1. You're welcome.
Copy !req
2. Hey, Jamie.
Copy !req
3. Hey, how's it going?
Copy !req
4. It's going okay.
Copy !req
5. Hey, uh—
Copy !req
6. Please don't.
Copy !req
7. Please don't do it.
Copy !req
8. Just...
Copy !req
9. please don't make me say
no to you all nice and—
Copy !req
10. Just don't ask, okay?
Copy !req
11. I just don't—
I don't wanna...
Copy !req
12. live that right now.
Copy !req
13. Okay, I—
Copy !req
14. I—
Copy !req
15. Dude, you gotta stop
asking everybody out.
Copy !req
16. Can't ask everybody.
Copy !req
17. You think people like saying no?
Copy !req
18. Takes its toll.
Copy !req
19. Sorry.
Copy !req
20. Louie?
Copy !req
21. Hey, Jerry, what's up?
Copy !req
22. Hey, what are you
doing tomorrow night?
Copy !req
23. Tomorrow night?
Copy !req
24. Yeah, I'm doing a benefit
out in East Hampton.
Copy !req
25. You know, Long Island?
Copy !req
26. Yeah, no, I—
Copy !req
27. Yeah, see Tom Papa was
supposed to do it,
Copy !req
28. but he got sick, he can't do it.
Copy !req
29. Could you do it?
Copy !req
30. You just gotta do like ten
minutes in front of me.
Copy !req
31. Yeah, sure, yes.
Copy !req
32. Really?
Copy !req
33. It's at 5:00, a place called
The Carlyle in East Hampton.
Copy !req
34. Can you get yourself there?
Copy !req
35. Yes, I can do that, sure.
Copy !req
36. Really, can—
Yeah.
Copy !req
37. Can you work clean?
Copy !req
38. Clean?
Copy !req
39. Yeah, can you not
curse, can you not...
Copy !req
40. say dirty, sex,
Copy !req
41. poop, dogs having
sex with vagina dirt?
Copy !req
42. Yeah, I can avoid
that stuff, yes.
Copy !req
43. Okay.
Copy !req
44. All right.
Copy !req
45. This'll be good,
this'll be good.
Copy !req
46. There's no money,
it's a benefit.
Copy !req
47. But, you know, these—
these things can be good.
Copy !req
48. I think it'll be good for you.
Copy !req
49. Okay, I'm in, sure.
Copy !req
50. Okay, 5:00 showtime.
Copy !req
51. All right, 5:00.
Carlyle.
Copy !req
52. East Hampton.
Copy !req
53. Show starts at 5:00.
Yeah.
Copy !req
54. Okay, yeah.
Okay.
Copy !req
55. What's it, uh,
what's— who are the...
Copy !req
56. It's, uh...
Copy !req
57. The benefit?
Uh.
Copy !req
58. It's heart disease.
Copy !req
59. Ah, okay, good.
Yeah.
Copy !req
60. It's good.
Copy !req
61. You know, wanna...
not have that.
Copy !req
62. Clean jokes.
Copy !req
63. Chickens...
Copy !req
64. are...
Copy !req
65. Chickens are dumb.
Copy !req
66. Chickens are stupid.
Copy !req
67. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
68. Excuse me.
Copy !req
69. This is a private affair.
Copy !req
70. I'm, uh, entertaining,
Copy !req
71. I'm a performer
on the sh— show.
Copy !req
72. Are you the drummer?
Copy !req
73. No, I'm a comedian.
Copy !req
74. I'm opening for Jerry.
Copy !req
75. You're opening for Mr. Seinfeld?
Yeah, I'm on first, I'm the—
Copy !req
76. Oh.
Copy !req
77. Oh, God, Louie,
what the—
Copy !req
78. I didn't know, I didn't know.
Copy !req
79. Benefit, Hamptons.
Copy !req
80. Come on, Louie, it's in
the manual, and you're late.
Copy !req
81. No, it's 5:00.
Copy !req
82. Five—
Copy !req
83. Come on.
Copy !req
84. You said 5:00.
Copy !req
85. Who are all these people?
Copy !req
86. I don't— they
look like celebrities
Copy !req
87. but I don't recognize
any of them.
