1. Okay.
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2. Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday,
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3. Saturday, Sunday,
sweating.
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4. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
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5. Sweating.
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6. Okay.
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7. Oh!
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8. Oh, Jesus!
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9. Rise and shine.
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10. Ahh!
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11. Ohh...
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12. Hi, that's me.
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13. Oh, hi.
It's me.
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14. Hi.
Thank you, sir.
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15. Sure.
Yes.
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16. My name is Mike.
Hi, Mike, how you doing?
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17. I'm gonna be
your driver.
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18. Okay.
Uh, welcome to Cincinnati.
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19. Thank you, that's
my only bag, so...
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20. Right this way, then.
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21. Okay, good.
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22. You can—
You don't have to—
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23. You don't have to keep—
Oh, sure.
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24. You don't have to keep
holding that up, you know?
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25. Gotcha.
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26. So how was your flight?
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27. Good, thank you.
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28. I've never been to New York.
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29. What's it—
What's it like?
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30. Just a city.
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31. Yeah?
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32. But can you—
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33. Can you describe it?
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34. Like, what are—
What are some of—
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35. What are some of the things
about New York?
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36. You know what
the thing is, Mike?
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37. I hope
I'm not being rude,
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38. but I just don't feel
like talking.
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39. Is that okay?
I just sort of...
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40. It's a great big city,
it's just a great—
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41. You never get over
how big it is.
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42. Really?
Yeah, you just—
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43. You can walk for days,
and you're still downtown.
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44. And every day,
something happens
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45. that you never thought
you'd see in your entire life.
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46. Wow!
Yeah.
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47. Wow...
Yeah.
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48. Man...
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49. Uh...
So what else?
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50. Like, what are
the people like?
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51. Okay...
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52. That's where—
That's where I'm staying?
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53. Yep.
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54. So I'll pick you up
later tonight.
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55. Yep. Thank you.
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56. Okay.
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57. Yeah, bye.
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58. Oi, Doug.
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59. Hey, how's Cinci?
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60. Why am I staying
in a Motel 86?
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61. What?
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62. I told you, Doug, I can't stay
in places like this anymore.
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63. Oh, no, you're in a motel?
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64. Come on, Doug, you knew
where they were putting me up.
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65. You're just— you just were
afraid to tell me, right?
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66. Yeah. I'm sorry,
it's just for one night.
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67. Yeah, but, Doug, I can't—
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68. I can't do shit
like this anymore.
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69. I'll kill myself
in a place like this.
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70. Just please, next time,
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71. tell them to take it out of my
check and put me in anything.
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72. You know, like a Radisson
or a Marriott,
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73. anything else, I just ca—
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74. I can't do this—
I can't do the door opening
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75. into the parking lot
and the—
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76. and the little cup with the
plastic on it in the bathroom
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77. and the person-sized
cum stain on the floor.
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78. I can't do it, man, I—
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79. I'm sorry, I'm trying to
maximize your profit out there.
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80. I don't want you to
waste money on travel.
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81. Yeah, but I would rather make
no money and live less shitty.
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82. Do you understand
what I'm saying to you?
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83. Where's—
Where's Roger, man?
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84. What?
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85. Where's Roger?
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86. He's dead.
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87. He's dead?
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88. Listen, where am I staying
next week in Oklahoma?
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89. It's a nice place,
a nice place.
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90. The club is great, good owner.
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91. Where am I staying?
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92. In a, you know...
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93. Doug, I'm there
for a week.
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94. They have a condo.
It's really nice.
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95. Ah, shit!
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96. No, it's nice.
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97. The club didn't want to keep
paying for a hotel every week,
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98. so they bought a condo
and you're staying there.
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99. Am I alone?
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100. What do you mean?
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101. I mean, am I staying alone
in the condo?
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102. Is it just me,
or am I sharing with somebody?
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103. Well, you have
your own bedroom.
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104. Oh, God damn it.
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105. Yeah, you're—
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106. You're sharing it with
the feature act.
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107. It's a two-bedroom.
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108. Who's the feature?
I don't know.
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109. The owner's daughter will
pick you up at the airport
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110. and take you there
tomorrow.
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111. I'm sorry.
I want you to be—
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112. I want you to be happy.
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113. It's not your fault.
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114. (man)
Hey!
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115. Hey, man!
What the hell?
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116. Hey!
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117. You lied about
Roger, man!
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118. He's not dead,
he's right here!
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119. He's right there,
man.
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120. You lied!
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121. Hello?
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122. Hi!
It's Mike.
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123. Your driver?
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124. Are you ready
to go to the venue?
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125. Um, Mike, it's—
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126. It's two hours
before show time.
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127. I mean, how long
does it take to get there?
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128. Oh, uh...
