Malcolm in the Middle 1x12

Directed by Todd Holland

Lisa Lewolt as Wendy • Nick Toth as Newsman • Gregory Deckman as Deckman • Daniel von Bargen as Commandant Edwin Spangler • Kyle Sullivan as Dabney Hooper

A spiffy cheerleader attracts slovenly Reese, who cleans up his act—best as he can—to woo her. He even joins her rah-rah squad. Dewey tries to convince Lois and Hal to buy him a new toy. Francis has a heart-to-heart conversation with headmaster Spangler.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. All right, class.

2. Recess is over.

3. I know.

4. Malcolm, I think

5. you should say something

6. to your classmates.

7. They stayed inside

8. while you were out

9. playing ball with your friends.

10. Thanks.

11. I don't know why Mom makes me

12. get up at 8:00.

13. School doesn't even start

14. till 8:15.

15. What are you doing?

16. Nothing.

17. You look different.

18. I took a shower.

19. I knew it!

20. on the state-

21. legislature-sponsored initiative

22. limiting the cabinet's attitude

23. of overanalyzing past

24. and current positions,

25. aimed toward curbing this type

26. of governmental interference.

27. In international news,

28. boring, boring, boring.

29. I'm incredibly boring.

30. Do you know who's boring? Me.

31. Boring, goring, zoring,

32. loring, doring, noring, foring.

33. Why haven't you changed

34. the channel yet?

35. What? I took a shower.

36. Is that a crime?

37. Reese, is this going

38. to be a daily thing?

39. Because we got a schedule...

40. Honey, let me

41. handle this.

42. Son, are you on drugs?

43. No, it's just...

44. Why doesn't everyone

45. just leave me alone?

46. Wow. Usually we don't get

47. someone storming off

48. from the table

49. until after pancakes.

50. Hey, kids, it's a new,

51. improved sleepy-time Herbie,

52. now with super-sleepy

53. fuzzy fur.

54. I'm sleepy.

55. Herbie's not available

56. in stores.

57. Order yours now

58. through this special TV offer.

59. (yawns) Hi, Dewey.

60. I can make you happy.

61. I can make your brothers

62. be nice to you.

63. I can get you out of school.

64. Your parents want

65. to buy me for you.

66. All you got to do is ask them.

67. They're right there

68. in the kitchen.

69. Why don't you go ask them?

70. Go on. Yeah.

71. Go ask them.

72. Can you buy me

73. a Herbie?

74. No, they're too expensive.

75. Maybe. Ask me again

76. in four seconds.

77. Can you buy me a Herbie, please?

78. Didn't you just hear me?

79. I said no.

80. Ask louder.

81. Son, what were you thinking?

82. Stealing 200 frogs

83. from the biology lab

84. and setting them loose

85. on the highway!

86. I was freeing the

87. alleged frog, sir.

88. Killing live animals in the

89. name of science is inhumane.

90. No! Inhumane is

91. sitting in a car

92. for two and a half hours

93. when I live only eight blocks

94. from campus.

95. Sir, I didn't mean to...

96. I am very tired

97. of all the things

98. that you didn't mean to do.

99. You didn't mean to come in

100. four hours after curfew.

101. You didn't mean to replace

102. the morning reveille record

103. with a selection from

104. trip-hop wizard Tricky.

105. Maybe I should

106. just rename this

107. "Francis's

108. 'I didn't mean to' file."

109. That would be

110. a bold choice, sir.

111. Glibness.

112. What a surprise.

113. I'm giving you exactly

114. ten seconds to tell me

115. why I shouldn't put you

116. on latrine detail

117. for the rest of this semester.

118. Okay. Um, why shouldn't

119. I have to clean toilets

120. for the next three months?

121. It's an intriguing question.

122. Is that a new tie, sir?

123. Four seconds.

124. What a beautiful beach.

125. Did you take this, sir?

126. 'Cause...

127. you've certainly captured

128. your young male friend's Speedo.

129. That is a picture of me.

130. Now, if I were you,

131. I wouldn't try

132. to distract me and...

133. Sir?

134. Sir?

135. Hmm?

136. That'll be all, Cadet.

137. Were you crying?

138. No, I was reading.

139. You don't read.

140. Just shut the door, Krelboyne.

141. I'm still in here, perv!

142. Ha! You're crying.

143. Oh, man. You're crying.

144. You don't want

145. to talk about it, do you?

146. It's about a girl.

147. I should've just walked away.

148. Wendy Finnerman— she hates me.

149. I don't know what to do.

150. I've tried everything

151. to make her like me.

152. I'm toilet-papering

153. her house tonight.

