Malcolm in the Middle 1x14

Directed by Chris Koch

Marco Gould as Infirmed Cadet • Arjay Smith as Finley • Daniel von Bargen as Commandant Edwin Spangler • Kyle Sullivan as Dabney Hooper • Evan Matthew Cohen as Lloyd

Malcolm and his Krelboyne classmates enlist the help of Hal for a school project, which involves a robot, and an enormous swarm of bees. Lois visits Francis at his school after he becomes injured and soon clashes with Spangler.

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1. I got one!

2. Yes, yes. Cool.

3. Get him!

4. Ugh.

5. I got one!

6. Okay, give me the tape.

7. What if we get caught?

8. Don't worry about it.

9. No one's home.

10. I cued it up

11. to the best part.

12. It's BattleBots,

13. and it's a free for all

14. at the battle area.

15. All of these heavyweight..

16. I thought this was porno.

17. Ew. No, this

18. is better.

19. And no one's...

20. excluded.

21. Come on, this is

22. the lamest thing I've...

23. Oh, my God, is that real?

24. It's an open

25. competition.

26. People build killer robots,

27. put them in a ring,

28. and see which one

29. comes out alive.

30. Killer robots?

31. I can't believe it.

32. Finally something cool

33. about being smart.

34. I wish we could do that.

35. We were hoping you'd say that.

36. Here's the deal:

37. we want to enter

38. the competition.

39. We've got the designs,

40. we've got the desire,

41. and we're not distracted

42. by any kind of social life.

43. The only problem is that our

44. parents would never allow us

45. to build something

46. that dangerous.

47. That means we need a place

48. with a total lack

49. of caring adult supervision.

50. That's my house!

51. But those things look

52. really expensive.

53. No problem.

54. My father tries

55. to buy my love.

56. Who's your... daddy?

57. Push.

58. What are

59. the odds, huh?

60. Of Francis having

61. an emergency appendectomy

62. two months after using

63. the same excuse to ditch school?

64. Well, he was never very lucky.

65. Oh, I need you

66. to call work

67. and tell them I

68. won't be coming in.

69. Will do.

70. Well, there's my cab.

71. What's that all about?

72. A little something

73. to remember me by.

74. You know, it just

75. occurred to me

76. that we have not been apart

77. for one night in 18 years.

78. You gonna be

79. okay with that?

80. (imitating baby):

81. I think I can manage

82. without my mommy

83. for a few days.

84. I told you that baby

85. voice creeps me out.

86. Sorry.

87. Ten-hut!

88. Well, Cadet,

89. I see you survived.

90. Yes, sir.

91. I brought you

92. a little something

93. to take your mind

94. off the pain.

95. This is a good

96. opportunity for you

97. to catch up

98. on your homework.

99. Take it from me—

100. a lengthy hospital stay

101. is the perfect environment

102. to focus your mind and attack

103. weaknesses in your character.

104. If it hadn't been

105. for this,

106. I never would've learned

107. conversational French.

108. Carry on.

109. Sorry, man.

110. I was this close

111. to going medieval on him.

112. You feeling okay?

113. I feel like I have a belly

114. full of broken glass.

115. Every time I breathe in, I

116. almost pass out from the pain.

117. This is the single

118. greatest thing

119. that has ever

120. happened to me.

121. What?

122. Well, for as long

123. as I can remember,

124. my mom has been

125. torturing me with guilt.

126. I've never been able to fight

127. back, but this is perfect.

128. Her first-born child almost dies

129. a thousand miles from home,

130. and she's the one

131. who sent me here.

132. She can't dismiss it,

133. she can't argue about it,

134. she can't twist it around

135. and make it my fault.

136. It's beautiful.

137. Dude, you almost died.

138. I want you to say that

139. again when she gets here.

140. Oh, this poor woman has no

141. idea what she's walking into.

142. Okay, Mom's only gonna be gone

143. for about four or five days,

144. so we have to prioritize.

145. What are you asking Dad for?

146. I want to wear

147. my pajamas to school.

148. I'm getting a scope

149. for my BB gun.

150. You don't have a BB gun.

151. Not yet.

152. Okay, but since I'm asking

153. to build a killer robot,

154. I should go first.

155. Why?

156. Because anything

157. after "killer robot"

158. is gonna sound reasonable.

159. Dad?

160. Yeah.

161. A couple friends and

162. I want to explore

163. our engineering and

164. machining skills.

165. Sounds great.

166. So, um, you think

167. it'd be all right

168. if a bunch of Krelboynes and I

169. build a robot in the house?

170. Yeah, fine.

171. Whoa, that was

172. easy, even for him.

173. For crying out loud.

174. Be strong.

175. Lois will get through

176. her operation.

