Lucky Louie 1x9

1. STOP.

2. I CAN'T SLEEP.

3. NO SHIT.

4. I JUST KEEP THINKING ABOUT DEATH.

5. OH, JESUS, NOT AGAIN.

6. I'M 38. I'M ALMOST HALFWAY THERE AT BEST.

7. PLEASE. JUST GO TO SLEEP.

8. OKAY.

9. I MEAN, I'M REALLY FUCKING SCARED OF DYING,

10. OF JUST BEING NOTHING FOREVER.

11. I'M GOING TO NOT EXIST WAY LONGER THAN I'VE EXISTED,

12. AND WHEN I PICTURE THAT I CAN'T BREATHE.

13. I'M JUST PARALYZED.

14. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STOP, ARE YOU?

15. I SAW THIS DOG TODAY, HE WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET,

16. AND I THOUGHT, "THAT DOG IS GOING TO DIE SOMEDAY

17. AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IT. HE'S SO LUCKY."

18. OR IS HE?

19. IS IT BETTER THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW OR THAT HE DOES KNOW?

20. FUCKING DOG. I JUST WISH THERE WERE SOME WAY—

21. ARE YOU STILL THINKING ABOUT DEATH?

22. NO. NO. NO.

23. Louis C.K.: "LUCKY LOUIE" WAS TAPED BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.

24. PLEASE EAT SOMETHING.

25. I DON'T REALLY CARE FOR IT.

26. CAN I HAVE DESSERT?

27. YEAH, WHY NOT?

28. - HEY. - HI.

29. - HI, MAMA. - HI, BABY.

30. OH MY GOD, WHAT A HORRIBLE DAY.

31. YOU REMEMBER PETE, MY MORBIDLY OBESE PATIENT?

32. IT TOOK TWO HOURS TO MOVE HIM.

33. - WHERE DID YOU HAVE TO MOVE HIM? - THE MORGUE.

34. MY BACK IS KILLING ME.

35. OH, DON'T GIVE HER THAT YET. SHE'S BARELY EATEN ANYTHING.

36. YEAH, PAPA. I'VE BARELY EATEN ANYTHING.

37. - HELLO? - Mike: What's up, pumpkin?

38. ARE YOU GOING TO LADY BULLDOG'S GAME TONIGHT OR WHAT?

39. AW, IS THAT TONIGHT?

40. - I DON'T THINK I CAN GO. - What?

41. YOU'RE GOING TO MISS THE WOMEN'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL DIVISION III FINALS?

42. WHAT KIND OF A SPORTS FAN ARE YOU?

43. NO, YOU'RE RIGHT,

44. I SHOULD GO. YOU KNOW WHAT?

45. I'LL BE THERE. I'VE JUST GOT TO CLEAR IT WITH KIM.

46. WELL, GET IT CLEARED.

47. TAILGATE PARTY STARTS AT 6:30.

48. I DON'T WANT TO MISS THE PEP RALLY.

49. HANG ON. TINA'S GOT SOMETHING.

50. NOW, LOUIE, I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO BE OUT LATE

51. - AND THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF DRINKING. - YEAH, PROBABLY.

52. WELL, HAVE A GOOD TIME.

53. MAMA, I'M COLD.

54. WELL, GO GET YOUR SWEATER IN THE BEDROOM.

55. HEY, UH, IT LOOKS LIKE THE LADY BULLDOGS

56. ARE IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP. THAT'S PRETTY GREAT.

57. OH, OKAY. WOW.

58. SO I GUESS MIKE AND RICH ARE GOING OR SOMETHING.

59. OH, THEY'RE GOING?

60. YEAH, OR SOMETHING.

61. HUH...

62. APPARENTLY, THERE'S LIKE A TAILGATE PARTY TOO.

63. I DON'T KNOW. SOUNDS STUPID.

64. YEAH, IT DOES.

65. SO ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT TO GO?

66. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I SHOULD— RIGHT? —'CAUSE IT'S A WORK THING.

67. AND MIKE IS MY BOSS, AND IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO NETWORK.

68. SO YOU THINK I SHOULD GO?

69. OH MY GOD, YES, GO. WHATEVER.

70. - Lucy: MOMMY? - WHAT, SWEETIE?

71. - MY TUMMY HURTS. - OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

72. OH, HONEY.

73. I'M GOING TO TAKE HER TO THE BATHROOM.

74. WILL YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

75. OH, JEEZ, YOU GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT THERE?

76. POOR KID.

77. OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

78. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

79. I'M GOING TO THE GAME.

80. - REALLY? - WHAT? YOU SAID I COULD GO.

