1. This is the world—
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2. 196 million square miles.
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3. If I covered 100 square miles
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4. an hour
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5. every hour
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6. for the rest of my life
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7. I'd still only see half of it.
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8. This is the left nostril
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9. of my brother Reese.
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10. It squeaks all night long.
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11. These are
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12. the freezing cold feet
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13. of my little brother... Dewey.
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14. This is my oldest brother
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15. Francis.
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16. He's the one I really like
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17. so, of course, he got sent
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18. to military school.
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19. My name is Malcolm.
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20. You want to know
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21. what the best thing
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22. about childhood is?
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23. At some point, it stops.
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24. Malcolm, Reese, Dewey,
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25. get in here!
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26. No, stop!
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27. I'm not touching...
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28. There's only two
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29. toaster waffles.
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30. One of you has
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31. to have cereal.
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32. It's mine!
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33. Come on!
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34. Give it!
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35. You cheated!
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36. Give it! Give it!
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37. Huh, look at this.
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38. They're sending
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39. an unmanned
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40. probe to Venus
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41. and letting a bunch of
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42. schoolchildren name it.
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43. Well, that's going
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44. to end badly.
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45. They do this every month.
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46. He has sensitive skin.
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47. The hair gets itchy
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48. under his clothes.
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49. It always seems
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50. like such a shame
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51. to just dump this
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52. in the trash.
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53. Maybe birds would like
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54. to make nests with it
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55. or, I don't know, maybe
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56. you boys could use it
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57. for school projects.
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58. Arms up.
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59. Malcolm, come right home
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60. from school.
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61. Dude.
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62. Malcolm, you come right home
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63. from school today.
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64. I made a play date for you
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65. with Stevie Kenarban
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66. and you have
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67. to take a bath.
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68. What? Mom, no!
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69. Malcolm
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70. has a play date?
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71. Shut up, Reese!
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72. With Stevie "The
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73. Wheelie" Kenarban?
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74. Oh, man!
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75. Why is playing
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76. a problem for you?
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77. First off,
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78. I don't even know Stevie.
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79. I saw his mother
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80. at the grocery story. She said
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81. you boys ate lunch together.
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82. One time.
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83. He rolled his wheelchair
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84. over next to me.
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85. It's not like
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86. I couldn't say, "go away."
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87. He's not even
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88. in my class.
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89. He's in the Krelboyne class
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90. in the trailer
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91. next to tetherball.
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92. You listen to me,
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93. young man.
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94. That one lunch obviously
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95. meant a lot to Stevie.
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96. He's a human being
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97. with human feelings.
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98. Now, you are going
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99. to be friends with
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100. that crippled boy
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101. and you are going
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102. to like it. Understood?
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103. Yes, ma'am. Understood.
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104. If I give up now,
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105. I won't get the lecture.
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106. You kids...
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107. Dang.
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108. You just take your legs
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109. for granted, you know?
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110. Like nothing could
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111. ever happen to them.
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112. Well, let me tell you something.
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113. That is just
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114. wishful thinking.
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115. There's meningitis.
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116. There are car accidents.
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117. I could be giving
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118. you a spanking
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119. and accidentally snap
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120. your spinal cord.
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121. Every day is a lottery
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122. and first prize
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123. is that you don't have to scoot
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124. yourself around town on
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125. a skateboard with your hands.
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126. You think about that.
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127. I don't take my legs
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128. for granted, Mom.
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129. I know, honey,
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130. you're a good boy.
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131. Stop playing with yourself.
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132. Go on, just go.
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133. No, wait, wait, wait.
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134. Okay, okay, okay,
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135. I ran out of ham.
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136. One of you has
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137. to have egg salad, okay?
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138. And don't ditch
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139. your little brother.
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140. I don't want him
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141. getting kidnapped.
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142. Yeah, Mom, that
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143. would be terrible.
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144. It's your turn
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145. to walk with him.
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146. I walked him yesterday
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147. and the day before.
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148. I walked with him
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149. when he wet his pants.
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150. Okay.
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151. Mom said to hold hands.
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152. She did not say
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153. to hold hands, Dewey.
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154. I'm not holding hands.
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155. Come on, hold hands. Please?
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156. No! You're in
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157. the first grade.
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158. You're too big for that.
