Malcolm in the Middle 3x11

Directed by Todd Holland

Lauren Storm as Laurie • Magic Johnson as Ringer Hockey Player • Bradley Whitford as Meg's Husband • Stephen Root as John Pratt • Christina Ricci as Kelly

Juicy guest casting and ingenious plotting enliven an hourlong episode that airs in the plum post-Super Bowl slot. One storyline unfolds at Hal's company picnic, where Lois clashes with a blabby wife and her beleaguered spouse; and Hal runs afoul of his new boss and the big cheese. In Alaska, Francis's scheme to win a bet involves rigging a hockey game that pits loggers vs. a fearsome women's squad led by a blowhard coach.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. There it is.

2. Kill it.

3. Dewey, a spider has just as much right

4. to live as you or I.

5. Besides, it's unlucky to kill it in the house.

6. Okay.

7. Hello, little fella.

8. Come on, sweetheart.

9. Oh!

10. Go! Go! Go!

11. (screaming) Open the door! Open the door!

12. Front or back or side?

13. Side. No, back. No, front! Front!

14. Oh, my God, did we just...?

15. Go.

16. She can only ground me.

17. Get your keys and go.

18. But... Go!

19. My dad's company picnic is tomorrow.

20. Laurie Millbrook is going to be there.

21. I've kind of had a crush on her since third grade.

22. I haven't seen her since she moved across town last year.

23. I've grown about four inches since then,

24. but I can't just count on that.

25. If I do, like, 10,000 of these tonight,

26. I should have something to show by tomorrow.

27. Dewey, no candy tomorrow.

28. Do you understand?

29. But I'll be fine.

30. No, you won't.

31. What happened at the last company picnic?

32. I got in a fight with that redheaded boy.

33. And why did you do that?

34. 'Cause I ate candy.

35. Because you ate candy.

36. You do not metabolize sugar well.

37. You get mean and crazy,

38. you get into fights and you end up crying.

39. Do you want that to happen again this year?

40. No. No.

41. Now go get ready for bed.

42. Okay.

43. What do you think? This..

44. or this?

45. What are you doing?

46. This is an important office function, Lois.

47. It's a company picnic.

48. A picnic attended by my new boss,

49. whom I haven't met yet.

50. I have to start off on the right foot.

51. Hal, you're making too much of this.

52. No, I am not.

53. If I've learned one thing

54. it's that you have to make a good first impression.

55. It sets a tone for the entire relationship.

56. Hal, this is your new supervisor

57. Ms. Plum.

58. Great to meet you, Hal.

59. I'm really looking forward to working with you.

60. Same here.

61. (singsongy): Oh, and what do we have here?

62. (singsongy): My big fat stomach.

63. You know, I'd like you to meet your staff

64. but I'm not quite sure where everyone went.

65. It is great to meet you, Mr. Jacobson.

66. I just want you to know

67. that I am going to do a terrific job for you.

68. Well, that's great, Hal. I'm sure you are.

69. Have you met my daughter and son-in-law?

70. No, I haven't had the pleasure.

71. Kelly? Steve?

72. I want you to meet somebody.

73. Hi, I'm Hal.

74. Hi, Hal.

75. So, nice...

76. Oh, oh!

77. Oh, my God!

78. There's a toothpick in my eye!

79. She's gushing blood.

80. For God's sakes, somebody put a tourniquet on her neck!

81. I'm outside of my body.

82. I can see a light.

83. Grandma, is that you?

84. You son of a bitch!

85. I'm going to chew off your face!

86. I'm going to spit it out

87. and I'm going to dance on it!

88. I'm going to kill you!

89. I'm going to drag your carcass

90. through the streets!

91. She's got a toothpick in her eye!

92. It's like a chess game, Lois.

93. Every subtle move is vital.

94. (grunting) Eight...

95. Oh, my God!

96. What'd you do? You're huge!

97. Shut up. I'd be careful.

98. You might frighten Laurie with your savage manliness.

99. Who says I'm doing it for Laurie?

100. Oh, so Laurie's fair game, then?

101. I wonder if she likes older men.

102. Reese, don't.

103. Look, I really like this girl.

104. Please.

105. It's my first chance to see her

106. since she moved away.

107. I'm asking you as a brother.

108. Please don't be a jerk and screw this up.

109. Wow, this desperate groveling is new for you.

110. Keep it up.

111. You call yourselves a hockey team?

112. If we're going to beat McAllister Oil,

113. you're going to have to play

114. a hell of a lot better than that.

