Malcolm in the Middle 1x4

Directed by Nick Marck

Adam Hendershott as Adam • Paul Willson as Ed • Karim Prince as Stanley • Robert Grovich as Kevin • Michael Canavan as Priest

Parallel stories pit Malcolm against a bullying, obnoxious new kid and Francis vies with his intimidating, military-school commandant, who's presenting sex-education lectures. Meanwhile, Hal takes heat after cutting down a tree.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. We're gathered here today

2. to say good-bye

3. to Jumpy

4. number eight.

5. Nine...

6. Nine.

7. He was a good...

8. Nine?

9. Are you sure, nine?

10. Anyway, he was

11. a very good frog.

12. And he led

13. a very full life.

14. I remember when I stuck him

15. in Mom's sun visor,

16. and she almost hit that lady

17. in the crosswalk.

18. It was hysterical.

19. Farewell, Jumpy number nine.

20. We know you're going

21. to a better place.

22. Bye, Jumpy.

23. Dad...

24. May he rest

25. in pieces.

26. Amen.

27. Amen.

28. Amen.

29. Kenarban...

30. winds up.

31. Bases loaded.

32. Series on...

33. the line.

34. Will you just throw the ball?

35. Aah!

36. Want me to...

37. kiss it?

38. Oh, man, Kevin.

39. I hate this guy.

40. He's only been here

41. for two weeks,

42. and he's already the most

43. obnoxious kid in the school.

44. Little help.

45. Lose your

46. ball-ey, baby?

47. Can I please have

48. my ball back, Kevin?

49. "Can I please have

50. my ball back, Kevin?"

51. Come on, Kevin.

52. "Come on, Kevin."

53. De gustibus

54. non est disputandum.

55. De kub...

56. You stink!

57. Your new name

58. is Stinky.

59. Whatever, just give me

60. my ball back.

61. You want it?

62. Go get it, Stinky.

63. Men, most of you are at an age

64. where your bodies

65. have undergone

66. significant changes.

67. While the benefits

68. of increased muscle mass

69. and a more authoritative

70. speaking register are plain,

71. these changes can

72. produce certain...

73. negative desires.

74. Uh, we used to handle it

75. with cold showers

76. and regularly scheduled

77. beatings,

78. but, sadly, times have changed,

79. and I am forced to rely

80. on a less effective option:

81. education.

82. Pretty, isn't she? Hmm?

83. Perhaps her name is Mary

84. or Wendy or Becky Lou—

85. it doesn't matter

86. because her real name

87. is disease.

88. Not so pretty anymore,

89. is she, men?

90. Cankers...

91. lesions...

92. furuncles.

93. Such is the price of weakness.

94. I can't believe

95. they're swallowing this.

96. Standard technique.

97. Generate a fear response,

98. make the brain more receptive.

99. I don't care.

100. Spangler has ruined

101. everything in our lives.

102. Now he has

103. to ruin sex?

104. Now, remember,

105. every one of these diseases

106. can easily be

107. transmitted to you.

108. Excuse me, sir?

109. Isn't that slide upside down?

110. No, son.

111. No, it isn't.

112. Okay, pal, all right.

113. I'll get

114. the ice pack.

115. Dewey, we told you to stop

116. climbing that tree.

117. It's too big.

118. I couldn't help it.

119. I know,

120. sweetheart.

121. That's it,

122. I've had it.

123. That sucker's

124. coming down.

125. You're gonna

126. cut down the tree?

127. Darn right.

128. I'm sick and tired

129. of raking leaves

130. and hosing bird

131. poop off our car.

132. And seeing that weird

133. face in the bark

134. that follows you

135. wherever you go.

136. And now it's going

137. after the children?

138. No, Lois, it has

139. to be stopped.

140. Can I help kill it?

141. Sure, sweetheart.

142. We'll take turns.

143. All right, frozen pizza.

144. The only thing

145. Rowena can't ruin.

146. Hey, no cuts.

147. "Hey, no cuts."

148. Two slices, please.

149. Is there any

150. more pizza?

151. No, all out.

152. It's American goulash

153. for you.

154. What... is that?

155. I don't know.

156. All I can identify are little

157. pieces of carrot and...

158. I don't know, I think

159. they're Skittles.

160. Hey, look at the

161. goulash boy.

162. Get away from me, Kevin.

163. Ooh, "Get away

164. from me, Kevin."

165. He's so sad that he

166. doesn't have pizza,

167. and I do.

168. I said get away.

169. Chill... man.

170. I got...

171. your back.

172. What are you looking

173. at, Kenar-butt?

