Lucky Hank 1x2

1. Form, content, both of these play a part,

2. but what do you think is more important?

3. Well, I think form should follow content, always,

4. but, you know,

5. sometimes, form can be its own kind of content.

6. Right, right, so interesting.

7. Now, let me take a moment to ask a more prosaic question.

8. How did you each get published?

9. Well, I slept with his father.

10. Ah!

11. Right there,

12. the secret to success, ladies and gentlemen.

13. A more prosaic question.

14. How did you each get published?

15. Well, I slept with his father.

16. Ah!

17. Right there,

18. the secret to success, ladies and gentlemen.

19. That's how you play the game.

20. I'm not doing it.

21. Of course you are.

22. - No. - Hank!

23. No, I don't see the value of it.

24. In having a live, onstage conversation with George Saunders?

25. - No. - Booker Prize-winning George Saunders?

26. British prize. Very pretentious.

27. Also a finalist for the National Book Award.

28. Mm...

29. Named one of the 100 most influential people by Time magazine.

30. Time magazine isn't what it used to be.

31. He had a MacArthur Fellowship.

32. I have kidney stones, so we're even.

33. I'm sorry about the kidney stones.

34. Take your pills. I have some if you want.

35. But there are other issues.

36. With the impending budget cuts,

37. it's distasteful to be paying this guy 10 grand for a one-hour talk.

38. Ten grand, I wish. What, 20 grand?

39. Thirty? Fifty? For Christ sakes!

40. This was settled weeks ago.

41. Why are you bringing this up now?

42. I'm concerned that I might accidentally say something

43. really consistent with my personality,

44. but inconsistent with a modern college campus.

45. - That's valid. - Yeah.

46. And I don't want to talk you

47. into doing anything that you don't want to do.

48. He didn't want you either. But the public at large does.

49. Wait, what did you just say?

50. He— he wants you to be okay with this

51. because he's okay with this.

52. Why wouldn't he be okay with this?

53. Look, Hank, I spoke on the phone with him.

54. When he gets here, you guys chat.

55. You're old friends, right?

56. I know that. What did you tell him?

57. I told him you'd be honored.

58. I am honored, but I still want out.

59. - No. - Why not?

60. Because there's thousands of posters plastered all over campus,

61. and I know that you're gonna be great at this

62. because there's not a fiction writer within 50 miles

63. who's in your league,

64. and everyone knows that, and you're our guy.

65. Get Finny to do it.

66. Finny will ask a question for 45 minutes

67. and it won't even be a question.

68. - Well, who is it? - What?

69. The writer outside of 50 miles of here?

70. Okay! Get out of here.

71. You get to a certain age

72. and you lose all faith in experts.

73. I know how well I do my job,

74. and to think others are working at the same level—

75. that's completely unacceptable—

76. especially doctors.

77. I'm not denying your symptoms,

78. but their cause isn't kidney stones.

79. And as a teacher,

80. I see through guys like this.

81. I mean, he was right in the middle of his class—

82. maybe in the bottom third.

83. in excruciating pain.

84. I'm looking at a B-minus assessment

85. of my medical problems.

86. I mean, I'm sweating.

87. I almost pass out during racquetball.

88. I think you're ignoring some obvious facts.

89. My father had kidney stones.

90. You've mentioned.

91. And his father did.

92. You don't want kidney stones.

93. Little monsters with jagged edges

94. that can tear the lining off your penis.

95. Jesus.

96. What... did you really need—

97. You know what?

98. If it's not too much trouble, I think I want a second opinion.

99. - What about you? - She's not a radiologist.

100. She's not allowed to evaluate results.

101. It could be due to stress.

102. That's your go-to, right? All doctors say that.

103. I rarely say that.

104. You have the floor.

105. She's not going to contradict me.

106. Okay, I guess you've thought of everything.

107. So you're saying

108. there's no way that this could be stress?

