Malcolm in the Middle 1x3

1. And then there's a big

2. explosion and lots of bubbles.

3. That's where

4. babies come from.

5. Oh, well, you know,

6. close enough.

7. I did the math once.

8. It turns out,

9. every 17.4 dinners,

10. my family actually has

11. a pleasant meal together.

12. Hey, look at this.

13. I made a pea angel.

14. Oh, you're a pea angel.

15. Stop playing with your food.

16. Oh, Mom...

17. Don't you dare.

18. Relax, I wasn't

19. really going to.

20. Then don't.

21. I wasn't going to.

22. Then don't.

23. Well, don't accuse me

24. of something

25. that I wasn't going to do.

26. Interesting mood shift.

27. It would take hours to explain

28. the psychology behind this.

29. So let me just put it this way:

30. dynamite...

31. kid with matches.

32. You're going to throw

33. that at Mom?

34. I wasn't going to.

35. Oh, geez Louise. Reese...

36. Hal, I can handle this.

37. Reese, I'm warning you.

38. I wasn't going to.

39. But if you think I would,

40. then maybe I should.

41. Oh, good.

42. Now he's panicking.

43. Just put the spoon down

44. and apologize.

45. Okay, she gave

46. him an out.

47. Apologize for what?

48. I wasn't going

49. to do anything.

50. Just stop talking!

51. Just stop talking

52. and let me think!

53. Dad, do something.

54. I got it.

55. What do you think you're doing?

56. I'm being cute and spontaneous?

57. Ker-splat!

58. Don't do it.

59. I wasn't going to.

60. Yep, this is

61. a good dinner.

62. Malcolm.

63. Yeah?

64. Can I see you for a minute,

65. please?

66. Ooh!

67. Teacher's favorite.

68. Teacher's pet.

69. "Dear... Penthouse..."

70. "Yesterday I pushed

71. my friend Stevie

72. down some stairs."

73. Point... taken.

74. What?

75. Malcolm, I'm

76. a little concerned.

77. You're doing very well

78. in your studies,

79. but... I still sense

80. an emotional distance

81. between us,

82. and I hate it.

83. I'd really like us

84. to try to connect

85. on a deeper level.

86. Whoa. She is coming on to me.

87. I thought you were

88. dating the janitor.

89. Who told you that?

90. God. One drink and...

91. Never mind.

92. What I am trying to say is

93. I know your parents.

94. I know you have

95. a colorful home life.

96. So, just remember, if you ever

97. need anything at all—

98. a sympathetic ear,

99. a shoulder to cry on—

100. I want you to come to me.

101. Yeah. That's what

102. I need— another mom.

103. Okay. Great.

104. Okay.

105. Thanks a lot.

106. Well, I got to go

107. do the... thing.

108. And then I drew

109. a robot, Francis.

110. But my crayon broke.

111. And then I had

112. a Popsicle.

113. I mean,

114. I had 12 popsicles.

115. You like popsicles,

116. Francis?

117. Shut up, Dewey.

118. Stop bugging Francis.

119. I'm so glad you're home.

120. You don't know

121. what it's like

122. dealing with these

123. little kids all day.

124. It's the coolest thing.

125. It's the first time Francis

126. is home from military school.

127. Mom and Dad are going off

128. to some wedding,

129. and Francis is in charge of us

130. for the whole weekend.

131. I can't believe how much

132. I missed him.

133. Hey.

134. Huh.

135. He's so great.

136. Boys! The number for the hotel

137. is on the counter.

138. I left money for pizza,

139. but I want a receipt

140. and exact change.

141. Yep, that underwear

142. is going to wrinkle.

143. You know, it's kind of

144. nice having Francis

145. back in the house,

146. don't you think?

147. What?

148. Nothing. You're just cute

149. when you think

150. you're being subtle.

151. Really?

152. Of course it's nice

153. having Francis home.

154. Well, it's been

155. a few months now.

156. Maybe it's time to, you know,

157. think about it.

158. I don't know. Maybe.

159. We'll see how he

160. does this weekend.

161. God, I hate this hairdo.

162. I don't even know

163. why I bother

164. trying to impress

165. your family anymore.

166. They've always hated me.

167. Well, you are

168. the one who stole

169. their little Hally

170. away from them.

171. Better get moving.

172. And then it got away.

173. But I found another one,

174. but it died.

175. And then...

176. I said leave him alone,

177. you butt-munch.

178. Let me go.

179. Make me.

180. Guys, quit it.

181. Listen for a second.

182. I just heard Mom and Dad.

183. They're thinking about

184. letting Francis come home.

