Maid 1x6

1. How you doing, baby?

2. No, not you.

3. You. The bow-legged one.

4. Shoop.

5. Okay.

6. Good.

7. Now, big breath in...

8. and out.

9. Nice.

10. Okay, let's start coming back.

11. And... we're coming back to ourselves now.

12. Alex.

13. How did that go?

14. Did you get there?

15. So that's a simple five-minute meditation you can do

16. when you're feeling overwhelmed.

17. Or having a panic attack.

18. Let your mind take you back to that memory,

19. that place where you felt good.

20. And breathe into it.

21. Okay.

22. Who would like to share?

23. Alex?

24. I'm Alex.

25. And...

26. I'm here because I need therapy.

27. And what brings you to group today?

28. I'm just—

29. I'm trying to...

30. figure out some stuff...

31. with my family right now, and...

32. piece together how I got here.

33. Where is here?

34. I don't know. Uh...

35. Um...

36. I grew up here. Uh...

37. So I see myself everywhere.

38. You know, I, uh...

39. I worked in that restaurant, and that bakery.

40. I went to that high school. I skateboarded in that parking lot.

41. Or I tried to.

42. Now...

43. Now I am 25 years old, and...

44. I'm living with my mother and my kid

45. in an RV, uh...

46. cleaning toilets full-time.

47. Pretty sexy stuff.

48. Um...

49. I almost left once. I got into college.

50. I got a scholarship, so...

51. I went to their orientation weekend and everything, and, uh...

52. I got to kayak in their river and...

53. hike the M.

54. There's this big M

55. above the campus in Missoula, on the side of the mountain.

56. Yeah. Uh...

57. I guess I'm just...

58. I'm not sure what happened to me.

59. Still 42 on the list.

60. No movement at all?

61. Why the fuck does this county offer Section 8

62. if it's a mythical unicorn that nobody gets?

63. Yeah, well, wait-lists are longer than usual right now.

64. There's unprecedented homeless numbers.

65. We need somewhere to live.

66. We were lucky to get you into that last apartment.

67. I'm on seven types of government assistance

68. and I'm working the maximum I can without getting my benefits cut.

69. But after food and gas and daycare co-pay,

70. we have a total of nine dollars extra every week.

71. That's a box of tampons.

72. How am I ever supposed to afford rent, even subsidized rent,

73. with nine dollars extra every week.

74. How is this assistance assisting me?

75. I can't keep living with my mother.

76. It's opening your heart chakras. Beating.

77. Mom, please.

78. It's 4 in the morning.

79. Uh...

80. What about Home TBRA?

81. Yeah. Uh... If we can get you a PJ.

82. A Participating Jurisdiction.

83. Okay, how do I do that?

84. Okay, so we need to find you a landlord

85. who's willing to accept the TBRA vouchers to subsidize the portion of the rent

86. you can't afford.

87. But they've got to be willing to jump through hoops.

88. And since Maddy is under 6, that makes it even harder.

89. It needs to be inspected first to make sure it's up to code,

90. and no landlord wants to do that.

91. Plus, it cannot be less than 80% of the published

92. Section 8 existing housing fair-market rent.

93. We're gonna un-enroll you from Section 8 because you can't be getting Home TBRA

94. if you're already getting TBRA with your Section 8.

95. Oh, my God, what is happening?

96. It's annoying, that's what I'm saying.

97. A lot of work for a landlord when you could just get full rent

98. from Tom, Dick or Sally.

99. So Home TBRA is a unicorn too?

100. No.

101. Home TBRA is real, and it's a good program,

102. you just have to convince a landlord to participate.

103. Turn on the charm, Alex.

104. So, uh...

105. you guys need first and last, or is there a little wiggle room?