109. It's embarrassing.

110. We started on the same level.

111. In fact, I think I was better regarded,

112. for about 10 days.

113. My book review was on a Wednesday,

114. and then the sales figures came in the next Thursday,

115. so eight days.

116. Eight days.

117. Hank, you...

118. you're sharing the stage with him.

119. Yeah. The last time I did that, it sucked.

120. It's an honor.

121. There's a fine line between honor

122. and "I wish I never met that dickhead."

123. What is it about writing that attracts so many dickheads?

124. I mean, somehow, the need to tell everyone about your rich inner life

125. it's irresistible,

126. but why would anyone care

127. about somebody else's rich inner life?

128. Have a rich outer life for the rest of us to enjoy.

129. "The warm wood on her forearms."

130. Oh!

131. Oh, yeah, I did use that.

132. I'm so sorry. I plagiarized myself.

133. No, no, no, no, no. No.

134. Don't pass judgement.

135. You just...

136. you have to press yourself.

137. You have to think past the images that you already own so that—

138. That's the way—

139. Why don't we take three minutes?

140. I swear I don't even remember writing that.

141. Dickhead.

142. I don't understand why you don't just talk to him.

143. Professor Rourke

144. is not the kind of man who responds to reason,

145. especially not from someone like me.

146. Hmm.

147. He's a misogynist, isn't he?

148. Sometimes, the male brain isn't developed enough to understand its cruelty.

149. He bullies you.

150. Right here.

151. - George. - Hank.

152. Hey, man, thanks for inviting me.

153. Yeah.

154. My students are so excited,

155. they've been talking about nothing else for weeks.

156. I mean, they can't believe that I actually know you.

157. Oh.

158. Well, my students can't believe I know you.

159. Your students don't know who I am, do they?

160. A couple do. You know, I told them about you.

161. Oh, okay.

162. I gotta introduce you to the department

163. or they'll kill me.

164. "I am not exactly dressed for standing on the moon,

165. which, as I understand it, is super cold."

166. That's from my New Yorker—

167. Your victory lap, yeah, New Yorker, October 2009.

168. - Yeah. - Yeah.

169. - Well, thanks. - Oh...

170. Your editor's wife is our friend's sister.

171. Oh. Well.

172. How's your hotel?

173. I take it they have you at the Moderna Center?

174. No, it was all full.

175. There's a field hockey team staying there.

176. Big game tonight.

177. Oh.

178. Yeah, they have me at The Drake, which is really lovely.

179. Although there's a crane outside my window,

180. and I had a dream last night of a talking wrecking ball,

181. and it said I was going to be late for the presentation,

182. that I suck, that nobody likes me, like...

183. Grace DuBois.

184. Oh, nice to meet you.

185. You must leave there at once. Come stay with me.

186. - We have a guest room. - I have a guest house!

187. You do not.

188. It's above the garage. You've seen it.

189. It sounds lovely, but I—

190. But there's no lock strong enough to make you feel secure.

191. It even has its own fridge—

192. and a hot plate if you are a tea drinker.

193. I'm so sorry.

194. They have me on a bit of a schedule,

195. but I hope to see you all at the talk later.

196. Yes, yes.

197. I might make it. I have stuff to do.

198. I hope you can come by.

199. I probably won't be there.

200. All right, well, I'll just, I'll walk you out.

201. Yeah.

202. "Charming eagles was a family trait.

203. He didn't know how he did it,

204. he just looked at them

205. and thought about them crashing into a cliff's face.

206. The white-chested eagle,

207. commanded by a mysterious force it didn't understand,

208. smashed itself."

209. Interesting.

210. Should I read more?

211. No, no.

212. - Go ahead. - Uh, okay, thanks.

213. Um, yeah, you're always escalating.

214. I love that.

215. That's a very rare thing,

216. and it seems to come very naturally to you.

217. Yeah, yeah, it does.

218. So we want to enforce escalation,

219. even on the line level.

220. If the eagle has a white chest,

221. we can assume the reader already knows that, right?