185. You serious?

186. Yeah. They want to see

187. how he does with us

188. this weekend.

189. Okay? So we

190. can't screw up.

191. Cool.

192. Let's go tell him.

193. No.

194. You know how Francis gets when

195. people tell him what to do.

196. I am warning you.

197. If you get your

198. nose pierced,

199. you are going

200. to military school.

201. And I mean it. Really.

202. Do you hear me?

203. Hey, Mom.

204. What's for dinner?

205. Right.

206. What are we going to do?

207. We're going to be good,

208. that's what.

209. How do we be good?

210. I don't know.

211. Honestly, it's never

212. come up before.

213. Look, we're just not

214. going to do anything.

215. That way, we can't

216. get in any trouble.

217. Honey.

218. We're late.

219. We better hit the road.

220. Fine. I'll shave my

221. legs in the car.

222. Okay. I've marked

223. all the liquor bottles,

224. and we can taste when

225. they're watered down.

226. I've locked out the

227. smut channel on the TV,

228. counted your

229. father's cigars.

230. I've checked the odometer

231. on the car.

232. I know the exact balance

233. of all our credit cards.

234. We love you.

235. Have a good time.

236. And just remember,

237. Dewey will tell us

238. everything you did

239. while we're gone.

240. Uh, what your

241. mother said, boys.

242. Minus one.

243. Don't even think about it.

244. Think about what?

245. She's bluffing.

246. Okay, I am going

247. to show you guys

248. the coolest thing

249. you have ever seen.

250. Get me some

251. lighter fluid,

252. a waffle iron and one of

253. Dewey's stuffed animals.

254. The furrier, the better.

255. Actually, we're

256. kind of tired.

257. Tired?

258. Yeah. Tired.

259. I'm not tired.

260. Okay, yeah, I'm tired.

261. Let's just go

262. watch TV.

263. Whatever.

264. lines up his shot.

265. I've never seen this kind

266. of excitement...

267. This plan better work.

268. The only thing worse than no TV

269. is golf on TV.

270. Oh, come on, guys.

271. Let's go outside.

272. Let's go do something.

273. No. They're only

274. on the sixth hole.

275. They're only on the sixth hole.

276. Hello.

277. Francis, bud, I heard you

278. were in town.

279. You da man, Francis!

280. Hey, guys, what's going on?

281. Same old,

282. same old, man.

283. Oh, Circus says hi.

284. Dude, you're not

285. going to believe it.

286. I finally moved out.

287. I'm living in the

288. basement now.

289. Total freedom, dude.

290. You da man, Francis!

291. Mom, you're

292. supposed to knock.

293. Dude, we're coming over.

294. Okay. Hey, Richie and the guys

295. are coming over.

296. Maybe they shouldn't.

297. You know, Mom and Dad

298. are gone.

299. Okay, got it.

300. Hey, Richie, listen to me.

301. I'm watching my brothers,

302. so we got to hang here.

303. And no parties, okay?

304. I'm serious.

305. It's got to be

306. just the three of you.

307. Huh. You wouldn't think

308. only three guys

309. could do so much damage.

310. Call us next time

311. you're in town.

312. You da man, Francis!

313. (neighbors chatting

314. indistinctly)

315. Are you trying

316. to seduce me?

317. I can't believe we're

318. going to this wedding.

319. What a waste of time.

320. Oh, come on, I promise

321. it'll be fun.

322. Hal, I'm not Dewey.

323. Sorry. But still,

324. we're alone,

325. we're away from the kids.

326. Right now, we're just two

327. unencumbered consenting adults.

328. I say we enjoy it.

329. Yeah, you're right.

330. It will be nice to have some

331. time for just the two of us.

332. And I'm going to love

333. not having

334. to yell at somebody

335. every 20 seconds.

336. Either speed up or get

337. off the road, jackass!

338. Absolutely deserved it.

339. I hate those guys.

340. Did you see Circus break

341. that cinder block with his head?

342. That's a good lesson

343. for you guys.

344. It didn't break

345. the first six times.

346. But did he quit trying?

347. No, sir.

348. Francis, we have

349. to clean this up.

350. Yeah.

351. No. I mean now.

352. If Mom and Dad see this,

353. they'll freak.

354. So what else is new?

355. They always freak.

356. I'm used to it.

357. No!

358. This is different.

359. We have to clean up.

360. Okay, what's with you guys?

361. I'm in charge here.

362. I'm the only one who's going to

363. get in trouble. Just relax.

