Malcolm in the Middle 1x9

1. I hate my brothers.

2. I only like me.

3. I hate my brothers.

4. I only like me.

5. I hate my brothers.

6. I only like me.

7. Stop it right now!

8. I mean it!

9. When are you going to be done?

10. Soon as I can, honey.

11. I said, stop it!

12. I hate my brothers.

13. I only like me.

14. I hate my brothers.

15. I only like me.

16. "Five across.

17. My mother the... blank."

18. I know a lot of kids

19. say they like school,

20. but honestly,

21. I just find it exhausting.

22. I mean, when I am in school,

23. I'm either bored, terrified...

24. or confused

25. about Julie Houlerman.

26. Hi, Malcolm.

27. Perfect example.

28. What does she mean by that?

29. Is it just "hi"?

30. Is she trying to say

31. she likes me?

32. Is she just being nice?

33. And now I have to figure out

34. a secret way to answer her

35. without A)

36. acting like I like her,

37. or B)

38. acting like I don't like her,

39. or C) acting like

40. I've never thought about A or B.

41. Just be pleasant

42. but noncommittal.

43. Hey, Jul...

44. She's doing this to me

45. on purpose.

46. Hey, how are you?

47. Stanley, you are incredible.

48. I thought Malcolm was a genius,

49. but this is off the charts.

50. The school asked

51. for an honor guard.

52. I figured you'd like a few

53. weeks without drill practice.

54. A pageant, though.

55. Beautiful girls

56. with self-esteem issues.

57. It's perfect.

58. Easy. Let's start with

59. the obvious runners-up.

60. They're going to be

61. the neediest.

62. You know, uh, this

63. is a little intense.

64. You, me, working

65. this shelf... together.

66. What's intense about it?

67. I guess nothing.

68. Excuse me.

69. Mom!

70. You're not supposed

71. to yell in the store.

72. Not supposed

73. to do that either.

74. Life's funny that way.

75. Hey... the Three Musketeers.

76. Athos, Aramis...

77. and you must be Porthos.

78. You're creepy.

79. You really shouldn't say

80. hurtful things to grown-ups.

81. I'm sorry.

82. That's okay.

83. We're still friends.

84. Craig...

85. you have got to redo

86. the nail polish.

87. The crystal pinks are mixed

88. with the frosty pinks

89. are mixed with

90. the God knows what.

91. Right away, Mr. Pinter.

92. Okay. I'm off work

93. in five minutes.

94. Don't touch the register.

95. Don't touch the candy,

96. don't touch the price tags

97. and don't touch the microphones.

98. And that includes by accident.

99. That includes just looking.

100. That includes hovering

101. with your finger

102. a half inch away from it.

103. Fair warning.

104. Dare you.

105. Go ahead.

106. You do it.

107. I'll do it.

108. Yeah, right.

109. I will.

110. This isn't baby

111. stuff, Dewey.

112. Yeah, go ride the horsey

113. out front.

114. Horsey.

115. I got to remember that.

116. The microphone, register...

117. candy... price tags...

118. steam cleaner.

119. Boys!

120. It's not what it looks like!

121. Oh, hello, boys.

122. How long you in for?

123. Another hour.

124. Yow.

125. Hi, hon.

126. Hi.

127. Did you see Dewey outside?

128. Oh, what's wrong?

129. I don't know,

130. but something's upsetting him.

131. He didn't say a word

132. on the way home,

133. and now I just can't

134. find him anywhere.

135. Hmm.

136. Hey, I'll check

137. his special place.

138. Dewey?

139. You in there, buddy?

140. No.

141. What's wrong, pal?

142. I did something bad.

143. They told me to ride a horsey,

144. and I'm not a baby,

145. but I would have played

146. with the carpet cleaner,

147. and I didn't have

148. a quarter anyway.

149. Uh-huh. Dewey, honey,

150. Daddy's getting a cramp

151. in his leg.

152. What did you do?

153. I took something

154. from Mommy's store.

155. Well, that's very serious.

156. What did you take?

157. A candy bar?

158. No. It's not

159. a candy bar.

160. Oh? Well, what is it?

161. $150 bottle of cognac?

162. How could you take this?

163. I'm sorry.

164. My God,

165. would you look at this thing?

166. Can you imagine the man

167. who spends 150 bucks

168. on a bottle of cognac?

169. What do you think a guy

170. like that pays for socks?

171. Dewey, what am I

172. going to do with you?

173. This works

174. pretty good, Mom.

175. Go get your jacket; we're

176. going back to the store.

177. You are going to return

178. this bottle to Mr. Pinter,

179. apologize and accept

180. the consequences.

