Lucky Hank 1x1

1. "The President could sense the arrival of his Chief of Staff

2. from the slight breeze the door makes when opened,

3. and the President wished he would knock,

4. and the Chief of Staff thought,

5. "I'm not the kind of guy who knocks and waits,"

6. and the President thinks, "I wish he would wait,"

7. but the Chief of Staff ignores this...

8. Cheese...

9. American and feta.

10. Tuna.

11. Vodka for my office.

12. Olives. Dried...

13. Berries...

14. Uh, let's stop you there.

15. Any comments?

16. I loved it.

17. That's one "I loved it."

18. How about any constructive criticisms?

19. Going once, twice...

20. Moving on.

21. I mean, you could... You could say something.

22. I've given you my thoughts before.

23. Just have a glance at your last story

24. or the one before that, okay?

25. Jen, do you want to read?

26. It might spark some discussion

27. if you offered something out loud.

28. I don't think so.

29. It could.

30. Mmm-mmm.

31. Could you, please, just for once, say something?

32. Workshops like this are based on the idea of peer review.

33. Guided review.

34. I'm trying to guide.

35. Jen?

36. Professor, I don't mean to gang up on you,

37. but you should know,

38. besides calling our names to read,

39. you've barely said anything in an hour and a half.

40. Well, I couldn't help but notice

41. a wandering point of view within, basically, structureless sentences.

42. No, my point of view doesn't wander.

43. Well, it switches mid-sentence from the President to the Chief of Staff,

44. then back, then back—

45. Yeah, on purpose.

46. Well, you risk distancing the reader.

47. I happen to think that risk is worth the reward.

48. What's the reward?

49. Okay, um, the reward is I'm...

50. I'm exposing the flow

51. of different collected consciousness.

52. You know?

53. I'm calling it ultra-omniscience.

54. That's a cool word.

55. Did anyone else care that the President and Chief of Staff

56. seem to be responding to each other's thoughts without speaking,

57. in a way that isn't...

58. possible?

59. I mean, I'm just gonna say it again, I loved it,

60. and you made my shortlist for the Pulitzer.

61. You don't get to make a short list for someone else's award.

62. Yeah, look, okay, responding to each other's thoughts,

63. it's not a mistake.

64. It certainly was.

65. Let's put aside the multiple points of view and the wandering tense

66. and the conversations that seem to happen via telepathy.

67. Even put aside the Chief of Staff's necrophilia.

68. Okay, well, then there's no story.

69. Do you know what I mean when I say "distance the reader"?

70. Of course I do, but that's my choice to make,

71. as it is every writer's,

72. as it was, um, Chaucer's choice, you know,

73. whose writing I actually find really distancing.

74. Yeah, well, less so because he was writing in Middle English,

75. and it's a tricky thing, comparing yourself to Chaucer.

76. Yeah, but we don't know that I'm not the next Chaucer.

77. We do know.

78. All due respect, you would not know.

79. All due respect, a cat would know.

80. Your only novel isn't even available at your own campus bookstore.

81. You... You're here.

82. You're here.

83. The main piece of evidence is that you are here.

84. The fact that you're here means you didn't try very hard in high school,

85. or, for whatever reason, you showed very little promise.

86. Did that sound harsh?

87. I'll tell you what. I'll smile through the rest of this.

88. You are here,

89. and even if your presence at this middling college

90. in this sad, forgotten town

91. was some bizarre anomaly,

92. and you do have the promise of genius,

93. which I'll bet a kidney that you don't,

94. it will never surface.

95. I am not a good enough writer or writing teacher

96. to bring it out of you.

97. And how do I know that? How?

98. Because I, too, am here,

99. at Railton College,

100. mediocrity's capital.

101. Well, you wanted me to talk more.

102. Who is it?

103. Work.

104. Turn it off.

105. Hmm.

106. I put that in the recycling three days ago.

107. I didn't realize you want to save it.

108. Save it?

109. Oh, no, there's other articles I want to read in here.

110. Um...

111. you were working late last night?

112. I mean, it isn't really working late

113. just because it's after you've gone to sleep.

114. Yeah, well, I'm a college professor,

115. so working after 4:00 p.m. is late.

