1. What are you looking at,
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2. monkey boy?
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3. Ow!
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4. Ow! Ow! Reese!
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5. What are you doing?
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6. Help! Ow! Help! Mom, help!
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7. No, cut it out. Cut it out.
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8. Ow! Ow! Ow!
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9. Help! It hurts! Ow!
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10. Knock it off, you little...
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11. Reese!
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12. What the heck are you doing?
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13. Honest to God,
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14. you can't leave that kid alone
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15. for five minutes
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16. without picking on him!
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17. I didn't do anything, Mom.
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18. Go!
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19. He's lying!
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20. I gave him that.
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21. Honey, which juice
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22. don't I like—
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23. apple or grape?
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24. You don't like either.
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25. Oh, right.
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26. Malcolm, what is all this
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27. stuff from your teacher?
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28. That woman sends home two
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29. or three fliers every day.
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30. She says she wants the parents
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31. to be as involved as possible
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32. with the children.
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33. At school? It's the
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34. only break I get.
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35. What exactly is "personal
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36. fulfillment week"?
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37. Square dancing.
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38. That's right,
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39. square dancing.
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40. You should see it.
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41. The Krelboynes dance
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42. on the tetherball courts
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43. in front
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44. of the whole school.
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45. We laugh our asses off.
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46. Excuse me?
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47. Butts.
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48. We laugh our butts off.
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49. Uh-oh.
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50. Open.
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51. Swish.
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52. Spit.
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53. This tastes like crap.
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54. Reese is right.
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55. This class is turning me
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56. into a total weirdo.
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57. You are not a weirdo.
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58. You are gifted.
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59. And if gifted kids are
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60. supposed to square-dance,
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61. then you'll do it.
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62. Probably teaches you geometry.
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63. Don't forget to mail these
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64. bills; they're late.
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65. Ah. Ooh!
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66. Two blues, only one pink.
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67. We're doing better.
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68. Well, don't get cocky.
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69. They're hot until
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70. I deposit my paycheck.
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71. You kids, let's get going.
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72. Come on, Malcolm!
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73. You don't want them to
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74. do-si-doing without you.
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75. That's it!
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76. For the sake of my manhood,
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77. today I'm ditching school.
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78. Hey!
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79. Why don't I drive you boys
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80. to school today?
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81. Uh, that's okay, Dad.
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82. I don't mind walking.
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83. Oh, no, no, no.
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84. I really want to.
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85. A chance to spend
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86. a few extra minutes
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87. with my sons,
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88. enjoying their company.
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89. Honestly, son, it'll be
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90. the highlight of my day.
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91. Come on.
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92. Great. Now I can't
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93. even be mad at him.
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94. Aw, Stanley.
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95. Let me show you how it's done.
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96. Uh-oh, eyes down.
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97. That was good.
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98. You didn't give them
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99. any satisfaction.
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100. In another six months,
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101. they'll be bored with you.
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102. That's got to hurt!
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103. Mom was right.
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104. I do get some sick thrill
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105. out of trouble.
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106. Ow!
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107. That skinny guy!
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108. Come on, get him!
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109. Commandant on the floor.
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110. Ten-hut!
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111. I smell smoke.
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112. Who is responsible?
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113. Very well.
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114. We'll do it the hard way.
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115. Patton.
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116. Francis, please lift up
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117. your right foot.
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118. Son, you have
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119. the worst attitude
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120. I've ever seen in 15 years
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121. at this institution.
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122. You seem compelled
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123. to break every rule,
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124. to flout every convention.
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125. You are never
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126. gonna make it—
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127. in the Armed Forces
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128. or anywhere else.
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129. Now, I was never fortunate
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130. enough to serve in combat,
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131. but I do know what it requires.
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132. Look at this dog.
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133. He is vicious,
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134. he is ungrateful,
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135. and yet even he understands
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136. the importance
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137. of obedience.
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138. Do you hear
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139. what I am saying, Francis?
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140. Yes, sir.
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141. I'll try to be more like
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142. a Jack Russell terrier, sir.
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143. There will be
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144. no hot water for this floor
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145. for the entire month.
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146. You can thank the cadet
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147. after I leave.
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148. Ow!
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149. Reese wiped his booger
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150. on my lunch bag.
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151. Dewey, what have we taught you
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152. about snitching?
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153. "Only snitch
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154. when asked to snitch."
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155. Good boy.
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156. So, looking forward to school?
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157. I guess.
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158. Well, that's a shame.
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159. 'Cause we're not going
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160. to school.
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161. Where are we going?
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162. Boys, I'm going to share
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163. something with you
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164. I hope you'll remember
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165. for the rest of your lives.