181. What do mean, "fired"?

182. You can't fire me for this.

183. Sorry. Store policy is

184. very clear about stealing.

185. But he didn't steal it;

186. he returned it.

187. It's right there.

188. The bottle is perfect.

189. You can just put it

190. right back on the shelf.

191. I already marked it

192. out of inventory.

193. My hands are tied here.

194. What are you talking about?

195. You don't even do inventory.

196. You foist if off on me because

197. you make so many mistakes.

198. You're not exactly making me

199. regret my decision here, Lois.

200. Mom?

201. Oh, honey, it's

202. okay. It's okay.

203. This is just an excuse.

204. You have hated me

205. since the minute you got here

206. because I was first choice for

207. your job and I turned it down.

208. You know, you think

209. what you want, okay?

210. At least I didn't raise a thief.

211. (loud ripping sound,

212. Pinter yells, workers gasp)

213. Velcro. I win the pool.

214. Sweet home Alabama.

215. Where the skies are so blue.

216. Sweet home Alabama.

217. Lord, I'm coming home

218. to you.

219. Oh, very, very

220. nice, Bridget.

221. That was very nice.

222. Oh, Francis, I wanted

223. to thank you again

224. for being so helpful.

225. Usually, the honor guards

226. just sit around and gawk,

227. but you've really

228. thrown yourself

229. into this whole hog,

230. haven't you?

231. What can I say?

232. I love the theater.

233. Francis, will you help me

234. decide on my leg extensions?

235. Which do you think

236. looks better—

237. right leg...

238. or left leg?

239. Hmm.

240. Can you... do both?

241. It's been ten days

242. since Mom lost her job.

243. Yesterday for dinner,

244. we had macaroni and rice.

245. Today it's rice and macaroni.

246. Mom, I can't eat

247. this stuff anymore.

248. Reese, this is not the time

249. for complaining.

250. I'm not complaining;

251. I'm constipated.

252. I'm sorry, we can't afford

253. to live lavishly anymore.

254. Drink your milk.

255. It's lumpy.

256. Then chew it.

257. Hey, come on, we can do this.

258. We've had to economize before.

259. Remember when Grandma drove

260. into the living room?

261. Or last year, when we were

262. saving up for Disneyland?

263. We're going to Disneyland?

264. No.

265. It's like that.

266. Except this time, we're just

267. trying to keep the house.

268. Okay, everybody, stop worrying.

269. I am going to find another job.

270. Another cashier job

271. with flexible hours

272. that allows me to leave whenever

273. I need to take care of my kids.

274. Well, can't you get

275. unemployment or something?

276. No. I only worked

277. 38 hours a week.

278. They consider that part-time.

279. You know, I hope

280. you are at least learning

281. something

282. from all this.

283. Yeah, if you do

284. something bad, don't tell.

285. No. We did the right thing.

286. That's what's important.

287. Can't we at least do a load

288. of laundry or something?

289. Everything I have stinks.

290. Yeah, he wants to smell

291. good for... Julie!

292. Malcolm.

293. Yeah, yeah.

294. It was worth it.

295. So we can't do laundry,

296. we have to share baths,

297. and yesterday, she had

298. our cable turned off.

299. Our cable!

300. How's your... love life?

301. What?

302. So, basically,

303. everything I tell you

304. in confidence as a friend

305. you're going to use

306. to make fun of me?

307. I have... nothing else.

308. Hi, Malcolm.

309. You want to split lunches?

310. What?

311. Yeah, sure.

312. I have a Chinese chicken

313. salad, a tangerine,

314. and, ooh, Jordan almonds.

315. What do you have?

316. Leftover eggs

317. from breakfast.

318. Oh.

319. Uh, I'm on a special diet,

320. for sports.

321. Oh, I forgot.

322. I have to go...

323. work out.

324. I'll see you later.

325. I can't take

326. this anymore!

327. Everything I want,

328. I can't have!

329. Anything that's nice,

330. I can't do!

331. Everyone in the world

332. gets to do everything except me!

333. Malcolm...

334. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

335. I know there's other people

336. worse off than me.

337. You know what?

338. I don't care.

339. I'm sick of going to school

340. every day smelling like feet!

341. Malcolm...

342. I hate being poor, okay?

343. I mean, is that so bad?

344. Why is that, like,

345. some big character flaw?

346. It's not my fault

347. we're poor!

348. Malcolm!

349. You, um...

350. left your backpack.

351. Maybe you should try taking

352. a really deep breath

353. before you start talking.

354. Yeah.

355. Francis, where have you been?

356. I've been looking for you

357. for days.

