Louie 3x8

1. Stop it!

2. Stop it!

3. It's not time to do that right now.

4. But it's beautiful.

5. It's not time to do it, I told you—

6. I told you...

7. to do your homework.

8. Go to your room, go to your room, go to your room. Hey.

9. Go to your room, go to your room. Hey... Daddy!

10. Go to your room, go to your room!

11. Go to your room, go to your room.

12. This is bullshit.

13. Can someone help me at all?

14. Yeah, I'll help you.

15. Thank you very much, I appreciate it.

16. So I was— I was wondering about this DVD player.

17. Yeah?

18. Well, does it play just Blu-ray or regular DVDs?

19. Uh...

20. I'm not sure.

21. You want to know if it plays DVDs?

22. No, I—

23. Hello? Hey.

24. I was helping you. No, you weren't.

25. - Hello?

26. Please hold for...

27. Excelsior C.K.

28. Excelsior?

29. Oh, yeah.

30. Hello... Louie.

31. Uncle X, hi, how are you? I am well.

32. How are you yourself? I'm okay.

33. I'm kinda— I'm kind of busy right now.

34. I am busy myself.

35. Shall we hang up? No, no.

36. I'm— I'm sorry.

37. I'm coming to New York and I wonder if we could meet?

38. Oh, uh...

39. We should have lunch tomorrow.

40. Do you accept?

41. You know, I have— I have my kids with me.

42. I guess I could get a sitter, um...

43. Very well, then.

44. Meet me at the Russian Tea Room at 2:00 p.m.

45. Okay.

46. I look forward to it, Louie.

47. Oh, jeez...

48. Shit!

49. Luther Vandross, right?

50. Cool. Excuse me.

51. Yes, sir.

52. Are you the manager here?

53. One of your employees just assaulted me.

54. That's pretty serious. Mm-hmm.

55. Will you come this way? Yeah.

56. Get security to meet me at the office.

57. Okay, so this was about 20 minutes ago.

58. Can you see which camera you were near?

59. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's us right there.

60. Okay.

61. Is that me?

62. That's not me.

63. Yeah, man, that's you.

64. That's what I look like?

65. Mm-hmm.

66. All right, okay, see what he's doing?

67. See?

68. Okay, now watch what happens.

69. Shit!

70. Clearly, he acted inappropriately.

71. How would you like to proceed?

72. Do you wish to press charges?

73. Thank you very much.

74. Thanks a lot.

75. Show me that shit again.

76. Is this closed?

77. Louie, Louie.

78. Hello, welcome.

79. Come, sit.

80. Ahh... Hi.

81. Hi.

82. Hi. How are you?

83. Hi.

84. You are— you are in show business now?

85. Yeah, yeah.

86. Then tell me.

87. Tell me all about that.

88. Well, it's— well, it's going pretty well.

89. I got this show and— That's wonderful.

90. Listen, why I want to see you— Okay.

91. I was in Boston yesterday

92. because I bought a credenza in Geneva.

93. I was there representing Mexico

94. at an international finance-analysis conference

95. and I was invited to the palace

96. of some sort of duke.

97. He had this wonderful credenza

98. and I asked him about it and he said...

99. Well, he was this kind of man— hmm—

100. who has a hunting dog by his side

101. and boots, you know?

102. You know, like... like this kind of man, you know?

103. You know? Okay.

104. And so this duke, I said to him,

105. "What a wonderful credenza."

106. And he says, "I must make you a gift of one."

107. You know?

108. This— this kind of...

109. "Mmm, mmm, mmm..."

110. And so he gave me one

111. and I had it shipped to Boston

112. and I'm having it redone

113. by the most excellent

114. historical carpenter in Boston.

115. And while I was in Boston, I saw your father.

116. Yes.

117. Your father.

118. Do you know what he told me?

119. No.

120. Waiter.

121. We'd like two Cornish hens and some water.

122. Listen, my— my—

123. When I was a boy, I had a horse

124. given to me by my father,

125. your abuelo.