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159. Look, I'm walking
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160. right next to you.
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161. You'll be fine.
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162. Damn it! This is why
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163. everyone teases you.
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164. Hey, Malcolm.
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165. Hey, Richard.
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166. So my mom was telling
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167. my dad last night
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168. about your brother.
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169. She said he's in jail.
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170. He's not in jail.
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171. He's at Marlin Academy.
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172. It's, like, one of the
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173. best private schools
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174. in the country
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175. and it's totally unfair.
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176. Everyone acts like Francis
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177. is just this big troublemaker
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178. and he's not.
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179. Dad, I know
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180. what you're going to say
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181. and believe me,
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182. I totally agree with you.
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183. There is no excuse
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184. for what I did.
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185. It was idiotic, immature,
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186. totally reckless
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187. and I'm really sorry.
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188. I'm just...
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189. I'm hoping against hope
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190. that you will give me
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191. another chance, which, I admit
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192. I don't deserve
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193. but if you could just
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194. find it in your heart
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195. to forgive me
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196. I know I could earn
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197. your trust back.
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198. It's not like it
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199. was even our car.
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200. Spath, Spath, Spath!
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201. All right,
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202. Here's how it works.
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203. You can beg for mercy
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204. on your belly
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205. lick the bottom
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206. of my shoes
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207. or take a beating.
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208. You must pick at least two
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209. but... but-but,
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210. if you pick three
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211. you get a pass
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212. for the next two weeks.
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213. All right?
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214. Now, that's your best value.
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215. Dave Spath.
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216. He never gets sent anywhere.
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217. What do you do
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218. if he catches you?
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219. Roll in a ball.
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220. What if he starts
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221. kicking you?
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222. Stay in a ball.
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223. Okay. Come on.
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224. Wait.
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225. Never mind.
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226. Those of you finished
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227. with your tempera paints
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228. may bring your work up here
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229. and start on
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230. your charcoal still lifes.
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231. You may take
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232. two pieces of
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233. fruit only
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234. and please be careful with them.
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235. I bought them with my own money.
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236. My own money.
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237. God, Malcolm, that's so good.
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238. Oh, Malcolm,
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239. this is wonderful.
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240. The perspective
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241. is good.
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242. The composition is clean
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243. and it even shows signs
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244. of actual technique.
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245. I have to say
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246. this is the high
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247. point of my day.
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248. How's that for sad?
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249. Are you okay?
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250. Um, yeah, I'm fine.
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251. Malcolm.
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252. What?
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253. They need to see you
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254. in the office.
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255. Okay.
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256. I think they mean right now.
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257. Okay.
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258. Get up, Malcolm.
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259. Hi. I'm Caroline.
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260. Want to have a seat?
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261. Are you Malcolm?
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262. Yes, and I didn't
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263. do anything.
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264. You're not in trouble, Malcolm.
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265. You're here
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266. 'cause some of your teachers
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267. think you're, um...
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268. you know what?
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269. I just want to play
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270. some games with you.
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271. Okay? Puzzles,
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272. stuff like that.
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273. Why?
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274. Boy, oh, boy
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275. you are a suspicious
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276. little dickens, aren't you?
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277. Okay. Now, you can look
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278. at this picture for 60 seconds
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279. and I want you to tell me
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280. everything that's wrong
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281. with it, okay?
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282. The man only has
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283. four fingers.
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284. Right, but this time
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285. I want you to take your time
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286. and really look...
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287. The car shadow's
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288. going the wrong way,
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289. the steering wheel's
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290. on the wrong side,
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291. there's no
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292. brake pedal,
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293. the words in the mirror
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294. should be backwards,
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295. the guy's watch
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296. wouldn't say 12:00
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297. if he's looking at a sunset
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298. and I have red paint on my ass.
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299. That's right.
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300. Red paint all over my ass!
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301. (intro to
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302. "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" playing)
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303. These are good cookies.
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304. (breathy):
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305. Yeah... they're good.
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306. So what can you do?
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307. I mean,
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308. what do you want to do?
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309. I know... a joke.
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310. Yeah? Okay.
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311. A guy...
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312. goes into...
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313. a bar...
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314. and he...
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315. has a... frog
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316. on his...
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317. Frog on his head.
