Love 1x9

1. And, uh, remember, Kristen...

2. you're not just gaining a husband,

3. you're also getting a beer cap collection from over 20 years.

4. But, uh, if I can be serious for a moment, uh, Kristen, Dennis, uh...

5. I just wanna say you're one of those couples that give me hope.

6. 'Cause you make me realize that, um, people really are meant for each other,

7. and it is possible to find true love.

8. Aw...

9. Let's hear it for Dennis and Kristen, huh?

10. Hello?

11. I'm spinning out. Can you talk?

12. - What? - I hope it's not too early.

13. I... I assumed you'd be awake.

14. Why the fuck would I be awake? It's fucking 4:00 a.m.

15. I think I left things in a really weird place with Gus last night.

16. I think I fucked it up. His friends were there. They all hated me.

17. There was this other girl there, and I think I left it in a bad place,

18. but I know if I could just see him

19. and I could talk to him, then I could fix it.

20. - Mickey. - Yeah?

21. This sounds exactly like the shit you did with Leo.

22. No, no, no, no. Please. That was so different.

23. I was in college and I was nuts. This... no.

24. That's why I called you, to have you tell me if it was like that,

25. but now hearing myself talk out loud, I know it's totally different. Thank you.

26. And you realize that, um, people really are meant for each other,

27. and it is possible to find true love.

28. Aw...

29. Let's hear it for Dennis and Kristen, huh?

30. - Ha! Hey. - Hi, hi.

31. That's good, that's good. That's funny.

32. You, uh... Do you want a cup?

33. Yeah, um, just a little cream in it, please.

34. Okay. Sure thing. All right.

35. Oh, my God, remember last night?

36. Your friends and the music and just, like,

37. all of the love and the Thai food. It was so much...

38. - Yeah. Yeah. - Mmm-hmm.

39. You know, I think this is actually...

40. gonna take a few minutes, so I don't know

41. if you have other stuff you need to do or—

42. Oh, that's fine. No, I got time.

43. - Cool. - Mmm-hmm.

44. - Doin' it, too. - Nice.

45. Oh, this place is really beautiful.

46. Yeah. Yeah, I'm... I'm getting used to it.

47. I got to channel all this good energy for the table read today.

48. Ah, don't worry. You'll do great.

49. I can't believe the network's gonna be there.

50. What if everybody's looking at me, and... I do amazing?

51. Yeah. I don't know, what if?

52. Hey, uh, this is Mickey. I woke up today and I'm feeling so sick.

53. I think I have that, uh, that flu that's going around.

54. I'm still gonna come in today. I just wanted to give you guys a heads-up.

55. Oh, really?

56. So you don't want me to come in? 'Cause I'm happy to.

57. Okay. All right. Um...

58. I'll check back in with you later, but I'll... I'll see you tomorrow. Okay.

59. Bye.

60. You know, and then I am honest with her and she just gets upset, you know?

61. So I'm feelin' like I can't win.

62. I just... I'm like, uh... chasing my own tail in this relationship.

63. I don't know how to make her happy.

64. Dude... why the fuck are you telling me all of this?

65. - What— - Like, really, like... what is this about?

66. I don't know. I see other people share their problems with you

67. and it seems cathartic for them, so...

68. I've been noticing that, too. I really don't know what that's about.

69. I don't even understand. I'm not a priest.

70. I'm not even intuitive with people,

71. so this whole situation is really kind of baffling me.

72. Hey, Kevin. Evan.

73. Ooh, rhyming name buddies there. Look at that.

74. Anyway, we'll continue this later, man. I appreciate it.

75. - Is there a Devon around here? - Silly, man.

76. - What's got you so happy today? - I don't know.

77. - You fucked Heidi, didn't you? - Shh. No. Come on.

78. - Yes, you did. - Kevin.

79. - I'm gonna just tell you, man. Be careful. - Mmm-hmm.