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166. Now, I don't want
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167. to spoil the surprise,
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168. but I've been planning this
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169. for years.
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170. I just had to wait
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171. until you were all old enough
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172. to appreciate it.
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173. Hookers?
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174. If it gets me out
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175. of square dancing, fine.
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176. Just sit back
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177. and enjoy the ride, boys.
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178. We're rebels.
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179. We're wild men!
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180. Whoo!
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181. Where did I put
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182. the damn paycheck?
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183. (quietly):
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184. Yeah.
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185. Those guys are wimps.
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186. That's not even half the size
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187. of the one I gave you
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188. just to get you
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189. out of riflery.
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190. Hey, thanks
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191. for pulling them off me.
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192. I owe you one.
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193. One?
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194. Hey, you want to see
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195. something very, very cool?
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196. Oh, boy, what have
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197. you done now?
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198. Oh, isn't he beautiful?
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199. He only cost me $20.
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200. I'm calling him Otis.
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201. Did you listen to
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202. anything Spangler said?
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203. You're already in
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204. enough trouble as it is
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205. without bringing in a pet.
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206. Well, Spangler has
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207. that oversized gerbil.
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208. And besides,
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209. Otis is not a pet.
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210. Otis is a symbol.
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211. Of what?
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212. Of everything that is
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213. beautiful in the world.
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214. Independence...
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215. free thought.
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216. I may be stuck here in
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217. this militaristic loony bin,
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218. but at least some part of me
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219. can stay connected
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220. to the things
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221. that give me my humanity.
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222. You're not gonna
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223. turn me in, are you?
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224. I don't know.
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225. On the one hand,
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226. you're probably
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227. gonna get caught,
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228. because you always do.
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229. Then, of course,
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230. I'll be involved
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231. even though I had
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232. nothing to do with it.
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233. On the other hand...
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234. it's a snake.
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235. Good man!
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236. I think I'm starting
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237. to bring out the rebel in you.
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238. Touching.
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239. Right. Sorry.
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240. Stock car races!
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241. Oh, cool!
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242. That's right, boys.
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243. The real field of dreams—
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244. only with concrete
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245. instead of all that grass.
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246. We all together? Here we go.
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247. Excuse us, please.
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248. Here we go...
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249. Oh, oh! Boys, boys?
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250. You see that blue
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251. car down in front—
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252. number 16?
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253. Yeah.
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254. That is Rusty Malcolm.
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255. The greatest man in the
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256. history of the sport.
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257. Maybe the greatest man ever.
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258. 15 NASCAR titles,
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259. six world records.
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260. Inventor of the in-car
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261. urination system.
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262. The list is endless.
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263. And he came from nothing
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264. just like you boys.
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265. You see, this is Rusty's
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266. last race ever.
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267. He's retiring, so I
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268. wanted to share him
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269. with you before he went so
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270. that you can see for yourselves
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271. just how much you can accomplish
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272. in this world with a...
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273. a little persistence
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274. and determination.
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275. Did you read
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276. that article in People
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277. about him getting a divorce?
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278. Shut your filthy mouth.
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279. You know, you were named
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280. after Rusty, Malcolm.
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281. I was?
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282. Yes sirree, Bob.
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283. Took me two kids
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284. to win that argument.
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285. Gentlemen, start
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286. your excitement,
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287. because here they come!
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288. He won!
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289. Rusty Malcolm won!
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290. Oh, no, sweetheart.
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291. That was just the pace lap.
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292. How many laps are there?
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293. Oh, hundreds.
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294. We've got four hours of this.
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295. Four hours?
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296. Uh-huh.
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297. Do we at least get to see
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298. any flaming wrecks?
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299. Reese, it's
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300. not about that.
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301. See, it's about strategy
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302. and-and technique.
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303. It's-it's about the melding
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304. of man and machine.
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305. The wrecks are
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306. just sort of a bonus.
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307. Dewey?
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308. You can keep track
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309. of the laps.
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310. Can we go get sodas?
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311. What? Already?
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312. Well, okay.
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313. Guess it can't be a special
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314. day without sodas, huh?
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315. Here. Oh, hey, wait,
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316. wait, wait, wait.
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317. See if you can get
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318. your dad a beer.
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319. Take my I.D.
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320. Come on, Rusty!
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321. Firecrackers.
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322. Malcolm.
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323. I'm gonna say Reese.
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324. Dewey, stay with us.
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325. You're gonna get lost.
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326. No, I won't.
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327. Yes, you will.
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328. You always do.
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329. You know you could help.
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330. I'm watching him.
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331. He's right over...
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332. Man, how does he do that?
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333. Totally your fault!
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334. He was right in your eye line.
