Louie 4x14

1. Excuse me.

2. Hey, that's— That's my sofa.

3. Okay.

4. Hey— What are you doing with my sofa?

5. The lady upstairs.

6. Yeah, get it.

7. Now you.

8. No, you aren't.

9. Hi!

10. Daddy.

11. Hi.

12. Girls, look at your dad's face.

13. What the— What the hell?

14. Oh, you had to get new stuff.

15. All of that shit was horrible.

16. Daddy, we got rid of the ugly couch,

17. the ugly table and all the ugly chairs.

18. Where are we gonna get-

19. Where are we gonna get new-

20. Where am I gonna get new stuff?

21. I don't know. that's your problem,

22. but that shit had to go, man.

23. Oops.

24. Louie.

25. You're gonna thank me someday.

26. I gotta get the kids to their mom's,

27. so we're leaving in a few minutes.

28. Are you mad that I threw away your house?

29. Okay.

30. Look, we still gotta get going, all right?

31. So girls, get your stuff and say goodbye to Pamela.

32. Pamela should come with us.

33. Yeah, you can meet Mommy.

34. Yeah, that's a great idea.

35. That's such a good idea, you can meet Mommy.

36. Okay, okay.

37. Okay, "one smart fellow, he felt smart."

38. Okay, I can do it, ready?

39. "One smart fellow, he felt smart."

40. "One- One smart fellow, he smelled-"

41. No.

42. "One smart fellow, he felt smart."

43. Oh, I did it, I did it, I did it.

44. You said he smelled farts—

45. One smart fellow, he felt smart.

46. He felt-

47. He smelled farts.

48. That's not the nice word to use.

49. One smart fellow, he—

50. One fart—

51. Hi.

52. Hi.

53. Hello, what did I miss?

54. Nothing, nothing.

55. This is Pam, Pamela.

56. Oh, hi.

57. This is Janet. Hey.

58. Hi, Janet.

59. Hi, I've heard. Nice to meet you.

60. Thanks, come on in.

61. Patrick.

62. Hey.

63. Hey, this is Pamela.

64. This is Patrick.

65. Hi, Patrick. Pamela, nice to meet-

66. Really nice to meet you.

67. Likewise.

68. Jesus Christ, is it always like this?

69. Pretty much.

70. Go Lilly!

71. Woo!

72. Yes, it's all.

73. Well, yeah.

74. It's all-

75. We're all-

76. We're all parents, so...

77. Okay.

78. I gotta ask you a question.

79. What?

80. How is your ex-wife black?

81. What, I can't marry a black woman?

82. You can marry a green elephant.

83. The question is, how the hell is she the mother

84. of those almost translucent white girls of yours?

85. Oh, her mom is white.

86. Oh, well, then, her mom must have had those kids,

87. because Janet is not their mom.

88. Yes— Yes, she is.

89. Did you see them being born?

90. Did you see those little white babies come out

91. of her juicy black pussy?

92. Because I think she stole them.

93. Or something happened.

94. Oh.

95. Oh, he's all serious now.

96. Aww...

97. Come here. Where?

98. Come here. Where?

99. Lay down— lay down.

100. What are you doing— what are you doing?

101. We're gonna do it now on the empty room floor.

102. And then we're gonna get you some furniture.

103. I didn't know.

104. Oh, God.

105. What am I supposed to do?

106. Shh!

107. Sorry.

108. Just look around and see what you like.

109. Look at this.

110. This is gorgeous.

111. It's kind of big and—

112. No, it's— It's nice.

113. These are kind of nice.

114. What if I had those two?

115. Those are like, gynecological.

116. Look at this.

117. I'm gonna touch this just because I shouldn't.

118. What is this?

119. Which one?

120. Get those off your face right now.

121. Look at that, look at that.

122. What?

123. That mirror, that old mirror clock.

124. (Man) It's 19th century French.

125. That is frickin' so cool.

126. I hate that.

127. I hate that.

128. I wanna get that for her.

129. Okay.

130. How much— How much is it?

131. 495.

132. Okay, I don't want to get it.

133. Sorry.

134. You don't wanna get it?

135. No, thank you, though.

136. Okay.

137. This is gonna be a lot of fun at some point.

138. We have some very talented people at the show.

139. This is weird because you've never-

140. I've never- You've never seen me do this before.

141. What?

142. You're fine.

143. Come here.

144. What, do I have something?

145. No.

146. I just think you like this.

147. And outerwear.

148. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

149. please welcome to the stage, Mr. Louis C.K.

150. Uh, hi, everybody, how are you doing?

151. I saw a dog and he had a sweater on and on the side

152. of his sweater, it said,

153. "Please don't pet me, I'm working."

