1. Oh, shit.
Hi.
Copy !req
2. Hey, how you doing?
Copy !req
3. Hi, how are you?
Copy !req
4. How are you,
Delores?
Copy !req
5. I wanted to talk to
you about something
Copy !req
6. regarding the time
that you...
Copy !req
7. came to my apartment.
Copy !req
8. Hey.
Copy !req
9. Do you remember?
Yes, I...
Copy !req
10. Yes, I do.
Copy !req
11. Oh, Daddy.
Copy !req
12. Well, I'm having some
residual feelings
Copy !req
13. about what happened.
Copy !req
14. Oh, Daddy,
I'm so sorry!
Copy !req
15. What kind of residual—
Copy !req
16. Have you told anyone
about what happened?
Copy !req
17. No, of course not.
Why not?
Copy !req
18. What?
Copy !req
19. I've been
talking about it a lot.
Copy !req
20. You have?
Yes.
Copy !req
21. In therapy.
Ah, okay.
Copy !req
22. I mean, um.
Copy !req
23. In fact, I wanted to
ask you for a favor.
Copy !req
24. What's that?
Copy !req
25. Will you come to
therapy with me?
Copy !req
26. You want me to come to
your therapist with...
Copy !req
27. Yeah, I have some things
to say to you
Copy !req
28. about what happened
and I would feel better
Copy !req
29. if it was in my
therapist's presence.
Are you upset with me, or—
Copy !req
30. What...
Are you gonna
do it or not?
Copy !req
31. I don't think so,
Delores.
Copy !req
32. I don't think
I'm gonna do that.
Copy !req
33. I'll—
Copy !req
34. Well, can I ask for your
help with something else?
Copy !req
35. What?
Copy !req
36. This Sunday,
I want to rent a van
Copy !req
37. and I want to go to the IKEA
in New Jersey.
Copy !req
38. I need a lot of
stuff for my home right now
Copy !req
39. and Nelson's father isn't
paying much support.
Copy !req
40. Okay, so—
Will you come with me?
Copy !req
41. You want me to go to
IKEA with you?
Copy !req
42. If you go with me,
Copy !req
43. I promise to
give you a blow job.
Copy !req
44. Delores.
What?
Copy !req
45. You don't— if you want
something from me,
Copy !req
46. you could just ask—
I'm not asking for
charity from you.
Copy !req
47. I don't need your help.
Copy !req
48. I'm just saying,
if you offer it,
Copy !req
49. I'll suck your dick.
Copy !req
50. Hi, Merideth,
how you doing?
Copy !req
51. It's nice to see you.
Copy !req
52. I think this rug will
fit in Nelson's room but...
Copy !req
53. I don't know about
the color.
Copy !req
54. It would be a lot more help
if you would participate.
Copy !req
55. How do you want me
to participate?
Copy !req
56. You know, it really burns me
that you need me to tell you
Copy !req
57. how to be helpful.
Copy !req
58. It's harder than doing
everything myself and...
Copy !req
59. It's insulting, really.
Copy !req
60. Hey, Delores, if you need
something, just ask for it,
Copy !req
61. don't make me read
your mind.
Copy !req
62. Oh, thank you.
Copy !req
63. Thanks for answering
my request for help
Copy !req
64. by making fun of me.
Copy !req
65. I'm not making
fun of you.
Copy !req
66. What is your problem?
Copy !req
67. I'm trying— What—
What's your problem?
Copy !req
68. I don't have a problem,
I have a lot of stuff
Copy !req
69. that I have to
accomplish.
Copy !req
70. Let's not let that
happen to us.
Copy !req
71. Okay, hossenfeffer.
Copy !req
72. I'm gonna
pry it out of you—
I'm not—
Copy !req
73. You're not prying it
out of me.
Copy !req
74. I'll tell you.
Copy !req
75. If you wanna know what I think
of the rug, I'll tell you.
Copy !req
76. It's fine.
Copy !req
77. "It's fine," that's it?
Copy !req
78. That's your opinion, that's
all you have to offer?
Copy !req
79. It's a rug!
Copy !req
80. It's fine.
Copy !req
81. That's the level of passion
that a rug warrants.
Copy !req
82. It's a rug, it doesn't
solve all of my problems.
Copy !req
83. But it doesn't make
me angry.
Copy !req
84. It's a rug—
it doesn't smell bad,
Copy !req
85. it's flat, it's blue,
it goes on the floor.
Copy !req
86. It's not coated with AIDS
Copy !req
87. and it's not a portal
to a nether place.
