1. "I'll say yon grey
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2. is not the morning's eye.
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3. "'Tis but the pale reflex
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4. of Cynthia's brow.
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5. "Nor that is not the lark
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6. "whose notes do beat
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7. "the vaulty heavens
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8. so high above our head.
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9. "I have more care to stay
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10. than will to go.
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11. Come, death. And welcome."
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12. Yes! He nailed it!
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13. Malcolm...
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14. that was wonderful!
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15. So sensitive
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16. and full of passion.
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17. It was just beautiful.
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18. Before you say anything,
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19. just remember
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20. we're best friends.
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21. So that wheelchair
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22. isn't gonna stop me
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23. from kicking your ass.
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24. Bring it on, Homeo.
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25. What do you mean
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26. what happens when you die?
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27. You're dead.
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28. That's it.
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29. Oh, now,
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30. honey, that's not quite true.
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31. Actually, son, after death
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32. your body undergoes
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33. a fascinating series of changes.
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34. First, it bloats up
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35. like a balloon.
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36. Then shrivels like a raisin.
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37. Then tiny microbes
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38. you can't even see,
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39. but are on you right now,
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40. start to devour your flesh
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41. and return all the elements
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42. in your body back to the soil.
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43. Now, some people will tell you
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44. that your hair keeps growing,
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45. but that's... that's a myth.
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46. It's actually your head
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47. that shrinks.
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48. Now, go get ready
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49. for Aunt Helen's funeral.
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50. Julie, listen, I'm sorry
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51. I'm canceling out so late.
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52. That's okay.
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53. I mean, it's a funeral.
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54. So, were you close
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55. with your aunt?
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56. No, but I guess my mom was.
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57. She keeps saying
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58. how important this is.
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59. Anyway, I'm really sorry.
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60. Especially since you're stuck
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61. with the extra ticket.
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62. Well, that's okay.
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63. Maybe I'll ask Jimmy to go.
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64. Who's Jimmy?
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65. Jimmy Westcott.
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66. He plays football.
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67. Bye.
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68. Oh, yeah. Life's fair.
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69. Did you call that girl?
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70. Yes, I called her.
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71. I called her and told her
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72. I couldn't go to the concert.
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73. And now she's probably going
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74. to invite someone else.
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75. Well, Malcolm, I'm sorry
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76. that my mother's sister—
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77. the woman who took care of me
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78. every day after school—
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79. had to die and inconvenience
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80. your social life.
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81. She does it on purpose.
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82. I could have made up a million
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83. different escape plans,
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84. but now my brain
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85. is filled with mom guilt.
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86. Who's this?
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87. How should I know?
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88. Hal?
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89. Beats me.
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90. Dewey?
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91. Is this a friend of yours?
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92. Uh-huh.
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93. Who is he?
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94. I don't know.
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95. What's your name, son?
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96. Egg.
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97. Did he say Greg?
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98. I thought he said Craig.
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99. His name is Egg.
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100. "Egg"?
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101. I named him.
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102. Well, you can't keep him.
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103. He needs to go home, okay?
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104. Okay.
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105. This stinks.
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106. Whether it's a wedding,
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107. a funeral or court date,
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108. these family gatherings
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109. are always the same.
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110. Ooh! I just can't take
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111. my hands off that face!
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112. I can't wait till I get zits.
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113. At least then I can fight back.
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114. Hal, you have to get ready.
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115. Why are you still messing around
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116. with those record albums?
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117. Well, I thought I was gonna
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118. spend today in the garage
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119. listening to them
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120. on my quadraphonic.
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121. But now that we're going
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122. to the funeral,
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123. I have to reseal
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124. the shrink wrap.
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125. Hal!
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126. I'll hurry, okay?
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127. I have to get
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128. my speech ready anyway.
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129. Honey, you know
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130. you don't have to talk
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131. at every funeral we go to.
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132. Whew, I wish that were true.
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133. You see how people look to me
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134. when they ask if somebody has
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135. a few words to say?
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136. They're not looking to you,
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137. they're looking at you.
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138. To, at... what's
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139. the difference?
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140. Hello.
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141. Hey, Mom, I'm just warning you,
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142. someone claiming to be the
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143. commandant might call you soon.
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144. It's just this guy
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145. down the hall.
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146. Just play along and pretend
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147. you believe him.
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148. He's totally harmless.
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149. Francis, I really can't
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150. talk to you right now.
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151. We're on our way
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152. to Aunt Helen's funeral.
