Malcolm in the Middle 1x10

Directed by Todd Holland

Joel McKinnon Miller as Officer Karl • Karim Prince as Stanley • Daniel von Bargen as Commandant Edwin Spangler • Scott McDonald as Man in Grandstands • Ron Robinson as Tough Cadet #1

While Hal secretly takes the boys to the stock car races, Lois desperately searches for her missing paycheck. Francis at military school is keeping a boa constrictor as a pet.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. What are you looking at,

2. monkey boy?

3. Ow!

4. Ow! Ow! Reese!

5. What are you doing?

6. Help! Ow! Help! Mom, help!

7. No, cut it out. Cut it out.

8. Ow! Ow! Ow!

9. Help! It hurts! Ow!

10. Knock it off, you little...

11. Reese!

12. What the heck are you doing?

13. Honest to God,

14. you can't leave that kid alone

15. for five minutes

16. without picking on him!

17. I didn't do anything, Mom.

18. Go!

19. He's lying!

20. I gave him that.

21. Honey, which juice

22. don't I like—

23. apple or grape?

24. You don't like either.

25. Oh, right.

26. Malcolm, what is all this

27. stuff from your teacher?

28. That woman sends home two

29. or three fliers every day.

30. She says she wants the parents

31. to be as involved as possible

32. with the children.

33. At school? It's the

34. only break I get.

35. What exactly is "personal

36. fulfillment week"?

37. Square dancing.

38. That's right,

39. square dancing.

40. You should see it.

41. The Krelboynes dance

42. on the tetherball courts

43. in front

44. of the whole school.

45. We laugh our asses off.

46. Excuse me?

47. Butts.

48. We laugh our butts off.

49. Uh-oh.

50. Open.

51. Swish.

52. Spit.

53. This tastes like crap.

54. Reese is right.

55. This class is turning me

56. into a total weirdo.

57. You are not a weirdo.

58. You are gifted.

59. And if gifted kids are

60. supposed to square-dance,

61. then you'll do it.

62. Probably teaches you geometry.

63. Don't forget to mail these

64. bills; they're late.

65. Ah. Ooh!

66. Two blues, only one pink.

67. We're doing better.

68. Well, don't get cocky.

69. They're hot until

70. I deposit my paycheck.

71. You kids, let's get going.

72. Come on, Malcolm!

73. You don't want them to

74. do-si-doing without you.

75. That's it!

76. For the sake of my manhood,

77. today I'm ditching school.

78. Hey!

79. Why don't I drive you boys

80. to school today?

81. Uh, that's okay, Dad.

82. I don't mind walking.

83. Oh, no, no, no.

84. I really want to.

85. A chance to spend

86. a few extra minutes

87. with my sons,

88. enjoying their company.

89. Honestly, son, it'll be

90. the highlight of my day.

91. Come on.

92. Great. Now I can't

93. even be mad at him.

94. Aw, Stanley.

95. Let me show you how it's done.

96. Uh-oh, eyes down.

97. That was good.

98. You didn't give them

99. any satisfaction.

100. In another six months,

101. they'll be bored with you.

102. That's got to hurt!

103. Mom was right.

104. I do get some sick thrill

105. out of trouble.

106. Ow!

107. That skinny guy!

108. Come on, get him!

109. Commandant on the floor.

110. Ten-hut!

111. I smell smoke.

112. Who is responsible?

113. Very well.

114. We'll do it the hard way.

115. Patton.

116. Francis, please lift up

117. your right foot.

118. Son, you have

119. the worst attitude

120. I've ever seen in 15 years

121. at this institution.

122. You seem compelled

123. to break every rule,

124. to flout every convention.

125. You are never

126. gonna make it—

127. in the Armed Forces

128. or anywhere else.

129. Now, I was never fortunate

130. enough to serve in combat,

131. but I do know what it requires.

132. Look at this dog.

133. He is vicious,

134. he is ungrateful,

135. and yet even he understands

136. the importance

137. of obedience.

138. Do you hear

139. what I am saying, Francis?

140. Yes, sir.

141. I'll try to be more like

142. a Jack Russell terrier, sir.

143. There will be

144. no hot water for this floor

145. for the entire month.

146. You can thank the cadet

147. after I leave.

148. Ow!

149. Reese wiped his booger

150. on my lunch bag.

