Malcolm in the Middle 1x8

Directed by Todd Holland

Jerry Lambert as Dave • Beth Grant as Dorene Hooper • Katherine Ellis as Jody • Mark Rickard as Eraserhead's Brother Alfonze • Liann Pattison as Woman

The whole family attends a Krelboyne family picnic, and Malcolm dreads his performance in the event's Academic Circus will make him look like a freak. Disasters abound as stage acts bomb, families feud, and Malcolm's dad serves meat to vegetarians.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Let me go!

2. Get off it!

3. I can't breathe!

4. Ow!

5. Leave the squirrel alone

6. and get the fire extinguisher.

7. Reese, no!

8. Blood tastes funny.

9. You better be naked

10. when I get back.

11. Done.

12. Malcolm.

13. Malcolm.

14. How was that

15. even remotely fair?

16. That's for us all having to go

17. to your stupid

18. Krelboyne picnic today.

19. You think I

20. want you to go?

21. My special class

22. is having a family day,

23. and if that's not bad enough,

24. it's on the weekend

25. that Francis is home.

26. I'm going to look like

27. a total idiot in front of him.

28. Pretty bunnies.

29. Pretty bunnies.

30. Luckily, I've got a brilliant

31. plan to get out of this.

32. Oh, poor baby.

33. Yeah, I'm sick.

34. No, you're grounded for pouring

35. perfectly good vegetable soup

36. in the toilet.

37. And you owe me 49 cents.

38. I don't understand

39. why you don't want to go

40. to this picnic, Malcolm;

41. I think it sounds like fun.

42. Yeah, sitting on the grass,

43. eating barbecue.

44. It's Krelboynes.

45. It's not going to be

46. on the grass

47. because half the class

48. is allergic.

49. And don't expect

50. any meat, either,

51. because they all voted

52. not to serve anything

53. that ever had a mother.

54. Cousin Nancy

55. doesn't have a mother.

56. That's right.

57. She has two daddies.

58. Oh, man, two guys

59. as your parents?

60. That house has got to

61. be a dude's paradise.

62. You know,

63. there are a lot

64. of proven health benefits

65. to the vegetarian lifestyle.

66. In fact, I've

67. been seriously

68. considering it myself.

69. It'll be nice

70. to meet the other parents.

71. I'm sure they're much better

72. than those carnival freaks

73. in Reese's class.

74. What a horrible

75. bunch of people.

76. Amen to that.

77. Well, this just sounds

78. like a blast to me.

79. Why do I have

80. to go, again?

81. Because it's a family

82. picnic, Francis,

83. and you're a member

84. of this family.

85. Oh, right, see, I just

86. keep forgetting that,

87. being forced to live

88. a thousand miles away

89. at military school

90. and all.

91. Well, I can't wait to see

92. this academic circus.

93. I bet it's really cute.

94. It's not a circus.

95. It's a bunch of social misfits

96. doing a bunch of weird stunts

97. to show off how smart they are.

98. What's your weird stunt, honey?

99. Just some lame thing—

100. nothing you want to see.

101. You've got to get

102. me out of there

103. before my turn comes.

104. Why? What's the big deal?

105. It just is, okay?

106. I don't want

107. to do my act.

108. All right, relax.

109. We'll hang out

110. for, like, 15 minutes,

111. establish your presence.

112. Then we'll go over the fence,

113. like at Grandma's wedding.

114. That's why I love this guy.

115. Welcome!

116. Welcome one and all!

117. Run away with us

118. and join the circus!

119. The academic circus!

120. Oh, no.

121. My teacher.

122. Malcolm, thank goodness.

123. I was so nervous.

124. I had a dream

125. you didn't come, and I was

126. being chased by something big

127. but invisible and...

128. Never mind.

129. You're here, and that's

130. all that matters.

131. Hello, little guy.

132. Ready to leave your family

133. and join the circus?

134. Oh.

135. Huh?

136. Little lower, son.

137. Oh, look at all

138. your little friends.

139. Hi.

140. Hi, there.

141. They're not

142. my friends.

143. They're a bunch

144. of geeks and losers.

