Maid 1x1

1. - Mommy, I'm sleepy. - Shh, shh.

2. Shh, shh. Let's go.

3. Daddy.

4. "Shoop."

5. We're gonna do "Shoop" later.

6. - "Shoop." - Shh, shh.

7. What are you doing?

8. - Hey, what are you doing?

9. Hey, wait!

10. Ten on 2, please.

11. Leave a message or don't, you do you.

12. Leave a message or don't, you do you.

13. I'm gonna find us some place to sleep. I'll be right back.

14. - Alex? - Thank God you're here.

15. I'm sorry to barge in like this. I called you, you didn't pick up.

16. - I didn't know where else to go. - What's wrong? Are you okay?

17. It's not Maddy, is it?

18. No, Maddy and I just need a place to crash for tonight.

19. Can I crash here until I figure out what I'm doing?

20. God, of course. Get in here.

21. - Are the guys from the Swan here? - Yeah.

22. Thought I heard your voice. Come inside. We got some sick dank from Humboldt.

23. - [man 1] Gotta get it. - [man 2] Do it.

24. - Yeah. - All right. Pass it. Chill.

25. Hey.

26. - Next time. - Come on. He's already on his way over.

27. He knows he drank too much. Hear him out. He wants to talk.

28. - Don't be a bitch. - Ethan!

29. - Sorry— - I'm good. I'm all right.

30. It's okay.

31. - Do you have some place to go? - I'm good.

32. "Shoop."

33. - Mm-mm.

34. "Shoop" is asleep, Maddy.

35. "Shoop."

36. Can you try to close your eyes?

37. "Shoop."

38. Okay, I know you want "Shoop."

39. I know you want "Shoop."

40. Mommy wants to ask the last owner if he jammed any other mixtape in here.

41. - Hey, there we go. There we go.

42. Mommy.

43. That's okay. We're gonna freestyle it. That's what we're gonna do.

44. Gotta move, ma'am. You can't sleep here.

45. Ma'am.

46. You can't sleep here.

47. - Isn't this public property? - You can't park here.

48. Got nowhere to be, go to a Walmart parking lot or to social services.

49. Okay.

50. Now.

51. Okay.

52. Russell.

53. That's us. Let's get it.

54. - Russell? Russell, coming.

55. So you're looking for a big, fat government handout

56. because you are a jobless, white trash, piece of shit, am I right?

57. What?

58. Your form? You're gonna give that to me.

59. Yes.

60. All right. The child in your lap is Maddy.

61. - And Schmariel. - What?

62. Uh, it's the Ariel that we got from a dollar store.

63. So we call her Schmariel.

64. - Are you the child's legal guardian? Yes.

65. Can you prove that?

66. Uh, I can show you my stretch marks.

67. Are you under the influence of any drugs or alcohol?

68. No.

69. Are you sure?

70. Because you look strung out.

71. No.

72. We slept in a car last night.

73. So you're homeless?

74. No. No, I wouldn't say that.

75. So you have a home?

76. Uh...

77. I had a home and then we left it.

78. Maddy's dad is, um— He drinks and, uh...

79. He blacks out and punches stuff.

80. Is this some kind of fucking fairy tale, Alex?

81. Punches you? - No.

82. - Punches Maddy? No. No.

83. Just...

84. Last night, um...

85. Last night was different and I got scared.

86. Did you file a police report?

87. No.

88. Do you wanna call the cops now? It's not too late.

89. And say what? That he didn't hit me?

90. There's shelters for domestic violence victims,

91. but you need to go on record with your abuse.

92. I'm not abused.

93. Okay, hon.

94. So according to you, you're not abused and you're not homeless.

95. Why are you here?

96. We don't have anywhere to sleep tonight.

97. What about mom? It says here she's local.

98. I would rather sleep in my car.

99. Dad?

100. Um...

101. My family is not an option.

102. Are you currently employed?

103. - Nope. - You went to six different high schools?

