1. One time I was jerking off—Copy !req
2. This is another—
this is another aging thing.Copy !req
3. I was jerking offCopy !req
4. and I looked at my penis
and it was blurryCopy !req
5. because my eyes... are going.Copy !req
6. So I can't—Copy !req
7. Because you're suppose to get
reading glasses when you—Copy !req
8. when this becomes blurryCopy !req
9. and that's exactly...Copy !req
10. That's the precise
fixed length.Copy !req
11. And so it's blurry now,Copy !req
12. so I gotta go
get reading glassesCopy !req
13. and I have to—Copy !req
14. Hmm...Copy !req
15. So I had to go to the drug store
and buy reading glasses...Copy !req
16. and I felt weird, like,Copy !req
17. "She knows I'm jerking off
with these."Copy !req
18. Like, she's just
looking at me like,Copy !req
19. "You ain't reading shit,
you dirty old..."Copy !req
20. Anyway, so I got
reading glassesCopy !req
21. and I looked at it
and it was still blurry.Copy !req
22. So I don't think
it's my eyes.Copy !req
23. I think my dick
is getting blurry.Copy !req
24. I think I've actually...Copy !req
25. But here's the good news—
I am getting olderCopy !req
26. but I also have more
money than I used to haveCopy !req
27. so I'm gonna get a new—
I'm gonna upgrade my dick.Copy !req
28. I'm gonna get a new dick.Copy !req
29. I'm amazed that I haven't
heard about that.Copy !req
30. Like, that rich old guys—Copy !req
31. Why aren't they
getting new dicks?Copy !req
32. 'Cause with the amount of money
poured into people's titsCopy !req
33. and their faces,Copy !req
34. how are old, rich,
asshole guys—Copy !req
35. "I'm getting a new one!"Copy !req
36. On the golf course, "Getting
my new dick on Wednesday."Copy !req
37. And it just— and I don't mean
like a synthetic kind ofCopy !req
38. transvestite kind of
pink pea pod Frankenstein...Copy !req
39. grafted-off-your-leg dick.Copy !req
40. I mean some dead kid's dick
on your body.Copy !req
41. Like a new...Copy !req
42. "Happy ending to a sad story"
on your body.Copy !req
43. 'Cause that's—
I wanna get on that list now.Copy !req
44. The next time someCopy !req
45. 22-year-old
Puerto Rican track star...Copy !req
46. gets hit by a bus,Copy !req
47. I get his
dick right here,Copy !req
48. his beautiful, shiny, brown dick
on my body, next to—Copy !req
49. 'Cause I'm keeping
the old one.Copy !req
50. I'm gonna have...Copy !req
51. I'm gonna have both
for awhile.Copy !req
52. Like when they had— they were
building the new Yankee StadiumCopy !req
53. and the old one was still there,Copy !req
54. that's gonna be
what this is like.Copy !req
55. I can't...Copy !req
56. "Parking of vehicles
only authorized."
I mean...Copy !req
57. Only author—Copy !req
58. Okay, "Parking permitted
anytime after midnight."Copy !req
59. It's before midnight
right now.Copy !req
60. Yeah, but it's
also after.Copy !req
61. I gotta go, I gotta...Copy !req
62. Hi.
Hey, hi.Copy !req
63. Hi.
Hi.Copy !req
64. Uh, nightmare.Copy !req
65. Yeah?
Yeah, total nightmare.Copy !req
66. Just everybody screaming
at each otherCopy !req
67. and nobody listening to me.Copy !req
68. The meeting goes on for two
hours— nothing gets done.Copy !req
69. And then that cooz Lisa
started her shit with me again.Copy !req
70. Shit, really?
Yeah.Copy !req
71. Oh, God!
She was just stupid.Copy !req
72. I'd like her but she's
faking it to make me sweat.Copy !req
73. You should just
quit that job.Copy !req
74. What kind of a thing
is that to say to me?Copy !req
75. Sorry.Copy !req
76. Say that to me,
I should quit my job.Copy !req
77. You should quit
your job.
