Lucky Hank 1x5

1. - Tom, this isn't a good time. - You got it!

2. What do you mean? You said that—

3. I know, but they loved you, Lil.

4. They want you to start as soon as you can.

5. Okay. Slow down.

6. I didn't say I could take this. You know that.

7. I know that, but this is a great school,

8. and you'd love it here.

9. You had all these ideas about education back in school.

10. We'll do them here.

11. And you know it will be funded.

12. Okay. I have to go.

13. Talk to Hank, and then come. You deserve this.

14. - Okay. Thank you. Bye. - Hey.

15. Hi.

16. I was just looking at the grandfather clock out there,

17. in the pod.

18. - It's a nice piece. - Your father's clock?

19. The clock that I possess on my property.

20. When is that pod going?

21. I'm going to keep the clock.

22. You want it in the house?

23. That piece is different.

24. I always thought of it as a friend.

25. Oh. That's sweet.

26. Hey, we're missing two settings.

27. We are not.

28. Well, how many are we?

29. Um...

30. Billie, Gracie,

31. Teddy, June,

32. Rourke, Joanie, Emma.

33. I'm missing someone.

34. Finny, and us.

35. You know, one time,

36. we should throw a dinner party for people we actually like.

37. You know, change of pace.

38. Do you remember

39. when you accidentally made punch

40. with 151-proof rum,

41. and Gracie fell asleep under the table?

42. That was fun.

43. Although with the budget cuts, I don't know.

44. This year might be grim.

45. Ten water glasses.

46. You know, tonight is about lowering expectations.

47. That way, we might be pleasantly surprised.

48. That was almost optimism.

49. No. No, no.

50. I know what's going to happen.

51. One of these bozos is going to break down crying.

52. It happens every year.

53. And then...

54. another bozo will reveal

55. something embarrassing and personal,

56. and we're all left sitting there staring at each other,

57. wondering what the hell's going on?

58. All right.

59. Eyes wide open.

60. When did you check the stew last?

61. Okay, eight minutes early.

62. That'll be the Washington-Chens.

63. Shall we?

64. Oh, I have to take this. I'll just be a minute.

65. Hey, Ash.

66. I wonder who does their landscaping.

67. This is— this is what chair money gets you, huh?

68. I guess so.

69. Hey!

70. - Hey! - Hi. How are you?

71. Right in there, yeah, yeah.

72. No, I need your help with something.

73. Oh. Oh. Um...

74. Hi.

75. You're coming to New York!

76. Oh, no.

77. No. It's just an offer. I'm not taking it.

78. I can't. There's just—

79. You know, there's just too many obstacles.

80. Oh. But you want to, right?

81. I mean...

82. if there was no other considerations, then of course I want to.

83. Oh. Hmm. Is Hank mad about what happened?

84. Nothing happened.

85. Oh, you didn't tell him.

86. Nothing happened.

87. Well, look, no, right. I wouldn't have told my husband either.

88. Come on.

89. Look, he surprised me.

90. I was on the phone, I wasn't even paying attention.

91. It was nothing.

92. It looks heavy.

93. You can't see weight.

94. What if we drop it?

95. Don't let go with your hands, and we won't drop it.

96. No! No! Put it down! Put it down!

97. Put it down. Put it down!

98. What happened?

99. I panicked.

100. I can't leave it out here. It's going to rain.

101. Yeah. Sorry, Hank.

102. My brass band plays Sunday, and, you know, the French horn,

103. it's much more latissimus-centric than most people think.

104. I can't risk a strain.

105. Oh, Lil. I can't wait for your ass to get here.

106. I mean, I'm not as eager as Tom or anything.

107. I mean, that guy's, like, drooling for you.

108. Okay, stop it.

109. Okay, I gotta go.

110. Make yourself something. I—

111. - Was it Teddy and June? - Yeah.

112. You okay?

113. I got the job. The Arlyle job.

114. You did? That's amazing.

115. I mean, of course you did.

116. You're amazing.

117. - I'm so proud of you. - Thank you.