80. Any chick with a headshot is out of her mind.

81. I worked with that chick Jennifer Lawrence last summer.

82. Mmm-hmm.

83. Very clingy chick. She walked around all day with a stuffed animal.

84. Okay, well, relax. I got this handled. It's all good, it's all good.

85. Yeah. Hey, Wyatt.

86. Hey, man. How are things in the old writers' room?

87. Great, man. Susan Cheryl just threw away my story for episode 12, so...

88. - fuckin' awesome. Mmm.

89. Well, hang in there, buddy.

90. Wish I could be there in the trenches with ya.

91. Whatever, dude.

92. You got to really stop kissin' ass, man. He's a dick.

93. No, no, no.

94. Deep down, he's, like, actually a real... like, a really good guy.

95. Big heart, you know?

96. Hey, Gus. - Hmm?

97. Did you fuck Heidi?

98. So, what'd you think about last night?

99. It was incredible.

100. I mean, I never would have thought to buy the burger from Wendy's

101. and then the fries from McDonald's.

102. Well, I'm kind of a big idea guy.

103. Next time, we'll throw in a shake from Jack in the Box.

104. I call that Randy's Triple Dandy.

105. It was very thoughtful of you to take me out.

106. Well, you seemed a little down, so I thought we could have some fun.

107. Yeah, I was kind of annoyed with Mickey. I mean, don't you think that's rude?

108. I was making a pie, and then I dropped everything

109. so I could go and rescue her from that party.

110. - What kind of pie? - Fruits of the forest.

111. That's super fucked up.

112. - Oh, she's coming. I... I should go.

113. All right, call me later.

114. Okay, I will. Thank you so much for helping me with the drought.

115. Bring over some—

116. - Hey! Hi, cutes. - Hi!

117. I'm so sorry about last night.

118. I think I left right before you got there, and then I came home and I just crashed.

119. Why didn't you text me?

120. My phone died, and I just... I feel so bad about the whole night.

121. I want you to know that I think of you as more than a roommate.

122. I think of you as a friend.

123. Oh. Well, I think of you as a friend, too.

124. Can I make it up to you?

125. Let's, like, do something really fun today.

126. Spend the whole day together, do our, like, Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

127. Where would we go?

128. I don't know, there's so many options. Um...

129. I know. Do you wanna go to, like, um, like, a studio tour, right?

130. 'Cause you haven't even really seen LA. What's more LA than a studio tour?

131. - Are we talking, like, Universal? - Mmm... that's a little played out.

132. I was thinking something a little more inside track, like, Mar Vista Studios.

133. - Oh, I've never heard of that one. - Very old school.

134. It's where Gene Kelly shot Singin' In The Rain.

135. Oh, I might have seen that one, like, 45 times.

136. - This is gonna be perfect. - This is gonna be great.

137. Ahhh! I can't wait.

138. No.

139. No, that's a fucking stupid idea.

140. No, too small. Too... small.

141. - Guys, I said I need big ideas. - I still think that the haunted sock hop—

142. No. A sock hop is not big, okay? We're up against shows with...

143. with dragons and... and zombies and murdering strippers. Wake up.

144. Anyone?

145. Okay, uh, I have something.

146. Um... It is—

147. Let me just pitch it, okay? It's called "Witch Hunt."

148. And, um, the basic idea is that, um...

149. like, a serial killer would come to town and he knows that he can get away with it

150. 'cause he can blame the witches for all the murders.

151. - So... it's literally a witch hunt. - Yeah.

152. Let me ask you this. Could Pastor Lewis be the killer?

153. - Yeah. Yeah, that'd be cool. - I like that.

154. Yeah. Okay. Okay, this is interesting. Interesting.

155. This could maybe work. It's... it's big. It is big.

156. It's bloody. We could kill a lot of people.

157. Yeah, and I really... I really like that idea of Pastor Lewis being the killer.

158. - That's the best part. - That's a good idea, right? Uh-huh.

159. - Good job, Wyatt. - Thank you. One thing.

160. Uh, the idea... Okay, so we'd probably be fine,

161. but the idea, as crazy as it sounds, is actually Gus's.

162. Gus the tutor.

163. - What? - Okay, here's what happened.