81. WHAT ARE YOU, NINE? YOU'RE DAUGHTER JUST THREW UP.

82. - ( sighs ) ALL RIGHT, FINE. - ( harrumphs )

83. HEY, MIKE, BAD NEWS, I CAN'T GO.

84. YEAH, THE WIFE WON'T LET ME GO.

85. WHAT? DON'T TELL HIM THAT.

86. THIS IS NOT ME NOT LETTING YOU GO.

87. OH, I GUESS SHE IS LETTING ME GO.

88. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

89. SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH ME. I'VE GOT TO CALL YOU BACK.

90. AM I GOING OR NOT?

91. YOU NEED ME TO TELL YOU? I WORKED ALL DAY,

92. LUCY'S SICK AND YOU WANT TO GO TO A TAILGATE PARTY.

93. SO YOU'RE NOT LETTING ME GO?

94. ( sigh ) NO, I'M NOT DOING THIS.

95. - WHAT? - THIS,

96. THAT THING WHERE YOU FORCE ME TO MAKE THE DECISION FOR YOU,

97. AND I'M THE BAD GUY. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

98. YOU'RE AN ADULT. MAKE A DECISION AND LIVE WITH IT.

99. YOU WANT ME TO DECIDE?

100. THAT'S REALLY WHAT YOU WANT?

101. THAT'D BE GREAT.

102. ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW?

103. JESUS CHRIST.

104. ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING TO DECIDE.

105. THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO.

106. UH-HUH.

107. OKAY.

108. I'M GOING, AND I'M GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

109. BYE.

110. WHOO!

111. - ( car horn honks ) - ( sings team song )

112. - ( laughs ) - ( barks )

113. HOW GREAT WAS IT WHEN THEY WENT TO THE ZONE DEFENSE,

114. AND SHUT THOSE UGLY BITCHES OUT FOR EIGHT MINUTES?

115. YEAH, NOTHING I LIKE BETTER THAN WATCHING A PRETTY YOUNG LADY

116. TAKING IT HARD TO THE HOLE, HUH?

117. MIKE, MIKE, MIKE, SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN. CHECK THESE GUYS OUT.

118. ( lisping ) EXCUSE ME, FELLAS. WE'RE A LITTLE LOST.

119. COULD YOU GIVE US ERECTIONS?

120. "ERECTIONS"?

121. COME ON, MAN. HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THESE GUYS ARE GAY?

122. I DON'T THINK THEY'RE GAY. I'M PRETENDING THAT I'M GAY.

123. IT'S FUNNY TO ACT GAY. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, LOU?

124. ALL RIGHT, I'LL TRY IT.

125. HERE, CHECK THESE GUYS OUT OVER HERE.

126. ( lisping ) EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN, YES.

127. CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET TO SYCAMORE STREET?

128. GO TO THE LIGHT AND MAKE A LEFT.

129. OH, THANKS.

130. THAT WASN'T FUN. THOSE GUYS JUST THINK I'M GAY NOW.

131. EH...

132. UH-OH. FAGGOT.

133. MIKE, LOOK OUT!

134. - ( Rich screams ) - JESUS.

135. BOY, THAT GUY'S LUCKY TO BE ALIVE.

136. NO SHIT.

137. HEY, BUDDY, YOU ALMOST DIED!

138. FUCK YOU!

139. HEY, MAN, ARE YOU OKAY TO DRIVE?

140. NOT IN THE LEAST.

141. WELL, HERE LET ME DRIVE. PULL OVER, LET'S SWITCH.

142. NO NO, LET GO. I DON'T LIKE ANYONE ELSE DRIVING WHEN I'M DRUNK.

143. COME ON, MAN. THAT'S STUPID.

144. LET ME DRIVE. JUST PULL OVER.

145. COME ON. ALL RIGHT. FINE. YOU WANT TO DRIVE?

146. LET'S SWITCH. GO AHEAD. SWITCH.

147. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. SHIT.

148. AH! AH! YOU'RE ON MY DICK!

149. LIFT UP SO I CAN SLIDE UNDER.

150. I CAN'T. I TRAPPED BETWEEN THE DASHBOARD AND YOUR DICK.

151. AH!

152. PUSH THE FUCKING SEAT BACK.

153. OW! LEGROOM, FAGGOTS!

154. UGH.

155. OH, SHIT.

156. WELL, PULL OVER, ASSHOLE, YOU'VE GOT THE WHEEL.

157. WOULD YOU LET HIM GO, OFFICER? IT WAS MY CAR.

158. YOU WERE BOTH DRIVING. YOU BOTH FAILED THE BREATHALYZER.

159. YOU BOTH GET TO GO TO JAIL. USE THAT TO MAKE YOUR CALL.

160. SO... THIS IS WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO GET FUCKED IN THE ASS.

161. ALL RIGHT. I'VE GOT TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO TELL KIM WHAT HAPPENED.

162. HELLO.

163. HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

164. - OH, HI. - Listen, uh...