118. I really didn't expect to get it.

119. Is it a good offer? Did you talk specifics?

120. - We didn't get into it. - Yeah.

121. - It's an offer. - Fantastic news.

122. That's...

123. Oh... talk about leverage, right?

124. You are going to bring East Railton High to its knees.

125. You're going to get so many cleaning supplies,

126. they're going to give you your own closet.

127. Right?

128. Yeah, totally.

129. I'm going to be queen of that place.

130. Hello.

131. - Hey. - Hi.

132. - Welcome. - Thank you.

133. - Uh, Lily? - She's right in the kitchen. Yeah.

134. Okay. Thanks.

135. Now, before you come in,

136. could you help me with something? Just that.

137. Oh! Oh! Would you like me to also bust up a chifforobe?

138. I'm not your moving company.

139. Why do people my age have parties?

140. I mean, I get it when you're in your 20s,

141. and it's all about getting laid,

142. but what's in it for us?

143. I think it's the same reason people gamble.

144. The thrill of possibility.

145. The roll of the die.

146. Right before the party, where you think, "What if?

147. "What if I have a good conversation?

148. "What if a real friendship emerges?

149. "What if Penelope Cruz's car breaks down outside

150. and she needs to stay for dinner?"

151. But then the party starts.

152. The die is cast, and everybody is a loser.

153. Why don't we have a view of the lake?

154. Paul.

155. - Not again. - What?

156. I shouldn't have this?

157. It's not the Mediterranean.

158. It's a modest lake in Pennsylvania.

159. I can't have a view of it?

160. Well, I'm very happy where we live.

161. Right, but you'd be happier here.

162. Hmm?

163. Right?

164. See? This is some bullshit.

165. This place should be mine.

166. Did I tell you I outbid him by ten grand?

167. Yeah, like a hundred times.

168. And you also told me how you showed up here with a builder

169. and told that old man that was selling the place

170. that you were going to tear down his childhood home.

171. Yeah, well, this place was a dump.

172. Still is.

173. You know, I bet Hank doesn't even know what he has.

174. But if it was mine, I would clear this path so you could get to the lake.

175. Build my deck out.

176. Lily.

177. - Oh, hi. - It's been so long.

178. - I know. - Thanks for doing this.

179. Thank you for being here.

180. This is fun.

181. Hank mentioned you, uh, had an interview at Arlyle.

182. He did?

183. Oh, I forget he talks about me sometimes.

184. I know that school.

185. They're a huge a cappella feeder.

186. Five of the 14 Whiffenpoofs.

187. - Oh, I didn't know. - Yeah.

188. So? How'd it go?

189. It went very well.

190. Um, I have an offer, actually.

191. Um, but, you know, it's very complicated right now, so.

192. But you're taking it, though, right?

193. - No. - Are you crazy?

194. I mean, um...

195. why not?

196. Well, I can't take a job in New York right now.

197. Oh...

198. That's too bad.

199. Well, congratulations anyway.

200. Thanks.

201. Excuse me.

202. So if I taste it, it's not like a stroke, it's actually in there.

203. Yeah, it's not artificial rust, it's real.

204. Oh, okay. - Real prepared rust.

205. Great. Perfect. Okay.

206. Yeah, and it is just...

207. - Oh, we're still talking about this. - ... such a magnificent animal.

208. I actually like going to the school plays of my friends' children.

209. That's gross.

210. No. The bottomless need for attention,

211. it's not yet ugly,

212. unlike adult actors.

213. Doesn't a bottomless need for attention make you feel at home?

214. Why would I think that tonight would be any different?

215. I don't know.

216. You can take the asshole out of the English department, but you can't take—

217. No. It's not going to make sense.

218. Hold on. You can't take the English department out of—

219. Nope.

220. - They can trace its lineage back to 1882. - Whoa.

221. I can't do that with my own family.

222. - Well, they hate you, so. - No.

223. Now, if June doesn't give me a baby by next year, I'm getting two.

224. That's not how babies work.

225. I'm throwing away her stupid, little cat-dogs.

226. Oh, okay.

227. You won't believe what I just heard.

228. Lily got a job offer at the Arlyle School, and she's not taking it.

229. You mean she's taking it. - Right?

230. I mean, she has to take it.

231. You know,

232. if the university really wanted to help with department morale,

233. they'd give us a stipend to keep us apart.