I like my job.Copy !req
78. Anyway, I'm having lunch
with George tomorrowCopy !req
79. and even though I hate to use
my connection with him for...Copy !req
80. Thank you.Copy !req
81. Did you already eat?
Is this dessert?Copy !req
82. No, no...Copy !req
83. Never mind.Copy !req
84. Let's not have
the food talk.Copy !req
85. So you have the kids
this weekend?Copy !req
86. No, they're with Janet.Copy !req
87. Shows?Copy !req
88. Just a couple
at the Cellar.Copy !req
89. All right, well, let's get
together during the day.Copy !req
90. Sure.Copy !req
91. Okay, what is up?Copy !req
92. Nothing.
You look weird.Copy !req
93. We'll hang out—
we'll hang out during the day.Copy !req
94. That's fine.Copy !req
95. Okay, Louie,
if you're gonna sit thereCopy !req
96. and pretend like
nothing's wrong,Copy !req
97. you're gonna drive me crazy.Copy !req
98. Look, you're doing
your mouthy things.Copy !req
99. You're trying
not to say something.Copy !req
100. I'm not—
you know what, I'm—Copy !req
101. I'm just tired.Copy !req
102. No, you're not
acting tired.Copy !req
103. You're acting
sort of tense and...Copy !req
104. Oh, God, why— why does it
have to be like this?Copy !req
105. What is this, a game of
relationship charades?Copy !req
106. What is on your mind?Copy !req
107. Y'know, nothing,
there's nothing...Copy !req
108. Okay, well, I know it's
about me, I know that.Copy !req
109. Why do you
think you know that?Copy !req
110. Because you have zero problem
telling me anythingCopy !req
111. that's wrong with you,Copy !req
112. except when it's
about me... right?Copy !req
113. And then I've gotta
drag it out of you.Copy !req
114. Something is wrong,
right?Copy !req
115. Right.
Mouth.Copy !req
116. Okay, let's see,
um...Copy !req
117. you are depressed.Copy !req
118. You feel like
I'm pushing too hard.Copy !req
119. You are scared of going toCopy !req
120. my mom's house
for Thanksgiving.Copy !req
121. You just wanna break up
with me and...Copy !req
122. Oh, my God.Copy !req
123. Oh, my God, are you
breaking up with me?Copy !req
124. No, that's—
no, that's craz—Copy !req
125. Oh, my God, Louie...Copy !req
126. you're breaking up
with me.Copy !req
127. You can't break up
with me.Copy !req
128. You can't
break up with me.Copy !req
129. I'm not.Copy !req
130. But why— what?Copy !req
131. You can't break up
with me because...Copy !req
132. Well, I'm not
anything to you.Copy !req
133. We're not anything,
we're nothing, y'know?Copy !req
134. We've been nothing
for six months.Copy !req
135. I haven't
even met your kids.Copy !req
136. Yeah, but that's—Copy !req
137. I'm just trying to be really
careful with them, because—Copy !req
138. Please, we're not
talking about that.Copy !req
139. Louie...Copy !req
140. Oh, my God.Copy !req
141. Okay.Copy !req
142. Okay, let's just—
we're gonna...Copy !req
143. Oh, my...Copy !req
144. Oh, my God!Copy !req
145. Okay, all right,
just do it.Copy !req
146. Just— let's just—
let's just say it.Copy !req
147. What?Copy !req
148. Just break up
with me, okay?Copy !req
149. Just—
April—Copy !req
150. Just say it so that
we can be done with it.Copy !req
151. Okay, I like you,
