Louie 4x2

1. You're welcome.

2. Hey, Jamie.

3. Hey, how's it going?

4. It's going okay.

5. Hey, uh—

6. Please don't.

7. Please don't do it.

8. Just...

9. please don't make me say no to you all nice and—

10. Just don't ask, okay?

11. I just don't— I don't wanna...

12. live that right now.

13. Okay, I—

14. I—

15. Dude, you gotta stop asking everybody out.

16. Can't ask everybody.

17. You think people like saying no?

18. Takes its toll.

19. Sorry.

20. Louie?

21. Hey, Jerry, what's up?

22. Hey, what are you doing tomorrow night?

23. Tomorrow night?

24. Yeah, I'm doing a benefit out in East Hampton.

25. You know, Long Island?

26. Yeah, no, I—

27. Yeah, see Tom Papa was supposed to do it,

28. but he got sick, he can't do it.

29. Could you do it?

30. You just gotta do like ten minutes in front of me.

31. Yeah, sure, yes.

32. Really? It's at 5:00, a place called The Carlyle in East Hampton.

33. Can you get yourself there?

34. Yes, I can do that, sure.

35. Really, can— Yeah.

36. Can you work clean?

37. Clean?

38. Yeah, can you not curse, can you not...

39. say dirty, sex,

40. poop, dogs having sex with vagina dirt?

41. Yeah, I can avoid that stuff, yes.

42. Okay.

43. All right.

44. This'll be good, this'll be good.

45. There's no money, it's a benefit.

46. But, you know, these— these things can be good.

47. I think it'll be good for you.

48. Okay, I'm in, sure.

49. Okay, 5:00 show time.

50. All right, 5:00. Carlyle.

51. East Hampton.

52. Show starts at 5:00. Yeah.

53. Okay, yeah. Okay

54. What's it, uh, what's— who are the...

55. It's, uh...

56. The benefit? Uh.

57. It's heart disease.

58. Ah, okay, good. Yeah.

59. It's good.

60. You know, wanna... not have that.

61. Clean jokes.

62. Chickens...

63. are...

64. Chickens are dumb.

65. Chickens are stupid.

66. Oh, shit.

67. Excuse me.

68. This is a private affair.

69. I'm, uh, entertaining,

70. I'm a performer on the sh— show.

71. Are you the drummer?

72. No, I'm a comedian.

73. I'm opening for Jerry.

74. You're opening for Mr. Seinfeld?

75. Yeah, I'm on first, I'm the—

76. Oh.

77. Oh, God, Louie, what the—

78. I didn't know, I didn't know.

79. Benefit, Hamptons.

80. Come on, Louie, it's in the manual, and you're late.

81. No, it's 5:00.

82. Five—

83. Come on.

84. You said 5:00.

85. Who are all these people?

86. I don't— they look like celebrities

87. but I don't recognize any of them.

88. These are the billionaires

89. and trillionaires of Hampton Beach.

90. There are trillionaires now?

91. Yeah.

92. Hey, can you help me out?

93. What do you need?

94. Get— let me have your jacket.

95. Here you go. Thank you.

96. Here, put this on.

97. It's got badges on it and stuff.

98. You're fine, just put it on.

99. It's a security—

100. Start the show.

101. Are you gonna introduce me?

102. No, you're gonna introduce me.

103. That is why you're here, okay?

104. You go on, just do a few minutes and bring me up.

105. Sorry, uh...

106. It's pretty simple.

107. All right, hit the lights, let's get started.

108. What's even the name of the charity— It doesn't matter.

109. I don't know what the charity is, is—

110. Mhm.

111. Just go out there, Louie.

112. Good evening, uh—

113. Uh, hi, there, good— thank you very much, thank you, uh...

114. Give yourselves, uh,

115. a great time for coming out, um—

116. Give yourselves a round—

117. Coming out, good job for you guys.

118. Uh, hey, it's cold outside.

119. I mean, it wasn't— I mean, it was, uh, pretty warm.

120. I don't know.

121. It's crazy.

122. Uh...

123. Do you ever—

124. Chickens are dumb, right?

125. They don't even... how long have we been eating chickens

126. and they don't get—

127. they're not a little wary at this point,

128. they don't— haven't risen up.

129. There's been no Martin Luther Chicken?

130. If there was one of those...

131. Um, you know, you know when you go to the, uh, supermarket?

132. Not that any of you would ever

133. do your own shopping, uh...

134. I know you guys don't shop for yourselves...

135. Of course, um...

136. Because you all have, um, slaves somehow still.

137. Uh, no, I mean, uh, you know, peop— I just mean,

138. people that work for you who, duh, you all don't pay.