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129. Not more than
15 minutes or so,
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130. but I thought you might
want to get to the venue early,
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131. so I showed up early,
just to be safe.
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132. Okay, I-I—
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133. I'm okay with being
on time, okay?
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134. So just—
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135. Let's leave in 90 minutes,
okay?
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136. Then we'll be fine.
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137. Oh...
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138. Okay, that's fine.
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139. No, that is
perfectly fine.
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140. Um, do you want me
to hang out out here,
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141. or should I wait inside
with you, or...
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142. No, just wait in the car
and I'll see you there, okay?
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143. I'll see you
in 90 minutes, okay?
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144. Okay, bye.
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145. Isn't it weird
that our favorite thing
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146. is a secret
and we hardly ever do it.
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147. It's, like, really rare.
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148. I mean, even a person
that gets laid a lot,
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149. it's still like,
"Hey, I got laid."
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150. It's like a—
it's like a special thing.
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151. But it's our favorite thing.
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152. I mean, it's fundamentally
weird that we're—
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153. you guys aren't all
just turning to each other...
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154. and just having sex
right now.
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155. It's like, we work really hard
to keep it rare, too,
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156. like, we cover
all our favorite stuff.
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157. Cover it.
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158. It's really important
that you cover it.
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159. You could actually go—
You could—
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160. As long as—
You could have, like,
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161. a stripe of wide tape
and just cov—
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162. You'd be totally naked,
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163. and just cover your dick
and balls and anus with one—
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164. with duct tape.
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165. If you do that, you could
go visit the White House.
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166. Uh, last week,
Billy Burr was here.
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167. Do you know him?
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168. Yep, yeah, I know Bill.
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169. Ah...
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170. He's so funny.
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171. He did this thing where
he was trying to...
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172. and he couldn't.
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173. And he kept try—
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174. And he was—
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175. And he was nice.
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176. Like, he was, I mean,
like, really nice guy.
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177. Mm-hmm,
I'm sure he was.
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178. Nice guy. Ohh.
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179. After the show,
he was, uh...
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180. He was, uh, he said,
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181. "Hey, Mike"--
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182. I— I can't
do his voice,
Mm-hmm.
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183. but he goes, "Take me
to the cool places."
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184. So I was like,
"My pleasure."
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185. So we hung out.
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186. Oh, I took him to some
great places to eat.
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187. And he was cool.
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188. Like, he was,
mm, cool.
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189. Mm-hmm.
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190. Ah, he shook hands
with everybody.
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191. Mm-hmm.
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192. Everybody.
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193. You know who else
I drove was Mike Kaplan.
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194. And th guy
was so cool.
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195. Yeah, you know, Mike...
We hung out—
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196. Yeah, that's great,
that's great.
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197. Yeah!
Yeah, I'm glad.
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198. I'm really glad
that you met those guys.
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199. I'm glad that you
hung out with them
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200. and that they were
really cool.
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201. I'm sure they
were really cool.
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202. You know, for them,
that's the way they're—
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203. that's what they're
like, right?
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204. That they like to go
on the road and they like
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205. to see the country
and meet everybody.
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206. It's great.
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207. I'm different,
okay?
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208. I'm 47 years old.
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209. I've been
doing this for
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210. I don't even know
how long anymore,
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211. and the road is not, for me,
like an adventure, okay?
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212. It's like...
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213. I've seen it,
I've seen the whole country.
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214. I've met all the people.
I've met all of them.
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215. I've even met you,
Mike, in a way.
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216. So for me, now, the road,
it's not like an adventure.
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217. It's like, uh...
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218. It's like going
to the toilet.
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219. It's something
I have to do.
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220. And, uh, I—
I have—
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221. I don't have a lot
of choices out here,
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222. but one choice that I need
to be able to make
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223. is that I can be by myself
and not talk to everybody.
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224. And I don't mean that to be
insulting or unfriendly,
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225. that's just what I need
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226. for me to be comfortable
on the road
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227. is to not have to always
talk to folks and make friends,
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228. if I don't feel like it.
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229. So I'm sorry if that's
a bummer for you
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230. or if it's disappointing,
but it's— it's—
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231. it's what works
for me, okay?
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232. Yeah.
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233. Can I help you?
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234. Yeah, hi, um...
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235. Is this, like,
cinnamon buns with frosting
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236. or what's the—
Mm-hmm.
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237. Yep, you can get a special bun
or you can get a bun
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238. with two sauces or you
can get a hot pour bun.
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239. What's a hot pour bun?
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240. That is where
you eat the bun
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241. and then you just put
your mouth under the spigot
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242. and I pour the syrup
into your mouth.
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243. I was kidding.
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244. Okay, well...
All right.
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245. I'll take a bun.
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246. (man on PA)
Welcome to Atlanta
International Airport.