Copy !req
88. It's— it's— it doesn't
make me come, but it's fine.
Copy !req
89. Ah, Delores.
Copy !req
90. Jesus.
Copy !req
91. Hey.
Copy !req
92. All right, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
93. Okay, all right,
okay.
Copy !req
94. Okay, it's all right.
Copy !req
95. Okay, okay.
Copy !req
96. Okay.
Copy !req
97. All right.
Copy !req
98. I owe you
a blow job.
Copy !req
99. You know what,
don't worry about it.
Copy !req
100. No, I owe it to you.
Copy !req
101. I prefer to stick to
our arrangement.
Copy !req
102. Okay, well, you can
just owe it to me, okay?
Copy !req
103. So...
Copy !req
104. notify me when you
want me to...
Copy !req
105. suck it.
Copy !req
106. Okay.
Copy !req
107. Maybe I should have
gotten two of those chairs.
Copy !req
108. You mean
the rattan chairs?
Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
109. No, no, no.
Copy !req
110. The painted ones are good,
Copy !req
111. they're gonna be better
for your space,
Copy !req
112. they'll be
more practical.
Copy !req
113. You did good.
Copy !req
114. Hi.
Hi!
Copy !req
115. You must be Doris.
Yes, hi, you're Louie?
Copy !req
116. That's me.
Hello.
Copy !req
117. Nice to meet you.
Uh, so, um.
Copy !req
118. Well...
Copy !req
119. Can I get you
something to drink?
Copy !req
120. No, oh, no, I'm fine, I've got
my own water right here.
Okay.
Copy !req
121. Well, this is my—
this is my piano.
Oh, all right, great.
Copy !req
122. So should we—
Yeah.
Copy !req
123. No, no,
can I ask what made you
Copy !req
124. wanna decide to take
piano lessons?
Copy !req
125. You told me on the phone
that this is your first time.
Copy !req
126. Oh, yeah, well, it's kind of
weird 'cause I'm 44, right,
Copy !req
127. and most people
probably don't start—
Copy !req
128. No, that's great,
it's great.
Copy !req
129. Well— okay, well, I bought
this piano for my kids
Copy !req
130. so they can learn
Copy !req
131. and neither of them
wanted to.
Right.
Copy !req
132. And then I just decided,
Copy !req
133. you know, screw them,
I'll learn piano.
Great.
Copy !req
134. I don't know.
Great.
Copy !req
135. So we're starting
from scratch?
Copy !req
136. Yeah, from scratch.
Great.
Copy !req
137. Okay, well.
Copy !req
138. the thing to know about
the piano is that—
Copy !req
139. That was—
that was really nice.
Copy !req
140. Oh.
That's really good.
Copy !req
141. Well, you'll— you'll
play like that soon enough.
Copy !req
142. But the piano is
actually the...
Copy !req
143. the soul and
the heart of—
Oh, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
144. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
145. I'll just ignore—
No, no, no, that's okay,
you can get it.
Copy !req
146. Just one call, okay,
thank you.
Yeah, it's okay.
Copy !req
147. Hello?
Copy !req
148. Hi.
Copy !req
149. So listen, either you
gave me the crabs
Copy !req
150. or I gave you
the crabs but anyway—
Copy !req
151. I have the crabs
Copy !req
152. and you were inside me last
week, so you got crabs too.
Copy !req
153. Uh. so...
Copy !req
154. Jesus!
Copy !req
155. You didn't feel itchy?
Copy !req
156. Yeah, but I thought it—
Copy !req
157. I thought it was
laundry detergent.
Copy !req
158. No, crabs.
Copy !req
159. Uh...
Copy !req
160. So... you
or... sorry.
Copy !req
161. I don't
know which one.
Copy !req
162. Bye.
Copy !req
163. Uh.
Copy !req
164. Are you okay?
Copy !req
165. Well, I got a little bit
of an emergency and I'm...
Copy !req
166. It's okay, it's gonna be
okay but it's kind of—
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
167. It's something I just need
to deal with right now,
Copy !req
168. so I don't think
I can do this right now.
Oh, oh—
Copy !req
169. I'm really sorry
but I really think I—
It's okay... okay.
Copy !req
170. I gotta ask you to go
'cause I gotta—
Oh, no, that's all right.
Copy !req
171. I'll pay you for today,
I don't mean to—
No, no, no, no, no.
Copy !req
172. That's okay,
that's okay.
