Louie 3x6

1. Thank you.

2. May I join you?

3. Of course, please.

4. Robin. I'm Louie.

5. Yeah, I know. Oh, it's nice to meet you.

6. You too.

7. Can I have a cup of coffee?

8. So... you knew Barney?

9. Yeah, sure.

10. Were you close?

11. Um, well...

12. I, uh, I worked at the club.

13. Oh, the Laugh Circuit. Yeah.

14. And what did you— you were close to him?

15. Were you... I knew him.

16. Did you— were you—

17. was he a friend of yours or just...

18. He was my ex-wife's brother-in-law.

19. So... he was important to you.

20. I'm pretty sure that Barney

21. was the biggest piece of shit I ever knew.

22. Oh, yeah. He was to me.

23. I mean, he was the worst guy ever maybe.

24. Oh, yeah, I hated him. Right?

25. Yeah. You hated him?

26. Oh. Hated him.

27. A prick. He was a prick and an asshole.

28. Hated him. Oh...

29. All the comics hated him.

30. Serious? Yep.

31. He underpaid.

32. He bounced checks.

33. He, uh, lied.

34. Just mean.

35. You know, I knew that nobody would be there today.

36. Oh, God, yeah.

37. And I— like when he—

38. This is weird, 'cause when he died, I felt nothing.

39. Ditto. I didn't care.

40. But I knew...

41. when I pictured him going in the ground

42. and nobody's there, he's alone...

43. it gave me nightmares.

44. Me too.

45. I was married to his wife's sister.

46. I put money into that club.

47. You did? About a half-million dollars.

48. And on top of that, he stole another 100 grand from me.

49. Jesus, really? Oh, yeah.

50. And I couldn't go after him.

51. You know, what can I do?

52. He's family, so I had to... let it go.

53. And then here's the worst part.

54. He kept wanting to be pals with me, y'know, hang out.

55. He wouldn't let it go.

56. He bought a boat with the money he stole from me.

57. He kept wanting me to go out on the boat.

58. Out on the boat that he bought with money

59. he stole from you? Oh, yeah.

60. That's amazing.

61. You know, the thing about him is,

62. he wanted everybody to like him,

63. even when he was killing them. That was the thing with that guy.

64. He was like that with everybody.

65. I mean, he— he begged comics to hang out with him.

66. He'd mistreat us

67. but then after the show he'd go,

68. "Hey, uh, where are we going?

69. "Come on, let's hang out.

70. "Where do you want to go?

71. "Come on, fellas.

72. "Let's get in the limo.

73. Let's go to the strip club." The strip club.

74. The strip club. Right.

75. What was the name of the place by the Brooklyn-Battery Tunnel?

76. Sweet Charity. Sweet Charity.

77. Every time I came to town, he kept wanting me to go down there with him.

78. He'd go, "Hey, Robbie, you gotta come down

79. "and check out the tits on this new Chilean broad

80. down at Sweet Charity."

81. He begged everybody to go there.

82. Did you ever go there with him? No, not once.

83. Never? Never.

84. I never went there, either. No.

85. I don't know anybody who went to that club with him.

86. Not one time. No...

87. ( man ) Gentleman, for the next two minutes,

88. all lap dances are two for $20.

89. Right now, for your viewing pleasure,

90. on the main stage we have Amber Dambra

91. and Supa-Loosa.

92. Let's get those dollars flying and those drinks flowing.

93. You want a dance?

94. Uh, no thank you.

95. You?

96. Oh, no, no thank you.

97. Thank you very much. ( sighing )

98. Want a double dance?

99. No thank you— thank you.

100. Yeah, thanks a lot. I'm good.

101. So you don't want a dance?

102. No. No, no.

103. We're— not so much— Then why are you here, then?

104. Well, uh...

105. We, uh, we...

106. A friend of ours, uh, uh, died.

107. Who died?

108. Just a guy that we knew who used to come here, so.

109. I've been working here for ten years.

110. Who was he?

111. Barney Ross.

112. Barney Ross?

113. Wait, I don't understand.

114. Barney Ross is dead.

115. Barney.

116. I'm sorry.

117. Come here.

118. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to interrupt

119. the festivities here at Sweet Charity for a moment

120. but we need to pay tribute right now

121. to a man...

122. quite frankly, we all loved...

123. who had passed away.

124. A good man, a generous man.

125. Barney Ross.

126. Barney...

127. this one's for you, buddy.

128. Oh.

129. Hey, man, it was nice to meet you.

130. Same. See ya.

131. Hey, can you do me a favor? Yeah.

132. If...

133. Oh, I'll go to yours. Yeah.

134. Will you... Whoever dies first.

135. Okay, good.

136. Take care, pal. Good to see ya, take care.

137. Come on, baby.

138. Are we gonna go get Jane now?

139. No, she's with your mom today. Good.

140. I want an alone day with you. Oh, nice.

141. Me too. What do you want to do?

142. You want to get something to eat? I don't know.

143. Hang out?

144. Whatever you want— Louie...

145. I wonder if I could ask you for a favor.

146. Sure, what's up?

147. I have an emergency situation and I need—

148. I'm wondering if you could watch Never for me,

149. maybe bring him home for a play date

150. and I can pick him up later.