222. Cut.

223. And if the force is mysterious,

224. do we need to say the eagle didn't understand?

225. That's implied. Cut.

226. You know, and a lot of this is just habitual.

227. Yeah, he's just saying edit yourself.

228. Yes, but if you want to be excellent,

229. you have to reject the habitual.

230. That is where mediocrity lives,

231. in the habitual.

232. That is how you will distinguish yourself from other writers

233. and start to sound more like you.

234. Holy shit.

235. Uh, yeah, I kinda always knew

236. there was this whole other level,

237. but just didn't know how to get there

238. because no one ever really taught me how to do that before, but—

239. Okay, that's enough.

240. That's good from you... We do have other...

241. You know, we're almost out of time.

242. I have plenty of time, actually.

243. Well, we're running out of time.

244. Are you sure? I thought you said we had—

245. Yeah, my watch—

246. I don't know if you—

247. It's earlier than you said it would be.

248. I'd like a word, Paul.

249. - Paul. - You don't have to say my name every time you talk to me.

250. I've spoken to you about the loudness of your car—

251. There's nothing wrong with my car.

252. before— and nothing has changed.

253. Or ever will change.

254. It disrupts my class.

255. Huh.

256. Not more than your teaching.

257. How did you get like this?

258. What mis-turn did you take?

259. I am allowed to drive the car that I want.

260. I'm allowed to take care of it,

261. and it likes to be revved.

262. It's good at it.

263. What I don't understand

264. is how anyone has come to think

265. that they have the right not to be impacted by others.

266. How about that wrong turn?

267. Basic consideration wouldn't kill you.

268. Well, it so happens that I am an at-risk individual

269. with regards to basic consideration.

270. I can't risk it.

271. "Paul..."

272. "Paul..."

273. Why'd you say that to George?

274. - Do you think he noticed? - Yeah.

275. Oh...

276. I don't know why I do this.

277. It's only people I admire, you know.

278. Rude stuff just comes out.

279. Mm.

280. - You want some advice? - From you? no.

281. Ah! Sorry.

282. I'm like a freight train that can't stop with insults.

283. Excuse me, is Myrna here?

284. Myrna.

285. Professor Du-Boise.

286. Green Subaru Outback, RBG bumper sticker.

287. Green Outback, RBG bumper sticker.

288. If I remember correctly, Myrna,

289. you...

290. are a top-shelf tequila gal,

291. am I right?

292. Flannery O'Connor said,

293. "If you live till you're 10 years old,

294. you'll have enough to write about for a lifetime."

295. Do you think that's true?

296. Uh, I think it's true, but it would not be a very good story.

297. Does art have to be so painful?

298. I mean, do we all have to end up

299. like "van Goch"...

300. with an ear missing?

301. Uh, it's van Gogh in this room.

302. So, Jack Kerouac wrote "On the Road"

303. on this long, continuous, teletype scroll.

304. What sort of paper do you write on?

305. Uh...

306. I just use a computer.

307. Well, I guess we have time for one last question.

308. Yep.

309. Yeah, Mr. Saunders,

310. if there was one piece of advice that stood out above others

311. to help us become the writers that we want to be,

312. what...

313. what would it be?

314. Well, I'd say trust that your taste is good.

315. Have that good taste exert itself onto your prose.

316. Then just write every day.

317. Just write.

318. Maybe that's my problem.

319. I've been doing the once-every-decade method.

320. No, actually, thank you for that, 'cause that's awesome.

321. Even great writers get stuck.

322. That's just part of it.

323. I hate my first draft,

324. but I love it

325. because it leads to my second draft and my third draft.

326. It's all part of the process.

327. Hank?

328. What keeps you from writing?

329. Lunch.

330. We have that lunch...

331. - Oh, right. - Lunch.