106. You know, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.

107. You have such kind eyes.

108. You trying to get me to take a TBRA voucher?

109. Can I walk you through the TBRA guidelines?

110. It's very flexible.

111. It's not Monopoly money, ma'am. It's rent assistance.

112. I do have a job, I would be paying 70%.

113. Help a broke bitch out.

114. Hi, picking up Maddy Boyd.

115. Drew, can you grab Maddy?

116. One sec.

117. Rose!

118. Coming!

119. Okay, here— Here we go.

120. That's not my kid.

121. Really, you're sure?

122. I'm sure, this is Harper, and I'm here for Maddy Boyd.

123. Where's Rose?

124. Oh, she quit. We think, yeah.

125. Went off for cigarettes and didn't come back.

126. I'll get the right kid, hang on.

127. You're kidding me.

128. They couldn't find her for 20 minutes,

129. she was asleep in a toy closet.

130. I don't know what's worse, losing my kid or trying to give me somebody else's.

131. Uh, losing your kid. Definitely.

132. I'm pretty sure that's a felony.

133. I'm faster.

134. No, I'm faster.

135. You okay?

136. Yeah, I'm okay. She's okay, so I'm okay.

137. - She seems okay to you, right? - Yeah, totally.

138. I can't ever bring her back to that shitty daycare ever again.

139. I'm faster than you.

140. Well, what about Sean?

141. Is, uh... Is he any help?

142. You've met Sean before, haven't you?

143. Yeah. Yeah, yep.

144. So...

145. I guess that's it with you guys? Case closed?

146. Case super closed.

147. Yeah, but it's hard. When you have a kid...

148. I mean, Karina and I kept trying to fix things for Brady.

149. I fixed things by leaving.

150. Maddy, wait up.

151. I could, like, talk to Brady's pre-school

152. and just see if they have an extra spot open for Maddy.

153. - Oh, that's all right, thank you, though. - No, honestly. They are great.

154. They do ceramics with the kids, and...

155. uh, they grow herbs, and other pretentious things.

156. Sounds awesome.

157. No, that sounds awesome, but I, uh—

158. I get my government grant to supplement my daycare payments.

159. And it's an intense pain in the ass,

160. so really just the most garbage daycares want to deal with that.

161. Yeah.

162. I'll still talk to the owner of our place, explain the situation.

163. She's a sweet old hippie, you know.

164. - Thanks. - Yeah.

165. Look at us. You know, we're finally on a playdate with our toddlers.

166. Well, it was getting kind of weird how many times you asked.

167. Oh.

168. - Ready to see your daddy? - Yes!

169. We're meeting him at this diner, which is wildly inconvenient for Mommy.

170. But Mommy is so accommodating and flexible, don't you think so, Mad?

171. Yep.

172. Hey, how old are you about to be? Sixteen?

173. No. Three.

174. - Twenty-two? - No. Three.

175. - Nine years old? You're turning 9. - No!

176. - Three. - You're turning 3?

177. Oh, my God!

178. There you go.

179. Maddy!

180. Hey!

181. Mad-dog, hi.

182. - Look who's here. How are you, buddy?

183. Got a high-five for Grandpa?

184. I got this. Stay safe.

185. You look tired, Alexandra.

186. What are you doing with Sean?

187. We go to the same meeting.

188. Sometimes we get pie afterwards.

189. Sometimes? So this is a regular thing.

190. Look, he's just going through a tough time right now.

191. And the program's all about service, just lending a hand.

192. I wish you'd let me help you.

193. Heard you and Maddy are staying in a van, with your mom and her sketchy boyfriend.

194. He's her husband now, actually.

195. Yeah.

196. That sounds about right. Bye.

197. What was my dad saying to you?

198. Nice to see you too.

199. I don't like you having pie with my dad.

200. Well, sometimes we mix it up, you know.

201. We get Jell-O, pudding.

202. The occasional breakfast pastry. Hmm?

203. Will you relax?

204. All right.

205. - He was just checking on me. - Why?

206. Part of getting sober is talking about why you drink.

207. - And that's me? - No, Alex.

208. Not everything in my life is about you.

209. I happen to be figuring out some stuff with my family right now.

210. What stuff?

211. Fucked-up stuff that I didn't remember until just now.

212. AA just shakes it all loose.

213. Tell me.

214. Okay.

215. Like, um...

216. I'd used Narcan on my mom before I was 12.

217. That my step-dad beat me with a tire iron.

218. That I dropped out of high school and got a job

219. because my brother was legitimately starving.

