Malcolm in the Middle 1x2

Directed by Arlene Sanford

Adam Hendershott as Adam • Paul Willson as Ed • Karim Prince as Stanley • Joel McCrary as Attendant • Daniel Escobar as Franklin

Lois must take drastic steps to discover which of her sons ruined the special dress she bought for an anniversary dinner with Hal.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. What'd you do?

2. What?

3. Don't give me that.

4. What'd you do?

5. Nothing.

6. Mom, I'm trying

7. to study.

8. Oh.

9. Then I'm sure

10. you don't mind if I, uh...

11. took a look in here.

12. Mom, I'm telling you.

13. We didn't do anything.

14. Oh, you boys are

15. up to something.

16. I can smell it.

17. If you've broken another window,

18. it is gonna come out of your...

19. Are you done?

20. You want to frisk me?

21. You just consider

22. yourselves lucky.

23. This time.

24. That was close.

25. Either she's losing her touch,

26. or we're getting better.

27. The good thing

28. about being smart

29. is I never have to look up

30. any phone numbers.

31. The bad thing is

32. no one else in the family

33. ever bothers

34. to remember anything.

35. Hey, Francis, you told me

36. to remind you

37. about Mom and Dad's anniversary.

38. Ah, great.

39. When is that?

40. Today.

41. Dude, you're supposed

42. to remind me before

43. so that I can

44. get them something.

45. That's okay.

46. We'll put your name on our gift.

47. Cool. Thanks, man.

48. I owe you one.

49. No, you owe me 20.

50. That's what your share comes to.

51. You got 'em an $80 gift?

52. Uh...

53. Yeah.

54. Oh, Craig.

55. Happy anniversary.

56. 16 wonderful years

57. to the same man.

58. That Hal is

59. one lucky hombre.

60. Craig, you

61. shouldn't have.

62. Oh, please.

63. Special gift

64. for a special lady

65. on a special day.

66. No, I mean, really,

67. you shouldn't have.

68. Aren't only husbands

69. supposed to give you gifts?

70. Fine, throw it

71. in the trash, then.

72. H-H-Hold on.

73. Well, let's see

74. what it is first.

75. Oh, look at...

76. I've been meaning

77. to try this color.

78. I know, I saw you eyeing it

79. a couple weeks ago.

80. I didn't know we

81. carried this brand.

82. We don't.

83. So where did you

84. see me...?

85. So, uh, big plans

86. for tonight?

87. What are you gonna

88. be wearing? (chuckles)

89. Oh, it's gonna

90. be great.

91. I have the most perfect

92. red dress, I...

93. Took me two months

94. to save up for it,

95. but it was worth it.

96. Oh, I've been fantasizing

97. about this night forever.

98. Craig?

99. Huh.

100. Yeah, uh, say, Lois,

101. uh, you...

102. y-you want to go catch a movie

103. or something over lunch?

104. Uh, they're playing

105. My Best Friend's Wedding

106. over in Electronics.

107. Mm, no, thanks.

108. I don't...

109. Fine, forget it.

110. I'm okay!

111. Are you boys almost finished

112. wrapping our present?

113. I have to meet your father at

114. the restaurant in ten minutes!

115. More paper.

116. I get to do the bow.

117. Why'd she give you the

118. money to buy the gift?

119. Because she didn't want

120. another karate video.

121. It's "ka-ra-tay."

122. I get to do the bow.

123. What'd we get

124. them anyway?

125. Picture frame.

126. Brownnoser.

127. I get to do the bow.

128. We're not finished yet.

129. Yeah, but I get to do the bow.

130. Finished.

131. Finally.

132. No! I was supposed

133. to do the bow.

134. Well, you should

135. have said something.

136. I'm telling.

137. Mom...!

138. No...!

139. Fire?

140. Fire?

141. Fire?

142. Mom! What's...?

143. This is the most stupid,

144. irresponsible,

145. dangerous thing

146. you have ever done!

147. Is this what you want?

148. Where we have to identify

149. your charred little bodies

150. through their dental records?

151. I want a straight answer.

152. Who did this?

153. Malcolm did it!

154. Reese did it!

155. I didn't do it!

156. I didn't do it!

157. We're going to the dentist?

158. Who?

159. I don't like

160. that one anyway.

