Malcolm in the Middle 1x15

1. I picked this trick up

2. in camp last year.

3. This is gonna be great.

4. Wait for it.

5. Wait for it...

6. Oh, screw it.

7. Oh, man.

8. What's wrong, Reese?

9. Nothing! Just-just shut up

10. and go to sleep, okay?

11. It's good to be alive.

12. Hey, Dewey, wake up!

13. It's Monday morning.

14. Hooray!

15. I never thought

16. I'd be happy about a Monday,

17. but today's the end of two

18. months of being grounded.

19. Two months!

20. What are you doing?

21. Shut up! I have to finish

22. my history homework.

23. Reese, we couldn't do

24. anything all weekend.

25. No friends,

26. no TV;

27. we did absolutely nothing.

28. And you still managed

29. not to do your homework?

30. Hey, the point is,

31. we never should've

32. been grounded

33. in the first place.

34. He is right.

35. Mom went way overboard.

36. We didn't even do

37. anything that bad.

38. Okay, so if we give you

39. Dewey's bike,

40. Circus will eat

41. a wet dog food sandwich.

42. Right.

43. Sounds good.

44. Okay then.

45. Wait a minute.

46. I don't want you ripping off

47. my little brothers.

48. You only get the bike

49. if he eats the whole can.

50. Done.

51. You the man, Circus.

52. You the man.

53. This is worth it.

54. What you gonna tell Mom?

55. The guy pushed him off...

56. took the bike...

57. and then just ran off.

58. How'd she know we were lying?

59. We were brilliant.

60. How's Mom?

61. Oh, she's got

62. a temperature of 104.

63. I've never seen her this sick.

64. It's like some sort of horrible

65. science experiment in there.

66. Mom's been sick

67. with the flu all weekend.

68. I'd feel more sympathetic,

69. but two months with no TV

70. has killed the part of me

71. that cares.

72. I finally figured out

73. how Mom could tell

74. we were lying.

75. How?

76. Pheromones.

77. She can smell the fear on us.

78. Next time you lie,

79. you have to take a shower first.

80. Okay, boys,

81. look, I got to go to work,

82. but before I do,

83. I want to talk to you

84. for a minute.

85. Now, when I get home,

86. I get to plug this cord

87. back into the TV.

88. So you boys have to behave.

89. You're not the only ones

90. who've suffered with no TV.

91. For all I know, there's

92. a new wrestling champion.

93. So... I want you to get

94. to school on time.

95. And before you leave,

96. you go in there,

97. and tell your mother

98. to feel better.

99. Maybe we should

100. just let her sleep.

101. She slept straight through

102. the last 48 hours.

103. I think it's okay

104. to wake her up for five minutes.

105. Mom?

106. You're starting

107. to look better.

108. He's not lying.

109. Mom kills most germs on contact,

110. but when one does get through,

111. it's a doozy.

112. You kids remember

113. you're not stepping foot

114. out of this house today.

115. Huh?

116. No TV.

117. No friends... till tomorrow.

118. But, Mom...

119. This is the last Sunday

120. of your punishment.

121. But...

122. Okay, Mom, we got it.

123. We're still grounded.

124. What are you doing?

125. Mom slept all weekend.

126. She still thinks

127. it's Sunday.

128. You know what this means?

129. No.

130. We can pretend today's Sunday

131. and stay home from school.

132. Oh, I'm in.

133. Okay, Mom.

134. We're just going to go

135. continue our punishment.

136. And we're definitely

137. not going to school.

138. (quietly):

139. Shut up.

140. Beautiful, huh?

141. Huh?

142. Just came in this week.

143. Just looking.

144. I'm just...

145. Please, take your time,

146. take your time.

147. Enjoy yourself.

148. Wow.

149. I love this car.

150. Yeah.

151. Oh, I see you've added

152. four ponies from last year.

153. We also put in

154. the new skid control system.

155. Oh?

156. Hey, you know,

157. the new brochures just came in.