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335. You don't pay
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336. attention to anything!
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337. I pay attention.
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338. Score!
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339. What are you doing?
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340. (muffled):
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341. Too slow.
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342. Come on.
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343. Let's just go find Dewey.
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344. This place sucks.
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345. It's hot, it stinks,
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346. nobody's T-shirts
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347. cover their stomachs,
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348. and I'm bored out of my mind.
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349. Hey.
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350. Look at that.
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351. Let's check it out.
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352. I don't know.
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353. It doesn't just say "keep out,"
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354. it says "forbidden."
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355. And they wouldn't bother
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356. making it "forbidden"
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357. if it wasn't something totally
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358. bitching on the other side.
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359. Wow. I can't find a flaw
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360. in his logic.
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361. Come on. What's the worst
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362. that could happen?
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363. We didn't do anything!
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364. I'm a diabetic!
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365. I need insulin!
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366. Sit down!
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367. You are such an idiot!
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368. It actually was pretty bitching.
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369. I'm totally getting
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370. one of these for Christmas.
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371. What does the sign say?
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372. "No soliciting."
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373. Yeah, that includes Jesus.
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374. No, it's Carolyn Miller,
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375. Malcolm's teacher.
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376. I need to talk to you.
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377. Yeah, come on in!
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378. Oh, spring cleaning?
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379. Oh, ho.
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380. Yeah, I'm cleaning house,
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381. all right.
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382. I'm sorry to bother
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383. you at home,
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384. but when Malcolm didn't
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385. show up for school today...
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386. What?
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387. Malcolm cut school today?
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388. Yeah. Actually, not just today.
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389. Now, I know your first
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390. reaction is probably
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391. gonna be one of
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392. understandable...
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393. Wait!
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394. "Ditching."
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395. We have a winner!
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396. Anyway, this week we've been
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397. doing a lot of work
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398. on folk movement,
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399. and I-I think that Malcolm
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400. may be ditching because
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401. he's afaid that...
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402. well, that he may
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403. not seem... graceful.
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404. Oh, you're serious.
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405. Yes, I'm serious.
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406. I think he may have body issues.
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407. Look, honey,
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408. you're probably very bright,
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409. but you got a lot
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410. to learn about boys.
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411. First off,
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412. they're able to think maybe
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413. three minutes into the future,
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414. and it's our job
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415. to make sure that future
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416. comes crashing down on them
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417. within the time limit.
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418. Otherwise,
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419. they never learn anything.
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420. Help lift.
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421. What is that?
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422. Don't be such a baby.
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423. I'll get the tongs.
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424. I'll be Kevin.
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425. You be Clyde.
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426. Think you can cry?
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427. No. I got to feel it.
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428. Ooh, ooh, I got an idea.
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429. No!
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430. Just follow my lead.
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431. No, Reese.
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432. Whatever it is, no!
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433. Well, I guess you boys
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434. had some time
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435. to think about what you've done.
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436. Yes, sir.
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437. Look, I, uh...
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438. used to be your age.
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439. And I understand how tempting
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440. a place like that can be.
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441. And I guess you kids
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442. really didn't do any major harm,
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443. so I've decided
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444. to let you off...
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445. Hi-ya!
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446. You idiot!
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447. Open it!
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448. It's locked!
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449. Okay, I think
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450. I can cry now.
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451. My pleasure, Rusty!
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452. Hey, how about that, boys?
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453. Well, this just plain
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454. hurts my feelings.
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455. Oh, man.
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456. Oh, ma... Stanley,
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457. I'm sorry, I did...
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458. Wait. I'm trying to see
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459. if I'm inspired
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460. by its symbolic bid
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461. for freedom.
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462. No. I'm just really pissed.
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463. Okay, don't overreact.
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464. It's just a snake, right?
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465. So, it's got to be
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466. around here somewhere.
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467. No big deal.
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468. Oh, my God, Patton! No!
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469. Hi, Mom. Uh, I was just thinking
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470. about how much I missed you guys
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471. and I love you, and...
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472. I was thinking
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473. I should come for a visit,
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474. you know, like, today.
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475. There's a flight leaving
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476. in half an hour
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477. and I already booked it,
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478. so I just need
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479. your credit card number to...
Copy !req
480. Well, honey, here's the thing.
Copy !req
481. Right now, you are
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482. actually better off
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483. being as far away from me
Copy !req
484. as possible.
Copy !req
485. But...
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486. Aw, you got to trust me
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487. on this one, Francis—
Copy !req
488. or, uh, should I say...
Copy !req
489. "Olaf Mortenson"
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490. of Wheatville, Montana?