151. Dewey, what have we taught you

152. about snitching?

153. "Only snitch

154. when asked to snitch."

155. Good boy.

156. So, looking forward to school?

157. I guess.

158. Well, that's a shame.

159. 'Cause we're not going

160. to school.

161. Where are we going?

162. Boys, I'm going to share

163. something with you

164. I hope you'll remember

165. for the rest of your lives.

166. Now, I don't want

167. to spoil the surprise,

168. but I've been planning this

169. for years.

170. I just had to wait

171. until you were all old enough

172. to appreciate it.

173. Hookers?

174. If it gets me out

175. of square dancing, fine.

176. Just sit back

177. and enjoy the ride, boys.

178. We're rebels.

179. We're wild men!

180. Whoo!

181. Where did I put

182. the damn paycheck?

183. Yeah.

184. Those guys are wimps.

185. That's not even half the size

186. of the one I gave you

187. just to get you

188. out of riflery.

189. Hey, thanks

190. for pulling them off me.

191. I owe you one.

192. One?

193. Hey, you want to see

194. something very, very cool?

195. Oh, boy, what have

196. you done now?

197. Oh, isn't he beautiful?

198. He only cost me $20.

199. I'm calling him Otis.

200. Did you listen to

201. anything Spangler said?

202. You're already in

203. enough trouble as it is

204. without bringing in a pet.

205. Well, Spangler has

206. that oversized gerbil.

207. And besides,

208. Otis is not a pet.

209. Otis is a symbol.

210. Of what?

211. Of everything that is

212. beautiful in the world.

213. Independence...

214. free thought.

215. I may be stuck here in

216. this militaristic loony bin,

217. but at least some part of me

218. can stay connected

219. to the things

220. that give me my humanity.

221. You're not gonna

222. turn me in, are you?

223. I don't know.

224. On the one hand,

225. you're probably

226. gonna get caught,

227. because you always do.

228. Then, of course,

229. I'll be involved

230. even though I had

231. nothing to do with it.

232. On the other hand...

233. it's a snake.

234. Good man!

235. I think I'm starting

236. to bring out the rebel in you.

237. Touching.

238. Right. Sorry.

239. Stock car races!

240. Oh, cool!

241. That's right, boys.

242. The real field of dreams—

243. only with concrete

244. instead of all that grass.

245. We all together? Here we go.

246. Excuse us, please.

247. Here we go...

248. Oh, oh! Boys, boys?

249. You see that blue

250. car down in front—

251. number 16?

252. Yeah.

253. That is Rusty Malcolm.

254. The greatest man in the

255. history of the sport.

256. Maybe the greatest man ever.

257. 15 NASCAR titles,

258. six world records.

259. Inventor of the in-car

260. urination system.

261. The list is endless.

262. And he came from nothing

263. just like you boys.

264. You see, this is Rusty's

265. last race ever.

266. He's retiring, so I

267. wanted to share him

268. with you before he went so

269. that you can see for yourselves

270. just how much you can accomplish

271. in this world with a...

272. a little persistence

273. and determination.

274. Did you read

275. that article in People

276. about him getting a divorce?

277. Shut your filthy mouth.

278. You know, you were named

279. after Rusty, Malcolm.

280. I was?

281. Yes sirree, Bob.

282. Took me two kids

283. to win that argument.

284. Gentlemen, start

285. your excitement,

286. because here they come!

287. He won!

288. Rusty Malcolm won!

289. Oh, no, sweetheart.

290. That was just the pace lap.

291. How many laps are there?

292. Oh, hundreds.

293. We've got four hours of this.

294. Four hours?

295. Uh-huh.

296. Do we at least get to see

297. any flaming wrecks?

298. Reese, it's

299. not about that.

300. See, it's about strategy

301. and-and technique.

302. It's-it's about the melding

303. of man and machine.

304. The wrecks are

305. just sort of a bonus.

306. Dewey?

307. You can keep track

308. of the laps.

309. Can we go get sodas?

310. What? Already?

311. Well, okay.

312. Guess it can't be a special

313. day without sodas, huh?

314. Here. Oh, hey, wait,

315. wait, wait, wait.

316. See if you can get

317. your dad a beer.