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153. Aunt Helen died?
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154. Well, I sure hope so.
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155. We're going to her funeral.
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156. Well, when did she die?
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157. Mom, why didn't
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158. anybody tell me?
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159. Uh, well, honey, we just,
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160. we didn't want to have
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161. to worry you over nothing.
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162. Nothing? She's dead!
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163. How's Uncle Fred taking it?
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164. Well, I don't think he's thought
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165. too much about it.
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166. He died about two months ago.
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167. What?
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168. Francis, I'm sorry.
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169. I really have to go. Here.
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170. Talk to your brother.
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171. Mom?
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172. Hello?
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173. All right, let's see it.
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174. I can't breathe.
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175. Fine.
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176. You know the drill.
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177. Upgrade.
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178. See?
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179. Problem solved.
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180. Hello?
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181. Oh.
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182. Okay, well, you can wear
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183. one of the suits that
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184. Uncle Fred left you.
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185. Aw, Mom, a dead suit?
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186. Cool. A dead suit.
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187. Dewey, why don't you help
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188. your little friend
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189. find his way out?
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190. I did.
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191. He keeps coming back.
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192. This thing's
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193. an open casket, right?
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194. I think so. Why?
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195. Because I'm going to stash
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196. this with Aunt Helen.
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197. What is that?
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198. It's a Mighty Man.
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199. Mom and Dad had it
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200. in the back of their closet
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201. for some reason.
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202. I'm Mighty Man.
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203. It's Dewey's
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204. birthday next week.
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205. This is his present.
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206. Oh.
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207. What'd you do to it?
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208. I stomped on it.
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209. Why would you do that?
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210. Look, I don't know why
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211. I do the things I do.
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212. I just know I don't
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213. want to get caught.
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214. That's why Aunt Helen
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215. is getting a new friend.
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216. You're gonna bury
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217. that with her?
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218. You are so dead.
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219. Hey, I watch lawyer shows.
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220. Mom will think I did it,
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221. but she can't prove it
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222. without this.
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223. It's in the Constitution—
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224. no evidence, no conviction.
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225. E pluribus unum.
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226. Oh, yeah.
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227. Hi, honey.
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228. Hey, you know,
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229. I finally found my joke cards.
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230. For some reason, they were
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231. behind the water heater.
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232. Really?
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233. Hey, how's this?
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234. "A priest, a rabbi
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235. and Uncle Fred are..."
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236. Oh, well, Aunt Helen.
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237. "... are playing golf
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238. with Saint Peter."
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239. Hal, please!
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240. Hey, have you seen
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241. my pun file?
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242. It's in a box marked
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243. "laughter thoughts."
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244. Laughter thoughts?
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245. How did she die?
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246. Cats ate her face.
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247. Dewey, I think you're confused.
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248. I'm asking about Aunt Helen.
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249. Cats ate her face.
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250. Look, would you just
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251. put Mom or Dad on the phone?
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252. Hello.
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253. Dad!
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254. What happened to Aunt Helen?
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255. Cats ate her face.
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256. Well, here, Dewey knows
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257. more about it than I do.
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258. Mom, I hate wearing
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259. Reese's hand-me-downs.
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260. Look at this.
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261. Jelly in the pockets,
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262. the fly's broken,
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263. and it smells like wet dog.
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264. Well, you should be glad
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265. he only wore it once.
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266. You know, I'm trying
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267. to be there for Mom.
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268. But the annoyances are starting
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269. to outweigh the guilt.
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270. I'm this close to sneaking
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271. out of the whole thing.
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272. Well, I suppose you're
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273. entitled to complain.
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274. After all, it's
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275. only my Aunt Helen.
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276. What is she— a mind reader?
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277. And then there were
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278. ants on her bones.
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279. And the police came.
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280. Dad, listen...
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281. Hey, can you think of anything
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282. that rhymes with cadaver?
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283. Dad?
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284. How long is this
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285. funeral gonna take?
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286. Including traveling time?
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287. All day.
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288. I know, I know.
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289. But remember,
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290. it'll make your mom happy.
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291. Mom really loved
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292. Aunt Helen, huh?
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293. Oh, God, no.
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294. Your mom hated her.
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295. What? She "hated her"?
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296. Mm-hmm.
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297. Everyone did.
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298. Horrible woman.
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299. I used to have to forbid her
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300. from calling here
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301. 'cause she always
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302. made your mom cry.
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303. I can't believe Mom
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304. tricked me like that.