177. She is a fighter.

178. No, no, Craig,

179. it was Francis.

180. Oh, my God.

181. Did he shoot her?

182. I knew it.

183. I t-told her

184. to stay away from him.

185. That boy has been

186. nothing but trouble.

187. Uh, Craig, uh, Lois did

188. not have an operation.

189. Our son Francis did.

190. Sh-She just went down to Alabama

191. to look after him for a while.

192. Oh.

193. Well, tell Lois

194. I stopped by.

195. I can't believe my mom missed

196. them putting my catheter in.

197. Maybe I should take it out

198. so they can reinsert it

199. when she gets here.

200. Or maybe you could,

201. I don't know, shut up about

202. your mom for half a second.

203. No one's that bad.

204. Hey, I been sugar-coating it

205. for you 'cause you're enfeebled.

206. Francis!

207. But you can just see

208. for yourself.

209. Hi, honey.

210. You look terrible.

211. (weakly): You think that's

212. gonna appease your guilt?

213. What guilt?

214. Boy, it's stuffy in here.

215. That can't be good for you.

216. You look pasty.

217. Have you had a

218. bowel movement?

219. When is the last time

220. you moved your bowels?

221. Mom...

222. Hello.

223. Who are you?

224. Edwin Spangler— I am commandant

225. of Marlin Academy.

226. Good for you.

227. Where's your eye?

228. Pardon?

229. Do your ears work?

230. Do you have some business

231. with my son?

232. He needs to rest.

233. Well, I stopped by to pick up

234. your boy's homework.

235. Homework? You're not

236. giving him homework.

237. My son nearly

238. lost his life—

239. something that never

240. would've happened

241. if you'd taken proper care

242. of him in the first place.

243. Well, I assure you, ma'am,

244. had it not been for Francis's

245. long history of crying wolf...

246. Crying wolf?

247. You listen to me, you idiot!

248. My child is sick.

249. He does not need you

250. marching in here, puffing up

251. your little chest

252. and making his life

253. more miserable

254. than it already is.

255. Why don't you just go play

256. army man somewhere else?

257. God, she is magnificent.

258. Dude, your mom rocks.

259. Hmm.

260. You got a girl, Rizzo?

261. Yeah, Sarge.

262. I miss her something awful.

263. Soon as I get home,

264. I'm going to marry her.

265. Rizzo!

266. We need...

267. more torque!

268. No, we need a balance

269. between speed and torque.

270. This is great.

271. I can make a huge mess,

272. build a killer robot,

273. and Mom's not here

274. to yell at us.

275. I don't even mind

276. having Krelboynes in the house.

277. Do we all want

278. a direct, continuous

279. linear relation

280. between the rotary actuator

281. and the robot's

282. translational displacement,

283. or am I just some kind

284. of crazy dreamer?

285. Well, what about my design for

286. the polycarbonate body?

287. It's a...

288. butterfly.

289. Correction—

290. killer butterfly.

291. Beautiful yet deadly.

292. The perfect killing machine.

293. It's too unreliable.

294. It's got to be more simple,

295. like a sledgehammer or...

296. A superheated spike shot

297. out by power charges.

298. Yeah, but that's not

299. going to be easy...

300. What's this stuff?

301. We were just... sort of...

302. fooling around with some ideas.

303. Let's have a look.

304. Well... I'd go

305. with the flame thrower.

306. That would destroy everything

307. within a ten-foot perimeter.

308. Of course, a lot to be said

309. for that high-voltage probe.

310. Sir, before you continue,

311. I feel I have to mention

312. that our parents

313. strongly disapprove of this.

314. Sorry. My therapist

315. says it's a compulsion.

316. Well, I guess you shouldn't

317. tell your parents, then.

318. Wow.

319. Your father's lack

320. of responsibility

321. is both terrifying and...

322. oddly thrilling.

323. I can't apologize enough for

324. these barbaric accommodations.

325. You deserve so much more.

326. Oh, no, this is fine.

327. Why are all the hotel rooms

328. booked?

329. The all-Alabama gay rodeo

330. is in town again.

331. Homosexuals riding horses

332. and such.

333. It does wonders

334. for the local economy,

335. but you have to fight

336. the crowds for everything.

337. If you're interested,

338. I have some passes.

339. No, thanks.

340. Another time, then.

341. Bonsoir.

342. You know, this

343. room isn't so bad.

344. The way you whined about it,

345. I thought it was going to be

346. a couple of cots

347. and a drain in the floor.

348. What are you doing?

349. You're stinky.

350. I'm going to give you

351. a sponge bath.

352. You're not

353. giving me a sponge bath.