364. But we want you to come home.

365. What?

366. I heard Mom and Dad talking.

367. This weekend is like

368. a test for you. Or a trap.

369. If you do good,

370. they may let you come home.

371. And if you don't,

372. they're going to toss your butt

373. back into military school.

374. Okay, look...

375. Francis,

376. it sucks around

377. here without you.

378. Can't you just

379. try for our sake?

380. Look, guys, I appreciate

381. your sentiment.

382. But they're not going

383. to decide my whole future

384. based on how I behave

385. over one weekend

386. without even telling me

387. about it.

388. It's too arbitrary.

389. It's unreasonable.

390. It's Mom.

391. Okay, let's clean up.

392. It's perfect.

393. The house has never

394. been this clean.

395. Uh-oh.

396. What?

397. It's too clean.

398. You're right.

399. They'll never buy it.

400. Ah. Looks like

401. we're the only ones

402. who gave them pot holders.

403. Oh.

404. Hi.

405. Hi.

406. It's great

407. to see you.

408. You, too.

409. You look terrific.

410. How long do you

411. think it's been?

412. I don't know.

413. Will you excuse me?

414. Oh, that was worth

415. driving 600 miles for.

416. Who was that guy?

417. It's the groom, Hal.

418. Huh.

419. I wish people would wear

420. name tags at these things.

421. Oh, perfect.

422. Nice touch with the

423. bread crumbs, Dewey.

424. Huh?

425. I clipped my toenails

426. on the coffee table.

427. Attaboy. She will

428. never know a thing.

429. Wait.

430. Ta-da!

431. Ow! (groans)

432. Ow! Ow! Ow!

433. Malcolm.

434. Ow! Ow.

435. Malcolm, are you okay?

436. I think so.

437. Ow!

438. Hold still.

439. Come here,

440. let me see it.

441. Let me see it.

442. How does it look?

443. Not... too bad.

444. Put his face back on!

445. What?

446. Oh, man, what's that

447. white stuff? Is that bone?

448. What?

449. Reese, get ice

450. and some paper towels.

451. Ow! Ow! Ow!

452. Sit down. We have to

453. put pressure on it.

454. Ow! Ow!

455. I'm sorry.

456. I have to put

457. pressure on it.

458. Reese, give me the ice!

459. Come on.

460. We don't have any ice.

461. We got this.

462. Fine. Give me some antiseptic.

463. Don't answer that.

464. Let the machine...

465. Hello.

466. Hi, Dewey.

467. Hi, Mom.

468. Hi. We're just calling

469. to check in.

470. Let me speak with Francis.

471. He's...

472. in the bathroom.

473. Oh. Well, let me talk

474. to Malcolm.

475. He's in the bathroom.

476. They're both in the bathroom?

477. What are they doing in there?

478. I have to go to the bathroom.

479. We have to get you stitches.

480. Let's go to the hospital.

481. No! You can't. Mom and

482. Dad will find out.

483. Malcolm,

484. this is a head injury.

485. You could have a concussion.

486. Concussion? I think

487. he's making too much of this.

488. I'm not as figgled

489. as he hoogers.

490. No! I don't care.

491. I'm not going to the hospital.

492. Do you hear me?

493. There is no way that I...

494. Get the car.

495. I can't see anything.

496. Do you want to get blood

497. all over the car?

498. Wait! We can't take the car.

499. They'll know.

500. Mom checked the odometer,

501. remember?

502. I'm on top of it.

503. Whee! Hi, school!

504. Oh, Malcolm, you

505. should see this!

506. Francis is

507. kicking ass!

508. I hate this '80s crap.

509. One good thing

510. about a head injury:

511. There's a good chance

512. I won't remember any of this.

513. Oh, great.

514. A one-way street.

515. How does that work if

516. I'm going backwards?

517. And on this joyous day,

518. as we celebrate the occasion

519. of two souls

520. joining into one...

521. Do you think this

522. is going to be

523. one of those long services?

524. What's wrong?

525. Did you know

526. that your family

527. has given me a nickname?

528. Really?

529. That's nice.

530. What is it?

531. Lois... Common... Denominator.

532. Hey, come on.

533. It's just that they've

534. never seen anyone like you.

535. I mean, you're, you're

536. honest, and, uh...

537. unpretentious.

538. Direct.

539. They're baffled by that.

540. I'm the only one

541. that gets you, Lois,

542. and, frankly, I...

543. I like that.

544. Kind of makes you

545. my secret treasure.