158. I could show you one

159. if you want.

160. No, I-I-I should get to work.

161. Sir, can I ask,

162. is your job really so important

163. that you can't allow yourself

164. five minutes of pleasure?

165. I have no response to that.

166. Yes!

167. All right!

168. All right, this'll be great!

169. Yes!

170. No, wait, we can't.

171. Someone will see us.

172. We're supposed

173. to be in school.

174. Okay.

175. We'll just stay inside

176. and watch T...

177. Oh, dang!

178. Just give me

179. some time to think.

180. Come on, already,

181. think of something!

182. I'm trying.

183. All I've got

184. are all the reasons

185. this was a stupid idea

186. in the first place.

187. Even if we manage

188. to keep Mom fooled,

189. we're screwed as soon

190. as Dad gets home.

191. It basically means

192. we're gonna sit here

193. bored out of our minds

194. for eight hours

195. and wait for Mom to

196. top our last punishment.

197. How could you be so stupid?

198. I could've done that myself.

199. Get it before Mom wakes up!

200. (deep voice): Hello.

201. Look, Mom.

202. It's all a pack of lies!

203. I had nothing to do with it!

204. Seriously, I was

205. nowhere near that place...

206. Francis?

207. It's Francis? Let me talk.

208. Oh! Oh!

209. Come on, let me talk! Please?

210. What are you guys doing home?

211. Mom's sick.

212. She thinks it's Sunday.

213. We kind of went with it.

214. Cool.

215. Oh, dude, I need you to do me

216. a giant favor.

217. Go check the mail.

218. Okay, there should be

219. a letter there

220. from Southern Alabama State.

221. Yeah, it's here.

222. Why, did you apply there?

223. No.

224. There's probably no point

225. in me ever trying to.

226. I kind of drove a backhoe

227. into their swimming pool.

228. Oh, man. Did they have

229. to drain the pool?

230. No, if you put

231. a ten-foot crack in them,

232. they pretty much

233. drain themselves.

234. They did have to drain

235. the gym, though.

236. Ooh.

237. But I have a plan.

238. I want you to take the letter

239. and hide it.

240. Okay, and then what?

241. And then hopefully...

242. I'll come up

243. with a good idea later.

244. That's all I got so far.

245. Yeah, we're kind of

246. in the same boat.

247. We're stuck in the house

248. with nothing to do.

249. You guys should go down

250. to the arcade on Hillcrest.

251. The manager there has

252. a pretty enlightened outlook

253. about a kid's right to choose

254. his own school hours.

255. We don't have

256. any money, though.

257. All right, you guys

258. are doing me a favor,

259. so I'm gonna let you in

260. on a little secret.

261. Mom keeps some money

262. in the top left drawer

263. of her dresser,

264. but she won't notice

265. if you only take

266. between five and seven dollars.

267. What are

268. you boys doing?

269. Looking for

270. our money.

271. It's not there.

272. I moved it

273. to the back of the closet.

274. Where she hides

275. her Christmas presents?

276. No...

277. I moved those to the attic.

278. Um, Mom, where'd you hide

279. that football

280. I broke the window with?

281. In the garage.

282. And when you made

283. chipped beef on toast

284. last week,

285. was that really beef?

286. Who knows?

287. It was 39 cents a pound.

288. Did Grandpa really

289. punch Jimmy Carter in the face?

290. No, he just threw a rock

291. at the motorcade and ran off.

292. Did you really give

293. my red blanket to the poor kids?

294. No, your father used it

295. to clean the barbecue.

296. I was really adopted,

297. wasn't I?

298. Oh, you're ours...

299. and we love you.

300. Damn.

301. So, um...

302. I don't know.

303. What's your

304. favorite color?

305. For the third time, green.

306. Let's just go.

307. Wait.

308. I got a good one.

309. How'd you know Dewey's bike

310. wasn't really stolen?