154. If that doesn't work,

155. I'm out of ideas.

156. Look, Reese,

157. maybe I can help you.

158. What am I

159. supposed to do?

160. I don't know.

161. Just try anything

162. that doesn't make her cry.

163. I guess you could start off

164. by finding out stuff about her.

165. You know, do the things

166. she likes to do.

167. Is that before or after

168. I go T.P. her house?

169. Instead.

170. All right.

171. I'll try it your way.

172. Thanks.

173. No problem.

174. I know I'm going

175. to pay for this, but...

176. (singsongy):

177. Reese loves Wendy.

178. Reese loves Wendy.

179. Come here! Stay here!

180. Ha-ha!

181. (chanting):

182. Go Wildcats, go!

183. Go Wildcats, go, go!

184. Go Wildcats,

185. go, go!

186. Go Wildcats, go, go!

187. That's it.

188. Reese!

189. Reese, why are you

190. dressed like that?

191. I figured out

192. what she likes.

193. I saw her cheering

194. for the football team,

195. so I joined the

196. cheerleading squad.

197. Why didn't you join

198. the football team, doofus?

199. She's a cheerleader.

200. Reese, you're a guy.

201. Guy cheerleaders

202. are the lowest of the low,

203. worse than band,

204. worse than Krelboynes.

205. The only thing lower is that guy

206. that never takes

207. his hand out of his butt.

208. Oh, Chester?

209. He's a cheerleader, too.

210. Does a lot of solo work.

211. I tried to help him.

212. I gave him advice.

213. I tried reasoning with him.

214. There's only one

215. thing left to do:

216. sit back and

217. laugh my ass off.

218. Good luck.

219. Come in, Cadet.

220. Look, sir...

221. I have the floor.

222. In the short time that

223. you have been under my care,

224. we have had

225. our share of conflicts.

226. In all my efforts

227. to get through to you,

228. I have tried

229. every method I know how.

230. And besides

231. mental and physical abuse, sir,

232. exactly which methods

233. would those be?

234. This photo made me

235. realize something.

236. I used to be like you.

237. Insolent, arrogant, cavalier.

238. Sir, I...

239. Floor!

240. Now, son, you are

241. on the precipice.

242. Now, I am going

243. to tell you a story

244. about my life, in the hopes

245. of finally getting you

246. to straighten yourself out.

247. Now, in the coming hours,

248. you are going to hear things

249. that are going to horrify you.

250. It sounds illuminating, sir,

251. but I have biology.

252. I've taken the liberty

253. of canceling

254. your next three classes.

255. Son, do you know

256. what a wet nurse is?

257. Dewey, have you forgotten me?

258. I thought we were friends.

259. All of the boys and girls

260. on your street are my friends.

261. They all bought me.

262. Your parents have lots of money.

263. They're just hiding it.

264. But I don't want you

265. to buy me for me.

266. It's for your own good.

267. I didn't want to tell you this,

268. but if you don't buy me,

269. you'll die.

270. Honestly, Hal, I don't know

271. what's wrong with Reese.

272. Oh, he's just

273. a little slow.

274. No. I mean the way

275. he's been acting.

276. Hey, Mom, where's the iron?

277. Ah.

278. It's a girl.

279. It's a girl.

280. Hal, it's time

281. for the talk.

282. I don't know

283. what you mean.

284. The talk, Hal.

285. Oh, geez, he's a little young,

286. don't you think?

287. You waited so long with Francis;

288. look what happened there.

289. All right,

290. but if I'm giving the talk,

291. all three boys are getting it

292. at the same time.

293. And I'm not doing it again.

294. So if we have any more kids,

295. they're on their own.

296. Mom, Dad,

297. I'd really like a Herbie doll.

298. I know it's expensive,

299. but I don't ask for a lot.

300. And I've been

301. very good lately.

302. I want it! I want it!

303. I want it! I want it!

304. I want it! I want it! I want it!

305. Looks like he

306. found the sugar.

307. Oh, doesn't he look

308. just like a little dust mop?

309. (chanting):

310. Ready? Hit it.

311. B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!

312. B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!

313. What's that spell?

314. Be aggressive!

315. B-E aggressive!

316. V-I-C-T-O-R-Y.

317. That's the Wildcats' battle cry!

318. What a... geek.

319. I never thought...

320. I'd get... to say that.

321. Oh, my God.

322. I'm a Krelboyne with a

323. brother who's a cheerleader.

324. I could wet my

325. pants in public,

326. and it would be

327. a lateral move.

