Love 1x5

1. Hi, Mickey, alcoholic. Hi, Mickey.

2. Um... I'm doing good, doing the work.

3. This weekend was...

4. weird, tough.

5. My friends had this party,

6. and let's just say...

7. I let things get out of hand.

8. I didn't drink. I'm still sober,

9. but it was the first time in a super long time

10. that I felt like getting fucked up,

11. so I thought I should bring myself to a meeting.

12. - Mickey? Mickey! - Oh! Hey, Dianne!

13. Yeah, I thought I saw you in there.

14. Hey, beautiful. Oh, it feels like forever.

15. Yeah. Uh, work and everything, yeah.

16. - You wanna smoke? - Uh, no. I quit.

17. - Oh, good for you! Yeah, I know.

18. So how are you? How are things with you?

19. They're good? - Yeah.

20. Yeah, do they not seem good?

21. No, no! I just... Um...

22. You know, what you said in there, and...

23. and I know.

24. I know. I've been there, sweetie. So, you know what?

25. If you feel like picking up a drink, you pick up the phone instead,

26. 'cause I know you have my number.

27. - Don't file it— Dial it.

28. - Yes, I know. - Yes.

29. - Okay. - You're right, you're right. I will.

30. I know, I know, everybody hates making the calls,

31. but I'd love to hear from you. I really would.

32. And I will do that.

33. You know, it's amazing how many things you can get done

34. when you take out that part of your brain that's focused on not getting high.

35. Right.

36. I'm just getting to know myself.

37. It's the longest I've ever been single.

38. It's so nice to not be seeking all these outside things,

39. you know, like drinks or guys or...

40. You know, I— I've just been so distracted by being happy.

41. Okay.

42. Okay.

43. Mickey, you decent?

44. Yeah, I'm just changing my pillowcases.

45. I should change my pillow.

46. Do you know, after five years,

47. half the weight of your pillow's, like, bugs?

48. - What's up? - I just wanted to get my jacket.

49. Oh, my God.

50. Bertie...

51. you look fucking hot.

52. - Really? - Very hot.

53. Thank you. Um, can I get my jacket?

54. Oh, the denim one? Yeah.

55. So, uh, are you stoked for tonight?

56. - Yeah. A little nervous. - What?

57. No! You shouldn't be. Gus is a sweetheart.

58. I have a really good feeling about this.

59. Well, you know what? I've been thinking about it,

60. and I have high hopes.

61. That's the spirit.

62. And thank you so much for setting this up.

63. It makes me feel good, 'cause I know you think he's nice,

64. which means you think I'm nice, so I'm on your nice list.

65. So, it's like that thing where if someone says to you,

66. "Hey, do you have someone nice you can set my friend up with?"

67. - That's me. - Yeah.

68. I'm a very big fan of Bertie.

69. And you deserve to be with a guy like Gus.

70. - Here you go. - Thank you.

71. So, what's going on? Are you guys going to dinner?

72. - I think so. - Anything after?

73. I dunno. Maybe we'll hang out. Should we come back here?

74. Will you be here? Or asleep?

75. I'll just keep my door closed,

76. and text me, "Had a good night," on your way home,

77. and I'll know you guys are gonna do it.

78. Oh, I couldn't move that fast.

79. Also, my period ended yesterday, so I really don't feel like...

80. I don't know, maybe I should just suck him off?

81. I can't tell you whether or not to blow somebody.

82. I can't be held responsible.

83. Do you give blowjobs on a first date?

84. Um, I have given blowjobs on a first date.

85. I've only done it twice, and neither turned out ideal.

86. I mean, I don't want to be the kind of person

87. who doesn't give blowjobs,

88. but if they're not any good...

89. Who cares? I should give more. I deserve to have fun.

90. Fuck, yeah.

91. I mean, I don't know why I make such a big deal out of it.

92. Everyone says that blowjobs are, like, the new making out.

93. Look, there are risks either way.

94. I gave a guy an amazing blowjob on a first date,

95. and he wouldn't stop calling me for three years.

96. I couldn't shake him. So there are pros to giving a bad blowjob.

97. What?

98. You look so pretty.

99. Oh, he's almost here.

100. - Um... - You know what? Don't worry about it.

101. Just finish getting ready.

102. - I will answer the door. - Thank you.

103. - Oh, hey, Gus. Come on in. - Hey.