174. Light...

175. some shadows.

176. Kevin,

177. I'm warning you.

178. Get out of my face.

179. Aw, Malcolm doesn't like me

180. eating close to his face

181. with pizza I have

182. and he doesn't.

183. Pizza, pizza, pizza.

184. (echoing):

185. Pizza...

186. (echoing):

187. Pizza...

188. Pizza...

189. You want pizza?

190. I'll give you pizza.

191. (chanting): Fight! Fight!

192. Fight! Fight!

193. Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

194. Wow, watching hockey has

195. really paid off.

196. I can't believe

197. how good I'm doing.

198. What do you mean

199. he's only seven?

200. What's not

201. to understand?

202. He just

203. turned seven.

204. I guess you were too busy

205. beating people to notice.

206. He can't be seven—

207. he's bigger than I am.

208. He's in second grade.

209. Look at all this blood.

210. That's not blood,

211. it's pizza sauce.

212. Well, that's blood, but...

213. Oh, my God.

214. Oh, my God!

215. What happened?

216. I want my Teletubby!

217. A doll?

218. You can't play with dolls

219. if you're seven.

220. Why are you seven?

221. You beat up a

222. seven-year-old?

223. I didn't know!

224. Malcolm, I don't

225. blame you.

226. I put this squarely

227. where it belongs.

228. On me.

229. Oh, man, this is the most

230. horrible thing I've ever done.

231. Kevin, I'm sorry.

232. I think you've done

233. quite enough.

234. This is the worst

235. birthday ever!

236. "Inappropriate,

237. vicious."

238. Oh, wait— "Thug"?

239. Dude, I've never

240. gotten "thug" before.

241. That's like the Oscar.

242. Susie Gunther

243. ate my crayons.

244. Can you beat her up tomorrow?

245. Leave me alone.

246. You know what my

247. favorite part is?

248. It's when you pound on someone,

249. and then a day later,

250. you still feel the pain

251. in your knuckles.

252. Oh, I love that.

253. Shut up, Reese.

254. Hey, hey, pace

255. yourself, killer.

256. Whoa.

257. Dad.

258. You cut down the tree,

259. and we missed it?

260. Oh, baby, you missed it,

261. all right.

262. I was about two-thirds

263. of the way through her,

264. then crack!

265. Kaboom!

266. My chain saw goes flying.

267. All the car alarms

268. go off.

269. About a hundred squirrels came

270. boiling out of the branches.

271. Then a pack of dogs

272. came out of nowhere

273. and chased them

274. all over the neighborhood.

275. Man, I've never seen

276. anything like it.

277. Man...

278. Oh, don't worry, son.

279. You'll get to share

280. in the best part.

281. Cleaning up.

282. Boys, I think you'll enjoy

283. my sexual awareness

284. lecture next week.

285. It's been called "riveting."

286. It-it sure worked wonders

287. for me, sir.

288. The only woman

289. I can think of

290. without vomiting

291. is my own mother.

292. As it should be, son,

293. as it should be.

294. He's giving that same lecture

295. to the underclassmen.

296. I can't let

297. that happen.

298. I'm stealing

299. his slides.

300. And to you,

301. that's a good idea?

302. Oh, absolutely.

303. I know it's

304. hard-core, Stanley,

305. but I'm not doing

306. this for me.

307. I'm doing it for them.

308. After all, they

309. are the future.

310. Francis, I don't

311. know why you assume

312. we'll be able to just walk

313. into Spangler's office

314. and find the

315. sex slides.

316. Oh, man, I wish all my

317. break-ins were this easy.

318. Okay, I got it.

319. Let's get out of here.

320. Wait a second.

321. Oh, my God,

322. this is a gold mine.

323. Spangler drinking.

324. Spangler kissing.

325. Spangler in

326. a Speedo.

327. Spangler out

328. of a Speedo.

329. All right,

330. that's enough.

331. Let's leave, huh?

332. Wait a second.

333. I have an idea.

334. I'm gonna make Spangler's

335. sexual awareness lecture

336. just a little more

337. interesting.

338. Now, Francis, you do realize

339. what he'll do to you

340. if you humiliate him

341. like this, right?

342. And yet

343. I'm doing it anyway.

344. Weird, huh?

345. Why are the eggs so little?

346. They're robin's eggs from

347. the tree your father cut down.

348. Paul Bunyan.

349. That's nature for you.

350. Hundred years to grow,

351. 12 minutes to cut down.

352. There's got to be a lesson

353. in there somewhere.

354. It is nice having this

355. extra light in the room.