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318. And the... bartender...
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319. Wait, I screwed up.
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320. A frog...
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321. goes into... a bar.
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322. You want to watch TV?
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323. Can't. Not allowed.
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324. What? You mean, ever?
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325. Mom says...
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326. TV makes you...
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327. stupid.
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328. No, TV makes you normal.
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329. How can they do that?
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330. He's in a wheelchair.
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331. So what do you do
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332. all day, homework?
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333. Mostly... read... comics.
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334. You have comic books?
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335. Whoa!
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336. You really have
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337. Youngblood, number one?
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338. Want to... read it?
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339. No way. I'd wreck it.
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340. Oh... did you read
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341. the last Savage Dragon
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342. when they split him in two?
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343. Yeah. Brilliant.
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344. I like how he never has
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345. to learn a lesson or anything.
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346. He just gets to
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347. pound on everyone.
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348. You're under galactic arrest.
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349. Think again, space flatfoot.
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350. You cannot escape.
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351. Saturday morning
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352. is the only thing
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353. my family does better
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354. than anyone else.
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355. Damn!
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356. You boys,
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357. you keep this house clean
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358. till your dad comes home.
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359. Two of you can have
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360. slices of pizza for lunch.
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361. The other one can have...
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362. I don't know.
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363. I think they're peas.
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364. Somebody get that.
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365. Not it.
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366. Not it.
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367. Hello.
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368. Young master Malcolm.
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369. Francis, hi.
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370. Hey, man,
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371. I wrote you guys
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372. a really long letter yesterday,
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373. but, listen, they only gave me,
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374. like, three minutes,
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375. so would you put
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376. the special prosecutor on?
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377. Mom, it's Francis.
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378. Hey, Francis, how's school?
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379. Oh, couldn't be better, Mom.
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380. My new roommate showed me
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381. how to kill mice
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382. with a hammer yesterday,
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383. so, you know, between that
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384. and the general atmosphere
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385. of simmering homoeroticism,
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386. I think I'm really starting
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387. to turn around.
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388. Honey, it's only until summer.
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389. Come on, push it!
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390. Give it up,
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391. prom date.
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392. Yeah, listen, um...
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393. I know I shouldn't ask,
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394. but would you be able
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395. to send me my allowance,
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396. like, a couple weeks early
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397. 'cause I kind of need some...?
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398. Oh, my God! Are you smoking?
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399. What?
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400. I can hear you smoking.
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401. You're smoking, aren't you?
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402. Mom, I'm not smoking. Geez.
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403. After seeing the anguish
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404. your father and I
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405. went through to quit,
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406. didn't any of that
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407. register with you?
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408. Okay, listen.
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409. I'll talk to your dad.
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410. Maybe we can send you
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411. part of it.
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412. Honey, I have to go.
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413. I'm late for work.
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414. I'll call you later.
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415. Okay, thanks, Mom. I love you.
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416. Oh... I love you.
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417. Somebody get the door!
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418. I'm not getting it.
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419. You get it, butt-munch.
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420. Shut up.
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421. You shut up.
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422. No, you shut up!
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423. Make me!
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424. I'll make you right now!
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425. You'd better not be fighting
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426. in there, Reese, Malcolm.
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427. Not my face!
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428. I said you'd better not
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429. be fighting in...
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430. For crying out loud.
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431. Reese! Malcolm!
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432. Yes. Can I help you?
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433. Oh. My good... um, hi.
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434. Hel... hello. I'm...
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435. Are you...? I'm...
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436. Caroline Miller
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437. from Malcolm's school.
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438. I sent you some letters
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439. and left some messages
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440. on your answering machine.
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441. Okay, fine. You caught me.
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442. What do you want?
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443. Um... well, it's
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444. been three weeks
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445. and you haven't responded,
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446. and it's really important,
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447. I mean, well,
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448. for Malcolm's sake
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449. that the parents be
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450. as involved in...
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451. So, what, you're here to insult
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452. my parenting skills?
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453. No. I'm sure you're
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454. a terrific parent.
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455. I'm here because I think
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456. that there is a tremendous
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457. opportunity for...
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458. Could you, you know,
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459. maybe put a top on?
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460. They're just boobs, lady.
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461. You see them in a mirror
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462. every morning.