104. Yeah, my mom moved around a lot and then eventually I got my GED in 2016.

105. Any college, technical schools?

106. I got into college...

107. um, but I didn't go.

108. Is there anything that you can give me?

109. Any special skills?

110. On your mark, get set, go!

111. No.

112. All right. Here's the deal.

113. I need two pay stubs in order to get you on the list for subsidized housing,

114. and even then, the wait list is long.

115. In the meantime, there's a mission over at St. Carmel's and they have beds open.

116. I can't take Maddy there.

117. Sure you can.

118. Get there early. Wear Deet.

119. Um, I'm sorry. Is there anything else that you could do for us here?

120. Honestly, without a job,

121. I can't do squat.

122. Okay. Um...

123. I can't get a job if I can't afford day care.

124. Well, we have access to subsidized day care grants once you have a job.

125. I need a job to prove that I need day care in order to get a job?

126. What kind of fuckery is that?

127. You know what?

128. Why don't you try this?

129. Value Maids?

130. It's a local cleaning service, lot of turnover. Worth a shot.

131. I'll call them to tell them you're on your way.

132. - Great. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah?

133. Can I bring Maddy?

134. To a job interview?

135. Mom!

136. Is Paula here?

137. Paula Langley?

138. I don't know who Paula is. We Airbnb'd this place from Basil.

139. - Hi, Mom.

140. Maddy, Alex!

141. This is so exciting.

142. I can't believe you came to see this.

143. This is what all the brilliant painters and sculptors are doing in the art world.

144. This is me stepping up to a global collective of minds.

145. - Hey, Mom. - Archetypes. You know about it.

146. That's what I'm representing here in cobalt.

147. The hero, the every man, mentor, the mystic

148. - the lover. - Mom.

149. And there's Jungian archetypes.

150. Why didn't you tell me that you Airbnb'd your house?

151. I did, didn't I?

152. I drove around two campgrounds looking for you.

153. If you don't check-in with me, that's on you.

154. I called you 14 times.

155. Is that Alexandra? Bloody hell.

156. You disturbed the Airbnb people?

157. They're gonna leave a shit review now, you fair dinkum monster.

158. I can't deal with him and his fake Australian accent.

159. It's not fake. I was born in Perth, so...

160. - I'm sure you were, Cilantro. - Don't call Basil Cilantro, Alex.

161. Our identity is subjective.

162. He's Australian, I'm French-Italian.

163. In reality, we're both 100 percent Icelandic fairy.

164. Can I talk to you in private? I'm in a rush, Mom.

165. No. Whatever you can say to me, you can say in front of him.

166. Because he is my life and business partner.

167. What business?

168. Renting your house out, or making you sleep in an RV?

169. You're a malignant tumor.

170. - Go put some shrimp on the barbie. - All right. Enough.

171. Out with it.

172. - With—? Um... - Out with it.

173. You want something from me, so just ask. What is it?

174. Can you watch Maddy? I have a job interview. One hour, two max.

175. Of course. She's my granddaughter.

176. She is always welcome to experience me and be a part of my life.

177. Do you remember the rules? Use your phone.

178. Use your phone and answer the phone. Okay, Mom?

179. - Nod that you hear me. - Nod.

180. Don't drive her anywhere. Do you have food here? Can you give her lunch?

181. - We're a pub now, are we? - Anything goes wrong, call me.

182. Don't call Sean. Call me.

183. Come on, pumpky-poo.

184. Be a good girl for Grammy and Cilantro. Love you.

185. Bye, Mom!

186. I love you!

187. Put some eyes on her.

188. Hi, I'm looking for Value Maids?

189. Sorry, the address says it's here.

190. Thank you.

191. Yeah?

192. Hi, are you Yolanda?

193. If this is another summons, shove it up your ass.

194. No, I'm Alex. Jody sent me.

195. Oh, one of Jody's girls.

196. Poor thing. Not you. Jody. Being a social worker sucks.

197. So you're on parole?

198. Um, no.

199. - Got any priors? - No.