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305. I'll tell you one thing—
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306. I now consider myself
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307. totally free
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308. to ditch this funeral.
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309. I got to call Julie.
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310. Hello?
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311. Malcolm!
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312. Oh, thank God!
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313. Somebody I can talk to.
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314. Sorry, I have to make a call.
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315. No...
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316. So, your aunt's... not dead?
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317. No. It turned out to be
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318. one of those comas
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319. where they think you're dead
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320. and they put you
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321. on the embalmer's table
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322. and you wake up
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323. at the last second.
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324. It was a close call.
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325. Uh, okay.
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326. I guess we'll pick you up
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327. at 2:00.
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328. Great.
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329. I figure I'll commit to it first
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330. and come up with a plan later.
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331. I always think better
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332. under pressure...
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333. or is it when
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334. I'm not under pressure?
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335. Oh, well. Too late now.
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336. I'm ready to go.
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337. Yeah. Hey!
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338. You're taking a backpack
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339. to the funeral?
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340. My back gets cold.
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341. Fair enough.
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342. Look, Francis,
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343. I guess I get scattered.
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344. You know, sometimes I forget
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345. what I told you, and you're
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346. not here, so I don't...
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347. I'm not there
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348. because you sent me away.
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349. I swear, I'm not even
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350. a part of this family anymore.
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351. Francis, it's very important
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352. that you understand
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353. that is not true.
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354. But I don't have time right now.
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355. I understand.
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356. It's not like it's a matter
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357. of life and death.
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358. Oh, wait, it is!
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359. Anyone else die in the last
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360. five minutes
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361. I should know about?
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362. Francis, you want
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363. to know everything
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364. that's been happening?
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365. Your father mowed the lawn,
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366. Reese polished off
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367. all the cereal,
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368. and I dropped a frying pan
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369. on my foot
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370. and I got a big black toe.
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371. You want me to send a picture?
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372. Egg! Cut it out!
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373. Who is Egg?
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374. Oh, he's a new boy in the house.
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375. What?
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376. Okay.
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377. It'll only hurt for a second
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378. and I'll get out of the funeral.
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379. I can tell Julie
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380. a really cool story
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381. about how I got my black eye.
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382. Aw, I'm so gutless!
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383. Why are you taking so long?
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384. Let's go.
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385. Reese, listen.
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386. I know it sounds crazy,
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387. but I need you to hit me.
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388. You idiot!
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389. In the eye!
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390. And leave a mark
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391. for Mom to see?
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392. Forget it.
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393. No bruises, no evidence...
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394. no crime.
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395. I guess we move on
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396. to plan B— lying.
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397. What book report?
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398. I just remembered.
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399. I have a big book report
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400. due tomorrow.
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401. And I haven't even
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402. started reading it.
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403. Standard technique—
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404. you volunteer a small crime
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405. to distract them
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406. from looking for the big one.
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407. So, what's the report on?
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408. A Tale of Two Cities.
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409. Oh, how many words?
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410. 750.
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411. Was that on your
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412. assignment sheet?
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413. No, it's an addendum.
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414. When did you get that?
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415. Thursday.
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416. I didn't bring it home.
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417. That's why I forgot
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418. to do the assignment.
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419. Ooh, nice one.
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420. Well, I suppose
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421. if it's schoolwork.
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422. That's the mislead.
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423. Wait for the reverse.
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424. A Tale of Two Cities.
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425. Who's that by?
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426. Charles Dickens.
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427. Oh, I thought it was
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428. Victor Hugo.
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429. No, it's Dickens.
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430. Is that the one
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431. with Jean Valjean?
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432. That's Les Miserables.
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433. No, no.
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434. Uh, isn't A Tale of Two Cities
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435. the one with Jean Valjean,
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436. where he's says, "It's a far,
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437. far better thing I do..."
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438. right before he steals
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439. a loaf of bread?
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440. No. Sidney Carton says that
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441. right before they behead him.
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442. I thought you hadn't read it.
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443. What? No. I said
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444. I hadn't written it.
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445. And when is it due?
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446. Tomorrow, I told you.
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447. On Les Miserables?
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448. Yes. No!
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449. It's on Tale of Two Cities.
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450. Which you haven't read yet.
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451. Right.
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452. But you just said you did.
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453. No, I-I said I didn't,
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454. and then you said...
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455. It was Thursday, and...
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456. Look, I just don't want to go
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457. to this stupid funeral!