126. And when I went away to school,

127. I gave that horse to your father to care for

128. and in three months, he let my horse die.

129. Yeah.

130. So...

131. Louie, let me ask you something.

132. When a man has intercourse with a prostitute

133. and he covers his organ...

134. with protection

135. so that he won't catch her wretchedness,

136. he's acting in the interest of his family

137. so that he won't take it home to his wife.

138. Hmm?

139. That's— that's a question?

140. But...

141. between a father and a son,

142. there can be no separation.

143. No boundary.

144. A father calls, a son answers.

145. A father beckons, a son comes.

146. This is for life, Louie.

147. For life.

148. I saw your father.

149. He was alone. He has no one.

150. I could not even look at him and he cried to me,

151. "Ooh, my son, he does not call me, does not see me."

152. It was disgusting, like a woman.

153. Listen, can I just—

154. When a father— Can I please—

155. Uncle X, just let me say one thing, okay, please?

156. No.

157. You go and see your father.

158. You go and see him.

159. Louie, Louie.

160. Louie.

161. For shame.

162. Shame on you, shame on you.

163. Shame on you, shame on you, Louie, shame on you.

164. Go and see your father.

165. You go and see him.

166. Yes.

167. Yes.

168. Shame.

169. Shame on you.

170. Make a bet, man.

171. Give me a second.

172. You already took 7,000.

173. I'm trying to figure out what to do.

174. Well, then fold.

175. Don't tell him to fold, I want his money.

176. Call.

177. And after all that, he calls.

178. Goddamn it.

179. I raise it five. Five?

180. How do you guys have so much money?

181. That's like the cheesiest—

182. I don't have five.

183. You could sell your tits on eBay.

184. You'd get like seven bucks for those.

185. Yeah, but shipping would be, like, five bucks.

186. I'd clear $2.

187. And then I'd also have big bloody holes

188. where my tits used to be.

189. I would still. Oh...

190. In the titty hole?

191. Right in the two titty holes, her new titty holes.

192. Oh, my God.

193. Give me a 20, sweetie. Yeah.

194. I call.

195. Oh, you left something in here, Jim.

196. Give me that, give me that, give me that. Wait, wait, whoa.

197. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

198. What is this?

199. Oh, my God. Drawn by a child, I guess.

200. Please, please, give me that, please.

201. Jim, why do you have a child's crude drawing

202. of a woman with a scribbly bush

203. sucking a big cock?

204. It's not a child's drawing.

205. I drew it.

206. You're gonna have to tell the story. There's no story.

207. You drew this? Okay, can we play poker?

208. Why did you draw that? Tell the story now.

209. Because, um, I get horny

210. and I've always gotten horny, really horny. Okay.

211. And when I was growing up, we didn't have "Playboys,"

212. 'cause they weren't allowed and my mother would

213. clear my room out and so I would just draw tits and pussies.

214. Like this?

215. No, stupid, I just— I draw them regularly. Let me get this straight.

216. You jack off to your own

217. drawings of tits and pussies?

218. That's a lot of work to get a nut off.

219. I think it's sweet.

220. You still draw like a little kid.

221. I know. All right, all right.

222. This is new, this is new. Yes, it's new.

223. This is contemporary work. Yes, it's contemporary work.

224. And you jerk off to this? Yes, I do.

225. So what?

226. Can you go to the doughnut shop and get me a cruller?

227. Did you guys see this article in "The New York Times"?

228. It was about ancient forms of pornography

229. and they're talking about wood carvings from the—

230. Whoa!

231. That's it, I'm out.

232. Oh! Ugh.

233. I know I tell a bad story, but wow.

234. I can't play cards with you people,

235. throwing up all over the... place.

236. Sweetie, are you okay?

237. I'm sorry, I don't know what happened.

238. Jesus, Louie, you got me right in the face!

239. Well. So what is this?

240. Well, here's the thing.

241. Rashes and vomiting don't usually go together.

242. And if they do, it's usually...

243. fever, aches and pains

244. and you don't have any of that.