234. Well, maybe we should take the job.

235. We'd have a whole new set of circumstances to complain about.

236. Yeah, that's true.

237. And there's New York, of course.

238. You're not serious, are you?

239. Maybe I am.

240. Yeah, but we already talked about this.

241. Only in theory.

242. There was no offer before, so. It's real now.

243. You heard about that. Shenanigan.

244. Yeah. All right.

245. Well, um...

246. maybe we should have this conversation

247. when we're hosting a bigger event,

248. like a wedding, or a parade.

249. Okay. You're right. We'll talk about it later.

250. Well, sure,

251. but I really don't know what's going to be different.

252. Oh, hey, guys.

253. Hi. Yeah.

254. Ah.

255. You didn't mention a department dinner party.

256. I did not. I wanted you to come over.

257. Drink?

258. I think something stronger.

259. Hello. June, is it?

260. - Tony. We've met a couple of times. - Of course.

261. Hi.

262. Did I see you're giving a talk on The Hunger Games?

263. As it relates to the gladiatorial ludi.

264. I'm doing a seminar on the literature of antiquity.

265. What a perfect way to liven it up.

266. These kids and their bloodlust. Mm-hmm.

267. You know, they, uh, also respond to sex.

268. Oh?

269. Yeah. I show them everything they know about eroticism in storytelling

270. can be traced back to the etchings on the pyramids.

271. In fact, the very first Egyptian god—

272. - Atum. - Atum, that's right.

273. He created himself,

274. but he had no wife,

275. so in order to beget his children,

276. Shu and Tefnut,

277. he masturbated.

278. Good for him,

279. but from my own experience with masturbation,

280. I'm only hearing half the story.

281. Does your husband teach similar subject matter?

282. Oh, no.

283. No. He doesn't get to show his students Caligula, either.

284. And you do?

285. Yeah. Wow.

286. I wish I had some relevant porn

287. to help my students connect to philosophy,

288. but it's tough to rely on their attention spans.

289. - So tough. - Right?

290. Well, you should come to my talk.

291. I will.

292. It's a date.

293. Okay.

294. Great.

295. - You can have her, you know. - What?

296. They have an open marriage.

297. Interesting.

298. So what are the ethics of this situation?

299. Do I just hit on a married woman

300. in front of her husband without feeling badly?

301. Is that how this works?

302. No. There's a whole protocol involved.

303. How do you know this?

304. Teddy has the hots for Lily, but—

305. Let's put it down.

306. June vetoed it.

307. You know, don't sleep with the boss' wife.

308. I'm letting him think that's the only obstacle.

309. All right. Good to go?

310. Lily can't get the dream of moving to New York out of her head.

311. It's a 20-year fantasy.

312. Well, if she wants to go so bad,

313. why aren't you guys there already?

314. Because it's a fantasy.

315. She doesn't really want to go.

316. Is that what you want?

317. Are you kidding me? What do I want?

318. How the hell do I know what I want?

319. Gentlemen. - Oh.

320. Is this the same bottle of wine

321. that we've been giving each other since you got tenure?

322. The one and the same.

323. Aw, that is so sweet.

324. - I'll take it inside. - You know, I got this—

325. Good?

326. I should have been a surgeon.

327. - Yes. There we go. - Oh, missed that.

328. like redundancy...

329. Wow. Look at this feast.

330. I've got to be careful not to have too much stew.

331. Yeah. Watch your mouth.

332. Yeah. Hmm.

333. So, Lil.

334. Congratulations on the job.

335. Oh, June's been talking.

336. Well, it sounds like an opportunity too impossible to pass up.

337. - Thank you, Paul. - Right?

338. Well, listen, guys, um,

339. if you're headed to New York, I'm still interested in this place.