164. He wrote a spec script. He asked me to read it. It was awful.

165. - Like, even the margins were... Oh, Jesus.

166. four inches wide for some reason, but he had that idea in it.

167. We just buy that idea from him.

168. No, no, that's not how it works, Wyatt. You can't just buy an idea.

169. You have to buy the whole fucking script.

170. Okay. So can we afford that? I mean, that's fine.

171. Sure we can. Because that's one less script for all of you now.

172. Great, Wyatt. Fucking Gus.

173. Coming up on our right is a storefront

174. that doubled as a café for the romantic comedy Holidays.

175. Oh, you mean, The Holiday, starring Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet.

176. Uh, no, Holidays. It was a cable movie-of-the-week in 1984.

177. So, on your left, we have a very—

178. - Question. Sorry. - Yes?

179. Do you know where they did shoot The Holiday?

180. Cameron and Kate are two lonely women from opposite sides of the Atlantic,

181. who swap houses and inhibitions in an epic tale of love and laughter.

182. Uh, I don't know, but, uh, it wasn't shot here.

183. What a shame.

184. So, Cameron rents an English cottage to escape her hectic life as a publicist,

185. and she ends up in the arms of Kate's brother,

186. played with rugged charm by Jude Law.

187. Sorry, you go. Yeah, you go.

188. Okay. So on your left is a courthouse—

189. I'm sorry... Jack Black stars as Kate Winslet's love interest

190. in a surprising performance as a leading man.

191. And you can... you can go... go again.

192. Okay. Coming up is our so-called Tin Can—

193. And Kate Winslet won a 2007 Teen's Choice Award.

194. You go, sorry. Go. Yeah.

195. - This is such a good tour. - I'm so glad you're having a good time.

196. If you want gifts, they're in the gift shop.

197. If you want photos with me, I'm available.

198. So we need to get a final list of everybody

199. who's gonna be from the network.

200. So we need to make sure everybody has a drive on,

201. we have enough chairs for everybody, we have enough hard copies for everybody.

202. - Can you get on that for me? Thank you. - Hey. Susan, you wanted to see me?

203. Yeah. Have a seat.

204. So, uh, you wrote a spec script called "Witch Hunt," correct?

205. - Yeah. - Hmm.

206. Was that bad? Am I in trouble? I... I, like, did it on my own worktime.

207. We want to buy it.

208. What?

209. You hit on a premise we wanna use for episode 12.

210. Wow. Ooh.

211. That's, uh... how did that happen? What—

212. Yeah, we'll talk about all that later. Here's the deal.

213. - Okay. Mmm-hmm. - The offer is scale.

214. And if you stay on top of your tutoring duties,

215. I will even consider letting you sit in on the rewrite.

216. But if the answer is no, tell me now so I can move on.

217. Yes. I mean, if that's what the deal is then, yes.

218. I don't even have to think about it. Yes, uh, deal.

219. All right. Connor will be in touch, and we'll work out all the details later.

220. - Great. - All right.

221. God, it feels good to be in here.

222. - The sanctuary. - Um, I... I have to get back to work.

223. - Right. Okay, yeah. Okay. - But thank you so much, Gus.

224. - Thank you. Mmm-hmm. - Thank you.

225. And if you look to your left,

226. you will see our famous New York City street.

227. Now this facade has changed numerous times over the years.

228. Most recently it has been redressed to be the main street in the show Witchita.

229. - Oh, my God. Bertie. - So everybody follow me.

230. That's Gus's show. It shoots on this lot. We should go say hi to him.

231. - Oh. Um... I don't really want to. - What? Come on, it'll be so much fun.

232. We can't be on the lot and not say hi to him.

233. Besides, this tour is so boring, isn't it?

234. Oh.

235. - What? - This day isn't about me at all, is it?

236. What are you talking about? Of course it is.

237. You just want to see Gus. That's why you brought me here,

238. 'cause you thought it would be too weird to show up here on your own.