220. That, um... I've been a drunk since I was nine.

221. Nine?

222. I'm being honest.

223. Wow.

224. Yeah.

225. Well, Hank says it's a breakthrough.

226. My dad is not the authority on reality.

227. Okay.

228. Whoa!

229. Come on, Mad-dog, let's get out of here.

230. What?

231. I just shared something with you.

232. Where am I dropping her tomorrow?

233. Are you still at your mom's?

234. Yeah, I'm looking at new places today.

235. Hey, I'm sorry.

236. I fucked up in there.

237. What you're going through is really tough, and I get it.

238. I should have said that you're doing great, because you are.

239. - You're doing great. - Thanks.

240. Must be a small part of you that's, like, "Fuck you, motherfucker.

241. For not getting sober sooner."

242. You're sober now, and it's really great for Maddy.

243. Would have been great for us, though, you know.

244. Just wish I'd done it sooner.

245. Me too.

246. See you Saturday.

247. Let me ask you a question. Are you familiar with Home TBRA?

248. TBRA, can I—?

249. I'm super nice. Please help me.

250. Am I poor? Yes. Do I do drugs?

251. No.

252. I said pass me a wrench, not manhandle me.

253. I can't help it, babe. You've got your hands underneath my hood.

254. Ah, look who's here.

255. - Hey, guys. Ah, shit.

256. Yeah.

257. - Oh, fuck. - Hey.

258. - Did you get an apartment? - Not yet.

259. But I have some really solid leads.

260. Leads? Oh, that's great. You should get back out there.

261. - Just pound that pavement. - What's going on with your car?

262. Fucked if I know.

263. Ran some errands and it— The engine just backfired on me.

264. Yeah, I think the old carbie is out of whack.

265. The carbie?

266. Yeah, the, uh, carburetor.

267. I think that's the radiator.

268. Oh, come on, you two.

269. It's a godsend that the car broke down,

270. because time spent in town running errands is time away from my husband,

271. my smoking-hot husband.

272. Hey, um...

273. Uh, uh...

274. Listen, honey, we've kind of got something going on here, you know?

275. I have to dry these for work.

276. Look, babe, it's honeymoon time.

277. And every second of these first few weeks

278. are essential to a sexually positive marriage.

279. I've got you and a kid around here.

280. You know, sometimes I just need this to be a fuckpad.

281. Hi. Melody.

282. - Alex, nice to meet you. - You too, come on in.

283. Thanks.

284. It's a perfect time to tour the place. The kids are at the farm,

285. at our sister site, meeting a new litter of puppies.

286. You have a sister site?

287. Well, two, actually.

288. One at the farm, and one in residence at the Seattle Aquarium.

289. And over here, this is our gallery.

290. Every student has their own space to display whatever it is they're working on.

291. This could be Maddy's.

292. You know, we put their art on display as a reminder

293. that their interests are important in this world.

294. You know, that she is important.

295. So, what do you think?

296. I, um...

297. I think that Maddy would absolutely pee herself to come here.

298. - But I'm— - Nate told me.

299. You have a WCCC grant, right?

300. Well, we accept WCCC on occasion.

301. Wow, you do?

302. But it only covers half of our tuition, unfortunately.

303. So how much can you cover for a co-pay?

304. Or we have a needs-based scholarship that we could explore.

305. To cover the rest?

306. You are a resident of Fisher Island, right?

307. Oh, uh, no.

308. Hmm.

309. Is— Is it a deal breaker?

310. Not living in Fisher Island?

311. Well, you have to have proof of residency of this township to receive aid, yeah.

312. Right. Um...

313. I am actually in the process of moving, right now.

314. Could I have a few days to see if there's any way I could get a...

315. a rental here?