200. I'll check. Got a problem with a background check?

201. - No. - We pay that, no exceptions.

202. Bump you up 50 cents once the background check clears and you go full-time.

203. Full-time, great.

204. Yes, but full-time ain't a 40-hour week.

205. Company policy is you can't work more than six hours a day.

206. More than six hours, bitches start throwing their backs out,

207. which breaks my heart, it does, but I can't be paying benefits.

208. So it's capped. Six hours a day, max.

209. Okay.

210. And tourist season's over, so I really only have one shift open.

211. It's a weekly three-hour clean over on Fisher Island.

212. One shift. Okay.

213. So uniform is 25 bucks. Comes out of your first check.

214. How soon do you think I could get proof of employment? A pay stub.

215. Cart before the horse. This is a trial.

216. You ain't hired yet.

217. - You got a car? - Yes.

218. We provide a ferry pass.

219. But gas and toll, that's on you.

220. So are cleaning supplies, rags, gloves,

221. basically everything else except the Dyson.

222. If you don't return the Dyson to me directly after the shift,

223. - you don't get paid. Understand? - Yes, I do.

224. All right. Can you do there at 1:00? Let me get you the sheet.

225. Oh, so I'm starting today?

226. That's good news, ain't it, broke girl?

227. Great.

228. Hello. Hey, Mom. How's it going?

229. She's a very powerful archetype.

230. A love child. That's what she is, her spirit resounds.

231. - Did you feed her? - The spirit of my mother is in her.

232. She is a very powerful young lady. Our ancestry pulses through her blood.

233. Sure does. Did you end up giving her lunch, though?

234. Of course. Grilled cheese and tomato with a side of straight Tom Collins

235. and now we are painting.

236. - Aren't we, sweetie? We're painting. - Awesome.

237. Hey. So listen. I got hired and I'm starting right now.

238. You should see what she's doing. And her hands, they're like sculptures.

239. - Listen, I'm starting right now. - Oh, honey. It's just so pretty.

240. - Her painting. - It's a three-hour clean on Fisher Island.

241. You should see her hands! Look at her hands!

242. I'll be back at the ferry at 4:05 and I'll be at yours at 5:30. Does that work?

243. Don't we, sweetie?

244. No phones. You're a half hour late.

245. - I'm sorry. I'm— - A half hour late.

246. I know. I didn't have any signal and missed my turn. I'm sorry.

247. We'll reschedule.

248. I can be done by 4:00, ma'am. I'm fast and I'm good.

249. I'd really rather you come back another time

250. than do a shoddy job and throw a bunch of cleaning products around.

251. I understand. I won't disappoint you.

252. We're in NYC this weekend. Everything in the fridge can go

253. so my whole house doesn't smell like kombucha when I get back. Got it?

254. The fridge. I got it.

255. We compost. The bin is labeled "compost." Can you read or should I show you?

256. I can read.

257. Oh, God. Just put them on. I'll talk to her.

258. Tell them those terms are bullshit.

259. Okay.

260. Tick-tock. Should have rescheduled.

261. Mommy.

262. It's a tiara.

263. Mommy, are you okay?

264. Are you okay? Are you okay, Mommy?

265. Are you okay?

266. Hey.

267. Why are you on the floor?

268. Oh, what happened?

269. I heard a thunk. I think you fainted.

270. Or are you a drug addict?

271. Uh, no. Um...

272. I'm so sorry. I skipped breakfast this morning. I'm fine.

273. Okay, well, just hold on. Don't get up fast.

274. Fuck.

275. Okay.

276. Balance bar.

277. Thank you.

278. This room is so nice.

279. Gosh, I've got a daughter and she would love this. How old is your kid?

280. I don't have children.

281. Isn't this a nursery?

282. Yeah, it's staged.

283. We're getting ready to sell the house. So, uh... James had it staged.

284. Oh.

285. Well...

286. Not to be a task master, but...

287. Mm-hm.

288. Obviously. Of course. I'm almost done too.

289. I just have this room left and...

290. This room and all the lawn furniture.

291. Shit.

292. Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

293. Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

294. Maddy?

295. Maddy, are you in here? Maddy?

296. Mom, can't you hear me calling? What the fuck?

297. Calling me? It was me that was calling you many, many times.

298. - Okay. Where is Maddy? - I have a life of my own, you know?