239. It's like how you didn't wanna go to the party on your own.

240. You didn't really need me there, you just wanted a wingman.

241. What? Is that what you really think? Wow. I...

242. All right, you're right. That's exactly what I'm doing right now.

243. - And I'm really sorry. - It's okay. I understand. It's cool.

244. Wait. Well, don't walk away. You could call me a name.

245. Yell at me. Call me a bitch.

246. I'm a narcissistic asshole. I could take it.

247. No, thanks. See you later.

248. I'll come catch up with you in, like, 15 minutes.

249. Hey, hey. Hey, what's up.

250. Uh... they're buying the script I wrote.

251. What?

252. The script I wrote, Witchita is buying.

253. - It's gonna be episode 12. - Oh, my God!

254. - That is huge! - I know. It's—

255. Oh, I'm so happy for you.

256. - Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. How big is my part?

257. - Pretty big. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - It is? Okay.

258. Well, it's an awesome idea. It's like, a serial killer comes to town, right?

259. - Okay. - Okay, so they start blaming the witches.

260. - Genius. - Yeah.

261. Gotta say, don't you think we're a little exposed here? Kind of?

262. Yeah. I know. That's what makes it so hot, right? Just... just relax, okay?

263. Okay. Okay.

264. Oh, God.

265. You know what? I think they shot Titanic here.

266. Like, because of the size they can put a water tank in here.

267. Shh. Just shut up. You're wrecking this for me.

268. - Okay? - Okay.

269. Ooh.

270. Knock, knock. Oh, hey.

271. - Are you Arya? - Yeah.

272. I'm Mickey. I'm Gus's friend.

273. - Okay. - Is he around?

274. No, he'll be right back.

275. - Well, could I wait here for him? - All right.

276. - So... what are you watching? - American Horror Story.

277. - Oh. Which season? - Two.

278. Two. Is it okay if I sit with you? What happens in it?

279. It's like... it's about an asylum.

280. It's like, Zachary Quinto raping dead bodies.

281. You like that kind of shit?

282. I love it. I think it's so much better than comedy.

283. I just don't find comedy funny.

284. - So your parents let you watch this stuff? - No. But I just watch it at work.

285. Does Gus watch it with you?

286. Well, I tried to get him to watch it, but he was too scared.

287. He's kind of like a wimp, isn't he?

288. Yeah. He's, like... He gets more scared than most of my friends.

289. Have you ever seen him cry?

290. Hey, Dad. How's it goin'?

291. Good. Uh... I got some good news.

292. Yes. Uh... you know the TV show Witchita?

293. They bought my script! Yes, they bought a script I wrote.

294. Yeah, get Mom on the phone.

295. You should start reading true crime novels.

296. They're just like American Horror Story, but real.

297. What's a good one?

298. - Uh, Executioner's Song by Norman Mailer. - What's it about?

299. This guy Gary Gilmore, he killed a bunch of people, but he's, like, weirdly sexy.

300. Okay, love you, Dad. Bye.

301. - Hi! - Hi.

302. Bertie made me take this really boring studio tour.

303. And then I saw the Witchita trailer,

304. and I was like, "Oh, my God, I gotta come visit."

305. And then I met this little ball of sunshine.

306. Oh, cool. Um...

307. Uh... you really shouldn't be here.

308. No! Oh, my God. Arya and I are such good friends now.

309. She is way cooler than that stupid tour.

310. The studio tour is bullshit. My uncle went on it and he hated it.

311. - This is barely a working lot. - Mmm-hmm.

312. Gus, there you are. Hi, Arya.

313. Uh, Heidi would like you at the table read.

314. Oh, yeah, probably has something to do with my script.

315. - What do you mean your script? - Yeah, uh, Witchita bought my spec script.

316. Gus!

317. - Oh, my God, Gus. - Isn't that cool? Yeah. Yeah.

318. - Oh, that's so amazing. - Are you guys, like, a couple?

319. Uh, we're a... couple of something. Yeah. Yep.

320. That is the least sexy thing I've ever heard.

321. Hey, so, um... I should probably get going.

322. Okay, great. I'll come with you.

323. Oh, you know, um... I don't think that's a good idea.

324. Don't be such a stick in the mud. Is he always this lame?

325. - Usually much worse. - Let's go. Okay.

