Malcolm in the Middle 1x16

Directed by Ken Kwapis

Kevin Christy as Attendant • Amanda Fuller as April • Marsha Clark as Babysitter • Bea Arthur as Mrs. White • John Michael Miller as Lifeguard

When the family goes to a water park for a day, Dewey is left home with an elderly, stern babysitter. Francis is hustled at pocket billiards by his military-school commandant.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Who wants to make

2. five bucks?

3. How?

4. How?

5. I need someone

6. to take the fall.

7. Oh, my God!

8. What did you do?

9. I can't tell you.

10. Yes or no, no questions asked.

11. Oh, my God!

12. Make it ten.

13. Done.

14. Oh, my God!

15. You're a good son.

16. I got him, honey!

17. I got him!

18. Don't worry.

19. There you go—

20. all pink and shiny.

21. Mmm. Boys?

22. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

23. Ooh! Feel ten pounds lighter.

24. You ready?

25. Oh, yeah. Go.

26. Uh, aah...

27. Dad got us

28. free tickets

29. to the water slide

30. park from work.

31. It takes two days

32. to prep him,

33. but it's worth it.

34. Ooh, smooth as a seal.

35. Ready for that water slide.

36. You know, we haven't been

37. on an outing in a long time.

38. It's nice when we can do things

39. together as a family.

40. Do what together?

41. Why can't I go?

42. Dewey, we discussed this.

43. You have to stay home

44. because of your ear infection.

45. I never get to go.

46. Honey, I know it seems

47. like a pattern,

48. but it's just this.

49. And Disneyland.

50. Oh, and that

51. chocolate factory tour.

52. You know,

53. maybe it's time you stopped

54. sticking dirty things

55. in your ears.

56. Hey, Dewey.

57. How's the ear?

58. Stop teasing

59. him, Reese!

60. You know, if your father

61. doesn't find a babysitter,

62. nobody's going anywhere

63. and we'll just see

64. who's crying then!

65. Oh, no, no, no.

66. It's just the little one.

67. Yeah, the other two

68. aren't going to be

69. anywhere near you.

70. Ever since

71. I can remember,

72. we've always had trouble

73. with babysitters.

74. Hello!

75. Goochy, goochy,

76. goochy, goo.

77. Goochy, goochy...

78. I don't know, sweetie.

79. What do you have

80. behind your back?

81. You little losers!

82. I've had enough of this.

83. You open this door

84. right now.

85. Okay, look. I'm a little

86. claustrophobic, okay?

87. Just open the door!

88. Just let me out!

89. Come on!

90. I don't know.

91. I'm starting to think

92. it might be us.

93. Well, you'd think I'd get bored

94. wiping the floor with my cadets.

95. God knows

96. we enjoy it, sir.

97. Do you know what

98. your problem is, cadet?

99. Discipline.

100. Anything worth doing

101. is worth doing well.

102. Whatever I do,

103. whether it's teaching you boys

104. or mastering tai chi,

105. or playing pool...

106. I focus.

107. I push myself.

108. But you don't commit

109. to anything, son.

110. You're never going

111. to be a winner

112. because you do everything

113. half-assed.

114. Oh, regrettable.

115. You may have spoken too soon,

116. sir.

117. I think you'll find I play pool

118. with my whole ass.

119. Eight ball, corner pocket.

120. Damn.

121. Ah, the fatal scratch.

122. Once again,

123. I waltz with Lady Victory.

124. And until you focus,

125. Francis,

126. she is never going to be

127. your dance partner.

128. Thank you so much for coming

129. on such short notice.

130. And it was so nice

131. of your agency

132. to give us a second chance.

133. You two are going to have

134. so much fun together.

135. Don't you dare hurt her.

136. Hurry,

137. the sun's coming up!

138. Do you want to play something?

139. No.

140. Hey, hey, look, kids.

141. Only 12 more miles

142. to Wavetown, USA.

143. Yay.

144. So, Malcolm, you

145. going to go down the

146. Liquidator this time?

147. Don't pressure

148. the boy, Hal.

149. I'm not pressuring him.

150. I'm just asking.

151. He's scared enough

152. as it is

153. without you making

154. a big deal out of it.

155. Hey, Mom, doesn't

156. Malcolm have to wear

157. his nose plug

158. for his sinuses?

159. Shut up.

160. Oh, that's right.

161. I forgot it.

162. Listen, honey, you just be

163. very careful then, okay?

164. Don't worry,

165. here it is.

166. Oh. Thank you,

167. Reese.

168. Oh, my gosh,

169. look at this!

170. This is awesome!

171. I can't wait

172. to get on the rides.

173. Malcolm, don't think

174. you can take off

175. that nose plug

176. just because I'm not looking.

177. You're going

178. to wear it all day.

179. But I'm not even in the water.

180. Hey. If I catch you,

181. for even one second,

182. not wearing that nose plug,

183. you're going to spend the day

184. in the kiddie

185. sprinkler.