145. Malcolm's in the house!

146. (chanting):

147. Malcolm! Malcolm!

148. Malcolm! Malcolm! Malcolm!

149. I'm going to kick

150. so much Krelboyne ass today,

151. it's not even funny.

152. Go, Malcolm! Go, Malcolm!

153. Go, Malcolm!

154. Easy.

155. You got all afternoon.

156. We're getting out of here

157. in 15 minutes, right?

158. Make it ten.

159. Yeah.

160. Ooh, hello.

161. And who might you be?

162. What?

163. Nothing.

164. Hello. I'm Lois.

165. This is Hal.

166. We're Malcolm's parents.

167. That's very nice.

168. I'm Dorene.

169. These are the girls.

170. Hello, it's nice

171. to meet you all.

172. Yeah, it's really...

173. whatever.

174. Hope everybody

175. likes brownies.

176. Oh, my, that is

177. so thoughtful.

178. Are those nuts?

179. Walnuts.

180. Oh, gee, we

181. can't have that.

182. Some of the children are

183. severely allergic to nuts.

184. Oh, my gosh, I had no idea.

185. Whose child is allergic?

186. Well, no one in this class

187. specifically,

188. but you can never

189. be too careful.

190. Believe me, this isn't meant

191. to publicly humiliate you.

192. I'm sure they

193. were delicious.

194. Oh, hi-ya, fellas.

195. Hey, there.

196. What's your pleasure—

197. nature dog,

198. health patty,

199. tofu square?

200. Good God.

201. Want me to brown that chicken

202. leg a little more for you?

203. Well...

204. looks like I got here

205. just in time.

206. Gentlemen...

207. behold.

208. Is that... meat?

209. Nothing but.

210. Hi.

211. Hey.

212. So, uh... you here?

213. Yeah.

214. You?

215. Yeah.

216. Hey, Stevie.

217. Can't stop... to chat.

218. Got to get... my chemicals...

219. in the shade.

220. I thought you were doing

221. your report on oscilloscopes.

222. Changed to... catalytics.

223. It's more... exciting.

224. Right?

225. What do you care?

226. I'm up... after you.

227. So?

228. Following you...

229. is like...

230. following Streisand.

231. Well, don't worry about it.

232. You won't be following me.

233. Why?

234. Have I been... bumped?

235. Francis, what are you doing?

236. Come on, the coast

237. is clear and...

238. It's already been

239. ten minutes and...

240. We're not ditching out, are we?

241. A small pack of Krelboynes

242. has ventured out of hiding

243. to bask in the afternoon sun.

244. Their defenses down,

245. they're an easy target

246. for nearby predators.

247. They sense danger,

248. but it is too late.

249. Their hesitation is fatal.

250. And the circle of life goes on.

251. Kafkaesque, isn't it?

252. Huh?

253. Never mind.

254. Kick his butt,

255. Alphonse.

256. Wait... wait.

257. Here it comes.

258. Yes, there!

259. I've arrested

260. the cellular mitosis!

261. Thank you, Dabney.

262. That was riveting.

263. Our next act needs

264. no introduction,

265. having been the buzz of

266. last year's math fair.

267. Please welcome

268. Flora Mayesh

269. and Fermat's

270. Last Theorem!

271. Hello? Is this...?

272. Testing.

273. So, I understand that Malcolm

274. has quite the vocabulary.

275. Yeah, he's just yap, yap,

276. yap, yap, yap, all day long.

277. Well, that's not

278. the vocabulary I meant.

279. It seems that he's taught

280. several of the children

281. the "R" word.

282. The "R" word?

283. I'm sure it's just something

284. he picked up off the street—

285. certainly not at home.

286. Yeah, well, "R" you, lady.

287. So, this is

288. going well, right?

289. It's pretty much

290. everything I expected.

291. So, you ready, Malcolm?

292. I mean, you're all set, right?

293. Sure.

294. Good.

295. I'm... ready.

296. Thanks for... asking.

297. You know what's so great

298. about our relationship?

299. It just still feels so fresh,

300. you know what I mean?

301. Totally.

302. All right,

303. take it away.

304. I need two burgers

305. and a dog, Hal.