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458. There's no reason for me
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459. to go, and I want to go
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460. to the concert with Julie!
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461. Let's go, let's go.
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462. I'll be waiting in the car.
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463. Malcolm?
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464. I am ashamed of you.
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465. Wanting to deny your
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466. poor Aunt Helen her due.
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467. No, that won't work on me,
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468. because I know
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469. you didn't love Aunt Helen.
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470. You hated her!
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471. Of course I hated her. What does
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472. that have to do with anything?
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473. What?
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474. Malcolm, this isn't about love.
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475. It's about family.
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476. We have a duty to this family.
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477. And we are darn well
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478. gonna do it!
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479. But why? It's not fair!
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480. You can't just stick the word
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481. "family" in front of something
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482. and turn everyone
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483. else into slaves.
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484. It makes no sense.
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485. No one liked this woman.
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486. So why do we have to
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487. pretend like we did now?
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488. What good will it do anybody?
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489. Hal?
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490. I got nothing.
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491. I could really use
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492. some support here.
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493. Excuse me?
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494. I am being
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495. incredibly supportive.
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496. I'm giving up my entire day
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497. for this-this thing.
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498. And you don't hear me
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499. complaining.
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500. Hal, it was a bunch
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501. of old record albums.
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502. It's not like you're not giving
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503. up something important.
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504. Well, they're important to me.
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505. You-you people!
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506. I can't believe you.
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507. I asked you to do
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508. one thing that...
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509. You're not asking;
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510. you're ordering.
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511. After all I do for this family.
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512. I cook, I clean,
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513. I spackle, I plunge.
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514. And none of it means anything
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515. to any of you people!
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516. And the one time
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517. I ask you for something—
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518. something that I shouldn't even
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519. have to ask you for—
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520. and all I get are complaints!
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521. Well, what about me, hmm?
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522. You think I want to be
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523. cleaning out the gutters
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524. when I could be
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525. surfing the beaches of Europe
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526. or-or cruising around on my hog?
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527. What hog?
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528. Aha!
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529. Exactly! Where's my hog?
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530. Where do you think you're going?
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531. I have had it!
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532. From now on,
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533. no one has to do anything.
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534. We can all just do
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535. whatever we want!
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536. And I want to take
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537. a bubble bath!
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538. Fine!
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539. So, that's a "yes"
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540. on the concert?
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541. Come on, come on.
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542. Are you gonna be
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543. in there all day?
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544. If I feel like it.
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545. Fine. Just so you know,
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546. when I'm done in the garage,
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547. I'm using the bathroom
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548. whether you're in here or not.
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549. Mom?
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550. I think we should go
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551. to Aunt Helen's funeral.
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552. I mean,
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553. she was a good woman.
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554. It's the least we can do.
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555. I don't know
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556. what you're trying to pull,
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557. Reese, but I don't like it.
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558. Am I the only one
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559. that cared about her?
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560. Yes, you're the good one.
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561. Enjoy your moment in the sun.
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562. Now, get out of here.
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563. This is me time.
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564. Hey, Reese,
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565. which one stinks more?
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566. What's your problem?
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567. You couldn't keep your big mouth
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568. shut until after the funeral.
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569. Now I'll have to wait
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570. for another relative
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571. to die to bury this thing.
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572. It could be weeks!
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573. You'll think of something.
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574. No, I won't.
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575. You have good ideas
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576. all the time.
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577. But for me, this was special.
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578. Hey! You can't leave
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579. this mess here.
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580. I've got a guest coming over.
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581. Too bad.
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582. Thanks to you,
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583. no one has to do
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584. anything anymore.
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585. It's anarchy, baby.
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586. That's the word, right?
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587. Um... Mom?
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588. I was just wondering
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589. if you could wash
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590. this shirt for me?
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591. You must be joking.
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592. But you're the only one
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593. that knows how to use
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594. the washer and dryer
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595. without getting shocked.
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596. Please?
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597. Well... since you said please.
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598. Here you go.
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599. All washed.
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600. I think you've been
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601. in the garage long enough.
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602. Okay.
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603. Gosh!
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604. Well, no, no, no.
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605. You are gonna get
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606. your own outlet.
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607. Uh... okay, here we go.
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608. Okay... okay, here we are.
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609. Come on.
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610. Come on. God.
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611. Gotcha!
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612. Oh.
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613. No, not my problem today.
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614. Hand me that loofah.
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615. He wants juice.
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616. Go get your own juice.
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617. You said I'm not supposed to.