316. We can hold her spot for 72 hours.

317. I love it, Gail.

318. I'll take it.

319. Uh, you accept TBRA, right?

320. Do you know anybody on Fisher Island that takes TBRA?

321. That bunk's yours. I call topsies.

322. Oh, no, it's not welfare, ma'am, it's TBRA.

323. Tenant-Based Rental— Just because I'm poor doesn't—

324. Can I just—?

325. Value Maids!

326. Regina.

327. Sorry, I didn't think you were here.

328. You can skip this room this week, thanks.

329. Okay.

330. How are you?

331. I see you decided not to sell the house.

332. What?

333. There isn't a "For Sale" sign in the yard anymore.

334. No, no, I'm— I'm getting the house as part of the, uh...

335. So I'm staying.

336. The Realtors took all the nursery—

337. All the nursery staging back, so now I have to stage it for real.

338. Irony.

339. Well, looks like it's gonna be a beautiful crib.

340. It was supposed to arrive assembled,

341. but I missed the stupid delivery concierge people by five minutes,

342. so they left it on my steps, like a goddamned pizza.

343. - Can I help you? - No.

344. I think you might be using a screw as a nail.

345. I said no.

346. Thank you.

347. Yeah, no, I'll get back to cleaning.

348. This is so stupid!

349. You stupid fucking piece of shit!

350. Fuck you! You fucking ballsack, motherfucker!

351. What the—? What the—? What does this even say?

352. The whole thing is written in goddamned Swedish Chef!

353. Am I supposed to climb into the crib to adjust the spokes?

354. Damn it!

355. I think you need a drill.

356. I think the concierge guys need to come back.

357. I can do this in five minutes if I have a screw gun.

358. Do you have a screw gun?

359. Did what's-his-face have a man cave?

360. Took most of the tools.

361. Tool.

362. Got this, though.

363. Rosie the Riveter over there.

364. Can I ask you something?

365. Of course.

366. What the hell is this?

367. I got it at my baby shower at the firm.

368. What is it? Like a tiny hat?

369. - Uh...

370. I think— I think that's a pee-pee teepee.

371. It goes on the little boy's pee-pee while you change him

372. so that he doesn't spray pee on you.

373. - My son is gonna piss on me? - Yes.

374. And so much worse.

375. When did you transition your daughter to her crib?

376. Nine months?

377. Uh, no. She's always slept with me.

378. Interesting. So you did the co-sleeping method.

379. Did you do a side sleeper or a swivel bassinet?

380. Swivel, I think.

381. Yeah.

382. Yeah.

383. I don't know what I'm gonna do about the sleeping-method stuff yet.

384. The firm says I can take all my unused vacation days,

385. but even with that it's only...

386. I don't know, we have 16 weeks.

387. My friends say I'm gonna have to get a live-in nanny, but I don't know.

388. I don't know.

389. You're hiring a live-in nanny?

390. Yeah. Why?

391. You know someone who might be interested in a nanny gig?

392. Yes, me. I'd be very interested.

393. You?

394. Absolutely, yes. I'm great with babies.

395. Have you nannied professionally?

396. Regina, I'm a mom.

397. It's all I do.

398. I would do it for free if I could just live here,

399. because Maddy got into Island Friends for preschool.

400. But I have to live in Fisher Island in order to qualify for financial aid,

401. and so it would be a win-win for both of us.

402. I see.

403. But I'm just throwing that out there.

404. It's a good idea.

405. It's a good idea, but, um—

406. Yeah, I am down the road with an au pair service,

407. and I already made a deposit, so...

408. sorry.

409. No sweat.

410. I'll keep an ear out, though, and if I can help, I will.

411. Thanks.

412. If you really wanted to help,

413. you could let me use your address on the form?

414. That's mail fraud, are you asking me to commit mail fraud?

415. No, I wouldn't even mail it in, I would just hand it to Melody.

416. I think the address on the form is a technicality.

417. Not a technicality. I could be disbarred for mail fraud.

418. Sorry.

419. Why don't you go back to cleaning now?

420. And I'll finish this.

421. Big breath in.

422. And out.

423. - Filter's gross. I need to switch it out. - You know where they are.

424. You coming from Campbell or Tennet?

425. Campbell. I did Tennet this morning.

426. - They leave a check for me? - No. They said they'd Venmo you.

