Louie 5x3

1. Oh, hi. Hi, can I—

2. Hi— Hi, can I get some help with the copper pots? Yes?

3. Oh, those are professional grade.

4. Like, for very serious cooks.

5. Oh, I'm a— I'm—

6. I am interested in them.

7. I need to get a key to unlock them Okay—

8. and we're about to close up.

9. Can you believe that shit?

10. Shh.

11. And your receipt's in the bag.

12. Thanks so much.

13. Hi. Hello.

14. Is this everything?

15. Yeah, I guess so.

16. Great.

17. I would have really liked to have looked at the pots.

18. What's that?

19. I was really interested in those—

20. in the copper pots.

21. Yeah, we're closing now, though.

22. Yeah.

23. Listen, can I— Can I say something?

24. Mm-hmm? I just—

25. Look, I'm an idiot, okay?

26. I'm the kind of idiot that will come into a store like this

27. and I'll buy tons of stuff that I don't need,

28. just 'cause I love this kind of stuff,

29. and I probably would have spent, like,

30. I don't know, $2,000 in here today

31. if you had paid any attention to me,

32. so you know, I mean, I get it that maybe you just work here,

33. so it doesn't matter to you,

34. but I would think that the owners of the store—

35. I am the owner.

36. You are?

37. Yes.

38. Well, all the more reason.

39. Why didn't you give me a little—

40. Why didn't you help me out?

41. Because, frankly, most of our clientele are younger,

42. and they are serious about cooking.

43. Our customers come here to find the best,

44. not because they want their egos stroked

45. by a young Asian clerk.

46. Whoa!

47. Whoa, wait a minute, I didn't—

48. I didn't even—

49. I didn't know you were—

50. I didn't even know you were Asian.

51. Really?

52. Yeah, no, I don't— You might've—

53. I would have thought maybe you might be Welsh,

54. maybe you're Welsh.

55. Oh. Right.

56. Welsh.

57. So you just don't care about your customers.

58. That whole customer is always right approach

59. is kind of old-school.

60. Oh, is it?

61. Oh, okay, then.

62. Then, noted, thank you very much.

63. In the future, I will take my business elsewhere.

64. Please do.

65. Please go to Williams-Sonoma.

66. They'll be very indulgent.

67. Wow.

68. Wow, that's a— That's a new approach.

69. So you have nothing to learn

70. from thousands of years of human commerce?

71. Just, nothing.

72. I really hope that works out for you.

73. Well, I'm 24 and I own my own store in Manhattan.

74. All right then.

75. All right.

76. I will alert my entire generation

77. that your generation needs nothing from us.

78. We will just be on our way.

79. Well, if you could help clean up the environment

80. you ruined on your way out.

81. Oh, is there anything else we can get for you,

82. your majesties?

83. Do you always get uncomfortable around younger people?

84. Yeah, I don't know.

85. I don't know why.

86. I think I maybe know why.

87. Okay.

88. Because we're the future.

89. You don't belong in it.

90. Because we're beyond you and naturally,

91. that makes you feel kinda bad.

92. You have this deep down feeling that you don't matter anymore.

93. Yeah, that's— That's—

94. That's pretty true, yeah.

95. You should be glad, though.

96. I mean, do you have kids?

97. Yeah, two girls.

98. Do you want your kids' world to be a step above yours?

99. Isn't that what we're all doing?

100. Sure.

101. So, doesn't it follow

102. that if you're a good parent

103. and your kids evolve and are smarter than you,

104. they're gonna make you feel kind of dumb?

105. Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

106. So if you feel stupid around young people,

107. things are going good.

108. Hey, you.

109. Get outta the street.

110. Hear me?

111. Move it, now.

112. Keep walking, pal, keep walking.

113. You hear me?

114. Stop looking at me.

115. Hey, excuse me.

116. You. Bag man.

117. Can you pull over please?

118. You.

119. Let me see some identification, pal.

120. I'm talking to you.

121. Can I see some identification, please?

122. What the hell? What's the problem?

123. I wasn't doing anything. What the hell's the problem, you jerkoff?

124. Lenny. Jesus Christ. Come here, you jerkoff.

125. How you doing? You big piece of shit, how are you?

126. How are you? It's good to see you.

127. I haven't seen you in a long time, yeah,

128. it's been a long time.