326. Okay, great. It was really nice meeting you, Arya.

327. - Follow me on Instagram. - Okay.

328. Network table read, huh?

329. - Yeah. - Never been to one of those.

330. Yeah, they're pretty private. Sorry.

331. Well, maybe I could stick around and we'll have a coffee after.

332. Uh... hey, you know what? I just...

333. I think, uh, I'm gonna be really busy and, um...

334. I don't wanna be late for this. So, uh, talk later?

335. Yeah, why don't you call me later tonight?

336. - Yeah, we'll figure something out. - Or tomorrow, or—

337. Definitely, definitely. We'll talk.

338. - Good luck. - Okay. Bye.

339. Uh, this is where the writers sit.

340. Oh.

341. Yeah, didn't you hear? They're buying my script, so...

342. This isn't your episode. Take it back a row.

343. You want me to...

344. Yeah, it's just not— - So Rebecca can sit there.

345. Oh. She's a full-timer.

346. Yeah. No, no, no, no. I... I get it.

347. - No offense, but sit back there. - No, no. No, none taken.

348. - Thanks, dude. - This is actually kind of a better angle.

349. Great. Good. Great.

350. All right.

351. This is... episode 311, "Bring Out the Dead,"

352. written and directed by yours truly, Susan Cheryl.

353. "Exterior, Witchita.

354. The rising sun pours forth its crimson light

355. as if anticipating the scarlet hues of bloodshed.

356. We hear a disembodied voice."

357. "Awake, little town. As the sun rises, the dark powers rest.

358. But tonight, the dead will have their day,

359. and your day will become a waking nightmare."

360. "A single raindrop dangles from the church steeple."

361. - Excuse me? - Yeah?

362. Hi. Do you have any romantic comedy-themed merchandise?

363. Preferably something with Winslet and Diaz?

364. Uh... no, sorry.

365. - This is very disappointing. - Yeah.

366. I've had a depressing day and I just wanted to get something

367. that would remind me that happiness can find you when you least expect it.

368. We have some new T-shirts on sale. They got the Mar Vista Studios logo.

369. - Well, that's something. - Yeah. Real comfortable. 100% cotton.

370. - Wow. - Yeah.

371. - Not all T-shirts have that. That's great. - Uh-huh.

372. Do you have anything other than triple-XL?

373. No. I mean, that's why they're on sale, you know.

374. - I could maybe wear it as a nightgown... - Yeah.

375. - ... or when I'm cleaning. - Yeah.

376. Yeah.

377. - I'm gonna take two. - Oh, cool. Awesome.

378. Hey, Gus!

379. Hey. Mickey. You're still here?

380. Can I talk to you for one second?

381. Uh... okay.

382. - Hi, hi. Hi. - Hey.

383. - Um... - What's up?

384. Well, I don't know. What is up?

385. I thought we had a good time the other night.

386. - Did we not have a good time? - Yeah, no, totally.

387. - We totally did. - Okay.

388. Then why are you being so mean to me? Did I do something?

389. Could you just tell me what I did?

390. And then I'll leave you alone. I'll go away.

391. Okay. Well, first of all, you showed up unannounced again, you know?

392. You did it last night at my house and now you're doing it at my job.

393. So, I don't know what you're expecting my reaction to be.

394. Like, you want it to be positive? I mean—

395. I'm just picking up on what you put down. I mean, we had sex two days ago.

396. - Do you not remember that? - Okay. Yeah.

397. We have sex... - Ooh.

398. - ... and you turn into this huge dick. - Oh, shit.

399. What about you, you know? You're pretending to, like, be this, like,

400. cool girl, you know, who doesn't follow the rules of how things go,

401. but then we have sex,

402. and then you immediately become like every other lame girl

403. who, like, gets clingy and won't give a guy space. Okay?