161. No. No. Not that one.

162. Who?

163. It wasn't me.

164. It was him.

165. It was him,

166. it was him.

167. Okay. Into the hallway.

168. I think I'm gonna puke.

169. Yeah? Well, that's gonna be

170. the highlight of your evening,

171. because nobody is going anywhere

172. till one of you tells me who.

173. And everything's

174. all set up?

175. I believe so, sir.

176. Table seven?

177. Chateau Brut '87?

178. Hors d'oeuvres medley?

179. Yes, sir.

180. Ooh, geez.

181. One more thing.

182. I almost forgot.

183. See, uh, my wife

184. always orders lobster,

185. so could you have

186. the chef slip this

187. on the lobster's claw

188. just before you serve it?

189. She gets such a kick

190. out of stuff like that.

191. And so do I,

192. for that matter.

193. Not a problem, sir.

194. The violinist

195. has our song?

196. He received the sheet music

197. this morning.

198. Good. Good, good,

199. good, good.

200. You would be surprised

201. how many times

202. I've heard "Tears of a

203. Clown" just butchered.

204. Tell her.

205. You tell her.

206. Who?

207. (Malcolm and Reese accuse

208. each other indistinctly)

209. Okay, okay, closer to the wall!

210. Wait, Mom, seriously,

211. it reeks over here.

212. I can't help it.

213. Okay, into the TV room.

214. Let's go.

215. I'll give you $5

216. if you tell Mom you did it.

217. You tell her.

218. You did it, 'cause

219. I didn't do it.

220. I really didn't.

221. What are you eating?

222. Nothing.

223. Why don't you

224. guys shut up

225. so I can think

226. of something?

227. What's there

228. to think of?

229. There's nothing we can do.

230. I've never seen Mom so mad.

231. Me, either.

232. Reese is right.

233. We're out of our league.

234. There's only one person

235. who ever had Mom this mad

236. at them and survived.

237. Hello.

238. And she has your heads where?

239. Under the couch.

240. All because Reese

241. won't admit he did it.

242. You admit it.

243. I didn't do it.

244. Neither did I.

245. Liar.

246. Whoa, wh-whoa.

247. Chill. You are not gonna

248. get anywhere

249. fighting with each other.

250. Now, first of all,

251. you all burned the dress.

252. I didn't.

253. Hey, you all did it.

254. You have to stay together.

255. You have to stay united.

256. United against who?

257. My mom.

258. Nice.

259. Okay, now, no one broke so far,

260. so you should be proud

261. of yourselves.

262. Did she do the toy thing yet?

263. Yep.

264. Spinning?

265. Uh-uh.

266. Okay, good.

267. I think I know

268. where she's going.

269. Separate interviews.

270. Listen, when she gets you alone,

271. she's going to pretend

272. she's on your side.

273. She's not.

274. Go ahead.

275. It's a name brand.

276. I'm not mad at you.

277. I know you

278. didn't do this.

279. You're a good boy.

280. But I want you to help

281. me find out who did.

282. This is serious.

283. One of your brothers could

284. have burned the house down.

285. And for that, he will

286. be severely punished.

287. But the one who helps me

288. will be a very happy boy.

289. And I want that

290. to be you.

291. 'Cause you've always

292. been the best one.

293. You've always been

294. the best one.

295. You have always

296. been the best one.

297. Mom, honestly,

298. I don't know who did it.

299. I don't know.

300. Don't know.

301. Well, I guess you boys think

302. you've got your old mom

303. over a barrel, huh?

304. Well, we'll just see about that.

305. If you boys

306. want to play,

307. we can play all night long.

308. Sir?

309. Mmm.

310. Oh.

311. Thank you.

312. Thank you.

313. Oh, can I have another

314. vodka martini, please?

315. Very good.

316. This time, let's go

317. olive, onion, olive.

318. Whatever.

319. W-What's that? I

320. can't hear you.

321. She's killing us!

322. Why does she have to ruin

323. everything I love?

324. Francis, I'm just going

325. to tell her I did it.

326. I know it wasn't me, but

327. anything is better than this!

328. Oh, God.

329. That is bad.

330. They tried that psych-ops

331. stuff on Noriega.