354. Arms up.

355. Just because you had surgery

356. is no reason to be a pig.

357. Mom, did you know

358. that I almost died?

359. Oh, you did not

360. almost die.

361. My appendix burst!

362. They had to vacuum out

363. the contents of my intestines.

364. You could not possibly

365. comprehend

366. the pain that I was in—

367. that I am in.

368. Yeah. I don't know

369. anything about pain,

370. what, with four boys

371. totaling 112 hours of labor—

372. you being half of

373. that, I might add.

374. I'm sorry that I came out

375. feet first, Mom.

376. That's okay, honey.

377. I forgave you years ago.

378. Oh, God, that tattoo.

379. I like the tattoo, Mom.

380. What is it with the men in

381. this family and tattoos?

382. Took me five years

383. to get your father

384. to burn his off.

385. What, are you growing

386. potatoes in there?

387. Dad had a tattoo?

388. Yeah, he put a

389. great big "Lois"

390. right across

391. his rear end.

392. Actually thought I'd

393. be flattered by it.

394. That guy was such a

395. mess when I met him.

396. Between the motorcycle

397. and the drinking

398. and the fighting—

399. he was so reckless,

400. it was crazy.

401. Where do you think

402. you boys get it from?

403. Just doesn't sound like Dad.

404. Yeah, well, that was

405. a long time ago.

406. Your father has been

407. quite a project.

408. I spent years hounding him

409. and scolding him

410. and constantly watching him,

411. but finally

412. I got all that rebellion

413. right out of him.

414. I can't believe

415. Dad had a wild side.

416. Well, someday, you're going

417. to meet a nice girl.

418. She's going to do

419. the same thing for you.

420. Do your lowers.

421. Dad?

422. Oh, hey, son.

423. What are you doing?

424. I just thought

425. I'd help you kids out

426. with your robot.

427. You know, it's amazing how

428. much you can get accomplished

429. when you don't sleep at all.

430. I think we got a little

431. something up our sleeve

432. for the competition.

433. Dad...

434. I know, it's still

435. a little slow.

436. But wait till I put

437. on the big blade.

438. I eat your heart

439. and thus avenge my father.

440. (punches and kicks landing,

441. men grunting)

442. Well, we just finished

443. the 45th and final video

444. of the Shaolin Dragon series.

445. We are now officially

446. desensitized to violence.

447. How many sodas

448. have you had?

449. I don't know. I don't

450. know. I don't know.

451. Look, I can write

452. on my tongue.

453. Well, we can start in on

454. Monks of Death

455. or lighten things up with

456. a little Samurai Bloodfest.

457. We've had a vote.

458. We're backing out

459. of the contest.

460. What?

461. Your father

462. has commandeered this project

463. and twisted it toward

464. his own mad ends.

465. We want our

466. blueprints back.

467. We can... do this...

468. the easy... way...

469. or... we can...

470. do this... the hard...

471. Come on, my dad's

472. in the backyard.

473. way.

474. Dad?

475. Hey, boys.

476. Guys want the...

477. Are you smoking?

478. Oh, this? No, I'm just...

479. just playing around.

480. Listen, don't tell your mom,

481. okay?

482. She'd kill me if she found out.

483. She worked so hard

484. to get me to stop.

485. Oh, God, how I

486. miss that woman.

487. Um, the guys want

488. their blueprints back.

489. Oh, yeah,

490. they're over there.

491. I have gone

492. way past that.

493. Hey, picture this.

494. A laser-guided bee cannon.

495. Bees shot out

496. with the precision of a laser.

497. How would that hurt a robot?

498. Oh, come on, think.

499. It's not for the robot,

500. it's for the guy

501. controlling the robot.

502. Buzz, zap!

503. You're going home

504. with the plaque or ribbon

505. or whatever crappy award

506. they give you for winning.

507. This...

508. will end... badly.

509. There we go.

510. I hear you, old fella!

511. You're not alone.

512. Come on, come on,

513. do it for mama!

514. Come on, come on, go!

515. Aw, come on. You're just

516. letting me win, aren't you?

517. I'm really not.

518. I know. I'm just rubbing it in.

519. Rubbing it in!

520. Your mom is great.

521. This isn't my mom.

522. It's an act.

523. It's some kind of freaky mind

524. game she's playing with me.

525. Any second now,

526. her face is going to split open

527. and she's going

528. to reveal herself

529. for the evil banshee

530. she really is.

531. Man, I don't know why

532. she puts up with you.

533. Anyone for doubles?

534. Nope.

535. All right, then.

536. Oh, hi, honey.

537. Where you been?

538. I want you to leave.

539. What?

540. I want you to leave.

541. You made your phony point.

542. You made me look like an idiot.

543. Mission accomplished.

544. Okay.

545. You know what? I have

546. had it with you, mister.