328. O-R-Y.

329. That's the Wildcats' battle cry!

330. Success!

331. Victory, success!

332. Victory, yes!

333. Ow! Ow!

334. So clumsy.

335. Hey, Malcolm,

336. you think your brother

337. will lend me his corset?

338. When a Krelboyne

339. makes fun of you,

340. you know you're

341. in trouble.

342. See, that comment was

343. playing off the concept

344. that we all have

345. specific notions

346. of gender-appropriate roles.

347. At least they're

348. no good at it.

349. So there we were—

350. the ocean,

351. my stepfather and me.

352. As the storm raged overhead,

353. he made one final lunge

354. for the rudder.

355. I ripped it from his hands

356. and stared him down.

357. He knew that I was prepared

358. to kill him.

359. I left port

360. that day a 16-year-old boy.

361. I returned a man.

362. That was an amazing

363. story, sir.

364. I mean, I was

365. skeptical at first,

366. but we do have

367. something in common.

368. I mean, look at the way

369. both our mothers abandoned us.

370. What are you talking about?

371. You know, how I was

372. shipped off here

373. and you were left with your

374. wet nurse for all those years.

375. That story had nothing

376. to do with my mother.

377. It had to do with me

378. finally taking responsibility

379. for my own actions.

380. Just sounded like she may

381. have been a little bit distant.

382. Well, that is none

383. of your business.

384. I swear, you are absolutely

385. fixated on mothers.

386. I am not fixated.

387. Can you name one thing

388. in your life

389. that you don't blame

390. on your mother?

391. Sure.

392. (grunts) I'm sorry.

393. I was just giving an opinion!

394. Well, it's that pop

395. psychology nonsense that's...

396. It is nothing to get

397. defensive about.

398. I am not defensive.

399. Every time anybody

400. denies a lie,

401. they're called defensive.

402. Fine. I take it back.

403. Your mother was a saint.

404. I am not saying

405. that at all.

406. Does this look anything

407. like a "Q"?

408. Reese, just stop this.

409. You're acting like a moron.

410. And you're making no

411. progress with Wendy.

412. And what the hell do you

413. need a "Q" for anyway?

414. You're right. I'm terrible.

415. I'm just not coordinated

416. unless I'm hitting somebody.

417. But I really like her.

418. I have to get good.

419. Listen to the words.

420. Good. Boy. Cheerleader.

421. Quit while you still

422. have some dignity.

423. Oh, and let her think

424. I'm a quitter?

425. You can't even remember

426. a simple six-step routine.

427. There's six steps?

428. Yes. It's just right, left,

429. right, left, reverse, pose.

430. You remember that

431. from just watching?

432. You guys did it,

433. like, ten times.

434. So...

435. you know my routine?

436. It's not that hard.

437. But... you know

438. my routine.

439. Yes, I do.

440. Look, I know where

441. this is going, and...

442. No, you don't.

443. You're going to help me.

444. That is where

445. I was going.

446. Oh. Good.

447. Let's get started.

448. No!

449. Oh, come on, you have to.

450. No. Don't you know

451. how embarrassing

452. that could be for me?

453. I know what's

454. more embarrassing.

455. What?

456. Getting beaten into a coma

457. by a good boy cheerleader.

458. My mother was neither

459. a Madonna or a whore!

460. She was a damn fine woman!

461. Stick your arms out!

462. We have to sell this!

463. Can you move your hand

464. a little to the left?

465. Spread your legs!

466. No!

467. I said spread your legs!

468. No!

469. It's time for the talk, Hal.

470. Come on, spread your legs!

471. I'm not spreading my legs!

472. (chanting): Fight, fight, fight!

473. Fight harder!

474. Wildcats, help us out, fight!

475. Fight, fight, fight!

476. Fight harder!

477. Wildcats, help us out, fight!

478. We got spirit!

479. Wildcats, we got spirit!

480. Wildcats, we got what?

481. What, what, what?

482. What, what, what,

483. what, what, what, what?

484. We got spirit!

485. Wildcats, we got spirit!

486. Wildcats, we got what?

487. What, what, what?

488. What, what, what,

489. what, what, what, what?

490. We got spirit!

491. Yes. Yes.

492. Reese, that was incredible.

493. Who's been helping you

494. on your spirit kicks?

495. Come on, Reese,

496. I really have to go!

497. I'm the most worthless,

498. putrid loser in the world.

499. Everybody hates me.

500. I hate me.

501. Your brother in there?

502. Where else?

503. Reese? Come on out.

504. We need to have a talk.

505. Finally.

506. No, Malcolm, you're in

507. on this talk, too.

508. Me? Why do I

509. have to be here?

510. Relax— it's going to be

511. far worse for me

512. than it is for you.