311. That is a good one.

312. Francis told me.

313. I can't believe it!

314. Francis ratted on us to Mom!

315. No!

316. He wouldn't do that.

317. You did it!

318. Shut up!

319. He sold us out!

320. Francis is dead

321. to us now!

322. Wait a minute—

323. that makes me

324. the oldest brother.

325. Guys, seriously—

326. if you have any problems,

327. you can come to me.

328. Dewey, get me some ice tea.

329. No!

330. We should just give this to Mom

331. and let him fry.

332. Right.

333. No, wait!

334. It's Francis.

335. We can't just take

336. Mom's word for it.

337. Hey, Malcolm, everything okay?

338. Um, Francis...

339. we were just

340. wondering...

341. Mom said...

342. you ratted on us

343. about Dewey's bike.

344. But she's probably

345. just mixed up, right?

346. Because you're our big brother

347. and you wouldn't do

348. something like

349. that— Francis?

350. You don't know

351. what kind of pressure

352. I was under!

353. You butt-wipe!

354. How could you?

355. Well, did he do it?

356. I can't believe you!

357. You're our big brother!

358. You're supposed

359. to protect us,

360. not betray us.

361. He did it, didn't he?

362. Malcolm, just let me explain...

363. And then you actually

364. have the nerve to ask us

365. to risk our butts for you?

366. Maybe we should just

367. give the letter to Mom.

368. No, you can't do that!

369. Yeah, why not?

370. Because if you give

371. the letter to Mom,

372. she'll know it's not Sunday.

373. I'll just tell her it

374. came special delivery.

375. Yeah, well, she won't believe it

376. 'cause she would have

377. to sign for it.

378. I could forge

379. her signature.

380. But then she'll know

381. you can forge her signature.

382. Which won't

383. matter at all

384. because she'll be

385. so mad at you,

386. she won't even think

387. about me for a few days.

388. And even if she does,

389. I'll just tell her

390. I didn't want

391. to disturb her.

392. So in addition to

393. you getting nailed,

394. I'll get points for

395. being sympathetic.

396. Put Reese on the phone.

397. You know, Hal,

398. owning a Porsche

399. is not just for

400. the wealthy anymore.

401. My lifemate and I,

402. we both drive 'em.

403. Really?

404. Oh, she's a very

405. lucky lady.

406. Oh. A blond.

407. This is going to

408. sound clichéd, Hal,

409. but what can I do to put you

410. in that car today?

411. You can give me $90,000.

412. That's funny.

413. Yeah.

414. Seriously, we have

415. all kinds of financial plans

416. available.

417. Why don't we take it

418. for a test drive?

419. Nah, I... I don't know.

420. I would have to call work and...

421. There's a phone...

422. in the car.

423. So, do we give Mom

424. the letter now

425. or wait till Dad gets home

426. and give him both barrels?

427. Now!

428. Do it now!

429. We're not giving

430. Mom the letter.

431. Of course we are!

432. We have to!

433. He's a traitor!

434. He has to pay!

435. He must suffer!

436. We can't give

437. Mom the letter.

438. She'd kill him.

439. But we can make him

440. think we're giving

441. her the letter.

442. We could make

443. him think

444. we're scuzzy,

445. dirty backstabbers

446. just like he is.

447. Oh, okay.

448. Hello.

449. Hey, it's me.

450. Well, if it isn't

451. the snitch.

452. Hi, snitch.

453. Come on, Malcolm.

454. Let's just end this

455. before it gets out

456. of control.

457. I know how you

458. guys feel.

459. You do, huh?

460. How do we feel?

461. Well... bad.

462. No.

463. The words that

464. come to my mind

465. are revenge,

466. payback, envelope.

467. Malcolm, you're not going

468. to give Mom the letter.

469. I don't think you're in

470. any position to call the shots.

471. No, but... Richie should be

472. right about now.

473. Richie?

474. Yeah?

475. That was the best 12 minutes

476. of my life.

