. He keeps doing that.

204. Mom, I have to go to Craig's today after school.

205. You still have more to clean up?

206. Yeah, I made a hell of a mess.

207. Hey, Dewey, I want you to know

208. there's no hard feelings

209. about the last couple of weeks.

210. Because you're going to suffer every day

211. for the next ten years.

212. Yep, brand-new.

213. College boy got 'em for me.

214. Warm, are they? Oh, yeah.

215. Oh, this is awesome.

216. Willie's grandson is really going to love this.

217. Just remember, you got to get that sled team

218. out to Camp Three for me before dark.

219. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

220. You've driven dogs before, right?

221. Because it gets pretty tricky.

222. What do I look like?

223. Stop worrying.

224. Hey, Neil, you know how to drive a dog team, right?

225. Yeah.

226. Do you still have a crush on Joe's sister?

227. Yeah, but Joe won't let me date her

228. just 'cause I'm Irish and I got a bounty on my head.

229. Let me see what I can do.

230. Sorry.

231. Sorry.

232. Sorry.

233. Ooh, sorry.

234. I'm sorry.

235. Ooh, sorry.

236. Damn it.

237. I thought I paid this gas bill already.

238. You're doing great.

239. Turn right up here.

240. I think you're ready for street driving.

241. What? Jackie's been driving for half an hour.

242. Her turn is over.

243. It's only been ten minutes, Reese.

244. No, it hasn't— I've been timing you.

245. You've been driving exactly 27 minutes.

246. You're going to start using up my turn.

247. When did you learn how to tell time?

248. Faced. It's digital.

249. I can't believe I have to be in the same car

250. as a low-life like you.

251. Oh, I'm a low-life?

252. You're the one that spends ever day at lunch

253. sucking on a straw that's been under my armpit.

254. You pig!

255. That's it. I've had it.

256. I don't even know what text-messaging is.

257. How can they charge me 15 bucks a month for it?

258. Malcolm.

259. You can't connect those cables.

260. Their impedance values aren't equal.

261. You'll get a reflected transmission.

262. That's what the high-speed scan modulation is for.

263. Trust me, 480p is

264. more than enough to take care of it.

265. But then I can't use the analog pre-amp to play my SACDs.

266. You're tired. You're not thinking right.

267. Did it ever occur to you that I might be using

268. single-ended interconnects for the front left-right speakers?

269. Are you mad?

270. You can't do that.

271. Just watch me.

272. I know it sounds weird, but this is

273. the most fulfilling conversation I've had in weeks.

274. Isn't there supposed to be some signal

275. that tells the other cars to get out of the way?

276. Does anyone see a thingy

277. of one-cent stamps by their feet?

278. It's been 45 minutes.

279. I'm not going to get my turn.

280. Okay, pull over.

281. Finally.

282. I just need to go to the post office.

283. Oh, God, look at that line.

284. What are you doing?

285. It's my turn.

286. Oh, sorry, Reese, it doesn't look

287. like we'll have enough time,

288. but you got very valuable watching experience.

289. We'll get to you next week.

290. Slide over.

291. No way.

292. (burps) Ugh.

293. I at least get to drive back

294. to the stupid school.

295. I'm not going home without at least

296. touching the steering wheel.

297. What was that?

298. You crashed.

299. No, I didn't.

300. The car's not even in drive.

301. Yeah, well,

302. you're behind the wheel.

303. What are you going to do now, hotshot?

304. I'm so sorry, I...

305. (horns honking) So, let's see.

306. We've got grand theft auto,

307. malicious crashing and what else?

308. Oh, yeah, kidnapping me.

309. I always knew you'd go to prison.

310. I just figured it'd be after prom.

311. Will you shut up and let me think about this?

312. Do you realize you are driving 20 miles an hour on a freeway?

313. Hey, I'm not getting a speeding ticket

314. on top of everything else.

315. Now will you just leave me alone for a couple of minutes

316. and let me figure this out?

317. Ha!

318. Okay, don't panic.

319. It's just a cop. That's nothing.

320. You can handle one stupid cop.

321. Oh, man.

322. What are you doing?

323. Aren't you pulling over?

324. I don't know.

325. I think I'm still going.

326. Reese, if you're being chased by the cops

327. and they say "pull over," you have to do it.

328. That's a law.

329. Yeah, well, even so.

330. You can't...

331. You know, that's a really good plan, Reese.

332. I just see one little problem with it.

333. This is a Driver's Ed car!

334. Those cheap sons of...

335. (overlapping clamoring) There no sense screaming to me about Francis.

336. I haven't seen him.

337. I spent five hours digging post holes

338. because he promised me a satellite dish.

339. He promised me a satellite dish.

340. And where the hell is my George Foreman grill?

341. I'm just as mad as the rest of you.

342. I'm pretty sure these teeth came off a dead guy.

343. Taste like a Canadian.

344. Well, he's through taking advantage of me,

345. I can tell you that.

346. Well, Pierre, your identical American cousin

347. is in a heap of trouble.

348. Oui.

349. Another half turn. Easy, easy...

350. Don't strip it.

351. Got it.

352. Beautiful.

353. Now all we have to do is adjust it and we're done.

354. Congratulations.

355. I got to admit, it was pretty hairy there.

356. Especially with those hub connectors.

357. Stripping that extra quarter inch

358. off the copper leads was inspired.

359. I hardly even remember it.

360. I was running on pure adrenaline.

361. You know what, Craig, I got to tell you,

362. this was a lot of fun.

363. I actually enjoyed spending time with you.

364. You didn't have to lie to get me over here.

365. Yes, I did.

366. Yeah, okay.

367. But you wouldn't now.

368. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you know...