165. I'M JUST CALLING BECAUSE I FEEL REALLY BAD THAT I LEFT YOU THERE.

166. I JUST— I JUST REALLY WANTED TO SAY THAT I'M SORRY.

167. YEAH, OKAY.

168. NO, REALLY. I JUST FEEL LIKE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN RESPONSIBLE

169. AND I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU A BREAK, AND I HOPE YOU CAN FORGIVE ME.

170. IT'S ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

171. LISTEN, COULD YOU COME PICK ME UP?

172. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, COME PICK YOU UP?

173. IT'S JUST THAT I'M DOWNTOWN

174. AND I'VE GOT TO GET HOME.

175. WELL, WHAT DO YOU NEED ME FOR?

176. I DON'T HAVE A CAR.

177. YEAH, I KNOW, BUT IT'S JUST THAT I'M IN A PLACE WHERE

178. IN ORDER FOR ME TO LEAVE, THEY NEED YOU TO GIVE THEM...

179. BAIL.

180. YOU'RE IN JAIL?

181. YEAH, I GOT BUSTED FOR A D.U.I. I'M SORRY.

182. ( sighs ) YOU'RE ONLY SORRY BECAUSE YOU'RE IN JAIL.

183. WELL, THAT'S THE POINT OF JAIL.

184. SO, CAN YOU COME GET ME?

185. HMM.

186. IT LOOKS LIKE I HAVE A DECISION TO MAKE HERE.

187. DO I WAKE UP SICK LUCY

188. AND PUT HER ON A BUS TO COME BAIL YOU OUT,

189. BECAUSE YOU HAD TO DRINK YOUR FACE OFF AT A BASKETBALL GAME,

190. OR DO I LET YOU SLEEP FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS ON A JAIL FLOOR?

191. SO WHICH ONE ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

192. GOOD NIGHT, LOUIE.

193. SHIT.

194. DO YOU WANT TO CALL TINA?

195. YEAH, SURE. WHY NOT? ( clears throat )

196. - HELLO. - Hey, honey.

197. I'M IN JAIL ON A D.U.I.

198. HONEY, ARE YOU OKAY? WHAT HAPPENED?

199. WELL, I WAS SWERVING ALL OVER THE PLACE,

200. THEN LOUIE JUMPED ON MY LAP.

201. ( chuckles ) IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU GUYS HAD FUN.

202. ANYWAY, LISTEN. I'M GOING TO SLEEP IT OFF HERE

203. AND I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, OKAY?

204. ALL RIGHT. BYE, POOP.

205. OH, WELL.

206. HEY, YOU'D BETTER MOVE OVER.

207. I'VE GOT PRETTY BAD AIM.

208. GOOD MORNING.

209. OH, HI.

210. DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY NIGHT IN JAIL?

211. NOT REALLY.

212. ARE YOU EVEN CURIOUS IF I GOT RAPED?

213. 'CAUSE I GOT RAPED.

214. LOUIE, I'M SICK.

215. I THINK I GOT WHATEVER LUCY HAD,

216. SO JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED AND LET ME GO LIE DOWN.

217. WELL, I GOT A $1,000 FINE,

218. AND I'VE GOT TO GO TO A.A.

219. AWESOME.

220. HI, PAPA.

221. HEY, SWEETHEART. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

222. GOOD. WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?

223. I WAS IN JAIL.

224. WHAT'S JAIL?

225. IT'S A PLACE WHERE THEY PUT BAD PEOPLE.

226. ARE YOU A BAD PERSON?

227. NO, I'M NOT A BAD PERSON.

228. THEN WHY DID THEY PUT YOU IN JAIL?

229. 'CAUSE I'M A BAD PERSON.

230. DO YOU WANT A COOKIE?

231. - OKAY. - OKAY, I'M GOING TO HAVE ONE TOO.

232. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE A COOKIE 'CAUSE YOU WERE BAD.