356. Yeah, wait till I bring

357. in the wood chipper.

358. Then you're really

359. gonna see something.

360. I can't take

361. this anymore.

362. When are you

363. gonna punish me?

364. For what?

365. For beating up a

366. seven-year-old.

367. Oh, my God,

368. that's right.

369. You must've just felt ridiculous

370. when you found out

371. how old that kid was.

372. I can only imagine

373. the look on your face.

374. I'll get it.

375. Oh, this is nice.

376. We should start every day

377. with a good laugh.

378. It's not funny.

379. It's awful.

380. I did something

381. horrible.

382. Don't you even care?

383. Well, it's nothing

384. to be proud of, son,

385. but you told us

386. the whole story,

387. and he didn't give you

388. much choice.

389. It was an honest

390. beating mistake.

391. Besides, it sends a good

392. message to our enemies.

393. What are you

394. talking about?

395. What enemies?

396. Oh, they're out there.

397. And once they know

398. we're capable of this,

399. they'll know we're capable

400. of anything.

401. Okay, so it's not just me,

402. right?

403. There's something seriously

404. wrong with this family.

405. It's none of your business

406. what we do on our property.

407. ED: That tree was older

408. than your house.

409. You had no right

410. to cut it down.

411. We're a neighborhood,

412. and removing trees

413. is a neighborhood

414. decision.

415. Oh, y-you people— for 15

416. years you've mowed your lawns

417. in the middle of the night so

418. you don't have to talk to us.

419. Now, what, all of a sudden

420. we're a neighborhood?

421. What's going

422. on here?

423. ED: You've caused

424. a blight on our street

425. by cutting down

426. that tree.

427. How is cutting down

428. a tree a blight?

429. Because now we can

430. see your house.

431. Well, let me tell

432. you something, Ed.

433. As far as I'm concerned, you and

434. the neighbors can all just...

435. Eh? And that goes

436. double for me.

437. I want you all off

438. our property now or I'll...

439. (imitates

440. gorilla grunts)

441. (imitating monkeys,

442. gorillas)

443. No wonder I'm a thug.

444. How can they act like this?

445. And then I found out

446. that he was only seven.

447. I didn't know what to do.

448. I just felt like I had

449. to talk to someone.

450. I hope I'm doing

451. this right.

452. See, my family— we're not,

453. like, regular churchgoers,

454. but I know places

455. like this are supposed

456. to help you

457. feel better,

458. and that's really what I need.

459. I did something terrible,

460. and now I just feel like there's

461. something wrong with me.

462. I mean, really wrong,

463. deep inside.

464. I can't shake it.

465. What do I do?

466. Look to the church.

467. Look to God.

468. Look within.

469. But first you must

470. ask forgiveness.

471. First, you must atone.

472. First, you must cleanse

473. your spirit.

474. The path to salvation.

475. The path to temptation.

476. The path to meditation.

477. How does one define a sin?

478. Well, it's

479. mostly common sense.

480. And you have

481. to light incense.

482. If you practiced abstinence.

483. It's whatever space you're in.

484. Huh?

485. Ch-Ch-Charity.

486. Prosperity.

487. Clarity.

488. Divine.

489. Restitution.

490. Absolution.

491. Contribution.

492. Palestine.

493. Sacramental.

494. Accidental.

495. Mostly mental.

496. You'll be fine.

497. Transubstantiate.

498. Alleviate.

499. Who knows?

500. Align your spine.

501. Uh... well, thanks.

502. I feel much better. Bye.

503. Hey, boys.

504. Where's your brother?

505. I don't know.

506. He said something

507. about being evil,

508. and he took off.

509. Ah.

510. Uh, stay back.

511. Wow!

512. That was the coolest

513. thing I've ever seen!

514. Really? All it does is

515. instantly vaporize anything

516. that goes into it.

517. Dewey!

518. What was...?

519. Actually,

520. that was pretty cool.

521. What else you got?

522. Well, we've obviously

523. run out of ideas.

524. Yolanda, this is a love

525. that cannot be.

526. Stop!

527. Can't you put some life in it?

528. It's 1969!

529. The slide rule is

530. about to be replaced

531. by the pocket calculator.

532. You have to feel

533. the panic in the air. Ugh!

534. I can't stop thinking

535. about what I did to Kevin.

536. I feel like crap,

537. and no one understands.

538. Even you.

539. You're supposed

540. to be my friend

541. and you don't even care.

542. And yet... you

543. keep... talking.

544. Maybe if I did

545. something good,

546. that would cancel it out, right?