151. Sure, you have an emergency?

152. What's wrong?

153. I'm having my vagina removed.

154. I'm sorry.

155. No, it's elective.

156. I've chosen to have it removed.

157. But I have a consultation

158. and they could only do it today.

159. Right.

160. I have to do it now to stay on schedule.

161. I want to get rid of my vagina before Easter.

162. Okay, so you need—

163. you need me to watch Never while you do that?

164. Yes, could you please?

165. I know we're not friends

166. but you're the only person at this school

167. that I feel I can confide in or trust.

168. ( Lilly ) Daddy? What?

169. What? Daddy, I don't want a play date with Never.

170. Baby, don't do that.

171. Her mother needs our help.

172. But, Daddy! No, no— shh.

173. I'm sorry.

174. Okay, so you need me to watch Never

175. and then you go and...

176. Yes! Okay.

177. That's— we'll be happy to have him

178. and just call me after your thing.

179. Thank you. Sure.

180. Oh, also, I need you to know

181. that I don't say "no" to him.

182. And he can't eat anything with carbon in it.

183. Carbon?

184. It's all from China.

185. Right.

186. Do you have any food at your house?

187. Yeah, yeah, we got plenty of food.

188. We'll, uh...

189. Daddy? Baby, come here.

190. Look. Daddy, I really don't want to play with him.

191. I know, but his mom needs our help.

192. Holy shit! Run, run!

193. Get out of here! Move, move!

194. Get out of here!

195. All right, gang.

196. So what do we want to do?

197. We wanna... ( door slamming )

198. You hungry?

199. Okay, come on.

200. Carbon.

201. Listen, um, Never,

202. your mom told me that you can't eat anything

203. that has carbon in it.

204. And I— I, frankly, I don't know what that means.

205. So I'm going to need some guidance from you, okay?

206. Okay.

207. Let's see.

208. How about... a peanut butter sandwich?

209. I can't have that.

210. Is it the peanuts or the bread or what's the...

211. I can't.

212. My mom says I'll die.

213. That's pretty serious.

214. Do you have an allergy?

215. She says I'll die.

216. Okay.

217. How about some eggs?

218. I'll make you some eggs.

219. Carrots? I hate carrots.

220. You want an apple? I'll die.

221. All right, listen, Never.

222. I know your mom says these things to you— That.

223. I can have that.

224. A burger.

225. Want me to make you a burger?

226. I can't have it cooked.

227. Just the meat.

228. You want to eat it raw? In a bowl.

229. I have that a lot— I like it.

230. You want me to give you raw meat in a bowl?

231. Your mother gives you that? Yes.

232. All right, you got it, killer.

233. Oh, sorry.

234. Hello?

235. Hey, Louie, it's Doug.

236. Hey, Doug.

237. Hey, can you do a radio interview in a few minutes?

238. Uh, what for?

239. Um, you're playing Kansas City in two weeks

240. and ticket sales are a little soft.

241. Oh, man, I told you not to book me in Kansas City.

242. I— I— They hate me there.

243. I got you a live interview on a major market station

244. which should really help.

245. You want me to— you want me to do radio right now?

246. It's not even drive time.

247. Doesn't matter, the economy's really bad in KC.

248. Nobody's at work anyway.

249. The radio ratings have been much higher in the afternoons.

250. Yeah, but, Doug, I hate doing radio shows.

251. There's always some idiot and his idiot friend.

252. I know, I know, but spend ten minutes

253. with these guys and you'll make

254. way more money next week. It's worth it.

255. Can we just book me in, like, a...

256. a city where people want to see me

257. without having to listen to some high-energy—

258. Hey, I'm just telling you the economics of the situation.

259. I don't want you to go to Kansas City

260. and not make any money.

261. Okay. All right, I'll do it.

262. I'm having them call you in 15 minutes.

263. Okay.

264. All right, talk to you later.

265. Bye.

266. These guys, it's crazy.

267. Never?

268. Did you just throw my rug out the window?

269. So?

270. Hey, that's my rug!

271. Hey, that's— that's my rug!

272. Listen, I have an important phone call to make

273. so I need something that you can do while I'm doing that.

274. Can I play with Lilly?

275. She's not into it.

276. You want to watch some TV?

277. My mom doesn't allow it.

278. Okay, but you're not with your mom.

279. You're with me and I say it's okay. It's not appropriate.

280. All right, well, what do you want to do?

281. Can you give me a bath?

282. You want to take a bath?

283. I want you to give me a bath and wash me.

284. That's not gonna happen. Why?

285. Because that's not appropriate.

286. Why?

287. Look, you can take a bath

288. but you got to do it by yourself, okay?

289. Okay.

290. All right, come on.

291. Okay.

292. All right, Never, I'm gonna leave you to it.

293. And I'm gonna ask you that you just

294. don't wreck anything.

295. If you could just sit peaceful in this tub

296. while I'm on the phone.