116. Who are you saving now?

117. There's this boy named Calvin who's been acting out.

118. Herb thinks he should be expelled,

119. so, anyway,

120. we're meeting with his mother and a teacher—

121. You are very popular this morning.

122. I am.

123. Why did you buy so many bananas?

124. They're going to go bad, you know.

125. Just to piss you off.

126. I think you should just keep up with the solitary misery,

127. and, like, don't change a thing.

128. Who isn't miserable, huh?

129. Being an adult is 80% misery.

130. No, I think you're at 80.

131. The rest of us hover around 30 to 40.

132. Thirty? Nobody is at 30.

133. I'm at 30.

134. Really? Thirty?

135. Well, then, you're unusually happy.

136. I don't think that's true.

137. I think we've become

138. a bit obsessed with happiness.

139. It's a little much.

140. What happened to just getting through the day?

141. I wonder what percentage of misery

142. this dude was at.

143. It better have been at least 90.

144. I need a cushion.

145. If people wanted to be happy so much,

146. why does all the evidence point to the opposite?

147. I mean, newspapers, the courts,

148. social media...

149. The misery industry, that's huge.

150. Billions.

151. The happy industry?

152. That's, like, one guy, who probably lives in Canada,

153. breeding unicorns

154. and filming them for porn on the side.

155. Mediocrity's capital? Really?

156. I decided to face you as a man.

157. Man to man.

158. We're one short.

159. I always wanted to be a writer.

160. When I was six, I wrote my first story...

161. about Wall Street.

162. That tracks.

163. When I was 12,

164. I wrote my first novel.

165. Whenever I get down on myself, I read it.

166. It helps me remember what I'm meant to do.

167. And that I can't do anything else.

168. Bartow?

169. I don't think you understand how hurtful what you said was.

170. I was uncareful with my words.

171. I'm sorry, Bartow.

172. We cool?

173. Yeah, we cool.

174. I'm just gonna need that in writing.

175. What?

176. Um, your apology, I'm just gonna need that

177. to be posted to the school newspaper's website.

178. With a signature.

179. Uh, an e-signature is fine, too.

180. Would you accept an e-middle finger?

181. Dean Rose called for you?

182. - Okay. - Six times.

183. Uh-huh.

184. Should I try him for you?

185. Uh, no.

186. Did you get me yogurt?

187. It's not your yogurt day.

188. Yeah.

189. Damnit, Rourke, don't hide behind humor,

190. as if you could...

191. Why do grown-ups bother arguing?

192. Well, I'm smiling.

193. I have been working...

194. Haven't we learned what the advertising world figured out long ago,

195. that, after age 49,

196. we're not changing our minds about anything?

197. So, what's in it for people?

198. A sexual charge?

199. Actually, that sounds nice.

200. that it only finds oxygen when it's hurting a woman.

201. It should be painfully clear to you by now,

202. your time, sir, it's up.

203. Oh, boy, we're doing this.

204. All right, let's all be careful here.

205. I'll say anything I want.

206. I can't be canceled, I have tenure.

207. You're an ass.

208. This is because of you

209. and your childish outburst in class.

210. No, no, no, no, no.

211. It was inspired by him.

212. It was my idea.

213. I want recognition.

214. Camus. It means—

215. Did you not get my email?

216. I got a lot of emails this morning.

217. I'll bet you did, peckerhead.

218. - Read your email. - Why?

219. Rourke submitted a new course request

220. to the school website for public evaluation,

221. "The Accidental Wisdom of Mediocre Regional Writers".

222. He put me on the syllabus!

223. Are you not regional?

224. Your choice to insult us all,

225. especially in an open forum,

226. it's simply incorrect.

227. We have no shortage of worthy scholars

228. - and published authors. - Name one.

229. I'll name two,

230. myself...

231. and perhaps Billie.

232. My book of sonnets on Jonathan Swift

233. has become the benchmark

234. in early-feminist, 18th-century response poetry.

235. You are deliberately trying

236. to invalidate the last decade of my career.

237. Decade?

238. That book came out 25 years ago,

239. and I remember it distinctly,

240. because the first email I ever got

241. was a bill mistakenly sent from your self-publisher.

242. Nobody was brave enough to publish that book.

243. - It was ahead of its time. - Maybe you should have waited.

244. - You— - Ow!

245. Oh, shit! Shit.

246. Let go of the notebook.

247. But it has original work in it.

248. Not if it's yours.

249. - You— - Ow!

250. Oh!

251. - Ew! - Oh, God, I'm sorry.