186. So what do you want

187. to do first?

188. What makes you think I want

189. to do anything with you?

190. What's your problem?

191. That nose plug thing

192. was bogus.

193. You crossed the line, Reese.

194. What?

195. You sold me out to Mom.

196. It would've been different

197. if I had done

198. something to you, but...

199. that was

200. totally cold-blooded.

201. Don't be

202. such a baby.

203. What you did to me

204. was an act of war.

205. And believe me,

206. I will get you back.

207. You won't know where or when,

208. but you're gonna pay.

209. You sound funny.

210. You...

211. you wanted to see me, sir?

212. I just got a call

213. from the sheriff

214. that a cocksure,

215. smart-mouthed youth

216. looking very much like yourself

217. has been hustling pool

218. at the local bars.

219. Really, sir?

220. You are in serious trouble,

221. cadet.

222. I can explain...

223. Why have you been holding back

224. when we've played pool?

225. What?

226. I want to know why

227. you've been letting me win.

228. Sir, if I

229. played for real

230. I'd just end up

231. humiliating you

232. in front of the

233. whole school, and...

234. and you'd, you know,

235. torture us all for it.

236. Really, nothing good

237. could come from it, and

238. and, besides,

239. winning seems to

240. make you so happy.

241. I am not a child.

242. Do you really think me

243. so petty that I would throw

244. a tantrum

245. over something so small

246. as a game of pool?

247. My mistake, sir.

248. We are going to play again.

249. And you are going to give me

250. your best game, cadet.

251. And to make sure of that,

252. if you don't win...

253. picture yourself, 0400, awakened

254. from sweet dreams of Mommy,

255. sent outside

256. into the bitter cold

257. to raise our school colors

258. and stand at attention

259. for three hours

260. until reveille is called.

261. Now, picture that

262. for 230 consecutive days.

263. But what if I try my best

264. and I still lose?

265. Then you shall be miserable

266. indeed.

267. Dismissed.

268. Remember, honey,

269. how I promised you

270. that exotic

271. island vacation,

272. but we had to go have

273. children instead?

274. Mm-hmm.

275. Well, I was thinking

276. maybe today could be

277. our little island getaway.

278. We've got the sun,

279. the sand, the palm trees.

280. And I brought

281. the cocktails.

282. It's Malibu rum

283. in a lotion bottle

284. so no one will know

285. the difference.

286. You are so cute when

287. you sneak in alcohol.

288. Hey, Reese,

289. I think I just saw

290. that girl you liked.

291. You know, the one

292. with the really long

293. blonde hair.

294. April?

295. April, that's her.

296. Why'd you say you

297. liked her again?

298. She's real trampy.

299. I hear she kisses

300. with tongue.

301. Is that true, April?

302. Jerk!

303. Now we're even.

304. You geek, you deserved it!

305. Ow!

306. Get out of here!

307. I think

308. those are ours.

309. All right.

310. No. I'll take

311. care of it.

312. Ow!

313. Malcolm, Reese, knock it off!

314. Can I watch TV?

315. No.

316. Can I play video games?

317. No.

318. What can I do?

319. Something quiet.

320. Quieter.

321. I can do this.

322. Keep your arms and legs

323. crossed at all times.

324. Do not bend your legs.

325. Do not raise your head.

326. Remove all piercings.

327. You may have nothing

328. around your neck.

329. Enjoy the ride.

330. Okay, here it goes.

331. On three.

332. One...

333. two...

334. three...!

335. Hey, there, girlie.

336. Let me adjust your bra strap.

337. Now we're even.

338. Oh, no, no,

339. no, no.

340. First, we sort

341. by the number of holes,

342. then by color.

343. What's in your mouth?

344. Nothing.

345. There are at least

346. 20 things I will

347. not tolerate,

348. and lying is one of them.

349. Spit it out.

350. You're eating my buttons.

351. I wasn't eating.

352. I was saving.

353. What are you?

354. A hamster?

355. What were you

356. saving it for?

357. I don't know.

358. It's pretty.

359. It's my favorite one.

360. You know... actually,

361. it's my favorite, too.

362. What do you think

363. of this one?

364. It's ugly. I hate it.

365. So do I.

366. My, you're a, you're

367. a smart little boy.

368. You seem to be practicing

369. pretty hard.

370. I hope you're

371. not planning

372. on doing something stupid,

373. like winning.

374. Look, guys, I know

375. you want me to lose,

376. but Spangler insisted

377. I play a real game.

378. Francis, you can't win.

379. If you do, Spangler's

380. going to take it out on us.

381. Remember when Hendrix

382. beat him playing horse

383. on a lucky shot?

384. We couldn't watch anything

385. but PBS for a week.

386. And that was during

387. pledge drive, man.

388. Guys, come on.

389. Do you have any idea

390. what Spangler's going

391. to do to me if I lose?

