Louie 4x10

1. So you— you took a chance

2. on being happy, even though you knew that later on

3. you would be sad.

4. Yeah.

5. And now... you're sad.

6. Yeah.

7. So...

8. What, what, what's the problem?

9. I'm too sad.

10. Look, I...

11. I liked the feeling of being in love with her, I liked it.

12. But now she's gone and I miss her and it sucks.

13. And I didn't think it was gonna be this bad,

14. and I feel like, why even be happy,

15. if it's just gonna lead to this?

16. It's wasn't— it wasn't worth it.

17. Boy, misery is wasted on the miserable.

18. What?

19. You know, I'm not...

20. entirely sure what your name is,

21. but you are a classic idiot.

22. You think spending time with her, kissing her,

23. having fun with her, you think that's what it was all about?

24. That was love?

25. Yeah.

26. This is love, missing her.

27. Because she's gone,

28. wanting to die, you're... so lucky.

29. You're like a walking poem.

30. Would you rather be some kind of a... a fantasy?

31. Some kind of a, a, a Disney ride?

32. Is that what you want?

33. Don't you see, this is the good part.

34. This is what you've been digging for all this time.

35. Now you finally have it in your hand,

36. this sweet nugget of love.

37. Sweet, sad love and you wanna throw it away.

38. You've got it all wrong.

39. I thought this was the bad part.

40. No!

41. The bad part is when you forget her.

42. When you don't care about her.

43. When you don't care about anything.

44. The bad part is coming so enjoy the heartbreak

45. while you can, for God sakes.

46. Pick— here, pick, pick up the dog poop, would you please?

47. Lucky son of a bitch,

48. I haven't had my heart broken since Marilyn

49. walked out on me since I was... I was 35 years old.

50. What I would give to have that feeling again.

51. You know?

52. I'm not really sure what your name is but you,

53. you may be

54. the single most boring person

55. I have ever met.

56. No offense, give me my dog, come here.

57. You, you, you've, uh...

58. Don't fall down.

59. Look, um, look, the last time that I saw you,

60. you told me that you

61. were interested in maybe pursuing

62. like a guy, girl thing with...

63. Well, so, I was thinking about it.

64. And, uh—

65. Oh...

66. Oh, so the, the thing with that lady,

67. it didn't work out and now you've come sniffing around me.

68. Is that the basic outline of... this thing here?

69. Yeah, that's basically it.

70. Well, sorry.

71. Ticket's no longer available.

72. That ship has sailed, the option is closed.

73. But you said that I got under your skin

74. and that you were thinking of us—

75. Yeah, that was before, and you didn't bite.

76. The cookie is gone.

77. Jesus, why are you so mean to me?

78. Why do you like it?

79. Okay, okay.

80. But you said—

81. Oh.

82. Oh, yeah, you better get that.

83. Maybe it's your balls calling from wherever they went.

84. Heh-heh.

85. Shut up.

86. Hello?

87. Hi, Mrs. Frame.

88. Okay, that's fine.

89. Oh— what, you—

90. Yeah, but you s—

91. Oh.

92. Yeah, I mean, thanks for letting me know.

93. Yeah.

94. Great, great.

95. What?

96. My— my babysitter just cancelled.

97. I have two shows tonight and I have the kids.

98. So, I'll watch your girls, go do your shows.

99. Are you being serious?

100. Yeah.

101. No problem. Thank you, thank you.

102. I don't give a shit who he is.

103. He stole from us and now he's out there working?

104. That's not gonna fly.

105. That's what I said. I'm not tolerating it.

106. So what are you gonna do?

107. He's — dead, that's what I'm doing.

108. You wanna go that way?

109. Yeah, I wanna go that way.

110. He's dead.

111. Who do you wanna— I'll do it myself.

112. Meet me there at 12:00 and, uh,

113. you can help me get rid of him.

114. Your face! Shut up, shut up, Jesus!

115. Oh!

116. How many people here— okay, by applause,

117. think that you are going— if you're going to heaven,

118. applaud if you think you're going to heaven, anybody?

119. Couple of people— few people.

120. Yeah, you think you're going to heaven?

121. How old, how old are you?

122. 28. You're 28

123. and already... you're a lock for heaven,

124. you're totally— already at 28.

125. You've done enough good in your ten adult years

126. that you couldn't possibly make a mistake that's gonna—

127. Oh, no, that's— well, enjoy it.

128. I hope you like— I don't think there's a heaven.

129. I think there may be a God

130. but I don't think there's a heaven.

131. I think that's the best news you're gonna get.

132. When this is over, is you— hey, God?

133. And He's like, "Yup."

134. And you're like, "Where's heaven?"

135. And He's like, "I don't know who told you that shit.

136. "That's crazy.