104. Bertie's still getting ready.

105. Okay. Sure.

106. Yeah, sorry, I'm a little early.

107. You always are.

108. Yes. It's my trademark.

109. So, you gonna take Bertie out to dinner?

110. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to this place...

111. uh, Tucker's, it's called.

112. Tucker's. I never heard of it.

113. Yeah, I hadn't either.

114. But a foodie friend of mine, she usually knows what's up,

115. and she told me to go, so...

116. - Ugh. - What? What are you reading?

117. I'm not reading a good review on Yelp.

118. Oh. Oh. "The calamari seemed frozen."

119. - Shit. That's not good, hmm?

120. Mmm, you know what?

121. Fuck it, 'cause this is usually just one pissed off dude

122. who had a bad experience and then wrote, like, 50 bad reviews.

123. Oh, that's nice of you to say,

124. but I don't think Yelp allows you to do that.

125. Oh, you'd be surprised.

126. This dry cleaner fucked up my jacket,

127. and I created all these fake email addresses,

128. and wrote all these bad reviews.

129. It took all day, but it felt great.

130. Oh. Well, do me a favor.

131. Go on to Yelp and, uh, write some good reviews

132. for this fucking dump we're going to.

133. - Can do. - All right. Good.

134. What are you two giggling about?

135. Oh, uh, nothing.

136. Uh, Mickey was saying that the place we're going to is, uh, not so good.

137. So, uh, I guess there's some bad Yelp reviews.

138. But maybe we should go somewhere else then?

139. - I don't know. - No, I think that's good.

140. Let's go and let's just see what it's like.

141. And even if it's bad, we should write a good review

142. because we're nice.

143. Yes, I agree. Perfect.

144. Well, should we, uh...

145. should we hit the road?

146. Let's do it. - All right.

147. - Oh, my God. You're so cute. Look at this.

148. In a year, I'm gonna be bragging that I introduced you at your wedding.

149. - Oh, well I... - Oh.

150. Oh, did I make it weird? I made it weird.

151. - No. - No. No.

152. - Let's go. - Okay, cool.

153. Just a heads up, my car sort of smells like McDonald's.

154. Oh, great!

155. Sorry, I slammed that door harder than I meant to.

156. It's fine. It's just a door. Right.

157. - Here's your table. - Thank you.

158. Thank you.

159. - Thank you. - Mmm-hmm.

160. - Thank you. - And your waiter will be right with you.

161. - Oh, great. Thank you. - Awesome. Thank you.

162. - Thank you. - Thanks.

163. Thanks a lot.

164. Wow.

165. - Nice place. - I know, right?

166. - Fancy. - Yeah.

167. And, um, you look great, by the way.

168. Aw, thank you. You look really nice, too.

169. Aw, thanks.

170. We both clean up good. We should be proud.

171. So I lend this bag of dicks $5,000, okay?

172. Says, "Can I pay you back in three months?"

173. I don't even think about it. I keep my mouth shut.

174. Three months go past, I don't have any money in my pocket,

175. and the motherfucker comes up to me

176. and he asked me for another two grand.

177. No, he didn't! - You wanna look at him?

178. I have a very strong mental image of what he looks like,

179. so I really don't need to actually look at him.

180. - Oh, what is it? - A flat, four-foot...

181. - Mmm-hmm. - ... but very big, very wide,

182. but very small man.

183. Like, a sleeveless t-shirt,

184. and one of those, like, you know those things

185. that miners wear with, like, the light on?

186. - Sure. Yeah. - Yeah. No pants.

187. - All to a tee.

188. Good evening. My name is Ben.

189. - Hello, Ben. Hello.

190. Just so you know, we have a special tonight,

191. the steak, dry-aged 30 days, Wagyu beef,

192. mint on top, medium rare. It melts in your mouth.

193. I had it last night and it knocked me out.

194. - Wow, that sounds so good. - Yeah.

195. I'll give you guys some time.

196. Can I start you with some water? Sparkling? Tap?

197. Uh... tap? - Oh, yeah, sparkling.

198. Sparkling.

199. - Yeah, cool. - Okay. I'll be right back.

200. - Great. Great. - Thank you. Thanks, again.

201. Mmm. Mmm-mmm.

202. This kid die or what?

203. Get— Grandpa! Stop eating yourself out.

204. Get out of here!

205. And now, you're just a few steps away from having your home

206. just the way you want it.

207. Now on to design tip number 15:

208. maximizing living space by limiting yourself to just a few large items.