332. Thank you so much.

333. Thank you, guys. You're all amazing.

334. So exciting.

335. I think I learned more in that one hour than I have all year.

336. It's— it's just frustrating, you know?

337. 'Cause, like, now I know

338. what it's like to sit in a classroom

339. with a great teacher who's— who's totally engaged,

340. and, like, really— really trying with me,

341. and, like, putting in effort and listening and...

342. and after I've experienced that,

343. it's like...

344. I don't want to go back to Devereaux's class.

345. I don't want to go back without you.

346. Well, I'm going to be going back, Lester. That's not my point.

347. Maybe if you spent more time on your writing

348. than fighting with your teachers,

349. your stories wouldn't suck so bad.

350. The fact that you don't understand them just proves their value to me.

351. I heard your family donated a building to Notre Dame

352. and you still didn't get in.

353. Everyone's heard that story, Solange, okay? It's boring.

354. Just like your stories.

355. Oh, next time, I'll add necrophilia.

356. "You'll know when true excellence presents itself

357. because the mediocre

358. will be in confederacy against that person."

359. I'm paraphrasing the Confederacy of Dunces

360. to make a point about excellence,

361. something I think we should all be entitled to,

362. no matter who we are or where we're from.

363. Is this a club or something?

364. I'm just trying to eat my lunch.

365. This is not a club.

366. Maybe it is.

367. You're right, maybe it is.

368. That was interesting.

369. It's a public space, I can be as interesting as I want.

370. I'm Ellen's roommate, Ava.

371. Okay, Ellen's roommate, Ava.

372. And, um, you went to East Lake Country Day

373. with my brother, but he was a year younger.

374. Brooks Noon?

375. Uh, yeah, sure, Brooksy, yeah.

376. - I'm Bartow. - I know.

377. So what do we do now?

378. No, I'm certain it was at Bread Loaf,

379. and we went into town to get dinner,

380. and at the bar,

381. Colum McCann was singing songs with the locals—

382. I'm sorry, what was that back there?

383. What?

384. When you put me on the spot about not writing.

385. No...

386. Wait, you brought it up, so I...

387. It just seemed a little hostile.

388. Hostile?

389. I mean... Hank, maybe you're being a little sensitive?

390. I...

391. I'm fine, just...

392. Jacob Rose told me

393. that you said that this might be a problem here.

394. What? No. No, I... no, that's not...

395. I didn't want to impose on you.

396. I didn't know if you wanted to do it.

397. I am thrilled to be here.

398. I haven't seen you in 30 years, and I'm just...

399. I'm really glad you're doing it.

400. Okay.

401. I'm... I'm excited, too.

402. This— this is going to be fun.

403. What is this guy up to?

404. I'm pretty sure it's short-story writing.

405. Yeah, well, he's acting really weird.

406. Oh, no, let's not add salmon

407. because it's the only thing that you like at Nora's.

408. We're eating there tonight?

409. Tomorrow night. We are.

410. Because...

411. Because?

412. Julie and Russell want to have dinner with us

413. because, in their words, they have news.

414. They have news?

415. - They have news. - That's code for...

416. I missed the window.

417. What window?

418. The window.

419. Young dependent grown, before new dependent arrives.

420. You know, a distractionless window in which to write.

421. Maybe just try the window between waking and going to work.

422. And you're happy about this?

423. Mm.

424. I'm adjusting to the idea, with modification.

425. I looked up how to say "grandma"

426. in every single language.

427. Swahili is "Bibi", which is pretty cute.

428. I mean, I think George just hit a nerve.

429. Why you don't write?

430. You ask me why I don't write?

431. Hey, hey, 'cause I got two jobs, okay?

432. I'm a teacher and I run that department,

433. and you know my co-workers are pains in the ass, right?

434. Also, I actively raised our daughter with you, right?

435. And now I'm going to be a grandfather.

436. Knowing Julie,

437. that's going to be a third full-time job.