427. I hate Venmo.

428. People forget to do it.

429. Then I've got to invoice and follow up, it's a whole fucking thing.

430. Did Regina whip your ass today?

431. A little.

432. You're the longest she's ever kept one of my maids on,

433. so you must be doing something right.

434. Wouldn't know it. The woman gives me fucking whiplash.

435. Sometimes I'm her friend, sometimes I'm dog shit.

436. No, you're always dog shit.

437. Thanks, Yolanda.

438. You're never friends with a client.

439. She told me her whole life's story on Thanksgiving.

440. She weren't talking to you.

441. Even if a client's looking at you, saying words to your face,

442. they're still talking to themselves.

443. You don't exist.

444. I do, though.

445. If you dropped dead and I sent another girl, she wouldn't even notice.

446. Hey, don't take this personal, honey.

447. I've been cleaning some of these houses for ten years,

448. and I still get called Selena, Gordita or whatever, I don't care.

449. I'm just a burrito they call when their bathroom starts smelling bad.

450. Are you fucking kidding me? There's only three ravioli in here.

451. Sorry about all the leaves.

452. I didn't get a chance to winterize the garden.

453. You know, you are our very first viewing.

454. I don't think our post was up five minutes.

455. Well, you know what they say, early bird gets the studio.

456. I'm really eager to relocate to this area

457. because my daughter got into Island Friends.

458. Oh, that's fabulous. Our son went there.

459. How old's your son?

460. He's 22, just moved to Brooklyn.

461. My wife travels for work, so it's just me and my computer.

462. - I'm a web curator. Come on in. - Nice.

463. Don't worry about your shoes.

464. I'll just get the lights.

465. Yeah.

466. Go ahead.

467. So it would just be you and your daughter? No pets, right?

468. Yeah, no, just the two of us.

469. I recently became a single mom, so...

470. Heroes, every single one of you.

471. That furniture we could take it out, or I could leave it in, whatever you want.

472. Either way, this is, uh...

473. It's perfect, Vivian.

474. Yeah, I'll take it.

475. Great.

476. You accept TBRA vouchers, right?

477. Oh, you poor thing.

478. - You have to navigate that program. - You know about TBRA?

479. Yeah, I do some volunteer work at a homeless shelter downtown,

480. and I have heard how broken the system is.

481. Yeah, yeah.

482. It's like having a full-time job on top of my actual full-time job.

483. Oh, honey, I can't even imagine.

484. But I can't take TBRA vouchers.

485. We're not zoned for an apartment back here,

486. so we actually have to keep this... under the table.

487. Don't tell Uncle Sam.

488. I can knock... maybe 100 off the security deposit?

489. Um...

490. What about a barter?

491. I could clean for half and pay half.

492. I'm a professional maid.

493. You know, we already have Marta, and she is like family to us.

494. So, yeah.

495. I heard you say that you're behind in winterizing your garden,

496. and I'm also an experienced landscaper.

497. I really want my daughter to live here.

498. Please?

499. I can make your yard look like Versailles by spring.

500. You just wait.

501. Well, I do hate yard work.

502. Deal.

503. Wait. Don't forget the wishing well.

504. Uh, no. Maddy already cut herself twice on that.

505. This isn't about you.

506. This is between me and my granddaughter.

507. We made this piece of art together, and she named it the wishing well

508. and made a wish on it that only me and the fairies know

509. because she's a genius little love-child person.

510. I want you to put it underneath her bed,

511. so when she calls out for me, I want you to tell her that I am here,

512. that I am in nature.

513. In our ancestry, in the ferocious lineage of warrior women

514. that have banged on the drum of life as a collective.

515. Okay.

516. She's going to miss me so much.

517. She's going to be okay. I'll see you Saturday.

518. What's Saturday?

519. Maddy's birthday?

520. Oh, right.

521. I'm going to paint the shit out of those kids' faces.

522. Great.

523. Hey, Basil!

524. Thanks for having us.

525. He's just napping.

526. No, he's not.

527. Did you ask him why there's a "For Rent" sign

528. in your yard and his phone number is on it?