137. "What, you think I made a whole universe

138. "and then a whole other amazing place

139. "forever after that?

140. How much do you want from me?"

141. "So where do I go?"

142. "Just stand in this room."

143. "I don't like it." "How do you think I feel?

144. I've been here since 1982."

145. I like the idea that there is a God but only since 1982.

146. Like, He started in 1982.

147. And what did He even do?

148. The "Back to the Future" movies, uh, He worked on those.

149. Otherwise, He's been pretty much the same.

150. I don't know if there is a God.

151. That's all I think you can say, honestly.

152. I mean, you could say there is a God if you believe in it.

153. That's— you could just get to say it 'cause you believe it.

154. You can't argue with somebody's beliefs.

155. "I believe in God."

156. "No, you don't."

157. "Yes."

158. I mean, it's faith, it's not science, it's faith.

159. I envy people who have faith,

160. that wake up in the morning and there He is.

161. They're like, "Ooh, hi!

162. That's so nice that you came again today."

163. He's always there.

164. I don't have that, I wake up and there's nobody.

165. It's just my bad breath and my garlic penis.

166. It's— it used to be at least a boner that—

167. all right, let's get going.

168. But it's just...

169. So...

170. But I don't think you can say that there's no God, uh,

171. 'cause that takes a lot of—

172. boy, that takes a lot of confidence

173. to say, "Nope, there's no— definitely not a God."

174. "How do you know?"

175. "Just 'cause, uh...

176. "doesn't seem like there's one.

177. So... uh, there's not one."

178. How can a human being think that they know

179. that there isn't anything?

180. I mean, you're a human—

181. you can see for a hundred yards, tops.

182. How could you possibly know...

183. God might be right behind you all the time, just like...

184. I think if there is a God, it's probably not the one

185. the way they describe Him in the Bible.

186. They say He's our father and we're his children.

187. That's a weird story.

188. He's our father and we're His children.

189. Where is our mother?

190. How could we— how could we not—

191. what did He do to our mom?

192. Something happened.

193. Somewhere in heaven there's a porch

194. with a dead lady under it.

195. I think, I think, God— it was, uh, if there is a God,

196. I'd— at the— at the least, he has an ex-wife.

197. Maybe that's what it is, God's divorced.

198. And it's a— we're in— like, this is our weekend with God.

199. It feel like a long time,

200. but this is just our weekend with Dad,

201. and then he's gonna take us to Mom's apartment.

202. And she's gonna be sitting there kind of nervous.

203. "I made you a cheese sandwich."

204. And we're like, "I don't know you, bitch."

205. I think that, uh, I think that we made God a man

206. because we wanted men to be in charge, so it made sense.

207. 'Cause it doesn't make sense that men are in charge.

208. It makes sense that women would be in charge.

209. Because your mom is the first person who takes care of you.

210. So how— you'd have— it would just make sense that mothers

211. would run the world, and, uh, they don't— it's the opposite.

212. So we have this weird system of, uh, you know, men being—

213. It's kind of upside down.

214. I think the reason is 'cause women were in charge

215. long time ago and they were really mean.

216. They were horrible.

217. And they would— you had to walk around naked

218. and they'd flick your penis and laugh at you.

219. So we're so scared of them.

220. And then finally, one guy punched a woman

221. and she was like, "Whaa!"

222. And he's like, "We can hit them!"

223. And then that was it.

224. That was it.

225. And so now

226. we're so afraid of women, that's why—

227. 'cause women are really kept down, uh, even today.

228. Uh, a lot of people like to argue that things are equal,

229. but they're really not.

230. And American history hasn't been kind to women.

231. Women couldn't vote till 1920, how crazy is that?

232. Do you know who the first President is...

233. that women voted for?

234. It was Mike Chapritemps, I don't know.

235. Uh, I have no idea, but, uh...

236. They couldn't vote till 1920

237. which means America wasn't really

238. a democracy until 1920.

239. You can't call it a democracy

240. if the whole sex of women can't vote.

241. That's— Jimmy Carter would not sanction that election.

242. That you would let zero women vote.

243. That means American democracy is really 93 years old.

244. That's really how old it is.

245. There are people in my building older than American democracy.

246. Women— until recently, a woman was just her husband's property.

247. Her name was Mrs. Fred Johnson.

248. That's what a woman's name was.

249. Not even Lori Johnson.

250. She was Mrs. Fred Johnson.

251. Like, "What's your name?"

252. "Fred Johnson fucks me occasionally."

253. "Really, that's, that's..."

254. "Yeah."

255. Guys used to— a lot of guys still beat their wives.

256. At least now it's frowned upon.

257. And really, that's about it, just, hmm, just frowning.

258. That's what we do about it.

259. But it was so okay to beat your wife until so recently,

260. that there's a kind of shirt named after it.