139. Um... you came— this is your...

140. Your soul laundering service.

141. Great, huh?

142. Great to— thank you for, um...

143. It's good that you guys came out for the...

144. Great, all right.

145. All right, I'm gonna go ahead—

146. I am gonna go ahead and bring on your headliner.

147. This is a great, uh, man,

148. we're all very excited to see him.

149. Please, a nice, warm welcome for the great Jerry Seinfeld,

150. Ladies and gentlemen.

151. Thank you.

152. Thank you, Louie.

153. That was pretty much a total disaster, wasn't it?

154. I don't think I've ever seen anybody do worse than that.

155. But, uh, we thank you for coming.

156. Especially since we're here to raise money for

157. the World Heart Alliance.

158. I think if we had the choice of heart disease

159. or watching any more of Louie,

160. we might pick the disease.

161. Anyway, he did a pretty good job, certainly dressed well.

162. I really liked his jacket, he certainly, uh...

163. seems ready for his next line of employment,

164. it looked like to me.

165. Some sort of minimum wage security work, anyway...

166. Um, I have a lot of, uh...

167. I have a lot of friends that play golf.

168. They like golf, I don't play golf.

169. Um, golfers will tell you that it's a very challenging game.

170. That's the one thing that they can tell you.

171. It's very challenging.

172. I'm quite sure that it is challenging.

173. It's also challenging trying to throw a Tic Tac

174. 100 yards into a shoebox, that's also challenging.

175. But we don't do it.

176. Shit!

177. Chickens are—

178. Hey!

179. You were just up there!

180. What's that?

181. You were just up there!

182. Oh, my God.

183. That was hysterical!

184. You—

185. You must've be the one that was laughing.

186. Yes, I was dying.

187. I'm glad I was, uh, good for somebody.

188. No, you were awful.

189. That's why it was so funny.

190. Sorry?

191. You were awful!

192. Thank you.

193. No, I mean, you were just wrong.

194. You were very wrong for this crowd.

195. I could see it the second

196. that you walked out, I mean...

197. The whole thing was just such a train wreck.

198. It made my week.

199. I mean, if you only knew

200. what assholes these people really are

201. and the fact that they all hated you

202. makes you my hero.

203. I— I can't really, I can't really hear anything you're saying.

204. What?

205. I can't really hear what you're saying,

206. but thank— thank you.

207. Nice to meet you.

208. Come on.

209. Excuse me?

210. Come on.

211. What's your name?

212. What?

213. What's your name?

214. I like your hair!

215. Thank you, thanks.

216. Thank you.

217. Thank you very much, thank you.

218. Is this your house?

219. Should I—

220. Excuse me?

221. Excuse—

222. Oh, my God, what a beautiful night!

223. Isn't it always beautiful here?

224. Yes, but I never notice, I hate it here.

225. Tonight, I love it!

226. Because I'm laughing.

227. Whoo!

228. Wait, don't—

229. Whoo!

230. Come on, let's go inside.

231. Ah.

232. Sorry.

233. Uh.

234. Is this your house?

235. This is cra— this is crazy.

236. I know.

237. Is that your father?

238. Yeah...

239. He walked on the moon.

240. He, uh, he walked on the moon. Oh.

241. Well, so what— then what did he do?

242. Exactly.

243. You're, uh, just wearing underwear.

244. I mean, you don't have any—

245. Can you tell me where the towels are

246. so I could get you—

247. A towel?

248. Mm.

249. Do you want me to—

250. Um...

251. Just—

252. I think you should— you could put some...

253. You could just... please let me...

254. Just— okay, I...

255. I'm just surprised.

256. Are you okay?

257. Yeah.

258. Yeah, no, I guess— yes.

259. Very okay.

260. This is, okay— yes.

261. I just don't— you know, the thing is,

262. I don't generally...

263. do the whole— I mean, it's not—

264. Just like a very beautiful astronaut's daughter...

265. Model.

266. Model, okay, let's throw that in there.

267. Model...

268. Kind of people, type of person,

269. doesn't usually take me home and have sex with me.

270. It's not my usual— it's not how I roll.

271. Um-hmm.

272. Well, maybe it's not really happening.

273. You're very weird, you're very weird.

274. What, you make me laugh.

275. I don't think you appreciate

276. how gold that is.

277. Well, if everybody I made laughed at this,

278. then my penis would be sore all the time.

279. I would have— I would need skrin— skin grafts.

280. I would need to exfoliate... often.

281. And I'd need a whole regimen of penis overuse, um, therapy.

282. What makes you laugh?

283. Me, what makes me laugh?

284. Um...

285. I can't remember.

286. You don't look like you laugh a lot.

287. I don't?

288. I wonder if I could make you laugh

289. the way that you do for me.