529. I did. He said you made it up.

530. I sure didn't. I have a photo.

531. Look, do me a favor, honey.

532. Next time, take a picture of the leaves or a chicken pot pie.

533. Anything else.

534. But congratulations on your new pad, babe.

535. You willed that into existence

536. by harnessing your feral warfare ancestry blood.

537. Yeah, that's right, baby.

538. I'm so proud of you. You're going to love that place.

539. - I'm going to look for pine cones. You're looking for pine cones.

540. - One. - Thank you for your help, my little Mad.

541. Two. And...

542. Yes!

543. I can still carry.

544. - Ten. - What?

545. Good job, girl.

546. Hey, Maddy. Come here. Be super nice to this lady, okay?

547. - Hi! Sasha's back.

548. - She's back. - Alex.

549. I'm Alex. It's so nice to meet you.

550. Hi. - And this is Maddy.

551. Hi, Maddy.

552. I feel like I already know you, because you and Viv were such fast friends

553. before I even knew we had a renter.

554. Yeah. Thank you so much for making this arrangement with us.

555. We really love it here.

556. Look at these rhododendrons.

557. These bushes have never looked so good.

558. They just needed a good trim.

559. Don't do it. - Do what?

560. Don't make the bush trimming joke.

561. I wasn't going to. Yes, you were.

562. Did you guys want a fun pattern or something?

563. I could work on making that into a lightning bolt if you'd prefer.

564. So you don't have to make the joke, because I did.

565. See what I mean now? She's great.

566. - Totally. - Right?

567. Hey, Maddy.

568. Maddy. How old are you, Maddy?

569. I think we've got a 2 under there.

570. - A 2 that's about to be 3 on Saturday. Three?

571. No. You having a party?

572. We're doing a family get-together at the park.

573. You don't want to do it here? Under the gazebo?

574. We love the park.

575. It's no problem at all. We'd love to have it.

576. You can get the bonfire going when it gets cold.

577. We got the best view in town.

578. You guys are being super generous already, so I don't want to take advantage of this.

579. - Alex, we do nothing here. - Nothing.

580. Please, make use of the space.

581. Right? You're absolving us of our guilt, anyway.

582. If you're certain,

583. I mean, that'd be amazing.

584. But it's going to be ten people. Is that too many?

585. - Great, perfect. - That's fine.

586. - You wanna blow some balloons? - Yes.

587. Hey! Happy birthday, Maddy!

588. Hey, guys!

589. - How's it going? - Good.

590. Brady, you remember Maddy and Maddy's mommy, right?

591. Hi, honey. What do you have here?

592. - Dinosaur. - What kind of dinosaur?

593. - Velociraptor. - What?

594. - Velociraptor. - That's a velociraptor?

595. That's amazing.

596. Hey, Maddy.

597. Happy birthday. Look what I got for you.

598. - Can you say thank you? - Full of popcorn, can't say thank you.

599. The thing about this present is we've got to open it soon because...

600. - Whoa, whoa! What's in there?

601. It's— My dad used to always... do that.

602. It's not an animal.

603. - It's not? - It's not. It's, um...

604. mermaid bath toys. I hope she doesn't have them.

605. - She does not. Good.

606. Great. Well, then, here.

607. - Thank you so much. - Yeah.

608. She'll love that.

609. And this one, remember, Brady?

610. - Remember we got these... Hats!

611. Mermaid birthday hats!

612. - Should I put one on Mommy? Yes.

613. - Yes, please. - Okay, here we go.

614. - Here. - Thank you.

615. - Thank you very much. - Hold on one second. All right.

616. And how about me?

617. - That is a good look. There you go. - Good for you? Yeah?

618. - Really good. Super strong look. - With the beard? Well...

619. - Stop it, please. - Yeah.

620. Uh, Maddy, do you want to play Brady's favorite game?

621. It's Dinosaur, where you guys chase me because you're dinosaurs.

622. Yes!

623. Let's go! Come on!

624. Get him!

625. Where am I going? Hey!

626. Where do I—? I don't know where to go!

627. Which way is it? Is it this way? Yeah.

628. - No!