438. She's gonna want me there—

439. You think they're gonna want you to raise the baby?

440. I've been waiting for this. Stop it.

441. You're spinning out of— Just stop it.

442. Stop exaggerating.

443. You do write.

444. You started something a few weeks ago. Go write that.

445. Hello. Hi, Mr. Nerhand.

446. Thank you for getting back to me.

447. That table's reserved.

448. For who?

449. For guests.

450. Don't you have an office or something?

451. Oh, yeah.

452. My office is not for work.

453. It's to gather with friends,

454. where all my cares and responsibilities can slip away.

455. Why is it to fun to draw a dick?

456. I mean, am I wrong to think we all like doing it?

457. I know I do.

458. Yeah, you can come, just don't stuff your pockets with cheese.

459. Okay.

460. Maybe because there's no wrong way to do it.

461. I mean, all dicks are different.

462. That's how we should identify each other.

463. Forget face recognition.

464. Unlock your phone with your dick.

465. I mean, you've already got it in your pocket, so it's right there.

466. So...

467. when's the last time you saw him?

468. This morning.

469. He's obviously very featured in my dissertation.

470. He was?

471. You jerk, you didn't read it.

472. I skimmed it.

473. Fair enough, boss. I only skimmed your novel.

474. In light of the conflict

475. that I've been having with Professor Devereaux,

476. we want to form the Excellence Committee.

477. It's a group of students, like us,

478. that aim to both celebrate excellence

479. where we find it,

480. and discourage everything that is less than.

481. Look, there's a process for starting new clubs

482. that usually does not involve me in any way.

483. I'm sure my assistant, Jill, could steer you all in the right direction.

484. I am the Dean of Faculty.

485. Right, well, this concerns the faculty, that's why we chose you.

486. Some of the faculty are intentionally resisting being better,

487. and it's affecting us as students.

488. We want to create a system of incentives and deterrents

489. to hold them accountable.

490. Bartow...

491. I understand

492. that it's difficult to move on

493. from this incident that you had with Professor Devereaux.

494. No, it's not, because I am past it. I'm over it.

495. It's over.

496. He's the one who won't apologize to me.

497. Needing an apology is really not moving past it.

498. If we had the Excellence Committee,

499. I wouldn't need the apology.

500. I can give you a common room twice a week for an hour,

501. I'll buy the pizza,

502. and you can have access to the photocopy machine.

503. Yes!

504. Hey! What are you doing!

505. Put her back down!

506. Put her down!

507. Hey, you! You! Stop doing that!

508. Get away from there!

509. Do you know how many professors had to die for me to get this spot?

510. Four! Four professors! And two of them suffered!

511. Here you go.

512. I was thinking about the 92nd Street Y thing that we did.

513. Kinda jogged a memory.

514. Oh, I loved that night.

515. That was the first night that I met your father,

516. at the reception after.

517. Yeah, we kept in touch for years.

518. We wrote letters.

519. You did?

520. Yeah. Yeah, it was so illuminating and stimulating,

521. and it pushed me.

522. I don't think I'd be the writer I am

523. without his influence.

524. Me neither.

525. Where's Gracie?

526. Gracie! Are you here, Gracie?

527. Or are you too chickenshit to face me?

528. I'm standing right here, Paul.

529. You took my parking spot?

530. I took nothing.

531. You should have paid your parking tickets.

532. I am a tenured professor of the English Department of Railton College.

533. I deserve a parking spot and the freedom

534. to rev my car's engine whenever I see fit!

535. - Are you done, Paul? - Not even close.

536. You have no right.

537. You are a cruel, petty, vindictive woman.

538. I liked "Tenth of December".

539. Come on, come on.

540. Maybe all my father's cheating

541. was an attempt to ejaculate out his kidney stones.