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463. And I'm sure yours
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464. are a lot nicer than mine.
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465. That's actually not...
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466. You know what?
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467. I'm gonna tell you
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468. something else.
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469. The reason I didn't respond
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470. is because it is
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471. a load of crap.
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472. What?
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473. You are not going
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474. to stick my Malcolm
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475. in some special ed class.
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476. What is it
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477. with you people?
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478. Why do you feel you have
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479. to label everybody?
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480. Malcolm may be a little strange,
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481. and, I know, I know,
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482. he never shuts up,
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483. but he is not disturbed.
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484. You know, he is a good boy...
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485. Please!
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486. You know what? You don't
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487. understand at all, okay?
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488. So if I could just
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489. come in for a minute,
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490. I could explain
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491. everything, okay?
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492. Ow! Ow! Ow!
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493. It's good, hon.
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494. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
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495. There's something
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496. we have to talk about.
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497. I thought we weren't going
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498. to mention Aunt Helen
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499. till after the biopsy.
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500. It's not that.
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501. It's about Malcolm.
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502. I didn't do it.
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503. Yes, he did.
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504. I saw him.
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505. A teacher
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506. from school came by
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507. and she ran
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508. some tests with Malcolm.
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509. He has an IQ of 165.
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510. Who?
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511. Malcolm. He's a genius.
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512. He's going
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513. to a special class.
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514. What?
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515. Malcolm's special?
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516. Where do you think
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517. that came from?
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518. They have a special program
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519. for gifted children.
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520. They have advanced textbooks
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521. and devoted teachers
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522. and all sorts of good things
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523. they don't want to waste
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524. on normal kids.
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525. You start on Monday.
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526. You're going to put him
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527. in the Krelboyne class?
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528. Mom, no! I don't want to!
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529. What are you talking about?
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530. Of course you want to.
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531. No. I want to stay
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532. in my own class.
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533. I don't want to be a Krelboyne.
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534. Mom, seriously, Krelboynes
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535. get their butts kicked.
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536. Just stop one minute.
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537. There's nothing wrong
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538. with being smart.
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539. And there's nothing wrong
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540. with being cut from the herd.
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541. It makes you the one buffalo
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542. that isn't there
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543. when the Indians run
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544. the rest of them off the cliff.
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545. Huh?
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546. Mom, this isn't fair!
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547. If I don't want to go,
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548. why do I have to?
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549. Because it's not
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550. just up to you.
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551. We have to do
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552. what's best for you.
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553. Mom, please!
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554. Don't make me go!
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555. Please!
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556. Malcolm, calm down.
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557. But it isn't fair!
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558. That's right.
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559. It isn't fair.
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560. It's the first time
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561. anyone in this family
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562. has ever been given an edge,
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563. and you are not
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564. going to waste it.
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565. Dad?
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566. Honey?
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567. Well... look, honey...
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568. Malcolm, you see...
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569. Oh, for crying out loud.
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570. How come there's never
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571. any iced tea in this pitcher?
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572. I make a fresh batch
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573. every morning;
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574. it's gone
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575. by the time I get home.
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576. I want a better family!
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577. Malcolm...
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578. Look at that.
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579. Gone.
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580. I don't want to go
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581. to a special class.
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582. People think I'm
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583. weird enough already.
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584. I know.
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585. I like where I am.
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586. I want to stay.
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587. Sweetie, life does
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588. not give you
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589. a lot of chances to move up,
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590. even if you deserve it.
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591. Look at your dad and me.
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592. Malcolm, I'm proud of you.
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593. You boys are so lucky.
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594. You have so many gifts
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595. that other kids don't have.
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596. And I just don't mean
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597. Stevie Kenarban, either.
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598. I mean, look at those
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599. Parker boys across the street.
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600. They may be healthy,
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601. but honest to God,
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602. those are the ugliest
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603. little boys ever born.
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604. They look like boiled beets,
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605. don't you think?
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606. And those Henderson kids?
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607. That electrocuted their dog
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608. when they were trying
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609. to get free cable.
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610. How smart can they be?
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611. Just remember,
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612. any kid who makes fun of you
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613. is a creepy little loser
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614. who'll end up working
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615. in a car wash.
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616. This shouldn't make me
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617. feel better, but it does.