340. You're still— We've lived here for 18 years.

341. Eighteen?

342. No one should live in the same place for 18 years.

343. We'll keep that in mind.

344. But we're not going anywhere.

345. All right. All right.

346. All right. Yeah. Um, but, uh, you know, I'll make you a nice offer.

347. - Ah. Got it. - I'll go 5% over market value.

348. Honey, they said no.

349. You'll need every penny in New York.

350. Those places are for real.

351. Yeah, but we're not selling, right?

352. Just 'cause you get an offer for something doesn't mean that you have to—

353. Wait. Wait. Wait, wait. We were going to talk about it later, right?

354. So we'll get back to you.

355. Wha— Wait. What?

356. Whoa! Cosmo down!

357. Here I come.

358. I'm sorry, Lily.

359. Hey, June.

360. Tony.

361. I heard that you—

362. - What? - Well, uh, what did I hear?

363. What was it?

364. That— What are you into? What's your jam?

365. What is my jam?

366. Um, uh, we hike, a lot.

367. Mm, no. That wasn't it.

368. Hey.

369. Hey. Hi. That's your husband right here.

370. There you go. - There he is, and that's his drink.

371. So that's great.

372. Um, we were just talking about hiking,

373. and, um, if you had any great routes,

374. or other interests completely different from hiking.

375. I'm super interested in all—

376. Let's just stick to hiking, because that's a great—

377. Oh. No, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

378. We took a great hike through Jasper Park.

379. - Jasper. - Yeah, yeah. Enter in through the south side,

380. and keep taking the center trail.

381. Great.

382. - Yeah. It's beautiful. - Oh, yeah, great.

383. Um, and when you do hiking...

384. do you— is it just the two of you hiking

385. when you hike... together?

386. Or sometimes, like, you hike separately.

387. Or is there, like, a club? Do you go—

388. Do you do hiking with other hikers and people?

389. Are you asking us out?

390. June. Just June.

391. You didn't have to pretend you were interested in our hiking routes.

392. Sorry. Although I am a hiker myself, and appreciate suggestions.

393. Hey. Can I ask you something?

394. Hmm?

395. - Do you think Lily's going to take that job? - Yeah.

396. Oh, I thought— Um, I don't know.

397. Um, maybe? She wants to.

398. I thought for sure she'd take it.

399. Yeah. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.

400. Why wouldn't she, right?

401. Yeah. So the conversation we were having before this one...

402. Yeah. You were flirting with my wife.

403. Yeah.

404. So, did I cross a boundary,

405. or am I within the framework?

406. And if so, are we talking something happening?

407. 'Cause that would be pretty fantastic.

408. We'll get back to you.

409. Okay.

410. Fair enough.

411. Good, well, good.

412. I look forward to your response.

413. - Cheers. - Don't do that.

414. Did he just bow 'cause I'm Asian?

415. I think that was a bow, yeah.

416. I love Jack Nicholson in Chinatown.

417. And, you know,

418. Faye Dunaway is so beautiful in that movie.

419. Oh, my gosh, I know.

420. I could just watch her for... forever.

421. So tragic. Yeah. I mean, I could—

422. I could watch her read the telephone book because...

423. - Who couldn't? - ... she's so delightful.

424. Do you know that Robert Towne

425. didn't even want the last line to be,

426. "Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown."

427. - That's the best line. - It's the best line!

428. Did you guys ever finish your argument about Pinocchio?

429. Well, "argument" is a little strong.

430. Interpretation is, by its nature,

431. a bit of a sticky wicket.

432. What were the issues again?

433. Oh, yeah. It's racist,

434. and it's filled with allusions

435. to child slavery

436. and demented Christian ideology.

437. Yeah, except it's not.

438. I'm being published in The Atlantic!

439. - Oh. - They're— They're publishing me!

440. - That's wonderful. - Congratulations. That's—

441. Congratulations. - Yeah, so are you okay?

442. Yay.

443. Wonderful.

444. I need a minute.

445. I've never been that excited

446. about anything in my entire life.

447. Yay, Gracie.

448. That includes my wedding,

449. the birth of my child,

450. and my first orgasm.

