Louie 5x2

1. Eww, no! No. No, no.

2. Dad, we hate those.

3. Yeah, that's why I get them,

4. because then they last longer.

5. If I get the ones you like, they'll be gone in a day.

6. That's really depressing.

7. I know, my mom did the same thing.

8. Sorry.

9. You okay, Daddy? Yeah, I'm okay.

10. Do you have to poop right now?

11. Dad, just go in the store.

12. They'll let you. No, no, no, no, no, no.

13. No, I'll make it, it's okay.

14. Daddy can't poop in public.

15. Do you know the price of this?

16. It doesn't have a price tag.

17. It's okay, we don't need it,

18. don't need it, don't need it. No, I love those.

19. It'll only take a second to check the price.

20. No, please don't, please just, let's—

21. Daddy!

22. Just get candy, get candy.

23. Cool. Hey!

24. You get candy, get some candy, I don't care.

25. Okay, that's enough, please, that's enough.

26. We— That's— Stop there, okay?

27. You don't want any of this?

28. I don't, just take— This should— this—

29. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Thank you very much.

30. Thank you very much. I'm sorry, I love you, bye.

31. Come on, let's go, let's go.

32. But, I...

33. Come on, come on, come on, come on.

34. Please, please. Please hurry.

35. Come on. Let's go.

36. Are you— are you okay? Are you okay, Daddy?

37. Okay, okay. I'm gonna make it,

38. I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna make it.

39. Yeah? Okay.

40. Daddy, please, just run.

41. I can't run, it'll make it worse.

42. Dad! Oh!

43. Come on!

44. Dad, oh, my God, go in this deli.

45. No, no, no... Hurry up, come on, Daddy!

46. Yes, go in the deli. Okay, okay, okay.

47. Go! Just go in, okay? All right.

48. Hurry up, go! Oh!

49. Better than a tree, right? Come on.

50. Okay. Sir...

51. can I please use your bathroom?

52. No, no, no bathroom.

53. I'll buy some— I'll pay you $20.

54. No, there's no bathroom.

55. Where do you go?

56. Sir, please. Please!

57. My dad has to go really, really bad.

58. It's poo-poo! No!

59. Please, you don't understand.

60. Please, listen, it's an emergency!

61. It's an emergency! Please, mister, come on! No.

62. You don't understand. No poo-poo here!

63. You're mean! You are a mean man!

64. Okay, okay, okay. No.

65. You're a little white bitch.

66. Come on.

67. Keep going. Come on, come on...

68. Come on, be strong. You can do it!

69. Don't look back, come on.

70. I— Come on, you can make it, let's go.

71. Come on.

72. Come on, Dad.

73. Come on! Go!

74. You can do it, Daddy, you can do it.

75. You can do it.

76. Police, police!

77. What's the problem? Help my daddy!

78. He has to take a huge poo and no one will help him.

79. I can't help you.

80. Jane! Keep going, Daddy.

81. Come on, Daddy, it's only two more blocks!

82. What are you— what are you doing?

83. Come on!

84. I'm not gonna make it.

85. What?

86. I know I'm not gonna make it

87. and I'm in a lot of pain.

88. Oh, my God. Oh, Daddy!

89. Oh, yeah. Daddy! No, Daddy!

90. Jane, come on.

91. Just go, just go. No, Daddy!

92. Jane, be strong. Go down the block!

93. Daddy! Jane, be strong!

94. Just get away from me. Daddy!

95. Jane, let him go! Daddy, no!

96. Just go way, way— Don't look at me!

97. Don't look at me! We have to be strong!

98. Daddy! Jane, come on!

99. I love you! Daddy!

100. Let him go, let him go.

101. No! Let him go.

102. It's gonna be okay, Jane, okay?

103. It's gonna be okay. You have to be okay, okay?

104. All right, thanks a lot, you guys.

105. You're very nice.

106. Good job.

107. Let's hear it for Louie C.K.

108. Wow, that— I was in the American Car Awards.

109. And, uh, it was good.

110. I'm supposed to, uh— Thanks for coming.

111. (man) Louie, Louie.