233. HEY, LOUIE.

234. HEY, MIKE.

235. HEY, JERRY. YOU COME HERE?

236. YEAH, THIS IS MY WEDNESDAY MEETING.

237. IT'S GOOD YOU'RE HERE,

238. AND DON'T WORRY— ANONYMOUS. ( laughs )

239. YEAH, THANKS.

240. HI, WELCOME, GUYS.

241. I'M LEADING TONIGHT. MY NAME'S JEFF.

242. - HEY. - HI.

243. HEY, CAN YOU SIGN THIS FOR US,

244. SO WE CAN PROVE THAT WE WERE HERE?

245. THIS IS AN ATTENDANCE FORM.

246. I DON'T SIGN THIS UNTIL THE MEETING'S OVER.

247. OH, WE'RE NOT ALCOHOLICS.

248. WE'RE JUST HERE BECAUSE WE GOT A D.U.I.

249. MAYBE YOU COULD JUST SIGN THIS SO WE CAN LEAVE.

250. GUYS, I KNOW IT MUST BE HARD TO ADMIT THAT

251. YOU MIGHT BENEFIT FROM SOMETHING LIKE THIS,

252. BUT WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE? AN HOUR?

253. YEAH, AN HOUR.

254. ALL RIGHT, WE'LL GIVE IT A SHOT. THANK YOU.

255. OKAY. OKAY, ALL, LET'S GET STARTED.

256. MY NAME'S JEFF, AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

257. HI, JEFF.

258. FIVE YEARS AGO, I WAS AN AIRLINE PILOT.

259. ONE DAY AFTER 12 VODKA TONICS,

260. I FLEW A PLANE TO LOS ANGELES.

261. THE PROBLEM IS MY DESTINATION WAS SAN DIEGO.

262. BUT THEN I STARTED WORKING THE STEPS,

263. AND TODAY, BY THE GRACE OF GOD, I'VE GOT MY 18-MONTH CHIP

264. AND I'M AN ASSISTANT MANAGER AT WAL-MART.

265. HAS IT BEEN AN HOUR YET?

266. YEAH, I'M CAL.

267. HEY, CAL.

268. I'M WHAT YOU CALL A BLACKOUT DRUNK,

269. SO SOMETIMES I'D WAKE UP FIVE STATES AWAY

270. FROM WHERE I STARTED DRINKING.

271. AND I'D BE MARRIED,

272. OFTEN WHILE I WAS ALREADY MARRIED.

273. I NEVER EVEN TOUCHED ALCOHOL UNTIL I MET THIS GIRL AT THE BEACH.

274. PATTY.

275. GOD, SHE WAS SOMETHING.

276. - CAL? - ANYWAY...

277. GOD BLESS YOU ALL.

278. ONE DAY AT A TIME.

279. HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BE THAT SACK OF SHIT?

280. GUYS, NO CROSSTALK PLEASE.

281. - I'M JERRY. - All: HEY, JERRY.

282. FOUR YEARS SOBER.

283. I ENJOY DATING SENIOR CITIZENS.

284. SO ONE DAY CLAIRE AND I,

285. WE'RE SITTING ON A PARK BENCH

286. AND WE'RE MAKING OUT.

287. AND SHE FALLS ASLEEP,

288. SO I START RIFLING THROUGH HER PURSE,

289. 'CAUSE I WANT MONEY FOR BOOZE.