252. I...

253. I-I...

254. I-I didn't— I didn't mean to.

255. I... Are you...?

256. Going to sue?

257. Yes! I want every penny from the sale of those poems.

258. You can put all of them in this tiny pocket.

259. Jill from Jacob Rose's office called again?

260. Dean Rose would like to see you right away?

261. Tell them I have a class.

262. I said that.

263. She said right after class?

264. Oh. Then I have another class.

265. Then I said that.

266. Then she said

267. that it better not be racquetball with Tony.

268. And then I said,

269. "Have you ever been asked to cover for your boss

270. when he was doing something

271. he didn't want people to know about?"

272. Then she got real quiet.

273. Hey, Daniel.

274. I hope you brought enough vape pens for everyone.

275. Did you just run?

276. Are you ready to handle this Calvin situation?

277. You shouldn't be so excited about expelling a kid.

278. He disrupts my class, he throws things—

279. Don't talk about how disruptive my son is

280. when it's your job to control your class.

281. No. It's my job to teach,

282. and I can't do my job if I'm spending 80% of my energy trying to control her kid—

283. Do you know that most chocolate has vegetable oil in it?

284. Or even animal fat?

285. Lily, please.

286. Look, we're here to talk about Calvin and what to do

287. at this important juncture in his life,

288. but first, just hear me out.

289. France regulates chocolate.

290. They don't allow anything but pure cocoa liquor,

291. which is what gives chocolate its rich, delicious flavor.

292. France, by law,

293. says that there must be at least 40%,

294. but that's not nearly good enough

295. for La Maison du Chocolat.

296. This was flown in from France last week,

297. and I'd like to share some of it with you.

298. But before you eat it,

299. I want you to, um, feel it in your hand.

300. Just, like, feel the weight of it.

301. And then, place it on your tongue,

302. and keep it there.

303. Let it melt in your mouth.

304. It's amazing, right?

305. Michelle, you're an excellent teacher.

306. And you are clearly a loving and caring mother.

307. Look, you want Calvin expelled from school,

308. that's not feasible,

309. but he doesn't have to take biology this year.

310. He could make it up in summer school.

311. I feel a little manipulated by this delicious chocolate.

312. Yeah, I feel the same.

313. There's common ground.

314. I liked what you said.

315. This place sucks.

316. It should be shut down.

317. Hey, Jill.

318. He said he'd like you to read this,

319. and then go right in.

320. Mmm. Polite note.

321. May I keep this for my collection of memorabilia

322. of times when people were being polite to me,

323. only to be setting a trap of some sort?

324. I don't think it matters.

325. Well, nothing matters.

326. That can't be our standard.

327. It tells me a lot that you drove all this way.

328. I appreciate that. You take it seriously.

329. Because, guess what?

330. I take it seriously, and we should take it seriously.

331. Are we upset? You betcha.

332. But what you have to understand is that Hank is going through

333. a rough patch with his diverticulitis.

334. Infected and inflamed pouches bulging from his colon.

335. Complete bowel Armageddon.

336. Is it an excuse? No, of course not.

337. Of course it isn't.

338. He may not take that out on your son,

339. and everyone agrees with that,

340. especially Hank.

341. So we're on the same page.

342. Bowel Armageddon? Really?

343. Hank, this article, this is bad.

344. I'm sure they twisted my words.

345. Oh.

346. No, that's pretty much verbatim.

347. Well, they were ganging up on me. They don't mention that.

348. Every phone call I've had today?

349. Board members demanding that I kick your butt off campus.

350. Maybe you explain to them

351. just how powerless your position really is?

352. - I think they'll understand. - I wish I could.

353. It would make my life a whole lot easier.

354. Well, I think it's a good thing.

355. I put it out there.

356. Maybe Railton can become a beacon,

357. a refuge now for really, really lazy students.

358. Just apologize to the kid and his parents,

359. make this go away. I don't need this today.

360. No, I am not apologizing.

361. I mean, unless you name a building after me...

362. And not a dorm.

363. I don't want any of these idiots sleeping in my building.

364. Jacob?

365. The President's on.

366. - You tell him I'm not sorry. - Hank!

367. This is not about you and your little situation.

368. I'll take it in the conference room.

369. Please tell the William-Stevenses

370. that I'll be back momentarily.

371. Did Gracie really deserve all that teasing?

372. "Deserve".