477. Well, I'm glad

478. to hear that, Hal.

479. You know, there are

480. a couple of people

481. I'd like you to meet.

482. Okay, listen up:

483. my mom's in her bedroom,

484. so you gotta keep it down,

485. and remember,

486. don't hurt my brothers.

487. Circus!

488. It's okay. It was ugly.

489. Man, just get the letter

490. and don't let Malcolm

491. out of your sight.

492. He's too smart.

493. Uh-oh.

494. What do you mean, "uh-oh"?

495. What did he do?

496. He's out of breath.

497. Damn it!

498. He hid the letter.

499. Okay, kid,

500. you've got

501. three seconds to tell me

502. or I'm going to pound you

503. within an...

504. Richie!

505. Which part

506. of "no hurting my brothers"

507. didn't you understand?

508. I got to tell you, man,

509. you're not allowing me

510. a single creative

511. thought here.

512. (whispering):

513. Where'd you put it?

514. In the VCR.

515. I know.

516. If we set fire

517. to the house,

518. Malcolm will go

519. right for the letter.

520. Why would he go

521. right for the letter?

522. Well, maybe we should

523. just set fire to the

524. house and find out.

525. Put Justin on the phone.

526. You the man, Francis.

527. You the man!

528. Put Richie back on the phone.

529. Hey, you can tear up

530. the house if you want

531. with my mom here

532. and explain it to her

533. or you can quit

534. and slink away

535. like the monosyllabic

536. mouth-breathers you are.

537. What'd he say?

538. He said a lot of things,

539. but the gist of it is,

540. we got to tear up the house.

541. No, you can't do that. Just...

542. wait a minute,

543. I have an idea.

544. Look at Reese.

545. What's he doing?

546. He's just

547. sitting there.

548. No, look at his eyes.

549. What are his eyes doing?

550. They're looking back at me.

551. Okay, just keep looking at him.

552. He's looking at the VCR.

553. No, I-I was looking at the...

554. the other thing.

555. Bingo! We got it!

556. You're the man, Richie!

557. All right!

558. Who wants a latte?

559. I'm really sorry,

560. you guys.

561. For what?

562. You were perfect.

563. You did exactly

564. what I thought you'd do.

565. What are you

566. talking about?

567. They have a fake letter.

568. I knew Francis

569. wouldn't leave us alone

570. without getting something

571. and I knew you'd give it away.

572. I knew exactly

573. what everyone would do.

574. So where's the

575. real letter?

576. I had to think

577. of the one place

578. they'd never think

579. of looking.

580. I had to give it

581. to the one person

582. they'd never think

583. I'd give it to.

584. I did the most

585. brilliant thing of all:

586. I gave it to Dewey.

587. And I hid it

588. under Mom's pillow.

589. You what?

590. I'm gonna kill him.

591. I'm gonna kill him.

592. I am going

593. to kill him!

594. This is all a dream.

595. Oh, shut up, Reese!

596. Mom, stop it.

597. You're sick.

598. I'm too mad to be sick.

599. No, he has finally

600. done it this time.

601. Where is that brochure

602. for the work farm

603. in Arizona?

604. He thinks military school

605. is tough?

606. Just wait.

607. Wait.

608. Wait...

609. wait...

610. wait!

611. Hey, Malcolm?

612. Hi, Francis.

613. Look, I'm sorry about all this.

614. I shouldn't have

615. sent those guys over.

616. It was stupid.

617. You know, Francis,

618. we never actually intended

619. to show the letter to Mom.

620. We just wanted to scare you.

621. Yeah, I know.

622. You guys would never

623. do that to me.

624. But if she did see the letter,

625. you'd know it was just

626. an accident, right?

627. Yeah, but Richie has the letter.

628. Please tell me

629. Richie has the letter.

630. Richie has coupons.

631. Mom has the letter.

632. But like I said, it was just

633. an accident. I swear.

634. So the thing you've been

635. threatening to do all day

636. but had no intention of doing,

637. you did but didn't mean to?