358. I'm sorry, Dad.

359. I've just been buried here.

360. Okay, listen, I've got kind of

361. a good news/bad news thing here.

362. Your mom lost her job,

363. and we're pretty broke.

364. The good news is, that makes

365. your tuition an issue.

366. Now, I think I can talk her

367. into letting you come home.

368. Dad, no, I can't come home!

369. Marlin Academy

370. is the best thing

371. that has ever

372. happened to me.

373. I am at a crucial point

374. in my rehabilitation.

375. Uh-huh. What's her name?

376. That's the thing—

377. there's, like, ten of them!

378. Check the peephole.

379. If they've got a hand truck,

380. don't open it.

381. Craig, what are

382. you doing here?

383. Lois, I just had a meeting

384. with Mr. Pinter—

385. well, more like an hour

386. begging, really—

387. but the point is, you can

388. have your old job back!

389. Yes!

390. Craig, that is such good news!

391. And all you have to do

392. is apologize.

393. And let him dock your pay

394. 150 bucks.

395. And you have to work

396. the graveyard shift

397. for a couple months.

398. Oh.

399. Sounds good, Mom.

400. No, thanks.

401. What?

402. You're kidding!

403. Why?

404. Because that's like admitting

405. he's right.

406. I'm not going to do that.

407. Lois, if this makes

408. any difference,

409. I will work every graveyard

410. shift right alongside you—

411. every single one of them.

412. Oh, hi, Craig.

413. What's going on?

414. Nothing. Just business.

415. Take it easy, tiger.

416. We're working.

417. Well, I am.

418. Hi.

419. Back to the grind.

420. Nice guy.

421. Thank you, Tanya.

422. Tanya, that was

423. fantastic.

424. I swear, when you

425. put tap to it,

426. the Pledge of Allegiance

427. just comes alive.

428. One suggestion:

429. do you have a tube top?

430. Oh, Francis, you are

431. just wonderful.

432. I mean, you're so different

433. than the local boys.

434. I mean, I haven't even

435. known you that long,

436. and I already feel

437. so connected to you.

438. I know. It's almost mystical.

439. Yeah. And I'm so glad the

440. gay thing isn't an issue.

441. You're gay?

442. No, no, silly— you are.

443. Wait, you think I'm gay?

444. Oh, you don't have to

445. hide anything, honey.

446. I mean, we're a lot

447. more liberal here

448. than you think we are.

449. I mean, it's not

450. like Birmingham.

451. Wait a minute—

452. you think I'm gay?

453. Why do you think I'm gay?

454. Oh, come on.

455. You like the theater,

456. you're good with decorating,

457. and, well, you're completely

458. obsessed with your mother.

459. Can you undo my hooks?

460. Tanya, I'm kind of having

461. a dilemma here...

462. Oh, great.

463. Frannie, can you spray me?

464. My suit keeps riding up.

465. That's why I'm here...

466. girlfriend.

467. So what did you

468. want to talk about?

469. I'm your teacher.

470. Can't we just talk?

471. You know, that

472. Julie Houlerman

473. is a very special

474. little girl.

475. Oh, come on!

476. Caroline,

477. I don't want to...

478. Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm.

479. So private, so guarded.

480. But you don't have to

481. be that way with me.

482. I'm on your side.

483. Julie knows that— she's

484. not even in my class.

485. She talked to you?

486. About me?

487. What'd she say?

488. Aw, nothing that wasn't

489. obvious already.

490. You know, when you

491. open up to people,

492. you will always

493. be surprised

494. just how well

495. things turn out.

496. Surprise!

497. Isn't it wonderful?

498. Julie organized

499. the whole thing herself,

500. and everyone

501. in school responded.

502. Dear Malcolm, this

503. isn't just food.

504. It's an expression of how

505. we all feel about you.

506. Our hearts go out to you

507. in your time of need.

508. You're going

509. to keep the food?

510. Yes.

511. I'm not going to throw away

512. perfectly good pie filling

513. and... lamb chutney.

514. Don't you even care

515. how humiliating this is?

516. We've done can drives.

517. This is just the

518. crap people find

519. when they clean

520. out the garage.

521. Okay, just stop it.

522. I know how

523. hard this is,

524. but no one ever said

525. life is fair.

526. Sometimes decent,

527. hard-working people

528. get dumped on

529. for no good reason,

530. and they just have

531. to wipe out their eyes

532. and keep on walking.

533. Something will

534. turn up.

535. We just have to hold on

536. a little bit longer.

537. And in the meantime, be

538. thankful for small favors.

