Louie 5x5

1. I haven't had— I never had any really—

2. I haven't had a pet since I've been a grown-up.

3. I was thinking about getting into beekeeping.

4. I got interested in beekeeping,

5. so started thinking about that,

6. and I looked into it.

7. The problem is it's just too many bees.

8. Just way too many bees involved.

9. So, what I did is—

10. What I'm doing is I just keep one bee.

11. I just have one bee.

12. He's, like, depressed now. He's like 42 years old.

13. Just, like... stays home all day,

14. and I'm like, "Hey, why you got to 'bee' like that?"

15. Yeah, you hated that, didn't you?

16. Thanks a lot, folks. You've been great.

17. Good night.

18. Give it up for Louie C.K.!

19. Huh?

20. Oh, my God!

21. What's up, man? Oh, my God.

22. Uh, that bee joke was hilarious.

23. Oh, thanks, man.

24. Thank you. So funny.

25. You're like, "Yeah, I want to be a beekeeper,

26. but it's just..."

27. What is it?

28. Too many bees.

29. Too many bees! Yeah, yeah.

30. That is hilarious, man.

31. Oh, thanks, man. Thank you.

32. And there is no better way to say I'm ready, okay,

33. than some hard nipples just staring at you.

34. Hey, have you heard his bee joke?

35. Uh, no, I haven't. It's so funny, man.

36. He's like, "Yeah, so I want to go into beekeeping, right,

37. "want to be a beekeeper, but I just feel like,

38. "I don't know, there are so many bees involved,

39. and I don't think I can really handle that, you know."

40. It's really hilarious. No, no, no.

41. And then the next part, he's like,

42. "Yeah, so maybe I feel like one bee,

43. "that's gonna be easier,

44. "so, you know, I'm just gonna—

45. I'm gonna keep one of 'em," right?

46. Well, I kind of go, I just say,

47. "So, I've been looking into beekeeping,

48. "but as I looked into it, there was, like, too many—

49. "just too many bees.

50. So, I'm just gonna keep one bee."

51. What was the— And then the next part.

52. I got to— I got to— I got to— I got to go upstairs.

53. I'll see you later, man. Nice talking to you.

54. Yeah, you're a good crowd.

55. So, welcome to the stage

56. Crazy Glazy, everybody.

57. Come on!

58. Achoo!

59. Achoo! Stop that.

60. Hello. Hi, Louie.

61. How are you today?

62. Good. How are you? All right.

63. This one has a 3:00... Okay.

64. appointment/checkup-ey thing. Okay.

65. Okay, you can sit down. We had a— Okay, good.

66. Come on.

67. Can't believe we're on time.

68. Hi, how are you?

69. Hello.

70. She's not very friendly.

71. Shh!

72. Well, she's not.

73. Well, you're not.

74. I mean...

75. Jane?

76. Hey, I want one of those.

77. No. No way.

78. But you're having one.

79. So what? It's bad for you.

80. Thank you.

81. You're welcome.

82. Mmm. None for you.

83. Yá'át'ééh, Jane.

84. Yá'át'ééh, Doctor.

85. What is that?

86. It's "hello" in Navajo.

87. Yá'át'ééh, Doctor. Yá'át'ééh.

88. So, what's going on with you?

89. She's had a few little issues,

90. so we thought we'd just have her, you know...

91. Jane, what's going on with you?

92. Well, I had a really bad rash here on my arm.

93. See? Like, right along here.

94. Try to imagine big, red, blotchy spots.

95. The skin's all pink, and it itches.

96. Mm, I think I can imagine that.

97. Seems like it cleared itself up.

98. Yeah, Skip, it was, like, two days.

99. It was only there for—

100. It lasted about a month.

101. It lasted for two days, honey.

102. There wasn't—

103. I don't know. Might have been longer.

104. How long did it last?

105. Like a month.

106. What else?

107. Well, I have this weird thing in my head.

108. Yeah? Your head?

109. Yeah.

110. It's like...

111. I get this weird feeling that I'm sweating

112. but on the inside of my face.

113. And then I get this weird thing

114. where my eyes are all weird

115. and I can see electricity.

116. Like, I can see green lines

117. going from, like, a light bulb

118. to all around.

119. And then I can see that everything is just electrons

120. colliding and floating and playing.

121. And then I feel like if I just take one deep breath

122. and then just wish hard enough,

123. I could just vanish

124. into nothing

125. like I was before I was born.

126. I think you could use a glass of water.

127. Sounds to me like you're dehydrated.

128. Okay. What else?

129. Mm, that's it.

130. Good.

131. Don't you want to take a look at her?

132. I am looking at her.

133. Okay. Thanks, Doctor.

134. Come on, let's go.

135. Have a good— 's Yeah.

136. Where are we going?

137. We're picking up Lilly at her sleepover.

138. Lilly's lucky.

139. Why?

140. Well, she has friends.

141. I don't have any friends.

142. You have friends.

143. Uh, Melissa. Melissa's your friend.

144. Um, she hates me now.

145. But you guys were so close.

146. Well...

147. What do you mean she hates you?

148. Why do you say Melissa hates you all of a sudden?

149. Well, you see, she wrote this thing,

150. like a petition,

151. and it said, "Who hates Jane?"