261. We have a kind of shirt

262. that we affectionately nicknamed

263. after beating the shit out of your helpless, captive wife.

264. And everybody uses this name.

265. I was watching "Good Morning America."

266. This cute woman was like,

267. "So I was wearing a wife beater."

268. Stop saying it like it doesn't mean anything.

269. "I was wearing a wife beater and child murder shorts.

270. And I looked so cute!"

271. I told him, I said this is—

272. this is the last time I will allow that to happen,

273. 'cause I'm not—

274. I'm not born to sit there and listen to that.

275. Sit there and lie, you know?

276. That's not why I'm here.

277. And, and, and I got two weeks to get it straight, two weeks.

278. That's, that's like... it's practically impossible.

279. You gotta line everything up.

280. And then— that's the last time, I told him.

281. I said, "That's it, that's it."

282. Last straw, you know?

283. You know, 25 percent of them are liars,

284. that is a scientific fact.

285. They're liars, there's no reason to believe

286. anything they tell you.

287. I'm gonna look out for my own interests.

288. That's what makes sense to me.

289. You know, I mean, you know, I'm not gonna sit there

290. and let them keep talking to me like that

291. and lying to everybody, right?

292. I'm gonna, you know— there's only so much I can take.

293. They pushed me too far.

294. And too far is too far.

295. Please don't start jerking off, I'm awake.

296. Um...

297. Hey.

298. Um, was everything okay with the kids?

299. No, they're both dead.

300. I'll see you later.

301. Okay, well...

302. Your kids are great, by the way.

303. They're both better than... Jesus.

304. Well, I—

305. No, no, stupid. All right, I'm sorry.

306. Listen, I, uh...

307. What are you coming ov—?

308. Look, no, no, it's oh— I just...

309. Okay, well, bye, now.

310. Pamela.

311. No, bye-bye.

312. Bye, now.

313. Pamela.

314. Louie— I just wanna—

315. I'm really late for...

316. not being in here right now.

317. Wait, wait, wait, wait, look, listen, I'm, I'm—

318. What, no, no-no-no!

319. Just— No!

320. Come on, come on.

321. No.

322. Come on. No.

323. Come on.

324. Just—

325. No, I don't like that.

326. I just—

327. Oh, my God!

328. This would be rape if you weren't so stupid!

329. God, you can't even rape well.

330. Hey, listen to me— hey.

331. Look at me.

332. Please?

333. You— you said you wanted to do something with me.

334. And I don't believe you that the ship has sailed.

335. See? You want to do some—

336. you wanna try something but you don't... know— you can't,

337. for some reason, you can't.

338. So I'm gonna take control.

339. And I'm gonna make something happen.

340. You said you wanted to be— do— be in a thing.

341. Yeah, but does kissing have to be in it?

342. Yeah, that's 'cause people, that's a people— do that.

343. People do that, okay?

344. I'm gonna— I'm gonna kiss you now.

345. Ew.

346. Okay, I'm gonna— Maybe, I don't know.

347. I'm gonna do— I'm gonna do it, okay?

348. Oh.

349. Okay. Hurry up.

350. Here I go.

351. Okay.

352. Thank you for... the that.

353. Sorry.

354. Okay, bye now.

355. Yes.

356. Okay, where are we now?

357. What?

358. Where are we?

359. On the bus.

360. Lily, you're gonna be taking this bus alone soon.

361. You need to be aware.

362. What if the bus broke down right now?

363. And you had to get off, where would you be?

364. It didn't break down so it's fine.

365. Just, please, look out the window.

366. We're at 23rd Street.

367. Good. So?

368. Okay, so... so what street is your school on?

369. 28.

370. 28, okay, so if you're at 23rd Street

371. and you have to get to 28th Street...

372. Daddy, is Pamela lady your girlfriend now?

373. What?

374. Is Pamela your girlfriend?

375. No.

376. But...

377. Who's gonna pick us up from school today?

378. Your—

379. Your mom.

380. Daddy. What?

381. Is Pamela your girlfriend now?

382. Listen, girls...

383. Okay, when you're with me...

384. Yeah?

385. And then you're with your mom,

386. and you talk about when you were with me.

387. You want us to lie to Mom about Pamela.

388. Jesus Christ, hey, buddy, hey, hey!

389. Don't spit on the bus, what's wrong with you?

390. Come on, shut up, man.

391. No, I won't, you're— this is a community bus, you don't spit.

392. I thought I said shut up, you trying to disrespect me?

393. I— yes, I am, because you spit.

394. Stay over there, man. I am over here and that's a disgusting...

395. Hey, hey, hey!

396. Hey, what's the commotion back there?

397. Yo, this guy back here spit on the bus, man.

398. Don't spit on my bus!