1. One time I was jerking off—Copy !req
2. This is another—
this is another aging thing.Copy !req
3. I was jerking offCopy !req
4. and I looked at my penis
and it was blurryCopy !req
5. because my eyes... are going.Copy !req
6. So I can't—Copy !req
7. Because you're suppose to get
reading glasses when you—Copy !req
8. when this becomes blurryCopy !req
9. and that's exactly...Copy !req
10. That's the precise
fixed length.Copy !req
11. And so it's blurry now,Copy !req
12. so I gotta go
get reading glassesCopy !req
13. and I have to—Copy !req
14. Hmm...Copy !req
15. So I had to go to the drug store
and buy reading glasses...Copy !req
16. and I felt weird, like,Copy !req
17. "She knows I'm jerking off
with these."Copy !req
18. Like, she's just
looking at me like,Copy !req
19. "You ain't reading shit,
you dirty old..."Copy !req
20. Anyway, so I got
reading glassesCopy !req
21. and I looked at it
and it was still blurry.Copy !req
22. So I don't think
it's my eyes.Copy !req
23. I think my dick
is getting blurry.Copy !req
24. I think I've actually...Copy !req
25. But here's the good news—
I am getting olderCopy !req
26. but I also have more
money than I used to haveCopy !req
27. so I'm gonna get a new—
I'm gonna upgrade my dick.Copy !req
28. I'm gonna get a new dick.Copy !req
29. I'm amazed that I haven't
heard about that.Copy !req
30. Like, that rich old guys—Copy !req
31. Why aren't they
getting new dicks?Copy !req
32. 'Cause with the amount of money
poured into people's titsCopy !req
33. and their faces,Copy !req
34. how are old, rich,
asshole guys—Copy !req
35. "I'm getting a new one!"Copy !req
36. On the golf course, "Getting
my new dick on Wednesday."Copy !req
37. And it just— and I don't mean
like a synthetic kind ofCopy !req
38. transvestite kind of
pink pea pod Frankenstein...Copy !req
39. grafted-off-your-leg dick.Copy !req
40. I mean some dead kid's dick
on your body.Copy !req
41. Like a new...Copy !req
42. "Happy ending to a sad story"
on your body.Copy !req
43. 'Cause that's—
I wanna get on that list now.Copy !req
44. The next time someCopy !req
45. 22-year-old
Puerto Rican track star...Copy !req
46. gets hit by a bus,Copy !req
47. I get his
dick right here,Copy !req
48. his beautiful, shiny, brown dick
on my body, next to—Copy !req
49. 'Cause I'm keeping
the old one.Copy !req
50. I'm gonna have...Copy !req
51. I'm gonna have both
for awhile.Copy !req
52. Like when they had— they were
building the new Yankee StadiumCopy !req
53. and the old one was still there,Copy !req
54. that's gonna be
what this is like.Copy !req
55. I can't...Copy !req
56. "Parking of vehicles
only authorized."
I mean...Copy !req
57. Only author—Copy !req
58. Okay, "Parking permitted
anytime after midnight."Copy !req
59. Yeah, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Is it after midnight
right now or is it before?Copy !req
60. It's before midnight
right now.Copy !req
61. Yeah, but it's
also after.Copy !req
62. I gotta go, I gotta...Copy !req
63. Hi.
Hey, hi.Copy !req
64. Hi.
Hi.Copy !req
65. Uh, nightmare.Copy !req
66. Yeah?
Yeah, total nightmare.Copy !req
67. Just everybody screaming
at each otherCopy !req
68. and nobody listening to me.Copy !req
69. The meeting goes on for two
hours— nothing gets done.Copy !req
70. And then that cooz Lisa
started her shit with me again.Copy !req
71. Shit, really?
Yeah.Copy !req
72. Oh, God!
She was just stupid.Copy !req
73. I'd like her but she's
faking it to make me sweat.Copy !req
74. You should just
quit that job.Copy !req
75. What kind of a thing
is that to say to me?Copy !req
76. Sorry.Copy !req
77. Say that to me,
I should quit my job.Copy !req
78. You should quit
your job.