451. Is that for real?

452. Can you imagine that in bed?

453. I'm canceling my subscription to The Atlantic.

454. Yeah.

455. A billion dollars could fall on top of me,

456. and, you know, toss in world peace,

457. and my reaction would be, "Good."

458. Gracie! Gracie!

459. There's either something wrong with her,

460. or me,

461. or, with overwhelming odds,

462. humanity in general.

463. I did it, Daddy.

464. Yes!

465. I mean, I had, like,

466. one and a half tequila sunrises by then.

467. I wasn't in the best position to...

468. "Hey, Ash told me

469. she said that I'm 'jizzing' for you.

470. "You're married. I get it.

471. "I'm sorry a thousand times again for you know what.

472. "Please know that, as you make this decision,

473. don't think that I'm going to just be making constant passes at you.

474. "This is just the job, I swear."

475. Check your texts.

476. Okay. This is silly.

477. I mean, it's not— It's something that I need to tell you,

478. but it's nothing.

479. It's like— It's less than nothing.

480. I'm listening.

481. Okay. So in New York, Tom— You know, he tried to kiss me.

482. Or, I mean, he did kiss me.

483. I pushed him away. I got really mad at him.

484. He said that he was joking, which I'm sure that he was.

485. I just don't know where his head was fully.

486. That does sound like nothing,

487. so let's just forget about it.

488. Okay. Thank you.

489. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you when I got home.

490. The stew's ready.

491. It's certainly understood that the first poem in The Atlantic

492. is nothing more than an amuse-bouche.

493. But to be offered page 72, an early part of the magazine,

494. I was thrilled already, but when I found out that I was the second poem—

495. - Stew? - ... or anything after 60,

496. page 14, page 97...

497. that's where Billy Preston was—

498. This can't happen. She should have her own place.

499. She's my mother.

500. Why not? - You can't do that with mothers.

501. Stew? Yes. She can't switch houses.

502. House, house, house. The woman can't stay with us.

503. - Stew? - Is that plate for June?

504. I can serve June. That's okay.

505. - ... donkey-headed boys... - Stew?

506. are a metaphor for child slavery.

507. I broke your damn toilet, Spanky.

508. Serve yourself.

509. She loves me. It's just a job.

510. She loves me. It's just a job.

511. She loves me. It's just a job.

512. We can work it out.

513. We will work it out.

514. Hey, Julie.

515. Uh, yeah. Something is wrong.

516. It's Mom.

517. She's leaving us.

518. all covered in cheese.

519. I mean, I would say I'm—

520. Hey, everyone.

521. Thank you for coming.

522. Every year,

523. the university gives us a small budget to get together,

524. which is very kind of them.

525. Or cruel, depending on the year.

526. This year, it's kind,

527. because, um,

528. I get a chance to say in front of people

529. how proud I am of my wife.

530. Lily got an amazing job opportunity

531. at a very respected school in New York.

532. Many of you already know.

533. It's wonderful, and I just wanted to, uh,

534. show her my appreciation. To Lily.

535. - To Lily! - To Lily!

536. Thank you. I appreciate that.

537. It's something I'm very excited about, so.

538. - As well you should be. - So, what about the house, then?

539. It's an incredible— Wait a second. Wait a second.

540. Like, she got the job, and he's going?

541. Spanky's going to New York?

542. It's not your concern.

543. Well, it does affect us quite a bit.

544. - Does it? - How so?

545. You know exactly how so, you twits.

546. Well, we haven't made a decision,

547. so it's not going to affect you tonight.

548. Oh, come on, Hank. You have to go.

549. A path has opened up for Lily.

550. It's just...

551. It happened for a reason.

552. How can they take it?

553. Hank's qualified for nothing.

554. What's he gonna do?

555. Play sax in the subway?

556. Thank you, Billie.

557. He's a writer.

558. He can go to one of those stupid coffee shops

559. and be one of those cliches, you know.

560. He'd love that.

561. That sounds nice.

562. Yeah, it does sound nice.

563. No, actually.

564. Well, the poem that I wrote,

565. the one that's coming out in The Atlantic?

