Louie 3x5

1. But I date now, and I went on a date,

2. and I get nervous when I date, I get very nervous.

3. I went on this date

4. and we went out to dinner and all these things

5. and then I took her home and she went inside

6. and then I farted for the rest of my life.

7. I just...

8. farted for the rest of my life,

9. as soon as she was inside.

10. Young gorgeous women must have the hardest time

11. and a lot of people think they have advantages,

12. like, oh, if you're a pretty girl, hey, you know, it's easy.

13. People buy you drinks.

14. Oh, wow, boy.

15. What is that, a $16 savings every week?

16. Free drinks.

17. It must be so much pressure to be,

18. like, a really cute young girl.

19. First of all, you're smaller than most people,

20. you're adults,

21. and you're walking around and there's just massive men,

22. like, three times your size and they just—

23. Every single—

24. That's a lot to take on.

25. Someone else's cum fantasy.

26. Like, you— he just looks at you

27. and you just feel, just, buckets of cum hit you on the face.

28. Hey, hi.

29. Hi. Hey.

30. What do you want to do? Uh, I don't care.

31. I know a good bar, is that cool? That's— Yeah, sure.

32. Good night, Seymour.

33. My name's Roger.

34. What do you want to drink?

35. Uh, drink...

36. Uh, beer.

37. Can I have a beer and two Jagers?

38. Honey, I'm not gonna serve you two Jagers.

39. What?

40. Not after the last time you were here.

41. I'm not gonna start you off two-fisted with Jager.

42. I'm sorry.

43. How about a white wine?

44. Where are you— You okay?

45. What...

46. What happened?

47. It's too crowded in there.

48. Yes, thank God.

49. I hate when it—

50. Places like that, when they're all crowded.

51. Hey, let's not go to a bar.

52. Do you need to have a drink?

53. I don't want to.

54. Do you? I'm fine with whatever.

55. Can we walk? Sure.

56. Let's just walk! Okay.

57. My favorite part of New York

58. is that you can just walk and walk

59. and you'll never run out of city.

60. Yeah, I love walking in New York, I love it.

61. You do? Yeah, sure.

62. Are you just saying that because you're on a date

63. you wanna agree with me? Totally, I hate walking.

64. See? Don't do that.

65. Just tell me the truth.

66. I like to disagree.

67. Okay, well, then can we get in a cab or go—

68. No!

69. I'm gonna make you walk. Why, 'cause I'm fat?

70. Yes.

71. You're fat.

72. And I have no tits.

73. Let's be honest.

74. It's the only way I'll continue this date with you.

75. Okay.

76. You're just gonna have to keep up with me

77. because I reveal myself very quickly to people.

78. I had a carcinoma when I was 14, I was supposed to die.

79. You were supposed to die? Yes!

80. Did somebody say it to you like that? Someone— Yes!

81. They said it like that? Someone actually said that to me.

82. So you— They said it like that?

83. I was in school, my parents got a call from the doctors

84. telling them the diagnosis.

85. My mom...

86. lost her mind, she came into the school to just pull me out.

87. I was walking from home economics

88. to science class to see my mom standing in the school office,

89. she's crying.

90. My father's sitting next to her, he's not mad at her

91. and then this girl, this really mean girl named Mandy Stewart,

92. she sees me, she comes up to me and she says,

93. "Your mom is here because you're supposed to die or something."

94. Oh, my God.

95. It doesn't sound like your mom handled that

96. in the best possible way,

97. from a parenting point of view.

98. Y'know, beating that disease wore me down to 70 pounds.

99. I had no hair, my teeth fell out,

100. I was wearing dentures by the time I was 15.

101. But the hardest part of it was my mom,

102. dealing with my poor mom and getting her through it.

103. I mean, I'd be...

104. puking and she'd be kneeling next to me

105. on the bathroom floor, sobbing.

106. I mean, I'm literally puking chemo vomit into a toilet

107. and patting my poor mother on the back,

108. trying to comfort her.

109. I'm sorry I told you.

110. I tell everything.

111. I'm just glad that you're okay.

112. Can we go to this vintage store? All right.

113. So when I got healthy again, I couldn't be in school.

114. And when you go to hell and back

115. and you literally see death

116. come right into your face like this

117. and it turns you into a little gray skeleton—

118. I had one picture of me from back then—

119. I made my dad take it.

120. I look like a 90-year-old woman.

121. And then death, you know, backs away into the mist

122. and...