332. They said that

333. by the end,

334. he wanted to cut

335. his own ears off.

336. Malcolm, you cannot crack now.

337. She will own you

338. for the rest of your life.

339. Now, listen to me, Malcolm.

340. You have to do

341. exactly what I say.

342. (boys sing along):

343. Did you see that?

344. Hey!

345. Francis is a genius!

346. Come on, sing louder!

347. Oh, this is so cute!

348. Oh, your grandmother

349. and all your friends

350. are just going to love this

351. at your next

352. birthday party.

353. You're kidding me.

354. Okay, just

355. hang in there.

356. Give me a minute

357. to think.

358. Damn, she's good.

359. Did they crack?

360. Nah, Dewey faked

361. a stomach cramp,

362. bought 'em some time.

363. Good man.

364. Man, if we would have had

365. your mom in 'Nam,

366. there'd be a McDonald's

367. in Hanoi Square right now.

368. Dude, there is a McDonald's

369. in Hanoi Square.

370. All right.

371. Franklin,

372. I'm ready to order.

373. Are you sure, sir?

374. Mm-hmm. See, in our family,

375. we have a saying.

376. "After an hour, eat without her.

377. If it's any longer,

378. something's wronger."

379. Very catchy, sir.

380. Well, when life

381. gives you lemons,

382. make lemonade, Franklin.

383. Do you have any lemonade?

384. No, sir.

385. Oh.

386. You have lemons?

387. Yes, sir.

388. Well, throw one

389. in another martini

390. and let's hear

391. those specials.

392. What's she doing?

393. Can't tell.

394. Maybe she left.

395. Yeah, I'm sure she's gone

396. out to buy us all presents.

397. Hooray.

398. Man, it's just

399. too quiet out there.

400. It's driving me crazy.

401. Maybe we should sing some more.

402. Shut up, Dewey.

403. I wonder how many holes

404. are up in those tiles.

405. 186,480.

406. You counted all those?

407. No, you just count one tile's

408. holes, across and down,

409. multiply it, then multiply it

410. again by the number of tiles.

411. You're doing that more and more.

412. Doing what?

413. That brain thing.

414. Are you just going to keep

415. getting smarter and weirder?

416. I don't know.

417. Well, can you tone it down

418. a little bit?

419. 'Cause I can't keep up

420. with all these butt-kickings.

421. What are you talking about?

422. Well, at least twice a day

423. I have to whoop-ass

424. on some kid

425. calling you a weirdo.

426. Honestly, it's exhausting.

427. You beat up people

428. 'cause they call me a weirdo?

429. Well, the last kid,

430. he was a freak anyways.

431. He was in no position

432. to throw out names.

433. Thanks.

434. For what?

435. Nothing.

436. Hey.

437. What am I thinking right now?

438. I'm smart; I'm

439. not psychic.

440. Can you understand

441. what dogs are saying?

442. No.

443. I can.

444. Oh, boys.

445. I don't know who put you up to

446. this sticking-together garbage,

447. but I don't like it.

448. Therefore, you have forced me

449. to do something terrible.

450. Say good-bye to a cherished

451. family member.

452. Who?

453. No!

454. No!

455. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

456. Don't you dare.

457. And don't move a muscle.

458. Hi, Lois.

459. Look, Ed, uh, it's 9:00.

460. I'm a little busy right now.

461. Well, you see,

462. there's the problem.

463. It's 9:00 at night, and I

464. keep hearing screaming.

465. Now, this didn't sound

466. like your normal screaming.

467. It-it was more like

468. killing-screaming.

469. I'm not one

470. to complain...

471. That's why we like you.

472. In your room...

473. (distorted):

474. now.

475. Nice place

476. you got here.

477. Thank you, sir.

478. I like to create

479. an atmosphere.

480. Did you enjoy your meal, sir?

481. Well, if you can call

482. four olives, two onions

483. and a whole lot

484. of alcohol a meal,

485. then, yes.

486. Very good, sir.

487. Uh...

488. What have you got in

489. the cologne department?

490. Um, were you looking

491. for anything in particular?

492. Well, I've been thinking

493. about a signature scent.