152. And every single person in the class signed it.

153. Who is it?

154. It's Louie coming for Lilly.

155. When did this—

156. Who's Melissa to write some shit like that?

157. Oh, hi. Hi.

158. Hi. Come on in. How are you?

159. Lilly's just getting it together.

160. Stop it. Stop it. Hi, Jane.

161. I know. Stop it. Cut it out. Sorry.

162. Hi.

163. Jesus.

164. Lilly?

165. Hi, Dad. Hey.

166. Get your stuff, okay?

167. Okay. Okay.

168. Did you have fun? Yup.

169. Okay, good.

170. They didn't keep you up all night or—

171. No, no, they were great.

172. Okay. She's so great.

173. Hey, um, could you help me with something?

174. Yeah, wha...

175. What do you need? Uh, I just—

176. Well, I'm just trying to get the apartment together.

177. You know, there's so little room.

178. I thought that when— when Jack left,

179. that suddenly there would be all this extra space, but...

180. Um...

181. could you help me move this fish tank?

182. Oh, uh, move it to...

183. Well, I was— I was gonna try it in the living room.

184. You know, I just can't sleep with it in here.

185. Oh, I— I can't.

186. I— I mean, I can't just— I can't just move it.

187. No?

188. No, I mean, it's a hu— Look at it. It's huge.

189. I mean, that's— I'd have to—

190. That— That's a— You'd have to drain it mostly

191. and then take some of the fish out and...

192. Yeah, it's a professional...

193. You'd have to...

194. Oh.

195. Oh...

196. Sorry. Sorry, I just can't—

197. No. I can't anymore. I just can't.

198. It's all just too hard. It's too hard.

199. I keep trying and trying every day,

200. and I can't do it all.

201. I can't. I just can't do everything.

202. Well, I'm sorry I...

203. I can't. I just can't.

204. Well, uh, listen, I'm— I'm really sorry you're—

205. I'm really sorry you're going through that, but, um...

206. You know, I don't...

207. I don't really know you,

208. so I feel like this is a private thing,

209. like I shouldn't—

210. I shouldn't stay while you're...

211. Okay? So, you know, cheer up.

212. Just... No, it's okay. Just take, you know...

213. Just...

214. Just...

215. Okay.

216. Lilly?

217. So, how was the sleepover?

218. It was okay.

219. Micah's brother smells.

220. What'd you guys do?

221. Nothing really.

222. I mean, we ordered pizza.

223. We— We talked.

224. We saw this really good movie.

225. Oh, really? Oh, my God, it was so good.

226. It was really interesting and—

227. Those are real lobsters?

228. Yeah.

229. It's inhumane to put them in this little tank.

230. It's all right. It's okay.

231. What do you mean it's all right?

232. Just 'cause it's— It's not.

233. Imagine if you were in there.

234. But that's not somebody.

235. That's just— That's food.

236. Those— Those people are food.

237. Anyway, so it was really good.

238. It was— It was about this guy,

239. and he wears all white,

240. and, like, a bowler hat,

241. and he goes around,

242. and he beats people up with his gang,

243. but then he gets caught,

244. and they try to make him a better person

245. by, like, prying his eyes open—

246. You saw "A Clockwork Orange"?

247. Yeah, that's what it was called. Yeah.

248. Lilly, that's like the most horrible,

249. violent movie ever.

250. It— It wasn't that bad.

251. You saw "A Clockwork Orange"?

252. Yeah.

253. It was— It was, like, artistic.

254. He's snoring.

255. Shh.

256. Hey, how long was I asleep for?

257. Dad, you fell asleep in the taxi,

258. and then we came home,

259. and you went right back to sleep.

260. Really?

261. Yeah.

262. I don't remember that.

263. Oh, no.

264. Aah! Aah!

265. Fine, and I will call the owners,

266. and I'll say, "Put your dog on.

267. "You hang up the phone. I don't care about you.

268. "Put my friend on. My best friend.

269. My best friend in the world."

270. Now, look, here's the other thing I'm trying.

271. I kind of figured "I'm gonna try

272. getting into beekeeping."

273. Now, here's the thing I realized about it though.

274. There's way too many bees!

275. There's so many bees!

276. And they're stinging you. It's like, "Ooh! Oh!

277. Ow! Ooh! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ooh!"

278. Huh? What I'm gonna— Here's my take.

279. I'm gonna just do one bee.

280. Just one bee.

281. Now, look, sometimes he gets a little sad,

282. he's lonely...

283. and I just got to talk to him.