Copy !req
88. These are the billionaires
Copy !req
89. and trillionaires
of Hampton Beach.
Copy !req
90. There are trillionaires now?
Copy !req
91. Yeah.
Copy !req
92. Hey, can you help me out?
Copy !req
93. What do you need?
Copy !req
94. Get— let me
have your jacket.
Copy !req
95. Here you go.
Thank you.
Copy !req
96. Here, put this on.
Copy !req
97. It's got badges on it and stuff.
Copy !req
98. You're fine, just put it on.
Copy !req
99. It's a security—
Copy !req
100. Start the show.
Copy !req
101. Are you gonna introduce me?
Copy !req
102. No, you're gonna introduce me.
Copy !req
103. That is why you're here, okay?
Copy !req
104. You go on, just do a few
minutes and bring me up.
Copy !req
105. Sorry, uh...
Copy !req
106. It's pretty simple.
Copy !req
107. All right, hit
the lights, let's get started.
Copy !req
108. What's even the name of the charity—
It doesn't matter.
Copy !req
109. I don't know what
the charity is, is—
Copy !req
110. Mhm.
Copy !req
111. Just go out there, Louie.
Copy !req
112. Good evening, uh—
Copy !req
113. Uh, hi, there, good— thank you
very much, thank you, uh...
Copy !req
114. Give yourselves, uh,
Copy !req
115. a great time for
coming out, um—
Copy !req
116. Give yourselves a round—
Copy !req
117. Coming out,
good job for you guys.
Copy !req
118. Uh, hey, it's cold outside.
Copy !req
119. I mean, it wasn't—
I mean, it was, uh, pretty warm.
Copy !req
120. I don't know.
Copy !req
121. It's crazy.
Copy !req
122. Uh...
Copy !req
123. Do you ever—
(clearing throat)
Copy !req
124. Chickens are dumb, right?
Copy !req
125. They don't even... how long have
we been eating chickens
Copy !req
126. and they don't get—
Copy !req
127. they're not
a little wary at this point,
Copy !req
128. they don't— haven't risen up.
Copy !req
129. There's been no
Martin Luther Chicken?
Copy !req
130. If there was one of those...
Copy !req
131. Um, you know, you know when you
go to the, uh, supermarket?
Copy !req
132. Not that any of you would ever
Copy !req
133. do your own shopping, uh...
Copy !req
134. I know you guys don't shop
for yourselves...
Copy !req
135. (woman laughing)
Of course, um...
Copy !req
136. Because you all have,
um, slaves somehow still.
Copy !req
137. Uh, no, I mean, uh, you know,
peop— I just mean,
Copy !req
138. people that work for you
who, duh, you all don't pay.
Copy !req
139. Um... you came— this is your...
Copy !req
140. Your soul laundering service.
Copy !req
141. Great, huh?
Copy !req
142. Great to—
thank you for, um...
Copy !req
143. It's good that you guys
came out for the...
Copy !req
144. Great, all right.
Copy !req
145. All right, I'm gonna go ahead—
Copy !req
146. I am gonna go ahead
and bring on your headliner.
Copy !req
147. This is a great, uh, man,
Copy !req
148. we're all very
excited to see him.
Copy !req
149. Please, a nice, warm welcome for
the great Jerry Seinfeld,
Copy !req
150. Ladies and gentlemen.
Copy !req
151. Thank you.
Copy !req
152. Thank you, Louie.
Copy !req
153. That was pretty much a total
disaster, wasn't it?
Copy !req
154. I don't think I've ever seen
anybody do worse than that.
Copy !req
155. But, uh, we
thank you for coming.
Copy !req
156. Especially since
we're here to raise money for
Copy !req
157. the World Heart Alliance.
Copy !req
158. I think if we had the choice of
heart disease
Copy !req
159. or watching any more of Louie,
Copy !req
160. we might pick the disease.
Copy !req
161. Anyway, he did a pretty good
job, certainly dressed well.
Copy !req
162. I really liked his jacket,
he certainly, uh...
Copy !req
163. seems ready for his
next line of employment,
Copy !req
164. it looked like to me.
