Lucky Louie 1x13

Directed by Andrew D. Weyman

After Bingo the clown doesn't turn up to Lucy's party, Louie is forced to become "Mr Pizza Box Man" to the enjoyment of all the children. Other families start contracting his services

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1. Looks like you're out of beer.

2. Oh, I'll go get some.

3. Uh, no. There's some in the crisper drawer, Mike.

4. Well, we probably need more, so I'll go get some.

5. You leave, you die.

6. Okay, kids, we're gonna start the treasure hunt.

7. Hey, what's going on? I thought you guys were getting a clown.

8. Hey, it's almost 3:00. Where is the clown?

9. Louie, call the clown.

10. All right.

11. What clown did you get?

12. His name is Bingo.

13. Heh, never heard of him.

14. Hi, is this Bingo?

15. Hey, you're supposed to be at my house.

16. Where are you?

17. What?

18. Well, were you gonna call us or what?

19. Well, fuck you, Bingo, right in the ass.

20. He quit being a clown three weeks ago.

21. So what are we gonna do now?

22. Where's the clown, Mama?

23. Well, you see, honey, here's the thing.

24. We just called the clown

25. and he said he's not feeling well

26. and he's not gonna be able to come here today.

27. But he said he knows an even better clown

28. and he's gonna be here any minute,

29. - so run and tell your friends! - Yay!

30. What do we do now, just leave?

31. You could do it.

32. Do what?

33. Be the clown.

34. Yeah, Louie,

35. be the clown.

36. No.

37. Forget it.

38. He can't be the clown.

39. I mean, he's got the hair, but he's not funny.

40. What's your clown name gonna be?

41. My clown name is Fuck You, I'm Not a Clown.

42. Aw, the kids are gonna love that.

43. We could make you into a clown.

44. We just have to be creative.

45. Tina, can I borrow your makeup bag?

46. And— and give me those panty hose.

47. Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. No, no, no, no. Put—

48. Tina, put 'em back on 'cause I'm not doing it.

49. Take 'em off.

50. What is it, guys? Up or down?

51. Down, off.

52. Look, you're not hearing me.

53. Louie, it is her birthday

54. and she's been looking forward to this for weeks.

55. Motherfucker.

56. Thank you.

57. Okay, let's clown you up.

58. Oh, Jesus.

59. Who you calling?

60. Lots of people.

61. Pamela Adlon: "Lucky Louie" was taped before a live audience.

62. Okay, kids, are you ready for your special guest?

63. Yeah!

64. Well, here he is.

65. That's a keeper.

66. I'm not doing this.

67. Oh, come on. Come on.

68. - I don't know what to do. - Do anything.

69. Just be funny.

70. What's your name?

71. I don't know.

72. He's Mr. Pizza Box Man.

73. Yeah, okay. I'm Mr. Pizza Box Man.

74. What does Mr. Pizza Box Man do?

75. I don't know.

76. He jumps around and says pizza things.

77. Uh, pizza, pizza...

78. pepperoni pizza.

79. Cheese and crust.

80. I like pizza.

81. - Yay!

82. What else do you do?

83. I think that's it.

84. Oh, no, no, no. He's just getting started.

85. Come on, Mr. Pizza Box Man.

86. Pizza, pizza, lots of...

87. pizza!

88. Doesn't Mr. Pizza Box Man do anything else?

89. Sure, he does.

90. He dances around and makes farts.

91. - Hey. - Hi.

92. Whatcha looking at?

93. The pictures from the party.

94. Boy, those kids love Mr. Pizza Box Man.

95. - Look at this. - Yeah, no, thanks.

96. Aw, it was fun.

97. Listen, Beth, Ali's mom, called.

98. And she wants you to do Mr. Pizza Box Man

99. for Ali's birthday party next weekend.

100. Fuck you.

101. She said she'd pay you $100.

102. What is she, high?

103. Hey, you made the kids laugh

104. and you're cheaper than a bouncy castle.

105. Well, too bad 'cause I'm not doing it.

106. Oh, come on.

107. It's one thing to do it once for Lucy,

108. but I'm not going out there and doing it

109. for other people's shitty kids.

110. Okay, I looked into that ballet class

111. Lucy wants to take.

112. It's really expensive and this could help pay for it.

113. So you really expect me to go out there

114. in panty hose and pizza boxes

115. and go into people's homes and do a fart dance?

116. Look, it's 100 bucks for an hour's work.

117. So what? You could make that much

118. blowing guys on the street.

119. Yes, but, you see,

120. I don't have time to do that

121. because I have a full-time job.