373. You don't still believe in "deserve", do you?

374. It's an unfair world,

375. I'm not going to even things up with a few kind acts.

376. You know...

377. tenure doesn't mean you can't get smacked in the face.

378. No, it just means I can never, ever be fired.

379. It doesn't mean that, either.

380. It kinda feels like it.

381. So you're trying to get fired with no hope of success?

382. You think I'm trying to get fired?

383. - Did you apologize to the kid? - For what?

384. You don't think this has anything to do with that article

385. you're pretending not to carry around?

386. I'm not carrying anything around.

387. - No? So if I just— - No, no!

388. It might be there.

389. I don't know.

390. My father retires.

391. It's a major thing.

392. Big enough for the biggest newspaper in the country

393. to put it on the cover of the arts section.

394. Good for him.

395. Also, I find out about it

396. from the cover of the arts section.

397. Good for me.

398. - And this makes you feel... - Nothing.

399. And that outburst in class?

400. Was unrelated.

401. In fact, it felt good.

402. I told the truth.

403. I think I inspired myself.

404. To tell the truth more?

405. That's not good.

406. To work on my novel.

407. Oh, great!

408. Well, I love it when you start your second novel.

409. It's usually a wonderful time in our marriage.

410. How was your day?

411. Julie's coming over.

412. I don't know why.

413. I know why.

414. It's these damn kids.

415. They don't hate their parents,

416. at least not enough

417. to never ask them for anything again.

418. Yeah, I got it.

419. The trouble is,

420. my generation of parents,

421. we can't let our kids feel any pain in any way.

422. It's a sick cycle,

423. but to stop,

424. that would take courage and conviction.

425. No. No way. It's your turn.

426. I can't ask my mother for money twice in six months. I can't do that.

427. Why not? She just became a general manager.

428. Yeah, of a Circle K!

429. - It's not fair! - Fine!

430. I know my dad. He's gonna hold this against me.

431. Well, your mom's the one who handles all the finances, right?

432. He's probably not even going to notice that she lent us the money.

433. That's true.

434. He doesn't notice anything.

435. When she gave me our Cancun money,

436. she said if I borrowed money again,

437. she'd make me sit down and learn Quicken.

438. Which isn't me, you know?

439. I know...

440. I know.

441. It's gotta be my dad.

442. It's about respect.

443. Gracie, why does this stuff still bother you?

444. You know who he is.

445. Why something is wrong isn't relevant to making it right.

446. I can't do anything about it.

447. Of course not.

448. Hank's chair of the department.

449. Course review falls under his purview.

450. As long as he's chair,

451. there can't be any serious action

452. taken against him or anyone else.

453. "As long as he's chair"?

454. Seriously?

455. Hank's your problem, too.

456. I mean, there is a person there.

457. There was a time you couldn't resist me.

458. No one could.

459. Excuse the interruption.

460. The president's office said to let you know

461. that he explained the urgency of the situation

462. to the board chair,

463. and the trustees will convene next week.

464. When you find out when it is,

465. please clear that day.

466. Will do.

467. This isn't about hitting Hank with the notebook?

468. Because he... He walked into it a bit.

469. One day, I'm going to meet an English professor

470. who understands that the world

471. is full of lots of people and ideas...

472. You could just say yes or no.

473. There's no need to be insulting.

474. Is it about Rourke's new course?

475. Oh, my God.

476. I'm telling you guys,

477. this is the best thing for our department.

478. Gracie, this is very serious,

479. and I have to say,

480. we don't feel comfortable plotting behind Hank's back.

481. This is a good idea.

482. Okay. Let's see what we can get.

483. This isn't something we should take lightly,

484. and it is the best thing for the students, too.

485. Gosh, Gracie,

486. it seems like a lot of risk for not a lot of reward.

487. Okay, if you support Hank's de-chairing,

488. I'll switch places with you on the sabbatical waitlist.

489. Hank, your phone.

490. Yeah?

491. Hello, Spanky.

492. Billie.

493. How drunk are you?

494. Plenty, but it's none of your damn business, you son of a bitch.

495. Hey, did you write that recommendation for my daughter?

496. - I will. - You will not.

497. I don't want Meg living this damn life

498. in this damn town.

