Malcolm in the Middle 1x16

Directed by Ken Kwapis

Kevin Christy as Attendant • Amanda Fuller as April • Marsha Clark as Babysitter • Bea Arthur as Mrs. White • John Michael Miller as Lifeguard

When the family goes to a water park for a day, Dewey is left home with an elderly, stern babysitter. Francis is hustled at pocket billiards by his military-school commandant.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Who wants to make

2. five bucks?

3. How?

4. How?

5. I need someone

6. to take the fall.

7. Oh, my God!

8. What did you do?

9. I can't tell you.

10. Yes or no, no questions asked.

11. Oh, my God!

12. Make it ten.

13. Done.

14. Oh, my God!

15. You're a good son.

16. I got him, honey!

17. I got him!

18. Don't worry.

19. There you go—

20. all pink and shiny.

21. Mmm. Boys?

22. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

23. Ooh! Feel ten pounds lighter.

24. You ready?

25. Oh, yeah. Go.

26. Uh, aah...

27. Dad got us

28. free tickets

29. to the water slide

30. park from work.

31. It takes two days

32. to prep him,

33. but it's worth it.

34. Ooh, smooth as a seal.

35. Ready for that water slide.

36. You know, we haven't been

37. on an outing in a long time.

38. It's nice when we can do things

39. together as a family.

40. Do what together?

41. (sobbing):

42. Why can't I go?

43. Dewey, we discussed this.

44. You have to stay home

45. because of your ear infection.

46. I never get to go.

47. Honey, I know it seems

48. like a pattern,

49. but it's just this.

50. And Disneyland.

51. Oh, and that

52. chocolate factory tour.

53. You know,

54. maybe it's time you stopped

55. sticking dirty things

56. in your ears.

57. Hey, Dewey.

58. How's the ear?

59. Stop teasing

60. him, Reese!

61. You know, if your father

62. doesn't find a babysitter,

63. nobody's going anywhere

64. and we'll just see

65. who's crying then!

66. Oh, no, no, no.

67. It's just the little one.

68. Yeah, the other two

69. aren't going to be

70. anywhere near you.

71. Ever since

72. I can remember,

73. we've always had trouble

74. with babysitters.

75. (cooing):

76. Hello!

77. Goochy, goochy,

78. goochy, goo.

79. Goochy, goochy...

80. I don't know, sweetie.

81. What do you have

82. behind your back?

83. You little losers!

84. I've had enough of this.

85. You open this door

86. right now.

87. Okay, look. I'm a little

88. claustrophobic, okay?

89. Just open the door!

90. Just let me out!

91. Come on!

92. I don't know.

93. I'm starting to think

94. it might be us.

95. Well, you'd think I'd get bored

96. wiping the floor with my cadets.

97. God knows

98. we enjoy it, sir.

99. Do you know what

100. your problem is, cadet?

101. Discipline.

102. Anything worth doing

103. is worth doing well.

104. Whatever I do,

105. whether it's teaching you boys

106. or mastering tai chi,

107. or playing pool...

108. I focus.

109. I push myself.

110. But you don't commit

111. to anything, son.

112. You're never going

113. to be a winner

114. because you do everything

115. half-assed.

116. Oh, regrettable.

117. You may have spoken too soon,

118. sir.

119. I think you'll find I play pool

120. with my whole ass.

121. Eight ball, corner pocket.

122. Damn.

123. Ah, the fatal scratch.

124. Once again,

125. I waltz with Lady Victory.

126. And until you focus,

127. Francis,

128. she is never going to be

129. your dance partner.

130. Thank you so much for coming

131. on such short notice.

132. And it was so nice

133. of your agency

134. to give us a second chance.

135. You two are going to have

136. so much fun together.

137. (quietly):

138. Don't you dare hurt her.

139. Hurry,

140. the sun's coming up!

141. Do you want to play something?

142. No.

143. Hey, hey, look, kids.

144. Only 12 more miles

145. to Wavetown, USA.

146. Yay.

147. So, Malcolm, you

148. going to go down the

149. Liquidator this time?

150. Don't pressure

151. the boy, Hal.

152. I'm not pressuring him.

153. I'm just asking.

154. He's scared enough

155. as it is

156. without you making

157. a big deal out of it.

158. Hey, Mom, doesn't

159. Malcolm have to wear

160. his nose plug

161. for his sinuses?

162. Shut up.

163. Oh, that's right.

164. I forgot it.

165. Listen, honey, you just be

166. very careful then, okay?

167. Don't worry,

168. here it is.

169. Oh. Thank you,

170. Reese.

171. Oh, my gosh,

172. look at this!

173. This is awesome!

174. I can't wait

175. to get on the rides.

176. Malcolm, don't think

177. you can take off

178. that nose plug

179. just because I'm not looking.

180. You're going

181. to wear it all day.