122. Okay, so that's what this is.

123. This is you saying that I don't contribute to the family.

124. No, this is me saying you should go out

125. and blow guys on the street.

126. What?

127. I don't know.

128. Man, can you fuckin' believe her?

129. Yeah.

130. I mean, I have a full-time job.

131. It's called taking care of Lucy.

132. - Lucy: Papa! - I'm busy!

133. "Go be a clown with a pizza box on your chest

134. so your daughter can do a dance class."

135. Fuck her.

136. Yeah... right.

137. You agree with me, right?

138. Sure.

139. Whatever.

140. What, you don't?

141. I don't know.

142. There's kind of an element of, uh,

143. what the fuck's your problem?

144. What's that supposed to mean?

145. Well, you work at a muffler shop.

146. Is that really so much better

147. than slapping a pizza box to your ass every now and then?

148. - Well— - No, it seems to me that you're being kinda selfish.

149. I mean, sometimes you just gotta swallow your pride

150. and do what's best for the kid.

151. I guess somebody's gotta teach her to dance.

152. Man, she sucks.

153. Louie, what the hell?

154. What are you doing in that?

155. Ali's party.

156. What? You did it?

157. Yes, here's your dirty clown money.

158. - Well, how did it go? - How do you think?

159. A bunch of kids jumping on me, yelling at me.

160. It was fucking humiliating. It was awful.

161. I felt like I got raped by a bunch of children.

162. I hated every one— I hope every kid

163. that was at that party fuckin' dies today.

164. Pieces of shit.

165. It was awful.

166. "Nyah, Mr. Pizza Box!" Fuck you.

167. Oh, my God, Louie.

168. It must have been awful for you.

169. Yeah, it was.

170. But you did it.

171. And you got this money for Lucy.

172. I'm— I'm so proud of you.

173. Yeah?

174. Really.

175. I'm just— I'm really proud.

176. Wow, that's very proud.

177. Yep.

178. Come on, Mr. Pizza Box Man.

179. Pizza, pepperoni pizza.

180. - Look, Mom, it's Lisa. - Oh.

181. - Hey, Ellen. - Oh, hi, Kim.

182. So I see you enrolled in the class.

183. Yeah. Lucy is so happy.

184. Aw.

185. Damn, check this shit out.

186. Fancy schmancy.

187. Yes.

188. Hello, everyone. Welcome.

189. I'm Miss Mimi.

190. Parents, make yourself comfortable.

191. Dancers, follow me.

192. Wow, she seems like the real deal.

193. Yes, she was in the Joffrey.

194. - Hi, Linda. - Oh, my God.

195. Coffee! Yes!

196. What a morning. Did you guys take the bus over here?

197. Yes, we did.

198. How bad does the number 34 suck, huh?

199. Oh, yes, well...

200. We sat next to this guy—

201. I mean, is it a rule that you have to smell like shit

202. to ride the bus? I mean, fuck!

203. - Would you excuse me for a moment? - Kim: Mm-hmm.

204. Oh, you gotta get in on this coffee cake.

205. Oh, this kicks ass!

206. So, Lou,

207. this whole clown thing's working out for you, huh?

208. Yeah, actually, I'm doing another party this weekend.

209. Oh, good, good. That's great.

210. They, um— they give you a trophy

211. for being the world's biggest douche bag?

212. I'm just curious.

213. I mean, what do they pay you to twist your dick

214. into a balloon animal?

215. Actually, I get 100 bucks a party,

216. but it all goes to Lucy's dance class.

217. So you're not even seeing any of the money?

218. Oh, you are the most pathetic,

219. pussy-whipped jizz bucket to ever live.

220. I suggest that you kill yourself.

221. I think I'm gonna get some pie.

222. Hey, cockface, I just said

223. you're a jizz bucket and should kill yourself.

224. Faggot.

225. That's funny.

226. What is this?

227. Why isn't this bothering him?

228. Because I'm happy.

229. I'm providing for my family,

230. my daughter gets to take her classes, and my wife is happy.

231. - Very happy. - Really?

232. - When you say happy— - Yeah.

233. Tuesday, middle of the day blow job.

234. Ah, that's nice.

235. Kim blows you for dressing like a clown?

236. One time she blew me while I was dressed like a clown.

237. Great. Now I gotta go jerk off.

238. He was gonna jerk off anyways.

239. Oh, hey, Ellen.

240. Hello.

241. So do you guys wanna split a cab to class next time?

242. Oh, well...

243. actually, Lisa and I might be coming from her grandmother's.

