Malcolm in the Middle 1x9

1. I hate my brothers.

2. I only like me.

3. I hate my brothers.

4. I only like me.

5. I hate my brothers.

6. I only like me.

7. Stop it right now!

8. I mean it!

9. When are you going to be done?

10. Soon as I can, honey.

11. I said, stop it!

12. I hate my brothers.

13. I only like me.

14. I hate my brothers.

15. I only like me.

16. "Five across.

17. My mother the... blank."

18. I know a lot of kids

19. say they like school,

20. but honestly,

21. I just find it exhausting.

22. I mean, when I am in school,

23. I'm either bored, terrified...

24. or confused

25. about Julie Houlerman.

26. Hi, Malcolm.

27. Perfect example.

28. What does she mean by that?

29. Is it just "hi"?

30. Is she trying to say

31. she likes me?

32. Is she just being nice?

33. And now I have to figure out

34. a secret way to answer her

35. without A)

36. acting like I like her,

37. or B)

38. acting like I don't like her,

39. or C) acting like

40. I've never thought about A or B.

41. Just be pleasant

42. but noncommittal.

43. Hey, Jul...

44. She's doing this to me

45. on purpose.

46. Hey, how are you?

47. Stanley, you are incredible.

48. I thought Malcolm was a genius,

49. but this is off the charts.

50. The school asked

51. for an honor guard.

52. I figured you'd like a few

53. weeks without drill practice.

54. A pageant, though.

55. Beautiful girls

56. with self-esteem issues.

57. It's perfect.

58. Easy. Let's start with

59. the obvious runners-up.

60. They're going to be

61. the neediest.

62. You know, uh, this

63. is a little intense.

64. You, me, working

65. this shelf... together.

66. What's intense about it?

67. I guess nothing.

68. Excuse me.

69. Mom!

70. You're not supposed

71. to yell in the store.

72. Not supposed

73. to do that either.

74. Life's funny that way.

75. Hey... the Three Musketeers.

76. Athos, Aramis...

77. and you must be Porthos.

78. You're creepy.

79. You really shouldn't say

80. hurtful things to grown-ups.

81. I'm sorry.

82. That's okay.

83. We're still friends.

84. Craig...

85. you have got to redo

86. the nail polish.

87. The crystal pinks are mixed

88. with the frosty pinks

89. are mixed with

90. the God knows what.

91. Right away, Mr. Pinter.

92. Okay. I'm off work

93. in five minutes.

94. Don't touch the register.

95. Don't touch the candy,

96. don't touch the price tags

97. and don't touch the microphones.

98. And that includes by accident.

99. That includes just looking.

100. That includes hovering

101. with your finger

102. a half inch away from it.

103. Fair warning.

104. Dare you.

105. Go ahead.

106. You do it.

107. I'll do it.

108. Yeah, right.

109. I will.

110. This isn't baby

111. stuff, Dewey.

112. Yeah, go ride the horsey

113. out front.

114. Horsey.

115. I got to remember that.

116. The microphone, register...

117. candy... price tags...

118. steam cleaner.

119. Boys!

120. It's not what it looks like!

121. Oh, hello, boys.

122. How long you in for?

123. Another hour.

124. Yow.

125. Hi, hon.

126. Hi.

127. Did you see Dewey outside?

128. Oh, what's wrong?

129. I don't know,

130. but something's upsetting him.

131. He didn't say a word

132. on the way home,

133. and now I just can't

134. find him anywhere.

135. Hmm.

136. Hey, I'll check

137. his special place.

138. Dewey?

139. You in there, buddy?

140. No.

141. What's wrong, pal?

142. I did something bad.

143. They told me to ride a horsey,

144. and I'm not a baby,

145. but I would have played

146. with the carpet cleaner,

147. and I didn't have

148. a quarter anyway.

149. Uh-huh. Dewey, honey,

150. Daddy's getting a cramp

151. in his leg.

152. What did you do?

153. I took something

154. from Mommy's store.

155. Well, that's very serious.

156. What did you take?

157. A candy bar?

158. No. It's not

159. a candy bar.

160. Oh? Well, what is it?

161. $150 bottle of cognac?

162. How could you take this?

163. I'm sorry.

164. My God,

165. would you look at this thing?

166. Can you imagine the man

167. who spends 150 bucks

168. on a bottle of cognac?

169. What do you think a guy

170. like that pays for socks?

171. Dewey, what am I

172. going to do with you?

173. This works

174. pretty good, Mom.

175. Go get your jacket; we're

176. going back to the store.

177. You are going to return

178. this bottle to Mr. Pinter,

179. apologize and accept

180. the consequences.