209. I like to use the three-day rule.

210. Start by removing anything you don't use in three days.

211. That will help you get rid of all unwanted clutter.

212. You'll find that moving only one or two items will get the job done.

213. And that's all there is to it.

214. Following these steps will give you the living room of your dreams.

215. - Oh, thank you. - Thank you.

216. And can I get you guys started with some drinks?

217. Yeah. I'd love to get a glass of red wine, if there's anything you could recommend.

218. Yeah, yeah. We have a NorCal Malbec that I'm quite fond of,

219. - right there. - Oh, great.

220. - And for you, sir? - Um, yeah, could I just get a sea breeze?

221. - Sea breeze. - Yeah.

222. - I can hook you up. - Cool.

223. Great. Nice guy. - Very cool. Very cool.

224. A little cold in here. - Yeah.

225. I just noticed there's, like, an air conditioning vent,

226. like, right above you.

227. It's just blasting cold air on you. Are you okay?

228. Yeah, no, I'm fine.

229. - Do you wanna switch seats or— - No, no, please. I'm fine.

230. - You want my jacket? - I'm absolutely fine, but thank you.

231. Okay. Just let me know.

232. I mean, if you get uncomfortable or anything...

233. Uh, so you were saying you're a tutor?

234. I'm sorry, what? I didn't... Couldn't hear you.

235. Oh, that's okay. People say I always mumble. Um...

236. No, no, no. I just have terrible hearing.

237. That's fine.

238. - Well, we're both crippled.

239. Um, you were saying you're a tutor?

240. A tutor, yes. Yeah.

241. Uh, on-set teacher for the show, um, Witchita.

242. So the kids on the show, you're like their school?

243. Uh, yeah, basically.

244. What about you? What do you do?

245. Oh, I work for this company called Golden Coast Research and Surveys.

246. We specialize in focus groups.

247. Oh. Fun.

248. And you, like... you moderate the focus groups or...

249. Oh, I don't really like to think of it as moderating.

250. I think it's more like interacting.

251. So what I do is I try to get a dialogue going

252. and then I just listen.

253. That's what I love about my job.

254. It's about listening, and it's about working together,

255. and creating a consensus,

256. and then giving that information to corporations,

257. so that they can make better products for consumers.

258. That's a cool perspective, 'cause I feel like a lot of times,

259. the way people talk about focus groups, is, like...

260. They rag on 'em, you know, 'cause it's like,

261. "Oh, they dumb things down," or "They water things down," or...

262. That came out rude. I didn't mean it.

263. No, I understand. I mean, I disagree, but, um...

264. I disagree, too. I don't feel that way. It's just, like, other—

265. You know what? I'm gonna have a quick look at the menu

266. 'cause I really wanna decide what I'm gonna order,

267. and it's hard for me to concentrate if we—

268. - We keep talking. Yeah, no. - Yeah.

269. I know. I always think about that, like, at a restaurant.

270. I'm always like,

271. "Hey, when do we just stop talking, and focus on the... the menu?"

272. - So, um. Yeah. The shower head started to leak.

273. Bam! The shower head blast off!

274. It did? - Yeah.

275. And I'm sorry, but, uh, a shower head

276. is the last thing I want coming at me when I'm naked.

277. No doubt!

278. All right, here we are.

279. Red wine for you, sir, and a sea breeze for the lady.

280. Oh, thank you, but actually, it's...

281. - Yeah. - What happened? Oh! Oh, man—

282. Oh, no, how did I mess that up?

283. - No, it's okay. - Oh, I feel terrible.

284. You know what? Those drinks are on the house.

285. - Oh, seriously? - Yeah.

286. From me to you, on the house, just because.

287. - That's nice. Thank you. - Wow. That is very generous. Thank you.

288. - And I think we might be ready to order. - Sounds great.

289. Give me just one moment. I'll be right back.

290. - Oh. - Okay.

291. Nice. Free drinks.

292. Yeah, it's a bit of a move, though, on his end.

293. You know, waiters do that. They give you free drinks,

294. so you give 'em a bigger tip and order more food.

295. I mean, he doesn't lose anything by giving us free drinks.

296. It's all gain for him.

297. It's cool. I'm just saying he's not that nice of a guy.

298. You wanna toast?

299. - Yeah? Let's toast. - Sure.

300. - To what? - Uh, well,

301. Frank Sinatra used to say,

302. "May you all live to be 100 years old.