245. No, I actually feel pretty good except for

246. I have a rash and I'm vomiting for no reason.

247. Right, so, you know, what we look for in cases like this

248. is what else might be going on.

249. What— what else?

250. You know, what else is going on?

251. What do you— what do you mean?

252. In your life, what's new?

253. Any new stress?

254. Oh, uh...

255. Well, no, I mean, I got kids and I work,

256. it's hard sometimes, but, y'know, boilerplate misery,

257. alone in the world,

258. might as well be a maggot sucking a dead cat's face,

259. what's the point?

260. But nothing new.

261. Have you eaten anything recently

262. that you're not used to?

263. I had corn flakes yesterday, I had pizza.

264. I had a Cornish hen.

265. Where'd you have Cornish hen?

266. Um...

267. The Russian Tea Room.

268. Fancy.

269. Yeah, I was with my uncle and...

270. Yeah?

271. He said...

272. Oh, oh, boy.

273. I think we found the virus. Yeah.

274. What did— what did your uncle say?

275. Sorry. Yeah, take your time.

276. Ugh.

277. He said...

278. He told me to go see my dad.

279. Oh.

280. When's the last time you saw your dad?

281. Two years ago— I don't talk to him.

282. But I...

283. What's weird is I didn't get upset when he said it, I...

284. I got annoyed with him, but I didn't— I didn't—

285. Well, clearly, your body wasn't ready to take it all in

286. and whatever it is with your dad,

287. it's too big for your actual conscious mind to take in

288. and your nervous system,

289. and so it's coming out your skin and your stomach.

290. That sounds— that sounds right.

291. I think you ought to— I think you better go see your dad

292. or decide it's okay not to see your dad.

293. Either way.

294. I think I'm gonna...

295. Here, okay, hold on, I got— here...

296. Ladies and gentlemen, we're making our final descent

297. into Logan Airport in Boston where your father lives.

298. Please return your seat backs to the upright position

299. and turn off and stow your...

300. Did he just throw up?

301. He just threw up on the car.

302. Sir!

303. Sir!

304. You can't throw up on the car.

305. I already did, I'm sorry.

306. Well, sir, you're gonna have to clean that up.

307. That's not your car.

308. Hey, listen, I'm going to see my father, okay?

309. I'm a little distressed.

310. I haven't seen him in two years.

311. Well, either see him or don't see him.

312. Make a decision, be a man.

313. You're 44 years old.

314. It's your fault.

315. Make a left turn on Walnut Street

316. to get to your father's house.

317. You missed the turn to your father's house.

318. Okay, okay.

319. Why are you being such a...

320. little pussy about this?

321. Shut up.

322. He's your father.

323. It's not like he...

324. touched your dick or something.

325. No, it was nothing like that.

326. I just feel weird around him, that's all,

327. I just don't— I—

328. Why are you yelling at me?

329. I'm not even real.

330. I'm aware of that, I—

331. Look, I'm not trying to argue with you.

332. Of course, most people would say

333. that they want to be with their dad all the time.

334. Oh, shit!

335. All right, all right, all right, all right.

336. All right, I get it!

337. I get it, your life is gonna end if you don't move now!

338. Jesus Christ. You got a problem?

339. You wanna start something? I'll "staht" something.

340. You wanna "staht" something? Ignoramus?

341. Yeah, ignoramus.

342. Yeah, I'm sick of guys like you.

343. I'm glad I don't live here anymore. Hey, hey, hey.

344. Your nose is bleeding. What?

345. Your nose is bleeding.

346. Here. Oh, Jesus Christ.

347. Use this.

348. Hey, man, I'm sorry, I just—

349. I'm stressed out, I'm going to see my dad.

350. Your dad?

351. Yeah, I haven't seen him in about two years.

352. I haven't seen my dad since he died.

353. I'm sorry. Yeah.

354. You should think about that, you queer.

355. I'm sorry, man. All right.

356. Keep the rag too, okay? Okay, man.

357. Good luck with your dad.

358. Good luck, all right.

359. Thanks, man, thank you. Take it easy, mush.

360. Whoo!