Copy !req
173. I'm really sorry,
Doris, I just, uh...
Copy !req
174. Ahh!
Copy !req
175. Excuse me, uh...
Copy !req
176. Yes, can I help you?
Copy !req
177. Yeah, I have, uh,
Copy !req
178. I— Crabs.
Copy !req
179. Can I—
Do you need
the shampoo?
Copy !req
180. Yes.
Copy !req
181. I had it when I was younger,
so I remember
Copy !req
182. but I don't—
Do you have it?
Copy !req
183. Do you not have it?
Yeah, we keep it
behind the counter.
Copy !req
184. It's nonprescription
but if we kept it out there,
Copy !req
185. nobody would ever pay for it.
Copy !req
186. Ah, okay.
Copy !req
187. Can I have it, please?
Yes.
Copy !req
188. Uh, I'm gonna have to
put it together for you.
Copy !req
189. It's a kit.
Great.
Copy !req
190. Excuse me.
Yes, can I help you?
Copy !req
191. I'd like to speak to
the pharmacist.
Copy !req
192. Um, what about?
Copy !req
193. Well, I got this
prescription here
Copy !req
194. but, um...
Copy !req
195. but I want to
consult with him.
Copy !req
196. I didn't get my
consultation.
Copy !req
197. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
198. Okay, that's an antibiotic,
Copy !req
199. so if you just follow
the instructions,
Copy !req
200. you should be just fine.
Copy !req
201. Of course.
Copy !req
202. But I would like to
speak with him.
Well...
Copy !req
203. I need a consultation.
Copy !req
204. Yes— He's busy
at the moment.
Copy !req
205. Well, when can
I speak to him?
Copy !req
206. What seems to be
the problem?
Copy !req
207. Well, I wanna make sure
I'm taking it right.
Copy !req
208. Are you taking
water with it?
Copy !req
209. Yes.
And food?
Copy !req
210. Yes, I've been
taking it with my meals.
Copy !req
211. And have you been
urinating regularly?
Copy !req
212. Well, yes, I have.
Copy !req
213. How many times
did you urinate today?
Copy !req
214. Well, uh...
Copy !req
215. Three times, I urinated
three times today.
Copy !req
216. Did you have
a bowel movement today?
Copy !req
217. Yes, I did,
I had a bowel movement!
Copy !req
218. What was it like?
Copy !req
219. Was it soft?
Copy !req
220. Was it hard?
Copy !req
221. Or was your
bowel movement normal?
Copy !req
222. Well, it was perhaps
a little soft
Copy !req
223. but it was
mostly normal.
Copy !req
224. You should be fine.
Copy !req
225. Thank you.
Copy !req
226. There you go.
Copy !req
227. Ugh.
Copy !req
228. And the winner of Moneyhouse,
and the 17 $40 prize.
Copy !req
229. It's time for
"Retro Comedy Showcase!"
Copy !req
230. Tonight, the '80s.
Copy !req
231. First up, Louie CK.
Copy !req
232. Thank you very much!
Copy !req
233. My name is Louie.
Copy !req
234. I have red hair,
Copy !req
235. which means I can't
go to the beach
Copy !req
236. because I don't really tan,
Copy !req
237. I just kind of burst
into flames.
Copy !req
238. So I live in New York City.
Copy !req
239. New York is a— is a—
it's the only city
Copy !req
240. I've ever been where you
actually have to say things
Copy !req
241. like, "Hey, that's mine,
don't pee on that."
Copy !req
242. But, uh...
Copy !req
243. Thank you very much, you've
been a pleasure, good night!
Copy !req
244. Now it's time for
Sarah Silverman!
Copy !req
245. Hey, how are you doing?
Copy !req
246. Thank you very much,
it's really nice to be here.
Copy !req
247. You know, I was just back East
'cause my sister got married,
Copy !req
248. and it was really neat,
Copy !req
249. you know, they took each
other's last names.
Copy !req
250. They hyphenated it, you know?
Copy !req
251. So now my sister's name is:
Susan Silverman-Abromowitz.
Copy !req
252. They're thinking of just
shortening it to just:
Copy !req
253. Jews.
Copy !req
254. Ha-ha!
Copy !req
255. the Jews,
they're good people.
Copy !req
256. Hey!
Copy !req
257. Hey, you gotta turn on the
Comedy channel right now.
Copy !req
258. Oh, no, why?
Copy !req
259. best friend.
Oh, no!
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260. Oh, no.
You look like
my friend Debbie.