547. You have done nothing but bitch

548. and moan since I got here,

549. and I've been nothing

550. but pleasant.

551. Exactly!

552. Oh, what, you complain

553. when I'm pleasant,

554. you complain when

555. I'm not pleasant?

556. There's no winning with you.

557. Why don't you just tell me

558. exactly how you

559. want me to behave

560. every second of the day, and

561. we'll see if that satisfies you.

562. This isn't fair!

563. You're taking my pain

564. and you're twisting it

565. into your guilt trip!

566. Fine. Why don't I

567. just leave, then?

568. Fine.

569. Fine.

570. Mom being gone was fun at first,

571. but this is getting

572. out of control.

573. Please be Mom.

574. Please be Mom. Please be Mom.

575. Hello?

576. Hello!

577. Oh. Hi, Mr. Jackson.

578. Well, yes,

579. I do have a very good reason

580. for not going in to work today.

581. Well, how about this?

582. I didn't come to work because

583. somehow I felt that eight hours

584. of joyless, mind-numbing crap

585. just didn't seem like fun.

586. Well, I guess we're just going

587. to have to agree to disagree.

588. Yeah!

589. I thought your flight

590. wasn't till 11:00.

591. It isn't.

592. So we have some

593. extra time.

594. You want to...

595. do something?

596. We're in the middle

597. of Alabama.

598. What is there to do?

599. Gay rodeo's in town.

600. That could be

601. interesting.

602. Well, if that's

603. what you want to do.

604. Look, it isn't really

605. what I want to do.

606. I'm trying to

607. be pleasant...

608. We'll go.

609. Please be Mom.

610. Craig.

611. Just brought by

612. your mom's paycheck.

613. Tell her I'm the one

614. that brought it by.

615. Wait. We need your help.

616. My dad's going crazy.

617. He hasn't slept in four days.

618. He's smoking, he's dancing

619. around in his underwear.

620. He's ripping phones

621. out of the walls.

622. You've got to stop him.

623. Don't worry, son.

624. I'll handle this.

625. What are you doing?

626. You don't expect me to tackle

627. something like this

628. on an empty stomach.

629. Hey, buddy.

630. Well, well.

631. What do we have here?

632. The boy here says you

633. could use some company.

634. No, I got my sons.

635. We're bonding.

636. What the hell

637. is that thing?

638. That thing is

639. a little project

640. we have been working on

641. around here.

642. A secret, deadly project.

643. Hal...

644. why don't you turn off

645. the machine and sit down?

646. Why don't you stop telling me

647. what to do?

648. Why don't you sit down

649. like I asked you to?

650. Look, Fats...

651. I don't want you

652. around my house anymore.

653. Hey, you don't go

654. to the fat thing,

655. I won't go to the crazy thing.

656. Dad, cut it out!

657. Come on, it's not

658. funny anymore!

659. Leave him alone!

660. Say "uncle"!

661. No!

662. Just say it.

663. We can stop this right now

664. with a little dignity

665. if you just say it!

666. I won't say it!

667. One simple word.

668. Duncle.

669. Uh-uh, you said "duncle."

670. Now you have to say "uncle"

671. in my butt.

672. No! Let me up!

673. Dad, you have to stop it!

674. Dad, no!

675. You're right.

676. I've got better

677. things to do.

678. Dad, what are you doing?

679. I think me

680. and Lois Number Two here

681. are going to go down to work

682. and pay a little visit

683. to Mr. Jackson's Lexus.

684. Hey!

685. Dad, don't move.

686. W-What are you doing?

687. I'm stopping you

688. from quitting your job

689. by threatening you

690. with a killer robot.

691. I wish this felt half

692. as cool as it sounds.

693. Just turn it off, Malcolm.

694. Stop being crazy.

695. Just put the remote down.

696. You-you have no idea

697. what this machine is capable of.

698. Why don't you just sit down?

699. And why don't you just

700. put the remote down?

701. Dad, please.

702. Malcolm...

703. Why don't you both

704. just shut up?

705. Run. No kidding. Run.

706. Oh, no.

707. (muffled):

708. Call... animal... control.

709. You ripped the phone

710. out of the wall.

711. Go... to... the neighbor.

712. They won't let us over anymore.

713. Do... something.

714. Why don't we just

715. all sit down

716. and no one will do anything

717. until Mom gets home?

718. Okay.

719. I got to say,

720. as far as gay rodeos go,

721. this one's pretty entertaining.

722. Are you sure you're

723. not embarrassed

724. to be seen with

725. your mother?

726. Nah.