318. Take my I.D.

319. Come on, Rusty!

320. Firecrackers.

321. Malcolm.

322. I'm gonna say Reese.

323. Dewey, stay with us.

324. You're gonna get lost.

325. No, I won't.

326. Yes, you will.

327. You always do.

328. You know you could help.

329. I'm watching him.

330. He's right over...

331. Man, how does he do that?

332. Totally your fault!

333. He was right in your eye line.

334. You don't pay

335. attention to anything!

336. I pay attention.

337. Score!

338. What are you doing?

339. Too slow.

340. Come on.

341. Let's just go find Dewey.

342. This place sucks.

343. It's hot, it stinks,

344. nobody's T-shirts

345. cover their stomachs,

346. and I'm bored out of my mind.

347. Hey.

348. Look at that.

349. Let's check it out.

350. I don't know.

351. It doesn't just say "keep out,"

352. it says "forbidden."

353. And they wouldn't bother

354. making it "forbidden"

355. if it wasn't something totally

356. bitching on the other side.

357. Wow. I can't find a flaw

358. in his logic.

359. Come on. What's the worst

360. that could happen?

361. We didn't do anything!

362. I'm a diabetic!

363. I need insulin!

364. Sit down!

365. You are such an idiot!

366. It actually was pretty bitching.

367. I'm totally getting

368. one of these for Christmas.

369. What does the sign say?

370. "No soliciting."

371. Yeah, that includes Jesus.

372. No, it's Carolyn Miller,

373. Malcolm's teacher.

374. I need to talk to you.

375. Yeah, come on in!

376. Oh, spring cleaning?

377. Oh, ho.

378. Yeah, I'm cleaning house,

379. all right.

380. I'm sorry to bother

381. you at home,

382. but when Malcolm didn't

383. show up for school today...

384. What?

385. Malcolm cut school today?

386. Yeah. Actually, not just today.

387. Now, I know your first

388. reaction is probably

389. gonna be one of

390. understandable...

391. Wait!

392. "Ditching."

393. We have a winner!

394. Anyway, this week we've been

395. doing a lot of work

396. on folk movement,

397. and I-I think that Malcolm

398. may be ditching because

399. he's afaid that...

400. well, that he may

401. not seem... graceful.

402. Oh, you're serious.

403. Yes, I'm serious.

404. I think he may have body issues.

405. Look, honey,

406. you're probably very bright,

407. but you got a lot

408. to learn about boys.

409. First off,

410. they're able to think maybe

411. three minutes into the future,

412. and it's our job

413. to make sure that future

414. comes crashing down on them

415. within the time limit.

416. Otherwise,

417. they never learn anything.

418. Help lift.

419. What is that?

420. Don't be such a baby.

421. I'll get the tongs.

422. I'll be Kevin.

423. You be Clyde.

424. Think you can cry?

425. No. I got to feel it.

426. Ooh, ooh, I got an idea.

427. No!

428. Just follow my lead.

429. No, Reese.

430. Whatever it is, no!

431. Well, I guess you boys

432. had some time

433. to think about what you've done.

434. Yes, sir.

435. Look, I, uh...

436. used to be your age.

437. And I understand how tempting

438. a place like that can be.

439. And I guess you kids

440. really didn't do any major harm,

441. so I've decided

442. to let you off...

443. Hi-ya!

444. You idiot!

445. Open it!

446. It's locked!

447. Okay, I think

448. I can cry now.

449. My pleasure, Rusty!

450. Hey, how about that, boys?

451. Well, this just plain

452. hurts my feelings.

453. Oh, man.

454. Oh, ma... Stanley,

455. I'm sorry, I did...

456. Wait. I'm trying to see

457. if I'm inspired

458. by its symbolic bid

459. for freedom.

460. No. I'm just really pissed.

461. Okay, don't overreact.

462. It's just a snake, right?

463. So, it's got to be

464. around here somewhere.

465. No big deal.

466. Oh, my God, Patton! No!

467. Hi, Mom. Uh, I was just thinking

468. about how much I missed you guys

469. and I love you, and...

470. I was thinking

471. I should come for a visit,

472. you know, like, today.

473. There's a flight leaving

474. in half an hour

475. and I already booked it,

476. so I just need

477. your credit card number to...

478. Well, honey, here's the thing.

479. Right now, you are

480. actually better off

481. being as far away from me

482. as possible.