638. Yeah.

639. You can yell

640. at us now.

641. No, I guess I deserve it.

642. I shouldn't have ratted

643. on you guys.

644. Mom was just really

645. pressuring me about coming home

646. and, well, I folded.

647. Coming home?

648. Yeah, she said if I wanted

649. to come home for the summer,

650. I had to tell her

651. about the bike.

652. But that's just a lame excuse.

653. I'm sorry.

654. Actually,

655. that was a pretty good excuse.

656. Wow, you have made

657. a great deal here, Hal.

658. Now, you just, uh,

659. sign right there

660. and she's all yours.

661. Yeah, you know, I-I've

662. been thinking...

663. I think maybe I got

664. a little overexcited.

665. Aw, that's just the jitters.

666. They'll be long gone

667. when you're roaring home

668. in your brand-new

669. Porsche.

670. Just sign.

671. No, I think

672. maybe we should

673. do this another time

674. because I-I'm not

675. feeling very well

676. and my wife has the flu...

677. I'll tell you what—

678. let's throw in

679. the new chrome turbo wheels

680. and free car washes

681. for a year— just sign.

682. I can't.

683. But, Hal...

684. you put your initials

685. by this number.

686. Sorry.

687. Maybe some other time.

688. Hal, will you do me

689. one favor?

690. One favor, now,

691. I want you just to...

692. stick your head in the car

693. one last time, okay?

694. I want you to smell

695. the leather,

696. take another look

697. at that console,

698. and tell me you don't

699. want this car.

700. Go ahead, do it.

701. Come on.

702. So what do you say?

703. I told you I was sick!

704. Oh, my God!

705. You guys,

706. we can save Francis.

707. What?

708. Think about it—

709. every time

710. Mom gets mad,

711. she forgets about

712. everything else in the world

713. except for the things

714. she's mad at.

715. That focus is the key

716. to her power.

717. So?

718. So Mom won't care so much

719. about sending Francis

720. to a work farm

721. if she's busy being mad

722. at someone else, like at us.

723. We can do that.

724. Yeah.

725. You don't

726. understand.

727. We're going to have to get

728. in real trouble,

729. more trouble than we've ever

730. been in, in our entire lives.

731. And we can't make it look

732. like we're doing it on purpose.

733. I just want you guys to

734. know what you're in for.

735. We owe it to him.

736. Okay, we got

737. Dad's skating trophy,

738. Mom and Dad's

739. wedding portrait,

740. Mom's favorite lamp.

741. No, Dewey, it's stuff

742. they like, not you.

743. Oh.

744. Good!

745. Paint?

746. Yeah.

747. That way, we not only

748. destroy the stuff;

749. we take out

750. the driveway,

751. splash on the house

752. and, with any luck,

753. get some

754. collateral damage

755. to the neighbors.

756. What a waste!

757. For any other reason

758. this would've been

759. the funnest thing ever.

760. Okay, guys...

761. have the last candy bars

762. of your childhood.

763. (cheerfully goofy):

764. Hey! Time to wake up!

765. Hey!

766. Time to wake up!

767. Hey! Time to wake up!

768. Hey! Time to wake up!

769. Hey!

770. Time to wake up!

771. Hey! Time to wake up!

772. Hey! Time to wake up!

773. Hey! Time to wake up!

774. Hey...

775. Okay, here she comes.

776. Now, remember,

777. this is supposed to be fun.

778. Well, I guess

779. it's mission accomplished.

780. I don't think Mom even remembers

781. she has a son named Francis.

782. Boys!

783. Just come down.

784. We're not coming down until you

785. tell us what you're going to do.

786. Not going to tell you what I'm

787. going to do until you come down.

788. Why don't you

789. just tell us?

790. Why don't you just come down?

791. Tell us.

792. Come down.

793. Just tell us!

794. Come down.

795. But if you tell us,

796. we'll come down.