129. I know, I ain't seen you in a really long time.

130. I ain't since your sister dumped me in the trash

131. like a dead baby, Yeah.

132. but I see you're a big-time comedian now, right?

133. Aw, you know. I saw you on the Jimmy— What's-his-name show.

134. You were, uh...

135. You looked like shit, but you were half funny.

136. Thanks, man. It's good to see you, man,

137. it's nice to— It's good to— What are you doing?

138. You walking away from me when I'm talking to you?

139. Hey! Sammy!

140. This guy was almost my brother-in-law.

141. How about that shit for a minute, huh?

142. Ah, he don't care, he's Chinese.

143. Yeah, well, it's nice to see you, man.

144. Yeah, you know, we should hang out sometime.

145. Sure, yeah. What are you doing tomorrow?

146. You want to go to a Knicks game?

147. Uh, I don't— Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

148. Don't say you want to hang out

149. and not hang out with me, Louie.

150. Come on. I'm from back—

151. No, no, no, no, I know. No, no, no, I know.

152. I didn't— I wasn't—

153. Yeah, but I'm saying, I'm from back home, remember? I wasn't trying—

154. Yeah, yeah, no, I know. I'll take you to the Knicks game,

155. we'll sit on the floor, you can spit on the players if you want.

156. You wanna spit on the players?

157. I mean... You got a phone number? Give me your phone number.

158. You got a phone?

159. Where's your phone?

160. What's your code? This is your phone?

161. Yeah.

162. What's your code?

163. 6-7-8-9.

164. 6-7-8-9.

165. This is a piece of shit, all right?

166. I'm calling my phone.

167. All right, now we got each other's phone numbers.

168. Okay. And we'll stay in touch, I'll call you, all right?

169. Tomorrow. All right, sure.

170. It's a Knicks game! Okay, sure.

171. All right, it's great to see you, Louie.

172. Yeah, it's good to see you too, Lenny. Okay, yeah.

173. All right, I'll see you around, you big piece of shit.

174. Look at you.

175. All right, man.

176. This guy's a big comedian, Sammy.

177. He's a big, famous comedian.

178. Excuse me, sir!

179. Don't let me see you molesting kids anymore

180. or I'm gonna bring you in, you understand me?

181. All right. Okay. Don't be offering kids candy in the street, you freak.

182. Shit.

183. Ah.

184. Coming.

185. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

186. Open the door, dickhead.

187. It's the cops.

188. Back away from the door!

189. Hey! Jesus Christ!

190. Back away from the door. Jesus!

191. Stop it! Don't move.

192. Hey, man, cut that out. Put your hands in the air.

193. Asshole. What asshole?

194. You don't insult the man with the gun.

195. That's not funny, that's not funny, man.

196. Aw, come on, take it easy, Louie.

197. Jesus, man. How are you?

198. I'm all right. Ah.

199. So, uh... this is where you live, huh?

200. Yeah, that's where I live.

201. Yeah. All right.

202. This is how a comedian lives, huh?

203. This is— This is nice.

204. Thank you. I was being sarcastic.

205. Okay.

206. How much they got you paying for rent here, huh?

207. Too much.

208. Yeah, I bet.

209. Where do you live?

210. I live in, uh... Staten Island.

211. Way nicer place than this.

212. Oh, good, good, good.

213. So you ready to go to the game?

214. Sure, yeah.

215. All right. All right, let's go.

216. Louie, Louie, oh! Okay.

217. Okay. Huh, it's good to see you, huh?

218. All right. All right. Oh!

219. Hey. What?

220. Take a bow.

221. Jesus. Ah, ball tap.

222. You remember, I used to play basketball for North, right? Right.

223. Your sister used to come to all the games. Yeah, sure.

224. Pretty good, right? Yeah-yeah.

225. Oh, Rex goes up for the shot!

226. It's good!

227. You don't know, the whole thing with me is ball handling.

228. Right. You know, you gotta be able to control the ball,

229. you know what I mean?