494. Uh-huh.

495. You see, I-I'd like to leave

496. a room and have people say,

497. "Boy, smells like

498. Hal in here."

499. Mmm?

500. But in a nice way.

501. Yeah.

502. Right.

503. Uh, let's see... you...

504. You strike me as a...

505. sandalwood.

506. Sandalwood, huh?

507. Sandalwood.

508. Let's give it a

509. smell-see, shall we?

510. Eh?

511. Yes.

512. That's quite nice.

513. Hit me.

514. Here we go.

515. Oh, that's... that

516. is quite nice.

517. Ooh!

518. You do a service

519. to your craft, sir.

520. This man is a genius.

521. Snooty bastard.

522. You'd think this place would

523. be the great equalizer, huh?

524. You know, even a king

525. looks like a fool

526. when he's answering

527. nature's call, am I right?

528. Of course I'm right.

529. Well, it's been

530. a pleasure.

531. Oh.

532. Sorry.

533. Have a good evening.

534. Uh, sir?

535. Yes.

536. Thank you for making

537. eye contact with me.

538. Boys, I just, I don't know

539. what to do anymore.

540. I don't want to punish anyone.

541. All I want is the truth.

542. I don't know

543. how things got this far,

544. but I just want it to stop.

545. Nah, they'll never buy it.

546. Oh, my God, Hal.

547. They saved the TV.

548. Beautiful work,

549. beautiful!

550. You have her exactly where you

551. want her— totally crazy.

552. Now it's time

553. to take the offensive.

554. The offensive?

555. Exactly. She won't...

556. Wait a minute.

557. Did you hear breathing?

558. What?

559. Mom?

560. Malcolm.

561. Would you hang up

562. the phone, please?

563. Hi, Mom.

564. Happy anniversary.

565. Not good. Not good.

566. What is it? What?

567. Mom! Phone!

568. Oh! Oh, man. Oh, man.

569. We're gonna die!

570. That's it.

571. I got to run away.

572. Oh. Wait!

573. We can get

574. out of this.

575. You have to use

576. that brain of yours.

577. Think.

578. Think!

579. All I can think about

580. is how hard he's

581. twisting my nipple.

582. Ow!

583. Okay.

584. Think. Think.

585. I got it.

586. Mmm, here it is.

587. That's our song.

588. Not our song.

589. No, no, not...

590. Can I have...?

591. Another one...

592. I cannot believe you, Francis.

593. You think you are so clever

594. turning them against me,

595. don't you?

596. No, Mom.

597. We did not send you

598. to Marlin Academy

599. so that you could undermine

600. my authority long-distance.

601. Well, why did you send me?

602. Well, it-it was not

603. so that you could undermine

604. my authority.

605. And if I am not mistaken,

606. you are undermining

607. my authority!

608. What are you doing?

609. Y-You're spending

610. your anniversary at home,

611. fixating on a stupid dress.

612. Is that what

613. you wanted tonight?

614. What am I supposed to do,

615. Francis? Let it go?

616. Yes, that is exactly

617. what you should do.

618. Let it go.

619. But you can't, 'cause you can

620. never let anything go.

621. I can, too, let things go.

622. Fine...

623. I can...

624. Fine.

625. I can!

626. Okay, just forget

627. I said anything.

628. I cannot talk to you anymore.

629. Ooh, you make me so mad.

630. Sometimes I just want

631. to break your neck.

632. (sighs) Did you get

633. the cookies I sent you?

634. Yeah, they were great.

635. Good.

636. I swear to God, on paper,

637. this was a great idea.

638. All right, that's it.

639. Get dressed—

640. we're going to dinner.

641. Oh, my God, it did work.

642. What?

643. Dinner.

644. I won't have you boys

645. starving to death.

646. Last thing I need is a bunch

647. of social workers and reporters

648. tearing up the front lawn.

649. Now, hurry up before

650. I change my mind.

651. What about the dress?

652. I really liked that dress.

653. Hey, thanks for the ride, Tony.

654. Anytime, Hal!

655. Hello!

656. Honey?

657. Boys?

658. Anybody home?

659. Hotcha!

660. This evening just keeps getting

661. better and better.

662. (television playing

663. in another room)

664. Hmm.

665. Oh! No, no.

666. Okay, okay.

667. Geez, oh...

668. Not again.