you're a good guy.Copy !req
152. I have no regrets,
but you could only do...Copy !req
153. y'know, this muchCopy !req
154. and now you
can't do it anymoreCopy !req
155. so you should just say
the words and we'll move on.Copy !req
156. Please don't eat
that ice cream right now.Copy !req
157. Okay, here we go,
let's hear it.Copy !req
158. April, I'm not breaking up
with you; I'm just tired.Copy !req
159. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
160. You're gonna make me
do it, aren't you?Copy !req
161. This is amazing.Copy !req
162. You're gonna make me
break up with myself.Copy !req
163. That's not what—
I— I—Copy !req
164. I'm gonna make it really
easy for you, okay?Copy !req
165. This is how
it's gonna work.Copy !req
166. I am gonna say to you,Copy !req
167. "We should not
be together anymore,"Copy !req
168. and then after I say that,
you just sit here.Copy !req
169. You don't say anything...
But I'm not—Copy !req
170. for, like,
17 seconds, okay?Copy !req
171. Just sit in silenceCopy !req
172. and then we'll be
done with it.Copy !req
173. I'm not—
Here we go.Copy !req
174. We shouldn't be together
anymore.Copy !req
175. Okay, good job,
we're done.Copy !req
176. I...Copy !req
177. They made very nice tender
whole chicken for you.Copy !req
178. Thank you.
You're a doll.Copy !req
179. Here, why don't you
eat this saladCopy !req
180. when you're done
with your ice cream.Copy !req
181. Hey!
Yeah.Copy !req
182. Hey, hey, hey, that's...Copy !req
183. That's my car.
Okay.Copy !req
184. Well, I gotta
get it out of there.Copy !req
185. Well, we're working.Copy !req
186. But I didn't—
it didn't say you—Copy !req
187. You didn't say you guys were
gonna be doing all of that.Copy !req
188. Well, you shouldn't
have parked there.
What...Copy !req
189. What the hell are you guys
doing, anyway?Copy !req
190. I don't know.Copy !req
191. Can you...Copy !req
192. Hi.
Hi.Copy !req
193. You looking to
buy a bike?
Oh, no, no.Copy !req
194. No?
Just, uh...Copy !req
195. Are— are these, uh...Copy !req
196. These are really nice,
huh?Copy !req
197. Oh, yeah,
these are pretty sweet.Copy !req
198. Do you ride a bike
in the city?
Sure.Copy !req
199. It's dangerous or...Copy !req
200. Yeah.Copy !req
201. I've laid a few down.Copy !req
202. I got, y'know,
I got some of that.Copy !req
203. Whoa.
I've got some of that.Copy !req
204. You gotta go down
with these kind of—Copy !req
205. Yeah.
Wow.Copy !req
206. Yeah, I can't be
doing none of that.Copy !req
207. Oh, wow, more?
Yeah, oh, yeah.Copy !req
208. That's nasty.
It gets better, man, here.Copy !req
209. Really?
Busted-up knees.Copy !req
210. Chicken skins— you gotta have
these in the wintertime.
Okay, yeah.Copy !req
211. I got fluid in my knees.
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
212. I'm still walking, though.
Yeah, well—Copy !req
213. I got a permanent limp
but I'm walking.Copy !req
214. Well, I can't be
doing none of that.Copy !req
215. That's crazy.Copy !req
216. I got kids,
so that's not...
All right, man.Copy !req
217. What— But, uh...Copy !req
218. Um, how—
how much is that bike?Copy !req
219. This one's 75.Copy !req
220. 7,500?