629. I can't get away!

630. Are you kidding me? I'm sitting at a table, waiting for Sean.

631. Go, Brady.

632. Yeah. Cool.

633. That's so cool.

634. Can I get you some more juice?

635. Drink your juice and be quiet.

636. Juice?

637. Where the fuck is Sean?

638. Uh, I don't know, I said 1:00.

639. - So 2:00 at the earliest. - Thanks.

640. Can you scratch my neck, please?

641. Right there.

642. What's been going on with you guys? It's been forever.

643. Not much, just chilling. And?

644. We got engaged, dick.

645. That too.

646. What? Congratulations, that's— How did I miss that?

647. We didn't post it on social media.

648. I think it's tacky, the whole ring shot.

649. I'll do it live, for sure.

650. - Very pretty. - Yeah.

651. He did a good job.

652. It hurt too. I'm gonna be paying that off for years.

653. Aww. But it was worth it.

654. There he is.

655. Hey, birthday girl.

656. - Happy birthday. - Hi.

657. Whoa!

658. That's the girl from The Swan?

659. Frankie? Yeah.

660. She's a server.

661. Sean brought a date to Maddy's birthday?

662. I don't know, Alex.

663. I gotta stay out of whatever this is with you and Sean.

664. You know what this is with me and Sean.

665. You told me your version, okay, and he has his.

666. I'm Switzerland.

667. No, you're not. I see you guys hanging out all the time.

668. - You post it on Instagram. - Yeah.

669. Sean's been Ethan's best friend since second grade, Alex.

670. - Okay. - I don't...

671. - Hi, how are you? Who's behind there? It's Maddy.

672. You look amazing.

673. Hey!

674. - Hey. - You okay?

675. Yeah, no. I was just texting my mom. I don't know where the fuck she is.

676. No, don't worry about it. We're having a lot of fun, so...

677. Thank you.

678. I was really counting on an hour of face-painting entertainment, but...

679. Don't worry about it. They're, uh—

680. They're plenty entertained.

681. - So come join us. - Thanks to you.

682. Well, whatever.

683. I'll clean this up a bit.

684. Who's making more bubbles than me? - I got more bubbles.

685. You got more bubbles? Look, there's more juice over there.

686. - Is he your new boyfriend? - No.

687. I would never bring a date to my child's birthday.

688. I know him. Right?

689. He's that herb that used to bus tables at The Neptune.

690. All right. He is an engineer now, and he's my friend.

691. He's not your friend.

692. Yes, he is.

693. He wanted to fuck you then and now.

694. Look at you blush.

695. You have no right to bring your 9-year-old girlfriend

696. - without talking to me about it first. - She's 20.

697. It's important who our daughter is around,

698. and these are the things I expect to have conversations with you about.

699. - I don't remember you asking me about him. - He's not my boyfriend.

700. - Hey, Mom. - He wants to be.

701. I know, I'm late.

702. I missed the ferry.

703. But Grammy's here now for the birthday girl.

704. Oh, my God, can you believe she's 3, Sean-y?

705. Oh, shit, man, you're just adorable.

706. - Hey, Paula, come here. - Look at this.

707. - You got some pomade going on. - Yeah.

708. Whoo!

709. Okay. Where's the wine?

710. I need some wine.

711. Did you bring the face paint?

712. Can I just have a minute to catch my breath before I clock in?

713. There's only 20 minutes left, and it was your idea.

714. I'm sorry. Basil and I got in a fight, and he took off.

715. What do you mean, Basil took off?

716. Honey, don't you have any wine? What kind of a party doesn't have wine?

717. A child's birthday in the afternoon, thrown by food stamps.

718. - So, what happened? - I don't know.

719. Whatever happened is your fault

720. because you planted those ideas in my head about him renting my house.

721. He said he couldn't even look at me

722. if I thought he was capable of doing something like that.

723. Then, my God, he just—

724. He shoved me out of the RV and drove off the lot with all my stuff.

725. That RV is your home.

726. So you're homeless now?

727. No, no, he's just blowing off some steam.

728. He'll be back in a few days.

729. Oh, God.

730. - Sean-y, baby. Yeah?