Copy !req
165. Some sort of minimum wage
security work, anyway...
Copy !req
166. Um, I have a lot of, uh...
Copy !req
167. I have a lot of friends that
play golf.
Copy !req
168. They like golf,
I don't play golf.
Copy !req
169. Um, golfers will tell you that
it's a very challenging game.
Copy !req
170. That's the one thing
that they can tell you.
Copy !req
171. It's very challenging.
Copy !req
172. I'm quite sure that it
is challenging.
Copy !req
173. It's also challenging
trying to throw a Tic Tac
Copy !req
174. 100 yards into a shoebox,
that's also challenging.
Copy !req
175. But we don't do it.
Copy !req
176. (yelling) Shit!
Copy !req
177. Chickens are—
Copy !req
178. (woman) Hey!
Copy !req
179. You were just up there!
Copy !req
180. What's that?
Copy !req
181. You were just up there!
Copy !req
182. (laughing) Oh, my God.
Copy !req
183. That was hysterical!
Copy !req
184. You—
Copy !req
185. You must've be the one
that was laughing.
Copy !req
186. Yes, I was dying.
Copy !req
187. I'm glad I was, uh,
good for somebody.
Copy !req
188. No, you were awful.
Copy !req
189. That's why it was so funny.
Copy !req
190. Sorry?
Copy !req
191. (screaming) You were awful!
Copy !req
192. Thank you.
Copy !req
193. No, I mean, you were just wrong.
Copy !req
194. You were very wrong
for this crowd.
Copy !req
195. I could see it the second
Copy !req
196. that you walked out, I mean...
Copy !req
197. The whole thing was
just such a train wreck.
Copy !req
198. It made my week.
Copy !req
199. I mean, if you only knew
Copy !req
200. what assholes these
people really are
Copy !req
201. and the fact that
they all hated you
Copy !req
202. makes you my hero.
Copy !req
203. I— I can't really,
Copy !req
204. I can't really hear
anything you're saying.
Copy !req
205. What?
Copy !req
206. I can't really hear
what you're saying,
Copy !req
207. but thank— thank you.
Copy !req
208. Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
209. Come on.
Copy !req
210. Excuse me?
Copy !req
211. Come on.
Copy !req
212. What's your name?
Copy !req
213. What?
Copy !req
214. What's your name?
Copy !req
215. I like your hair!
Copy !req
216. Thank you, thanks.
Copy !req
217. Thank you.
Copy !req
218. (imitating Elvis)
Thank you very much, thank you.
Copy !req
219. Is this your house?
Copy !req
220. (Louie)
Should I—
Copy !req
221. Excuse me?
Copy !req
222. Excuse—
Copy !req
223. Oh, my God, what
a beautiful night!
Copy !req
224. (Louie) Isn't it
always beautiful here?
Copy !req
225. Yes, but I never notice,
I hate it here.
Copy !req
226. Tonight, I love it!
Copy !req
227. Because I'm laughing.
Copy !req
228. Whoo!
Copy !req
229. Wait, don't—
Copy !req
230. Whoo!
Copy !req
231. Come on, let's go inside.
Copy !req
232. Ah.
Copy !req
233. Is this your house?
Copy !req
234. This is cra—
this is crazy.
Copy !req
235. I know. (chuckling)
Copy !req
236. Is that your father?
Copy !req
237. Yeah... (chuckling)
Copy !req
238. He walked on the moon.
Copy !req
239. (deep voice) He, uh, he walked on the moon.
Oh.
Copy !req
240. Well, so what—
then what did he do?
Copy !req
241. Exactly.
Copy !req
242. You're, uh,
just wearing underwear.
Copy !req
243. I mean, you don't
have any—
Copy !req
244. Can you tell me
where the towels are
Copy !req
245. so I could get you—
Copy !req
246. A towel?
Copy !req
247. Mm.
Copy !req
248. Do you want me to—
Copy !req
249. Um...
Copy !req
250. Just—
Copy !req
251. I think you should—
you could put some...
Copy !req
252. You could just...
please let me...
Copy !req
253. Just— okay, I...
Copy !req
254. I'm just surprised.
Copy !req
255. Are you okay?
Copy !req
256. Yeah.
Copy !req
257. Yeah, no,
I guess— yes.