181. What do mean, "fired"?

182. You can't fire me for this.

183. Sorry. Store policy is

184. very clear about stealing.

185. But he didn't steal it;

186. he returned it.

187. It's right there.

188. The bottle is perfect.

189. You can just put it

190. right back on the shelf.

191. I already marked it

192. out of inventory.

193. My hands are tied here.

194. What are you talking about?

195. You don't even do inventory.

196. You foist if off on me because

197. you make so many mistakes.

198. You're not exactly making me

199. regret my decision here, Lois.

200. Mom?

201. Oh, honey, it's

202. okay. It's okay.

203. This is just an excuse.

204. You have hated me

205. since the minute you got here

206. because I was first choice for

207. your job and I turned it down.

208. You know, you think

209. what you want, okay?

210. At least I didn't raise a thief.

211. (loud ripping sound,

212. Pinter yells, workers gasp)

213. Velcro. I win the pool.

214. (reciting):

215. Sweet home Alabama.

216. Where the skies are so blue.

217. Sweet home Alabama.

218. Lord, I'm coming home

219. to you.

220. Oh, very, very

221. nice, Bridget.

222. That was very nice.

223. Oh, Francis, I wanted

224. to thank you again

225. for being so helpful.

226. Usually, the honor guards

227. just sit around and gawk,

228. but you've really

229. thrown yourself

230. into this whole hog,

231. haven't you?

232. What can I say?

233. I love the theater.

234. Francis, will you help me

235. decide on my leg extensions?

236. Which do you think

237. looks better—

238. right leg...

239. or left leg?

240. Hmm.

241. Can you... do both?

242. It's been ten days

243. since Mom lost her job.

244. Yesterday for dinner,

245. we had macaroni and rice.

246. Today it's rice and macaroni.

247. Mom, I can't eat

248. this stuff anymore.

249. Reese, this is not the time

250. for complaining.

251. I'm not complaining;

252. I'm constipated.

253. I'm sorry, we can't afford

254. to live lavishly anymore.

255. Drink your milk.

256. It's lumpy.

257. Then chew it.

258. Hey, come on, we can do this.

259. We've had to economize before.

260. Remember when Grandma drove

261. into the living room?

262. Or last year, when we were

263. saving up for Disneyland?

264. We're going to Disneyland?

265. No.

266. It's like that.

267. Except this time, we're just

268. trying to keep the house.

269. Okay, everybody, stop worrying.

270. I am going to find another job.

271. Another cashier job

272. with flexible hours

273. that allows me to leave whenever

274. I need to take care of my kids.

275. Well, can't you get

276. unemployment or something?

277. No. I only worked

278. 38 hours a week.

279. They consider that part-time.

280. You know, I hope

281. you are at least learning

282. something

283. from all this.

284. Yeah, if you do

285. something bad, don't tell.

286. No. We did the right thing.

287. That's what's important.

288. Can't we at least do a load

289. of laundry or something?

290. Everything I have stinks.

291. Yeah, he wants to smell

292. good for... Julie!

293. Malcolm.

294. Yeah, yeah.

295. It was worth it.

296. So we can't do laundry,

297. we have to share baths,

298. and yesterday, she had

299. our cable turned off.

300. Our cable!

301. How's your... love life?

302. What?

303. So, basically,

304. everything I tell you

305. in confidence as a friend

306. you're going to use

307. to make fun of me?

308. I have... nothing else.

309. Hi, Malcolm.

310. You want to split lunches?

311. What?

312. Yeah, sure.

313. I have a Chinese chicken

314. salad, a tangerine,

315. and, ooh, Jordan almonds.

316. What do you have?

317. Leftover eggs

318. from breakfast.

319. Oh.

320. Uh, I'm on a special diet,

321. for sports.

322. Oh, I forgot.

323. I have to go...

324. work out.

325. I'll see you later.

326. I can't take

327. this anymore!

328. Everything I want,

329. I can't have!

330. Anything that's nice,

331. I can't do!

332. Everyone in the world

333. gets to do everything except me!

334. Malcolm...

335. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

336. I know there's other people

337. worse off than me.

338. You know what?

339. I don't care.

340. I'm sick of going to school

341. every day smelling like feet!

342. Malcolm...

343. I hate being poor, okay?

344. I mean, is that so bad?

345. Why is that, like,

346. some big character flaw?

347. It's not my fault

348. we're poor!

349. Malcolm!

350. You, um...

351. left your backpack.

352. Maybe you should try taking

353. a really deep breath

354. before you start talking.

355. Yeah.

356. Francis, where have you been?

357. I've been looking for you

358. for days.