I like my job.Copy !req
79. Anyway, I'm having lunch
with George tomorrowCopy !req
80. and even though I hate to use
my connection with him for...Copy !req
81. Thank you.Copy !req
82. Did you already eat?
Is this dessert?Copy !req
83. No, no...Copy !req
84. Never mind.Copy !req
85. Let's not have
the food talk.Copy !req
86. So you have the kids
this weekend?Copy !req
87. No, they're with Janet.Copy !req
88. Shows?Copy !req
89. Just a couple
at the Cellar.Copy !req
90. All right, well, let's get
together during the day.Copy !req
91. Sure.Copy !req
92. Okay, what is up?Copy !req
93. Nothing.
You look weird.Copy !req
94. We'll hang out—
we'll hang out during the day.Copy !req
95. That's fine.Copy !req
96. Okay, Louie,
if you're gonna sit thereCopy !req
97. and pretend like
nothing's wrong,Copy !req
98. you're gonna drive me crazy.Copy !req
99. Look, you're doing
your mouthy things.Copy !req
100. You're trying
not to say something.Copy !req
101. I'm not—
you know what, I'm—Copy !req
102. I'm just tired.Copy !req
103. No, you're not
acting tired.Copy !req
104. You're acting
sort of tense and...Copy !req
105. Oh, God, why— why does it
have to be like this?Copy !req
106. What is this, a game of
relationship charades?Copy !req
107. What is on your mind?Copy !req
108. Y'know, nothing,
there's nothing...Copy !req
109. Okay, well, I know it's
about me, I know that.Copy !req
110. Why do you
think you know that?Copy !req
111. Because you have zero problem
telling me anythingCopy !req
112. that's wrong with you,Copy !req
113. except when it's
about me... right?Copy !req
114. And then I've gotta
drag it out of you.Copy !req
115. Something is wrong,
right?Copy !req
116. Right.
Mouth.Copy !req
117. Okay, let's see,
um...Copy !req
118. you are depressed.Copy !req
119. You feel like
I'm pushing too hard.Copy !req
120. You are scared of going toCopy !req
121. my mom's house
for Thanksgiving.Copy !req
122. You just wanna break up
with me and...Copy !req
123. Oh, my God.Copy !req
124. Oh, my God, are you
breaking up with me?Copy !req
125. No, that's—
no, that's craz—Copy !req
126. Oh, my God, Louie...Copy !req
127. you're breaking up
with me.Copy !req
128. You can't break up
with me.Copy !req
129. You can't
break up with me.Copy !req
130. I'm not.Copy !req
131. But why— what?Copy !req
132. You can't break up
with me because...Copy !req
133. Well, I'm not
anything to you.Copy !req
134. We're not anything,
we're nothing, y'know?Copy !req
135. We've been nothing
for six months.Copy !req
136. I haven't
even met your kids.Copy !req
137. Yeah, but that's—Copy !req
138. I'm just trying to be really
careful with them, because—Copy !req
139. Please, we're not
talking about that.Copy !req
140. Louie...Copy !req
141. Oh, my God.Copy !req
142. Okay.Copy !req
143. Okay, let's just—
we're gonna...Copy !req
144. Oh, my...Copy !req
145. Oh, my God!Copy !req
146. Okay, all right,
just do it.Copy !req
147. Just— let's just—
let's just say it.Copy !req
148. What?Copy !req
149. Just break up
with me, okay?Copy !req
150. Just—
April—Copy !req
151. Just say it so that
we can be done with it.Copy !req
152. Okay, I like you,
you're a good guy.Copy !req
153. I have no regrets,
but you could only do...Copy !req
154. y'know, this muchCopy !req
155. and now you
can't do it anymoreCopy !req
156. so you should just say
the words and we'll move on.Copy !req
157. Please don't eat
that ice cream right now.Copy !req
158. Okay, here we go,
let's hear it.Copy !req
159. April, I'm not breaking up
with you; I'm just tired.Copy !req
160. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
161. You're gonna make me