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618. You're right.
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619. Okay, from now on,
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620. you are officially old enough
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621. to get your own juice.
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622. Poof.
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623. Darn it.
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624. Darn it.
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625. Darn it.
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626. Mom!
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627. I spilled!
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628. So? Clean it up!
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629. Green apple soap.
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630. Girls like green apples, right?
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631. Oh, man,
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632. she got my pants wet, too!
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633. Hello?
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634. Is Malcolm here?
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635. Is Malcolm here?
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636. Huh?
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637. Malcolm!
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638. Malcolm?
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639. Julie!
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640. Nothing.
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641. Oh, my God!
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642. Are you okay?
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643. I just wanted to be nice!
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644. People told me not
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645. to come to your house!
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646. But I thought they
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647. were just being silly!
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648. Julie, I'm sorry!
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649. Things aren't
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650. usually like this.
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651. Just give me a minute
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652. and I'll be ready to go.
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653. I don't want to go anymore!
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654. Just leave me alone!
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655. How could you let her see me
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656. in my underwear?
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657. Mom, this has gone too far!
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658. You have to do something!
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659. It's not supposed
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660. to be like this.
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661. We're not supposed
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662. to injure my friends.
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663. We're not supposed to let people
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664. see me in my underpants!
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665. We're supposed to be there
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666. for each other.
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667. Like when a family member dies,
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668. and we're supposed to go
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669. to their funeral?
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670. I'll be in my room.
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671. Then she slid into the trash
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672. and ran off.
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673. I swear, this whole family
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674. is falling apart.
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675. Oh, yes! I knew
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676. this moment would come.
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677. They don't have
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678. their scapegoat around,
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679. so everything goes to hell.
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680. No one realized that I'm the one
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681. who held this family together.
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682. Without me
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683. to blame everything on,
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684. they don't know what to do
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685. with themselves.
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686. A scapegoat... thanks.
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687. Mom thinks...
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688. He's right.
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689. This family needs a scapegoat.
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690. I started this, so I should be
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691. the one to end it.
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692. I did a terrible thing today.
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693. I tore this family apart.
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694. And I'm really sorry for that.
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695. But...
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696. it's not half as bad...
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697. as what Reese did!
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698. Oh, my God!
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699. I'm Mighty Man.
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700. Was this Dewey's present?
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701. Present?
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702. Reese, how could you?
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703. Do you know how
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704. expensive this was?
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705. Hal?
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706. I'm on it.
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707. That was a terrible thing to do
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708. to your little brother.
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709. There's more!
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710. He was gonna bury it
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711. with Aunt Helen!
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712. You were going to make
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713. Aunt Helen spend eternity
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714. with a crushed Mighty Man?
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715. A Mighty Man?
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716. I can't believe you!
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717. This is a whole
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718. new low, Reese.
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719. First of all,
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720. this is all circumstantial.
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721. I don't know how that thing
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722. got in my backpack.
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723. As for this Aunt Helen
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724. business, no one knows
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725. what I would've done at that
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726. funeral because we're not going.
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727. Who says we're not going?
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728. You did.
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729. Well, you can guess again.
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730. You are gonna march
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731. right up to that coffin,
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732. and apologize
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733. to that poor, dead woman.
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734. We all are.
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735. All right,
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736. everyone in the car as is.
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737. We'll have to drive creatively,
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738. but we might make the end.
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739. Let's go. Chop, chop!
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740. Here we go!
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741. Egg!
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742. Come on!
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743. Aunt Helen used to say...
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744. (raspy-
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745. "Oh, you're gonna
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746. miss me when I'm gone."
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747. And, uh, by the looks
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748. of today's turnout,
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749. I can see it wasn't
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750. just an idle threat.
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751. Yeah, Francis,
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752. your father's giving a speech.
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753. And it's actually
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754. kind of good.
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755. Can I get my phone back?
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756. I'm almost done, sweetie.
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757. Oh, Aunt Helen
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758. looks just lovely.
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759. You turn right back around,
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760. mister!
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761. You'll never guess
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762. what Reese did.
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763. Well, it's been
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764. a pretty productive day.
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765. I made Julie Rulerman hate me.
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766. Reese is gonna kill me
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767. the second we get home.
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768. And right now,
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769. Aunt Helen is personally
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770. bad-mouthing me to God.
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771. You want some more water,
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772. Uncle Louie?
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773. Sure.
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774. I need someone to put in
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775. a good word for me.
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