1. ( Louie )
It's very different raising
children in America.
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2. We get to make all
these weird decisions about
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3. what do we expose our kids
to when.
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4. Other countries,
they don't have a choice.
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5. Like, some parents at my kids'
school were talking about war
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6. and they're, like, "When do
we tell our kid—
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7. "Do we tell our children
that our country is at war
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8. "in Afghanistan
and these places?
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9. When do we introduce this i—"
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10. Only in America,
we have this luxury,
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11. we get to decide when
they find out
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12. that there is—
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13. Kids in Afghanistan
don't have— just—
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14. They find out.
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15. They find out.
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16. They find out
when they ask,
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17. "How come Uncle Henry's head
is gone now?
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18. "How come that happened?
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19. Oh, 'cause of the war."
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20. Life can be stressful here,
though,
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21. 'cause life is good
and so we want it to be better
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22. and we get— we try to perfect
everything in our lives
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23. and it's like a job.
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24. Being a consumer
is like a job.
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25. You have to make sure
you get the best one.
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26. If you get a Blu-ray player,
you gotta do research.
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27. You gotta look at
reviews of a player.
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28. You gotta go on Amazon and read
a really long review
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29. written by an insane person
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30. who's been dead
for months...
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31. because he shot
his wife
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32. and then himself
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33. after explaining to you
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34. that the remote is
counterintuitive.
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35. "It's got really small buttons
on the remote,"
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36. he said...
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37. before he murder-suicided
his whole family.
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38. And now you're
reading it and going,
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39. "I don't know.
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40. "I don't know which one to get,
I don't know.
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41. I gotta get the best one."
Why?
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42. Who are you,
the king of Siam,
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43. that you should get
the best one ever?
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44. "I'm— Bring me
the best DV..."
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45. Who cares?
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46. They're all the same,
these machines.
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47. They're all made from
the same Asian suffering.
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48. There's no difference.
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49. That was a good set.
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50. I guess, I don't...
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51. ( man )
a round of applause...
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52. Hey, Ross.
Hey, how's it going,
guys?
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53. Hey.
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54. This is my agent, Doug.
Hey, how's it going?
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55. Hey, Louie, great job.
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56. Thank you.
It was great.
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57. The order is terrific.
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58. I mean, the closing bit,
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59. Jay's gonna love
tomorrow night on the show.
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60. Oh, good.
It was just terrific.
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61. I'm sorry— Louie,
great set, great set.
Hey, Bud, how are you?
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62. Thank you very much,
thank you.
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63. Um, but the great thing
is, also, it timed in at
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64. four minutes and 30 seconds,
which is the perfect
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65. amount of—
perfect amount of time.
Good.
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66. I mean, with the audience
reaction and everything else,
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67. it's just, for our studio,
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68. it's gonna be the time
that we're looking for.
That's great.
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69. Good, good, good.
So...
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70. Is Louie gonna
interview on panel?
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71. Tomorrow night,
Tom Cruise is the other guest
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72. and Tom loves to go long,
tells great stories
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73. and Jay's surprising him
tomorrow with a motorcycle.
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74. I'm gonna get bumped,
right?
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75. You're not gonna
get bumped, Louie.
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76. You're not going to
get bumped.
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77. Sounds like I'm—
Nah.
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78. You know what, I'll—
I'll see you tomorrow night.
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79. But thank you.
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80. Thanks, guys,
I'll see you tomorrow.
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81. Okay, thanks, Ross,
thanks for coming.
Okay, okay.
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82. Okay, good.
Okay.
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83. I'm totally getting
bumped.
Yeah.
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84. I'm getting—
Sounds like—
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85. It's like they brought me
here to bump me,
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86. all the way...
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87. Getting bumped is not
that bad, Louie.
How is it not that bad?
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88. 'Cause they advertise
your name,
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89. you still get paid
and then they have you back on.
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90. Just...
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91. Okay, thank you,
thanks, Doug.
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92. Amazing, this face work.
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93. Look at this.
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94. Look at "before"...
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95. and look at "after."
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96. Boy, just,
you know, I think...
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97. You know the real
trick here?
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98. I think the real trick here
is, don't be pissed off.
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99. You look better.
( sighing )
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100. I'm here to
mic you.
( Louie )
Sure.
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101. Just turn around for me.
Oh, sorry.
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102. ( Jay )
some of that delicious
Velveeta juice.
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103. Yeah!
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104. Folks, we'll be right back
with Tom Cruise
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105. right after this.
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106. Okay, where's your jacket?
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107. I don't have—
This is what I'm wearing.
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108. Oh.
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109. You're all set then.
Okay.
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110. Hey, what's going on?
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111. I got some
really bad news.
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112. You're bumping me.
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113. Shit, I knew this.
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114. No, not exactly,
I'm not bumping you.
You're not?
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115. What's—
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116. Ross, you tell him?
I haven't told him yet.