369. I'm sorry for all the times we made you miserable.

370. It's okay.

371. You're a good guy.

372. I like you.

373. Run down and check the signal, will you?

374. Okay.

375. And try not to screw it up...

376. buddy.

377. We're getting 42%.

378. Try moving the dish a little to the right.

379. A little more. 57...

380. Up a little more.

381. 61...

382. a low speed chase involving a teenager,

383. a Driver's Ed car

384. and what appears to be a hostage.

385. It all happened so fast.

386. He just took off.

387. With my checkbook and all my financial papers in the car.

388. That's not an excuse.

389. I just hope that B of A understands the situation.

390. Although the hostage seems to be unharmed,

391. it's only a matter of time before the police decide

392. to end it one way or the other.

393. Oh, no!

394. Now they're never going to let me drive.

395. How's it looking?

396. Malcolm?

397. Malcolm?

398. I can't hear you.

399. You're not watching without me, are you?

400. Malcolm!

401. Malcolm!

402. Just let me talk to him

403. and I can end this in five minutes.

404. I'm sorry, ma'am, I don't think that's a good idea.

405. We have trained psychologists

406. to handle kids in these situations.

407. We know how they think.

408. Think? My son doesn't think.

409. He's just driving around in circles.

410. He's made three laps around the city already.

411. There's our dry cleaner again.

412. Here's another picture of my brother

413. you can show on TV.

414. Just get him on the phone and let me handle this.

415. I'm the only one who knows how.

416. Trust me, we have this under control.

417. Don't think I don't know what's going to happen.

418. You're going to do your standard police thing

419. and my son is going to get killed in a hail of gunfire.

420. Ma'am, that almost never happens.

421. Just get him on the phone!

422. And you tell him, if he ever wants to see daylight again,

423. he'll pull over this instant!

424. Your mother wants you to know

425. that she loves you and...

426. He has ten seconds to pull over that damn car, or I will...

427. give you lots of hugs and kisses.

428. You heard your mom, you're not in trouble.

429. Can you pull over now?

430. That's not my mom.

431. Please, dear God...

432. I know I haven't been a saint, but I swear if you...

433. No, Daddy, this is not my fault.

434. I'm just a passenger.

435. How is this making you look like a chump?

436. I'm the one...

437. Hold on.

438. Hello? No.

439. No, I'm on the other line.

440. If you want to talk to him so bad,

441. use the bullhorn thingy.

442. Hi, I'm back.

443. No, I was not talking to Mom. It was the...

444. Daddy, I don't care who she's...

445. No, I will not tell her.

446. You have to stop putting me in...

447. Go ahead, you know what? Go ahead

448. cancel the card... cancel all my cards.

449. I'm going to be in this car for the rest of my life anyway.

450. Okay, I've got an idea. What?

451. There's a railroad crossing about a mile ahead.

452. If we jump out a split second

453. before the train squashes the car,

454. we can start new lives as circus people.

455. Reese, come on. This is getting scary.

456. What are you going to do?

457. This is your last warning.

458. Pull over or you will be forced from the road.

459. Jackie, I have to tell you something.

460. Just because I hate you,

461. doesn't mean I'm not sorry.

462. What?

463. I didn't mean to get you into this.

464. It's just that I'm not, you know, I'm not very smart.

465. So when I get in trouble, I panic

466. and then I do things that make it worse.

467. I'm really sorry.

468. And your dad is a tool.

469. Hey, I was just kidding about the kidnapping thing.

470. I mean, you have enough to worry about

471. without me being a jerk about it, right?

472. Wait a second.

473. Jackie, give me your phone.

474. I have a brother who's a total genius.

475. He'll know what to do.

476. How many police cars are chasing you?

477. I don't know, eight, maybe nine.

478. What are we going to do? There's no way out of this.

479. Hey, don't give up.

480. Sometimes things look their darkest

481. right before the sun breaks through.

482. And sometimes you just have to realize that the game is over

483. and that you've lost. The...

484. The only thing left to do is to stop running, stand up

485. and face the consequences like a man. And...

486. And even if the outcome is going to be more horrible

487. than you could've possibly imagined,

488. you can hold your head up high, show some class

489. and end it with dignity.

490. Class.

491. For the love of God, not the stump rooter!

492. No!

493. Where is he going?

494. He's turning.

495. Wow. Nice.

496. It was.

497. Okay, that's impressive.

498. Look, he's pulling over.

499. I think he's going to parallel park.

500. No way.

501. The spot is way too small.

502. He's going too fast and he hasn't given himself

503. enough space on the right!

504. He did it. Now just get out of the damn car, please.

505. Reese, that was amazing.

506. Listen, when the kids at school ask you about this...

507. tell them I got under your bra.

508. I'll call the lawyer and have him meet us there.

509. Cuff him.

510. Give them a reason. Give them a reason.

511. The suspect appears to be resisting.

512. Oh, looks like they're taking out the pepper spray.

513. Why do we have to get dressed like this?

514. It's Reese's hearing.

515. Because when the judge looks over at us,

516. I want him to see that Reese comes from a respectable family

517. that loves him very much.

518. Why aren't they trying him as an adult?

519. Come on, we got to go.

520. I have to go to Craig's after.

521. Jellybean is getting his cast off

522. and he wants me to videotape it.

523. Craig's talking already? Good for him.

524. I was really creeped out about that whole

525. "one blink, yes, two blinks, no" stuff.

526. No, you got it the other way around, Hal.

527. One blink means "no."

528. So the soup was too hot.