Yeah.Copy !req
221. That's it?
That's it.Copy !req
222. Wow.
You get 45 miles
to the gallon.Copy !req
223. Really?
You can park it anywhere.Copy !req
224. So it's actually smart
to buy a motorcycle.Copy !req
225. Why won't somebody help me?Copy !req
226. Why?Copy !req
227. I'm in pain here!Copy !req
228. Won't somebody help me?
Let's take
a look here!Copy !req
229. I need help!Copy !req
230. Y'know, there's nothing dumber
than riding a motorcycle.Copy !req
231. It's just stupid.Copy !req
232. We get motorcycle fatalities
in here all the timeCopy !req
233. and, I gotta tell ya,
I feel sorry for none of them.Copy !req
234. Had a guy in here
a week ago—Copy !req
235. four pieces.Copy !req
236. His legs both cut off,
the torso,Copy !req
237. and his helmet in a bag
with just his head in it.Copy !req
238. Cut off at the neck.Copy !req
239. You know what
his mom said to me?Copy !req
240. "Is he gonna be
all right?"Copy !req
241. Why won't somebody help me?Copy !req
242. Why, God?Copy !req
243. Oh, shit.Copy !req
244. Listen, I need a—
I need to get to a phone.Copy !req
245. Can I get up and get
to a phone?Copy !req
246. No, I can't let you up.Copy !req
247. But I gotta
call my ex-wife,Copy !req
248. I gotta tell her I can't
pick up the kids.Copy !req
249. Nobody knows I'm here.
Here.Copy !req
250. Use mine.
Thank you.Copy !req
251. Doctor, the CAT scan's readyCopy !req
252. if you wanna take a look.
Okay.Copy !req
253. Hello, hello.Copy !req
254. Hello.
Hey.Copy !req
255. Hey, Janet, it's Louie.Copy !req
256. I'm calling from a—
not— not my phone.Copy !req
257. Hey.Copy !req
258. You're picking up
the girls, right?Copy !req
259. No, I can't.
What?Copy !req
260. Louie, no, you can't
do that to me right now.Copy !req
261. You don't— no,
I, seriously, I can't come.Copy !req
262. Louie, I am always happy
to cover for youCopy !req
263. but this is
unfair, okay?Copy !req
264. It's too short notice.Copy !req
265. You come
and you get them.Copy !req
266. I cannot because
I'm in a hospitalCopy !req
267. with my head strapped
to a thing.Copy !req
268. Louie, what happened?Copy !req
269. I got in an accident.Copy !req
270. Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry.Copy !req
271. How bad are you?Copy !req
272. I'm waiting for
the doctor to come back.Copy !req
273. I think I might be okay.Copy !req
274. What happened?Copy !req
275. Well, it was a...Copy !req
276. It was a motorcycle
accident.Copy !req
277. Motorcycle?Copy !req
278. Yeah.Copy !req
279. I bought a motorcycleCopy !req
280. and then I got in
an accident on it.Copy !req
281. Okay, so...Copy !req
282. you— you can't come
pick up the kids?Copy !req
283. Nope.Copy !req
284. Okay.Copy !req
285. Well, good luck
with that.Copy !req
286. He bought a motorcycle.Copy !req
287. He got in
an accident.Copy !req
288. Prick.Copy !req
289. Ass-necked idiot.Copy !req
290. What the hell he's
doing on a motorcycle?Copy !req
291. Why won't somebody help me?Copy !req
292. Well, you're fine.Copy !req
293. Goddamn lucky.Copy !req
294. Really?
Yeah.Copy !req
295. Nothing broken.Copy !req
296. Nothing broken?
Yeah.Copy !req
297. Do I have any
internal— Ow!Copy !req
298. This— it hurts a lot.Copy !req
299. Yeah, well, film is good,
your CAT is good,Copy !req
300. you're gonna
be in a little painCopy !req
301. but you don't
need us.Copy !req
302. Ow!Copy !req
303. Ow, ow, all right!Copy !req
304. What about Obama?Copy !req
305. I'm coming.Copy !req
306. Shit.Copy !req
307. I'm coming, I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming.Copy !req
308. Oh, hi.
Hi.Copy !req
309. I've been trying to
call you since yesterday.Copy !req
310. Yeah, my phone's broken.Copy !req
311. Listen, I'm sorry
to just come overCopy !req
312. but I left
my laptop here.Copy !req
313. Oh, man, okay.Copy !req
314. Can I get it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
come on in.Copy !req
315. Plus clothes
that I have here.