230. Like, try to steal the ball from me.

231. Come on, try to steal it.

232. No, no, no. Come on, try to steal it,

233. you try to steal the ball from me. All right.

234. Come on, just try to steal the ball, Louie.

235. Try to get it. Okay. Okay. All right.

236. This is my patented move. I take it this way—

237. Oh!

238. And it—

239. Oh!

240. Yes!

241. In your face, loser!

242. You suck, man!

243. In your face, man!

244. That's what I do, man!

245. All day!

246. You know, different situations, you gotta do different things.

247. You just sneak it in— Don't you—

248. Don't move!

249. Son of a bitch!

250. Right. Don't you move!

251. And that's it.

252. Usually the guy will just— He'll just—

253. He'll give up and that's the end of it

254. and most of the time you don't even have to do that,

255. but sometimes you get in their face hard, you know?

256. Hard, fast.

257. I never give a shit if they're winning or losing,

258. we're going to a Knicks game,

259. world's most famous arena, it's gonna be cool.

260. Yeah.

261. How you doing, pal.

262. Hey, you can't come in here.

263. It's all right, pal, I'm on the job.

264. That don't matter.

265. You can't come in here.

266. Hey, what's your name— Smith?

267. You're from the third, right?

268. Nah.

269. Look, I come in here all the time.

270. Everybody in there knows me.

271. I don't know you.

272. Come on, bro, look, you're embarrassing me

273. in front of my friend.

274. We're supposed to go to the game.

275. Well, that's your fault

276. for thinking you can come in this way.

277. You can't come in this way.

278. Lenny... You gotta take a walk.

279. It's all right, man, it doesn't matter.

280. It's okay.

281. No, it don't matter. It's all right.

282. Asshole.

283. That guy's an asshole anyway.

284. All right. Let's just go to a bar.

285. We'll watch the game at a bar.

286. Yeah, you know, we'll go to a bar and watch the game there.

287. That's what real fans do anyway, right?

288. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

289. Dickhead.

290. Yeah, no, I was—

291. I was a mess when your sister broke up with me.

292. I never really saw you after that.

293. You know, I always, you know, saw us getting married.

294. You know?

295. Having kids.

296. You know, growing old together.

297. Instead, I'm growing old by myself, you know, like you.

298. Well— The thing like about guys like you and me, it's like,

299. we're being selected out, you know, like—

300. Like we don't even matter anymore, like,

301. they're the ones with the pussies

302. so they get to decide who has a family, who has a girlfriend,

303. you know, who gets to suck their little titties.

304. Well— And the thing that pisses me off with somebody like you

305. is just like, you know, you're below average,

306. you know, you're smart,

307. and it's sexy, you're up on stage, but other than that,

308. you got no kind of face at all and you're fat,

309. but me, I've always been attractive to women.

310. It's just—

311. I just— I can't...

312. I just... I...

313. I never—

314. I never find one that—

315. That I really, um...

316. Just, sometimes it just makes me feel bad.

317. You know, like, sometimes I just—

318. You know, I feel really bad.

319. Well, so, uh...

320. How do you like being a cop?

321. What?

322. I'm just— I'm just wondering,

323. like, how...

324. I've been doing this for 19 years, Louie,

325. and I'm still a patrolman.

326. How do you think I like it?

327. I'm sorry, I didn't—

328. No, just...

329. I'm gonna take a piss.

330. Hey.

331. Can I get a refill?

332. I gotta take a piss.

333. Okay.

334. I gotta tell you, I'm really, uh—

335. I'm really proud of your comedy thing you got going on.

336. It's cool. Oh, thanks, man, thank you.

337. You know, the thing is, is that, you're not that funny.

338. You know, I seen you on a few things, I never really laugh,

339. I'm always like, oh, shit, there's Louie,

340. but it's not like I really think it's funny,

341. you know, and that's not a criticism, you know?