303. And me, 100 years old minus one day so I don't have to see you die."

304. Huh. Did he really say that?

305. I think so.

306. - Cheers. - Cheers.

307. You know what? I don't care what Yelp says.

308. I'm liking this place.

309. Yeah, me, too. It's not so bad.

310. Mickey said you can't trust that anyway.

311. Like, usually it's just, like, one angry guy who has,

312. like, a bunch of different accounts, who writes a bunch of bad reviews.

313. She did that to a Thai place once.

314. She told me she did it with the dry cleaners.

315. Oh, she did both. Mickey's a badass. I love her.

316. Aw. Such a badass. Yeah, she's awesome.

317. She keeps me cool.

318. - Yeah. - Both of us.

319. I think maybe that's why she set us up.

320. Oh, yeah. Like... like, what do you mean?

321. Oh, you know, just, like, she's a lot cooler than me

322. and you're, like, a really nice guy, but...

323. - Right. - Uh, never mind.

324. - I don't think I said that right. - Oh.

325. Yeah, like, Mickey just hangs out with the cool kids.

326. Like, I'm not a cool kid.

327. Oh, I wouldn't put it that way.

328. What? I mean, come on.

329. Yeah. Yeah.

330. No, it's cool. I just... I didn't know she was such a puppeteer.

331. - I don't think that's what's... No. - Okay.

332. Okay. No, it's cool.

333. I didn't...

334. It's fine. Um...

335. - Ugh. - You're still cold?

336. I've adjusted to it. I like it.

337. Don't suffer just so other people are comfortable.

338. I used to be that person. You know, I used to be

339. somebody who was, like, afraid to ask for things because

340. - out of fear or whatever. Just tell me.

341. If you're uncomfortable, just say you're uncomfortable.

342. - It's fine. - Sue me, I don't like shrimp!

343. I love shrimp!

344. Are you kidding? They're horrible! They're all veiny. They look like insects!

345. Hey, let me ask you this. Hey, buddy, let me ask you this.

346. Uh, between a horse and...

347. and a ferret and, um, a shrimp,

348. which one looks more like an insect?

349. Hey, glasses! Come on. Shrimp, thumbs up, thumbs down?

350. - Which? - I don't know.

351. - Thumbs up? Wrong!

352. Why don't we just switch tables?

353. 'Cause they're being loud, and I can tell they're annoying you,

354. - and you're cold... - Oh, really...

355. and I think it'd just be better if we— Just let me ask.

356. - Okay. - Let's just see if it's possible, okay?

357. Sure.

358. Excuse me? Hi, um, could I...

359. Okay. So...

360. Excuse me?

361. Who am I, fucking Invisible Man?

362. Oh, no.

363. Nothing more emasculating than, like, not being noticed.

364. I might as well just take this knife, you know,

365. just come in here and cut my dick off.

366. - Oh, God. - Um... excuse me.

367. Our waiter's not seeing me. I'm just gonna talk to him.

368. - I really don't need to— - No, no, no. It's cool.

369. - It's gonna be fine. It's good, it's good. - Okay.

370. Uh, excuse me?

371. I'm sorry.

372. Excuse me?

373. Excuse me?

374. - Can we switch tables? What's the problem?

375. I am so sorry about the air conditioner.

376. Let's get you somewhere else before you freeze, huh?

377. - Uh, sure. Thanks. - Okay.

378. Cool. Yeah, she's just not having a good time, so...

379. No problem. No, it happens all the time.

380. - And I guess— - No, you don't have to bring—

381. - You sure? - You can bring it if you want.

382. Someone else will get that. That's okay.

383. - Okay. I'll put that there. - All right.

384. - And, uh, the drinks, too, or should— - Nope.

385. - Oh. Okay, cool. - Yeah.

386. Ow! Fuck!

387. Hey, it's Dianne. Leave a message.

388. Hey, Dianne. It's Mickey from AA.

389. I'm picking up the phone instead of picking up a drink.

390. Currently arranging my books by color, so looking for something to do.

391. If you could give me a call, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

392. So that'll be two steaks. One medium-well, one rare.

393. And I'll get those appetizers out to you right away.

394. - Thank you. - Aw, great. Thank you.

395. And thank you so much for letting us switch tables. Appreciate it.

396. Of course.

397. I hope I wasn't too much of a dick to that guy.

398. Did I seem like a dick, with the switching tables and everything?

399. I'm just having a hard time getting a read on him, right?

400. Yeah? Don't you think?

401. He seems fine.

402. I just don't want him to be, like, pissed off at me and then, like,

403. get revenge on me with the food, or whatever.