do it, aren't you?Copy !req
162. This is amazing.Copy !req
163. You're gonna make me
break up with myself.Copy !req
164. That's not what—
I— I—Copy !req
165. I'm gonna make it really
easy for you, okay?Copy !req
166. This is how
it's gonna work.Copy !req
167. I am gonna say to you,Copy !req
168. "We should not
be together anymore,"Copy !req
169. and then after I say that,
you just sit here.Copy !req
170. You don't say anything...
But I'm not—Copy !req
171. for, like,
17 seconds, okay?Copy !req
172. Just sit in silenceCopy !req
173. and then we'll be
done with it.Copy !req
174. I'm not—
Here we go.Copy !req
175. We shouldn't be together
anymore.Copy !req
176. Okay, good job,
we're done.Copy !req
177. I...Copy !req
178. They made very nice tender
whole chicken for you.Copy !req
179. Thank you.
You're a doll.Copy !req
180. Here, why don't you
eat this saladCopy !req
181. when you're done
with your ice cream.Copy !req
182. Hey!
( man )
Yeah.Copy !req
183. Hey, hey, hey, that's...Copy !req
184. That's my car.
Okay.Copy !req
185. Well, I gotta
get it out of there.Copy !req
186. Well, we're working.Copy !req
187. But I didn't—
it didn't say you—Copy !req
188. You didn't say you guys were
gonna be doing all of that.Copy !req
189. Well, you shouldn't
have parked there.
What...Copy !req
190. What the hell are you guys
doing, anyway?Copy !req
191. I don't know.Copy !req
192. Can you...Copy !req
193. Hi.
Hi.Copy !req
194. You looking to
buy a bike?
Oh, no, no.Copy !req
195. No?
Just, uh...Copy !req
196. Are— are these, uh...Copy !req
197. These are really nice,
huh?Copy !req
198. Oh, yeah,
these are pretty sweet.Copy !req
199. Do you ride a bike
in the city?
Sure.Copy !req
200. It's dangerous or...Copy !req
201. Yeah.Copy !req
202. I've laid a few down.Copy !req
203. I got, y'know,
I got some of that.Copy !req
204. Whoa.
I've got some of that.Copy !req
205. You gotta go down
with these kind of—Copy !req
206. Yeah.
Wow.Copy !req
207. Yeah, I can't be
doing none of that.Copy !req
208. Oh, wow, more?
Yeah, oh, yeah.Copy !req
209. That's nasty.
It gets better, man, here.Copy !req
210. Really?
Busted-up knees.Copy !req
211. Chicken skins— you gotta have
these in the wintertime.
Okay, yeah.Copy !req
212. I got fluid in my knees.
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
213. I'm still walking, though.
Yeah, well—Copy !req
214. I got a permanent limp
but I'm walking.Copy !req
215. Well, I can't be
doing none of that.Copy !req
216. That's crazy.Copy !req
217. I got kids,
so that's not...
All right, man.Copy !req
218. What— But, uh...Copy !req
219. Um, how—
how much is that bike?Copy !req
220. This one's 75.Copy !req
221. 7,500?
Yeah.Copy !req
222. That's it?
That's it.Copy !req
223. Wow.
You get 45 miles
to the gallon.Copy !req
224. Really?
You can park it anywhere.Copy !req
225. So it's actually smart
to buy a motorcycle.Copy !req
226. ( woman )
Why won't somebody help me?Copy !req
227. Why?Copy !req
228. I'm in pain here!Copy !req
229. Won't somebody help me?
Let's take
a look here!Copy !req
230. I need help!Copy !req
231. Y'know, there's nothing dumber
than riding a motorcycle.Copy !req
232. It's just stupid.Copy !req
233. We get motorcycle fatalities
in here all the timeCopy !req
234. and, I gotta tell ya,
I feel sorry for none of them.Copy !req
235. Had a guy in here
a week ago—Copy !req
236. four pieces.Copy !req
237. His legs both cut off,
the torso,Copy !req
238. and his helmet in a bag
with just his head in it.Copy !req
239. Cut off at the neck.Copy !req
240. You know what
his mom said to me?Copy !req
241. "Is he gonna be
all right?"Copy !req
242. ( woman )