392. Do you know what we're going

393. to do to you if you win?

394. Where were we?

395. Mom! You have

396. to stop Reese!

397. He's being

398. a total jerk!

399. Malcolm, does it look like

400. I'm open for business?

401. You have done nothing

402. but pester us.

403. Is it too much to ask

404. that your father and I

405. enjoy one day?

406. But Reese is the one...

407. I don't want to hear it.

408. You either take care

409. of this yourself

410. or I'm gonna lock

411. the two of you in the car

412. for the rest of the day.

413. I mean it.

414. Lifeguard, help!

415. My brother—

416. he can't swim.

417. Out of the way, guys!

418. Drowning boy!

419. Out of the way!

420. Drowning boy!

421. Drowning boy!

422. Drowning boy!

423. Drowning boy!

424. Give him some air, guys.

425. Give him some air.

426. Back up.

427. Sir!

428. Let the people

429. who work here

430. do that.

431. Now we're even.

432. And then I was playing

433. with my imaginary friend,

434. and Reese hit me

435. because he said

436. I shouldn't talk to myself.

437. Well, Reese is a

438. horrid little boy.

439. I mean, there's nothing

440. wrong with having

441. an imaginary friend.

442. I talk to my Harold

443. all the time.

444. You do?

445. Of course.

446. He's here right now.

447. Would he like a cookie?

448. Sure.

449. No, no, no.

450. He's over there.

451. Yes!

452. Yes!

453. Sorry, sir.

454. It's understandable, cadet.

455. I've seen professionals

456. do much worse.

457. I guess the pool gods

458. are smiling on me today.

459. But then, the pool gods

460. can be fickle.

461. That's okay, sir.

462. You'll win the next one.

463. Sir, what are

464. you doing?

465. I think I'm losing.

466. And gracefully, I'd

467. like to be noted.

468. But you could have

469. made that shot.

470. I could say

471. the same thing to you.

472. There were at least

473. a dozen shots

474. that you've held back on.

475. But since you seem

476. to be motivated more

477. by losing,

478. I'm going to beat you

479. at your own game.

480. Huh?

481. I'm going down, cadet.

482. I'm going down hard.

483. But, sir, these guys are going

484. to kick my ass if I win.

485. Well, that's just gravy.

486. May the best man lose.

487. Fudge! It seems

488. I've scratched again.

489. Well, you seem to be

490. on a roll, cadet.

491. ("Mixed Bizness" by Beck

492. playing)

493. Before you say

494. anything, Malcolm,

495. I just want to tell you,

496. I don't want to hear it.

497. Can't you give your mother

498. and me five minutes of peace?

499. You know what? You can

500. have the rest of the day

501. because I've given up.

502. I'm not going to have

503. any fun anyway, so why try?

504. As long as we're

505. on the same page.

506. Today sucked.

507. I've done nothing

508. except chicken out,

509. get laughed at

510. and fight with Reese.

511. So now I'm just

512. going to lie down,

513. enjoy the sun and wait for them

514. to take me home.

515. Now we're even.

516. Now we're...

517. Boys!

518. Reese,

519. I've done some soul-searching

520. in the last few minutes

521. and hereby offer my complete

522. and full apology.

523. It was very wrong of me.

524. I'm truly sorry for my childish

525. and inappropriate behavior

526. and I'd like to think that

527. the terrible guilt I'm feeling

528. is punishment enough for...

529. Hey, there's no

530. cutting in line.

531. Oh, it's you again.

532. Reese, I am

533. so sorry.

534. I really, really mean it.

535. Do you think we're wealthy?

536. What?

537. Do you think we're wealthy?

538. Wealthy people

539. drive fancy cars.

540. They buy fresh pasta.

541. Do we do any of those things?

542. No! Wealthy people

543. can afford

544. to have their vacations ruined.

545. No big deal. They just pick up

546. and they go again.

547. Your father and I

548. work so hard.

549. We work so long.

550. What is wrong with you two?

551. Are you aborigines?

552. Every time I turn around,

553. I hear someone

554. screaming and fighting,

555. and I pray to God

556. it's someone else's kids,

557. but it's not.

558. It's always you!

559. Sane children

560. would appreciate this,

561. but you have to keep nattering

562. at each other like a couple

563. of rabid monkeys!

564. It is not enough

565. that you do this every day.

566. You have to make me suffer, too.

567. So help me!

568. Don't you dare!

569. Arms and legs crossed

570. at all times!

571. That is the bravest thing

572. I've ever seen you do.

573. Yeah.

574. You're going to die.

575. I know.

576. So, do you think

577. she's okay?

578. (screaming and shouting

579. continues)

580. This is the last time

581. I take you boys anywhere!

582. Good playing, cadet.

583. Same to you, sir.

584. Hey, who won?

585. Who cares, man?

586. (people speaking

587. foreign language)