342. It's not?

343. No, you know, the thing is,

344. you gotta find something that makes you funny.

345. You understand?

346. Like, you know those carnie games with the clowns

347. and the clown is on the dunk tank

348. and he insults people and people try to Yeah.

349. throw the baseballs and knock him in the tank?

350. That's what you gotta do.

351. You gotta do something like that,

352. you know what I'm saying, Mr. Clown?

353. You gotta do some stuff like that.

354. You totally knock that shit— Stop it.

355. What? What are you talk— Stop, Lenny.

356. What? What are you talking about?

357. I'm just— Stop it!

358. Stop!

359. Come on, have some balls, I'm just—

360. I'm just playing around.

361. You know, Lenny, I'm gonna go home.

362. What?

363. I'm gonna walk— I'm gonna walk home.

364. All right, well, I'm walking with you,

365. so we'll go together. You know what? I'd rather you didn't.

366. What are you talking about? Why are you saying that?

367. I'll go another block over and I'll walk that way

368. and you walk another way, maybe I'll—

369. Maybe I'll see you another time.

370. Well, what does that mean?

371. Maybe I'll see you another time?

372. Why are you saying that? You know what it means?

373. It means maybe I won't see you another time.

374. Why are you saying that? Did I do something— Jesus Christ, Lenny.

375. It can't be that big a surprise to you

376. that somebody's having a hard time being around you.

377. Honestly, I can't believe that that's a—

378. Is that really a big surprise?

379. I mean, I'm sorry, but you insulted me

380. about 30 times tonight.

381. You don't give a shit about what I have to say.

382. Do you ask about me, about myself?

383. Do you know that I'm a dad? I'm divorced?

384. Do you know that I have two daughters?

385. Do you care? I don't think you do.

386. And that's fine, that's—

387. That's who you are.

388. But you're hitting me and you're physically hurting me

389. and that's where I have to draw the line.

390. I can't let myself be around somebody who's physically

391. hurting me every two minutes.

392. No, though, I didn't hurt you.

393. You did. I'm feeling pain right now.

394. Oh, no, no, no, no.

395. Lenny— I barely even touched you.

396. I'm telling you that it hurt and you don't get to deny that.

397. When a person tells you that you hurt them,

398. you don't get to decide that you didn't.

399. Hurt you?

400. What about you hurting me?

401. Huh, what about you hurting me?

402. How did I hurt you? By what you're saying, it's hurting me right now.

403. How do you think that makes me feel?

404. How do you think it makes me feel for you to say that to me?

405. How do you think it makes me feel for you to say,

406. you're no good, Lenny.

407. You're a piece of garbage and I hope you die, Lenny.

408. I didn't say any of that.

409. Yes, you did!

410. Look, I know that I'm hard to be around.

411. Okay?

412. So it is no surprise.

413. You know how many friends I have at my job?

414. None.

415. More like negative 50,

416. I've been there 19 years

417. and I try to be friends with my partners,

418. and you know, they always wind up

419. going to someone else.

420. And your sister, she hates me too, okay?

421. I tried to be friends with her on Facebook, just to say hello,

422. and she won't even take my friend request.

423. How do you think that makes me feel?

424. Huh?

425. And I have no one else in the world,

426. now I gotta find out that

427. you hate me, too?

428. I'm not... saying that.

429. You know what sometimes I think about?

430. I think about taking this,

431. I think about sticking it in my mouth

432. and blowing my brains out.

433. Lenny, Lenny, Lenny.

434. Where the hell's my gun? Where's your gun?

435. Louie. What happened to your gun, man?

436. Where is it? Did I lose my gun?

437. I don't know, where is it?

438. Louie.

439. Louie.

440. I don't know where it is.

441. Louie, I can't lose my gun.

442. Louie, do you understand?

443. I can't—

444. It's— It's okay, we'll— No, no, no!

445. No, no, do you understand what will happen to me

446. if I lose my gun?