499. Ugh. What do you know about raising a kid?

500. You didn't even have a dad.

501. I did.

502. You were in diapers when that shithead left.

503. I was 14.

504. You didn't even send your daughter to college.

505. What the hell is her name?

506. I'd prefer you didn't bring up my daughter.

507. Billie?

508. You there?

509. How come you always let me talk to you like this?

510. Look, just don't write the recommendation,

511. even though who knows what it's gonna be worth after tomorrow.

512. Tomorrow?

513. What happens tomorrow?

514. So you're gonna be de-chaired?

515. And then what does that mean?

516. De-chaired.

517. I think it's an outpatient procedure these days.

518. Well, if I'm no longer chair,

519. it's easier to fire me,

520. and if I get fired,

521. that's the end of my academic career.

522. You're smiling.

523. Am I?

524. Is that, um, opportunity

525. for you to be assistant head of school at Arlyle still possible?

526. Seriously?

527. Um...

528. I mean, that was months ago, so I don't...

529. I don't know.

530. I mean...

531. Yeah, I could ask.

532. New York.

533. God.

534. Could it finally be time?

535. MoMA, instead of Roger's Art.

536. Peter Luger's instead of Outback.

537. Mmm...

538. I mean, we'd be a little close to your father.

539. It's a city of eight million people.

540. I think I can avoid him.

541. I don't know.

542. We saw Catherine Keener twice.

543. Do you know you make a move

544. every time I say "Catherine Keener"?

545. Keep saying it, see what it gets you.

546. Yes?

547. Hi. Am I speaking with Professor Devereaux Jr.?

548. Just Professor Devereaux.

549. I've never had any confusion.

550. Yes. Hello, Professor Devereaux.

551. This is Marnie Cole from your father's office.

552. Um, I hate to bother you like this, but...

553. Uh, yeah?

554. Stephanie asked me to call

555. and let you know that she has left your father.

556. Stephanie? Is that the maid?

557. She's his wife.

558. Uh, okay, well, I guess he'll have to get a third wife.

559. Well, that was his third wife.

560. Well, I wish her well then.

561. So, it's not an ideal time for him to be alone.

562. I think maybe he could use some help.

563. Marnie, um, I'm sorry.

564. In the future,

565. could you leave messages like this

566. with my assistant in my office, okay?

567. 'Cause this is my personal cell.

568. This is only for friends and work and family

569. and marketing calls.

570. Okay? You have that other number?

571. I do, but he is your family.

572. Well, then he can call me.

573. That would be the first time in 15 years.

574. I'm submitting an alternate budget.

575. Good. The first one was so boring.

576. Could you run the freshman requirements

577. and service a major with five professors, or...

578. Or four professors and add a few more adjuncts?

579. I need an answer or I'm just gonna guess.

580. Oh...

581. this is fun.

582. I like that we do this every year.

583. You know, we could skip the stage where you threaten cuts

584. and jump right to the part where you give me my full budget.

585. I've got a fantasy pickleball league that's heating up.

586. I don't have time for this.

587. What?

588. Jacob, what is it?

589. You may have noticed

590. that half the schools in the country are broke.

591. I noticed they're going out to dinner less often.

592. Well, think about

593. what you can pull off with three fewer professors.

594. If I'm still chair in an hour, I'll do that.

595. Uh, first of all,

596. I'd like to, um...

597. I'd like to point out that,

598. although I am completely agnostic

599. as to the outcome of the vote that's about to take place...

600. Paul, can you join us?

601. - Yeah. - Thank you. Thank you.

602. Um, I was asked by Dean Rose—

603. Yeah, right.

604. to call this meeting and motion for a vote.

605. I heard that there was a vote to remove me as chair.

606. I just... I didn't want to miss it.

607. Jesus, Billie.

608. Oh, what's the goddamned difference?

609. So, um, Professor Wheemer has agreed

610. to run the proceedings.

611. I didn't really.

612. Weiner?

613. She's not a professor.

614. She shows movies.

615. How is that teaching?

616. She's a projectionist.

617. Okay, it's "Wheemer" with an "M",

618. and I don't want to be running these proceedings.

619. I shouldn't.

620. It's not fair.

621. People around the world

622. don't have access to free speech,

623. and I should just feel free

624. to go on about calls and recounts and whatnot?

625. It's obscene.

626. Okay, thanks, we got it. Go, now.

627. Okay, we're here for a no-confidence vote

628. for the chair of the department,

629. for certain events

630. that have transpired over the past few days,

631. and how he's conducted himself in regards to those events.