112. Hey, Matchy, what's up?

113. Hey, buddy, can you help me out with something?

114. What do you need? Look, I got an open mic.

115. It's supposed to start right now. Yeah?

116. Ralphie was gonna host it. He's a— he's a no-show.

117. Can you— can you host it for me?

118. No, no, no, no, no.

119. Come on, come on, it's easy. What's the problem?

120. You— you do ten minutes, you run the lottery,

121. you give everybody five minutes each,

122. and then you, eh, you go home.

123. I can't do it.

124. I gotta go, I got somewhere to go.

125. Where you gotta go? I gotta go somewhere.

126. All right, I'll— I'll give you 500 bucks.

127. 400 bucks!

128. You just said 500. Yeah, that was before.

129. Before? It was barely— It was almost after.

130. Come on. 500 bucks.

131. I'll do it, but you give me 500 bucks.

132. All right, fine, 500.

133. All right, 400.

134. Really, why? You ruined the 500 for me.

135. Just give me 400, it's okay.

136. All right, here. Thanks.

137. Here. Great, okay.

138. Don't— don't put two girls on in a row.

139. You guys are here for the, uh, open mic?

140. All right.

141. Okay, here's how it's gonna work.

142. We're doing a lottery.

143. That's what we're doing.

144. I wish there was a camera on the inside of my head

145. and the inside of all of your heads,

146. and we could project it onto the wall...

147. over each other,

148. and then we wouldn't have to do anything.

149. Have a good night. Thanks for coming.

150. Lisa Swanson.

151. Okay.

152. Dorothy Shammel.

153. You're not supposed to put two women on in a row.

154. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

155. Welcome to the Comic Strip.

156. Tonight is open mic night

157. with your host, Louie C.K.!

158. Hey!

159. All right!

160. Thank you very much. Welcome!

161. Thank you for being here for open mic night.

162. Uh, I— I don't know— how many of you—

163. I'm not even gonna ask.

164. Open mic night is where we—

165. It's a— Anybody can get on stage.

166. Doesn't that sound great? Um...

167. These are new comedians.

168. They're doing about five minutes each.

169. These are people who, uh—

170. Some of them have never done it before.

171. Uh, and that's it. We're gonna—

172. And we're gonna have fun. It's fun, right?

173. You gonna support these... people?

174. These— Okay...

175. Thank you for that. So, let's start our show

176. with our first terrified young fellow.

177. Please welcome Mr. Mike Bocchetti.

178. Give him a hand, please.

179. Let's hear it for Mike Bocchetti.

180. Thank you, Louie. Yeah, good luck, man.

181. Hi, guys. How are you?

182. Most of the women I have sex with are all the same.

183. They're plastic.

184. Uh, excuse me? Yeah?

185. Hi, I'm Bart Folding, I'm up next.

186. Bart, right.

187. Okay. What's wrong?

188. Could you watch me?

189. What?

190. Could you watch me and then give me a critique?

191. Oh, dude, I don't—

192. Please. I don't know.

193. It would— it would mean a lot.

194. You— you don't— you don't—

195. I gotta go, guys. You were amazing, thank you.

196. Oh! Sorry.

197. Mike Bocchetti!

198. Give him a hand.

199. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome a fella

200. who I— I gather he's new at this,

201. so give him a little help, make him feel good, please.

202. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bart Folding!

203. Give him a hand! Bart Folding!

204. I'd— I'd like to tell you about my childhood...

205. even though it was very painful.

206. I used to urinate in my bed.

207. And my mother would beat me

208. for urinating in my bed...

209. and then, so, from then on,

210. I would urinate it— in it more.

211. I don't think my mother... loved me.

212. Hey. Excuse me.

213. Hi. Hey.

214. Bart. Yeah.

215. Can you, uh, give me your critique?

216. Oh... uh...

217. You said you would.

218. Well...

219. All right, come on. Come on.

220. So...

221. I don't know— I don't know what to tell you, Bart.

222. I'm not funny?

223. Well, it— it's tough, but...

224. No, you're not.

225. You're not funny. I mean, not—

226. not on stage, anyway.

227. Okay, okay. What do I change?

228. Is it— is it my jokes or—

229. Jokes? See, I— That's the thing, I don't—

230. I don't really know that those were really jokes.

231. Like, when you talked about—

232. about wetting the bed on stage,

233. did you think that would be funny?