Copy !req
258. Very okay.
Copy !req
259. This is, okay— yes.
Copy !req
260. I just don't—
you know, the thing is,
Copy !req
261. I don't generally...
Copy !req
262. do the whole—
I mean, it's not—
Copy !req
263. Just like a very beautiful
astronaut's daughter...
Copy !req
264. Model.
Copy !req
265. Model, okay, let's
throw that in there.
Copy !req
266. Model...
Copy !req
267. Kind of people, type of person,
Copy !req
268. doesn't usually take me
home and have sex with me.
Copy !req
269. It's not my usual—
it's not how I roll.
Copy !req
270. Um-hmm.
Copy !req
271. Well, maybe it's
not really happening.
Copy !req
272. You're very weird,
you're very weird.
Copy !req
273. What, you make me laugh.
Copy !req
274. I don't think you appreciate
Copy !req
275. how gold that is.
Copy !req
276. Well, if everybody
I made laughed at this,
Copy !req
277. then my penis would
be sore all the time.
Copy !req
278. I would have— I would need
skrin— skin grafts.
Copy !req
279. I would need to
exfoliate... often.
Copy !req
280. And I'd need a whole regimen of
penis overuse, um, therapy.
Copy !req
281. What makes you laugh?
Copy !req
282. Me, what makes me laugh?
Copy !req
283. Um...
Copy !req
284. I can't remember.
Copy !req
285. You don't look like
you laugh a lot.
Copy !req
286. I don't?
Copy !req
287. I wonder if I could
make you laugh
Copy !req
288. the way that you do for me.
Copy !req
289. That would be nice.
Copy !req
290. What if I...
Copy !req
291. tickle you.
Copy !req
292. Don't-don't-
don't-don't.
Copy !req
293. Don't, don't.
Oh, someone's ticklish.
Copy !req
294. Stop it, please stop it.
Oh, you're gonna get it.
Copy !req
295. Please, stop it, please, stop it.
Oh, you're gonna get it.
Copy !req
296. Please, stop it,
I'm being serious.
Copy !req
297. I'm being really serious.
Copy !req
298. Please, stop it.
Copy !req
299. Please don't do that,
that's upsetting, I'm not—
Copy !req
300. Don't!
(loud thwack)
Copy !req
301. Can you help me?
Copy !req
302. So you went home with a girl
from the benefit.
Copy !req
303. You had sex with her.
Copy !req
304. You punched her in the face
Copy !req
305. and now she's in the hospital.
Copy !req
306. Yeah, now the police are here.
Copy !req
307. And now you're calling me.
Copy !req
308. Well, I thought, maybe
you could come by because, uh,
Copy !req
309. I know that you're...
you're here.
Copy !req
310. Can you come, can you come here?
Copy !req
311. Louie, tell yourself the story
where I come down there
Copy !req
312. and get in the middle of that.
Copy !req
313. Where I show my face
Copy !req
314. and say, "Hey, you know
the guy who punched the girl,
Copy !req
315. "who's now in
critical condition,
Copy !req
316. he's with me, just so
you know."
Copy !req
317. Is that story working?
Copy !req
318. No.
Copy !req
319. Oh, Louie, why—
why did you hit her?
Copy !req
320. She was tickling me.
Copy !req
321. Oh, right.
Copy !req
322. Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.
Copy !req
323. I'm gonna give you
a phone number.
Copy !req
324. Call this guy,
don't talk to me, Louie
Copy !req
325. 'cause I can't hear you.
Copy !req
326. He's a lawyer.
Copy !req
327. Talk to him.
Copy !req
328. Okay.
Copy !req
329. Where is this guy?
Copy !req
330. That guy?
Copy !req
331. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
332. Hey, listen, I didn't—
Copy !req
333. Son of a—
Copy !req
334. (man) Hey, hey, take it easy.
(man) Don't do it.
Copy !req
335. Don't do it, don't do it.
Copy !req
336. Cuff him.
Copy !req
337. Put your hands on my daughter.
Copy !req
338. Take it easy, relax already.
Copy !req
339. (man) You're cuffing me,
cuff him!