306. Coming up.

307. Dewey?

308. Thank you, sir.

309. All right.

310. Thank you.

311. What have I told you

312. about raw meat, son?

313. I'm not.

314. Dad, I want you

315. to meet someone.

316. This is Jody.

317. Hi.

318. Oh, it's so great

319. to finally meet you.

320. Francis talks about you

321. all the time.

322. Oh, yeah?

323. You, too.

324. I'm so glad

325. that went well.

326. Ladies and gentlemen,

327. I give to you

328. the Nixon electromagnet.

329. This is going dreadfully.

330. Am I wrong?

331. Please tell me I'm wrong.

332. Excuse me.

333. For what?

334. This is it.

335. You're almost... up.

336. Stop reminding me.

337. Nervous?

338. No, I just don't want

339. to do this.

340. Don't you ever get sick

341. of being a Krelboyne?

342. Of people thinking

343. you're some kind of freak?

344. You are...

345. what you are.

346. Accept it.

347. Not without a fight.

348. You're harshing... my buzz.

349. Don't let... anyone...

350. mess with... my stuff.

351. You know, in the wrong hands,

352. these chemicals can make

353. a pretty powerful stink bomb.

354. These hands look wrong enough.

355. And this field trip to

356. the historic ghost town,

357. I think we all know

358. what that leads to—

359. the occult, devil worship,

360. state colleges.

361. So, then, it's agreed

362. that the trip

363. will be canceled.

364. Wait a minute—

365. you can't decide that.

366. You didn't even vote.

367. I was only going

368. by the general tone

369. of the group.

370. General tone?

371. I haven't heard a peep

372. out of any of these

373. other women all day.

374. What, you all agree

375. with what Mrs. Control

376. Freak here is saying?

377. Well...

378. Phyllis!

379. My name isn't Phyllis!

380. And... no,

381. I don't feel that way.

382. I don't either!

383. I never liked...

384. My husband told me

385. I should stand up to you

386. after I came home from

387. that bake sale in tears.

388. My soy burger...

389. it's bleeding!

390. This is meat!

391. We're eating meat!

392. Oh, my God!

393. We're eating meat!

394. Get out of the way!

395. Come here!

396. Okay, the difference

397. between a stink bomb

398. and a level-three

399. toxic biohazard

400. is apparently two extra drops

401. of sulfur tetra-oxide.

402. I'm totally suing that Web site.

403. I didn't do it!

404. I didn't do it!

405. Where are you, honey?

406. I want... our seat.

407. I'm kind of conflicted.

408. On the one hand,

409. I ruined Caroline's picnic

410. and very possibly endangered

411. a hundred lives.

412. On the other hand,

413. now I don't have to do my act.

414. Did you miss me?

415. Mm-hmm.

416. So who was that girl with

417. her hands all over you?

418. What girl, the paramedic?

419. She was making sure

420. I didn't inhale any toxic fumes.

421. Oh, I'm sure you loved

422. every moment of it.

423. God, would you

424. quit nagging me?

425. Well, maybe if you paid a little

426. more attention to me.

427. More attention?

428. You're smothering me.

429. I need space.

430. Oh, you'll get your space.

431. We're through.

432. Fine by me.

433. Here's the school

434. ring you gave me.

435. The teddy bear key chain.

436. Your shirt.

437. Your two poems.

438. The book you lent me.

439. Your Depeche Mode tape!

440. Oh, and here's your gum.

441. I love Krelboynes.

442. And I swear,

443. I'm not just saying that.

444. Why would I?

445. Nice hang time.

446. Well, it's really

447. a simple function

448. of the tensile strength

449. of the elastic waistband.

450. I brought you a hamburger.

451. This should

452. make us even, right?

453. Thank you.

454. Is this meat?

455. Uh, it might be.

456. Look what I've been reduced to.

457. Okay, well, um...

458. I'm going to...

459. Oh, Malcolm, I'm so sorry.

460. Huh?

461. I know how much

462. you were looking forward

463. to doing your act...

464. especially

465. with your family here.

466. I failed you.

467. No, you didn't.

468. Yes, I did.

469. After today, they're going

470. to fire my ass so fast.