404. Surprise! I'm not the cool girl, okay?

405. I'm not just some girl that you can fuck for a while

406. to prove to yourself that you can be dangerous and edgy,

407. and you're not some huge dork,

408. and then you go off and marry whatever boring lady.

409. Okay, so that's what I am to you then. I'm just this fucking dork, huh?

410. I'm this fucking dork who you fuck and then you can feel like

411. you're getting your life together 'cause you're fucking a nice guy

412. and you're not fucking a piece of shit anymore, okay?

413. - No! No! - Don't make me that guy, okay?

414. I like you.

415. And you can't handle it. And guess what?

416. Everything that I'm doing right now, if you liked me, you would be so into it.

417. - Oh, whatever. No. - You would love it

418. - if some girl just showed up at your work. - No!

419. I wouldn't. No. Because this job is important to me, okay?

420. And just because, like, you're okay with, like, fucking up your life,

421. doesn't mean you can just come in and fuck up my life!

422. Ooh. Wow, you're mean. Do you know that?

423. - Oh, I'm the mean one? - You're actually a really mean person.

424. - You're the mean one. - No, you're a huge prick.

425. You pretend to be nice and that's worse.

426. I am who I am. I'm not pretending to be anything.

427. What is that even... I don't even know... You're fucking crazy right now.

428. I am not crazy!

429. - You're being crazy. - Don't make me feel crazy!

430. And here she is. That's the girl that you fucked

431. - the day after we had sex! Yes. - Whoa.

432. Are you okay, sweetheart?

433. - No, I'm not okay. Okay.

434. Okay, Heidi, can you just, uh, give us some...

435. I'm just trying to figure this out.

436. No problem at all. I hope you feel better.

437. Yeah, I hope you go fuck yourself!

438. Hey! Will you be nice? Can you just be nice?

439. You're not nice. You're fucking mean.

440. - And it's not nice to have sex with me... - Hey, handle this.

441. - Just a sec. Okay. All right. - ... and then the next day fuck her.

442. - You're being crazy. - I'm not crazy!

443. - You're being crazy! - No, I'm not being crazy!

444. - This is over. This is over. - You know what? Fuck this.

445. You can't throw me out, 'cause I wanna fucking go.

446. - Okay, then go. Go, please, go. - You are lame. Bye.

447. Can I have security at the front gate please?

448. Yeah. Whoo!

449. Is this the right way? Yes, it is.

450. Okay. All right, all right. I got it. I got it. Jesus fucking Christ.

451. Thank you.

452. Bertie? Hey, this is Mickey. I'm sorry, I know I fucked up.

453. I'm an asshole. Can you just call me back, please?

454. 'Cause I... I need to talk to you right now, okay? All right.

455. Fuck.

456. Thanks again for picking me up from the studios.

457. I can't believe Mickey ditched me.

458. Oh, it's all right. I was... wasn't working today, anyway, so...

459. Oh, really? What do you do?

460. Oh, well, uh, I'm un... unemployed right now.

461. - Thanks. - Yeah.

462. You know, Ferris Bueller would never do what Mickey did.

463. He was really loyal to his friends.

464. The only ones he ever lied to were the grown-ups.

465. Yeah, and you know what's weird? It's how, like, we're the grown-ups now.

466. Oh, I've felt like a grown-up for ages.

467. In Australia, we start drinking when we're 12.

468. - Twelve? That's really young, right? - Oh, yeah.

469. At 12, I was probably still sleeping in my mom's bed.

470. Excuse me?

471. Yeah, between my mom and dad. I watched a lot of scary movies.

472. Susan, I am so, so sorry.

473. This show is not your personal episode of The Bachelor.

474. I know that. I know. And just so you know, like,

475. I didn't invite that woman, okay? I barely know her.

476. And I don't invite anybody on set. Even, like, when my mom was in town—

477. - Gus, shut up. - Yes, ma'am.

478. You are on thin fucking ice. Now, you just sold a script to this show.

479. This week could be the first week of your writing career or the last.

480. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

481. - Yes. Absolutely. Totally, yes. - Good. Now get out.

482. - Hey, this is Gus. Leave a message.