731. I need booze.

732. He's sober, Mom.

733. Well, he's a bartender.

734. He still knows how to get someone booze, right?

735. Why don't I invite my girls over? They can bring us whatever we want.

736. - No. Don't do that. - Good idea.

737. - Yeah, Chardonnay. Chardonnay. - I'm on it.

738. Wow.

739. She's pretty.

740. Not that. That one's white. Look at this.

741. Hey, Alex, what's the address here? My weed guy's coming over.

742. Oh, hey, hey, no, no, no.

743. No, you can't have your weed guy come to my child's birthday.

744. - We should probably head out, anyway. - Yep. That's a good call.

745. Don't be such a grandpa.

746. Alex, what do you think the chances are we can get these kids' faces painted?

747. Face paint!

748. Hey, Mom, what do you say about some face paint?

749. - But let's all be more quiet about this. - All right, just line up one at a time.

750. Here we go. Salut!

751. Shh. Can we do some inside voices?

752. Happy birthday.

753. Did you think of your wish?

754. All right.

755. Ready?

756. One, two, three.

757. Yeah! - Yeah! Happy birthday!

758. Okay, Maddy.

759. You could have blown out ten candles with that one.

760. Happy birthday, baby girl.

761. - Can I help you with this cleanup? - I got it. I got it.

762. - Thank you, though. - Okay.

763. I've got Brady konked out in the car seat and I've got to get him home,

764. but this was a great party.

765. Was it?

766. No, it was. It absolutely was.

767. And thank you for inviting us.

768. - Thanks for coming. - Yeah. And, uh...

769. I was wondering if I could call you tomorrow, if that's not like too...?

770. - Yeah. - Yeah? Okay.

771. Okay. Thanks for coming.

772. Cool. Then I'll take off, yeah.

773. Happy birthday, Maddy. Nice to see you both. Take care.

774. Oh, okay.

775. Okay, everybody, party's over.

776. - What? No. - No. Come on!

777. The party's very over. You all need to go home now.

778. It's okay. Sean will build us a real fire on the beach, won't he?

779. - Happy birthday, Mad-dog. Let's go.

780. I'm going to head on in. I've got to put the birthday girl to bed.

781. Hey. You girls are gonna change the world.

782. - Take what's yours. Time's up, okay? - Whoo!

783. Whoo!

784. Guys, I know a great spot down here.

785. Come on, Sean!

786. Mommy.

787. Yes, sweetheart?

788. It was the best day ever.

789. Alex!

790. - Hey. Sean. - Hmm?

791. - Get up. - What?

792. - What? What? - Get up.

793. - You're in my landlords' house. Get up. - Alex. Hey.

794. - Get up. Put your clothes on. - What? Who are they?

795. My landlords. Put your fucking pants on.

796. Oh, shit. Okay.

797. I'll pay for everything. I'll take care of this. I will replace—

798. I will replace your vase, I promise you. I'm so sorry. I will clean this up.

799. - Frankie... - No. Put your pants on.

800. she left me on the beach.

801. I don't give a shit about Frankie. Put your pants on.

802. - She was pissed I wouldn't fuck her. - I don't care. Put your pants on.

803. - No. Put your pants on. Not the time. - She kept putting her hand down my pants.

804. Outside!

805. She kept saying, "What's wrong?"

806. She kept asking me, "What's wrong?"

807. - What's wrong? - Don't touch me. Get off of me.

808. - What's wrong with my dick... is you. Shut up and go outside!

809. - It's— - Fucking go outside!

810. I have nothing to say other than I'm really sorry.

811. I—

812. Um, I promise you that I'll pay for all that.

813. I'm going to replace your vase, and I will clean that up.

814. Um...

815. Thank you for letting me stay here, and thank you for letting me— I—

816. Please don't kick me out. I promise this won't ever happen again.

817. Best behavior, okay?

818. - Hey. Look at this crew. Hi.

819. I love it, please, come in.

820. Don't mind if I do.

821. Uh— I'll go get your stuff.

822. - Oh, I'll get it, don't worry about it. - No, allow me.