123. all the sudden, my body's accepting nutrients

124. and within a month, I'm a healthy 15-year-old girl

125. with a cool punky haircut.

126. I mean, can you imagine?

127. No, I can't.

128. How do you sit and learn algebra in a classroom, you know?

129. Why?

130. I never went back.

131. What did you do? Oh, my God.

132. Look at this.

133. Will you try this on?

134. No.

135. Please.

136. Are you being serious right now? Come on.

137. Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...

138. Come on!

139. Try it on.

140. No.

141. And... why?

142. I don't know.

143. I really don't.

144. I've never asked a guy to do anything like this.

145. I— Maybe it's a test.

146. A test? Yes.

147. Do you like me?

148. Yeah, I like you.

149. Well, what do you want to do?

150. Do you want to say a list of things

151. you think might impress me

152. or do you want to try this on and make me really like you,

153. just for having the guts?

154. Plus, I think it'll look pretty on you.

155. Hey.

156. I'm not making fun of you, I promise.

157. Come on.

158. I mean, this is kind of sexy, isn't it?

159. Come on, try it on.

160. Grow some guts.

161. I'm gonna stand right here and watch you.

162. Look...

163. I don't— I don't care, I'll try it on.

164. I'll do it.

165. Okay, step in.

166. Okay, turn around.

167. Okay, turn around.

168. Uh-huh. ( laughing )

169. Okay, okay.

170. Okay, okay, congratulations.

171. No, no, no.

172. Congratulations to you.

173. Because you are officially great.

174. I'll wait for you outside.

175. Are you hungry?

176. Yeah, very. Hey, let's not eat.

177. Stay hungry, it'll sharpen your brain.

178. All right.

179. Can I ask you a question?

180. You— What?

181. What is your name?

182. Oh, my God, we never did that.

183. My name is Louie, hi.

184. Louie.

185. Louie, Louie. Yeah, that's right.

186. Okay.

187. What's your name?

188. Tape Recorder.

189. What?

190. My name is Tape Recorder.

191. My parents were fighting about what to call me

192. and when I was born, they still hadn't decided.

193. They just started calling me that

194. as something to refer to me by

195. until they could think— think of a better name.

196. They just never did.

197. Why— why "Tape Recorder"?

198. I guess it was sitting on my dad's desk...

199. and they were fighting

200. and he just pointed at it and said,

201. "We'll call her that for now!"

202. So that's my name.

203. Wow, that is— that's— that's crazy.

204. That's— Tape Recorder?

205. That's me.

206. I mean, do people call you "Tape," or...

207. Is your name really Tape Recorder?

208. Shit.

209. Man. Wow.

210. You'll believe anything. Why did you do that?

211. I didn't do anything.

212. I made a joke and you totally took it seriously.

213. Wow.

214. I gotta be careful with you.

215. Come on, Tape Recorder,

216. let's go get something to eat. Okay.

217. I know where to feed you.

218. What is this?

219. Is this good? Hi.

220. This is amazing.

221. How are you?

222. Hi.

223. We're gonna try everything that is your best.

224. Two of these Holland herring.

225. Listen.

226. Oh, my God.

227. Oh, my God!

228. Mmm, mmm.

229. Look at that, like space food.

230. It looks like outer space.

231. Oh, my God.

232. Oh, Jesus.

233. Best thing I ever ate. Mm-hmm.

234. Best thing I ever ate.

235. Mmm, mmm.

236. Give me that. No.

237. Give me your... ( laughing )

238. This is so goddamn good.

239. I can't believe I've never been to that place before.

240. Now aren't you glad now that you never did?

241. Yeah, I am.

242. Have you ever been to North Dakota? No.

243. Neither have I, but I want to go to North Dakota

244. more than anything in the world.

245. So why don't you go?

246. I'll never go, I just want to.

247. I want to keep desiring it.

248. I love to pine for North Dakota.

249. I don't want to give that up by going there.

250. Why did you do that?

251. Just...

252. a more humane version of throwing it in the garbage.

253. 'Cause you want to help him?

254. Yeah.

255. Then let's do it, let's help him. What...

256. Come on, yeah. Wait a minute.

257. I don't think a pickle's gonna do it, though. I gave him a sandwich.

258. Hi, hi. Oh, Jesus.

259. Hey, honey, how are ya?

260. Why are you sleeping out here?

261. It's cold out here.

262. ( whispering ) Snakes.