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117. Louie, are you ready?
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118. Tom Cruise
is not coming tonight.
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119. What do you mean,
he's not coming?
So...
No, he's not coming.
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120. He hates surprises
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121. and the whole motorcycle
thing, he just— he just—
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122. It doesn't matter
why he canceled,
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123. he's not coming, okay?
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124. He's not here,
you are.
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125. You're on
lead guest, okay?
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126. We need you to lead off
the show.
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127. Now?
Yes, now.
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128. Okay.
I can do some
questions for him.
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129. I could
give him stories.
We don't have time to
analyze this.
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130. You're a comic,
you know how to talk.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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131. All right, here's your
chance, all right.
All right.
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132. You ever flown on
an airplane?
Yeah, sure.
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133. You got airplane stories?
I can do a—
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134. All right,
tell an airplane story.
Okay, that's fine.
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135. You all right, you good?
Yeah, I'm ready.
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136. All right, good,
see you out there.
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137. Okay, thanks.
Come on, let's go,
let's go.
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138. You're on!
Okay, okay, okay.
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139. Right now?
Okay, all right.
Yeah, now!
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140. Hey, everybody,
welcome back.
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141. Now, folks, as I...
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142. as I told you, we had Tom Cruise
booked on the show tonight,
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143. but...
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144. Well— Yes, yes.
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145. Well... this is...
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146. this is live television
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147. and sometimes things
happen in live television,
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148. and... Tom Cruise
is not here.
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149. All right, all right,
I don't know why.
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150. Okay, Louie, listen,
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151. you're going immediately
to your right, okay?
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152. And as soon
as you get to your right,
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153. Jay will greet you,
got it?
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154. Okay.
Are you listening to me?
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155. get here—
I don't know what it was.
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156. Anyway, we have to do a show
and I already did my jokes,
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157. so what I'm gonna do
is bring out the comic
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158. who was gonna close the show
tonight.
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159. We're gonna give him a shot,
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160. he's gonna be my very first
guest tonight.
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161. He's a very funny man,
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162. he'll be at
the Comedy Cellar in New York.
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163. Go out there
and go get 'em.
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164. Okay?
( coughing )
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165. ( Jay )
Louie C.K., Louie!
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166. Don't swear!
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167. Good to see you.
Hey, how are you?
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168. Have a seat.
Uh... thanks.
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169. Hello?
( cell phone ringing )
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170. ( woman )
Sir, this is housekeeping.
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171. What?
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172. You have a "do not disturb"
sign on your door.
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173. When do you want us
to clean your room?
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174. I have a "do not disturb"
sign on the door,
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175. that's the answer.
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176. Just don't do this
to me.
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177. When do you
want us to clean?
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178. What's the point of the sign
if you don't...
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179. What...
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180. This is the opposite
of what it says.
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181. You understand that?
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182. When do you want us
to clean?
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183. Just don't ever clean it
here ever again.
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184. I don't know.
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185. Oh...
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186. Shit on a dick.
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187. Oh... shit.
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188. Bitch.
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189. Damn.
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190. Wow.
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191. What the hell?
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192. Hey, Doug.
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193. Louie, Jesus, I've been
trying to reach you.
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194. What— what is this—
What's wrong?
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195. Did you see that
you went viral today?
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196. I'm what?
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197. Your set from last night,
it...
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198. You got a million
hits already online.
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199. It was huge.
Wow.
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200. Listen, you have a meeting
at CBS in one hour.
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201. I have— What?
At a what?
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202. The who?
What?
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203. You have a meeting at
CBS in one hour.
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204. Doug, I didn't tell you
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205. to set any meetings
for me today.
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206. What the hell
is this about?
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207. I don't know,
they called me.
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208. You have a meeting with
the chairman, president,
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209. whatever, of CBS
in one hour.
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210. Please, get up,
get dressed and meet me there.
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211. They're sending a car
for you.
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212. Okay, I got it.
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213. ( cell phone beeping )
Shit.
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214. There's not even time to
jerk off, for Christ's sakes.
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215. Who are we here
to see?
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216. Do you have any idea?
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217. They didn't tell you
the name of the guy?
I don't know, no.
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218. You didn't find out
who we're—
No, I have no idea.
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219. Excuse me,
can you please tell us
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220. who we're here
to see?
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221. Hello?
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222. Thank you,
I'll tell him.
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223. You can go in now.
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224. Louie.
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225. Come in.
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226. Hi.
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227. Sit down, sit down.
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228. So...
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229. you know who I am?
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230. Yes, I— yeah, I do.
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231. Oh, this is my agent,
Doug.
It's an honor to meet—
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232. You're in from New York.
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233. Yeah.
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234. Have you been there?
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235. I'm from the Bronx.
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236. Oh, yeah, the Bronx?
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237. I— I— I haven't spent—
I haven't spent much—
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238. Whatever.