244. Oh.

245. Well, if not...

246. Listen, the truth is,

247. I don't want you messing this up for me and Lisa.

248. What?

249. You know, the other moms

250. at the ballet class call you F-Mom.

251. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

252. Oh.

253. Well, big deal.

254. Just 'cause I curse a little?

255. What, we gotta be all, "Ooh," just 'cause it's ballet?

256. I'm just saying you might want to think about

257. how your behavior could reflect on Lucy, that's all.

258. I'll see ya.

259. Fuck you, lady.

260. - Hey. - Hey.

261. Hey, I'm doing Mr. Pizza Box Man

262. at some youth center on Saturday,

263. so I might be a little late for Lucy's recital.

264. Okay. Thanks, honey.

265. Is something wrong?

266. Do you think I'm gross?

267. Oh, honey, there's nothing wrong

268. with occasionally blowing your husband.

269. No, I mean am I trash?

270. Do I lack class?

271. What's bringing this on?

272. Ellen says I swear too much.

273. She says the other women at the ballet class call me F-Mom

274. and maybe that reflects on Lucy.

275. I'm just being myself.

276. And now I feel like this big whorey trash mouth.

277. Well, you are.

278. What?

279. No, that's a good thing.

280. Look, I'm crazy about your dirty little mouth.

281. Our second date, remember?

282. You were having your period,

283. and you said you were bleeding like a mob hit.

284. I fell— I fell in love right there.

285. But that's not what this is about.

286. This is about making sacrifices for our daughter.

287. Now, I'm out there farting in kids' faces

288. so she can have those classes.

289. I think maybe you could go an hour a week

290. without saying "Fuck."

291. Are you mad at me now?

292. No.

293. No. I'm glad you said it.

294. Okay, I just—

295. I'm a little worried now that you're not—

296. No, it's fine. I'll blow you later.

297. Good.

298. - Hi. - Oh, hi.

299. You wouldn't happen to know where I could find

300. Mr. Pizza Box Man?

301. I'm kidding.

302. I could totally tell it was you.

303. The kids are right in there.

304. Oh, is this a birthday party or—

305. Oh, no. We just try to bring in

306. entertainment for the kids when we can.

307. Okay, great. Thanks.

308. Oh, you're a little older than I thought.

309. Uh...

310. hey, kids.

311. Did anybody order Mr. Pizza Box Man?

312. Well—

313. I'm, uh— I'm Mr. Pizza Box Man

314. and I jump around and I say pizza things.

315. Pizza, pizza, pepperoni pizza.

316. Cheese and crust.

317. I like pizza!

318. The— uh, does anybody have a favorite kind of pizza?

319. I think I heard somebody over there say something.

320. No.

321. Just give us the pizza.

322. I don't actually have any pizza.

323. - What? - No pizza?

324. Then what's the point?

325. You're supposed to be the pizza man.

326. No, I'm the Pizza Box Man.

327. - I-I don't get it. - This is stupid.

328. You look like a homeless person.

329. Look, I'm just trying to entertain you guys.

330. Well, stop. You suck.

331. Okay, hang on for a—

332. Fuck you, pizza box faggot.

333. Excuse me.

334. Something funny?

335. Uh... no.

336. Then why you laughing?

337. All right, you look weird

338. and we laughed.

339. Hey!

340. Hey— okay!

341. Hello.

342. Good afternoon.

343. Pardon me.

344. How are you today, Ellen?

345. I'm fine.

346. Hello, parents,

347. and welcome to our first recital.

348. The children are proud to present

349. the Dance of the Enchanted Glen.

350. It's morning in the forest

351. and the nymphs dance

352. amongst the rocks and trees.

353. And the nymphs go back to the glen

354. to await another day.

355. Bows, bows.

356. Excuse me.

357. - I'm a little confused. - I'm sorry?

358. Well, I guess I was just hoping

359. that Lisa would have an opportunity to dance.

360. I'm sorry. Which one is Lisa?

361. My daughter.

362. She played a rock.

363. Now, with all due respect,

364. I guess I was expecting a little more than that.

365. Well, they can't all be stars.

366. - Well— - Look, I have a waiting list,

367. so if you're dissatisfied, please don't come back.

368. Well, fine. Then just give me my money back.

369. I'm sorry. It's nonrefundable.

370. This is bullshit.

371. We want our fucking money back now.

372. Excuse me.

373. What?

374. What?

375. It's just...

376. a bad night for Mr. Pizza Box Man.

377. What about you?

378. Oh.

379. Good night for F-Mom.