182. But I'm not even in the water.

183. Hey. If I catch you,

184. for even one second,

185. not wearing that nose plug,

186. you're going to spend the day

187. in the kiddie

188. sprinkler.

189. So what do you want

190. to do first?

191. What makes you think I want

192. to do anything with you?

193. What's your problem?

194. That nose plug thing

195. was bogus.

196. You crossed the line, Reese.

197. What?

198. You sold me out to Mom.

199. It would've been different

200. if I had done

201. something to you, but...

202. that was

203. totally cold-blooded.

204. Don't be

205. such a baby.

206. What you did to me

207. was an act of war.

208. And believe me,

209. I will get you back.

210. You won't know where or when,

211. but you're gonna pay.

212. You sound funny.

213. You...

214. you wanted to see me, sir?

215. I just got a call

216. from the sheriff

217. that a cocksure,

218. smart-mouthed youth

219. looking very much like yourself

220. has been hustling pool

221. at the local bars.

222. Really, sir?

223. You are in serious trouble,

224. cadet.

225. I can explain...

226. Why have you been holding back

227. when we've played pool?

228. What?

229. I want to know why

230. you've been letting me win.

231. Sir, if I

232. played for real

233. I'd just end up

234. humiliating you

235. in front of the

236. whole school, and...

237. and you'd, you know,

238. torture us all for it.

239. Really, nothing good

240. could come from it, and

241. and, besides,

242. winning seems to

243. make you so happy.

244. I am not a child.

245. Do you really think me

246. so petty that I would throw

247. a tantrum

248. over something so small

249. as a game of pool?

250. My mistake, sir.

251. We are going to play again.

252. And you are going to give me

253. your best game, cadet.

254. And to make sure of that,

255. if you don't win...

256. picture yourself, 0400, awakened

257. from sweet dreams of Mommy,

258. sent outside

259. into the bitter cold

260. to raise our school colors

261. and stand at attention

262. for three hours

263. until reveille is called.

264. Now, picture that

265. for 230 consecutive days.

266. But what if I try my best

267. and I still lose?

268. Then you shall be miserable

269. indeed.

270. Dismissed.

271. Remember, honey,

272. how I promised you

273. that exotic

274. island vacation,

275. but we had to go have

276. children instead?

277. Mm-hmm.

278. Well, I was thinking

279. maybe today could be

280. our little island getaway.

281. We've got the sun,

282. the sand, the palm trees.

283. And I brought

284. the cocktails.

285. It's Malibu rum

286. in a lotion bottle

287. so no one will know

288. the difference.

289. You are so cute when

290. you sneak in alcohol.

291. Hey, Reese,

292. I think I just saw

293. that girl you liked.

294. You know, the one

295. with the really long

296. blonde hair.

297. April?

298. April, that's her.

299. Why'd you say you

300. liked her again?

301. She's real trampy.

302. I hear she kisses

303. with tongue.

304. Is that true, April?

305. Jerk!

306. Now we're even.

307. You geek, you deserved it!

308. Ow!

309. Get out of here!

310. I think

311. those are ours.

312. All right.

313. No. I'll take

314. care of it.

315. Ow!

316. Malcolm, Reese, knock it off!

317. Can I watch TV?

318. No.

319. Can I play video games?

320. No.

321. What can I do?

322. Something quiet.

323. Quieter.

324. I can do this.

325. Keep your arms and legs

326. crossed at all times.

327. Do not bend your legs.

328. Do not raise your head.

329. Remove all piercings.

330. You may have nothing

331. around your neck.

332. Enjoy the ride.

333. Okay, here it goes.

334. On three.

335. One...

336. two...

337. three...!

338. Hey, there, girlie.

339. Let me adjust your bra strap.

340. Now we're even.

341. Oh, no, no,

342. no, no.

343. First, we sort

344. by the number of holes,

345. then by color.

346. What's in your mouth?

347. Nothing.

348. There are at least

349. 20 things I will

350. not tolerate,

351. and lying is one of them.

352. Spit it out.

353. You're eating my buttons.

354. I wasn't eating.

355. I was saving.

356. What are you?

357. A hamster?

358. What were you

359. saving it for?

360. I don't know.

361. It's pretty.

362. It's my favorite one.

363. You know... actually,

364. it's my favorite, too.

365. What do you think

366. of this one?

367. It's ugly. I hate it.

368. So do I.

369. My, you're a, you're

370. a smart little boy.

371. You seem to be practicing

372. pretty hard.

373. I hope you're

374. not planning

375. on doing something stupid,

376. like winning.

377. Look, guys, I know

378. you want me to lose,

379. but Spangler insisted

380. I play a real game.

381. Francis, you can't win.

382. If you do, Spangler's

383. going to take it out on us.

384. Remember when Hendrix

385. beat him playing horse

386. on a lucky shot?

387. We couldn't watch anything

388. but PBS for a week.

389. And that was during

390. pledge drive, man.