115. You're making stupid mistakes.

116. You're missing opportunities.

117. You got to keep your mind on the game.

118. Are our paychecks here yet?

119. Aren't you done with that sink yet?

120. Are you kidding?

121. There's more in here than when I started.

122. You're not leaving till that sink is finished.

123. It would go a lot faster if Eric were helping.

124. I'm not letting my star player anywhere near that toxic filth.

125. I slave away all day by myself

126. just because he plays hockey?

127. He doesn't just play hockey.

128. He skates like the wind.

129. And he's got a 70-mile-an-hour slap shot.

130. Well, indoors... fresh ice.

131. We're going to teach those thugs from the oil rig a lesson

132. they'll never forget.

133. Those chicks won't know what hit 'em.

134. You're playing girls?

135. Well, the men won't play us till we beat their ladies team.

136. We're fed up with those girls.

137. They play dirty, they make fun of us

138. and they steal our women.

139. Wow. People who are actually more humiliated than me.

140. I'd love to see that.

141. Wish granted.

142. You're our new equipment manager.

143. What?

144. Renaldo came down with jock lung.

145. Here's your check.

146. Here you go, Eric.

147. There's a little something extra in there for you.

148. Thanks.

149. Wait a minute.

150. There's no money in this check.

151. It says I owe you $14.

152. I didn't even buy anything last week.

153. There's been some cost of living increases.

154. Your room, your board, your pillow rental,

155. then there's those rubber gloves

156. you insist on wearing, princess.

157. This is insane.

158. I'm not going to work 60 hours a week

159. and still end up owing you money.

160. I quit.

161. Fine. Just give me the $604 you racked up

162. since you got here, you're free to go.

163. What?

164. How could I possibly have $604 when you keep taking all my money?

165. Well, then shut up!

166. And get back to work.

167. And you better not

168. let your equipment manager duties

169. get in the way of your real work.

170. Man, that sucks.

171. Hello.

172. Malcolm, great. It's me— Francis.

173. Listen, I'm in a real bind up here...

174. Francis, I don't have any money.

175. Wait, hear me out.

176. Tell Mom they're sending

177. all the smart kids to Washington, DC.

178. Hit her up for $600 and then just spend

179. a long a weekend at Stevie's...

180. Reese, phone.

181. Hello.

182. Reese, great.

183. Um, you know that hardware store on Second?

184. Okay, they've got a real slippery entryway...

185. Dewey, phone.

186. Francis?

187. Yep.

188. Money? Yep.

189. I don't know why I go to these things.

190. I am so nervous.

191. My stomach sounds like a bunch of dogs fighting.

192. Listen to this.

193. Put your ear down there.

194. Hal, you'll be fine.

195. What are you doing?

196. Just keep moving.

197. Hal, do you even know your new boss is here?

198. Are you kidding? They're all here.

199. There's Landon.

200. He's the head of the whole company.

201. Of course the new guy's here.

202. Don't talk nonsense!

203. Well, you've never met the man.

204. Do you even know who you're hiding from?

205. That's a good point.

206. Barry, is the new boss here yet?

207. Yeah. He's right over there.

208. Let me know when you're going to introduce yourself.

209. Most of us figure

210. you're going to set him on fire.

211. Hey, no fair giving him ideas. Bet's off.

212. Come on, fellas, I'm nervous enough as it is.

213. Hal, we're just teasing you.

214. Come on. You'll do fine.

215. You and I both know that's a lie.

216. Yeah, well, I tried.

217. Oh, hi, Mom.

218. Splendid day for a picnic.

219. You want to do this the easy way

220. or the hard way?

221. The hard way.

222. Spread 'em.

223. Honey, I'm not always going to be around to do this.

224. You have to control yourself.

225. I know.

226. Undies.

227. Malcolm?

228. Laurie, hi.

229. It's so good to see you.

230. Yeah... good to see you, too.

231. Wow, I can't believe how tall you are.

232. Yeah... well, you know.

233. Oh, man,

234. I've missed you guys so much.

235. I've missed you, too...

236. I mean, we've all missed you.

237. Everyone. Not just me.

238. Hey, are you doing that three-legged scavenger hunt?

239. The what? They tie your leg

240. to another person and send you off

241. into the woods to find stuff.

242. It might be fun. Plus you can win $100.

243. I just need a partner.

244. Do you want to do it?

245. Really?

246. Yeah. It sounds great.

247. Cool.

248. Is that your brother?

249. Hi, Reese.

250. Sorry, I'm gay.

251. Okay.

252. You work for the company or are you a drag-along?

253. Definitely a drag-along.

254. Oh, me, too. Me, too.

255. My husband drags me along to these functions,

256. then he runs off and talks to his friends.