513. Boys, this talk

514. is very important,

515. so I need

516. your undivided attention.

517. It's very important

518. that you be bored

519. and squirm a lot.

520. Now, I want to tell you

521. about what happens

522. when a boy really,

523. really likes a girl.

524. And, Dewey, I'll try to make

525. this easy for you to understand.

526. Ah.

527. Aw, man, I still

528. play with that.

529. Here we go.

530. You see, there's a certain thing

531. that happens

532. between normal, healthy people.

533. It's called chemistry.

534. Well, that doesn't happen.

535. Except maybe the first time.

536. What does happen

537. is this.

538. I like you.

539. (high-pitched voice):

540. I like you, too.

541. And if they love each other

542. and take the proper precautions,

543. they'll have sex.

544. But I've told you

545. about that already.

546. Not me.

547. Well, ask your brothers.

548. Now, unfortunately,

549. if the boy is from our family,

550. it goes a little more like this.

551. I like you.

552. I hate you!

553. Now I love you!

554. Leave me alone!

555. Your insane neediness

556. is driving me away!

557. Look at me! Look at me!

558. Look, oh, I'm crazy! Look-it!

559. Ooh! Ooh! Pay attention to me!

560. Look at me!

561. Look at me! I'm crazy!

562. I'm an idiot!

563. I'm an idiot!

564. Watch me crash and burn!

565. There's no explaining it.

566. It's hereditary.

567. And it goes back

568. for generations.

569. Francis has it,

570. so does Uncle Pete.

571. It's why your great

572. grandpa went to work

573. on that oil rig in Peru.

574. All I know is

575. your mother must carry

576. some sort of internal antidote,

577. because, through some fluke,

578. I was lucky enough to get her.

579. I just wanted you boys

580. to know what you were in for.

581. There was so much I

582. wanted to tell her...

583. but she was gone.

584. And I... I...

585. Come on, sir.

586. Just say it.

587. I hated her!

588. All these issues with my mother.

589. I know now that this

590. was not an accident.

591. You know, talking with you

592. has helped me

593. work out some things

594. with my own family.

595. I mean, all those years

596. I blamed my parents

597. for every senseless act

598. of self-destruction.

599. And all this time, I was

600. at least partially responsible

601. for a couple of them.

602. You know, it really

603. means a lot to me

604. to know that I can come to you

605. when I need to talk.

606. Familiarity

607. breeds contempt, Cadet.

608. What are you doing?

609. What's the point?

610. You heard Dad. I'm doomed!

611. You can't quit! I've worked

612. too hard for you to quit now!

613. I hate to inform you, brain boy,

614. it's not about you,

615. it's about me.

616. That's before I spent

617. an entire day

618. with your hand on my ass!

619. You owe me!

620. I can't help you.

621. Yes, you can!

622. You can break the cycle

623. Dad was talking about!

624. You have to talk to Wendy!

625. I can't! I freeze up!

626. Do you want to end up

627. like Francis? Or Uncle Pete?

628. I don't care anymore!

629. Anything's better than this!

630. Even marrying Mom?

631. Dewey, your mother and I

632. want to talk to you.

633. You're a good boy.

634. But in life,

635. being good doesn't always

636. get you the things you want.

637. I guess what I'm trying

638. to say is

639. that when your mother and I

640. don't buy you a toy,

641. it doesn't mean

642. that we don't love you.

643. Hmm?

644. You just have to learn

645. that disappointment

646. is all part of being a grown-up.

647. But, luckily,

648. you're not a grown-up yet!

649. Ta-da!

650. Wow!

651. Oh, come on,

652. how cute is that?

653. Break me.

654. Okay.

655. Okay, second row.

656. Okay, ready?

657. Here we go.

658. I... I...

659. Did you say something?

660. Wendy, I really like you.

661. Like when a boy likes a girl—

662. normal and healthy.

663. I'm sorry for hurting

664. you all those times.

665. I'm really

666. not a bad guy.

667. Anyways... thanks.

668. I like you, too.

669. Really?

670. Yeah.

671. I even kind of liked

672. your bad boy side, too.

673. Oh, my God!

674. Call...

675. nine...

676. one...

677. Hello, Mother?

678. It's Edwin.

679. Yes, it has been a long time.

680. So be sure to try

681. the new and improved

682. Chip-A-Roo cookie today.

683. I can make you taller,

684. I can make you better-looking.

685. If you eat enough of me,

686. I can make you president,

687. maybe even emperor of the world.

688. Honey, can you buy me

689. a box of these cookies?

690. Make it two.

691. Make it two boxes.