299. I can't be watching children all day. I have work to do. My own work, okay?

300. Basil, are you in here? Open the door!

301. I bet you'd like to get in there with him. I see how you act around him.

302. Always flirting with him, sticking your little titties out.

303. What the fuck are you talking about? Where is Maddy?

304. - I'm taking a nap. Jesus. - Why can't you be happy for me?

305. She's not here.

306. That I can still attract a quality man like him.

307. - Okay, where is she? - We couldn't reach you

308. and your mom got tired, so we called Sean to get her.

309. You have never seen my potential. I am soaring on the cliff.

310. The sun beams towards me. It fills me with light!

311. She's fine. She's all right. She's asleep.

312. We did bath time.

313. She had buttered noodles.

314. You hungry?

315. Dinner's almost ready.

316. Irish stew.

317. Fuck!

318. I haven't had a drink today. Come on.

319. Alex.

320. I'm trying here.

321. Hey.

322. I'm not staying for dinner. I'm getting Maddy and I'm leaving.

323. I went to a meeting today.

324. Ethan took me.

325. Okay. That's...

326. Could you please sit?

327. - All right. Let's make a fucking mess!

328. Fuck!

329. You need to eat.

330. Come on.

331. I'm surprised Maddy was at your mom's.

332. Is Paula finally on meds, or...?

333. She was only supposed to be there a couple of hours.

334. You know how much I love Paula.

335. I do, but... leaving Maddy with her?

336. I thought we had an agreement.

337. My mom's good with her for short periods of time.

338. They, um... dance around or do art projects.

339. She was alone when I got there.

340. Playing with a vape and watching a cage match on TV.

341. Mm.

342. Where were you? Nobody could find you.

343. I got a job on Fisher Island, and I didn't have service.

344. A job?

345. How are you gonna work? Who's gonna watch Maddy?

346. Not your mom.

347. I'll figure it out. It's my business, Sean, okay?

348. Hmm.

349. Could you eat a little?

350. You're hurting my feelings.

351. I'm not eating your fucking stew, okay?

352. Stop asking.

353. All right.

354. You're officially freaking me out.

355. Going AWOL in the middle of the night?

356. Leaving my child in a dangerous situation with a batshit crazy person?

357. I mean, are you feeling okay?

358. - That's not funny. Don't do that. - What?

359. I'm not insane. You're the one that woke me up in a rage

360. over some dirty dishes and punched a hole in the wall.

361. I drank too much. I went too far.

362. I went too far, I'm sorry.

363. I picked glass out of Maddy's hair last night.

364. I didn't mean for it to be that close to her.

365. Hey, I would never hurt her, you know that.

366. I don't know that.

367. You serious right now?

368. Okay, what's the plan here?

369. Where are you gonna go? Hmm?

370. I pay all the bills.

371. Let you hang out with my friends,

372. I let you move into my trailer, you drink my beer, eat my food.

373. I let you mooch off me.

374. I do everything for you.

375. If you walk out of here, you'll have no one.

376. I know. I'm well aware of how completely alone and fucked I am.

377. But I won't pick glass out of Maddy's hair again. Not gonna happen.

378. Hey, where are you going?

379. - Hey. Hey, Maddy, sweetie. - Daddy.

380. Daddy's right here, okay?

381. Where are you going, Alex?

382. What's the plan here?

383. Okay, why don't you think for just one second?

384. Would you please look at me? Alex?

385. Why don't you come back inside?

386. - We can talk about this. - There you go, honey. It's okay.