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491. You know, I have learned more
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492. in two hours with you
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493. than I have
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494. in six years of teaching.
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495. So, did your life
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496. turn out anything at all
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497. like you planned?
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498. Oh, God, no.
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499. Oh, when I was a girl,
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500. I had all these crazy,
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501. romantic dreams.
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502. I wanted to be
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503. a blackjack dealer
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504. in an Indian reservation.
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505. Didn't work out.
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506. Stubby thumbs.
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507. Well, at least
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508. you have your home
Copy !req
509. and your family.
Copy !req
510. All I come home to every night
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511. are three howling cats
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512. and... Bob.
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513. Who's Bob?
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514. My showerhead.
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515. Do you have anything stronger?
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516. I'm way ahead of you.
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517. and it looks like
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518. Rusty Malcolm
Copy !req
519. will win his final race!
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520. Rusty!
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521. I can't believe
Copy !req
522. they're missing this.
Copy !req
523. What happened?
Copy !req
524. What happened?
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525. Rusty do something?
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526. Missed it!
Copy !req
527. What'd he do?
Copy !req
528. Men... a terrible tragedy
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529. has befallen us.
Copy !req
530. At approximately 1700 hours,
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531. our beloved Patton
Copy !req
532. was set upon by a serpent
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533. and devoured.
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534. I, myself, fired
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535. a few rounds
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536. as it slithered away,
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537. but hampered by a lack
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538. of depth perception,
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539. my efforts were useless.
Copy !req
540. Now... after an incident
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541. such as this,
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542. certain questions arise.
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543. Leaving aside for the moment
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544. why God feels the need to take
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545. away everything that I love,
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546. that leaves us
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547. with the matter of
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548. who is responsible.
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549. Can you explain that,
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550. Francis?
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551. Yes, sir. I believe
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552. you lost that finger
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553. trying to restart
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554. the school lawnmower, sir.
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555. What is in the hand?
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556. They appear to be
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557. Raisinettes, sir.
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558. They are snake droppings,
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559. found in your footlocker.
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560. Now, what do you
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561. have to say for yourself?
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562. Sir, I'm obviously the victim
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563. of an elaborate conspiracy
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564. to frame me.
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565. It's just too perfect, sir.
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566. Two months!
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567. No hot water, no television,
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568. and an 8:00 p.m. curfew
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569. for the entire academy.
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570. Feel free to
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571. thank the cadet
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572. after I leave.
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573. Could I ask one favor—
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574. would you send a picture
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575. to my mom with "I told you so"
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576. written across it?
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577. Yeah! Whoo!
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578. Yeah!
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579. Way to go, man!
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580. What?
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581. We hated that
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582. yappy, little rat.
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583. Let's hear it for
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584. Francis, you guys!
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585. This is an improvement, right?
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586. Reese!
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587. Malcolm!
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588. Hi, Dad.
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589. Hi. Where are your brothers?
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590. Oh, geez.
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591. Come on.
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592. Uh... what-what seems to be
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593. the trouble here,
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594. Officer, uh... Karl?
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595. These your boys?
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596. Uh, yes, sir, that they are.
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597. Fine boys. Couldn't
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598. be prouder of them.
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599. For your information,
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600. these are two of the worst kids
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601. I have ever encountered
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602. in my life.
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603. And I work the state fair.
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604. Really? See, that
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605. must be fascinating.
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606. Seeing people from all over,
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607. the different cultures...
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608. Hey!
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609. I don't want to be
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610. a hard case here,
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611. but these kids
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612. physically attacked me.
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613. Uh-huh, uh-huh.
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614. Plus, they completely destroyed
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615. a $300 pneumatic drill, which
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616. someone's going to pay for.
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617. Well, this all sounds
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618. pretty serious.
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619. But don't you worry,
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620. Officer Karl.
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621. They are gonna hear all about
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622. when I get them home. You see,
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623. I'm just sorry that they had
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624. to put you through all of this.
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625. That's not fair.
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626. And I, uh, see, I fully
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627. intend to pay for... Aah!
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628. Clyde, Kevin! Get to the car!
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629. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
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630. Ooh!
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631. Okay.
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632. All right, men.
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633. Well, I hope you've all
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634. learned something today, huh?
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635. I learned my dad
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636. is actually capable
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637. of doing something cool.
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638. I'm not saying violence is cool,
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639. but that was cool.
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640. I always wondered
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641. where we got it from.
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642. Program... tickets...
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643. Huh.
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644. Your mother's paycheck.
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645. Now, boys, remember,
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646. as far as your mom knows...
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647. I have been at work all day.
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648. Okay, go on.
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649. All right.
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650. Well, at least she doesn't know
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651. I skipped school all week.
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