290. That would be nice.

291. What if I... tickle you.

292. Don't-don't- don't-don't.

293. Don't, don't. Oh, someone's ticklish.

294. Stop it, please stop it. Oh, you're gonna get it.

295. Please, stop it, please, stop it. Oh, you're gonna get it.

296. Please, stop it, I'm being serious.

297. I'm being really serious.

298. Please, stop it.

299. Please don't do that, that's upsetting, I'm not—

300. Don't!

301. Can you help me?

302. So you went home with a girl from the benefit.

303. You had sex with her.

304. You punched her in the face

305. and now she's in the hospital.

306. Yeah, now the police are here.

307. And now you're calling me.

308. Well, I thought, maybe you could come by because, uh,

309. I know that you're... you're here.

310. Can you come, can you come here?

311. Louie, tell yourself the story where I come down there

312. and get in the middle of that.

313. Where I show my face

314. and say, "Hey, you know the guy who punched the girl,

315. "who's now in critical condition,

316. he's with me, just so you know."

317. Is that story working?

318. No.

319. Oh, Louie, why— why did you hit her?

320. She was tickling me.

321. Oh, right.

322. Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.

323. I'm gonna give you a phone number.

324. Call this guy, don't talk to me, Louie

325. 'cause I can't hear you.

326. He's a lawyer.

327. Talk to him.

328. Okay.

329. Where is this guy?

330. That guy?

331. Oh, shit.

332. Hey, listen, I didn't—

333. Son of a—

334. (man) Hey, hey, take it easy. (man) Don't do it.

335. Don't do it, don't do it.

336. Cuff him.

337. Put your hands on my daughter.

338. Take it easy, relax already.

339. (man) You're cuffing me, cuff him!

340. Ah.

341. Let's go.

342. Okay.

343. Here's where we are.

344. First, can I— can I just ask you,

345. um, how is she, I mean, is she okay?

346. Nobody will tell me.

347. The girl, I don't know how—

348. Blake?

349. Yeah. She's gonna be okay.

350. Generally, uh, I mean,

351. she has some serious damage to her eye.

352. Oh, Jesus.

353. Like some permanent damage. to her vision.

354. Oh, God.

355. And her pupil is paralyzed.

356. Oh, my God.

357. And she's a professional model so,

358. that's not good.

359. Oh, my God.

360. Okay.

361. Okay, well, here's the deal.

362. Her family, they're very upset, and...

363. These are not people you wanna upset.

364. Yeah, I know.

365. Oh, your nose is nothing.

366. These people are very, um, let me put it this way.

367. Nobody knows you're here right now

368. and nobody knows what happened,

369. and they wanna keep it that way.

370. Okay. So you're not, at this time, being charged.

371. Okay. But that's up to them to keep it that way.

372. They're not gonna let you walk out of here without some...

373. they want compensation for damages.

374. They— they wanna sue me?

375. They want compensation.

376. Well, they're— I mean, they're rich

377. and I don't have anything so what...

378. It's not that simple.

379. See, people are under the misconception

380. that the rich can't sue the poor.

381. They can, they want you to pay.

382. How much?

383. They're asking for ten.

384. I think we can get them to five.

385. Five?

386. Million.

387. I— I don't have that, I don't have—

388. I'll never have that so...

389. You're gonna be making payments to them.

390. Payments?

391. I believe I can get them to agree to 5,000 per month.

392. 5,000?

393. But how is this— how is this possible?

394. This was an accident.

395. If we took this to trial with the lawyers

396. and the influence that they have,

397. it would be easy to imagine

398. a case of criminal negligence.

399. How?

400. You were naked in a bed with a stranger.

401. You took that responsibility.

402. People do that.

403. You didn't know this person and yet you were

404. as intimate with her as if she was your wife.

405. And you didn't know her name,

406. and she didn't know that you were violently ticklish.

407. I'm just telling you where this is headed.

408. Wait a minute, because this is—

409. she was there, too.

410. I mean, she did— she made the same choice to do it so

411. she's at least 50 percent responsible.

412. Which is why I think I can get it to five million.

413. That is the worst story

414. I've ever heard in my entire life.

415. Oh, my God.

416. Oh, my God.

417. Oh, my God!

418. So you have to pay her— you have to pay them $5,000

419. for the rest of your life?

420. Oh, my God.

421. Do you want a drink?

422. Yeah, sure.

423. All right, don't go anywhere,

424. I'm gonna get us a drink, okay?

425. Okay. All right.

426. I'll be right back, okay.

427. Okay.