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239. You were very funny last night
on "The Tonight Show."
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240. Oh, thank you.
Very funny.
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241. Must have been under
a lot of pressure, too.
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242. Yeah, I didn't have much time
to think about it.
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243. What I'm about to tell you,
nobody knows,
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244. but it has the potential
to change your whole life.
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245. Okay.
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246. It's privileged information.
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247. Cannot leave this room.
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248. Send Charlie in,
uh, please.
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249. Carnegie Deli.
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250. I used to go there when I was
starting out in New York.
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251. Is that the thing I'm not
supposed to tell anybody?
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252. No.
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253. This is Charlie
from our legal department.
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254. What is this?
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255. These are confidentiality
agreements.
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256. You're signing
a document that states
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257. if you repeat anything
that is told to you
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258. by the chairman of the
Columbia Broadcasting System,
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259. you will be subject to penalties
and litigation.
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260. Okay.
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261. I don't— I don't know
if I want to sign this.
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262. Then leave the room!
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263. Thank you.
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264. I'm the chairman.
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265. There won't be somebody else
here next month.
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266. I'll be here.
Yes, sir.
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267. David Letterman
is retiring.
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268. This is his last
year on "The Late Show."
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269. David Letterman's been
at CBS for 20 years.
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270. It's over.
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271. I have to replace him.
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272. I brought you here
to ask you
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273. if you'd be
interested in the job.
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274. No.
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275. No?
What...
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276. Why not?
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277. Well, that...
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278. I mean, that's crazy.
I'm not that guy.
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279. I'm 44 and I'm—
I mean, he's...
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280. You should get Jerry Seinfeld
or somebody, right?
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281. Oh, we're getting
Jerry Seinfeld.
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282. You are?
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283. You misunderstood me,
son.
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284. I'm not
offering you the job,
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285. I'm asking if you're
interested in it.
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286. Uh...
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287. We're negotiating
with Jerry Seinfeld.
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288. I'm looking for
an option.
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289. An option?
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290. Here, let me lay it out
for you.
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291. Jerry Seinfeld
is a slam dunk,
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292. but he's a $12 million
slam dunk at best.
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293. You, I could
get for a million,
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294. a little less, maybe.
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295. So.
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296. You're thinking.
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297. I see the wheels
turning.
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298. Tell— tell me, what?
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299. Well, I just never
saw this—
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300. I didn't
see this coming.
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301. I don't know—
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302. I don't know how much
you know about me.
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303. I know you're
a working-class standup
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304. from Boston.
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305. You do standup,
you make, maybe,
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306. $80,000 a year on
the club dates,
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307. but you're on
the back nine of your career.
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308. Except for, once in a while,
a special on cable,
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309. I think you—
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310. Five years ago,
you probably peaked
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311. and now you're waiting around
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312. wondering if
something's gonna happen
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313. before it gets
embarrassing.
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314. Am I right?
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315. You don't think
you can do it.
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316. You think it's over
and you're afraid to try.
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317. I mean, I get it,
that's normal.
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318. I've seen it.
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319. And I've seen it
turn around.
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320. Let me offer
you a proposal.
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321. You go back to
New York.
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322. You get in shape.
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323. You lose about
40 pounds.
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324. I get you with Jackie Dahl,
he's my main city man.
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325. He works with you
and then, in about two months,
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326. we do a test show.
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327. A test show?
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328. Jack'll get you
a small studio.
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329. You know, you'll do
a monologue,
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330. you'll do
a couple of interviews
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331. and if the test
is good...
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332. I'll put you
on the air.
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333. And then if you're a hit,
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334. everybody'll think
I'm a genius
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335. and I'll have
saved the network
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336. about $12 million.
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337. If America
hates you...
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338. no one's gonna blame me.
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339. We'll hire Jerry Seinfeld
to do the show.
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340. No harm, no foul.
Copy !req
341. But you'll take
the heat on all that.
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342. You're gonna crack your head
on the ceiling
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343. and you're
gonna go down,
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344. probably for good.
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345. Look, Louie.
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346. We're talking about
the big game here,
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347. so forgive me
if I use big terms.
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348. Here's the reality.
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349. In ten years, you're
gonna be teaching comedy
Copy !req
350. at a community college
to support your kids
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351. and falling asleep to
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352. "The Late Show with
Jerry Seinfeld."
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353. You're circling failure...
Copy !req
354. in a rapidly
decaying orbit.
Copy !req
355. That's the reality,
as we talk now.
Copy !req
356. But you can change that.
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357. It's in your power
to change that.
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358. Yes, you'll
have to work hard,
Copy !req
359. you'll have to do things
you haven't done before
Copy !req
360. and still...
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361. your chances
are very slim.
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362. But you could
change it.
Copy !req
363. I'm gonna
ask you one more time.
Copy !req
364. David Letterman
is retiring.
Copy !req
365. Do you want his job?
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