297. All right, look, if you can keep it cool

298. while I'm on the phone,

299. I'll give you another bowl of meat, okay?

300. Okay. All right.

301. Good luck. ( cell phone ringing )

302. Oh, there's my call.

303. Hello?

304. ( man ) Hi, is this Louie?

305. Yeah.

306. I'm Jeff, I produce the show.

307. We're gonna have you on the air in one minute, okay?

308. Okay.

309. Okay, you'll be on with Tracer, Pig

310. and The Hole is Diane.

311. The Hole?

312. You're gonna hear some music right now

313. and then you'll be on with the guys.

314. Just sit tight, thanks. Okay, thank you.

315. ( man ) That's better, Di!

316. Coming down, Chow Down!

317. ( man ) That's what the back says!

318. ( woman ) Don't! It's the "MamaJamJamSound."

319. We've got Louis CK on the line.

320. Hi.

321. All right. Hi, Louie.

322. Hi.

323. Hey, thanks for coming on "Chow Down."

324. We've gotta take time.

325. Take time.

326. Well, thank you for having me.

327. Louie CK is all-time funny-funny.

328. Ah, he's funny.

329. And just "jammy" he's going to be at

330. the Stanford and Son Comedy Club

331. next week, from Thursday through Saturday night.

332. You can get tickets by going to StanfordsComedyClub.com.

333. That's right.

334. So, Louie, hey, what do you think of the whole

335. "clammy down chow" thing

336. going down at the "rowdy down"?

337. I wouldn't want to be that guy, you know, he sounds like

338. he's in a lot of trouble.

339. Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God!

340. That's a "cramadiga."

341. Ah, Pig, shut up!

342. Wow, that's a "cramalaco."

343. Aye-ya-ya!

344. And what about the guy on the cover of the "Cham Dow"?

345. He might be a little chatty.

346. Ah, well, you know, maybe, right?

347. Ha-ha.

348. Louie CK. Ah, that's so bad.

349. Louie CK is going to be at the Stanford and Sons Comedy Club

350. Thursday through Saturday night.

351. Get your tickets now at StanfordsComedyClub.com.

352. Louie! Yeah?

353. You ever go to "Dime-A-Dime Penny"?

354. Yeah, sure, I'm a single guy— why not?

355. Whoa! Don't!

356. There goes a loud "shebang."

357. I might wear a couple condoms, though. Oh!

358. Louie CK, a dirty, dirty guy.

359. Louie, hey, what do you think

360. of the "bat-a-bomb" about Kansas City?

361. Oh, Kansas City.

362. Well, I've been going there to work the clubs

363. for the last ten years or so...

364. Uh-huh.

365. and I'd have to say Kansas City

366. is the worst town I've ever been in.

367. I mean, what a dump, right?

368. It's got to be the worst city in North America.

369. And that includes Mexico and Canada.

370. Hello?

371. Okay, Louie CK, hey, thanks for coming on the air.

372. Oh, okay, uh...

373. Hello? ( Lilly ) Daddy!

374. Daddy, something smells really bad coming from the bathroom.

375. Oh, no.

376. Jesus!

377. Damn it.

378. Never, what...

379. What is that?

380. Oh.

381. Oh, my God.

382. I "diarrheaed" in the tub.

383. ( Lilly ) Oh, my God!

384. Daddy, ew!

385. Okay, go, go, get— get out of here!

386. ( Lilly ) That is so gross.

387. I "diarrheaed." Uh-huh.

388. Okay, uh.

389. Uh, okay, we're gonna...

390. You're gonna...

391. Um, I'm gonna drain the tub.

392. Okay, you're gonna step out.

393. I'm gonna lay this down, okay?

394. Here's what we're gonna do...

395. Listen, Never, I don't— I don't know what your deal is.

396. I know it's just you and your mom.

397. I just want to—

398. I just want to say that if you ever need to

399. talk about anything,

400. you know we see each other in school,

401. so if you need to, you can talk to me.

402. Talk about what?

403. Well, you know, that's up to you.

404. It doesn't matter.

405. If you think of something you need to talk about—

406. You might not. I'm just saying.

407. You can talk to me.

408. Lilly doesn't like me.

409. Nope.

410. No, she does not. Why?

411. Because you eat raw meat and you shit in the tub

412. and you wreck everything.

413. And as long as you act like that,

414. no one's going to like you.

415. No one's going to want to be around you.

416. My mom says that any choice I make is okay

417. because I love myself.

418. Your...

419. your mom is wrong.

420. I'm gonna tell her you said that.

421. That's okay, you tell her.

422. I'll take the heat.

423. Oh, that's her, come on.

424. I told you before, man, I don't—

425. I don't understand African.

426. Look, I don't understand what the hell you're talking about.

427. If you want to talk to me,

428. talk to me with useful stuff, okay?

429. Oops, I farted. Okay?

430. See how cool that is?

431. All right, all right, all right?

432. This dude right here is being buried in an IKEA shelf.

433. Look at this dude, man— you kidding me?

434. Since you don't understand what the hell I'm talking about,

435. I gotta go to the adult learning center

436. to learn African so I can come back to work

437. and be able to tell you that

438. I don't want to hear that African shit.

439. I hate you.