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247. This AirTrain will stop
at terminal three,
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248. terminal four,
and the central air terminal.
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249. No, I don't
want to get down.
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250. This is the terminal three
stop on this AirTrain.
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251. The next stop on this AirTrain
is terminal four.
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252. Stand clear of the closing
doors, please.
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253. Hi.
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254. Was that—
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255. Was that your mom?
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256. Is this anybody's kid?
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257. Is this anybody's
child?
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258. Is this anybody's—
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259. Can anybody look at me
and answer me?
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260. There's a kid—
This kid's left alone.
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261. Did your mom get off?
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262. It's okay, it's okay.
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263. This is the terminal four stop
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264. on this AirTrain.
You're okay, it's okay...
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265. Okay, it's all right,
it's all right.
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266. Please make sure you have
Maybe we should
get off the train.
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267. all your belongings
as you exit...
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268. It's o— I think
you should get off.
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269. I think we better—
Okay, it's okay, it's okay.
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270. Stand clear
of the closing doors, please.
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271. Um...
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272. It's okay, we gotta try
to find your...
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273. Um...
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274. It's okay.
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275. Oh, it's okay.
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276. It's okay.
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277. Look, there's a call box,
come here, we'll call them up.
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278. Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay.
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279. All right,
I'm gonna call.
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280. You can stay there.
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281. I'm just gonna
call them and...
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282. AirTrain operation.
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283. Oh, hello.
Hi, uh...
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284. I was on the AirTrain, and,
uh, and, well, a little g—
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285. Okay, there
was a family of—
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286. A woman with a bunch of kids
and she got off the train
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287. at the stop
before this one,
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288. and her daughter was left
by herself on the train,
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289. so I'm with that kid now
on the platform.
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290. What's that?
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291. Okay,
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292. Okay, well...
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293. (man on PA)
Welcome to Atlanta
International Airport.
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294. There is an AirTrain
arriving at the station.
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295. This AirTrain
will make stops...
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296. Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,
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297. we are now ready to board
Flight 654 to Charlotte.
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298. We would like to start
pre-boarding
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299. our customers who need
assistance
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300. or those customers
who are dying or afraid.
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301. Ah, shit!
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302. Oh, shhhit!
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303. God damn it.
My bag!
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304. I forgot my... bag...
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305. God damn it!
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306. Hi, uh, excu—
I'm sorry, excuse me.
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307. I lost my bag and I'm—
The gate—
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308. My plane's leaving right now
and I lost my bag.
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309. Sir, sir, if you want
to report lost luggage,
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310. you need to file a report with
the airline you flew in on.
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311. No, but, see,
it's in the ga— I—
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312. I— It's in the airport,
because it's my carry-on.
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313. Oh, that's a lot
more complicated,
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314. because that's
unattended luggage.
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315. Any unattended luggage...
See?
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316. will be confiscated
and destroyed immediately.
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317. Okay, but can—
So what do I— what do I do?
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318. Sir... just—
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319. Can you let me finish
with this woman.
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320. Maybe I can help you.
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321. Okay, I'm sorry.
I just—
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322. Can you just
please help—
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323. Okay, sir,
just one second.
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324. Okay.
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325. Yeah,
you're all set.
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326. Can you please help me?
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327. Come on, come on.
Okay, okay.
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328. Thank you
so much.
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329. Thank you.
I gotcha, just...
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330. Can we pick it up,
though?
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331. Can we go
a little faster?
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332. I'm going as fast
as I can, sir.
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333. If you want to run ahead,
I'll catch up with you.
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334. It doesn't seem like you're
going as fast as you can.
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335. Listen, I didn't—
I didn't lose my bag.
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336. You lost your bag.
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337. I know that,
I know that it wasn't...
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338. That's maintenance
over there.
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339. You see
that guy right there?
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340. Yeah.
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341. He's picking bullets out
of the belly of that plane.
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342. People who live
near airports,
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343. they shoot at landing planes
all the time.
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344. They find bullets
in almost every plane.
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345. I don't know.
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346. I mean, I don't know, I—
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347. It— that might be it.
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348. Well, we can't pull it
on that unless you sure.
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349. Well, I'm sorry,
I'm not.
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350. I mean, I can't—
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351. It's just a black bag,
I ca—
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352. I'm not 100% sure.
Copy !req
353. Okay, Bill, let it go.
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354. Sorry.
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355. Or maybe it was.
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356. I'm gonna miss
my flight anyway.
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357. Hey, where you going?
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358. Charlotte,
North Carolina.
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359. Oh, yeah,
nah, that's—
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360. That flight's
right over here.
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361. Oh, great.
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362. Yeah.
All right, cool.
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363. Hey, thanks very much
for your help.
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364. Take care.
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365. Hi. Hi.
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366. Good, thank you
very much, thank you.
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367. Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday...
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