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618. You'll be all right, sweetie.
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619. If you don't make
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620. a big deal out of this,
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621. nobody else will either.
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622. And I just can't say enough
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623. about how proud
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624. we should all be of Malcolm
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625. for getting into
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626. the gifted program.
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627. Now, Malcolm may not look
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628. different than the rest of us,
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629. but he is.
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630. Very different.
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631. In his brain.
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632. And I think we should
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633. recognize him for that.
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634. Bye.
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635. All righty,
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636. today we are starting
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637. a new section
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638. on the Peloponnesian War,
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639. which I know
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640. you are all going to love.
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641. Malcolm?
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642. Are you okay?
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643. Uh, yeah. Fine.
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644. All right.
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645. Excuse me.
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646. Stop staring at me!
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647. Why do they keep
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648. doing that?
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649. You're new.
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650. Oh, great.
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651. So I'm the freak
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652. of the freak show?
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653. Just... chill out.
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654. Don't tell me
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655. to chill out.
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656. You chill out.
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657. Nobody can live
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658. like this.
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659. I'm okay.
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660. Oh, sure.
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661. You're okay because it doesn't
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662. make any difference to you.
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663. You've always been a freak.
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664. I used to be normal.
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665. Wait. Who just
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666. said that?
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667. You're going to take that
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668. the wrong way, aren't you?
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669. You...
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670. suck.
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671. It's so cool!
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672. Around here, being smart is
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673. exactly like being radioactive.
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674. I can't believe I'm doing this.
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675. Stevie?
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676. What?
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677. Look,
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678. I...
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679. Score!
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680. Hey, Spath!
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681. Why don't you stop
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682. being such a butt-wipe?
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683. Ooh.
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684. What'd you call me?
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685. You heard me!
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686. I don't care anymore!
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687. I just don't care,
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688. Spath, okay?
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689. Alls you ever do is make
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690. everybody miserable!
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691. Except for your little
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692. monkey-slaves over there.
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693. Who, by the way,
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694. only pretend to like you.
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695. They hate you as much
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696. as everyone else does!
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697. And you're just too busy
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698. being mean and stupid
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699. to ever figure it out!
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700. I keep trying to run,
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701. but my legs won't work.
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702. Mom was right,
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703. they are important.
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704. Wow.
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705. I don't know about you,
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706. but the Krelboyne
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707. really hurt my feelings.
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708. Hey...
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709. Go away, Stevie.
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710. It's good you
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711. two are friends.
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712. He won't mind sharing
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713. his wheelchair.
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714. Okay, this is where something
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715. good happens, finally.
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716. So we're going to slow down
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717. and make it last
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718. as long as possible.
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719. Dude, you hit a cripple.
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720. I didn't mean to...
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721. I wasn't trying...
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722. Stevie, I'm sorry!
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723. Ow...
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724. Aah...
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725. Ow!
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726. What's your problem?
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727. I mean, he's in a wheelchair
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728. and he has glasses.
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729. Do you know how
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730. bad that looks?
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731. What's your problem?
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732. So then, the principal comes out
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733. and everyone's all
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734. talking at once.
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735. So the story he puts together
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736. is that Spath attacks Stevie
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737. for his lunch,
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738. and I'm like this hero
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739. that stepped in to defend him.
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740. It was beautiful.
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741. Okay, it wasn't funny
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742. when Spath started crying.
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743. No, wait, it was.
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744. Dad's hair... ugh.
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745. Yeah, I know. It's gross.
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746. But, hey, if a bunch of birds
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747. can make the best
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748. out of what they get,
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749. then so can I.
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750. Malcolm?
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751. Like having to
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752. go to special
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753. class.
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754. I can make it
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755. work out,
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756. right?
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757. Malcolm?
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758. Not now!
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759. Or my
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760. family.
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761. We're not
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762. the greatest
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763. family in
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764. the world,
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765. but we can get
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766. better.
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767. I mean, it's
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768. not
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769. impossible.
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770. Malcolm?
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771. What?
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772. Can I get out?
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773. No! Stop asking!
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774. So, basically, I
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775. think
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776. everything's
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777. going to be okay.
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778. A bug went up my nose.
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779. So what do
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780. you want me
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781. to do about
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782. it?
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