471. My parents were right.

472. I never should have left

473. the cannery.

474. Want another hamburger?

475. (crying):

476. Yes!

477. I do. I do.

478. I really do.

479. Can you believe it? Meat.

480. I don't know about you,

481. but I'm outraged.

482. I want you to know

483. that I am going to see to it

484. that you never serve

485. on a school committee,

486. hold an office or even

487. so much as set foot

488. in a PTA meeting

489. as long as I can help it.

490. Is that a promise, lady?

491. 'Cause I'd really like

492. to get that in writing.

493. I should have expected as much

494. from the mother

495. of a foul-mouth thug.

496. What he's even doing

497. in this class, I don't know.

498. Oh, I see you

499. made a friend.

500. Yeah. Tomorrow we're going

501. shopping for shoes.

502. Oh.

503. Academic circus?

504. Well, you certainly got

505. the circus part right.

506. This is the biggest

507. debacle I've ever seen.

508. I guarantee you

509. Principal Littledove

510. is going to hear

511. about this.

512. Exactly.

513. He sure will,

514. from all of us.

515. Can I ask you

516. a question?

517. Yes. All women suck.

518. No, I mean...

519. you'd still like me

520. even if you found out

521. I was a freak, right?

522. And the family wouldn't treat me

523. any different, right?

524. Dude, we already

525. know you're smart.

526. Yeah, but...

527. Never mind.

528. Just don't say I

529. didn't warn you.

530. Look, it's Malcolm!

531. Hey, hey,

532. Malcolm's going to do it, guys!

533. The PTA is

534. online, missy.

535. Are you aware of the

536. power of the Internet?

537. Hey, everyone, look!

538. Look, Malcolm's doing it.

539. He's doing it.

540. Hey, shut the hell up!

541. Um...

542. could somebody please

543. show me some credit cards?

544. Okay.

545. The numbers on them are:

546. 3699-7412-6823-

547. 9140 and... 3424-

548. 1804-1835-3668.

549. He's right!

550. Okay.

551. If you add the individual

552. digits on each card,

553. you get 74 and 66.

554. If you multiply those numbers,

555. you get 4,884.

556. How do we even know

557. he's right?

558. Oh, he's right.

559. 4,884 squared

560. is 23,853,456.

561. The square root

562. of 4,884

563. is 69 and 885/1,000.

564. The square root of that

565. is eight and 3,597/10,000.

566. Factor it!

567. The factors are 232 and 73.

568. Multiply it by pi.

569. 26 and 261/1,000.

570. Cube it!

571. 584 and 214/1,000.

572. What's the arc tangent?

573. 89 and 9/10 degrees.

574. Natural log!

575. 6 and 3,699/10,000.

576. What's the reciprocal?

577. 17/10,000.

578. In base eight!

579. 11,431.

580. What's the capitol

581. of Iceland?

582. Reykjavik—

583. but that's not math.

584. Why can't you do that?

585. Cellular mitosis.

586. What are we paying

587. your tutor for?

588. Do you have

589. any brothers?

590. No.

591. Hey.

592. Hi.

593. So, um... how you been?

594. Fine.

595. You look good.

596. Yes, it was.

597. It was a

598. wonderful circus.

599. So many people

600. were worried...

601. Was it as bad as

602. I think it was?

603. Man... you killed.

604. That's what I

605. was afraid of.

606. Sorry you didn't

607. get to do your act.

608. Shove... the sympathy...

609. showboat.

610. He fell on his butt

611. and everything.

612. He was just, like, dazed.

613. Is Malcolm a robot?

614. No, son, he's just smart.

615. Very, very,

616. very, very, very,

617. very smart.

618. Hey, Malcolm...

619. How many fingers

620. am I holding up?

621. Shut up.

622. Analyze what I had for lunch.

623. Get off me, you moron.

624. You know what

625. I don't understand?

626. How you can rattle off

627. all those numbers,

628. but you can't remember

629. to brush your teeth.

630. Hey, who's for

631. Burger Barn?

632. Burger Barn!

633. Burger Barn!

634. Burger Barn!