Why won't somebody help me?Copy !req
243. Why, God?Copy !req
244. Oh, shit.Copy !req
245. Listen, I need a—
I need to get to a phone.Copy !req
246. Can I get up and get
to a phone?Copy !req
247. No, I can't let you up.Copy !req
248. But I gotta
call my ex-wife,Copy !req
249. I gotta tell her I can't
pick up the kids.Copy !req
250. Nobody knows I'm here.
Here.Copy !req
251. Use mine.
Thank you.Copy !req
252. Doctor, the CAT scan's readyCopy !req
253. if you wanna take a look.
Okay.Copy !req
254. Hello, hello.Copy !req
255. ( woman )
Hello.
Hey.Copy !req
256. Hey, Janet, it's Louie.Copy !req
257. I'm calling from a—
not— not my phone.Copy !req
258. Hey.Copy !req
259. You're picking up
the girls, right?Copy !req
260. No, I can't.
What?Copy !req
261. Louie, no, you can't
do that to me right now.Copy !req
262. You don't— no,
I, seriously, I can't come.Copy !req
263. Louie, I am always happy
to cover for youCopy !req
264. but this is
unfair, okay?Copy !req
265. It's too short notice.Copy !req
266. You come
and you get them.Copy !req
267. I cannot because
I'm in a hospitalCopy !req
268. with my head strapped
to a thing.Copy !req
269. Louie, what happened?Copy !req
270. I got in an accident.Copy !req
271. Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry.Copy !req
272. How bad are you?Copy !req
273. I'm waiting for
the doctor to come back.Copy !req
274. I think I might be okay.Copy !req
275. What happened?Copy !req
276. Well, it was a...Copy !req
277. It was a motorcycle
accident.Copy !req
278. Motorcycle?Copy !req
279. Yeah.Copy !req
280. I bought a motorcycleCopy !req
281. and then I got in
an accident on it.Copy !req
282. Okay, so...Copy !req
283. you— you can't come
pick up the kids?Copy !req
284. Nope.Copy !req
285. Okay.Copy !req
286. Well, good luck
with that.Copy !req
287. He bought a motorcycle.Copy !req
288. He got in
an accident.Copy !req
289. Prick.Copy !req
290. Ass-necked idiot.Copy !req
291. What the hell he's
doing on a motorcycle?Copy !req
292. ( woman )
Why won't somebody help me?Copy !req
293. Well, you're fine.Copy !req
294. Goddamn lucky.Copy !req
295. Really?
Yeah.Copy !req
296. Nothing broken.Copy !req
297. Nothing broken?
Yeah.Copy !req
298. Do I have any
internal— Ow!Copy !req
299. This— it hurts a lot.Copy !req
300. Yeah, well, film is good,
your CAT is good,Copy !req
301. you're gonna
be in a little painCopy !req
302. but you don't
need us.Copy !req
303. ( woman )
Ow!Copy !req
304. Ow, ow, all right!Copy !req
305. What about Obama?Copy !req
306. I'm coming.Copy !req
307. Shit.Copy !req
308. I'm coming, I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming.Copy !req
309. Oh, hi.
Hi.Copy !req
310. I've been trying to
call you since yesterday.Copy !req
311. Yeah, my phone's broken.Copy !req
312. Listen, I'm sorry
to just come overCopy !req
313. but I left
my laptop here.Copy !req
314. Oh, man, okay.Copy !req
315. Can I get it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
come on in.Copy !req
316. Plus clothes
that I have here.