391. Guys, come on.

392. Do you have any idea

393. what Spangler's going

394. to do to me if I lose?

395. Do you know what we're going

396. to do to you if you win?

397. Where were we?

398. Mom! You have

399. to stop Reese!

400. He's being

401. a total jerk!

402. Malcolm, does it look like

403. I'm open for business?

404. You have done nothing

405. but pester us.

406. Is it too much to ask

407. that your father and I

408. enjoy one day?

409. But Reese is the one...

410. I don't want to hear it.

411. You either take care

412. of this yourself

413. or I'm gonna lock

414. the two of you in the car

415. for the rest of the day.

416. I mean it.

417. Lifeguard, help!

418. My brother—

419. he can't swim.

420. Out of the way, guys!

421. Drowning boy!

422. Out of the way!

423. Drowning boy!

424. Drowning boy!

425. Drowning boy!

426. Drowning boy!

427. Give him some air, guys.

428. Give him some air.

429. Back up.

430. Sir!

431. Let the people

432. who work here

433. do that.

434. Now we're even.

435. And then I was playing

436. with my imaginary friend,

437. and Reese hit me

438. because he said

439. I shouldn't talk to myself.

440. Well, Reese is a

441. horrid little boy.

442. I mean, there's nothing

443. wrong with having

444. an imaginary friend.

445. I talk to my Harold

446. all the time.

447. You do?

448. Of course.

449. He's here right now.

450. Would he like a cookie?

451. Sure.

452. No, no, no.

453. He's over there.

454. Yes!

455. Yes!

456. Sorry, sir.

457. It's understandable, cadet.

458. I've seen professionals

459. do much worse.

460. I guess the pool gods

461. are smiling on me today.

462. But then, the pool gods

463. can be fickle.

464. That's okay, sir.

465. You'll win the next one.

466. Sir, what are

467. you doing?

468. I think I'm losing.

469. And gracefully, I'd

470. like to be noted.

471. But you could have

472. made that shot.

473. I could say

474. the same thing to you.

475. There were at least

476. a dozen shots

477. that you've held back on.

478. But since you seem

479. to be motivated more

480. by losing,

481. I'm going to beat you

482. at your own game.

483. Huh?

484. I'm going down, cadet.

485. I'm going down hard.

486. But, sir, these guys are going

487. to kick my ass if I win.

488. Well, that's just gravy.

489. May the best man lose.

490. Fudge! It seems

491. I've scratched again.

492. Well, you seem to be

493. on a roll, cadet.

494. ("Mixed Bizness" by Beck

495. playing)

496. Before you say

497. anything, Malcolm,

498. I just want to tell you,

499. I don't want to hear it.

500. Can't you give your mother

501. and me five minutes of peace?

502. You know what? You can

503. have the rest of the day

504. because I've given up.

505. I'm not going to have

506. any fun anyway, so why try?

507. As long as we're

508. on the same page.

509. Today sucked.

510. I've done nothing

511. except chicken out,

512. get laughed at

513. and fight with Reese.

514. So now I'm just

515. going to lie down,

516. enjoy the sun and wait for them

517. to take me home.

518. Now we're even.

519. Now we're...

520. Boys!

521. Reese,

522. I've done some soul-searching

523. in the last few minutes

524. and hereby offer my complete

525. and full apology.

526. It was very wrong of me.

527. I'm truly sorry for my childish

528. and inappropriate behavior

529. and I'd like to think that

530. the terrible guilt I'm feeling

531. is punishment enough for...

532. Hey, there's no

533. cutting in line.

534. Oh, it's you again.

535. Reese, I am

536. so sorry.

537. I really, really mean it.

538. Do you think we're wealthy?

539. What?

540. Do you think we're wealthy?

541. Wealthy people

542. drive fancy cars.

543. They buy fresh pasta.

544. Do we do any of those things?

545. No! Wealthy people

546. can afford

547. to have their vacations ruined.

548. No big deal. They just pick up

549. and they go again.

550. Your father and I

551. work so hard.

552. We work so long.

553. What is wrong with you two?

554. Are you aborigines?

555. Every time I turn around,

556. I hear someone

557. screaming and fighting,

558. and I pray to God

559. it's someone else's kids,

560. but it's not.

561. It's always you!

562. Sane children

563. would appreciate this,

564. but you have to keep nattering

565. at each other like a couple

566. of rabid monkeys!

567. It is not enough

568. that you do this every day.

569. You have to make me suffer, too.

570. So help me!

571. Don't you dare!

572. Arms and legs crossed

573. at all times!

574. That is the bravest thing

575. I've ever seen you do.

576. Yeah.

577. You're going to die.

578. I know.

579. So, do you think

580. she's okay?

581. (screaming and shouting

582. continues)

583. This is the last time

584. I take you boys anywhere!

585. Good playing, cadet.

586. Same to you, sir.

587. Hey, who won?

588. Who cares, man?

589. (people speaking

590. foreign language)