404. How? By poisoning you?

405. No, just, like, by... I don't know, messing with my food.

406. You know, like, not washing his hands and touching it.

407. Or, like, rubbing a booger on my steak, or putting a booger in my drink.

408. Oh, I can't hear that. I'll be sick.

409. I'm sorry. That's not me.

410. I'm not like the gross guy.

411. I was just trying to make you laugh or...

412. Is this weird? Should we have moved?

413. I feel like we fucked up, and we shouldn't have moved.

414. 'Cause now we're next to the, like, this hostess stand here

415. and that waiter station where people keep coming by and being noisy.

416. Smells like bleach, right? Do you smell bleach?

417. Maybe we should ask if we can get our old table back.

418. Okay, yeah, let's do that.

419. I'm kidding.

420. Oh.

421. Okay. Funny.

422. 'Cause, yeah, that would be crazy if we switched twice. Yeah.

423. Oh, God.

424. All right, time for those steaks.

425. - Thank you. - Ooh. Thank you.

426. - Bon appétit! - Thanks.

427. Thanks.

428. - Looks good, huh? - Mmm.

429. - It's a little bloody, isn't it? - Nope.

430. - Eating, like, tiny mouse bites. - No, it's good.

431. If a mouse ate that, he'd say, "Can I have more?"

432. This is just how I eat.

433. 'Cause if you don't like it, you don't have to eat it.

434. That is, like, really bloody.

435. The less you talk about the blood, it's... That's better for me.

436. I'm just gonna have them take it back.

437. - No, no, no. No! - It's really— It's okay.

438. - Hey! Come on. - Hey, whoa! Jesus. Okay.

439. Don't eat it fast just so I don't return it.

440. I'm sorry, please excuse me. I have to use the restroom.

441. Okay. Hey. Wait, wait, wait. Are you choking?

442. - I'm not choking. - Okay.

443. Well... you...

444. I really don't need you to take me to the bathroom.

445. - Okay. - 'Kay.

446. Oh, excuse me. Sorry.

447. Fuck.

448. And how is everything here? Are you finished?

449. Uh... no.

450. I'm not... I mean, her steak is a little bloody.

451. So maybe we can take it back, make it well done.

452. You want me to take it off the bill?

453. No. You don't have to do that. - No? Oh.

454. - Problem with yours, though? - No.

455. No, I'm just a slow eater.

456. Mmm-hmm.

457. Hey, um... I think...

458. I think she sent me a text that she meant to send to her friend.

459. Is it bad?

460. Yeah, it's pretty bad.

461. I'll tell you what, bro. I'm gonna take care of this steak for you.

462. You know what?

463. - Leave her steak. - Okay.

464. It's... it's perfect. It's...

465. it's the perfect level of bloodiness.

466. Okay.

467. - Hey. - Hey.

468. Did I miss anything?

469. Nope. Don't think so.

470. - It's good. - Mmm-hmm.

471. - Can I have a sip? - Of my wine?

472. Yeah. Can I have a little sip?

473. Uh, sure.

474. Mmm... Mmm.

475. That's good. - Yeah, it is.

476. - Can I have another sip? - Yep, go... Yeah.

477. Ugh...

478. You ever get that thing where you don't wipe very well

479. and your asshole's all itchy?

480. I don't know that I have had that.

481. I know that's not the most appropriate table talk, it's just...

482. - Yeah, it's a little gross. - It's what's on my mind,

483. so I'm just kind of, like, dealin' with it right now.

484. If I, like, kind of move it across the seat,

485. I get the scratch.

486. I'm just trying to get that butthole scratch, you know?

487. Fuck. I forgot to text my buddy.

488. It's his birthday today. Do you mind?

489. Oh, no, that's fine.

490. Text this motherfucker. That fuck.

491. That son of a bitch.

492. He's a maniac. He's a madman.

493. We used to hang out a lot in college.

494. Happy birthday.

495. You son of a bitch.

496. Oh, my God. Poor Bertie.

497. Yeah, I mean, if Boston didn't just have, like, the coldest winter ever last year,

498. then maybe I'd agree with you

499. that there's such a thing as, uh, "global warming."

500. There is scientific research

501. that says that climate change is definitely happening.

502. Climate change?

503. Climate change is like Valentine's Day.

504. It's just some fake thing a corporation made up, you know,

505. in order to make money.