263. Snakes?

264. Snakes.

265. Why did snakes make you be here?

266. Why?

267. They crawl on my legs.

268. And the little ones crawl on my hands.

269. And the human services lady

270. in Brooklyn got me that— I had that job

271. and then they gave me these.

272. And I know the snakes aren't real,

273. but I see 'em, and I get scared and I start

274. screaming and I cut my hands 'cause they're on my hands,

275. but if take those, they go away.

276. And then I lost my job,

277. I can't get 'em anymore and the snakes come back

278. and I just can't be around people.

279. Are these expensive?

280. Yeah, $30 for one pill.

281. Are you seeing snakes right now?

282. There's a snake on my face?

283. They're not real.

284. There's no snake.

285. It's fine, you know, there's no snake.

286. I'm just saying, there's no snake in—

287. Okay, come on, buddy.

288. Got it.

289. Where are we— where are we going?

290. Just come on. Where are we going?

291. Come on, come on. Come on, what are you—

292. What are you doing, what are you doing, what are you doing? This is always open.

293. What are you doing? Come on!

294. We can't just go in a building.

295. Hey, come on.

296. Okay, look... you have to pace yourself.

297. It's a long way up, but I swear to God, it's worth it.

298. Boy, what are we... Just breathe.

299. One step at a time, okay?

300. How many stories is it? I'm not telling you.

301. If I told you, you wouldn't do it.

302. That's— I'm not— I'm not doing this.

303. Yes, you are.

304. Look, I'm 44 and I don't exercise, okay?

305. I have clogged arteries.

306. Oh, wah, wah, wah. Yeah, wah, wah, wah.

307. That's what I'm— That's what I'm saying.

308. Let's do another thing, come on. No, Louie.

309. You— you put on a dress tonight

310. and you saved a man's life

311. and you are going to do this.

312. Okay.

313. Come on!

314. One steps, two steps, breathe.

315. Okay, breathing.

316. One step... Ohh...

317. Two steps. Two steps.

318. I'm fat. Breathe.

319. I'm fat. No, you're not.

320. Going up stairs. Two steps.

321. I'm going to die... Breathe, breathe.

322. by going up some stairs. One step...

323. Oh, goddamn it, this is crazy.

324. Come on, come on.

325. We're not stopping now.

326. Step, breathe.

327. Step, breathe.

328. Step, breathe.

329. Step, breathe.

330. Ahh! Come on!

331. I gotta— Just a second.

332. No!

333. No, no, no— big mistake.

334. You gotta keep going. I can't— I'm not doing this.

335. I can't do this, I'm— Do it!

336. Do it!

337. Get up, now!

338. I mean it! You got it, kid.

339. Okay, we're going. Step, breathe!

340. All right, sport, let's really do this. Step, breathe.

341. Okay. Good.

342. Okay.

343. Louie, we made it.

344. Look where we are.

345. Oh, my God. It's worth it, right?

346. Not really.

347. Wow.

348. Oh...

349. Oh, that's not—

350. Hey, can you please not sit there and come over here?

351. But this is the best part.

352. Please don't— No, no, no, no. Come on!

353. No, no, no, please come away from there.

354. Please just— please just come away from there.

355. You can see everything from over here. No, no, no, no, no.

356. Please don't sit like that, don't— don't—

357. Please don't, please— please—

358. That's— Why?

359. What are you afraid of? Can you just come—

360. Come on. No, please, that's too close.

361. No, no, no, please don't do that, please don't do that. Come on!

362. Please come away from there.

363. That's really upsetting me right now,

364. I swear to God— no, no, no, please don't, please don't.

365. Do you know why you're scared?

366. Yeah, because falling and it's high, so you'll die.

367. Please come to where you can't fall.

368. I don't want you to fall.

369. I want you to come where it's impossible

370. that falling can happen.

371. But the only way I'd fall is if I jumped.

372. That's why you're afraid to come over here.

373. Because a tiny part of you wants to jump

374. because it would be so easy.

375. But I don't want to jump.

376. So I'm not afraid.

377. I would never do that.

378. I'm having too good of a time.

379. Let's go home, okay? Okay.

380. My name is Liz.