566. "The Seven Sisters of Tobias".

567. I wrote that in the city.

568. I'm just— I'm so stimulated there.

569. You can take a walk on the High Line,

570. or just stroll through the Village

571. with the ghost of Allen Ginsberg.

572. - Have you ever been to New York? - Ha!

573. Hank, if you were to leave in the middle of term,

574. would the Chair just go to the next person in rotation,

575. or would we have to take a vote?

576. - That's a great question. Yeah. - How would that work?

577. How's everyone liking the stew tonight?

578. I ground my own paprika.

579. Oh, it's very good. Yeah, delicious.

580. - That's good. Yeah. - It tastes the same.

581. Hi, everyone.

582. - Hey. - Oh, hey.

583. - Hi, Julie. - Um, can I talk to you?

584. Now? Like, right now?

585. Yeah.

586. Okay.

587. - Do you want more? - Yes, please.

588. Anybody want a refresher?

589. - Yes. - Yeah.

590. Hank— No.

591. So, um, how are we—

592. How are we doing?

593. How we doin', you know? How are we doing?

594. Uh, do you guys, like, after, do you talk about it?

595. Like, what was touched and untouched?

596. I would cool it down a bit.

597. Teddy doesn't like desperate men for me.

598. Jesus. Desperate?

599. Hank.

600. Hank?

601. I think we need an answer to June's question.

602. It's only fair.

603. Ask Emma.

604. What? Why am I the only one who has read the bylaws?

605. It's, like, three pages.

606. No. You know what? I'm not telling you.

607. Emma, please. We need to know.

608. Emma, those are a very difficult three pages.

609. It's very dry stuff.

610. Oh, God. All right. Fine.

611. If the chair needs to leave his position due to force majeure,

612. the position goes into rotation and no vote is needed.

613. - Force majeure? - Mm-hmm.

614. Oh.

615. Since when is moving to New York an act of God?

616. A job at the Arlyle School is an act of God.

617. Do you know five of the 14 Whiffenpoofs went there?

618. That's a lot of Whiffenpoofs.

619. You're all doing my note.

620. Please stop doing this...

621. Please stop doing this.

622. Where in New York do you think you'd want to live?

623. Well, actually, I've thought about this.

624. We love Brooklyn,

625. particularly Greenpoint and Williamsburg.

626. - Oh, yes. - Right?

627. Um, of course, my commute would be much better from the Upper West Side,

628. but we'd probably never be able to afford that.

629. Well, you could if you...

630. - I hate it when you get like this. - Listen.

631. Selling you this place would barely cover the down payment

632. on a place in New York.

633. They did mention a moving stipend,

634. but you're right, Paul. We could use some extra money.

635. And, um,

636. the good news is that we also own the plot right next to ours.

637. Also not for sale.

638. I'd be very interested in an offer, Paul.

639. Is it a large plot?

640. Is it larger than this one?

641. For God's sake. What is wrong with you?

642. Can you ever be happy with what is?

643. She'll cool off.

644. Hey, Hank. I'll give you 10% over market value.

645. It's not for sale any time soon.

646. Well, I just had a very interesting conversation with our daughter,

647. and she says that, um, she's coming with me.

648. Oh!

649. She and her husband have flexible work situations.

650. - Oh, that's nice. - And she mentioned that you, Hank,

651. recently suggested that she move to a city with more opportunities.

652. Oh, there you go.

653. I guess we're going to need a bigger place.

654. Well, this sounds like good news all around.

655. - Win-win-win. - No, no, no.

656. Look. Look.

657. We're not making a decision right here, not with this group.

658. So let's go back to our usual awful, awkward conversation that we're all so good at.

659. All right? Because nothing is happening.

660. But something is happening.

661. Well, nothing's happening right now.

662. Julie just happened right now.

663. It appears that the situation is evolving in real time.

664. Julie isn't going anywhere.

665. That's not up to you, is it?

666. I'm not going.

667. I'm...

668. going to stay here,

669. even if you go.