542. It seems like it's the same tube.

543. Phew, that was something.

544. Oh, trust me, that was nothing.

545. You know, I do write.

546. To-do lists, grocery lists.

547. Important texts.

548. Yeah, very important.

549. Meaningful. Moving, even.

550. I just haven't written a second novel.

551. Look, Hank, I...

552. I shouldn't have asked you that question in class.

553. That was— that was stupid.

554. Don't worry about it.

555. No, actually, it's not okay.

556. You know, I get into this teacher mode,

557. and I forget that everyone's not my student,

558. and I put you on the spot in front of your class,

559. and I am sorry.

560. Oh. Thanks, I appreciate it.

561. Yeah, I mean, it's just writing, right?

562. It's not like everyone has to write their whole life.

563. Harper Lee only wrote one book.

564. Second one was just a draft.

565. Man, I hope nobody publishes my unfinished books

566. down the road for a quick buck.

567. Yeah, that would be the worst.

568. I mean, maybe somebody has said all they have to say.

569. Big deal.

570. Hey, Hank, this has been great.

571. I really enjoyed hanging out with you.

572. Yeah.

573. Hey, I'm looking forward to tomorrow night.

574. How is 19th-century poetry

575. different than 21st-century poetry?

576. It's difficult to really see

577. without a side-by-side comparison,

578. so let's do that.

579. Let's compare Walt Whitman

580. to say, oh...

581. Professor DuBois,

582. our own poet in residence.

583. On the left

584. is Whitman's Song of the Open Road,

585. and on the right

586. is Gracie DuBois's Follow the Lilac Sheet.

587. Now, let's start with the titles themselves.

588. Song of the Open Road...

589. has a mythic quality to it, does it not?

590. Follow the Lilac Sheet.

591. Follow the Lilac Sheet.

592. All right, Whitman, one, DuBois, zero.

593. Go ahead.

594. Wonderful! I can see again.

595. What is that?

596. Is that a stain on your shirt?

597. Honestly, Hank...

598. you cannot teach classes in stained shirts.

599. It debases our profession.

600. It's not a stain, Mom.

601. It's a reminder of a sauce that I loved once.

602. - Did you see this? - Yeah.

603. Your father's retirement is big news.

604. He's done quite well for himself.

605. You know, without you and I

606. dragging him down for the past 40 years.

607. He always did have extreme focus.

608. Here it is.

609. My first, and maybe last, book review.

610. That was a very positive review,

611. as I recall,

612. though a tad poorly written.

613. Too much plot summary for my taste.

614. They always do that when they can't form a clear opinion on their own.

615. I always wonder if I got this positive review

616. because Dad called in a favor.

617. I find it hard to believe

618. that a reviewer would give a positive review without really meaning it.

619. Unless they really loved your father.

620. And that reviewer loved your father.

621. I mean, really loved him.

622. So, you're right, can't be discounted.

623. Maybe the second novel's the charm.

624. Still working on it.

625. You made family choices, dear.

626. Family choices.

627. Hey, Mom...

628. I think Julie's pregnant.

629. Really?

630. - Oh! - Yeah.

631. Oh, my goodness.

632. Oh! Goodness, hold on.

633. It's not like she's going to go into labor right now.

634. You don't have to pack for the hospital or anything.

635. Here.

636. This was given to me by your grandmother

637. when I was pregnant with you.

638. It was given to her.

639. I don't know how long it's been in the family.

640. And now it's for Julie.

641. Why didn't you give it to Lily?

642. You look...

643. not unhappy.

644. Yeah, I'm a smidge up from neutral, so...

645. - Hello! - Oh, hey.

646. All right, babe.

647. - Hi, baby. - Hi.

648. - Hi. - Hey.

649. Everybody good?

650. - You look radiant. - Oh, thank you, Dad.

651. How are you guys doing today? Did you have a good day?

652. - Yeah, pretty good. - Yeah. Yeah.

653. Great!

654. Okay, okay,

655. I bet you're wondering what this is all about, what the news is.

656. The thought had crossed our minds.

657. All right, but first,

658. Russell has something he wants to tell you.

659. Yeah, um, so, as you both know,

660. our yard has a flat area before the hill starts.