447. Oh, my...

448. Did I drop—

449. Louie! Lenny.

450. Louie, Louie, Louie.

451. Do you understand?

452. I can't lose my gun. Okay, okay, okay.

453. We'll go to the bar, we'll go look for it.

454. Maybe you lost it at the bar.

455. Maybe you lost it at the bar.

456. Oh, my God. That's the only place we were at.

457. Oh, my God! That's the only place—

458. Come on, let's go back— Louie!

459. Oh, my God!

460. Oh, my God!

461. Louie!

462. Excuse me.

463. Excuse me.

464. (man) Hey!

465. Louie! Hey, hey, hey, hey.

466. We're looking for— Sorry, we're looking—

467. No, no, no, don't ask him that.

468. Don't ask him that. Why not?

469. Because, just don't ask him! Let me ask him.

470. Sir?

471. Did you— I'm sorry.

472. Did you find something here?

473. No, what are you looking for?

474. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

475. Louie.

476. What are you supposed to do?

477. Nothing! What's the procedure?

478. Nothing, you don't do anything.

479. It's in your apartment.

480. I was playing with it at your apartment,

481. let's go back to your apartment.

482. Come on, come on...

483. It's got to be in here. It's got to be in here.

484. What rooms were we in?

485. Where were you?

486. I don't know.

487. I don't know.

488. Where is it? Huh?

489. Okay, Lenny, calm down. No.

490. We're gonna find— We'll find it.

491. Louie, do you understand what would happen

492. if I lose my weapon?

493. I put a gun on the street and I lose my weapon.

494. You can't lose your weapon!

495. I gotta find it!

496. Okay.

497. I gotta find it.

498. I can't do that. It's all right, man, it's all right.

499. No, where is it, Louie?

500. We'll find it.

501. Where is it, Louie?

502. It's okay, Lenny, calm down.

503. Where is it?

504. I don't know, Lenny.

505. It's not here, Louie!

506. Where is it?

507. I don't know!

508. No!

509. Where is it?

510. We didn't even come in— Louie, where is it?

511. Where is it?

512. God, where is it?

513. Louie!

514. You're stupid!

515. You're stupid!

516. Louie, I'm dead!

517. Oh, no!

518. No!

519. Jesus Christ.

520. You can't lose your weapon, no, sir.

521. No, sir.

522. Lenny, just wait here, okay?

523. No!

524. Just wait here! No!

525. Don't move, I'll be right back. No, no, no.

526. Excuse me.

527. Did anybody—

528. Sorry, did anybody find anything here today,

529. like, anything lost?

530. Like what?

531. Hey... Like, anything—

532. Anything unusual, anything— Get outta here.

533. Oh, shit.

534. (man) My Knicks are number one, my Knicks are number one,

535. my Knicks are number one, my Knicks are number one,

536. my Knicks are number one, my Knicks are number one,

537. my Knicks are number one...

538. Oh, shit.

539. Oh, shit.

540. Goddamn.

541. I can't believe that guy.

542. Unbelievable.

543. Crazy, huh?

544. I'm starving, let's get out of here.

545. (man) Oh, man. Oh, boy.

546. Woo.

547. I'm in so much trouble, Louie.

548. Lenny.

549. Louie.

550. Jesus.

551. I gotcha. I gotcha.

552. Okay.

553. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh...

554. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh...

555. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh...

556. So just watch, okay? Yeah.

557. All right.

558. You dig in back there.

559. Yeah.

560. Okay, and then while it's still here,

561. you do this thing.

562. You got that?

563. Okay. All right.

564. All right, and then—

565. And then you dig in there in the front

566. and you pull it off.

567. Oh, shit.

568. See, I didn't— Did I do that? No, no, no.

569. Well, you did it before, but not just now.

570. It's all right, man.

571. All right, man. That's a wrap.