Copy !req
261. Oh, God.
Copy !req
262. You know what,
I think I look better now.
Copy !req
263. Yeah, you do,
it's true.
Copy !req
264. It's sad, though, you know,
'cause we're not really
Copy !req
265. friends anymore, but.
Copy !req
266. "I was so cute
and I didn't know better."
Copy !req
267. It's a lot of those
kind of jokes.
Copy !req
268. "Did I say something?
Copy !req
269. I didn't even know
I said something."
Copy !req
270. Oh, pathological liar.
Copy !req
271. How are you?
Copy !req
272. I'm okay,
I had a stupid day.
Copy !req
273. Why?
Copy !req
274. And now, Marc Maron!
Copy !req
275. Oh, my God,
Marc Maron!
Copy !req
276. How you doing, folks,
all right?
Copy !req
277. Yeah!
Copy !req
278. Let's start a revolution,
what do you think?
Copy !req
279. That never happens
in this country.
Copy !req
280. All I know is, last year,
Copy !req
281. a million students rebelled
in China;
Copy !req
282. 650,000 people in Romania;
Copy !req
283. a half a million
in East Germany—
Copy !req
284. I'm thinking to myself,
Copy !req
285. you couldn't get a half-million
Americans together
Copy !req
286. unless it was a really
good rock-'n'-roll show...
Copy !req
287. Look at him,
he looks adorable.
Copy !req
288. giving away beer.
Copy !req
289. I mean, if I came up to you
and I said, "Come!
Copy !req
290. "We must go to
the center of town
Copy !req
291. fight for freedom,
democracy and our rights!"
Copy !req
292. You would be like,
"Tonight?
Copy !req
293. We rented 'Batman,' um."
Copy !req
294. Are you still watching?
Copy !req
295. Yeah.
Copy !req
296. Are you okay?
Copy !req
297. It's weird to see him
right now.
Copy !req
298. Why?
Copy !req
299. I haven't talked to
Marc in ten years.
Copy !req
300. That's crazy— what?
Copy !req
301. You guys
never made up?
Copy !req
302. You guys were best friends
for years.
Copy !req
303. I know.
Copy !req
304. And then we had that thing
happen and it was—
Copy !req
305. it was really bad.
Copy !req
306. What even happened?
Copy !req
307. Well— Shit.
Copy !req
308. He—
Copy !req
309. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
310. What?
Copy !req
311. Oh...
Copy !req
312. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
313. Jesus, I've been—
Copy !req
314. I've been mad at Marc
for ten years.
Copy !req
315. You know, not actively
Copy !req
316. but I wrote him off
Copy !req
317. because he did this
really shitty thing to me
Copy !req
318. and I just—
Copy !req
319. he never apologized.
Copy !req
320. I was done with him.
Copy !req
321. And just now,
I realized
Copy !req
322. that it was my fault.
Copy !req
323. Really?
Copy !req
324. Completely my fault.
Copy !req
325. I'm stunned.
Copy !req
326. I mean, I can't believe that
I ever blamed him for that.
Copy !req
327. And it was...
Copy !req
328. I was such
an asshole.
Copy !req
329. Well, you grew up,
Louie.
Copy !req
330. I mean, a lot's
happened to you
Copy !req
331. in the past ten years,
and him too, I'm sure.
Copy !req
332. This is good, it's growth,
you should call him.
Copy !req
333. I don't know.
Copy !req
334. I don't even think
I have a good number
Copy !req
335. for him anymore.
Copy !req
336. I have it, Lou,
call him right now.
Copy !req
337. Okay, I will.
Copy !req
338. One second.
Copy !req
339. Hey, man.
Hi.
Copy !req
340. What's up?
How you doing?
Copy !req
341. Thank you for—
Okay.
Copy !req
342. I really appreciate you
having me over.
Copy !req
343. Yeah, I...
Copy !req
344. Of course.
Copy !req
345. You want to—
you want to sit down, or—
Copy !req
346. Sure.
Copy !req
347. There's fine.
Copy !req
348. What's up, man?
Copy !req
349. Hey, uh, listen,
thank you, uh—
Copy !req
350. This is kind of
hard to say, okay?
Copy !req
351. I— okay, look.
Copy !req
352. You know we had that
fight, like, ten years ago?
Copy !req
353. I— I held that against you
for ten years
Copy !req
354. and that's—
Copy !req
355. that's hard to
even say because—
Copy !req
356. Okay, I mean,
from my point of view,
Copy !req
357. it's always been that you did
something really...