359. I'm sorry, Dad.

360. I've just been buried here.

361. Okay, listen, I've got kind of

362. a good news/bad news thing here.

363. Your mom lost her job,

364. and we're pretty broke.

365. The good news is, that makes

366. your tuition an issue.

367. Now, I think I can talk her

368. into letting you come home.

369. Dad, no, I can't come home!

370. Marlin Academy

371. is the best thing

372. that has ever

373. happened to me.

374. I am at a crucial point

375. in my rehabilitation.

376. Uh-huh. What's her name?

377. That's the thing—

378. there's, like, ten of them!

379. Check the peephole.

380. If they've got a hand truck,

381. don't open it.

382. Craig, what are

383. you doing here?

384. Lois, I just had a meeting

385. with Mr. Pinter—

386. well, more like an hour

387. begging, really—

388. but the point is, you can

389. have your old job back!

390. Yes!

391. Craig, that is such good news!

392. And all you have to do

393. is apologize.

394. And let him dock your pay

395. 150 bucks.

396. And you have to work

397. the graveyard shift

398. for a couple months.

399. Oh.

400. Sounds good, Mom.

401. No, thanks.

402. What?

403. You're kidding!

404. Why?

405. Because that's like admitting

406. he's right.

407. I'm not going to do that.

408. Lois, if this makes

409. any difference,

410. I will work every graveyard

411. shift right alongside you—

412. every single one of them.

413. Oh, hi, Craig.

414. What's going on?

415. Nothing. Just business.

416. Take it easy, tiger.

417. We're working.

418. Well, I am.

419. Hi.

420. Back to the grind.

421. Nice guy.

422. Thank you, Tanya.

423. Tanya, that was

424. fantastic.

425. I swear, when you

426. put tap to it,

427. the Pledge of Allegiance

428. just comes alive.

429. One suggestion:

430. do you have a tube top?

431. Oh, Francis, you are

432. just wonderful.

433. I mean, you're so different

434. than the local boys.

435. I mean, I haven't even

436. known you that long,

437. and I already feel

438. so connected to you.

439. I know. It's almost mystical.

440. Yeah. And I'm so glad the

441. gay thing isn't an issue.

442. You're gay?

443. No, no, silly— you are.

444. Wait, you think I'm gay?

445. Oh, you don't have to

446. hide anything, honey.

447. I mean, we're a lot

448. more liberal here

449. than you think we are.

450. I mean, it's not

451. like Birmingham.

452. Wait a minute—

453. you think I'm gay?

454. Why do you think I'm gay?

455. Oh, come on.

456. You like the theater,

457. you're good with decorating,

458. and, well, you're completely

459. obsessed with your mother.

460. Can you undo my hooks?

461. Tanya, I'm kind of having

462. a dilemma here...

463. Oh, great.

464. Frannie, can you spray me?

465. My suit keeps riding up.

466. That's why I'm here...

467. girlfriend.

468. So what did you

469. want to talk about?

470. I'm your teacher.

471. Can't we just talk?

472. You know, that

473. Julie Houlerman

474. is a very special

475. little girl.

476. Oh, come on!

477. Caroline,

478. I don't want to...

479. Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm.

480. So private, so guarded.

481. But you don't have to

482. be that way with me.

483. I'm on your side.

484. Julie knows that— she's

485. not even in my class.

486. She talked to you?

487. About me?

488. What'd she say?

489. Aw, nothing that wasn't

490. obvious already.

491. You know, when you

492. open up to people,

493. you will always

494. be surprised

495. just how well

496. things turn out.

497. Surprise!

498. Isn't it wonderful?

499. Julie organized

500. the whole thing herself,

501. and everyone

502. in school responded.

503. Dear Malcolm, this

504. isn't just food.

505. It's an expression of how

506. we all feel about you.

507. Our hearts go out to you

508. in your time of need.

509. You're going

510. to keep the food?

511. Yes.

512. I'm not going to throw away

513. perfectly good pie filling

514. and... lamb chutney.

515. Don't you even care

516. how humiliating this is?

517. We've done can drives.

518. This is just the

519. crap people find

520. when they clean

521. out the garage.

522. Okay, just stop it.

523. I know how

524. hard this is,

525. but no one ever said

526. life is fair.

527. Sometimes decent,

528. hard-working people

529. get dumped on

530. for no good reason,

531. and they just have

532. to wipe out their eyes

533. and keep on walking.

534. Something will

535. turn up.

536. We just have to hold on

537. a little bit longer.

538. And in the meantime, be

539. thankful for small favors.