483. But...

484. Aw, you got to trust me

485. on this one, Francis—

486. or, uh, should I say...

487. "Olaf Mortenson"

488. of Wheatville, Montana?

489. You know, I have learned more

490. in two hours with you

491. than I have

492. in six years of teaching.

493. So, did your life

494. turn out anything at all

495. like you planned?

496. Oh, God, no.

497. Oh, when I was a girl,

498. I had all these crazy,

499. romantic dreams.

500. I wanted to be

501. a blackjack dealer

502. in an Indian reservation.

503. Didn't work out.

504. Stubby thumbs.

505. Well, at least

506. you have your home

507. and your family.

508. All I come home to every night

509. are three howling cats

510. and... Bob.

511. Who's Bob?

512. My showerhead.

513. Do you have anything stronger?

514. I'm way ahead of you.

515. and it looks like

516. Rusty Malcolm

517. will win his final race!

518. Rusty!

519. I can't believe

520. they're missing this.

521. What happened?

522. What happened?

523. Rusty do something?

524. Missed it!

525. What'd he do?

526. Men... a terrible tragedy

527. has befallen us.

528. At approximately 1700 hours,

529. our beloved Patton

530. was set upon by a serpent

531. and devoured.

532. I, myself, fired

533. a few rounds

534. as it slithered away,

535. but hampered by a lack

536. of depth perception,

537. my efforts were useless.

538. Now... after an incident

539. such as this,

540. certain questions arise.

541. Leaving aside for the moment

542. why God feels the need to take

543. away everything that I love,

544. that leaves us

545. with the matter of

546. who is responsible.

547. Can you explain that,

548. Francis?

549. Yes, sir. I believe

550. you lost that finger

551. trying to restart

552. the school lawnmower, sir.

553. What is in the hand?

554. They appear to be

555. Raisinettes, sir.

556. They are snake droppings,

557. found in your footlocker.

558. Now, what do you

559. have to say for yourself?

560. Sir, I'm obviously the victim

561. of an elaborate conspiracy

562. to frame me.

563. It's just too perfect, sir.

564. Two months!

565. No hot water, no television,

566. and an 8:00 p.m. curfew

567. for the entire academy.

568. Feel free to

569. thank the cadet

570. after I leave.

571. Could I ask one favor—

572. would you send a picture

573. to my mom with "I told you so"

574. written across it?

575. Yeah! Whoo!

576. Yeah!

577. Way to go, man!

578. What?

579. We hated that

580. yappy, little rat.

581. Let's hear it for

582. Francis, you guys!

583. This is an improvement, right?

584. Reese!

585. Malcolm!

586. Hi, Dad.

587. Hi. Where are your brothers?

588. Oh, geez.

589. Come on.

590. Uh... what-what seems to be

591. the trouble here,

592. Officer, uh... Karl?

593. These your boys?

594. Uh, yes, sir, that they are.

595. Fine boys. Couldn't

596. be prouder of them.

597. For your information,

598. these are two of the worst kids

599. I have ever encountered

600. in my life.

601. And I work the state fair.

602. Really? See, that

603. must be fascinating.

604. Seeing people from all over,

605. the different cultures...

606. Hey!

607. I don't want to be

608. a hard case here,

609. but these kids

610. physically attacked me.

611. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

612. Plus, they completely destroyed

613. a $300 pneumatic drill, which

614. someone's going to pay for.

615. Well, this all sounds

616. pretty serious.

617. But don't you worry,

618. Officer Karl.

619. They are gonna hear all about

620. when I get them home. You see,

621. I'm just sorry that they had

622. to put you through all of this.

623. That's not fair.

624. And I, uh, see, I fully

625. intend to pay for... Aah!

626. Clyde, Kevin! Get to the car!

627. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

628. Ooh!

629. Okay.

630. All right, men.

631. Well, I hope you've all

632. learned something today, huh?

633. I learned my dad

634. is actually capable

635. of doing something cool.

636. I'm not saying violence is cool,

637. but that was cool.

638. I always wondered

639. where we got it from.

640. Program... tickets...

641. Huh.

642. Your mother's paycheck.

643. Now, boys, remember,

644. as far as your mom knows...

645. I have been at work all day.

646. Okay, go on.

647. All right.

648. Well, at least she doesn't know

649. I skipped school all week.