661. Yeah.

662. Yeah, and as you probably remember,

663. my old roommate installs swimming pools.

664. I don't— I don't remember that, but go on, go on.

665. Yeah. Um...

666. Show them the— show them the thing.

667. It's pre-fab. He's got a company.

668. You don't have to put any money up front.

669. It's actually a really cool business model.

670. You put five percent down, you pay the rest over time.

671. Right? So the pools start at 6,000,

672. but the one we want is 10.

673. You can go up to 15, but we're only doing 10.

674. Yeah.

675. So, uh, five percent of 10,000—

676. - $500. - Yeah!

677. So who wouldn't want a pool for $500?

678. Could we just cut to the news?

679. No, yeah, that's what we're trying to tell you.

680. - We're building a pool! - We're building a pool.

681. A baby pool?

682. No, just a regular pool.

683. Um, but we're not just building a pool.

684. No, we have a whole business model.

685. And the business model will pay for the pool.

686. Okay, let me just stop you there.

687. No, listen, Dad, let me just stop you there, 'cause here's the best part.

688. There's three groups of people out there that can't communicate, right?

689. Swim students,

690. swim teachers,

691. and people with pools.

692. Our app connects those three groups—

693. for a percentage—

694. and we get part of the whole of that percentage.

695. Hank, will you, um,

696. run up to the bar and get me a martini?

697. And get one for yourself, too.

698. Oh, I'll have a beer.

699. Yeah.

700. - Hey. - Hey.

701. Can I get a martini

702. and another martini

703. and a shot, while I'm waiting?

704. And I guess, a beer.

705. All right, just give me a sec because I am down a bartender.

706. Oh, yeah? You're hiring?

707. Yeah.

708. Can he be an idiot?

709. Sure.

710. It was horrible! He humiliated you—

711. in front of the whole class!

712. That man is an effing monster.

713. Now, now, Solange.

714. We have to be tough. Tougher then they.

715. We have to have skins like rhinos

716. and souls like children.

717. What he does, it's just not important.

718. But in front of everyone—

719. What is important is the work.

720. The word.

721. Okay.

722. Okay, everyone, let's settle down.

723. Come on, come on.

724. How come you always drag out that old chair?

725. It doesn't even look ergonomic.

726. This chair...

727. has a personal history.

728. It was in my family growing up.

729. It was part of our dining-room collection.

730. Um...

731. my father,

732. the lieutenant colonel,

733. he always sat at the head.

734. Now, no one else

735. was permitted to sit

736. until my father entered the room,

737. and my brothers,

738. four of them,

739. they would try to elbow each other out

740. for the chair next to my father.

741. But I had a different strategy.

742. "Sir," I would say,

743. when he entered the room, and he would acknowledge me,

744. "I've written another poem."

745. And he would say, "Please recite it for me."

746. And then, for those moments,

747. and...

748. well, only those moments,

749. which would last for the duration of the poem,

750. I would have my father's undivided attention,

751. and then he would nod,

752. and he put me in the seat next to him,

753. which was this chair.

754. Wow.

755. That's messed up.

756. What... what do you mean?

757. Like shooting the bird perched on the end of your rifle,

758. but what hunter could resist?

759. John Barth.

760. This is so exciting.

761. I just wish you would have read him first.

762. I'm just going to introduce him,

763. and when he starts yapping,

764. I'm gonna lean over and quietly fart in his direction.

765. You're really wound up right now,

766. so you going to be able to hold it together?

767. I'm fine. Why— Why—

768. Why do they have to have so many pictures of him?

769. He's sitting right there. He's wearing the same jacket.

770. That's a slightly different jacket.

771. It's not slightly different. It's not slightly different.

772. Come on, honey.

773. Don't ever let me sit under three pictures of myself

774. in my favorite stupid old coat.

775. Okay. So now, I think you have to get out of here.

776. - What? No, I'm the moderator. - Take that.