234. Well, in comedy, you're supposed to tell

235. the truth, right?

236. You know, just be, like, honest about stuff.

237. Yeah, but...

238. You gotta— But it has to be f—

239. It has to— You have to start with what's—

240. What makes you laugh.

241. What makes me laugh?

242. Yeah, you, what makes you laugh.

243. That's where you start. When you think about

244. what to talk about on stage, you start there.

245. What is— what's funny to you?

246. Buster Keaton, Lucille Ball.

247. Okay...

248. Okay, listen... you can't do this.

249. The comedy. You can't do it, Bart.

250. I'm sorry, and I—

251. You're a nice kid

252. and I appreciate that you're so earnest,

253. I really do, but—

254. And I would never— I would never normally say this,

255. because it's not my right, but I like you, so I hav—

256. I gotta tell you, you're not gonna be a comedian.

257. I mean it, never.

258. And... you gotta get out.

259. You gotta save yourself some pain.

260. I can't quit. Never.

261. I— I'll die first.

262. I love comedy.

263. Oh, shit.

264. Is there anything you can tell me

265. that'll make me better? Anything?

266. Talk in a funny voice, maybe.

267. A funny voice?

268. Yeah, you know, like a squeaky...

269. funny, high voice or something.

270. Listen, I gotta go.

271. Uh, good luck, really.

272. And, uh...

273. Okay, Bart. Good, uh...

274. good, uh... good— good stuff.

275. Yeah.

276. Dude... I'll go see

277. the arty movie thing with you,

278. but I just suspect that it's gonna be boring.

279. Well, there's no point in going

280. if you're gonna be like that about it.

281. Okay. Okay, how about this?

282. Gee, Mister!

283. Can we go, please, see the French

284. black and white movie about divorce, can we?

285. Huh? That'd be swell!

286. All right, forget it. Let's just not go.

287. Oh, my God!

288. Okay, how about instead of being a little baby,

289. you be a big, fat man

290. and you convince me we should go.

291. Stand up for your stupid ideas.

292. Make a case.

293. Okay, well, I didn't go to college.

294. And so I'm educating myself, and it's an ongoing—

295. it's an ongoing thing in my life.

296. Why didn't you go to college?

297. I was a bad student.

298. Really?

299. Yeah, I hated school.

300. Like, I remember this one time...

301. when I was in the third grade.

302. I wanted to learn— I don't want to hear this.

303. Please. It sounds long.

304. But... I was gonna—

305. All right, you've had enough.

306. Let's go see your smarty-faced French movie thing.

307. Oh, this doesn't suck at all, does it?

308. Okay, let's go.

309. No, stupid.

310. What?

311. Let's make the most of it.

312. What are you— what are you doing?

313. What are you doing? I'm not doing anything.

314. You are. What?

315. You're gonna do a Pee-wee Herman in here.

316. What— what?

317. Okay, get started.

318. Go ahead.

319. I'm not doing that in here.

320. Yes, you are.

321. No, I'm not.

322. You are.

323. I'm what?

324. You're gonna do it.

325. I'm gonna do what?

326. Say it.

327. Tell me what you want me to do

328. and I'll do exactly that,

329. but you have to say it.

330. Suck my... dick.

331. Oh, my God!

332. Jesus!

333. Come on, put your dick away.

334. Let's go eat, 'cause we're not "this" anymore.

335. This is not— No.

336. I love this place.

337. I love, like, old, Italian-y places.

338. If you, uh, go in the bathroom,

339. there's a gun behind the toilet.

340. Do you wanna have a sleepover tonight?

341. Yeah, I really do.

342. Your place or mine?

343. What?

344. What did your face do now?

345. Well...

346. What if they're the same place?

347. Oh, hi.

348. Uh, can we get some more of that oil

349. with the red pepper in it, please?

350. Certo, signora.

351. Thank you!

352. Don't you love this place?

353. Mm.

354. It's so good.

355. Have you ever been to Paolo's in the East Village?

356. That's hardcore, but this is really good.

357. Yeah, I have.

358. Do you remember how much fun it was,

359. like, a few seconds ago...

360. and now that you said that,

361. it's all tight in the chest and scary?

362. So are you glad that you said that now,

363. about moving in together?