540. Anyone want the last olive?

541. Those aren't olives.

542. Those are peaches.

543. Well, you got him here

544. early, that's good.

545. He'll be fine

546. in a few days.

547. Just like when this

548. one ate the frog.

549. I only ate half of it.

550. I won't put

551. the stomach pump on the bill.

552. I mean, he did most

553. of the work on the way over.

554. Thanks, Don. Uh...

555. listen, as far

556. as the bill goes,

557. what kind of neighborhood

558. are we in?

559. Well... the emergency room,

560. couple days

561. of observation—

562. probably three or four.

563. Three or four...

564. hun...?

565. Okay.

566. You boys take

567. care of your dad.

568. I'm going to go see Mr. Pinter

569. and beg for my job back.

570. What? Mom, wait.

571. You don't have

572. to do that.

573. Yes, I do. I don't want to,

574. shouldn't have to,

575. but guess what?

576. I do.

577. But I want you boys

578. to understand something.

579. I am not going back

580. on anything I said before.

581. She's completely

582. going back on it,

583. but I'm not going

584. to kick her when she's down.

585. You're totally

586. going back on it.

587. No, I am not.

588. Everything I said before

589. still goes.

590. You know, sometimes

591. bad things happen

592. and you don't

593. understand why,

594. and you just have to trust that

595. there's a good reason for it.

596. Sure, it's easy

597. to work in mysterious ways

598. when you have a job.

599. The first one who laughs

600. gets their ass kicked.

601. You have

602. incredible hands.

603. Well, it's easy

604. on such a beautiful back.

605. Not to mention

606. the most talented...

607. sweet...

608. sexy...

609. What?

610. Francis...

611. are... are you sure

612. you're really...

613. how you are?

614. Tanya, I'm so confused.

615. I mean, I thought that I was,

616. but when I'm around you,

617. I have these...

618. strange, new feelings.

619. I feel like...

620. maybe I could... change.

621. That you could be

622. the woman who changes me.

623. Oh, Francis...

624. I was hoping you'd say that.

625. I want to be that woman

626. for you.

627. Oh, and don't

628. you worry, honey.

629. If there's one thing

630. we know how to do

631. down here,

632. it's how to fix this.

633. And with God's help,

634. we can say "no!" to weakness.

635. We can say "no!"

636. to all things unnatural!

637. It is procreation,

638. not recreation!

639. And when Satan tempts us,

640. what do we do?

641. Pray out the gay.

642. Get to it!

643. I have to say, Lois,

644. I'm surprised

645. by this change

646. in your attitude.

647. Yeah, well, me, too.

648. I know we've had

649. our differences,

650. but I hope that we

651. can make all this

652. water under the bridge.

653. So, if you'll

654. just sign here...

655. Mm, what's this?

656. Your apology.

657. I think I captured

658. your voice rather nicely.

659. You want it in writing?

660. Yes.

661. Look, Lois, you can

662. tell these clowns

663. whatever you want—

664. that I got on my knees

665. and begged you to come

666. back, I don't care.

667. I just want you and I to

668. know how things really are.

669. That's not a signature.

670. No, it's more

671. of a suggestion.

672. "The horse you rode in on"

673. is optional.

674. Now, look...

675. No, you look.

676. I don't deserve this.

677. The only thing

678. I ever did wrong

679. was all the work I did

680. to cover your butt.

681. Well, we obviously

682. have different

683. definitions of "wrong."

684. Yeah, I guess we do.

685. For instance,

686. I think it's wrong

687. for you to put your name

688. on sales reports

689. that you didn't write.

690. I think it's wrong you keep

691. a little bag of "herbs"

692. in your bottom left drawer.

693. I think it's wrong

694. you slept with

695. the district manager's wife.

696. And you want

697. to know something?

698. You don't even

699. have to worry about it,

700. because I also think it's wrong

701. to blab this kind of thing.

702. You know, you should be so glad

703. that I'm the only one that knows

704. this stuff about you.

705. Anyone else here would sell you

706. down the river in a second.

707. God, I am so much

708. better than you.

709. Yeah, he just ran off

710. and quit for no reason.

711. Huh, who knows why?

712. See, you do

713. the right thing,

714. and everything

715. works out for the best.

716. Clean.

717. I have Ho Hos— real Ho Hos.

718. You know,

719. I'm sure I'm neglecting

720. my spiritual side, but...

721. money rules.

722. The best part is

723. I can finally get everything

724. straightened out with Julie.

725. Hi, Malcolm.

726. Look, we're not poor anymore!

727. So I don't want any more

728. of your stupid pity, okay?

729. That helped, right?