777. I'm going to tell them that you have GI issues

778. and I'm going to get Finny to do it.

779. No! Finny can't do it!

780. He's going to do a beautiful job. You're a crazy man right now.

781. Do you want another headline in the newspaper?

782. Okay. All right, get Finny to do it.

783. Get out of here.

784. Where's he going?

785. Just... you just have to trust me.

786. This is better for everyone.

787. Where's Finny?

788. Ah, field hockey.

789. It's one of my favorite distractions.

790. I hope no one confuses my presence here

791. with school spirit,

792. which I find pointless.

793. There's so much wasted effort that goes into manufactured pep.

794. For what?

795. It benefits no one, except, well, maybe cheerleaders,

796. who feel, you know, less alone and stupid.

797. Hey, your talk over already?

798. Nah, I just left.

799. How can a moderator leave?

800. - Where's Smith? - Oh, ankle.

801. She limped off the field.

802. Yeah.

803. I don't know why I love this game so much.

804. Yeah, I started smiling when I came over the hill

805. just at the sound of the wood on the ball.

806. It's just the hustle, the elegance of a perfect pass.

807. Still, I wish our school had one other half-decent team.

808. All our banners are field hockey.

809. It's a little sad.

810. What? She tripped her!

811. Come on! You gotta call that!

812. Head in the game.

813. Why'd you leave?

814. Turns out, George Saunders is an asshole.

815. Oh, that's too bad.

816. Yeah. He plays with people.

817. Meaning you?

818. Well, he messes with other writers' heads.

819. It's demeaning.

820. He demeans people.

821. - Meaning you? - Yeah.

822. - Did you tell him that? - No, I just walked out.

823. You should've said something. People love to hear when they're A-holes.

824. Oh, good dig!

825. You know I was kidding, right?

826. It is my honor to welcome you to tonight's very special event.

827. I'd like to start with your childhood,

828. if there's been any abuse or trauma, that would be great,

829. and then I'll ask you about your real relationship with your mother.

830. What?

831. "O human race, born to fly upward,

832. wherefore at a little wind dost thou so fall?"

833. - Dante. - Yeah, I know.

834. Enter Prospero, here to conjure a storm.

835. Funny. You had me there for a minute.

836. Admit it.

837. You don't respect me.

838. You think I'm a hack whose father got him published.

839. You didn't even read my book.

840. What? Of course, I did.

841. Paula and I both read it on Block Island with the girls.

842. We read it and we loved it,

843. and we sent you a bottle of wine with a note.

844. Because I remember shipping was a pain in the ass.

845. And I read it again last night.

846. It's really good.

847. I mean, it really holds up, Hank.

848. I mean, that scene by the bus, where he's trying to tell her—

849. George Saunders in conversation with Hank Devereaux, Jr.

850. For someone with that kind of talent to quit writing,

851. I'm against it.

852. Um...

853. you, uh...

854. Before you wrote,

855. you were an engineer, right?

856. Are you a little drunk?

857. Um...

858. can I get a little drunk?

859. Yeah. Can we make that two, please?

860. Um...

861. the chronological order of Tenth of December,

862. is that something that you planned beforehand,

863. or after you wrote them,

864. you decided they should be presented that way,

865. because I think that

866. that order really affects how those stories land.

867. Yes, and that is a question that only a great writer could ask.

868. All right, stop patronizing me. They're paying for you.

869. is part of the impact.

870. Most writers start with an ending or a beginning...

871. Feeding the story into the...

872. The majority.

873. You're getting paid, but I'm in charge here.

874. - Yeah, okay. - All right?

875. I'm not against E.E. Cummings,

876. but I feel like that's where it should have been...

877. The big letters, gotcha.

878. So I'm glad you're here.

879. Ladies and gentlemen, George Saunders.

880. - I should have known. - Known what?

881. I could have been as good as Saunders. It wouldn't have mattered.

882. What wouldn't have mattered?

883. I would never have gotten my father's...

884. you know...