364. Okay, so what, are we supposed to

365. never say anything scary?

366. Yes, exactly.

367. Why?

368. Because scary is fun-ruining, and I like fun.

369. Do you like fun?

370. No, I don't. I don't like fun.

371. Well, I think you're a liar,

372. because you like me and I'm fun.

373. So what, I'm not fun?

374. No!

375. Not at all.

376. That is why I have to make fun of you,

377. because you are not fun.

378. That's my job, to make you fun

379. by making fun of you. Do you see?

380. Okay...

381. Louie. But—

382. Remember, when we used to be friends,

383. before we were this whatever-y couple, sex thing?

384. Okay, so now we're this...

385. and because I'm smart, this is fun.

386. But believe me, Louie, this is it.

387. This is the best.

388. Dude, think about it.

389. You were married, you got divorced.

390. I had a kid with a guy, it was awful.

391. Didn't we learn anything?

392. Well, what did you learn?

393. There's more than one way to be together.

394. Do all roads have to lead to ruin?

395. Ruin? Yes, ruin.

396. Friends, sex, love, marriage, divorce, ruin, okay?

397. How about another road?

398. Friends, sex, love, Italian food...

399. have your own places, schtoop another person,

400. friends, not to have to.

401. I mean to choose to,

402. to always make a new choice to be together.

403. Are you ing somebody else?

404. That's what he hears.

405. Louie! What?

406. How many couples who were married,

407. that you know, had an awful divorce?

408. Most. Okay.

409. And so, how many of those couples,

410. if they hadn't married,

411. would still be together, or at least still be friends?

412. See, now I'm scared.

413. Why?

414. Because, you're gonna find somebody else

415. and I'm gonna lose you.

416. But, stupid, you don't have me.

417. We're just closer than we were before.

418. I'm not yours and you're not mine.

419. But, guess what?

420. I love you, right now.

421. And tonight, we're gonna have a sleepover.

422. And then, tomorrow,

423. we're gonna be in our own places

424. and use our own showers and play with all our own things.

425. And then what?

426. I don't know.

427. But I do know that if we move in together,

428. nobody's gonna love anybody anymore, guaranteed.

429. You know this.

430. Don't you know this?

431. Yeah, I do and...

432. I don't know why I'm on this side of the argument.

433. I guess I just— I just feel insecure.

434. So? That's all right.

435. What's wrong with that?

436. Well, so what do you want to do?

437. I want to keep being two people

438. who have a good time together

439. and do dirty stuff sometimes.

440. I mean, does it have to be all in?

441. All inclusive?

442. Can't we just be, like... a la carte?

443. A la carte?

444. Don't you want to stick your dick

445. in a bunch of ladies' strange holes?

446. Jesus Christ.

447. Don't you?

448. Well, do you want to—

449. Yes!

450. Wow.

451. Look at that lady over there.

452. Which one?

453. What do you— what do you mean which one?

454. Look at her.

455. Look at the meatballs under her neck.

456. I mean, don't you want to go over there

457. and lick 'em and schmaltz

458. all over them and just be like...

459. "Oh, I love you best, lefty."

460. Mmm.

461. See, I don't have tits like that,

462. so when you want tits like that, you go elsewhere.

463. A la carte.

464. This is genius.

465. Look...

466. you're about two years away from a sharp decline

467. in your looks and bone-ability.

468. And, me too.

469. Not as much as you, though, so...

470. I mean, let's not waste what we got left on each other.

471. All right, a la carte, then.

472. Okay.

473. Are you okay? Yeah.

474. Yeah, I'm just trying to think of...

475. what jokes I'm gonna do tonight.

476. I've been doing comedy for a long time.

477. I travel around the country. I do comedy in other cities.

478. I was in North Carolina once and, uh...

479. Yeah, man!

480. I don't remember what town.

481. It was like, you know...

482. , North Carolina,

483. or something like that.

484. North Carolina!

485. Woo!

486. That's in South Carolina, actually.

487. My next guest is a young comedian

488. who has made a huge splash in the scene just in the last week.

489. Everybody's talking about this guy.

490. Please welcome Bart Folding, ladies and gentlemen!

491. I used to urinate in my bed.

492. My mother would beat me for urinating in my bed.

493. Then I urinated in it more!