546. Oh, Hal.

547. between the Lord and us,

548. his servants,

549. two people

550. brought together in love...

551. Oh, for God's sake.

552. You kids again?

553. And a head injury.

554. You boys like to keep it

555. interesting, don't you?

556. We kind of have a history here.

557. Look, Doc, uh,

558. about the bill...

559. Oh, don't worry.

560. We'll send it to your parents.

561. Yeah, well...

562. we were kind of thinking

563. we'd pay for it now.

564. Okeydokey, but it's probably

565. going to be about $400.

566. What?

567. $400?

568. Don't you have some kind

569. of frequent customer discount

570. like at the car wash?

571. Or maybe we could work it off.

572. We could empty bedpans,

573. or wash cadavers.

574. It's probably not nearly as cool

575. as it sounds.

576. Sorry.

577. Well, we're screwed.

578. Come on, there's

579. got to be something

580. we can do, someone

581. we can call.

582. There's no one, Malcolm.

583. Actually, there might be,

584. but I'm not sure

585. if it's worth it.

586. (gasping):

587. Oh, Malcolm!

588. Are you all right?

589. Sorry it took

590. me so long.

591. I was having a little

592. Chardonnay when you called,

593. and I had to take a cab.

594. Oh, God, I knew we made

595. a deeper connection.

596. I just knew it.

597. Now, I know it's

598. going to be hard

599. to turn against your parents,

600. but in time, you'll see...

601. No! You don't understand.

602. My parents didn't do this.

603. It was just an accident,

604. and they can't find out

605. about it.

606. What?

607. It's kind of complicated.

608. See, my parents are away

609. at a wedding,

610. and my brother is home

611. from military school

612. to take care of us.

613. And, you know,

614. I don't think people

615. should be punished just 'cause

616. their dad uses cheap nails.

617. And we need...

618. We need $400, lady.

619. Will you let me talk?

620. We need the money

621. for the doctor bill

622. because if my parents find out

623. that I got hurt,

624. then they'll send Francis away,

625. and we'll never

626. see him again, and, you know,

627. we love him.

628. Malcolm, I can't do that.

629. But you said,

630. if I ever needed anything...

631. Yes, I was talking

632. about emotional stuff.

633. I... Do you have any idea

634. what a teacher earns?

635. I have $62 in my

636. checking account.

637. They take credit cards.

638. I'm sorry.

639. I'm... I'm-I'm just sorry.

640. We can break her.

641. Guilt. Go for guilt.

642. I got it.

643. That's okay.

644. Thanks, anyway.

645. Well, squirt,

646. looks like I'm

647. going to be going

648. back to military school

649. and I'm not going

650. to see you for a really,

651. really long time.

652. But I need you to be brave.

653. Can you do that for me,

654. huh, squirt?

655. Stop, Francis!

656. I wish I

657. could, kiddo,

658. but I can't.

659. Why are you doing this?

660. I'm not doing this, Dewey.

661. It's just the way life is

662. sometimes.

663. Please stop crying.

664. It hurts!

665. I know it does.

666. It hurts me, too.

667. Wait! I'll, I'll do it.

668. I guess Jamaica

669. isn't going anywhere.

670. Where is my credit card?

671. It fell out

672. of your wallet.

673. How did that happen? It...

674. Let's go.

675. Processing is

676. right over there.

677. It's right near the

678. vending machines.

679. Do you have any change?

680. Thank you.

681. Way to take one

682. for the team, buddy.

683. When we get home,

684. you can eat ice cream

685. until you puke.

686. (still sobbing):

687. Yay.

688. Huh. Well...

689. I don't see any holes

690. or crappy attempts

691. to plaster them up.

692. But I'm sure there's something.

693. There's always something.

694. What are you hiding

695. underneath that hat?

696. Nothing. I was just wearing...

697. You boys.

698. That's it?

699. So, you guys think

700. Francis did a good job

701. taking care of us, then?

702. Oh, a great job.

703. Yeah?

704. Absolutely.

705. You know, Francis,

706. we were having our doubts

707. about that school, but

708. it's really matured you.

709. In fact, I think it's the

710. best decision we ever made.

711. 62,437.

712. zero.

713. So, we get to see Francis again

714. in a month or two.

715. I know. It sucks,

716. but we gave it a shot.

717. And school's easier now

718. because Caroline won't even

719. make eye contact

720. with me anymore,

721. so it wasn't a complete waste,

722. and Mom always says

723. it's not a wasted experience

724. if you learn something from it,

725. and I definitely think I did.

726. Okay! Ready!