284. And I say, "Hey, why you got to 'bee' like that?"

285. Thanks very much. I'm Crazy Glazy.

286. Keep it going for Crazy Glazy, everybody!

287. What's up, dude?

288. Hey, man, what the hell?

289. What are you doing? What?

290. That's my bit— That's my— That's my bee bit.

291. Yeah, that's yours! That's right! Yeah.

292. That's so f— It's so funny, man.

293. It's so funny.

294. Dude, you don't— You did it.

295. You don't do my bit.

296. feel good. I need you to make me feel good, baby.

297. That's a lot of pressure for my cat.

298. I know, it's so funny. It's so funny.

299. Yeah, but that's stealing.

300. You can't go onstage and do somebody else's bit.

301. Louie C.K.! I know, it's like, it's your bit,

302. and it's, like, now I'm doing it.

303. It's so funny! So funny, man.

304. I don't know r) which one.

305. I don't know which one.

306. I don't know which one.

307. Don't!

308. Don't do it.

309. I'm telling you.

310. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

311. All right, this next guy is really funny.

312. Please help me welcome Louie C.K.!

313. Oh, my God!

314. Hi, this, uh, sar— sel— selfin,

315. self, selfin, selfin...

316. Moww. Moww.

317. Aah! Aah! Aah!

318. Are you all right?

319. Yeah, why?

320. Well, you look tired.

321. And very ugly also.

322. Stupid. Unfunny.

323. What's wrong, stupid?

324. Just not sleeping,

325. and I'm having nightmares.

326. What kind of nightmares?

327. Just scary shit that scares the shit out of me.

328. And then I wake up, and I'm in a cold sweat,

329. and my heart is racing.

330. Your face is ugly, brain doesn't work.

331. Nightmares are the worst

332. 'cause that's coming from the inside.

333. You can't defend against that shit.

334. That's exactly the thing about it.

335. Well, you should try melatonin.

336. I don't want to take stuff.

337. I don't like taking stuff.

338. Well, then, try hypnosis.

339. I don't like that kind of thing.

340. I'm not into that sort of thing.

341. Well, then, don't complain!

342. I mean, if you're not gonna try something

343. that might help you out,

344. don't sit here and bitch about it.

345. Sorry.

346. Everyone hates you.

347. I got to go.

348. Where's my coat?

349. Did you see my coat?

350. Brown— My brown coat?

351. I didn't see it. Nah.

352. Where is it? What did I do with my coat?

353. Hey.

354. Hey, what's up, man?

355. You're wearing my coat.

356. Oh, yeah.

357. Dreams don't really mean that much.

358. Some people think it's something in your subconscious.

359. Some believe it's your brain

360. sorting out memories,

361. throwing out what you don't need anymore.

362. Some think it's a kind of a... moral correction.

363. Way of punishing yourself.

364. But the truth is,

365. you just have to let them run their course,

366. get on with your life.

367. Ah, shit.

368. Yeah, sorry.

369. Aah! Aah!

370. Oh, Jesus Christ.

371. Please...

372. just stop!

373. Please out there, in there,

374. just give me a break.

375. Okay, I'm going back to sleep.

376. Please don't be scary now.

377. Okay?

378. Please just be nothing.

379. Okay, here I go.

380. Like this?

381. Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

382. Prah. Prah. g)

383. Prahhh...

384. Ah...

385. Ah, shit!

386. Goddamn it!

387. Can I get one of these cannolis please?

388. Sure.

389. Thanks for coming out. I appreciate it.

390. It's all right.

391. I acted weird on purpose when I left

392. to make Andy suspicious.

393. Why?

394. I want to— I want to make her think I'm cheating on her.

395. She's getting too confident,

396. but I'm actually too old to do anything, you know?

397. What are you doing? You haven't paid for that yet.

398. I'm not gonna steal it.

399. You know what that filling's made of?

400. What? Raccoon jizz.

401. How do they get it?

402. Got a guy out back with a rubber glove.

403. They jerk off right into the pastry.

404. Nice. And there they go.

405. That's good.

406. Still having those nightmares?

407. Every night.

408. I get PTSD from going to sleep.

409. It's like the opposite

410. of what sleep is supposed to do for you.

411. Well, at least you get some sleep.

412. You're not sleeping at night?

413. Well, I fall asleep no problem,

414. but I wake up exactly two hours later,

415. like, every night.

416. And you can't get back to sleep?

417. No!

418. I'm ordering stuff. I'm buying stuff.

419. I have, like, 14 porcelain dolls at my house.

420. So...

421. let me ask you something.

422. What?

423. What do you think is causing these nightmares?

424. Whoa, whoa. You all right?

425. Yeah.

426. You sure?

427. I— I want you to ask yourself this.

428. What was going on in your life

429. when you started having these nightmares?

430. Hey, Barbara. Oh, hi. Hi.

431. Um, I came to help you move your fish tank.

432. Got some stuff for the fish tank.

433. Really? Yeah.

434. Come— Come on in. Okay.

435. ♪ I fear they'll come again

436. I'm trying to reach...

437. ♪ I dream of dying babies

438. Okay.

439. Hey. All right?

440. All right.