154. And I thought, there's no way he wrote that.

155. There's no way.

156. Somebody walked up and wrote some shit on his sweater.

157. What's wrong with you?

158. You didn't laugh— You didn't laugh one time.

159. That's because you were staring at me.

160. It made me nervous.

161. How am I supposed to laugh when the funny guy

162. is staring right at me?

163. I was trying to check if you're laughing.

164. So this is what you guys do, like,

165. just hang out here after the shows?

166. Yeah, do a set, have some falafel, go home.

167. So what's the suicide rate for comedians?

168. Like 76% per capita, around there?

169. Actually, clinical depression is a big problem amongst comedians.

170. Most of it is caused by Louie's act.

171. And his face!

172. What's up, fellas? Hey, Marc.

173. What's going on?

174. Uh, my show got picked up.

175. What? Yes.

176. That's great. Yeah.

177. That's amazing.

178. Full season, full season. Kid's gonna be famous.

179. That's really great, man.

180. His own show. Thanks, man.

181. What?

182. You're not happy for me?

183. Yeah, sure I am.

184. Wow.

185. That is disappointing, man.

186. I mean...

187. I'm not gonna let it take away from how good I feel,

188. but you are—

189. You are certainly not adding anything, either.

190. Look, Marc, I'm happy for you.

191. That's not— If you're not picking up on that,

192. then I'm sorry.

193. Oh, wow.

194. That's really nice, Lou.

195. That is the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.

196. Thank you so much.

197. Do you remember—

198. Do you remember that we were best friends back when we were

199. coming up together?

200. Do you remember that?

201. I was washing dishes.

202. You were working at some, like, phone line or something?

203. And we—

204. We were doing comedy and we sucked at it, but we loved it,

205. and we were there for each other.

206. Do you remember that?

207. Yeah, I remember.

208. Look.

209. You know, I know that—

210. You know, I'm just gonna say it.

211. You know, things are going pretty well for me.

212. Last couple years have been great.

213. And now you don't talk to me.

214. You think that's easy for me?

215. I mean, I went through a divorce.

216. One of my cats is probably dead.

217. I could've used a friend, man.

218. And I'm not sure I wouldn't be acting the same as you

219. if I were in your position, I'm not saying that.

220. What I am saying is, you've been a shitty friend.

221. And it hurt me.

222. Why don't you two get a room already?

223. It's like the worst night ever.

224. Why?

225. 'Cause that cute guy got his own sexy show instead of you?

226. No, you know what?

227. 'Cause he's right, I'm a bad friend. What?

228. I'm a shitty, bad friend.

229. You're not a bad friend, that's bullshit.

230. I'm a bad guy, I'm a bad friend. No.

231. The reason— I wasn't there for him. No.

232. What? I'm a bad friend.

233. You're not a bad friend.

234. You're not a bad friend.

235. It's just—

236. You can't handle his success because you're not happy with

237. you own life.

238. You're not satisfied.

239. You're anxious and you're hungry and you know, I mean, it's like,

240. it's show business, it's a tough racket.

241. What does that guy want?

242. Flowers from poor people the second he gets rich?

243. Screw that guy, I hated him.

244. But I don't like being—

245. I don't like the feeling that I'm jealous, I don't like the

246. idea that I'm a jealous person.

247. So do something about it. I don't want to look at my—

248. I don't want to be one of those—

249. What? Do what?

250. Just go get on TV, go get a show and be a star.

251. It's that simple, right?

252. Yes, it is exactly that simple.

253. No, it— Okay, I'll go get a TV show.

254. Yes. Okay?

255. Look, that guy is not special.

256. He used to wash dishes, okay?

257. And he's some nebbish southwest Jew, you're a—

258. I-don't-know-what from wherever,

259. none of you guys are special or magical,

260. some of you are luckier and some of you work harder than others.

261. You're just guys.

262. So you have to decide.

263. You just gotta decide to go on TV, get a show,

264. be a star and then you and your friend can go lick each other's

265. balls and leave everybody alone already.

266. Oh, that's the face.

267. Don't make the face!

268. Don't make the face!

269. Oh, God.

270. Okay.

271. All right, big guy.

272. All right, that's nice.

273. Um, you want a plate of jelly with a spoon?

274. Is that what your kind eat?

275. People?

276. Should we have some Bulleit?

277. Yes.

278. Let's have some Bulleit.

279. What?

280. I love you.

281. Yeah?

282. Yeah, I love you.

283. Okay.

284. That's...

285. I—

286. Pamela.

287. I love you.

288. Yes, I heard, I heard it.

289. So say something.

290. I love you.

291. I...

292. Something people.

293. Pamela.

294. Pamela.

295. Stop, stop.

296. Stop?

297. Yeah, stop—

298. Trying to have sex with me to avoid me.

299. Oh, my God, what do you want?

300. I want what couples say.

301. I want you to say things to me, like that you love me

302. and you're my girlfriend

303. and I want you to kiss me and put your face on mine

304. and stare at me.