Okay.Copy !req
317. Jeez, are you okay?Copy !req
318. I, uh, had an accident.Copy !req
319. What do you mean?Copy !req
320. Well, I got hit
by a truck.Copy !req
321. Jesus!Copy !req
322. I was in
the hospital.Copy !req
323. Oh, my God, Louie!Copy !req
324. Well, come sit down.Copy !req
325. Is no one
taking care of you?Copy !req
326. Well, I didn't
break anything, so...Copy !req
327. Who cares?
You were in the hospital.Copy !req
328. You got hit by a truck.
Yeah.Copy !req
329. Oh, my God!Copy !req
330. It's my leg,
really hurts.Copy !req
331. You need some help here.
Thank you.Copy !req
332. Here you go.Copy !req
333. Thank you.
Wow.Copy !req
334. You feeling better?
Yeah.Copy !req
335. Thank you very much.Copy !req
336. Thanks a lot.
It's okay.Copy !req
337. Okay, well...Copy !req
338. If you need anything,
you can call me.Copy !req
339. I'm gonna go.
Well...Copy !req
340. Um...Copy !req
341. Stay?Copy !req
342. Stay?Copy !req
343. Yeah, do you
wanna stay?Copy !req
344. Stay.Copy !req
345. How are you
saying "stay"?Copy !req
346. I mean, how do you
mean that?Copy !req
347. Just that maybe you—
maybe you should.Copy !req
348. Do you mean that you need more
help from me right now?Copy !req
349. No, I just...Copy !req
350. What do you mean by,
"Do I wanna stay?"Copy !req
351. I, uh... well, I...Copy !req
352. I'm just saying that
maybe you should stay hereCopy !req
353. and...Copy !req
354. we can go see your mom
on Thanksgiving—Copy !req
355. Look, Louie.Copy !req
356. You're hurt,
so I helped you,Copy !req
357. but as far as I'm concerned,
we're still broken up.Copy !req
358. Well, maybe...Copy !req
359. maybe we should get back
together and try and—Copy !req
360. All right, let's...Copy !req
361. Because here's what
I think is going on—Copy !req
362. It's kind of weird for you
that I'm here,Copy !req
363. helping you
and feeding youCopy !req
364. and then I'm just
gonna leave,Copy !req
365. and you're
feeling bad and guiltyCopy !req
366. because I'm being niceCopy !req
367. so now you're
just saying this.Copy !req
368. Is that...Copy !req
369. I'm just saying...Copy !req
370. let's go to
your mom's.Copy !req
371. Louie, if we go to my mom's
house for ThanksgivingCopy !req
372. with my whole familyCopy !req
373. and sleep together in my
childhood bedroom, that's it.Copy !req
374. We're a couple.Copy !req
375. You get that, right?Copy !req
376. Do you realize that
you might be wastingCopy !req
377. four years
of both of our livesCopy !req
378. because you can't just say,
"Bye, see ya," right now,Copy !req
379. because in this second
that feels weird?Copy !req
380. Oh, my God, Louie,
please, I'm begging you,Copy !req
381. for the sake of future me
and future you.Copy !req
382. You could save
yourself another divorceCopy !req
383. and years of false living.Copy !req
384. You could just be a man
in this one momentCopy !req
385. and say to me, "April,
thank you for helping me."Copy !req
386. Y'know,
"Have a good one.Copy !req
387. See ya sometime."Copy !req
388. Ugh!Copy !req
389. Bye!Copy !req
390. Are we after midnight or before
midnight right now—Copy !req
391. Before—
it's before midnight.
It's before midnight.Copy !req
392. But it's also after
midnight.Copy !req
393. It's always before midnight
and it's always after midnight.Copy !req
394. That's what the 6:00 a.m.
to 5:00 a.m.--Copy !req
395. the thing
I don't understand.Copy !req
396. It's 24 hours, so—
Parking a vehicle
is only authorized.Copy !req
397. Like, you can't park
a dog or a carrot,Copy !req
398. or is it like
parking of vehiclesCopy !req
399. only authorized vehicles?Copy !req
400. And then this
is a green thing,Copy !req
401. but you can't tell—
With a line through it.Copy !req
402. But it's the line
is straight across.Copy !req
403. It's not even—
it's not...Copy !req
404. It doesn't—
it doesn't indicateCopy !req
405. that you can't do
something.Copy !req
406. It's not red.Copy !req
407. It's green.
Even if it was red,Copy !req
408. I wouldn't know
what the ( bleep ) it means.Copy !req