632. Would the accused

633. like to say anything in his defense before the vote?

634. The accused?

635. It was a good flick.

636. Jodie Foster. She won an Oscar for that film.

637. We watch it in my gender-analysis film class.

638. New Bedford Chamber of Commerce hated that movie.

639. It killed the Moby Dick tours.

640. Okay, can we please—

641. Yes, the accused would like to make a statement.

642. The kid that I yelled at...

643. Okay...

644. he killed my governess.

645. This is many years ago,

646. and I vowed revenge, and now I have it,

647. and it feels empty in the way that novels predict.

648. The question at hand is a simple aye or nay.

649. Should Hank be removed from the chair?

650. "Aye" means "yes".

651. Can you just say yes?

652. Short answer, yes with caveats.

653. It requires a vote.

654. You can make that motion,

655. but not until a call for new business.

656. And I assume you can get it seconded.

657. I second the motion that "aye" means "yes".

658. Well, there hasn't been a call for new business.

659. I literally just explained that.

660. Jesus Christ, guys.

661. "Aye" it is!

662. So an aye for an aye then?

663. The firing squad.

664. They never sent one person, it's a squad.

665. The group effort makes it more of a bonding event,

666. like lions ripping apart a scared gazelle.

667. A pride.

668. Good times.

669. Okay, that's one aye,

670. a nay,

671. another aye...

672. another aye,

673. and that's it.

674. That's three ayes, a nay, and the rest abstain.

675. Well, the ayes have it.

676. Hank is officially removed as the chair.

677. Wait.

678. Who is the next chair?

679. Why...

680. So why don't we take some time to discuss,

681. and meet again tomorrow, same time?

682. I guess I finally sunk my own battleship.

683. That's the first time I made the whole department happy.

684. Well, I wouldn't beat yourself up too hard.

685. Done.

686. Because...

687. I called Tom Leska,

688. and they have not filled the position at Arlyle.

689. He didn't exactly offer me the job,

690. but he sure seemed to imply that I have a shot.

691. Whoa.

692. Yeah, I know.

693. It's just logistics...

694. I mean, our...

695. Our daughter's here,

696. and my mom.

697. There's a few things that we need...

698. We need to talk through, we need to work out.

699. Don't. Don't. Don't do that.

700. Don't do that.

701. Actually, it's my fault.

702. Where are you going?

703. I'm going for a run.

704. What? It's 11:00 p.m.

705. You already ran today.

706. There's raccoons out there!

707. Did you just make a joke?

708. Uh-uh.

709. I forgot

710. that you aren't capable of leaving this town

711. for reasons that will only be fully understood

712. by your future therapist.

713. I learned it years ago, I just forgot it.

714. So shame on me.

715. Good morning.

716. Hey.

717. - Um, I made coffee. - Uh...

718. Thanks.

719. You came over here early in the morning to make me coffee?

720. I just wanted to have breakfast with you guys.

721. I was also going to tell you,

722. um, I saw Stacey Rose at the supermarket yesterday.

723. I don't know if Dean Rose mentioned that to you?

724. He didn't.

725. Well, she says hi.

726. She wants everyone to come over for dinner some time.

727. The whole gang.

728. Do you want to play Bananagrams?

729. Do you remember when we used to do this before school?

730. Yeah, sure.

731. Oh, um...

732. I was also going to tell you,

733. Russell actually has

734. a pretty interesting opportunity.

735. Oh?

736. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty exciting stuff,

737. and it's really next level,

738. and he can get in on the ground floor.

739. Ground floor, that sounds...

740. That sounds a little low for next level.

741. Are you sure he's got the right entrance?

742. That is hilarious.

743. Um...

744. Yeah, no,

745. it would just require him

746. not getting a paycheck for a while, is the thing.

747. - Darn it. - Yeah.

748. So we're just figuring out

749. how to get from here to there in the meantime.

750. You know what? I think I could help.

751. Really?

752. Yeah. I mean, my thought is

753. what if Russell were to take a less interesting job,

754. but one that paid right away?

755. Dad!

756. See, I'm doing the math,

757. and I think that actually, that works great.

758. - You're not doing the math, you're being an asshole. - Now is not a good time,

759. - because I have to save for retirement. - It's never a good time!