506. It's like Santa Claus. You know who invented Santa Claus, right?

507. Coca-Cola Company.

508. - And are we all finished here?

509. Uh, you know what? No, I'm still picking on it.

510. It's just so good. I, like, wanna savor every ounce of it.

511. It's, like, the best steak I've ever had.

512. Okay.

513. Miss?

514. Oh, I'm done.

515. Thank you. That was fantastic.

516. All I'm saying is,

517. if global warming's real, then I'll sign a petition to end it.

518. But until then, I'm just gonna assume it's another myth the government's telling us.

519. - Like 9/11. - Hmm? What?

520. Yeah. No. Totally. Yeah, like 9/11.

521. - You're... you're a truther, too? - Oh, yeah.

522. I mean, any intelligent person can see the government was in on it.

523. Why? Oil.

524. - It was all about oil. - Mmm.

525. The government helped the terrorists.

526. If you can even consider what they did terrorism.

527. - Yeah. - I mean, what is terrorism?

528. It's just some people who believe in something,

529. and they're willing to fight for it.

530. I mean, terrorism is just, like, when you can't afford a battleship.

531. Yeah! And you know how everyone's always like,

532. "Oh, I don't support the war, but I support the troops?"

533. Fuck that. I don't support the troops.

534. - Wow. Okay. - Do you not agree?

535. No, I agree. Totally. Totally. - Yeah.

536. I hate soldiers.

537. But you know what I do like about soldiers? The guns.

538. - Oh.

539. When I'm on Tinder, I'm like, "Black, nope. Hispanic, nope.

540. - Asian, nope." - Ow!

541. - What's wrong? - I think my dick fell asleep.

542. I don't know if I, like, sat on it weird, or, like, pinched an artery,

543. but, like... my big dick fell asleep.

544. Oh, no. It fell asleep? Ouch.

545. Yeah. Hey, you know what?

546. I was thinking, maybe after we get out of here...

547. we go hit up a strip club.

548. Great. That sounds like so much fun.

549. Maybe we can wake up that numb dick of yours.

550. Perfect. Hey, let's get out of here.

551. - Let's do it. - Okay.

552. Hmm.

553. Oh, you're choking?

554. Oh, no! I guess we can't go to the strip club.

555. That is too bad.

556. All right, let's wrap this up.

557. Mickey was texting both of us. We all know.

558. Look, I know you got my text, okay?

559. What do you want me to say? It was embarrassing,

560. for you and for me.

561. I'm really sorry. It was terrible, but I didn't know what to say.

562. It was all just a little bit much,

563. with the moving from the tables, here and there.

564. Stop it. I said I'm sorry, okay?

565. Oh, my God, are you really choking? Is this real?

566. Oh, my God. He's choking! Fuck!

567. I got you! I got you, buddy. Here we go.

568. - There it is.

569. Okay, there we go, buddy. Come on! Come on!

570. It's not working.

571. It's not working? Why is it not working?

572. - There it is.

573. I'm okay.

574. I'm sorry, my bad. I'll clean it up.

575. It's okay.

576. Seriously, sorry again.

577. Well, it's okay. I started it.

578. - Did you text Mickey yet? - No. You?

579. Don't tell her what happened. She'll enjoy it too much.

580. Okay.

581. - Mickey? - Hey, Syd! How are ya?

582. I just put my kid to bed.

583. - Uh, you want a cigarette? - Please, God, yes.

584. Oh, my God. If I have to read my kid The Giving Tree one more time,

585. I'm gonna blow my brains out.

586. God, I can't even imagine.

587. I don't even know why he likes it. It's not fun. It's depressing.

588. It's like the tree is some kind of codependent,

589. who loves being a martyr.

590. It's like, "Tree, we know you went to Catholic school.

591. - Just get in therapy."

592. I was about to pour myself a glass of wine. You want one?

593. Yeah. No.

594. No. Uh...

595. Today is my first day sober, again.

596. Really? Wow.

597. Yeah.

598. I was sober for about 18 months there,

599. but I was kind of lying towards the end.

600. Mostly lying to AA people.

601. I was in AA for a while.

602. - You were? - Yeah, for three years.

603. It wasn't really for me, though.

604. I mean, it got me through a rough patch, but I'm better now, so...

605. Yeah, well...

606. Today was a rough day.

607. You know how they say, "When you feel like picking up a drink,

608. pick up a phone instead"? Well...