670. Okay? So how's that for a decision made right now?

671. Hank, you know what, I think I can taste the paprika.

672. It's much fresher.

673. Yeah, it's a fresher taste. - Yeah.

674. Hits you more, yeah.

675. Let's play a game. Oh, yes! That's a great idea!

676. Do you remember how we used to all play Celebrity?

677. I'll certainly never forget the time that Paul didn't know who Andrea Dworkin was.

678. Lily, where do you keep the pencils and the paper?

679. No. This game is called "Percentage Of Happiness".

680. Oh!

681. Goodness.

682. I do not think that I know that game.

683. I think I played that game once.

684. I was at a book reading with Johnny Franzen—

685. It's a really simple game.

686. So, how you play is you answer this question—

687. "What percentage of happiness am I?"

688. Oh.

689. And, "What percentage of happiness is so low

690. that you should be willing to make a change?"

691. Oh. - We'll just go around the room.

692. Gracie, do you want to kick us off?

693. Oh. Um, yes. Okay.

694. Um, well, um,

695. as you know, I'm having a very good day, so I think I would, um—

696. Oh, I— I would put myself at, um, oh...

697. 95% happiness!

698. Wow.

699. And when would I make a change?

700. Um, oh, I don't know. Um—

701. - Would you just— - 60%!

702. Mm... Yeah, 60%. 60%.

703. All right. I would, uh—

704. That's very interesting. What about you, Hank?

705. Oh, wait. Actually, I already know the answer to the first question.

706. You told me a while ago.

707. I believe it was 20.

708. You are 20% happy.

709. Oh.

710. That does sound pretty low, Spanky.

711. No, that's high for him. - That does sound like Hank.

712. So question number two:

713. what percentage would you have to drop down to in order to make a change?

714. Ten?

715. Or...

716. zero?

717. Or would you just slide right down into the negatives?

718. A little wine, hey?

719. Or no?

720. You know, guys. I've been thinking about it,

721. and I think this just isn't me.

722. For no real reason.

723. It was fun imagining what might be,

724. but I'm going to have to respectfully bow out.

725. Oh. Are you sure?

726. Oh, come on.

727. Honey...

728. sorry I brought Julie into this.

729. It was childish of me.

730. I didn't handle it well.

731. No, you didn't.

732. You take that great job,

733. and I'll keep my shitty job.

734. Come out here when you can,

735. and I'll go into the city,

736. make it work.

737. "Marriage is sweeter, sweeter than you think, think."

738. Anne Waldman. Indeed.

739. - "Stereo". - Mm-hmm.

740. Very nice.

741. You know, there was a period of time

742. where Teddy and I were long distance,

743. and it actually strengthened our marriage.

744. - Yeah. - That's nice to hear.

745. We developed a different foundation

746. for our own unique relationship,

747. and it made us closer than before.

748. Best decision we ever made.

749. Best decision.

750. I mean, there are days I want to punch him in the face.

751. Don't get me wrong.

752. When I go on about my research.

753. Funny story.

754. You want to hear a story?

755. I have the best long-distance relationship story ever.

756. And don't worry. It's not about me wanting your house.

757. I've mentioned my first wife, Barbara, right?

758. Uh, God rest her soul.

759. Well, she and I met in college,

760. freshman year,

761. and it was just supposed to be one of those hook-ups.

762. Damn, she was fine.

763. Yeah. We went to her room that first night, and guess what?

764. I never left.

765. I, uh, spent my freshman year sharing a single bed with her.

766. She was the one who introduced me to poetry.

767. Oh.

768. We would, uh, recite Blake to each other.

769. We never spent one night apart for all four years of college,

770. and we got married right after.

771. Had a destination wedding like a couple of jerks.

772. Tuscany, for God's sakes.

773. Well, we didn't get into the same PhD program, though.

774. The closest we could get to each other was a 12-hour drive.

775. I went to Chapel Hill and she went to Chicago.

776. And I just remember missing her so much

777. that I decided to go visit her that first weekend.

778. I didn't have a car,

779. so I decided to put up some flyers to get a ride,

780. and I got one from this woman

781. who was visiting this guy down there,

782. and we talk in the car...

783. and it is...