257. I hide. Hide?

258. From my kids.

259. It's so great to have somebody to talk to.

260. I'm really so bad at social situations.

261. My psychiatrist says

262. that I'm emotionally detached

263. and that I have paranoid fantasies

264. about what people are thinking about me.

265. Uh-huh.

266. Yeah.

267. Sometimes it can get really ugly.

268. False accusations, crying jags.

269. I don't know why my husband married me.

270. Oh, I mean, I know why I married him, of course.

271. Because I'm addicted to disapproval.

272. Ah. Really?

273. Oh, yeah, yeah.

274. Of course, I only have myself to blame

275. because he's exactly like my father was.

276. Oh, my God, he was so judgmental.

277. Every time I opened my mouth,

278. I felt like I was torturing him.

279. Go! Good hustle!

280. Nice slashing!

281. Guys, let's go!

282. Keep it moving!

283. Keep your legs moving!

284. Good!

285. Push it!

286. Good move, Wendy!

287. Don't relax!

288. Wow, they're good.

289. They got nothing on my boy.

290. How's the diarrhea?

291. You feeling all right?

292. Tip-top.

293. Hey, Coach, there's Lavernia.

294. I hear she might actually have a team this year.

295. You think we ought to adjust the front line?

296. Clarence... Clarence.

297. What?

298. Oh, hey, Lavernia.

299. I was afraid

300. you'd show your face.

301. Not that I was afraid you'd play me—

302. just that you'd show your face. Ha!

303. Hello, Clarence.

304. I thought you only gave your pep talks in your van.

305. Ah, you'll get a boyfriend one of these days.

306. You'll have that moment of bliss,

307. and then you'll bite his head off

308. and lay your rotten eggs down his decapitated body.

309. Come on, was that comment necessary?

310. That's exactly why people don't like you.

311. People like me.

312. Who doesn't like me?

313. I got a good feeling about today.

314. Look at these girls.

315. They're not so tough.

316. Wait till I get out there.

317. I'm going to go...

318. How's my breath?

319. It seems fine.

320. Not too minty?

321. 'Cause that can be just as bad.

322. Please give me back my compact.

323. Okay, get in, get out.

324. Just say hello and go.

325. Nope.

326. Mr. Landon, hello.

327. Hey, Hal.

328. I told you about the first time I met this guy, right?

329. The urinal cake guy.

330. Unbelievable.

331. But I didn't fire him.

332. He's turned out to be one of our finest

333. systems managers.

334. Just goes to show you that even a gibbering idiot

335. can surprise you.

336. Oh, you know, sir, that would make a great chapter heading

337. for your new book.

338. I thought he dropped his pill case.

339. Excuse me for being considerate.

340. Hi. John Pratt!

341. It is a pleasure to meet you!

342. Hi.

343. You are a hard man to find.

344. I finally had to have someone point you out.

345. Well, it's not like I'm avoiding you.

346. I had heard you had a great sense of humor.

347. I know it's just going to be great working with you.

348. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

349. Well, I-I should get back to my family now.

350. Oh, right, right.

351. I'm sorry to hold you up.

352. It is a real pleasure to meet you, Mr. Landon.

353. Same here.

354. All right, boys, you got ten minutes.

355. Leave your wallets and other valuables in here.

356. And hustle up.

357. We got to get out on the ice and warm up.

358. I don't think I can play.

359. My glute cramped up on the ride over.

360. You have to play.

361. Go lay down on that table.

362. You.

363. Get over there.

364. Give him a good, strong massage.

365. Work that knot out of his glute.

366. Out of his what?

367. No way!

368. He's our goalie. We need him.

369. No!

370. Look, you owe me $604.

371. You do this, I'll take off a dollar fifty.

372. A dollar fifty?

373. And if you don't,

374. I'll charge you 50 bucks for the ride home.

375. The rest of you get out there!

376. (players shouting) Show them what you got.

377. Here, you're responsible for these valuables

378. till after the game.

379. Don't be afraid to dig in deep.

380. If it helps, I'll unhitch the trapdoor.

381. Get up, you idiot!

382. What, are you stupid?

383. I said hustle to the crease!

384. Hustle!

385. Hey, I was just hanging out in the locker room

386. and the other coach approached me.

387. What's that gin-soaked, reptilian sack of dog logs

388. trying to pull now?

389. He wants to make a little wager with you

390. on the outcome of the game.

391. $642 to be exact.

392. I don't bet.

393. I earn my money, and I hold on to it.

394. Yeah, he said you'd be afraid.

395. Oh, he did?

396. He also said that John Grisham was a hack

397. with no sense of plot and a tin ear for dialogue.