547. Or if I'm only doing it

548. to feel better,

549. is that selfish

550. and doesn't count as much?

551. Stevie?

552. Okay. So I just have to think

553. of a really giant good deed.

554. That way, I know

555. I'll be in the plus column.

556. I bet I can think

557. of something great.

558. I just have to put

559. some thought into it.

560. There!

561. That's perfect.

562. I'll run the marathon

563. and get people to pledge money

564. for every mile that I go.

565. I hate running,

566. so it'll be hard

567. and I'll have to train for it,

568. so it'll take dedication

569. and it'll be helping

570. cure diseases

571. which no one likes.

572. And then

573. I can get on with my life.

574. No! No! No!

575. I can't work like this!

576. I'll be at my cubby.

577. This'll work.

578. It has to.

579. There we go.

580. Looks great, Dad.

581. Yeah? I don't know.

582. Now that it's in there,

583. it sort of

584. makes me miss the old tree.

585. This one's a

586. little droopy

587. and the branches

588. are a little spindly

589. and there's no face.

590. Well, there's that,

591. that little one,

592. but it's not the...

593. kindly little spooky face...

594. Oh, my God!

595. What have I done?

596. Reese,

597. get my chain saw.

598. I hear your son likes to

599. beat up seven-year-olds.

600. I wouldn't say

601. he likes it.

602. He's good at it,

603. apparently, but...

604. Look...

605. in my family

606. we don't go for that.

607. Probably not a good idea

608. to poke me.

609. "Probably not a good

610. idea to poke me."

611. I'm sorry I beat him up,

612. but how was I supposed to know

613. he was 15?

614. He was huge.

615. You should have seen the grip

616. he had on my throat.

617. Okay, people.

618. I need all the pledge sheets

619. before we can begin.

620. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

621. Caroline?

622. Malcolm, I am so glad

623. you decided to do this.

624. Now, were you able

625. to get any pledges?

626. Here.

627. I don't suppose there's

628. a beer guy around here, huh?

629. This is a charity race

630. at an elementary school.

631. Oh. So I have to go

632. to a stand or something, huh?

633. My God.

634. Are these real?

635. Well, I assume so. Why?

636. Well, look

637. at all of them.

638. He has more

639. pledges here

640. than everyone else

641. put together.

642. If he runs

643. the distance,

644. he is going to raise

645. over $8,000.

646. Ow.

647. Perhaps her name is Mary

648. or... Wendy

649. or Becky Lou.

650. It doesn't matter

651. because her real name

652. is disease.

653. Isn't so pretty anymore,

654. is she, boys?

655. Cankers...

656. lesions...

657. furuncles—

658. such is the pri...

659. Why, these aren't

660. the proper slides.

661. Some hooligan has switched them.

662. Now, this is obviously

663. some ingenious scheme

664. to humiliate me.

665. I find myself

666. so overcome with embarrassment,

667. I can't stop clicking.

668. Although there's probably

669. one in here of a cadet

670. who thinks he's

671. all alone, and...

672. well...

673. technical difficulties.

674. We will resume the lecture...

675. with the proper slides

676. at 0800 tomorrow.

677. Gentlemen.

678. Remember, son,

679. a good soldier always

680. checks the chamber.

681. Okay, this is going to sting.

682. What is with you?

683. Nothing.

684. Usually you scream

685. like a stuck pig

686. when I put this stuff on.

687. You have been

688. such a zombie lately.

689. It feels worse on the inside

690. than it does on my knee.

691. What are you talking about?

692. Mom, I can't stop feeling bad

693. about what I did to Kevin.

694. I feel like I have

695. a monster inside of me.

696. Oh, for crying

697. out loud, Malcolm,

698. that's no monster.

699. That's your conscience.

700. You should be thankful

701. God gave you one.

702. Yeah. It feels great.

703. I'm serious.

704. It's a gift.

705. And you know what most

706. people do with theirs?

707. They keep them in the

708. closet all year and

709. they bring them out

710. only when they think

711. he's coming to visit.

712. You're not like that.

713. Good for you.

714. But I can't stop

715. thinking about it.

716. Ow!

717. Were you thinking

718. about it just then?

719. No!

720. See? I promise

721. you will feel

722. bad about Kevin

723. only as long as

724. you're supposed to.

725. Now go to bed.

726. You're a nice

727. boy, Malcolm,

728. and I'll kick

729. the conniption

730. out of anybody

731. who says you aren't,

732. including that little

733. voice in your head.

734. Okay.

735. Good night, Mom.

736. Good night, sweetie.

737. Night, Dad.

738. Good night, son.