305. Ew.

306. See, you can't do it.

307. No, I don't want to do it.

308. Why?

309. Because it's gross and disgusting.

310. Feelings are?

311. Yes.

312. Yes.

313. Feelings are gross and boring and rude and too private

314. and yuck!

315. Do you hear yourself right now?

316. Yes, I hear myself perfectly well.

317. Wait, hang on.

318. Testing. One, two?

319. Am I coming in clear? Am I coming—

320. Yes, all good here.

321. You're an asshole, you're an asshole. Can you hear you right now?

322. You're an asshole.

323. I'm— What?

324. You're an asshole. You're an asshole.

325. I don't like you right now.

326. I don't like you right now.

327. Oh.

328. No.

329. Women.

330. Hello?

331. It's Pamela.

332. Yeah, I know, stupid, everybody knows who everybody is now,

333. 'cause it's—

334. Hey!

335. What?

336. Come back here.

337. Come back right now, okay?

338. Okay. Okay, I'm coming.

339. Hello?

340. Pamela?

341. Hello?

342. In here!

343. Here?

344. Are you in there?

345. Yes.

346. Come in here, please.

347. Okay.

348. Hi.

349. Hi.

350. Remember?

351. Yeah.

352. Take your clothes off and get in.

353. Come on.

354. What's wrong?

355. I—

356. I just—

357. You don't wanna take your shirt off?

358. Well, I never did yet with you.

359. I've never—

360. You've never seen me with my shirt off.

361. I very strategically always had it on whenever we did anything

362. and I...

363. Louie, that's your body.

364. Don't be ashamed, you should be proud, Papa, you're a big bear.

365. You're awesome.

366. Come on, off with the shirt.

367. Okay.

368. Oh, no!

369. Oh, forget it. Forget it.

370. I am kidding, I'm kidding, seriously.

371. I'm kidding, Louie.

372. Seriously.

373. I want you to get in.

374. You're turning me on.

375. I'm totally wet right now.

376. Okay, I see where this is going, forget the whole thing.

377. No, no, no, no!

378. I'm just playing, I'm just playing.

379. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please.

380. Please, Louie.

381. Please, I want you to get into this tub with me.

382. Okay, now, really get in or put some pants on, 'cause holy shit.

383. Yeah, okay, let's go.

384. Oh, God.

385. Okay.

386. My God!

387. Oh, no!

388. No, no!

389. Oh, my God!

390. Oh! Oops.

391. I'm sorry.

392. It's okay.

393. I'm sorry!

394. It's okay.

395. It's okay.

396. I mean, come on.

397. It's okay.

398. There's nothing left.

399. Doesn't this feel nice?

400. Yeah.

401. Come here, turn around.

402. Okay.

403. Oh, Jesus.

404. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

405. Okay.

406. Good?

407. Yeah.

408. Okay.

409. So, tell me something.

410. What?

411. Well, you like saying things

412. and talking about romantic feelings.

413. So...

414. Tell me about kissing.

415. Tell me about your first kiss.

416. My first kiss?

417. Like, the first time I ever kissed a girl?

418. Sure.

419. Okay, well, her name was Laurie.

420. I was in eighth grade and she was—

421. She was like an upper-echelon social girl.

422. Like, I was not in her world.

423. And one day, I'm at my locker, and she walked right up to me

424. and she goes—

425. She said, "Plant one right here, big guy."

426. Ooh.

427. And I didn't know what to say.

428. And then she kissed me right on the mouth.

429. And then she walks away over to her friends.

430. And they all start laughing and she goes, "bleh!"

431. It was a dare.

432. Aw, Louie!

433. No, I don't care, I got to kiss Laurie Presser.

434. I mean, I wish they dared her to suck my dick, I don't care.

435. I got to kiss her.

436. I don't need a person to like it.

437. Tell me about you, tell me about your first kiss.

438. Well, I was supposed to kiss this kid Jeff Choadler, because

439. this girl Dina who told everybody their business

440. all the time said,

441. "You're gonna kiss Jeff at the dance."

442. And then later, I'm in the cafeteria and this boy I like,

443. Mark, said,

444. "Hey, I hear you're gonna kiss Choadler."

445. And I said, "Don't talk about me."

446. And he laughed in my face.

447. So I took all the food that was on my tray

448. and I shoved it in his face

449. and then he hit the ground and I just started pummeling him

450. and his girlfriend came over

451. and she ripped out a chunk of my hair

452. and the principal walked me home.

453. It was gnarly.

454. That's your first kiss?

455. Yeah.

456. Listen.

457. I know you want me to say things

458. and act a way.

459. And it's not that I don't feel certain...

460. Ugh.

461. Look, I want to do what you want, but I just can't.

462. There's some things I just can't do.

463. So... is it okay... that we're here?

464. I want to be here.

465. We're in a tub.

466. We like each other.

467. Can this just be okay?