Copy !req
358. really wrong to me
Copy !req
359. and then you just
refused... that—
Copy !req
360. I mean, that's the way that
I looked at it, you know?
Copy !req
361. And, uh—
Copy !req
362. So the other day, I was
thinking about it again,
Copy !req
363. I guess I hadn't
really thought about it
for a long time,
Copy !req
364. not in detail,
Copy !req
365. and I really went over it
in my head, you know,
Copy !req
366. I don't know why,
Copy !req
367. and I realized that it was
my fault, completely.
Copy !req
368. And it's like—
I was a total asshole to you
Copy !req
369. and I stopped being
your friend
Copy !req
370. and I'm shocked now
when I think of it.
Copy !req
371. that I would ever have
thought it was
Copy !req
372. anything that you did.
Copy !req
373. You did nothing
and I— and I—
Copy !req
374. I know that now
Copy !req
375. and I don't know how to—
how to, uh... look back—
Copy !req
376. you know, you look back
at your actions and—
Copy !req
377. Man, I don't know—
Copy !req
378. I don't know if this
has any meaning
Copy !req
379. or worth to
you and I don't—
Copy !req
380. Maybe this is just more
of me being selfish,
Copy !req
381. but I just wanna say, Marc,
that I'm sorry
Copy !req
382. and I wish that, uh—
Copy !req
383. Well, I don't know
what else to say.
Copy !req
384. Okay, is—
is that it, or—
Copy !req
385. Yeah, I guess so.
Copy !req
386. All right, well,
I appreciate that,
Copy !req
387. but I guess you don't
remember,
Copy !req
388. but you came over
here five years ago
Copy !req
389. and said the exact
same thing.
Copy !req
390. I did?
Copy !req
391. Yeah.
Copy !req
392. I mean,
you cried that time.
Copy !req
393. You didn't cry this time,
so that's—
Copy !req
394. I guess that's something.
Copy !req
395. Shit, I kind of
remember that now.
Yeah.
Copy !req
396. Well, look,
I accepted that time,
Copy !req
397. I don't know, this time—
whatever.
Copy !req
398. I don't know what— what—
Copy !req
399. do you need something from me,
do you want—
Copy !req
400. No, no.
I'm sorry.
Copy !req
401. Okay, again?
Copy !req
402. All right.
Okay, I'm—
Copy !req
403. Okay.
Okay.
Copy !req
404. We good then, are we...
Yeah, yeah, man,
okay, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
405. Okay, all right.
Copy !req
406. Uh...
It's all right.
Copy !req
407. I mean, you know,
it happens.
Shit.
Copy !req
408. Yeah... you know.
All right.
Copy !req
409. All right, well...
Copy !req
410. I really am sorry,
though, just so you know.
Copy !req
411. Okay.
Copy !req
412. Okay, I get it,
it's okay.
Copy !req
413. You know what would be
really great, though?
Copy !req
414. If maybe you call me up,
you ask me for coffee,
Copy !req
415. we go out to dinner—
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
416. Something like that?
Yeah, we'll do that.
Copy !req
417. Okay, great.
Copy !req
418. Or we can just do this again
in five years.
Copy !req
419. Okay, man.
It's all right.
Copy !req
420. Okay.
All right, all right, okay.
Copy !req
421. How you been?
Good, man.
Copy !req
422. That's very nice
for you to ask.
Copy !req
423. Okay... okay?
All right, yeah.
Copy !req
424. All right.
Copy !req
425. Jesus.
That guy.
Copy !req
426. Jon Manfrellotti, folks.
Copy !req
427. The guy who wrote "Kumbaya,"
Mr. Jon Manfrellotti.
Copy !req
428. Oh, that's so sad.
Copy !req
429. Why sad?
Copy !req
430. Because he died.
Copy !req
431. No, he didn't.
Copy !req
432. He didn't die?
Copy !req
433. No, he's completely alive.
Copy !req
434. He's doing really well,
he writes for "Family Guy."
Copy !req
435. Phew.
Copy !req
436. Felt good being sad
for somebody.
Copy !req
437. Who else died?
Copy !req
438. Richard Nixon.
Copy !req
439. Aww.
Copy !req
440. Singing "Mack the Knife,"
you remember.
Copy !req
441. We also have the heavy metal
country western band
Copy !req
442. after that.
Copy !req
443. "Jed Zeppelin."
Copy !req
444. So, uh, please.
pace yourself.
Copy !req
445. Gonna be a
long, slow show.
Copy !req