398. What?

399. He said that about Mr. Grisham?

400. All right, he wants to bet, we'll bet.

401. Tell him to make it $700.

402. He was pretty adamant about the $642.

403. Fine.

404. Hey, Chuck!

405. I need you to hold on to some bet money.

406. Okay.

407. That idiot Clarence has no idea

408. what we've got in store for him.

409. Go, go!

410. Go!

411. Oh, ho-ho!

412. Easiest $700 I ever made.

413. I don't know what's with my skates.

414. The blades are so dull.

415. Hey, somebody unscrewed mine.

416. I got Vaseline all over my grip tape.

417. Go, go, go, go!

418. He is never home.

419. The last time that we had dinner together

420. was six months ago.

421. And that was with his boss.

422. Oh, and did I tell you about our anniversary?

423. I bought $30 worth of candles.

424. $30 worth.

425. And I was wearing a negligee the size of a postage stamp.

426. He walks in an hour late, goes straight to the computer

427. and spends the next six hours in a chat room.

428. I drank an entire bottle of champagne.

429. Then I passed out and I woke up the next morning

430. with the dog licking my face.

431. And I actually thought it was my husband.

432. I'm going to go see what my boys...

433. I mean, as if he would ever show me

434. any kind of affection.

435. I mean, as far as he's concerned,

436. I am still the fat lady

437. that answered his psychiatrist's phone.

438. I mean, in my mind

439. I do see myself as a 200-pounder.

440. But I have seen the way that other men look at me.

441. Wanda!

442. Oh, it's so good to see you again.

443. Wanda, this is Meg. Meg, this is Wanda.

444. Why don't you two get to know each other.

445. I'm going to get something to drink.

446. I'll be right back.

447. Um...

448. So, how do you know Lois?

449. Que?

450. I like you. You're fun.

451. I like you, too.

452. Want some of my candy?

453. But he... My... my candy!

454. You fill up on that bread.

455. Better you get sick on that than on candy.

456. You understand me?

457. I got enough to worry about

458. without you going crazy on me.

459. Stay here!

460. Hi, Lois.

461. Are you hiding back here?

462. No, no. Just enjoying the shade.

463. Did you meet your new boss yet?

464. Yep. Well, how did it go?

465. Fine. Good guy. We really hit it off.

466. What happened?

467. What do you mean, "What happened?"

468. It went well. He likes me.

469. Is that such a hard thing to imagine

470. I made a good first impression?

471. Hey, Mr. Landon!

472. You should give me a little credit.

473. Mr. Landon! Hey, boss!

474. Is that man call...

475. Of course he isn't.

476. Whatever you were going to say—

477. whatever that was— he isn't.

478. Hal, I'm not going anywhere until you ex...

479. Lois! Lois!

480. Excuse me.

481. Mr. Landon!

482. So, did I tell you

483. that his mother is coming to visit me this week?

484. I mean, she despises me, but at least she talks to me.

485. My husband, on the other hand

486. hasn't said two words besides "Where's the remote?"

487. and "How far are those going to sag?"

488. This really isn't a good time.

489. And every year

490. he has to go to this stupid get-together

491. for his old friends from college.

492. We're about to walk into this party

493. and he turns to me

494. and he tells me not to say anything stupid.

495. Well, how's a person supposed to respond to that?

496. I embarrass him one time.

497. I mean, big deal

498. I didn't know who Ernest Hemingway was.

499. I mean a lot of people don't.

500. All right, girls. Secure.

501. Okay, Pete and Kathy, you're next.

502. It's so great to see you again, Malcolm.

503. Great to see you, too.

504. For those of you without partners

505. we've done a random pairing.

506. Mike and Cristina.

507. Reese and George.

508. I'm Reese.

509. I'm George.

510. You can call me George.

511. I can eat eight hot dogs.

512. That's good, George.

513. You've got to be kidding me.

514. It's really weird being away

515. from all my friends I grew up with.

516. I'll bet.

517. Malcolm, can I ask you something?

518. Sure.

519. If you liked somebody

520. and you had no idea if they liked you back,

521. would you say something?

522. I've always thought honesty was a good thing.

523. Me, too.

524. But... what if they lived too far away

525. and it'd be really hard?

526. I like you, too, Laurie.

527. I really, really like you.

528. Honestly, you have no idea.

529. I've liked you for years.

530. I think about you all the time.

531. Oh, no.

532. What?

533. Oh, my God.

534. I am so sorry.

535. I was talking about Gary Spindler.

536. Oh, no.

537. Oh. It's okay.

538. No. This is so humiliating

539. and it's all my fault.

540. Oh, Malcolm, I am so sorry.

541. Really, it's not that...

542. Malcolm and Laurie.

543. Now remember,

544. you're only going to be tied together for three hours,

545. so let's get hopping.