784. the most interesting, brilliant ride of my life.

785. Everything she says.

786. She made the trip feel like a hot-air balloon ride.

787. Ooh.

788. I thought I knew what love was,

789. but I was just learning.

790. I thought I had found my person,

791. but I was fooling myself.

792. She dropped me off at Barbara's.

793. I took one look at her, and I...

794. I asked for a divorce.

795. Now that I knew what love really felt like...

796. I had to.

797. I went back outside.

798. I... I didn't know how I was going to find her,

799. but guess who was still there in the car, waiting.

800. Yes! Come on.

801. We've been together ever since.

802. Yes.

803. Quite a story.

804. That's a divorce story.

805. You should go with her, Spanky.

806. Before she finds her Joanie.

807. I already found my Joanie.

808. You never really know about people.

809. No.

810. I know my wife.

811. I know Lily.

812. We don't have secrets.

813. We tell each other everything right away.

814. That's right. We do.

815. Where does Tom live again?

816. Mm.

817. I think he lives in Greenpoint.

818. Who's Tom?

819. Uh, he's Lily's old boyfriend.

820. Oh. - Mm-hmm.

821. Since we're talking about this again,

822. I actually have a friend who lives in the East Village

823. who might be looking for a roommate.

824. She's super cool. She's an adjunct at NYU.

825. That sounds really interesting. I'd like to talk to her.

826. - Okay. - Or you could just live with Tom.

827. I don't want to live with Tom.

828. Well, it's just an idea.

829. Just a suggestion.

830. Where is the school exactly?

831. It's in the west 40s.

832. - Oh. - Do you have any old boyfriends there?

833. Okay. Let's go.

834. Let's go into the kitchen. My kitchen?

835. How is Tom's wife, by the way?

836. They're separated, actually.

837. Oh! Really?

838. Come with me. Right now.

839. You know, I'm not going.

840. No one's keeping you here, Hank, so why don't you go ahead and—

841. Hank.

842. Go. Support your wife.

843. Are you going to vote me out?

844. That worked real well last time you tried.

845. Easy, Spanky.

846. Easy? If I go, he's next on the rotation.

847. So who are they going to get rid of?

848. Hey. Nobody's getting rid of anybody. Yeah.

849. Dickie Pope will have his redundancy, so who's it going to be?

850. Gun to your head, pick one right now!

851. I'm not playing this game.

852. The game of having two poetry professors?

853. - I was just published! - This is not the place for this.

854. Maybe we should just change topics.

855. June is very wise.

856. Why aren't you coming with me?

857. My life is here!

858. Your life could move.

859. My mom is here.

860. You aren't talking to her.

861. - Julie is here. - Julie is a grown woman that—

862. I am here!

863. Okay?

864. I stayed. I'm here.

865. Look. You might not be coming with me, but you are not here either.

866. Why do you want to leave me so badly?

867. How hard is it for you to understand that this is not about you?

868. Leaving me isn't about me?

869. Going to New York for a job?

870. It isn't about me?

871. It doesn't matter.

872. What do you mean it doesn't matter? Tell me? What is it?

873. What can we do to make you stay?

874. Nothing. Nothing at all.

875. Laurel!

876. Just go. Just go.

877. Come on, man.

878. I'm fine. I'm fine.

879. Lily made cookies.

880. Oh, God!

881. Celebrity, right? Celebrity.

882. Celebrity.

883. Peter Fonda!

884. It's just a wild guess.

885. Easy Rider?

886. Who wants to drive me home?

887. I'll drive you home. - Okay.

888. Good night.

889. Thank you.

890. - Good night. - Good night.

891. Teddy.

892. He'll be back to how he always is tomorrow.

893. Okay? Tomorrow.

894. Thanks, Lily.

895. Something else about that night my father walked away.

896. He called out for my mom.

897. "Laurel! Office!"

898. And she came in.

899. And she knelt down beside me,

900. she took the rope from around my neck,

901. and she hugged me, and then she said,

902. "We won't ever talk about this again."

903. And I doubt I ever will.

904. Let's go to bed.