Copy !req
340. Ah.
Copy !req
341. Let's go.
Copy !req
342. Okay.
Copy !req
343. Here's where we are.
Copy !req
344. First, can I— can
I just ask you,
Copy !req
345. um, how is she,
I mean, is she okay?
Copy !req
346. Nobody will tell me.
Copy !req
347. The girl, I don't
know how—
Copy !req
348. Blake?
Copy !req
349. Yeah.
She's gonna be okay.
Copy !req
350. Generally, uh, I mean,
Copy !req
351. she has some serious
damage to her eye.
Copy !req
352. Oh, Jesus.
Copy !req
353. Like some permanent
to her vision.
Copy !req
354. Oh, God.
Copy !req
355. And her pupil is paralyzed.
Copy !req
356. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
357. And she's a
professional model so,
Copy !req
358. that's not good.
Copy !req
359. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
360. Okay. (clearing throat)
Copy !req
361. Okay, well, here's the deal.
Copy !req
362. Her family, they're
very upset, and...
Copy !req
363. These are not
people you wanna upset.
Copy !req
364. Yeah, I know.
Copy !req
365. Oh, your nose is nothing.
Copy !req
366. These people are very, um,
let me put it this way.
Copy !req
367. Nobody knows
you're here right now
Copy !req
368. and nobody knows what happened,
Copy !req
369. and they wanna keep it that way.
Copy !req
370. Okay.
So you're not, at this time, being charged.
Copy !req
371. Okay.
But that's up to them to keep it that way.
Copy !req
372. They're not gonna let you walk
out of here without some...
Copy !req
373. they want compensation
for damages.
Copy !req
374. They— they wanna sue me?
Copy !req
375. They want compensation.
Copy !req
376. Well, they're— I mean,
they're rich
Copy !req
377. and I don't have
anything so what...
Copy !req
378. It's not that simple.
Copy !req
379. See, people are under
the misconception
Copy !req
380. that the rich
can't sue the poor.
Copy !req
381. They can, they want you to pay.
Copy !req
382. How much?
Copy !req
383. They're asking for ten.
Copy !req
384. I think we can get them to five.
Copy !req
385. Five?
Copy !req
386. Million.
Copy !req
387. I— I don't have that,
I don't have—
Copy !req
388. I'll never have that so...
Copy !req
389. You're gonna be
making payments to them.
Copy !req
390. Payments?
Copy !req
391. I believe I can get them to
agree to 5,000 per month.
Copy !req
392. 5,000?
Copy !req
393. But how is this—
how is this possible?
Copy !req
394. This was an accident.
Copy !req
395. If we took this to
trial with the lawyers
Copy !req
396. and the influence
that they have,
Copy !req
397. it would be easy to imagine
Copy !req
398. a case of criminal negligence.
Copy !req
399. How?
Copy !req
400. You were naked in a bed
with a stranger.
Copy !req
401. You took that responsibility.
Copy !req
402. People do that.
Copy !req
403. You didn't know this person
and yet you were
Copy !req
404. as intimate with her
as if she was your wife.
Copy !req
405. And you didn't know her name,
Copy !req
406. and she didn't know that you
were violently ticklish.
Copy !req
407. I'm just telling you
where this is headed.
Copy !req
408. Wait a minute,
because this is—
Copy !req
409. she was there, too.
Copy !req
410. I mean, she did— she made
the same choice to do it so
Copy !req
411. she's at least 50
percent responsible.
Copy !req
412. Which is why I think I can get
it to five million.
Copy !req
413. That is the worst story
Copy !req
414. I've ever heard
in my entire life.
Copy !req
415. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
416. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
417. (laughing) Oh, my God!
Copy !req
418. So you have to pay her—
you have to pay them $5,000
Copy !req
419. for the rest of your life?
Copy !req
420. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
421. Do you want a drink?
Copy !req
422. Yeah, sure.
Copy !req
423. All right, don't go anywhere,
Copy !req
424. I'm gonna get us a drink, okay?
Copy !req
425. Okay.
All right.
Copy !req
426. I'll be right back, okay.
Copy !req
427. Okay.
Copy !req