Okay.Copy !req
316. Jeez, are you okay?Copy !req
317. I, uh, had an accident.Copy !req
318. What do you mean?Copy !req
319. Well, I got hit
by a truck.Copy !req
320. Jesus!Copy !req
321. I was in
the hospital.Copy !req
322. Oh, my God, Louie!Copy !req
323. Well, come sit down.Copy !req
324. Is no one
taking care of you?Copy !req
325. Well, I didn't
break anything, so...Copy !req
326. Who cares?
You were in the hospital.Copy !req
327. You got hit by a truck.
Yeah.Copy !req
328. Oh, my God!Copy !req
329. It's my leg,
really hurts.Copy !req
330. You need some help here.
Thank you.Copy !req
331. Here you go.Copy !req
332. Thank you.
Wow.Copy !req
333. You feeling better?
Yeah.Copy !req
334. Thank you very much.Copy !req
335. Thanks a lot.
It's okay.Copy !req
336. Okay, well...Copy !req
337. If you need anything,
you can call me.Copy !req
338. I'm gonna go.
Well...Copy !req
339. Um...Copy !req
340. Stay?Copy !req
341. Stay?Copy !req
342. Yeah, do you
wanna stay?Copy !req
343. Stay.Copy !req
344. How are you
saying "stay"?Copy !req
345. I mean, how do you
mean that?Copy !req
346. Just that maybe you—
maybe you should.Copy !req
347. Do you mean that you need more
help from me right now?Copy !req
348. No, I just...Copy !req
349. What do you mean by,
"Do I wanna stay?"Copy !req
350. I, uh... well, I...Copy !req
351. I'm just saying that
maybe you should stay hereCopy !req
352. and...Copy !req
353. we can go see your mom
on Thanksgiving—Copy !req
354. Look, Louie.Copy !req
355. You're hurt,
so I helped you,Copy !req
356. but as far as I'm concerned,
we're still broken up.Copy !req
357. Well, maybe...Copy !req
358. maybe we should get back
together and try and—Copy !req
359. All right, let's...Copy !req
360. Because here's what
I think is going on—Copy !req
361. It's kind of weird for you
that I'm here,Copy !req
362. helping you
and feeding youCopy !req
363. and then I'm just
gonna leave,Copy !req
364. and you're
feeling bad and guiltyCopy !req
365. because I'm being niceCopy !req
366. so now you're
just saying this.Copy !req
367. Is that...Copy !req
368. I'm just saying...Copy !req
369. let's go to
your mom's.Copy !req
370. Louie, if we go to my mom's
house for ThanksgivingCopy !req
371. with my whole familyCopy !req
372. and sleep together in my
childhood bedroom, that's it.Copy !req
373. We're a couple.Copy !req
374. You get that, right?Copy !req
375. Do you realize that
you might be wastingCopy !req
376. four years
of both of our livesCopy !req
377. because you can't just say,
"Bye, see ya," right now,Copy !req
378. because in this second
that feels weird?Copy !req
379. Oh, my God, Louie,
please, I'm begging you,Copy !req
380. for the sake of future me
and future you.Copy !req
381. You could save
yourself another divorceCopy !req
382. and years of false living.Copy !req
383. You could just be a man
in this one momentCopy !req
384. and say to me, "April,
thank you for helping me."Copy !req
385. Y'know,
"Have a good one.Copy !req
386. See ya sometime."Copy !req
387. Ugh!Copy !req
388. Bye!Copy !req
389. Are we after midnight or before
midnight right now—Copy !req
390. Before—
it's before midnight.
It's before midnight.Copy !req
391. But it's also after
midnight.Copy !req
392. It's always before midnight
and it's always after midnight.Copy !req
393. That's what the 6:00 a.m.
to 5:00 a.m.--Copy !req
394. the thing
I don't understand.Copy !req
395. It's 24 hours, so—
Parking a vehicle
is only authorized.Copy !req
396. Like, you can't park
a dog or a carrot,Copy !req
397. or is it like
parking of vehiclesCopy !req
398. only authorized vehicles?Copy !req
399. And then this
is a green thing,Copy !req
400. but you can't tell—
With a line through it.Copy !req
401. But it's the line
is straight across.Copy !req
402. It's not even—
it's not...Copy !req
403. It doesn't—
it doesn't indicateCopy !req
404. that you can't do
something.Copy !req
405. It's not red.Copy !req
406. It's green.
Even if it was red,Copy !req
407. I wouldn't know
what the it means.Copy !req