609. that didn't really work for me, either.

610. Yeah, I remember folks saying that.

611. I don't know, I was always like, "If I feel like picking up a drink,

612. I'm gonna pick up a drink."

613. - Or a guy. Yeah.

614. I did a lot of that before I met Jeff.

615. God, he would kill me if he caught me smoking this.

616. He made me promise him I'd quit.

617. That is so sweet.

618. - Or annoying. - No, that's nice.

619. That's like, he wants you around.

620. I've never had a guy care enough about me to want me to quit smoking.

621. I had a guy try and get me to do heroin once.

622. - Does that count?

623. I once dated a guy who used to make me clean out his litter box

624. before we could have sex.

625. Wait. He shit in a litter box?

626. - No, the cat. He had a cat. - Oh.

627. I didn't meet Jeff until I decided I deserved someone who was nice to me.

628. Thanks for the ciggy.

629. I'm sorry I wasn't more supportive.

630. I was basically like, "AA doesn't work."

631. - But that was just for me, so... - Yeah.

632. - Hang in there. - You, too.

633. If my kid's still awake when I go up there, I'm coming back down.

634. - Mmm, so good. - Mmm, the best. It's so good.

635. And it feels so good on my throat, too.

636. Oh, my God. That was so crazy, when you were choking.

637. I was, like, "Wow, he's really choking."

638. So ridiculous.

639. That happens to me, like, all the time.

640. Really? You'd be terrible at blowjobs.

641. - You think? - Yeah. A very big health hazard for you.

642. Well, I'll make sure never to suck a dick.

643. It's a good idea.

644. Hey, don't tell Mickey that I puked, by the way.

645. You can tell her.

646. So why do you think she, like, pawned us off on each other, huh?

647. You think she thinks, like, we're real freaks?

648. I think she just thinks we're both nice people.

649. Well, maybe I'm not nice, you know?

650. Like, sometimes, like, if a waiter's, like, really bad,

651. I'll just, like, tip them, like, 30%...

652. so they go, like, "I didn't deserve this."

653. You're a scumbag.

654. - Piece of shit. That's what I am. - Yeah.

655. - You're a... you're a terrible guy. - Mmm-hmm.

656. Well, I just think we're two nice people

657. who gave it our best shot and that's the best we can do.

658. Anyway, I'm into chubby guys.

659. I just gotta use the bathroom, and I'll get out of your hair.

660. - Oh, sure. It's just down the hall. - Okay. Thank you. Sorry.

661. Oh.

662. - Hey. - Hey.

663. Hi. I rearranged the furniture, obviously, but I can put it back.

664. No. It's cool. I like it.

665. So how was the date?

666. You guys stopped texting me. I felt so left out.

667. I'm... I'm sorry, though, if I butted in.

668. - Did I take it too far? - No, no.

669. It's all good. We're cool. Me and Gus just want to be friends.

670. Cool.

671. Uh, is he here?

672. Yeah, he's just in the bathroom, then he's gonna go.

673. Cool.

674. So, what was the restaurant like?

675. Were the Yelp reviews right? Did the calamari taste frozen?

676. Oh, I had steak, so I couldn't say.

677. Hey.

678. - Room's different. - Mickey rearranged.

679. Ah.

680. Oh, my God. I have that, like, same rug.

681. Except mine's in blue, not orange.

682. I wanted orange, but...

683. It's Mickey's rug.

684. Ah.

685. Got the same rug. Cool.

686. Okay, well, thank you for the good time tonight.

687. - Yes. It was fun. - That was really fun.

688. - Yeah, take care. - All right. You, too.

689. Hey, dude, those text messages were so funny.

690. - Oh, you like that? - I was laughing all night.

691. Oh. Good, good, good. You know...

692. I tried.

693. - Are you pissed at me? - Okay...

694. Mickey, you know I like you.

695. I don't have a lot of dignity...

696. but I have enough dignity to say, like,

697. hey, I don't like being pawned off on another girl.

698. I'm not just, like, some nice guy

699. who's always gonna be around for you to, like, fuck with.

700. What do you want me to say?

701. I don't know.

702. I'm not dumb. I know what this is.

703. I get it.

704. You're not interested. It's cool.

705. We can just say it's cool.

706. Pleasure to meet ya.

707. Okay.

708. - Stop!

709. Hey! Hello, that was, like, super dangerous!

710. Fun first date, huh?

711. What the fuck was that?