290. BUT I REALIZE THAT JERRY DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT JERRY

291. WHEN JERRY'S DOING THIS.

292. THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED

293. TO STOP DRINKING AND START THINKING.

294. AND TODAY WHEN I DATE THOSE OLD LADIES,

295. I DON'T STEAL THEIR MONEY, SO I'M A WINNER.

296. WELL, AT LEAST THAT WAS ENTERTAINING.

297. SERIOUSLY, NO CROSSTALK.

298. JESUS, THIS GUY REALLY HATES CROSSTALK.

299. YOU KNOW WHAT, MIKE?

300. YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE ABOVE THIS.

301. YOU SAY YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.

302. NO, NOT REALLY.

303. WELL THEN, TELL US ABOUT IT.

304. TELL US HOW DRINKING HAS MADE YOUR LIFE SO GREAT.

305. OKAY...

306. I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.

307. WELL, I GUESS THE MAIN THING IS THAT WHEN I FEEL BAD...

308. I DRINK, AND I DON'T FEEL BAD ANYMORE.

309. AND WHEN I FEEL GOOD...

310. I DRINK...

311. AND I FEEL BETTER.

312. BUT, I KNOW I DRINK A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH SOMETIMES—

313. WAY TOO MUCH— AND THE NEXT DAY I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

314. I GET THE RUNS.

315. I'VE GOT TO POP A LOT OF ASPIRIN,

316. MAYBE TAKE A HALF-DAY, BUT, YOU KNOW,

317. HEY, BIG WHOOP, HUH?

318. BEING DRUNK IS FUN!

319. MY NAME IS MIKE, AND THANKS FOR LISTENING.

320. I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT LIKE THAT.

321. OKAY, APPARENTLY, THESE GUYS HAVEN'T LEARNED ANYTHING TODAY.

322. WELL, I LEARNED SOMETHING.

323. OH, REALLY?

324. WELL, LET'S HEAR THAT.

325. IT'S KIND OF PERSONAL.

326. WELL, YOU SHOULD GIVE IT A TRY.

327. IT FELT GOOD TO SHARE MY STORY.

328. YEAH, GO AHEAD, LOUIE, YOU'RE IN A SAFE PLACE.

329. YEAH, COME ON.

330. WELL, ALL RIGHT.

331. I GUESS I'M RELATING TO A LOT OF YOUR STORIES.

332. I MEAN, YOU GUYS ALL MADE SOME REALLY BAD DECISIONS

333. 'CAUSE YOU WERE DRUNK.

334. WELL, LAST NIGHT I DECIDED TO GO TO A WOMEN'S BASKETBALL GAME

335. INSTEAD OF TAKING CARE OF MY SICK DAUGHTER.

336. THAT WAS A BAD DECISION.

337. THE THING IS, I WAS STONE-COLD SOBER.

338. HONESTLY, I WISH THAT ALCOHOL WERE MY PROBLEM.

339. GOD, THAT'D BE GREAT.

340. BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, I'M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC,

341. I'M JUST A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

342. YOU KNOW, I MADE A LOT OF BAD DECISIONS BEFORE I DRANK TOO.

343. MAYBE I'M JUST A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

344. YEAH, I THINK I'M A FUCKING ASSHOLE TOO.

345. EVERYBODY, PLEASE,

346. THIS IS JUST THE ADDICT TALKING.

347. AH, COME ON, JEFF. YOU KNOW YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

348. HEY, WE'RE ALL FUCKING ASSHOLES, EH?

349. AND THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE

350. IS BUYING ALL YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES...

351. DRINKS. COME ON.

352. - HI. - HEY.

353. UH, LISTEN.

354. I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING.

355. I HAD KIND OF A BREAKTHROUGH.

356. I KNOW YOU WANT ME TO BE AN ADULT

357. AND MAKE DECISIONS FOR MYSELF.

358. RIGHT.

359. WELL, THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

360. THAT'S YOUR BREAKTHROUGH?

361. YEAH, LOOK, I— I TRIED, BUT IT DIDN'T WORK.

362. I THINK IT'S GOING TO HAVE TO BE YOU.

363. BUT HERE'S WHAT I'LL GIVE YOU IN RETURN.

364. I WON'T COMPLAIN ANYMORE OR— OR MAKE YOU THE BAD GUY.

365. JUST WHATEVER YOU DECIDE, I'LL JUST DO IT.

366. NO.

367. WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO?

368. NO, YOU STILL HAVE TO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS.

369. BUT I MADE ONE DECISION— IT WAS A TOTAL DISASTER.

370. SURE IT WAS. IT WAS AWFUL.

371. I MEAN, I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE BAD,

372. BUT WOW.

373. YES, SO STOP ME BEFORE I DO THAT AGAIN.

374. DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN LUCY DECIDED TO PUT GLUE IN HER HAIR?

375. SHE WAS BALD FOR A WHILE.

376. BUT NOW SHE KNOWS THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.

377. THAT'S HOW YOU LEARN.

378. OKAY, YOU'RE 37,

379. SO YOU'RE STARTING A LITTLE BIT LATE.

380. BUT YOU'LL BE FINE.

381. AND YOU'RE ALREADY BALD.

382. SO...

383. I CAN MAKE ANY DECISIONS I WANT

384. AND YOU WON'T COMPLAIN?

385. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

386. OH, HELLO.

387. I'M RICK SHAPIRO OF THE "LUCKY LOUIE" TELEVISION PROGRAM.

388. WE ALL HAD A LOT OF FUN TONIGHT,

389. BUT AT THE HEART OF THIS SHOW IS A SERIOUS ISSUE.

390. WHEN CONSIDERING SEXUAL PARTNERS,

391. DON'T OVERLOOK THE ELDERLY.

392. THEY'RE FUN.

393. THEY'RE APPRECIATIVE.

394. AND HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL.

395. THE ELDERLY,

396. THEY'RE NOT DEAD YET.