760. I owe that to you,

761. otherwise I become your dependent

762. - and live in your home. - I wouldn't even ask you what it was for.

763. "Michael experienced 4:00 a.m. differently as an adult.

764. The alarm clock used to mean hockey practice and friends,

765. and now it means cows

766. and the start of another shift on the ranch—"

767. Okay, let's talk.

768. You mean us, or—

769. Yeah, what do we all think of this letter from Bartow?

770. Are you asking us?

771. 'Cause I think he made some pretty good points.

772. Okay, name one.

773. That we deserve a teacher who believes in us.

774. That does sound nice.

775. I mean, it's all in the letter, Professor.

776. "I, Bartow Williams-Stevens,

777. am compelled to write this open letter

778. because you have humiliated me and I feel terrible."

779. Okay, you don't have to say you feel terrible.

780. That's a natural result of being humiliated,

781. so, repetitive.

782. "I believe we deserve teachers who believe in us."

783. That's a lot of believing.

784. Overuse of a word diminishes its power.

785. Well, it's terribly written,

786. which is too bad because he makes some good points.

787. Calvin just broke a window in the east hallway.

788. What?

789. I told you. I said it.

790. I said the kid needed to be expelled,

791. and then you charmed us.

792. The situation didn't need pacifying,

793. it needed a hard action.

794. You solved nothing.

795. Can we make this quick

796. because I lose my court in 15 minutes?

797. "Hell is empty and all the devils are here."

798. Okay.

799. Rules are a simple plurality wins.

800. You may vote for anyone, including yourself.

801. Once the votes are filled out and collected,

802. there is no adjustment of the vote.

803. It's final.

804. Write along the line with words,

805. no doodles, Paul,

806. and fold it one time.

807. No quarter folds.

808. Okay, does everyone understand?

809. Goddamnit, I need to hear a plurality of voices.

810. Aye.

811. Hey! Look, you did it! All right, go ahead.

812. All right.

813. And here we go.

814. One vote for June.

815. One vote for Teddy.

816. You voted for yourself?

817. We agreed last night that—

818. Yes, we agreed to vote for me.

819. Why would we agree to vote for you?

820. - That makes no sense. - There are complications.

821. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

822. Can you do your evil scheming in your underground lair

823. and not at work?

824. One vote for me?

825. One vote for "Hank. Ha ha, damn you all to hell."

826. Damn you all to hell.

827. One vote for a new iPad.

828. These go to Santa eventually, right?

829. One vote for Rourke.

830. Ooh! Don't mind if I do.

831. Yikes.

832. And another vote for Hank.

833. Hank?

834. Wait, what the hell just happened?

835. I...

836. I thought that I was throwing away my vote,

837. um, as a form of abstaining,

838. which, as you know

839. from my essay, "The Art of Abstention"--

840. And that's it.

841. Wait, what?

842. Yeah, the only person with more than one vote is...

843. Hank.

844. Hank's our new chair.

845. A fresh term of three years begins...

846. now.

847. Sorry.

848. - My point. - What?

849. - Meniscus Rules. - But you could've got that!

850. Not without taking a step.

851. You could have tilted like a teapot.

852. You're stepping now.

853. To serve! It's different.

854. Just once, I'd like to play fair.

855. My point.

856. I'm wondering

857. if it's the forbidden nature of all the sexual politics

858. that's making the sex better.

859. There's more at risk.

860. Maybe the sex is...

861. exactly the same...

862. and you're losing touch with your partner

863. as a human being

864. due to your advanced age and growing callousness.

865. Yeah, I thought of that,

866. but multiple women have told me

867. I'm becoming a better fornicator.

868. Multiple women.

869. And there's nothing in it for them.

870. They didn't have to say that.

871. Why can't racquetball be most of the day,

872. and then everything else is just one hour?

873. Picture your perfect life.

874. Put it on a tableau for me.

875. Paint it on that wall.

876. What do you see?

877. I can't improve on that white wall.

878. It's... It's soothing.

879. I'm scared that...

880. my father's retirement

881. is going to upset this very delicate balance that we've achieved.

882. He left and we don't speak.

883. I think I'm feeling regret.

884. All these years, I haven't fully appreciated all that I didn't have.

885. Multiple women.

886. - Hey, guess what? - I'm running.

887. They made me chair again.

888. Three more years.

889. I'll see you at home.