539. Anyone want the last olive?

540. Those aren't olives.

541. Those are peaches.

542. Well, you got him here

543. early, that's good.

544. He'll be fine

545. in a few days.

546. Just like when this

547. one ate the frog.

548. I only ate half of it.

549. I won't put

550. the stomach pump on the bill.

551. I mean, he did most

552. of the work on the way over.

553. Thanks, Don. Uh...

554. listen, as far

555. as the bill goes,

556. what kind of neighborhood

557. are we in?

558. Well... the emergency room,

559. couple days

560. of observation—

561. probably three or four.

562. Three or four...

563. hun...?

564. Okay.

565. You boys take

566. care of your dad.

567. I'm going to go see Mr. Pinter

568. and beg for my job back.

569. What? Mom, wait.

570. You don't have

571. to do that.

572. Yes, I do. I don't want to,

573. shouldn't have to,

574. but guess what?

575. I do.

576. But I want you boys

577. to understand something.

578. I am not going back

579. on anything I said before.

580. She's completely

581. going back on it,

582. but I'm not going

583. to kick her when she's down.

584. You're totally

585. going back on it.

586. No, I am not.

587. Everything I said before

588. still goes.

589. You know, sometimes

590. bad things happen

591. and you don't

592. understand why,

593. and you just have to trust that

594. there's a good reason for it.

595. Sure, it's easy

596. to work in mysterious ways

597. when you have a job.

598. The first one who laughs

599. gets their ass kicked.

600. You have

601. incredible hands.

602. Well, it's easy

603. on such a beautiful back.

604. Not to mention

605. the most talented...

606. sweet...

607. sexy...

608. What?

609. Francis...

610. are... are you sure

611. you're really...

612. how you are?

613. Tanya, I'm so confused.

614. I mean, I thought that I was,

615. but when I'm around you,

616. I have these...

617. strange, new feelings.

618. I feel like...

619. maybe I could... change.

620. That you could be

621. the woman who changes me.

622. Oh, Francis...

623. I was hoping you'd say that.

624. I want to be that woman

625. for you.

626. Oh, and don't

627. you worry, honey.

628. If there's one thing

629. we know how to do

630. down here,

631. it's how to fix this.

632. And with God's help,

633. we can say "no!" to weakness.

634. We can say "no!"

635. to all things unnatural!

636. It is procreation,

637. not recreation!

638. And when Satan tempts us,

639. what do we do?

640. Pray out the gay.

641. Get to it!

642. I have to say, Lois,

643. I'm surprised

644. by this change

645. in your attitude.

646. Yeah, well, me, too.

647. I know we've had

648. our differences,

649. but I hope that we

650. can make all this

651. water under the bridge.

652. So, if you'll

653. just sign here...

654. Mm, what's this?

655. Your apology.

656. I think I captured

657. your voice rather nicely.

658. You want it in writing?

659. Yes.

660. Look, Lois, you can

661. tell these clowns

662. whatever you want—

663. that I got on my knees

664. and begged you to come

665. back, I don't care.

666. I just want you and I to

667. know how things really are.

668. That's not a signature.

669. No, it's more

670. of a suggestion.

671. "The horse you rode in on"

672. is optional.

673. Now, look...

674. No, you look.

675. I don't deserve this.

676. The only thing

677. I ever did wrong

678. was all the work I did

679. to cover your butt.

680. Well, we obviously

681. have different

682. definitions of "wrong."

683. Yeah, I guess we do.

684. For instance,

685. I think it's wrong

686. for you to put your name

687. on sales reports

688. that you didn't write.

689. I think it's wrong you keep

690. a little bag of "herbs"

691. in your bottom left drawer.

692. I think it's wrong

693. you slept with

694. the district manager's wife.

695. And you want

696. to know something?

697. You don't even

698. have to worry about it,

699. because I also think it's wrong

700. to blab this kind of thing.

701. You know, you should be so glad

702. that I'm the only one that knows

703. this stuff about you.

704. Anyone else here would sell you

705. down the river in a second.

706. God, I am so much

707. better than you.

708. Yeah, he just ran off

709. and quit for no reason.

710. Huh, who knows why?

711. See, you do

712. the right thing,

713. and everything

714. works out for the best.

715. Clean.

716. I have Ho Hos— real Ho Hos.

717. You know,

718. I'm sure I'm neglecting

719. my spiritual side, but...

720. money rules.

721. The best part is

722. I can finally get everything

723. straightened out with Julie.

724. Hi, Malcolm.

725. Look, we're not poor anymore!

726. So I don't want any more

727. of your stupid pity, okay?

728. That helped, right?