387. Where are you gonna go?

388. Hey, you can't steal my kid!

389. Sweetie, Daddy's right here, okay? Where are you gonna go?

390. Hey! Alex!

391. Alex!

392. "Shoop."

393. "Shoop," Mommy.

394. - Where are we going? - I don't know. I need a second, all right?

395. - Home. - We can't go home right now, okay?

396. Look, Mommy, look.

397. I'm gonna take this real quick.

398. Yolanda, the Dyson, I know.

399. - Regina's not happy with your cleaning. - What?

400. She called and said you did a crap job on the furniture, left streaks.

401. - Go back, and do it right. - Window, Mommy!

402. - Yes, honey. - Mommy.

403. Okay, okay, hold on. I'm gonna...

404. Nope, I can't. I'm in Port Hampstead, and I have my daughter with me.

405. Not my problem. You want this job? You wanna get paid? Go back.

406. - It's a 45-minute ferry each way. - Then you better get cracking.

407. You're flying.

408. - Hold on, all right? - Look, Mommy.

409. We don't have time for this, Maddy.

410. Schmariel!

411. We'll go back and get Schmariel. We're gonna get Schmariel later.

412. - I'm getting Schmariel now. - Schmariel!

413. I'm getting her right now. Okay. All right.

414. Okay.

415. Are you okay?

416. You okay? You okay?

417. You're okay. You're okay.

418. Jesus Christ! She was in there?

419. Yes, my daughter was fucking in the car! She was in there, you fucking moron!

420. You hit my fucking car. You could have killed my daughter.

421. Get the fuck away from me!

422. We live in here, you dipshit!

423. Oh, you're so good.

424. And then shine the light.

425. Yeah.

426. Here you go, ma'am.

427. - You're giving me a ticket? - Parking in the meridian is illegal.

428. I can't pay for this.

429. If you have any personal items you'd like to retrieve from the car

430. before the tow truck gets here, now is your time.

431. And who pays for the tow truck?

432. You have someone who can pick you up?

433. If you don't have anybody to call, we can drop you at home.

434. Um, no, no, no. I've got— I've got somebody. Thank you so much.

435. Can you make the call now? I gotta clear the meridian.

436. - You can't stay here. All right. - Got it.

437. Were you speeding at the time?

438. Hey.

439. She's out like a light.

440. Last time I saw her, she was still in diapers.

441. I would like to see her more than I get to.

442. So where to? Port Hampstead?

443. Sean still in that single-wide?

444. No, we're, um...

445. We're not gonna go home.

446. Oh. Okay.

447. Where to, then?

448. I mean, I'd invite you back to my house...

449. but it's a school night, and Charlene and the kids—

450. No, yeah. Of course.

451. Maybe, um...

452. Would you mind just dropping us at the ferry station?

453. I'll have my friend pick us up.

454. What were you thinking pulled over like that?

455. It's just that's... a reckless thing to do.

456. Reminds me of your mother.

457. Can we just not talk?

458. Okay.

459. Would you mind pulling over real quick and let me run to the dollar store?

460. Thanks.

461. Let's put you down. There you go.

462. You, uh... You need anything else

463. from your old pop?

464. We're all set, thanks again.

465. Bye-bye, honey bee.

466. Boat.

467. No, not tonight. We're just gonna get a little rest in.

468. Wait, wait. Come here, baby girl.

469. - This was in my shoe. - What's in your shoe?

470. - This was in my shoe. - What the heck?

471. What the heck?

472. Okay.

473. I put it in my shoe.

474. You're fixing my earrings, all right?

475. How do we unclip this?

476. Well...

477. Okey-dokey. I got you a surprise. You wanna see a surprise?

478. Okay.

479. Ta-da!

480. We got Schmariel.

481. All better.

482. Announcing the arrival of Ferry 41.

483. Ferry 41 arriving.